Ripples in the Pond
by TheRealEvanSG
Summary: Evan Johnson didn't expect what looked like a fan PM to actually be an ROB by the name of the All-Seeing Author messing with his life. Now Evan must survive unexpected butterflies, many deadly enemies, and Luffy's antics. Can he find love and change the future, or will the second mysterious being pulling the strings behind everything bring it all to a terrible end? Self-Insert
1. ROB's Really Get On My Nerves

**Author's Note:** So many other fanfics that I really should not start a new one right now? Check. I did anyway? Check. Fanfic is a gratuitous self-insert, with real names tweaked as to avoid needless Internet searches? Check. Author isn't the owner of One Piece, and is not using this fanfic for any sort of monetary gain? You know it, baby.

Let's do this!

* * *

Chapter 1: ROB's Really Get On My Nerves

The red-hot sun smashed down through the cold waves of winter wind resiliently in south-eastern Ohio on the afternoon of Friday, December the Thirteenth. This created a unique mixture of the sensations of both warmth and cold against my neck as I stepped out of my car with an annoyed huff. My body shivered unconsciously, and I straightened my back. It felt good to stretch after a long seven hours of sitting in school desks all day, learning senior-level Calculus and Physics. The muscles in my back eased out of their stiff tension and breathed deeply.

Unfortunately, this also had the rather disappointing result in loosening my fingers as well as my back, and causing me to drop my school computer case (every student from grades 9-12 were now assigned these crappy Dell laptops) right onto my winding gravel driveway.

I slumped in defeat. "Man, this day can't get any w - -" I froze mid-sentence, realizing exactly what I'd been about to say. "Nononono, no way am I finishing that! I've read and watched way too much stuff to be tricked into tempting fate like that."

A moment passed as I nervously waited, the biting December wind blowing my precious black leather coat in the breeze. When nothing suspicious happened, I let out a sigh of relief and started the walk up to my house, a nicely sized two-story, white and unassuming, that my dad and grandfather had worked on together. Many of my classmates commonly thought I was rich because of how considerably huge it looked for such an admittedly hick community, but this belied our income, which was really quite average. I supposed that my family just liked to go the extra mile.

That being said, this day had been a particularly bad one as far as the average highschooler's went. Someone had left gum on my chair, which I had then sat in, during Second period; I had misplaced my Calculus homework, which had been regarding derivatives and their uses in real-world situations, and therefore was unable to turn it in for Fourth period; and a lunchroom-wide food fight broke out during Seventh period, for which I was blamed despite the fault laying on my best friend who sat across from me. I'd ended up accepting the punishment simply because I wasn't the kind of guy who'd rat out their friends, but of course, that meant my parents had been called about my "poor lunchtime conduct," as well as the fact that I had acquired an in-school suspension.

All in all, it really was not my day. I supposed I should feel lucky that I hadn't accidentally ran into the infamous Crazy Biker Lady, who rode her bike down my route back to school daily, rain or shine or freezing cold snow, and wearing dark clothes, no less! I mean, who rides a bike in dark clothes in the snow flurries of mid-December!?

An annoyed sigh escaped my lips as I reached the side door to my house, grasped and turned the brass knob, and pushed it open, my computer case bouncing painfully against my leg. I dropped both said computer case and my backpack on the floor next to the door, shut it, and started to kick off my shoes without untying them.

"Welcome home," called my mom from her and Dad's ground-floor bedroom.

I winced. "Thanks. Listen, about that food fight - -"

"I don't want to hear it, Evan Joseph Johnson. You're eighteen now. You shouldn't be pulling shit like starting food fights in the middle of the school day. That's just unacceptable. You're grounded from everything except your laptop; bring all other electronics out of your room and give them to me immediately."

Well, shit. Looks like Fate was going to give me hell whether I tempted her or not.

Heaving an even more annoyed sigh, I ground my teeth as I stomped over to and up the steps to my room. From experience, I knew that anything I could try to say to argue my case would only amount to Mom getting more pissed, cutting me off before I could continue, and grounding me even harder, or simply misconstruing things and grounding me even harder anyway. She was a good person, but not all that great a listener in stressful situations.

Muttering under my breath about stupid parents and stupid best friends, I maneuvered across a slowly growing pile of dirty laundry strewed across my floor and found myself before my desk. On it sat several items: a three-ring binder filled with unused paper, for doing homework; a notebook filled with various ideas, for keeping plotlines and story ideas; and a magazine holder, filled with not magazines, but other notebooks and various items. Taking up center stage were my laptop, 3DS, and iPod, my three most treasured possessions on this great Earth. As according to my Mom's instructions, I snatched up the latter two items and made my way back downstairs, barely holding back a withering glare as I came into my parents' bedroom.

"There you go," I grumbled, setting the electronics on a cabinet.

"Thank you. Your attitude has been worsening recently, and it's no doubt because your nose is stuck in those stupid things all the time. You won't be getting them back until I see some improvement."

Despite this statement, my Mom, a chocolate-brown haired woman in her early fifties, was herself staring at her iPad. I rolled my eyes. She had no idea of the hypocrisy she was spitting out. Lately, all I ever saw her doing was talking with friends on Facebook, even more so than present-day teenagers would. She went about everywhere taking pictures, only to upload them to her page, and chat non-stop about them with her friends. Her brown eyes fixated unblinkingly upon this social black hole, she lifted a hand to shoo me out of her room. I gritted my teeth and stomped out, barely able to contain myself from shouting at her to follow her own advice.

Fifteen minutes later found me with a full belly and a much calmer countenance, sitting in front of my laptop. Eating a bowl of homemade pot roast tends to make you feel much better. I cracked my knuckles, itching to get some writing for my One Piece fanfiction done. Writing always made me feel better when I was down, and lately I'd been feeling worse and worse about myself. Grinning as I opened up Google, keyed in my go-to fanfiction site, and accessed my home page, I scrolled the mouse over to my most recent series.

Just as I had entered a new chapter, typing an author's note, a message popped up on my computer: 1 New Email from All-Seeing-Author .

I blinked. A PM?

Sliding the mouse over to the notification, I clicked on it and brought up the email. It was a PM… and a bit of a strange one at that.

 _Having a rough time?_ it read. Not anything else, just that.

Blinking, my fingers flew across my keyboard. _It's been a kinda meh day_ , I replied after a few other selections. _How did you know? …Are you in my class?_

My finger hit send. Surprisingly, barely a moment passed before the next message arrived: _No, nothing like that. I'm simply an… interested third party._

I typed back with a frown. _That sounds ominous._

 _Ha! You worry too much. Again, the reply was immediate. My frown deepened as I read on. Actually, I was thinking I could be of service to you. I believe I have a good proposition for you… that is, if you'd be willing to hear me out._

Grinning slightly at that, my fingers danced across the keys, as light as feathers. _Well, Mr. All-Seeing Author, I doubt I can actually hear it since this is just a PM, but I'm always happy to take fan requests. What is it?_

 _It's an adventure filled with pirates, Marines, and general Oda insanity. You in?_

I hesitated momentarily. I already had a lot on my plate as far as fanfiction series went, and while I'd be happy to write a one-shot for those who desired it, full-on stories like what it seemed this All-Seeing Author fellow was suggesting might be too much to handle for me on top of what I already had put out. That being said, I could use all the fans I could get…

Feeling slightly nervous, I sent back the fateful message: ... _I'm in_.

My eye sight went static-y for a moment, like old eighties movie footage. I grasped my stomach in sudden pain as a wave of nausea swept over me. A dull headache throbbed into existence, growing stronger and stronger with each passing second. On the screen, a new message popped up, the final one I'd be getting for a long, long time…

 _Ah, I forgot to mention. This time, you're the main character._

In the final moments before my headache overtook me, I thought, 'Whoever this damn All-Seeing Author is… I'm going to find him, and I'm going to…'

Before I could finish the meme, I passed out.

::ELSEWHERE::

Relaxing on the chair in front of the computer screen, the All-Seeing Author interlocked his fingers and sat back in satisfaction. It felt good to give people what they secretly wished for, and the fact that it was without their knowledge felt all the better. Being a troll, it decided, really _was_ the best occupation. And omnipotent beings could afford to troll as many people as they could want.

It went by many names: Calypso, the Bastard Random Omnipotent Being, Jerry. "All-Seeing Author" wasn't really its full name at all, but rather a new pseudonym it was particularly proud of. It had chosen it when looking for a new unknowing fanfiction author to make a game out of, and had indeed created its most recent account on ffn using it.

 _Now, then,_ it thought, smirking. _What should I do next? Hm... it would be fair to warn dear Evan's fans of his sudden departure..._

Another important note about omnipotent beings: being omnipotent, they had the ability to hack into anything they wanted to, seeing as they had all the knowledge in the world. Currently, the All-Seeing Author decided to make use of this fact. It cracked its knuckles, leaned forward, and smirked as it hacked into Evan's fanfiction account, accessed his home page, and started to write a new chapter:

 _Dear fans,_

 _I am deeply sorry, but due to unforeseen circumstances and a certain All-Seeing Author, I must inform you that I find myself unable to continue writing this story for the time being. Know that I am doing fine, and may one day return with many more ideas due to this sudden adventure, but until then, I must overcome the challenges I am faced with..._

::EVAN::

Waking up in the morning was always a task and a half, but that time, it felt like it took far more of an effort than usual. My head felt like somebody had hired little monkeys to jump around inside of it and crash cymbals obnoxiously for eons. I felt very comfortable laying there on my grassy bed, the room nice and comfortably warm…

Chills ran up my spine. Something very uncanny was going on. I never got headaches unless I was sick, my bed was certainly not grassy, and my mom always kept the house at a maximum 67 degrees!

My eyes shot open, and I immediately regretted it.

"Ah, dang it, who turned on the lights…" I moaned, my eyes seared by bright light. I took a moment to blink away the shimmering yellow spots. Once my vision fully repaired itself, I stared.

Because I most certainly did not go to sleep in a marshy valley every night, yet exactly that was what I saw.

A vast expanse of vibrant grass, dotted here and there with shallow pools of water, stretched out at my feet. About two football fields away, a forest of trees I couldn't identify - - hey, I was no biologist! - - sprung out of the ground like fingers reaching towards the sky, no doubt thriving on the wetlands. The tree line was still and quiet, although the sounds of forest animals filtered into my ears from farther away. I must have been in a salt marsh, because the air smelled of sea water.

"Okay, okay, so what salt marshes exist in the United States?" I thought aloud, folding my arms in deep consideration. "Let's see… there's Florida… But I've been there a lot, and this place doesn't really feel warm enough for that… ummm…"

Crap. Was there any other salt marshes than Florida?

Uhhhh… Mississippi, maybe? Heck, I don't know geology.

Well, whoever had kidnapped me, because that was certainly what must've happened, didn't seem to be around now, so the best thing that I could do would be to find civilization and figure out what the hell was going on. That being said, what exactly had lead to these circumstances? I was feeling kind of tired, and couldn't quite remember anything past driving home from school in the middle of a freezing day. I hummed as I wracked my brain. Just what had brought me into these circumstances?

My feet began moving themselves as I thought, an unconscious movement powered by my decision to discover where I was. I had no real way of knowing where to go since no paths or roads were in sight, but I wasn't really thinking about where I was going. When I actually realized that I was moving, I realized that I'd been heading near the forest.

An apple tree reached out of the ground before me, as different from the other trees as mountain and valley. It stood out with a strange air of importance. The air around it seemed to be different, more mysterious somehow, a kind of mist clinging to the tree branches. I paused before it, tilting my head as I regarded it curiously. What was an apple tree doing way out here in the middle of nowhere, when no other tree in sight was a fruit-bearing tree but just a normal one? The strangeness of the apple tree momentarily brought me out of Memory Lane.

As I watched, a single apple dislodged itself from its branch and tumbled through the air, bouncing off the ground and rolling at my feet. I looked down and blinked at it.

The apple was unlike any I had ever seen in my life - - and apples were one of my favorite fruits. It was somewhat diamond-shaped, which felt extremely unnatural for an apple. And instead of a red, yellow, or green color, the apple, whose skin was covered in swirly bulbs like raspberries, carried a strange hue of midnight purple. My jaw dropped. After one too many years spent staring at a computer screen, I could very easily recognize the unique fruit I saw on the ground in front of me: it could be none other than the infamous Devil Fruits... but those existed in an entirely fictional world.

With a gulp of shock, I stumbled backward. "A... a Devil Fruit? But how - - I thought those only grew in the world of One Piece..."

My voice trailed off as memories flashed through my mind. The All-Seeing Author. The offer for a new One Piece story. The twist that in it, I was the main character. And now, the weird, bulbous Devil Fruit, blue and irkingly innocent, laying so close to me I could see every swirl.

 _So then I'm really in the world of One Piece?_

 _I crossed dimensions!?_

 _What should I do, ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfu..._

The freight train in my brain came to a screeching halt as I came to a realization. This world was filled with people far more dangerous than anything I could possibly imagine. Considering a weakling like me, for whom the base line for durability was _not_ able-to-survive-a-two-story-fall-without-a-scratch, even the weakest scrub could lay me flat on the ground with a lump the size of Dallas on my head. I was essentially screwed over if I so much as gave a bad look to the wrong person - - and no way could I put up with the nearly demonic corruption in the ruling government. I simply did _not_ have the patience for those "Give me what I want and you won't get hurt" types.

Therefore, if I didn't want to end up as a grease stain on the side of the road, then there was really only one option for me to take. Besides, even Oda himself stated there were no real bad powers as long as you used them wisely, right?

With this in mind, I took a deep breath, bent over, reached down, and performed quite possibly the stupidest action of my life:

I took a bite of a Devil Fruit.

* * *

One thing you should know about the Devil Fruits: if you have a bad gag reflex, you absolutely should not, under any circumstances, even _consider_ so much as putting one in your mouth. They are positively the worst-tasting thing in the entire multiverse. Words cannot describe how horrible Devil Fruits actually taste, but I'll attempt to give you at least a vague idea of the abomination my taste buds encountered that day. Imagine it thusly: mix cauliflower with horseradish, add spoiled milk, drop in a few lobes of horse poop, square the taste, and you still can't even come _close_ to the Hell that is Devil Fruits.

The moment the altogether _nasty_ piece of "food" entered my mouth, I spat it out in disgust. My tongue screamed in defiance at me, utterly horrified at the torture I had unknowingly inflicted upon it. I mean, I'd understood how bad they were - - if even _Luffy_ could be disgusted by food, you _knew_ it tasted bad - - but I hadn't been able to comprehend the sheer horror of the fruit.

"Oh, Lord, whatever caused _those_ things to exist needs to die a terrible death," I moaned, tears building up in my eyes. Yes - - it tasted so bad I was actually crying.

Now, I wish I could say that I had actually _swallowed_ the bite of Fruit I'd taken.

Not so. Actually, it had been so entirely disgusting I'd immediately expelled it from my mouth, and hadn't actually swallowed even a small portion of the fruit. Therefore, I still was at base form; weak, powerless, and hopelessly dismal. My tongue begging to be rid of the nastiness, I rushed over to one of the many marshes around me, knelt onto the soggy ground, and dipped my hands in it. Water pooled in my cupped palms as I scooped it out of the marsh, bringing the cool liquid to my lips and swallowing greedily. I didn't stop until I felt as though I'd drank a small pool.

I collapsed backward, chest heaving. "Never again..." I groaned, rubbing my head. "Never again..."

Like a magnet, the Devil Fruit drew me to gaze it unwillingly. It sat there on the ground as pure and unassuming as a puppy, holding my gaze and keeping me locked on it. Now that I'd taken a bite out of it, it looked kind of like the _Apple_ logo, if _Apple_ liked diamond-shaped fruit from hell.

"No!" I denied, pointing at it accusingly. "Just look what you did to me!"

The apple sat there pleadingly.

"No."

 _You're going to die a pitiful death,_ it seemed to say.

A tremble ran through my body. "A-Alright, fine!" I grumbled, stomping over to the fruit. "Playing dirty like that... calling a man a weakling is really deplorable, even if it's one hundred percent true!" This declaration hanging in the air, I hesitated before repeating history.

...

"Ah, fuck it," I said, and I again scraped the fruit off the ground and bit into it.

It was every bit as disgusting as it was the first time. Having been prepared for it didn't make it any easier, but at least I managed to swallow a bulb of Devil Fruit before I spat out the rest in pure hatred. Apples _had_ been one of my favorite fruits before, but after that particular experience, I didn't think I'd ever manage to look at one the same way again.

"SO DAMN BAD!" I screamed, dropping the fruit once more and again rushing back to the marsh to drink like no tomorrow. Once I'd successfully washed the taste of the fruit from my mouth, I gasped in deep breaths of air. My stomach rolled nauseously, the urge to throw up overpowering nearly everything else. The fact that it was waterlogged with at least a couple gallons of H2O probably didn't help me feel better, but at least my tongue wasn't looking to commit seppuku anymore.

I wiped sweat off my brow, panting. "So... then... what the hell kinda power did I get anyway, huh?" I asked, turning around and glancing down at the fruit I'd dropped... but it was already decaying, turning a sickly shade of brown.

I took a horrified couple of steps back. "E-Ew... just, ew! ...Wait, something feels off."

Frowning, I stood still for a few moments, trying to pinpoint exactly what it was. Then my eyes happened to slide downward, and nearly popped out of my skull. Because, without realizing it... although I thought I'd been standing on solid (although considerably wet and muddy) ground, when I turned and backed up... I somehow... I somehow...

My skin crawled at the insanity of the situation.

 _I had come to stand right on the watery surface of the very marsh itself_.


	2. I'll Be a Pirate When Boats Fly, Oh Wait

**Author's Note:** Thank you deeply for all of the kind support and excitement expressed for this story! I was really touched by everyone's love for the opening chapter of _Ripples in the Pond_. Also, some of you have noticed this, but for those who haven't, the All-Seeing Author - - the catalyst for everything that happens in this fanfiction - - is loosely based off of B.R.O.B from the Cross-Brains' _This Bites!_ Both are omniscient, godlike figures who come into contact with the main character online and send them into One Piece. In fact, if you recall, I even gave "Bastard Random Omnipotent Being" as one of All-Seeing Author's past pen names. So of course, all credit for him goes to Xomniac. Other than him, the plots and characters in this story are fully owned by Eiichiro Oda.

* * *

Chapter 2: I'll Be a Pirate When Boats Fly... Oh Wait

Thoughts swirled and blew around in my brain like Hurricane Katrina, overloading my mind. I felt dizzy, unbalanced, thrown off my feet. I stumbled backward in shock, a mixture of emotions so complex rising in my gut that it was impossible to tell one apart from the other. I was standing on top of the marsh. I was _walking on water_! Could anything be more amazing than that?

"I'm Jesus," I breathed, floating on the water's surface like a water spider. "I'm freaking Jesus. Or Percy Jackson or something. Or - - or - -"

I blinked in realization.

No way. I had essentially just become my own character, the one from my most popular fanfiction series. With these abilities, and especially considering the circumstances I found myself in, I had gained the powers of my own Damon D. Digger.

That was… kind of mind-boggling.

Feeling light-headed, I teetered backward and fell right into the water. Luckily it was barely knee-deep; otherwise, being a newly christened Devil Fruit user, I might've been dead right then and there. I doubted having water powers would enable me to _not_ become a Hammer. As it was, I felt an enormous amount of energy fly out of my body, leaving me groggy and bleary-eyed. The cool water of the marsh sloshed around my skin, and I splashed wildly, fighting my sudden tiredness to try and get out of the marsh.

It was quite pathetic, really - - I'd always been rather good at swimming, and had even made seventh place in the county swim team meet as a kid. Now here I was nearly drowning in a knee-deep marsh… facing upwards.

Finally, I managed to fight my way onto dry land, gasping and gagging, clutching at the solid earth like it was my lifeline. My senses felt like someone had taken a video editor and slowed down everything by three-fourths. An indescribable panic had risen in my gut, and I suddenly understood why Hammers avoided water at any and all costs.

"That," I panted once the world returned to normal, "was _not_ fun."

I took a deep, terrified breath and got to my knees.

It was only then when I realized I was completely dry. Not even my clothes were soaked, and I must've been thrashing about in that marsh for at least five minutes. But my starting gear - - my leather jacket, a gray Nike T-shirt, a dark pair of blue jeans, and my gray Vans - - were as dry as they'd been before I fell in.

An amazed grin snuck its way up my lips. "Whoa, that's awesome!" I exclaimed, patting my perfectly dry shirt in disbelief. Then I realized something. If my clothes had also passively gained the ability to stay dry in water, even when I wasn't wearing them… that would make washing my clothes a rather tough task to perform.

Well, I could cross that bridge when I came to it. Now that I had a way to survive in this world, I was back at square one - - figure out just where the hell I was.

I stood up fully and put my hands on my hips, tapping my foot. "Now then, where should I start?" I wondered, thinking deeply. "Hm…" I grinned as a memory struck me. "Well, if there's one thing I learned from Saturday morning cartoons, it's that moss always points towards civilization!"

So then, where was the nearest mossy rock?

I spent a few minutes scanning the marsh to try and find a mossy stone on its shore. After all, that environment would be ideal for the growth of moss. It took a while, but I finally found one. The moss on it was growing on its east side.

I perked up and got back on my feet again. "Alright, then, that way it is!" I declared, and started off on my way, in the direction of the rising sun.

However, I hadn't been running East more than twenty minutes when I suddenly paused, tilting my head.

"Um... what's this boat-like shadow on the ground, passing over me all of a sudden...? And why have all the birds in the forest stopped singing?"

My head happened to turn slowly to the right... and I saw a sight which would become forever engraved in my brain: the traumatic view of a small ship hurtling through the air in a direct collision course with me. My jaw dropped to the floor. "WHAT THE HELL!?" I screamed in denial, unable to properly process this sight. "Since when did ships have the power of flight!?"

Oh, well, it didn't matter anyway. Or at least, it wouldn't in about five seconds, which was my estimate for when it would crash into me.

"FATE, I HATE YOU!" I screamed, anime tears running down my eyes as I scrambled to escape the rapidly approaching boat.

 _SMASH!_

* * *

The wreckage of the small boat lay in tatters around the smushed forest like the average building in a Michael Bay film. Its blonde-haired ex-owner, Vinsmoke Sanji, wearily rose to his feet, rubbing his aching head in utter pain. As he did so, he absorbed his surroundings; growing up the way he had, he knew the dangers of being unaware of where you were.

The half of the island they were currently on was rather marshy and unwelcoming, but much of the rest of it appeared to be well-fertilized - - perfect for farmland - - or covered in deciduous trees of all kinds. It was a strange mix of ecosystems, yet ran well into each other, creating a chaotic sort of harmony. It was beautiful in its own right... just like the woman he knew who lived on it.

His eyes nearly burst into hearts at the mere thought of the redheaded beauty in question. "Ah... Nami, for you, my dear, I'd let that moron Luffy smash my boat into a million pieces a hundred times over!"

Luffy, his raven-haired, straw-hatted captain, sat up somewhere around the end of this declaration. Twigs and splinters rained off of him, sprinkling endlessly into the earth. He threw his head back and laughed his moronic little head off. "Shishishi! Man, you're really funny, Sanji! I'm glad you're a member of my crew!"

The cook sent a nasty look his way, snapping out of Love Chef mode immediately. "Oi, you stupid Straw Hat, I paid good money for that boat!"

His captain merely grinned and shrugged. "We've got a better ship anyway," Luffy pointed out, moving to a cross-legged position. Movement behind him caught his eye, and he grinned even wider. "Oh, hey, Zoro!"

"Luf...fy.." the voice of the swordsman grunted painfully. Sanji, surprised, blinked and turned around to see his green-headed rival sporting very, very large head and stomach bruises. His face looked like it had been crushed by a mountain, but knowing Zoro, he'd get better. "You better give me one good reason why your ship crashed into me face-first, or I'm going to throw you down to the bottom of the ocean."

The rubber-brained captain shrugged. "You were in the way?"

"...That was at once obviously simple and astoundingly accurate," observed Sanji with a sweatdrop.

Zoro's eye twitched. "Leave it to Luffy to be surprisingly profound..."

The green-haired man looked rather worse for the wear, in Sanji's unprofessional opinion. Covered in bruises and cuts and nasty-looking gashes, Sanji was frankly surprised Zoro wasn't completely unconscious. It actually kind of irked him that he was still moving. Couldn't the directionally challenged bastard just learn when to stay knocked out? It would really make his recovery process a heck of a lot easier...

"Anyway, what're you doing?" Luffy asked, tilting his head. "Haven't you found Nami yet?"

Nami...

Zoro's mood dropped from annoyance to something darker.

He opened his mouth to speak, but had barely formed the first syllable before an unfamiliar, high-pitched male's voice whined, "Geez! What the hell kinda people send a ship flying through the air to try and kill a guy!?"

Sanji blinked. "Um... do either of you know who that is?"

"Nope," said Luffy, and Zoro shook his head, equally oblivious.

Out of the wreckage of the ship, Yosaku - - one of Zoro's apparent old friends from the bounty hunting business - - popped up into sight. "I also do not know!"

The four men glanced around for the source of the unknown speaker. For a moment, they were unable to find him, but then Luffy's eyes landed on a new person who had walked around the edge of the wreckage to them. It was a young man, his face an angry red, with chocolate-brown eyes and dark, windswept hair. He wore a leather jacket and some strange clothes, the likes of which Sanji had never seen before; and he'd met a lot of unusually dressed customers while working on the Baratie.

But his clothes weren't the strangest thing about him. No, the strangest thing was the moment the newcomer's eyes connected with Luffy's... they popped out of his head and his entire body slackened.

Curious as to what their captain was looking at, Zoro and Sanji turned around, blinking.

For a few moments, nothing happened.

Luffy, unblinkingly, strode with stupid confidence toward the unknown person and poked him in the face. This evidently brought the victim out of his abrupt stupor, because he reeled backward, sputtering indignantly.

"H-Hey... what was that for..."

An explosion of giggles erupted from Luffy's mouth, and Sanji, Zoro, and Yosaku all sighed wearily. "Man!" the pirate said, wiping tears from his eyes. "You're really funny, mister! Who the hell are you?"

"That's a rude greeting," the man mumbled, "but I suppose it's your normal one, huh..." He straightened up, his lips turning up into a weak smile. "The name's Evan Johnson - - er, Johnson Evan - - but you can just call me Evan."

* * *

I suppose I should've expected to meet the Straw Hats around all the crazy crap, but honestly, I had been so ticked off at almost getting killed that I hadn't been thinking straight. I had managed to roll out of the ship's way at the last moment, right before it crashed into the ground where I'd been moments before. Then the ship had _bounced,_ a feat I hadn't imagined a wooden vehicle was capable of, and skidded around ten or twenty feet before at last tearing to a halt.

Enraged at those aboard (and rather worried for the lives of said people) I ungracefully stomped over to the wreckage...

...And met the soon-to-be-infamous crew called the Straw Hat Pirates.

Judging by the fact that only Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji were present, as well as a young man who looked like he'd been pulled straight out of the eighties, and who could only be one of Zoro's two bounty hunter friends, I could only assume that I'd been dropped on the Conomi Islands. That meant that Nami's hometown was nearby... and also that Arlong and his band of Fishman Pirates were mooching off of the islanders in their nice little rich-ass base.

"Evan, huh?" Luffy said, testing out the name and grinning. He looked every bit the lovable idiot that Oda portrayed him as. His face was somewhat babyish, although his eyes whispered of a much darker past. I hadn't quite expected them to appear that sunken, or haunted. It would seem that Sabo's "death" had affected him more than the original manga let on.

I grinned and gave a thumbs-up. "Yep, you've got it."

"That's an unusual name," commented a blonde-haired, limber teen who had to be Sanji. Who else had hair like a lemon and wore a waiter's suit? "You're not from around here, are you?"

...Shit.

I hadn't thought about where I would claim to be from.

"Erm... I'm from a small, unimportant island nation in the... Grand Line," I decided, my smile twitching a little. That would be reasonable, wouldn't it? After all, only the very richest people or the very strongest pirates could cross the four Blues at will... unless they hailed from the Grand Line, which touched all four seas. "It's called Ohio, and everything's so quiet there you probably have never heard anything about it."

"From the Grand Line!?" exclaimed Luffy, his eyes lighting up. "Whoaaaa! You must be really strong then, Evan!"

I rubbed my head awkwardly at the raven-haired boy's enthusiasm. "N-No, actually... in fact, I only really just got the ability _to_ become strong today..."

Zoro, his hair as mossy-colored as Sanji made fun of him for, stepped forward with a frown. "What do you mean by that?"

Well... It couldn't hurt to tell them, right?

"Um, you see, not even an hour ago, one of those Devil Fruits fell off a tree and rolled at my feet, so I ate it. I think I can control water now or something, because I accidentally walked on the marshes without even realizing I had done so, and when I fell in after that, I came out perfectly dry."

You know how in the anime, anytime Luffy discovered something he thought to be cool, his eyes became super-bright sparks?

Yeah... somehow, that was _not_ comical exaggeration.

I had to shield my eyes and glance away from Luffy so I wouldn't be blinded by his amazement. "YOU CAN WALK ON WATER!?" he exclaimed, rushing to me and shaking me in demand. "YOU REALLY CAN!?"

"G-Gah... Yes! Now let me g-go!"

"SO COOL!" the captain gasped so loudly I nearly lost my hearing in my right ear.

Sanji sighed. "Is he always this way, Zoro?"

"As far as I can tell..." the swordsman muttered wearily. He groaned and shifted the one sword on his hip, the one that Mihawk hadn't broken in their duel, awkwardly. "I don't know how he does it. It defies natural logic."

Rolling his eyes, the blonde tapped his wrist anxiously as though pretending a watch was strapped on. "Anyway, if you only came for small talk," he said impatiently, "we need to get going. We have a beautiful lady to find and take back into our - -"

"WILL YOU JOIN MY PIRATE CREW!?"

The joyous exclamation from Luffy cut Sanji off abruptly, the pure shock of the question momentarily making us all lose proper speech.

Several minutes of my brain overloading later, I managed to return to reality long enough to choke out, "W-wait... you want _me_... weak ol' me, whom you just met not even five minutes ago and whom you know practically nothing about... to join your pirate crew."

A great, big nod and the kind of grin only a rubber-man could give served as my answer. "Yep!" Luffy confirmed innocently, his smile never once wavering.

"W-wait, WHAT!?" Sanji choked, his cigar actually falling from his mouth in surprise. "Luffy, hold on, we know _nothing_ about Evan - - he even said so himself. For all we know, he could be a member of the Marines... o-or a spy for Arlong or something - -"

"Nah, he's a good guy. I have a good feeling about Evan."

I couldn't help but stare at Luffy for that comment. As far as I could remember, _no one_ had ever said that about me before, except my family, of course, and they were pretty much obligated to say so. In spite of myself, I found myself feeling remarkably grateful to the future King of the Pirates. Somehow, in the short few minutes we'd met each other, he had already come to trust me fully. Maybe it was just a naive, childish way of looking at the world; maybe it was the fatal flaw of a hero; or maybe Luffy had some sort of sixth sense for perceiving a person's trustworthiness. In any case, I could tell from the sparkle in his eyes (no, not the _actual_ sparkle. That was different) that he had already put his faith in me.

These thoughts swirling in my head, I clenched my fists. With a man like Luffy, a character I had looked up to in my old world as a symbol of how to live, doing something like that for me... was there any other answer...?

No. There could be no other answer.

Sanji and Zoro, as well as Yosaku who for some reason remained standing in the wreckage, watched nervously as I tightened my jaw, set my face, and said those famous words:

"Yeah, I'll join your crew."

Luffy grinned. His two other crew mates gaped in mixed horror, disbelief, and resignation. Yosaku appeared distantly similar to how my sister had looked when she had accidentally squirted the milk she was drinking out of her nose once. And amidst it all, the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates and I clasped hands in a firm shake, solidifying the new and unbreakable contract between us.

And that was how I was inducted into the Straw Hat Pirates.

* * *

I quickly came to learn that not everyone was completely happy with the recent event of me joining the crew.

Zoro, for one, didn't trust me one bit. Per Luffy's orders, within the space of a mere four minutes, he had fully explained the situation to me. Everything up to me entering the scene had played out exactly as the original events had, it would seem. However, throughout the conversation, he kept glaring at me out of the corner of his eye, glancing at me up and down, like he was trying to size up my fighting strength.

"You look like a breeze could push you over," he said at last, while we were walking towards Arlong Park. Apparently, it was located to the West of where I'd ended up - - so much for Saturday morning cartoon logic. Then again, could you really call anything ran by Arlong 'civilization?' ...That actually was a fairly good question. Huh.

If I had to point a finger at the current timeline in the series, I would say I had landed sometime in the middle of the Arlong Arc, since the second half of the Straw Hats had just arrived and crashed into Zoro. That would mean that the latter was currently running off to try and save Usopp from Arlong; I knew, of course, that Usopp wasn't truly in any danger, but I decided to keep this fact to myself. It wouldn't do to have the crew even more suspicious of me than they already were. Perhaps once things died down, I would tell them that I know pretty much their whole lives...

...After I thought about it, that sounded really unbelievable. Plus it would be really cliche to say I was a psychic. ...Crap.

Back in real time, I huffed at Zoro's unnecessary observation. "Hey, I won't deny that I have very little fighting experience, but I'm not _that_ weak," I grumbled.

Sanji raised his eyebrow. "Really? Because by the lack of muscles in either your arms or legs, it looks to me like you haven't done much more than sit around your entire life."

I fought for a comeback... and realized I had absolutely none.

"O-Okay, you're kind of right about that," I mumbled, my face twitching. "Still, though, when I was younger, I used to take karate lessons, and even won second place in a tournament. I was best with nunchakus... wasn't that bad with the sword, though."

"You still look really weak," Zoro insisted, folding his arms coldly.

"Well... honestly, that was, like, at least eight years ago, and I really haven't done any work outs since then besides gym class and a couple years of running cross-country..."

"Man. What kind of rich-ass lifestyle have you lead...?"

"My family is not rich!" I threw my hands up in protest. "Why does everyone always think that!?"

"Maybe it's because you sit around all day, and look like you haven't worked a day in your life."

"It's not my fault my job hasn't been giving me many hours lately, and isn't manual labor!"

Zoro sighed. "Well, in any case, I'll fill you in on what's been going on since Luffy's too much of an idiot to do so, and this moron" - - here he jabbed his thumb at Sanji, who broke out into an enraged rant - - "will just morph into Love Cook mode anytime Nami comes up. One of our crew members - - our navigator, Nami - - stole our ship, as well as all our money, and headed off to this island. We've come to find out why she did it, get our stuff back, and take any necessary measures. Unfortunately, another member of our crew, a guy called Usopp who we picked up a couple stops back, got captured by the rulers of this island."

"Arlong," I muttered, my gaze darkening.

The green-haired swordsman lifted his eye brow. "Yeah, that's right. You familiar with him?"

 _Oh, shit, I hadn't meant to say that aloud_. _Time to bullshit my way through this_. "Uhm... not personally, but you can't exactly step foot on these parts _without_ hearing the dude's name."

Thankfully, Zoro's suspicion dropped. "Fair point. Well, regardless, we're going to Arlong Park to save him before he's killed."

"He's already been killed!" an unfamiliar voice exclaimed behind us.

Everyone froze. I nearly yelped in shock; I hadn't heard anyone come up on us. We whirled around, but it was only the other bounty hunter friend of Zoro's; Johnny, I think his name was? The poor guy looked pale and devastated, his entire body trembling. Sweat dripped off of him, no doubt because of the warm sun overhead combined with his hot-looking blue sweater.

"We're too late," Johnny gasped, clenching his hands into fists and dropping to his knees. "Big Bro Usopp is dead!" He punched the ground in despair. "He was killed... by Big Sis Nami!"

Zoro's eyes widened, his hand resting on his sword. A disturbing pallor that didn't fit a man like him swept over his face, and his jaw slackened. Sanji's face twisted into anger, and Luffy simply frowned. Yosaku choked up, his hands shooting up to his mouth in disbelief. And throughout it all, Johnny's body shook as tears poured down his face from behind his glasses, soaking his cheeks. He looked like he'd seen a demon... or, say, a witch.

I closed my eyes and sighed to myself. _This... is going to be really painful for me to watch in real life..._


	3. I Have a Dream

**Author's Note:** Short side note before we get into this chapter - - if any of you are worried about me making myself OP in this story, rest assured, Fanfic!Evan will NOT be OP. He will learn and grow from his fights as much as the rest of the Straw Hats, if not more, since technically speaking he's even weaker currently than Usopp. The only thing he really has going for him includes powers which he doesn't know yet how to utilize. I'm definitely going to have to make him do some battle training; most likely with either Zoro or Sanji. He WILL eventually be New World-ready, but not any sooner than the rest of the Straw Hats. So, you can look forward to some very well-balanced fights for Fanfic!Evan in the near future!

* * *

Chapter 3: I Have a Dream

Exclamations of various reactions resounded amongst the unenlightened members of the crew upon Johnny's disclosure of the events which he had bore witness to at Arlong Park. Zoro looked torn between trusting Nami and trusting Johnny, Sanji was in complete denial, Yosaku (I know he's not a Straw Hat, but hey, he was still there!) bawled his sappy little head off, and Luffy was just downright _pissed_. His rubbery face twisted into a glare that could send a raging elephant whimpering for its mother. Raw _authority_ emanated from his deadly gaze. In that moment, I knew without a doubt that I _never_ wanted to be subject to that boy's rage.

As an unsettling wind rustled up across the marsh, I swallowed nervously.

" _Explain_ ," Luffy commanded, so still you could use him as a skateboard.

"That greedy woman was a true witch all along," Johnny insisted. He folded himself into a cross-legged situation, still trembling. "I overheard the truth - - she's been gaining Arlong's favor so she can win treasure buried in Cocoyashi Village! She even had a map in her house which some weird, long-mouthed member of the fishman crew found and brought to Arlong himself!"

"Long-mouthed?" repeated Zoro dryly.

"Y-Yeah. It... was pretty weird."

The green-haired swordsman groaned. "And here I thought long noses were the end of it..."

I scratched the back of my head awkwardly. "Long mouths don't even compare to the strangeness of the average Grand Line baddie..."

I hadn't thought it possible, but Zoro's face _paled_. "Sanity, I loved you so, but it seems we must part," he muttered under his breath.

"Oi," Luffy spoke up with a frown to us, and Zoro and I immediately shut up. His gaze turned back to Johnny. His face twisted into a scowl. "Don't you dare talk about Nami like that! She likes money, but she only steals from pirates, understand me!? And she's definitely not a witch!"

Johnny's cheeks were caked in tears. "B-But I saw her stab - -"

"RAAAAAAGH!"

In pure primal rage, Luffy rushed at the devastated bounty hunter and violently grabbed his collar. He pulled Johnny to his feet, winding back for a punch, but Zoro jumped in with a gentle hand on Luffy's shoulder. "Oi, stop it," he intoned softly. "It's not Johnny you should be fighting."

The man in question was unable to look the raven-haired boy in the eyes. "D-Don't believe me if you want, but I swear that's what I saw! Big Bro Usopp was stabbed in the chest by - -"

Luffy's eyes looked like they could stop a Sea King in its tracks. "CUT THE BULLCRAP! NAMI WOULD NEVER KILL USOPP! THEY'RE NAKAMA, AND NO ONE I PICKED WOULD EVER DARE KILL THEIR OWN NAKAMA!"

"Who's my nakama, Luffy?" a smooth, dead voice asked from behind us, and everyone froze again.

I sputtered indignantly. "What is with it with people appearing out of nowhere today!?" I demanded, turning around... to see none other than the woman of the hour herself standing coolly in the middle of the road.

Nami was every bit the beauty that Oda drew her as. Her orange hair accentuated her calm face and her deep eyes, drawing you in. Her face was slightly blemished from years of fighting and running from pirates; old bruises that hadn't quite healed yet were only vaguely noticeable on her cheeks. Her tank top was casual and yet flirty, showing just enough chest to be a distraction for those interested (which, I imagined, she used to her advantage when fooling her average "business partners"). Her muscles were surprisingly defined for someone who was one of the two weakest members of the Straw Hat Pirates. I supposed this also could be chalked up to surviving in a life of thievery on the high seas.

"N-Nami!" Luffy said. The sudden appearance of his navigator had surprised him out of his anger. He dropped Johnny, who let out an audible breath of relief, before turning fully around to regard her.

"Why are you here on this island?" she asked icily. "And who's this normal-looking guy with you?"

"Hey! I know I'm nothing special but you don't have to put it so bluntly!" I barked indignantly.

"This is Evan," said Luffy, clapping me so hard on the back I stumbled forward a few steps. "He just joined the crew. He says he has some kinda water Devil Fruit. And what are you talking about!? You're our friend! Of course we'd come to help you!"

"Help? HELP!?" Nami's temper was slowly rising and her rather cute face was slowly getting angry. "You're no help - - you're just a liability!"

"...Nami?"

"Friends? Don't play games; you're not a pirate crew! You're just a randomly thrown-together group of people barely cooperating enough to keep each other alive! I'm not friends with people like that."

Luffy's gaze was blank. "...Eh?"

"You..." Johnny, whom I thought had been scared shitless for the time being, suddenly got up and shouted. "Damn you! I saw how you killed him - - how you stabbed Big Brother - -"

"Oi, watch it!" I barked, grabbing him roughly and frowning at him. "My captain told you not to say that, didn't he?"

"What do you know!? You didn't see it! I watched her stab Usopp!"

Luffy's glare returned at full power. "YOU LITTLE..."

"Nami!" I said quickly, then realized if I automatically knew her name without trouble, it might sound suspicious to my fellow crew mates. I hastily added, "Er, that is correct, right? Tell this moron you didn't really kill Usopp!"

"Kill Usopp?" Nami scoffed uneasily. "Why, what are you gonna do about it? You just joined - - don't bother yourself in matters like this. But if you were to bother yourself, you may as well try killing me in revenge." I gritted my teeth and was about to open my mouth in reply, but Nami continued speaking. "Listen up, I'll give you all one warning: right now, Arlong is dead set on wiping out anyone involved with Roronoa Zoro. Zoro just had to go and be a moron, so now my boss is on a rampage. And when he's on a rampage, there's _no_ stopping Arlong, because no matter how big of monsters you are, you're no match for the real deal. Leave this island now unless you want to die like your friend. Not that I care either way, of course."

Standing next to me, Sanji _melted_. "Ahhh, Nami's cold, intimidating glare is just as enchanting as the rest of her...!" I rolled my eyes as _his_ quite literally flipped into hearts. It was equally as disturbing as Luffy's sparkly eyes. "HIIII, Nami-saaaan! Remember me!? It's me, the one who cooked you all those superb meals! Let's leave together~!"

Zoro, true to his canon annoyance, scowled at the cook. "Can it, love cook! Your nonsense just complicates this mess!"

"WHAT!? My love does not complicate anything! Love is a hurricane!"

"HOW DOES A HURRICANE NOT COMPLICATE ANYTHING!?" I pointed out in frustration. Sanji turned to glare at me, but Zoro sighed and looked away, drawing his gaze back.

"Oi, pay attention when I'm talking to you!" Sanji barked furiously.

Zoro gave zero cares about _that. "_ Damn it, woman! Quit lying out your ass!" He placed his hand on his one sword and began to draw it, only to receive a foot in the face from the local blonde moron for his troubles. "O-Oi, what the hell was that for!?"

My hand clenched into a fist. Oh boy, this was gonna be a massive headache, wasn't it? I rubbed my temples in tiredness as their fight escalated quickly.

"I never thought a swordsman would dare to threaten a lady, Roronoa Zoro," he growled. "Have you no honor as a man?"

"Damn you! Honor doesn't entitle going easy on people just because of their gender! That's sexism!"

"Are you calling me sexist, you ungrateful little - -"

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP AND NOT FIGHT EACH OTHER AT A TIME LIKE THIS!?" I exploded at last. My annoyance at the two had reached a boiling point. Honestly, each of them was way too hotheaded. For the past hour, they'd done nothing but accuse me for no reason and insult each other. It was like watching two little kids with overpowered martial arts training.

Zoro glared at me with equal annoyance. "You know, Nami's right about you. You don't know _anything_ about us. Stay out of our business."

"SHUT UUUUUUP!"

Everyone froze.

The outcry hadn't come from me, but from an overly exasperated Luffy. He looked downright _furious_ at everyone. "Evan's right," he said, quieter, though this did not diminish the effect of the statement at all. "He may've only been with us for not even a day, but he's completely right about that. You guys can fight each other whenever you want to, but now is not the time. Calm down and let Nami explain herself."

Abashedly, Zoro and Sanji withdrew, looking anywhere but at each other.

"If you want to fight each other, do it off this island," Nami said decisively. "This isn't your business. You're just outsiders, so leave immediately. I only ever joined you Straw Hats in the first place since you seemed like a path to get rich quick, but now that you're flat broke, I have no use for you whatsoever! Go ahead and take back your ship, but you'll need to find a new person to navigate the Grand Line for you. Now what are you waiting for!? Get the hell out and stop causing unnecessary problems here! Goodbye."

And with that speech, Nami's face darkened, and she whirled around, giving us all a very, very clear glimpse of the tattoo on her shoulder which marked her as one of Arlong's crew. She stomped off sullenly, leaving us all speechless.

"Nami..." murmured Luffy, blinking... and promptly fell over backwards.

I jumped in surprise. "Gah! T-That scared me! Don't do that to a guy!"

"I'm going to sleep," he announced as if that was the obvious thing to do.

"WHAT!?" Johnny exclaimed, his jaw dropping as he stared down in disbelief at the young man.

Yosaku was equally perturbed. "N-Now!? At a time like this!?"

"I'm not interested in what's going on here on this island, and I'm a little sleepy," he said, yawning. Not even a second later, snores rumbled up from his throat, and we all stared at the slumbering pirate captain with mixed emotions.

"W... W-Well, that happened..." I gaped, not quite sure if I'd really chosen the sane thing to do in joining the Straw Hats.

Zoro facepalmed. "Y-Yeah..."

"..."

Calmly, I walked over to Luffy, knelt down, and poked him in the face. He didn't respond. I poked him again, and was met with the same answer. Without breaking pace, I looked up at the rest of those around and said, "...Anyone got a pen on them?"

* * *

One pen and several doodles later left the crew with one ridiculous-looking Monkey D. Luffy, one very satisfied Evan Johnson, and two snickering crew mates. As funny as Hulk Hogan!Luffy was, the situation was still quite serious, however, and Johnny and Yosaku were only strong willed enough to sit and wait until I was done with my pranking. Once we'd had our giggles, they immediately started protesting staying here any longer.

"Shut up," Zoro told them bluntly. "Luffy decided we're staying and so we're staying."

"Don't tell us even after all that, you're still going to try to get Big Sis Nami back, too, Big Bro Zoro!?" demanded Yosaku in pure desperation.

"A captain's order is absolute," I put in helpfully.

Zoro frowned at me, but nodded resolutely. "The newbie's right. It's _Luffy's_ choice who our navigator is, and if he still wants Nami to be on our crew, then I will stand by that decision."

The bounty hunters glanced at each other before apparently coming to a silent agreement.

"A-Alright, understood," Johnny sighed resignedly. He put his hands on his hips. "The time was short, but it seems our role as guides has come to an end."

"Y-Yeah!" agreed Yosaku, patting his chest. "I like living! I'm not gonna stick around to get killed by Arlong and his crew."

"Take care, then."

"You're just gonna casually let those guys waltz off like that?" I asked, blinking.

He shrugged. "They're not a part of our crew. What they do or don't do is up to them. If this is how they want to handle things, let them do so."

"...Withdrawn," I decided with a deadpan. Sometimes Zoro could be really simple, yet nonetheless logical, it would seem. I kind of had more expected that role to be filled in by Luffy, but perhaps when said pirate was out of commission, Zoro took it over? Well, either way, Johnny and Yosaku departed with a quiet farewell and walked off in the path opposite to the one Nami had taken.

"So, anyway, why'd you decide to join this crew?"

The question had been directed to me not by Zoro, but by Sanji, and I blinked at him. "Eh?"

"You heard me. What purpose does an average guy like you have to join a pirate crew?"

What purpose?

...Huh. I hadn't actually really thought about that. I suppose that I'd really just leaped at the chance to join one of my top favorite groups of people in the (fictional) world, people I had never expected in my wildest dreams to be able to join. I had no real skills that would help the Straw Hats function on the seas - - with the possible exception of my superb writing skills qualifying me to become the ship's chronicler - - but I didn't actually have a dream. All of the Straw Hats had some sort of dream that drove them to accepting Luffy's offer. But me? I didn't have anything close to that. I was just literally a normal guy who got caught up in things far greater than he could imagine, and who happened to run across a fabled Devil's Fruit.

That was it... wasn't it?

"I want..." I began, but halted, mulling the question over with a thoughtful frown. "I... I'm not entirely sure. A part of me jumped at the opportunity to travel with an amazing group of people like you..." Zoro tilted his head questioningly, and I understood. "I've heard rumors of the great Roronoa Zoro ending his bounty hunting career to become a pirate himself - - news travels fast, after all - - and figured whoever he joined must've been equally amazing, if not more so. Plus I've also heard about a new pirate crew taking down big-name East Blue pirates. I've always been pretty smart, so it was a simple matter of putting two and two together." This placated Zoro's suspicion, and he nodded in acknowledgement. "Anyway, a part of me jumped at that offer... but... that's not all there is to it, either. I think I also saw it as a chance to really escape the rather boring life I'd lead before that. I always loved to travel but didn't get the chance to do so often; joining you guys seemed like a good way around that."

"And there's more than that, too?" Zoro pressed, sensing the reasoning hadn't quite ended yet.

I nodded, thinking deeply. "Y-Yeah, I think. I'm not sure... I'm not entirely sure, but... I think the largest reason I joined your pirate crew is simply because I want to see all the incredible things the world has to offer, and to tell stories about them to share with other people."

Sanji folded his arms, considering this statement. After a minute he nodded. "Alright, I can accept that. I was unsure if you were really fit for this crew, but really, you're just like us, aren't you?"

That statement made me blink. "W-Wait, what? What do you mean?"

A grin turned up Sanji's lips. "You're a dreamer."

"I..." I paused, then smiled awkwardly. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

A dreamer, huh? I hadn't really thought of it like that before, but that did explain quite a lot about me. I'd always been one to imagine amazing scenarios that couldn't quite possibly be achieved except in the realm of fantasy. I always loved writing stories about that, but really that was just me projecting my own internal desires on paper, wasn't it? I wanted to break the chains of reality and see fantastical things. I wanted to be free from the confines of every day normalcy. I wanted... to be _weird_.

"Anyway," Sanji sighed, jabbing a cigarette in Zoro's direction, "why do you suppose Nami-san was crying?"

Zoro blinked; the question from no where had thrown him off guard. "Uh, what? She wasn't crying..."

"She was. In her heart."

"Pfft. You sure she wasn't just conflicted over killing Usopp?"

Sanji hummed. "Yeah, right. Are you kidding?" He grinned calmly, a smile of complete faith. "Do you honestly believe Nami-san killed that Long Nose?"

" _Nami didn't kill him_... is that what you're trying to say?"

The birds quietly sang in the breeze as we sat on the road by the edge of the forest, the wind picking up a little. Overhead, the sun continued to beat down relentlessly, but Sanji's smile was brighter. "Am I wrong?"

"Heh," scoffed Zoro sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. "I wonder. I did make her out to be a small fry who can't even watch a guy a die without leaping in to save him at the last minute. But she might've done it out of frustration; Usopp's lies can be very aggravating, and in a stressful situation like this..."

But Sanji had already been lost at 'small fry.' He scrambled to his feet indignantly, the hero ready to defend his princess's honor. "You bastard! Whaddya mean, ' _small fry_!?' You take that back! There's absolutely nothing small about Nami-san's chest!" And in his completely baseless anger, he rushed at Zoro with a furious high kick.

"H-Hey," I choked out, gaping at the blonde's stupidity, "he wasn't talking about - -"

"IS THAT SERIOUSLY ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT!?" demanded Zoro with an indignant eye twitch. He flung his sheathed sword up to block - -

"GRRRRGK!"

...Only for a certain long-nosed someone to barge in at the last second, and get his face smashed between dress shoe and sword. Akwardness hung in the air, along with Usopp's quickly dying, strangled groans of pain. Sanji and Zoro blinked in shock at the sudden intruder.

"U-Usopp's alive..."

"Er... No... I think he might be dead for real now..."

 _These two..._ I groaned inwardly, smacking my palm to my face. "And this is why you don't get into fights without warning," I grumbled, heaving a large sigh at the two's antics. Apparently an unplanned for, large conversation wouldn't stop Usopp from getting unnecessary injuries... I suppose someone has to be comic relief for the great Lord above.

A humbled silence deafened us as Zoro and Sanji stiffly relaxed, letting Usopp fall painfully to the earth.

"So..." I fumbled, trying and failing to think of a way to remedy the awkwardness, "Uh... now what?"

The two awake members of the Monster Trio glanced at each other... then back at me.

"D'you still have that pen?" asked Sanji blankly.

I grinned slowly. "...I like the way you think," I said, and with an evil chuckle, slipped said pen out of my jeans pocket from where I'd stored it. Perhaps, considering the circumstances, this was a bit of an unethical thing to do, but honestly, the opportunity was too rare to pass up!

And so another good man fell victim to my childish prank.

* * *

"U-Usopp! Your nose is broken and.. and you've got cat whiskers all over your face! Did Nami do this to you!? Speak to me, man!"

Luffy had woken up around ten minutes earlier, and immediately spied the fallen sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates alive and not-so-well. He had picked Usopp up from his uncomfortable position on the ground, supporting him cautiously like someone support a dying person.

"Erm... no... Evan did it," said Sanji, pointing at me. I glared at him.

"Oi! You were the one who suggested it - - and you and Zoro both were the cause for his injuries, not me!"

Luffy looked vaguely torn between being troubled and being greatly amused, but before he could decide, Usopp croaked in relief, "L-Luffy... you're here?"

"Yeah, just got here," he said simply.

Sanji raised his hand. "Ah, I came too! Good to work with you!"

I raised mine as well. "And you won't know me, but I joined the crew today as well. Pleasure to meet you, Long Nose!"

Usopp leaped to his feet, his hands clenched into resentful fists and his eyes narrowing at us. "Some day I'm gonna kill you two! How dare you draw on a man's face when he's down!?"

"Oh, you're pretty active for those injuries!"

"QUIET, YOU!"

Zoro folded his arms and raised an eye brow. "Speaking of which, we heard that Nami had killed you in cold blood. So why are you here now, talking to us like nothing ever happened?"

"YOU - - wait, what?"

"Ah, damn it, Johnny!" Luffy muttered, getting to his feet and frowning a very disappointed frown. "I knew he was talking nonsense from the start!"

Usopp blinked. "So Johnny saw all that, huh...? Well, I suppose, in a way it wasn't actually a lie at all. Rather, it was just the opposite of what he saw... You see, Nami didn't hurt me at all; in fact, she saved my life."

And so began the tale of how Usopp had evaded death. Running in line with what I'd seen recently, for the most part it seemed to have gone according to canon events. Usopp had been captured by the fishmen while attempting to escape them after shooting an Exploding Star in Arlong's face; he had then been brought to Arlong Park, where it was discovered Zoro had cut down many of Arlong's men; and finally Nami had arrived, at which point he'd attempted to escape via smoke screen only for Nami to pretend to stab him, and instead stab _her own hand_. After all of this had played out, Usopp had staggered into the pool that led out to the ocean, swam underwater, and made it to the beach outside the walls of the park, before running all the way here.

"And that's how Nami pretended to kill me so I could escape!" concluded Usopp. "It looks to me like there's a reason for her having joined Arlong other than what everyone on this island thinks."

"Obviously," muttered Sanji, shaking his head.

I winced and clutched my hand. "It's hard to imagine stabbing your own hand for someone..."

"So, what do we do now?" Zoro wondered. He stood tall, his arms folded across his bandaged-up chest. "Do we invade Arlong Park?"

Usopp nearly choked. "H-Hold on! Don't you want to find out Nami's story first!? I think we should do that before butting our noses into these peoples' business..."

"It's no use either way," said _yet another new voice_ , and I threw my hands up.

"Okay, seriously, how much traffic from plot-important people does this stretch of road get!?" I demanded of nobody in particular as we all turned to see Nami's sister (what was her name again? I could never remember it) striding up to us. "I mean, who's gonna come up on us next!? Arlong himself!?"

"...Ignoring the normal kid," said the purple haired woman, blinking at me, "Arlong Park won't fall no matter what you five try."

Usopp blinked in surprise. "Nojiko!"

"Who's she?" Luffy asked innocently, tilting his head like a curious child and pointing his finger at the newcomer.

"He literally just said," I sighed wearily.

Usopp gave me a couple reassuring pats on the back. "Hey, new guy, I know it's hard at first, but you gotta handle Luffy in the simplest manner possible," he said. He nodded sagely and looked back at Luffy. "She's Nojiko, Nami's big sister."

"Oh."

Of course, a certain Love Cook took this information way too much to heart... literally. "N-Nami-san's older sister!? No wonder she's so beautiful! I never imagined she had family like this angel!"

...And he was promptly ignored by literally everyone else.

"What do you mean it's no use?" Zoro asked curiously. Everyone's eyes fell on Nojiko, waiting for her answer. We all wanted to know what was going on in this island - - except for possibly Luffy, who didn't really care either way, and I, who of course already knew.

"Please don't get involved any more with this village," intoned Nojiko. Her hand shifted to her hip, and her gaze softened. "Leave Nami alone, please. I'll explain the circumstances."

The swordsman leaned forward. "Circumstances?"

"You mean why she walks under Arlong's flag?" Usopp guessed.

"Yes. I'm sure you'll feel like leaving the island once you understand the terrible events that went on around here. But first... I've got one question." Nojiko rubbed her head awkwardly. "Um..." She pointed at Luffy. "Why do you have a Hulk Hogan mustache and you, Usopp, have cat whiskers?"

"...EVAN!" whined Luffy, furiously scrubbing at his face, and the rest of us minus Nojiko erupted into laughter.

Sanji gasped through snickers, "I was wondering how long it would take you to notice that!"

"He's so slow," I giggled, wiping my eyes; I'd been laughing so hard I was literally crying. Even Nojiko managed to crack a smile.

The purplette grinned in spite of herself, but said, "Alright, but seriously, do you all wish to hear the terrible past of this island and its people?"

"I'll pass," said both Luffy and I at the same time. We blinked at each other, then shrugged.

"O-Oi!" Usopp choked.

Perhaps he didn't really need an explanation, being the captain, but Luffy walked past Nojiko anyway, saying, "I don't care about her past. What she did then and what happened to her don't matter to me. I know who she is right now, and that's good enough for me."

"And I picked up a lot of information already from my time here before meeting you guys," I lied. I still was hesitant to reveal just how much of the events of this world I knew; I had a feeling that despite the general consensus of fanfiction authors everywhere, the real Straw Hats would not be quite so keen on the idea of being fictional characters created by some old, nerdy guy.

"W-Where are you going, Luffy?" asked Sanji, taking a hesitant step forward.

His answer was short and concise. "For a walk. You coming, Evan?"

"Uh... sure, why not?" I said, and making up my mind to avoid the needless information dump, I headed off to join Luffy.

"A walk!?" Usopp demanded. He seemed completely shocked by this, but honestly, we were the Straw Hats! Since when did Straw Hats ever do things the normal method? "You're not gonna listen to this!?"

"Nope. Like I said, I'll pass."

I nodded my head and gave a bit of a _see ya_ wave. "Yep, it's the same as him for me."

And so we walked, to an uncertain end point... at least, uncertain if you hadn't watched the anime, but I'd gotten spoilers. And that was actually part of the reason I'd decided to walk. After all... if there was one thing I absolutely despised, it was people abusing their power in exchange for cold, hard cash.

 _Captain of the 16th Branch of the Marines, Nezumi..._ I smirked viciously as Luffy strolled ahead of me, my eyes flashing with danger. _You don't even know it yet, but you're about to get your slimy little ass handed to you on a silver platter, you little rat._


	4. Definitely Not a 4kidz Sell-Out

**Author's Note:** Here we are once again. Followers and favorites are appreciated, and I greatly encourage reviews. This chapter took forever to finish because of the sheer length lol. I still don't own One Piece, so all copyright things belong to Eiichiro Oda blah blah blah. Alright, let's get on with it!

* * *

Chapter 4: Weasels in the Tangerine Field

Flow! The Waters of Vengeance!

Walking with Luffy was a strangely humbling activity. The future Pirate King was much, much quieter than I'd imagined him capable of being, perhaps contemplating the events of the past day. I wouldn't blame him; if I remembered correctly, both Arlong Park and the Baratie had happened in the same day. It was a lot for one guy to handle at once.

Now that things had calmed down somewhat, I was able to once more take a psychological step back and appreciate my surroundings. The island was pretty beautiful, the trees alongside our road housing a chorus of birds singing all up and down the staff. Here and there, a rodent - - a squirrel once and a groundhog another time - - scurried before us as we strode down the dirt path. The sky was baby blue, but slowly gaining those huge clouds, puffy and gray, which whispered of a possible storm on the horizon. The air was warm, yet pleasantly cool if you stood in the shade.

I took a deep breath of fresh, unpolluted air and rolled my shoulders back. "This island is beautiful, isn't it?" I said with a pleased sigh.

"Mm," said Luffy.

I frowned at him. "You know, I thought you'd be more talkative."

He was silent for a moment. I was starting to wonder if maybe I'd said something wrong, or if he was holding a grudge for my having graced him with Hulk Hogan hair. That thought made me a little nervous - - Luffy could hit hard, and if he went at me, it would rather be like a truck running over a china pot. Contrary to my nerves, though, he lifted his arms, stretched, and at last turned to me with big, innocent eyes.

"Hey, hey, can you do some water tricks!?" squealed Luffy, a huge grin spreading across his face.

My face fell into a deadpan. "Of course that's what you wanted," I said. I rolled my eyes. "Honestly, I don't even fully know _what_ my powers entail yet, but… well, I suppose I could try something."

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine water coiling out of the air and swirling around Luffy in snake-like streams. After all, in my stories, one of the main perks of Damon's powers was his ability to turn water vapor into actual water. If my Devil Fruit really _was_ some kind of water-type ability, it might work in the same way. However, I didn't feel any different. I hadn't quite been sure what I'd expecting; maybe a pull in my gut, or some sort of inner sixth sense that told me when I was using my powers correctly?

My eyes slowly opened, and I was disappointed to see no such water in sight.

Luffy pouted. "That was lame," he whined like a disappointed little kid at a magic show. He put his hands to his hips and frowned at me. I rolled my eyes; I'd just gotten my powers today! He was a Devil's Fruit user himself; he should know better than most that you don't instantly understand the ins and outs of your power.

That being said, in spite of everything I was fairly disappointed myself. "Uh, hold on," I said, frowning and looking out into the trees. My eyes scanned rows of tree trunks, dangling twigs, and fresh, green leaves. Were there any small ponds nearby? It would probably be a lot easier to initially use the water available in liquid form rather than to try to form it from water vapor right off the bat. A spark of sunlight on a surface of blue caught my eye through rows of trees and I grinned. "Alright, one second… let's see if this works."

I reached out for the small pond hidden in the trees, and deep inside me, something just… clicked. A deep yell erupted from my lips, and with the yell, the water in the pond swirled, lifted off of the ground, and shot through the trees to me. My hand clenched tightly as if I was punching. A mental imaged popped into my head of what I wanted the water to do. The swirling droplets, throwing faint rainbows every which way, slowly molded together into the form of a massive fist, then gave a watery thumbs-up.

Luffy froze and stared, his eyes wide and his grin wider. "Hollllyyyyy craaaaap, that was so cool!" he cheered. His eyes shone with excitement. "Do something else!"

Uhhhh… okay.

Concentrating like a nerd studying for a math test, I mentally formed the water into something more tangible - - a little pistol - - while letting the unused liquid flow back into its original spot in the pond. I reached out and grabbed the pistol out of the air, surprised at the fact that I could actually touch it without it bursting into blue liquid like a watery piñata, and pointed it at a tree. Grinning, my finger descended on the wet trigger.

 _FA-FOOM! FA-FOOM! FA-FOOM!_

Three rapid-fire shots exploded from the pistol, with a sound not unlike waves crashing against a rocky shore. The tree, as if hit by rocket launcher, crunched and splintered, thousands of tiny pieces of bark flying everywhere. …Except it hadn't quite been the tree I'd aimed at, and instead had been one several feet away. My eyes still almost popped out of my head, though. I had _not_ been expecting that kind of power from just water bullets!

For a moment, Luffy and I just stood staring at the damage done to the tree.

"Uh…" I said, blinking stupidly, "…eat your heart out, 4kids?"

Luffy, a little kid in an amusement park, turned slowly to me, eyes so bright they should've come with a warning label. "That… WAS SOOO COOOOOL!"

"T-Thank you," I stammered, still trying to wrap my head around everything. I mean, it was pretty much proven I could never be a match for Usopp in a sniper battle now, but I _did_ have something that could potentially cause mass amounts of destruction - - as long as I could shoot even _somewhat_ straight. Horseshoes and hand grenades, eh? It was… it was kind of humbling, handling power like that. I swallowed a nervous gulp of air, my mouth dry. As my confidence waned, my command on the water dropped as well, and the pistol deformed, seeping down around my hand and onto the dirt path.

"Welp, let's get going again, then!" Luffy chirped, and immediately turned back to continue walking down the path. I sighed to myself; despite my sudden doubts in my ability to handle power, my new captain's apparent attention problems were quite humorous.

"Never thought that the great, future King of the Pirates would have ADD…" I said, shaking my head fondly. "I guess we have more in common than I thought."

I jogged to catch up with him, all the while thinking about the actions I'd just performed. It would seem that any water I interacted with could be touched by not just me, but other things/people, as though it were a solid object instead of a liquid. I could probably form some very helpful attacks using this concept. Really, I was quite thankful Luffy had asked me to practice my powers; now I could hone and use my powers to kick some sorry pirates' and Marines' asses.

 _Okay, so let's review what we know so far about my Devil Fruit powers_ , I reflected as Luffy and I walked. _When I concentrate, I can walk on water, and I can make liquid water do whatever I want it to do. Even so, I'm affected by water just as badly as any other Devil Fruit user, which means I'm also affected by Seastone just as badly. My powers also don't seem to work with water in any form besides liquid - - at least, not without practicing my powers more, or maybe Awakening my Devil Fruit. I may or may not - - this remains to be seen - - be able to control an infinite amount of water at once. And lastly, the water which I interact with acts as though it is some weird cross between a solid and a liquid; it keeps its form when messed with like a solid, but flows and transforms shape just as easily as a liquid._

I tapped my chin in thought, and grinned.

 _I can't wait to overuse stupid ocean jokes!_

* * *

I hadn't realized how large Conomi Island really was.

It was _big._ Not the biggest, but to give a decent comparison, it took a good hour for Luffy and I to reach Nami's village. That was a pretty decent length to walk - - at a normal pace, that would land it at about two miles or so, and there was much, much, MUCH more of the island left to go. It hadn't looked all that large in the actual series in comparison to many of the other islands... But of course, that translated to diddly squat in real life. The size issues were likely caused by a mixture of my own unreasonable expectations for island sizes (generally very, very small), the ocean dwarfing it when maps of it were shown, and general human error.

It still left me wondering why the 500-years-advanced mind of Vegapunk hadn't thought of cars when _waterborne locomotives_ were in play. Couldn't they create some sort of transoceanic road if they could make a transoceanic railroad?

Hm... if only I'd had a more engineering-oriented mind. I probably would have been able to make millions selling present-day Earth technology to these comparatively Stone Age people! Well, okay, to be fair, they HAD achieved creating functioning cyborgs before us... but I stand by my point.

...Oh, right, Nami's village. Damn attention deficiency...

Cocoyashi Village was a quiet town, far smaller than the average town I was used to back home. I suppose this came as no surprise when you really thought about it; despite the size of the island, much of it would be dedicated to farm land, forested over, or have too soggy ground to build on. These poor conditions weren't exactly conductive to rapid human population expansion. The village was most likely located in the one place they could really safely build on, as well as have an easy access to the ocean for trading.

The town itself was quiet and peaceful... or at least, gave the vibe that it usually was. When Luffy and I arrived, many of the villagers were outside of their houses, either on their porches, or anxiously pacing about the dirt streets. Other than the nervousness of the villagers, it was pretty much your average medieval fantasy town. None of the houses attempted to stand out, although the doctor's "office" - - a squarish and rather conspicuous building - - could be easily spotted. This was probably for the better, to be honest; the easier one could find the doctor's, the better. The only thing that kept it from the appearance of a peaceful, quiet village was the obvious nervousness of the townsfolk.

"Are the villagers acting funny to you?" I asked Luffy, motioning to a guy who kept glancing to the sea. The ocean, so close I could smell the salty breeze, was a brilliant, deep blue, waves rolling gently. Memories of vacations to Florida, one to North Carolina, and another to Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula washed over me, and I couldn't help but smile at them. The tension in the village put a bit of a halter on that, though.

Luffy blinked. "Huh. Yeah. I was gonna just sit around somewhere, but... Wanna check around to see if there's a fight going down?" A grin spread across his face, and I rubbed my temples wearily. Of course he'd jump to the conclusion of a fight... he probably just wanted there to be one so he could go a few rounds with the winner.

"Allow me to check something first," I said, and headed off to the direction of the docks. Or at least, judging by the direction of the breeze, and the briny smell in the air, what I assumed to be the direction of the docks.

Luffy blinked curiously and followed. "Huh? Check what?"

"The docks," I said. I thought quickly. "The way I see it, the only way a fight would break out is if the Marines had arrived, or Arlong was collecting taxes from the village and somebody had finally had enough. But since they've been accepting his taxes for a long time, I don't think the latter's much likely. Therefore, I'm looking to see if there's a Marine ship docked at the village."

"Oh. How'd you know all that?"

 _That_ was an easy lie to make. "I've been around the island for a day or so, Luffy. I've learned a bit about this place just from what I've picked up from the locals, and what I've seen happen."

"Oh. Okay."

I thanked the Lord for Luffy's simplicity, and allowed myself a breath of relief.

We walked through the village fairly quietly. The salt clinging to the breeze tickled your nose, and the overhead sun was beginning to get excruciating on the back of my neck (where the hell is sunscreen when you need it?), but it was a fairly nice experience, honestly. It was, save for the unrest in the Cocoyashi Village populace, fairly peaceful. The only real sound was the increasingly less distant crashing of waves against a beach, and the occasional hum of insects that flew by.

We made it to the docks two minutes later, and our smiles dropped.

"That's a big ship." My jaw dropped. I'd never anything larger than an over-sized yacht in real life before, much less a battleship decked out with cannons, huge white sails, and several masts on one deck.

Luffy shrugged. "I've seen bigger."

"That's what she said."

"Who said that?"

"...As tempting as it is to turn this conversation into an Abbott And Costello routine," I said with a wide smirk worthy of a certain sound-snail, "I'm going to avert that for fear of cosmic retribution." I could've sworn I heard a disappointed groan from the Heavens, and looked around for a desk to introduce to my face. Sadly, there wasn't one, so my hand would have to suffice.

"Why'd you slap yourself in the face?" asked Luffy curiously.

I glared darkly at the sky. "Because authors are jerks. And apparently love their cliches."

"I'm... confused. Also kinda bored now. I'm gonna find a tree to sit against."

I blinked as Luffy wandered off in search for a tree. Whatever had happened to being excited for a fight? Ah well, I suppose even battle-oriented future Pirate Kings were entitled to brief moments of ADD. Or perhaps in Luffy's case, ADHD, because if the canon was anything to go by, that boy had _ridiculous_ energy reserves - - especially when there was decent meat storage nearby. I sighed internally, rubbing my temples. "This is my life now," I grumbled. Damn it, I'd been so eager to beat the shit out of Captain Nezumi with my new powers, too... And maybe I could've even stopped Nojiko from getting shot. Not that it had really hurt her long-term, but still, getting a bullet lodged in your back could _not_ be fun.

I gritted my teeth. I did _not_ want to be the kind of person who stuck to the rules and let things happen. I know that was exactly the kind of thing I'd written about, but now it was personal. Now all these characters were real people, with real pasts that haunted them, and real emotions, real hopes ,and real dreams! I couldn't just... I couldn't just sit back and do nothing! But what could I do? What in the world could inexperienced, weak me do in this superhuman sea - - even with powers that shouldn't have ever been my own?

"Oi," said Luffy suddenly, "who do you think that weirdo is?"

I blinked into reality - - or as much of reality as an anime brought to life could be - - and stared.

Nezumi.

It was Captain Nezumi of the Marines, the man who had stolen Nami's money and shot Nojiko in the original story, and he had a handful of gun-toting Marine foot soldiers watching his back. Next to him, a defeated man in a red uniform with white buttons and gold shoulder pads marched with his hands tied behind his back. A pinwheel sat upon his sheriff's hat, turning idly in the slight wind.

Anger reared up in me. I wanted to rush up and punch the rat-bastard in his sorry mouth, but my legs were strangely frozen in place. I couldn't move.

"What the hell do you Marines want with Nami?" I heard the red-suited man, who was clearly Genzo, spat at Nezumi.

The corrupt bastard just avoided the question with a smirk and a laugh. "Chi. All you need to do is lead the way."

A very pleased with himself Nezumi, a pissed off Genzo, and a ragtag group of silent Marines marched by Luffy and I, their Navy-issued guns bouncing on their shoulders. Meanwhile, my entire body trembled, even as an enraged glare crossed my face and bore into the back of Nezumi's head. Why? WHY? _WHY COULDN'T I MOVE MY GODDAMN LEGS!?_

Luffy stared off at the Marines marching away from us in shock. "E-Evan. You saw that too, right?"

"Saw what?" I said through gritted teeth, glaring at my legs to _freaking move so I could punch the rat-bastard in the goddamn face_.

"That guy."

"Which one?"

"The guy leading those other guys. He had a pinwheel in his hat, didn't he? It was so cool!"

...Where the _hell_ was a desk which I could promptly introduce my face to!? I looked around the village for one and groaned when I didn't see any. Fate-sama, you work in mysterious, and very annoying, ways.

Speaking of which, how come I could move now, after the Marines had already passed us and were many feet down the road!?

"D-Damn it..." I growled, clenching my hands into fists. "Damn it... I should've done something..."

Luffy blinked. "How so?"

"Didn't you hear them!?" I spat, rage in my eyes as I fell to my knees, punching the road. "Gen - - that guy who was leading them was saying that they wanted something to do with Nami! They're going to hurt her!"

Luffy blinked. He was silent for a moment. Then his gaze turned from me to the path the Marines (they were already out of sight) had taken and he _glared_.

"I was going to take a nap against a tree," he growled, his eyes blazing fury, "but that can wait. Come with me."

And although my legs for some reason broke out in trembles, I nodded grimly, bit my lip, and stomped down the road after him. Canon!Luffy may not have realized the implications behind the Marines passing through the village looking for Nami, thus allowing everything to come crashing around her, but to hell with myself if I was going to let _that_ happen. And I was not feeling very merciful right now, either; I was beyond pissed. I was outright through the roof with myself.

Because I'd finally realized why I had been unable to confront the Marines right then when they'd passed by us.

I had been afraid. The moment I'd laid eyes on all those guns, no doubt loaded to the brim with deadly bullets, my desire to fight had gave way to fear

"Pathetic," I hissed to myself. "Pathetic... I shouldn't be so afraid of some moron like Nezumi and his gang of noobs. He's so weak even _Usopp_ would be able to K.O. him with one punch." My fingers dug so tightly into my fist they actually hurt. "And hell, I'm not gonna fall behind that Long-Nose."

Now I just needed to find a good source of water... and an empty barrel. Or, even better yet, a barrel already full of water.

"...Hey, Luffy, think you could hold up a moment?"

:: NAMI ::

Nami had expected a lot from today, but that was all quickly falling apart. She'd wanted to erase the memories of those damned lovable Straw Hats from her mind. Contrary to her desires, they'd party crashed the island anyway, ignoring her completely and doing whatever the hell they wanted. Then Arlong and his men had almost discovered The Most Important Secret.

Speaking of which... _why the hell were the Marines in Bellemere's tangerine orchard!?_

"You... bastards..." The redhead had had a lot of time to master the art of glaring, and right now the captain of the Marines searching around Bellemere's house were experiencing that full-force. "Get out of Bellemere's tangerines!"

"That's some high and mighty act you're putting on, thief!" spat the division's captain, smirking cheekily at her. "After all, didn't I tell you when we arrived here? The 100 million belli is confiscated under government orders!"

Somehow captured within the Marines' ranks, her dear old friend Genzo gasped in horror, and yet another piece of her life was shattered. "How did you know there was that much cash!?" he gasped, his widening in horror, and Nami's heart fell.

What... the hell was going on...

"Gen-san... how'd you know?" she said hollowly.

Genzo opened his mouth to talk... Only for said mouth to slacken in shock when every Marine keeping guard over him was wiped out in a single instant by thin hands, the arms so long they appeared to be made... of... rubber...

Oh no. Luffy.

"YOU DAMN BASTARDS THINK YOU CAN STEAL NAMI'S TREASURE!?" someone only very vaguely familiar roared, and suddenly Nami was staring at a wall of water, measuring about 100 square feet, that had risen up behind Captain Nezumi. The rat-bastard, seeing a strange shadow cover the ground before him out of nowhere, slowly turned around. Nami herself was so surprised that she even forgot to be pissed off at Luffy for once again getting into things that were none of his business. The water then congealed into a big, blue fist, and her brain nearly stopped working.

Um... not Luffy...? Nobody she knew? ...What?

"...The world doesn't make sense anymore," moaned Nami, and she slumped to her knees in confusion.

:: EVAN ::

We'd worked it out on the way there. Luffy told me since I was a newbie on the crew and I wanted to prove myself, and since the Marine captain hadn't looked like he would be any fun at all to fight anyway, I could have my way with him. Well, okay, those weren't his words at all. Actually, that was my question to him. That was just what his excruciatingly simple "Oh, sure," had approved of.

Except for the last bit. Luffy hadn't been impressed with Nezumi, even without having the ability to judge an opponent's strength yet.

Thus, upon arriving at Bellemere's tangerine orchard, Luffy had wasted no time clearing out the lackeys so I could have a fair one vs one with Nezumi, and I had summoned my giant water fist. Clearing the lackeys away had helped me be able to move (I correctly guessed that I'd unconsciously been afraid of so many people with guns). Seeing Nezumi's suddenly scared shitless face upon turning around and spotting such a thing was beyond priceless.

"Yeehihihihi!" I chortled, grinning from ear to ear. "Now that is not something you get to see every day!"

"Shut up!" said a red-faced, though still suitably terrified Nezumi. "Who the hell are you two!?"

Luffy pinched his lip and pulled it to the side, stretching it out unnaturally far. I fought back a cringe. That was... really disturbing to see in real life. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy, a rubberman!" he said, his face never reaching anything more than blank. "I'm going to be the King of the Pirates."

"And I'm the newest member of his crew, Ev - - Johnson Evan, eater of the... Tempest-Tempest Fruit," I said thunderously. "And I challenge you to a duel."

A sudden flying Nami came out of nowhere, Bo staff twirling through the air. I blinked, and then was introduced to a world of hurt. My head reared back as a result of getting a slender, brown wooden staff slammed into it, and I tumbled painfully across the ground. The big water barrel I'd gotten from Cocoyashi Village tumbled out of my hands and rolled to a stop several feet away. My water broke because of my lack of conversation and splashed chaotically into the earth.

...I'm going to blame that last sentence on head trauma.

"O-Ow... what the hell, _why..."_ I mumbled blearily, sitting up and nursing my sore everything.

Blinking through tears, I saw a terrified and furious Nami glowering at me. "You!" she roared. "You don't know anything about me, or about this island, or even about this crew! And you, Luffy, you don't know what the hell you're doing! Both of you leave now!"

"I may have only been on the crew for less than a day..." I said firmly, "but that doesn't mean that you're not my nakama. And I'm not gonna let these people hurt you."

Luffy nodded. "That's what friends do," he quipped, his expression unreadable.

Nami stared. Genzo, standing a few feet away from Captain Nezumi, also stared. Any Marines who had been in the orchard itself, and thus not in the way of Luffy's rubbery arms of doom, stared as well. Nezumi himself stared so much his eyes seemed like they were popping out of his heads, but surprisingly, he was the first of them all to recover.

"What is this lunacy!?" he growled. The bastard's eyes narrowed as he scrutinized me. "Pirates here!? Hm, you're not in _his_ list... I'm going to capture the both of you along with any and all money this young lady has accumulated!"

"His..." Genzo's eyes widened, and he tore his gaze from Luffy and I to the resident rat-bastard. "You scum. You've been working for Arlong!"

Nami's breath hitched, and she looked like she was going to throw up. Panic crossed her face, and her staff thudded to the ground. "No way," she breathed in horror. "You _do_ work for him..."

He snickered and offered a cheeky smirk at Luffy and I. "Indeed I do. So hear that? Try anything with me, and Arlong will have at you."

The thought of the terrible fishman breathing down my neck did scare me shitless, but I managed to open my mouth and spit, "Screw Arlong. I'm going to kick your ass, right here, right now, and nothing you can say will change that unless you yourself decide to fight me. So what's it gonna be, 'Marine?' Defend what very little honor you have after a stunt like this, or get your sorry ass shoved so far up into you that you'll only have _one_ pair of cheeks?"

 _That_ set Nezumi off. "Alright, you pirate scum, that's enough insubordination! DIE!" He raised his pistol and aimed at my chest.

 _SHIT,_ I thought, and rolled out of the way without a second to spare, just as a furious retort of gunfire rose in the orchard. I had quite literally dodged the bullet by the skin of my teeth. Scrambling to my feet, I took off for the cover of the tangerine bushes. Two poorly aimed gunshots sounded behind me, but luckily it would seem that Nezumi - - like most Marines - - had taken Stormtrooper Shooting 101, and passed with flying colors. Thus, the bullets sailed by harmlessly, slamming into some poor, innocent tree at the edge of the nearby forest.

"Alright, alright, let's see," I grunted, scanning the impromptu battle field. Dotted throughout the tangerine bushes were what remained of Nezumi's division. Being expendables, they were hardly worth dirt, and this could be safely ignored unless I was very close to them. Logically, Nezumi himself would have to have at least _some_ fighting skill, or else he wouldn't have ever been upgraded to Captain level. The rat-bastard was stomping with unbridled fury towards me. His angry face was much less scary than it was hilarious, however; he looked rather like a sunburnt mouse with steam coming out of its ears.

In the back of my mind, I wished the All-Seeing Author had allowed me to bring my iPod with me. That expression was priceless.

"You little brat!" howled Nezumi, shaking his fist. "Do you realize how much money you could cost me with your interference!?"

I glared darkly at him. "That's not your money in the first place, jackwagon. _Nam_ _i_ earned it all through her own effort, a word I bet you don't even know the definition of."

That statement got under Nezumi's nerves so bad, he didn't say anything at all. Instead, he just roared in annoyance and stomped his feet, not unlike a kid throwing a tantrum. I stared in dark amusement; this was what the Marines decided to be capable of correctly running a division of men? Finally, the Captain pointed his gun at me, cocking back the safety of it.

My knees shook a little in spite of myself.

"Y-You do know..." I said, cursing myself for _still_ being afraid. Hell, I _knew_ Nezumi was a terrible shot, but that didn't make having a gun pointed at me any less terrifying! "You do know that guns aren't just for show, right?"

Across the orchard, Luffy blinked at me, surprised.

"For show..." Nezumi's rage was forgotten as he cocked his head. Confusion turned his eyebrows up. "The hell are you talking about, scum?"

I bit back a lump in my throat. I threw my concentration out to the general area around the grounds where Nami had hit me. "Guns," I said, "are a commitment. When you point one at another person..."

Unseen by Nezumi, whose confused focus was directly on me, water coiled up into the air behind him. It formed itself into the shape of a pistol, floated through the air, and halted barely two inches from the back of the moron's Captain's coat.

"No way," Nami's voice breathed on the edge of my hearing.

"C-CAPTAIN!" cried one of Nezumi's still-conscious subordinates.

Luffy considered me with a thoughtful gaze.

"You're willingly putting your own life on the line, letting Fate make you her stepping stone," I finished. "Guns... are a declaration of war."

 _FA-FOOM!_

The trigger on the water-gun released without anyone touching it, and one liquid pellet powered through the short distance to Nezumi. It ripped through his pristine cloak like butter before punching into his skin. It didn't travel near any vital points, but it was still forceful enough to send the Marine toppling face-first into the grass. I heard the sounds of several Marines readying to make a pincushion out of me, but a furious cry from Luffy of "STAY OUT OF HIS BATTLE!" later, they were all laid out cold.

Still conscious, but barely able to move, Nezumi picked himself up onto his hands and one knee. He glared up at me, tears of pain building up in his eyes. Despite the fact that it was a shithead like Nezumi, I suddenly felt horrible. I'd actually shot someone. With a water gun, sure, but a water gun that actually acted like a real one. I'd gone against every moral code I'd learned from years of Sunday mass. My breathing quickened as panic, remorse, and horror for what I'd done settled in. The water gun broke form and splashed against the Marine Captain's leg.

"You... you do realize I'm going to make your captain's life hell for this, right?" growled Nezumi through gritted teeth.

...On second thought, screw remorse.

"You just never learn, do you?" I spat, glaring at the pitiful man on the ground before me. "Others aren't to be blamed for your own failures." I walked with a dangerous silence up to him, the entire orchard watching me. Finally, I drew my foot back, and kicked the Marine right in the face.

He crumpled back down, this time out cold.

I took several deep breaths, attempting to calm myself down. Once I felt somewhat less angry, I stepped over Nezumi's unconscious body and made my way back to Luffy, and to Nami, who seemed conflicted. Genzo's expression was unreadable; he seemed uncertain whether to be shocked or relieved.

As for me... how was I feeling?

I honestly wasn't sure. Adrenaline coursed through my veins. I hadn't even noticed it starting up, but it must've been sometime during the fight. It was throwing me off, and I decided I'd take a restock of my emotions once it wasn't acting upon me anymore.

"Well," I said, after a minute of silence, "that's over now."

Luffy didn't respond for a moment. Then he grinned. "Yep, I knew you'd be perfect."

"Uh... huh?" I blinked, stupefied. "Sorry, but, where'd that come from, exactly?"

"You're exactly like us!" confirmed Luffy, his lips stretching out wider. I stared at him. "This is gonna be great!"

Nami groaned and put her hands in her face. "I... I give up. Do what you want already, just leave me alone... please... I need some time to talk with Genzo here." Seeing Luffy's blank tilt of his head, she rubbed her temples. "BY OURSELVES."

"Oh, okay."

And just like that, he started back off in the direction of Cocoyashi Village, one hand on his straw hat. Completely throw off the loop, I found myself unsure of what to do, glancing from Luffy to Nami and back again. "H-Hey, what're you..." I stammered, blinking rapidly. "You're just... Ah, screw it. WAIT!"

Once again, I found myself chasing after a pleased Luffy, not knowing what the hell was going on anymore.

::NAMI::

Nami didn't know what the hell was going on anymore.

First, an enormous fist of water had risen out of nowhere. Then some weirdo holding a barrel - - a weirdo she'd seen only once before, when she'd tried to get Luffy and the others to leave initially - - had appeared, and challenged the Marine Captain. And not only that, but that new guy with the brown hair and brown eyes, and the considerably cool-looking bomber jacket, had actually been the one controlling the water! Nami had seen a lot of crazy in her life, but a pistol formed out of water, actually working? Yeah, that had taken the cake.

She and Genzo currently sat in Bellemere's house, cups of tangerine tea on the dining table between them. How long had it been since she'd had the chance to properly talk like this with her old friend? Under different circumstances, she might have been crying from joy, yet now she only felt hollow. She'd heard what Genzo had mentioned earlier, before Luffy and the newbie's abrupt arrival: that Genzo knew how much money she held, and why.

"How?" asked Nami, tears building up against her will. "H-How'd you know?"

The good man cast his gaze down to his tangerine tea. "Nami, everyone knows."

"I told the village," said the voice of her sister, and Nami couldn't find it in herself to be surprised at Nojiko's silent entry to the house. Her sister, her only true confident, just _appeared_ at the entrance to the kitchen, leaning against the door. Nojiko folded her arms across her chest. "I told everyone what you told me. I couldn't stand them thinking they'd been betrayed, that you'd actually gone to Arlong. What happened here, by the way? It looks like the orchard received a very specified rainstorm, and there's a bunch of Marines unconscious in the tangerines."

"That's one way of putting it," Nami sighed, downcast.

For a second, both Genzo and Nojiko were silent.

"It was those guys, wasn't it?" said Nojiko at last, her eyes narrowing.

Genzo frowned. "If you mean the young man with the straw hat and the young man with the bomber jacket, yes. They showed up and stopped Nezumi from stealing all of Nami's money. The latter had some sort of water Devil Fruit."

"A.. Devil Fruit?" Her sister's eyes widened. "Nami, why didn't you say your friends were Devil Fruit eaters!?"

The redhead croaked, "I didn't know. I only knew about Luffy's Gum-Gum Fruit. That they would pick up another Hammer..." She laughed humorlessly. "Those guys are just asking to get themselves into trouble, aren't they?"

"Nami... if they're able to fight with powers like that... they might be able to take down Arlong."

"NO!" cried Nami, terror bursting into every nerve of her body. She sat up so quickly that her chair fell backward with a clatter, her tea swirling in her cup. Her eyes were wild, her every movement one of panic. "No, it's impossible to kill Arlong! Trust me... trust me, I've tried! I've tried so many times to kill him when he wasn't paying attention..." The tears were real now, unable to be held back, flowing like streams. "So many times... He's practically invincible. Nothing I did worked. Not poisoning his food, or setting traps, or trying to stab him in the back..."

Nami was shaking now, every bone in her body remembering the punishment she'd endured as a result of her attempted murders. Somehow, some horrible way, she'd suffered through it all, all in an attempt to give Cocoyashi Village even the smallest chance at survival. To save her friends, she'd go through anything. She'd _gone_ through _everything_.

Genzo's eyes widened. "Nami..." he breathed.

Her sobs shook her body, her hands trembling. "Everyone's just got to stop..." she said quietly, defeatedly. "It's all pointless. Everything's pointless. Arlong... will always win. No one will be able to stand against him when he's angry. No when will even _want_ to stand against him when he's angry.

But the old man had seen. He had seen Straw Hat's determination; he'd seen Bomber Jacket's protectiveness.

"They will," he said, and he may not have even known who those people were, or remembered their names, but he could feel it with every fiber of his being. "Those men will fight, and keep on fighting."

"They'll die."

"Men of conviction like them? They'll never die."

Nojiko, who had been mostly silent throughout this exchange, decided to speak up. "The other members of the crew are waiting, too. They refuse to leave, despite now knowing everything that has happened. Even Usopp's staying without a second thought, and I'd had him pegged as a coward."

They... weren't leaving? They were still willing to fight?

It was, at once, everything Nami had ever hoped for and everything she'd feared of.

"Nami." The sternness of Genzo's voice forced the young navigator to look him in the eyes. "You know that once the villagers here what happened at this house today, they will refuse to stand quietly any longer, right? You know they will take up arms and nothing you can do or say will stop them from challenging Arlong?"

"I..."

"I think you have a choice to make, Nami," Genzo said firmly.

Nami swallowed. "A choice?"

Nojiko nodded her agreement, her blue hair swaying. "Yes, a choice. You can either leave it to those Straw Hats, the men who want to fight for you and _will_ fight for you, if you just tell them to, or you can keep torturing yourself, in which case we'll end your suffering the best way we know how to: Stopping Arlong ourselves."

"I... I..."

Nami glanced, horrified, between her sister and old friend. Their faces showed their seriousness. They completely believed what they were saying... and somewhere, deep down, even the navigator herself knew it to be true. What happened today was monumentous, non-negotiable, the point of no return. Somehow or other, fate had decided to bring everything to a close today. But she still was afraid. She still couldn't trust the Straw Hats would survive.

Nami hesitated. "I... um..."

"It's okay to be afraid," said Genzo, smiling a reassuring smile. "Fear is what makes us stronger."

Was it really okay to put her faith in her captain?

And thus, her mind running wild, Nami squeezed her eyes shut, planted her foot down, and made her decision.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** HOLY CRAP 7,000 words! Not only is that a first for _Ripples in the Pond_ , but it's also a first for me in general! I've never before achieved a chapter of this length in any of my previous stories. This is quite ridiculous for me. XD One quick thing I want to clear up: All of Evan VS Nezumi happened while Nojiko was making her way back to Bellemere's house, as a result of the crew moving closer to Arlong Park before chatting with Nami and Nojiko. The added time it took for Nojiko to get back allowed for everything to happen the way it did, without her there to see it.

And yes, yes I do love my cliches.


	5. An Ant Carrying 5000 Times Its Weight

**Disclaimer:** Hopefully this chapter should prove just how far Evan has to go in terms of fighting. He does demonstrate his water powers about, showing them off for the viewer and things, but they're still very sloppy and he doesn't have very many special attacks yet. Until he gets some training in, pretty much everything is going to be on-the-spot bullshit applicable to only Devil Fruit users. His physical weakness is also an issue. The only real strong suits he has are his will to change the future and his Tempest-Tempest Fruit.

If I owned One Piece, it would have 900% more Jackass Gods. Therefore I do not own One Piece. This fanfiction, though? ...Wait and see. :)

* * *

Chapter 5: An Ant Carrying Five Thousand Times its Weight

Evan VS Fonti

* * *

After the adrenaline-filled showdown with Captain Nezumi of the 16th Branch of the Marines, sitting against a tree, twiddling my thumbs with a hare-brained, rubber pirate was extremely unsatisfying.

I shifted on the stump I leaned against in a futile effort to find a comfortable spot. At last throwing the towel on _that_ project, I sighed and rubbed a hand through my hair. "Are you really fine with this?" I asked Luffy, who sat motionlessly on the other side of the stump. My foot tapped a random beat upon the vibrant grass, and _This Will Be the Day_ from the RWBY soundtrack played in some deep recess of my brain.

Luffy didn't make any signs of moving, but I imagined him blinking. "What do you mean?"

"This…" I waved out to the town around us, not sure how to put it to words. "...Waiting!"

"Yep."

I sweatdropped. " _Yep?_ That's all?"

"Yep."

"Don't you want to, I don't know, beat up Arlong for betraying and hurting Nami, or something!?"

"Yep."

I threw my hands up in exasperation, itching to be doing something, _anything_ other than just… well, nothing. I was not what you would call an idle person. Sure, I could sit at my computer playing Minecraft for hours at end, but then, my brain was doing _something_. Sitting around, or even just walking around alone, with nothing to distract myself but my thoughts? ...Yeah, just the thought made me uncomfortable. "So then why did we come back to Cocoyashi Village and sit against this tree, doing nothing!?" I exclaimed, my eye twitching.

"Her answer."

"Her - - wha…?"

Luffy turned around and peered over the stump at me, his hazel eyes firm and determined. "Nami doesn't trust pirates. We're pirates, and this is her home. I won't attack Arlong until Nami decides to trust us enough to put the fate of her home in our hands. She can't really be a member of our crew unless she completely trusts us. But I want her to. And she will. And when she does, I'm going to lay Arlong _flat_."

The straw-hatted boy turned back around and resumed his perfect imitation of Rip Van Winkle.

Several moments passed. I realized my jaw had dropped without my noticing it, and had been this way for about a minute. I immediately closed it.

Well, now. That had been… a thing.

Not quite sure how to respond to UnexpectedlyInsightful!Luffy, I settled for keeping my mouth shut and contemplating his statement. After thinking about it for a bit, it actually made a lot of sense, and was even quite in-character for the rubber-brained captain. It was essentially what he'd told - - or _will tell_ , as it was - - Vivi during their "fight" in the Alabasta Arc. It was all well and good for Nami to worry about her friends' lives, but she had to be willing to put theirs on the line for her goals as well as her own life. For the past whoever-knows-how-many years, she'd been desperately fighting against Arlong in her own way, stealing belli bit by miniscule bit until she could free her home from his reign. But now she had us. Trust is a glass pane, and if you have dirt on your side, then the people on the other aren't going to see through well, either.

Something inside me changed after that short conversation. I wasn't sure what it was, but I _knew_ I was different. I saw Luffy in a new light. Quite all of a sudden, he had breached the confines of 'Favorite Character' and become a real person to me. He had ascended from the pages of manga and frames of anime, ascended to walk on real ground, become worthy of true respect.

And respect Luffy I did.

I hadn't quite expected that - - I'd always put the previously fictional teen on a pedestal, but that wasn't real reverence. That had been mere fanboyism, the mindset of a teen enthralled in a good story and a better main character. Now? Now he had, without a doubt, earned my complete and utter _respect_. As if looking through a much clearer picture, I fully understood why the Straw Hats followed him without question; I knew why neither Zoro (the most unshakeable of the crew) nor Nami (the scariest and, outside of Robin and perhaps Chopper, wisest of the crew) were the Captain. Luffy had qualities they could never find within themselves: an almost instinctual understanding of the way the world worked, the confidence to follow through with it, and the conviction to ensure that it happened.

I had thought I would just sort of go through the motions of being a Straw Hat. In the back of my mind, I'd seen myself as not really a crew member, not really connected to these unbelievable people; simply myself, alone.

But with that one statement, Luffy had completely changed all of that for me.

Without a doubt, I knew that Luffy, and Luffy only, would be the only one I could ever all, with full conviction, belief, and pride, my captain.

Luffy and I sat in deafening silence for what seemed like ages after The Conversation. While I underwent my _Eureka!_ Moment, villagers passed by on the street ahead of us and glanced at us with unreadable expressions. The stump Luffy had picked for us to rest against sat several feet off of the town's main street, right in plain sight for all the villagers to lay their cautious eyes on us. They seemed uncertain of these strangers: what we were there for, how we had come, whether we were in league with Arlong and his gang of overgrown fish sticks. Most of them came and went without a word.

Then, without warning, a flash of hair, reminiscent in color of a tangerine in full bloom, entered my peripheral vision, and someone took a deep breath. I glanced to my left, following the sound out of habit.

My eyes widened.

Facing us in the street stood Nami, and behind her Genzo and Nojiko, both of whom wore a sort of grim smile.

As I watched, Nami came up to me, knelt down, and reached a trembling hand out. "I don't know who you are," she said, her voice catching, "or what you can do. But… thank you. Thank you for challenging the Marines for me, for someone who you don't know and have no reason to fight for."

Completely derailed - - _This had most certainly not been in canon!_ screamed my inner mind in panic - - I could only take her hand, flabbergasted, and give it a firm, albeit short, hand shake.

She then turned and strode heavily across the grass to Luffy. Nami didn't have to get down for him, because instead, he rose to full height, gazing steadily at her under the shadow of his straw hat. Waiting.

"Luffy." There was a moment of silence, a moment that screamed in the air, that rattled and banged and _screamed_ so terribly sadly. Choking on her own tears which could not be held back longer, which flowed freely down her face and into her mouth that had opened to form speech, Nami spoke only two words more: "Help me."

Luffy shifted his gaze to me now, and although he was not smiling, I could sense the happiness welling up inside him from the way his eyes _shone_ with sheer determination. I could only smile back, his previous words reverberating in my brain. " _She can't really be a member of our crew unless she completely trusts us. But I want her to. And she will. And when she does, I'm going to lay Arlong_ flat _._ "

He looked back at Nami, placed a hand on his hat, and slowly lifted it off of his head. He then placed it firmly on her, and tilted it down to fit it on her short, orange hair. For a moment, her body froze, and then fresh tears flowed, harder this time, perhaps in understanding of exactly what this action meant.

"Of course. That's what friends do." As he drew in a deep breath, Luffy's chest heaved. And then, at last, the monumental words exploded out of his mouth like the roar of a lion hunting its prey: "HE'S GONNA PAAAAAAAAY!"

Genzo and Nojiko looked on with joy and relief as Luffy stomped across the ground, his sandals indenting the grass as he went by me. "Evan," he said, and didn't need to say anything more. I already knew. I stood up, hands in my jean pockets, and I walked with him, onto the street and then down it. Sometime recently, the rest of the crew had also made their way to this location; there in front of us stood Sanji, back to us and smoking a cigarette; and Zoro, sitting with his sword at his side on a circular bench with a tiki hut umbrella in the middle; and Usopp, sitting Indian-style with his back to us as well.

Luffy and I walked past them, not looking back.

"Let's go," said my captain, and Sanji, Zoro, Usopp, and I all gazed ahead firmly.

"Right," we the crew said as one body.

Side-by-side, we walked down the road to Arlong Park, not as separate people with separate goals, but in unison, as one crew whose only purpose was to protect one of their own.

* * *

"This door's annoying me."

"It's a _door_ , Luffy. How could it possibly annoy you?"

"I dunno, but I wanna bust it."

 _BAM_.

"...Ok, then."

I stood blinking at the wreckage of what _used_ to be the grand door to Arlong Park. A 'slightly' (read: extremely) pissed-off Luffy stepped through the dust clouds kicked up by him punching it to smithereens. It hadn't stood a ghost of a chance against Luffy's pure might. The moment his fists came into contact with it, it had crumpled into mere splinters and rubble. The door slammed into some unfortunate fishmen, who were immediately knocked out cold, causing general mass hysteria within Arlong Park. Under the general darkness that came as a result of skies overcast with cumulonimbus, along with the dust billowing up off the floor, nobody in the Park had any idea what was happening.

"Does he always break doors that annoy him?" I asked no one in particular.

Zoro sighed. "No, but he came close to snapping _Merry's_ stern by accident once…"

I rubbed my arm, taking a step back. "Please remind me to never bring wooden objects around him. Or anything breakable, really."

"Doesn't matter if it's around him or not," Usopp said, his eye twitching. "He'll end up breaking it by chance anyway."

"What!? How!?"

My pocket rumbled. Jumping in shock, I stuck my hand in it and pulled out… my iPod, which had one new email on it. The sender was some AllSeeingAuthor yahoo… _Shit._

 _You shouldn't ask that,_ the message read. _It's a Thing Man Was Not Meant to Know_.

Appropriately horrified, I shivered and slipped my iPod back in my pocket. Luckily, no one had noticed the Apple device. Otherwise, I might have had some awkward explaining to do.

"Which one of you is Arlong?" snarled Luffy, pulling me back to reality.

The fishmen, who had finally noticed the straw hatted pirate due to the dust settling, stopped running amok with confusion and stared. They mumbled amongst themselves, probably spreading racist remarks about humans. Granted, many of those remarks were likely true about this world's breed of humanity, but still. Yeesh.

One of the bigger fishmen in the Park, reclining in an equally large lawn-chair, regarded my captain with a calm fury.

"Arlong?" he repeated, his eyes narrowing. "That would be my name. What the hell are you?"

"Monkey D. Luffy, pirate."

"And what business do you, a pirate, have with me?"

The brown-haired teen cracked his knuckles, glowering at the boss of Arlong Park. "You made Nami cry, so I'm gonna kick your ass." Although there was no rain as of yet, thunder rumbled across the sky, punctuating his words.

Arlong narrowed his eyes. "You… you're the ones who took down Nezumi, aren't you?"

Luffy nodded. "Yep."

I swallowed nervously. This couldn't be good. How did he know about my fight with the Marine captain? Intelligence in this world couldn't be _that_ fast, could it?

Arlong, an imposing, inhuman figure against the white lawn-chair, glared with a calm fury at us Straw Hats. I tried not to be afraid of his half-fish body. I really did. But the fins, the blue skin, the scales running up and down his arms, made that impossible. Something deep within me, something I couldn't quite repress, was disgusted at this, unimaginably disturbed. I cringed at the sight of Arlong, my nerves on edge.

"You can't even imagine what you have cost me," growled Arlong, bearing his sharp teeth. "Nezumi is a moron, but what he supplied me with was incalculable. For this transgression, you humans must DIE!"

Arlong picked himself up off the lawn chair, and my jaw dropped. He was _huge_. He stood at least twice as tall as me, and I was 5 ft 9. His body was also rippled with muscle, his skin bulged out in some places like a pro wrestler. His anger was tangible, his scowl terrifying. With his webbed feet and hands, Arlong swept over to the pool, knelt and cupped some water in his hands, then _threw_ it.

"WATER SHOT: HURRICANE!"

When I say Arlong threw the water, I mean he blasted it out of his hands like a gun. The droplets ripped through the air, slamming into all five of us with incredible force. Zoro howled, dropping to one knee and clutching his shoulder. Sanji bit back a scream as he, too, fell to one knee. Usopp spun around and face-planted backwards with the sheer force of the watery bullets, and I gasped in pain as what felt like a very small fist punched into my stomach with the strength of an elephant. Nami, Johnny, Yosaku, and the Cocoyashi Villagers, who watched at a safe distance, were spared.

However, neither Luffy nor I fell. For some reason, it only felt to me as though I'd been punched. No blood spurted from small bullet-wounds, unlike what had happened to the other three Straw Hats. I remained standing, if not a little a winded. Luffy had been completely unaffected, his rubbery body stretching back with the trajectory of the water, and firing forward again like it would if he'd been shot normally.

Arlong stared in shock. "What!? How are you two still standing!?"

"I ate the Gum-Gum Fruit," Luffy supplied without a care. He grabbed the side of his mouth and pulled outwards, stretching it at least three feet. "I'm a rubberman."

But for me, it was actually a very good question. How _had_ I remained standing after that, and without the water puncturing my skin? I was just a normal kid with a normal body. I didn't even have Usopp's running speed/stamina, much less any sort of physical defense.

Knowing this, my brain settled on the only logical explanation, which ironically came from an incredibly illogical source: Devil Fruits.

Grinning, I pointed to myself smugly. "As for me, I ate the Tempest-Tempest Fruit and became a waterman."

Arlong's beady fish eyes were shadowed as he glowered at us. "Alright, then. Fonti. Kill these _humans_." He said 'humans' as though it were gum he'd sat on before trying to ask a girl out on a date.

"Yes, Arlong-sama," said one of the weird members of the Fishman race, and I blinked as an unfamiliar face stepped forward. He wore a white shirt with red, curved patterns stenciled into it. His Arlong Pirates tattoo peeked out from underneath his open shirt, along with his twelve-pack - - no, not six-pack, _twelve-pack!_ It was like his entire body was pure muscle! I think even Zoro was a little jealous of the dude's obvious unbelievably strict training program. His dark hair was short like a crew cut, except a little pinch of it stuck up in the very middle of the front. He had outrageous lips and pale, yellowy skin, like aged papyrus.

While Luffy and I gaped at his muscle, and the other Straw Hats worked on picking themselves up off the ground, Fonti crossed the cement floor of Arlong Park, cracking his knuckles. Before we could quite react, he was already before us. Growling, he drew his fist back, paused a moment, then shot it forward.

"One-Thousand Sea Drill!" roared Fonti, and his fist slammed into Luffy's stomach, causing the rubber pirate to stumble backwards a step or two, coughing.

Luffy looked up with shocked eyes. "What the - - I didn't feel the punch, but it still hurt me!"

"Fishman Karate…" I gasped, my jaw dropping. "I didn't think it would be able to hurt a rubberman, but it must be because of the water manipulation involved! The force of the punch itself doesn't actually hurt you, but the energy transferred through the water within your body does!"

Fonti looked fairly impressed despite himself. "A human who understands our great fighting technique, unique to our species?" He smirked. "I never thought I'd see the day. Sadly, that will be the last sentence you ever speak, for this will be the day you draw your last breath! Hurricane Kick!"

His scaly body twisting, Fonti spun on his foot like a ballerina doing a pirouette, except without the raised arms. Upon doing a nearly complete 360, his foot lashed out at me. I tried to block, channeling my five years of karate that I had taken back home into a downwards block with my left hand; but it was useless. Fonti's attack sped past my defense and struck me in the stomach. I choked, the air blasting out of my lungs, and I felt my body lift off the ground. I landed several feet behind me, causing Nami to leap out of the way in shock.

"E-Evan!" cried Usopp in horror, who clutched his hurt side.

Sanji narrowed his eyes. "That's a powerful kick… Think he'll be alright after that?"

Zoro shrugged. "I haven't seen him fight yet," he muttered, though he looked slightly concerned. "Can't say."

Facedown in the ground, eating dirt, my body shook with the backlash of the kick. Pain riddled my stomach where he'd hit… but strangely, I hadn't felt as though I'd been hit by anything stronger than a really powerful kick. I hadn't noticed anything that would make the attack abnormal, like I'd been expecting with a Fishmen Karate technique. I had thought I'd be able to feel it ripple through my body, but as far as I could tell, it had only affected the area it had struck.

"What the…" I gagged, scrambling to my feet. It may have hurt me _bad_ , but I'd actually suffered worse punches _and_ kicks in my various karate tournaments. I wheeled back around and glared at the Fishman. "Don't scare a guy like that, bastard! I thought you'd actually used a Fishmen Karate technique!"

Zoro's jaw dropped.

Sanji's jaw dropped like a sack of potatoes.

Usopp's jaw dropped like he was trying to catch a fly, and his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

But the most shocked of all the observers was Fonti himself, who looked so far beyond disbelief I couldn't help but have to bite my lip to stop from laughing. "W-What… how… you look like a breath could blow you over… how did you survive my Fishman Karate!?"

I blinked.

Stared at him.

A few awkward seconds passed. "Er… come again? You said that was Fishman Karate?"

He nodded numbly, too shocked for words. Even Arlong looked impressed, and _that_ was really saying something.

My head felt a little woozy. "Um… okay, I got nothing."

Fonti gritted his teeth. "D-Damn it!" he cursed, clenching his webbed hands even tighter. "It must've just been a fluke! One-Thousand Sea Drill!" Just like with Luffy, his hand barreled into my already-hurt stomach, and I was thrown stumbling back several feet, teetering and nearly falling over before finding my balance. But despite the epic force behind the strike, it still felt normal, no weird, otherworldly bullshit about it.

I stared down at my body in awe. "Just what the hell…"

"Fonti!" growled Chew, the long-mouthed smelt-whiting Arlong executive. "Just what the hell are you doing, playing around with this human? Beat his face in already and get it over with!"

"You know I don't play around, Chew!" Fonti snapped. "We Siamese fighting Fishman _don't play around!_ My attacks just aren't working on him!"

My mind swam. He was right, I realized. His fighting style, which could even work against someone like Luffy, did jackshit to me outside of normal punching and kicking. I might be the only Straw Hat able to take on Fonti successfully. I was essentially his natural enemy… and - - once again - - the only logical reason could be my so-called Tempest-Tempest Fruit. It must protect me from _all_ water-based attacks, on top of giving me control over water.

Already mostly recovered from his punch, I turned tail and dashed out of Arlong Park, causing everyone to face-fault. Luffy, looking back, raised his eyebrow and smiled. Nami and the villagers seemed surprised at my action, and Sanji and Zoro watched with narrowed eyes. Usopp, for one, nodded in complete understanding. Or at least, as much as his cowardly self could.

"Bastard!" shouted Fonti behind me, and although I couldn't tell what his expression was, I imagined the most exquisite pissed-off scowl. "Get back here so I can beat you to a bloody pulp!"

"You'll have to catch me first!" I sang mockingly, pissing my opponent off even further.

"GRKGHHG! YOU LITTLE - -"

"Fonti!" It was Arlong's snarling voice, able to be clearly heard despite the very thick wall that now stood between him and me. "Chase that _human_ down and kill him with every ounce of your power! Show him the terror of the Fishman race!"

"Of course, Arlong-sama!" exclaimed Fonti, and the sound of webbed feet squashing the ground behind me reached my ears.

Unseen by the Fishman, I smirked to myself. He'd taken the bait.

The sounds of Arlong Park faded as I ran farther and farther away from the pirate base, although it was still easily within my sights. The classic Oriental-style tower that Arlong called home rose up above the wall and the marsh that blocked me from the Park. Fonti, close on my heels, splashed through the shallow marshes and came to a stop as I slowed down, turned around, and did the same.

"Damn, who is this Fonti guy, though?" I groaned, trying to regain my breath.

My iPod buzzed again, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Scowling, I reached into my pocket, wondering what it was this time - - and the sight of another message from another certain immortal made my blood boil. That bastard again! Grumbling under my breath about jackass gods, I examined the message.

 _AllSeeingAuthor gmail_ : **Fonti here was actually in the original story. He just never got more than three seconds of screentime because of Luffy's entirely unorthodox Gum-Gum Pinwheel attack. In reality, he's one of Arlong's lieutenants, and fairly reliable, too.**

With that information, I slipped my iPod back into my leather jacket.

Oh, just great. I got to fight a lieutenant of the Arlong Pirates! Lucky me!

I was slightly out of breath, but my opponent looked fairly winded; more annoyed than anything, really. The Siamese fighting Fishman looked mad enough for steam to blow out of his ears. His face, despite being yellow-skinned and covered in patches of scales, slowly turned red as his body shook with rage.

"You!" he exploded at last, pointing at me with one webbed finger. "You dare insult my status as a loyal member of the Fishman Pirates by negating my Fishman Karate!? You will die for these transgressions!"

Remembering what I'd been taught years ago in my dojo, I slid back into a fighting stance, bouncing lightly on my feet. Through shallow breath, I said, "Yeah, well, you know what it means that you can't beat a lowly human like myself? That just means you're _weak_."

"DAMMIT!" roared Fonti, and I swore I could hear veins pop in his cheeks. "That DOES IT! You're DEAD MEAT!" He dashed forward across a small pool of water that stood between us, rushing at me with a closed fist. "MISSISSIPPI PIKE!" he called, and I leaned out of the way just in time to feel the wind blow my short, brown hair back. Sweat rolled down my face. That had been _too_ close.

"My turn!" I cried, lifting my hands and concentrating on all the marshes around us. Memories of my favorite all-star fighting game came to mind, and thinking quickly, I decided upon a name. "CRAZY HAND!"

Water from several pools lifted out of the water, first in drops, then converging to form a massive giant's hand that shook crazily. It looked like the hand of some insane, invisible being.

"MASTER HAND!"

Following the first hand, an even larger bodily instrument rose out of the remaining marshes, combining to form an even more imposing figure than the first. It was a massive, blue composition of pure bullshit, hanging above and behind Fonti in midair alongside its brother. I clapped my own hands together, and the oversized, watery copies did the same.

Fonti spun on his heel, staring at the the manipulated water above him like it was the Devil's work. Which, I suppose, in a way it was.

"What the hell!?" he gasped.

"Didn't I tell you already?" I asked with a smirk. "I'm a waterman. I can control water, and am immune to all water-based attacks. Now then… Super Hand Brothers SMASH!"

With a shout of victory, I jerked my arm back and locked it momentarily at my waist. Then I pounded forward, turning my arm as I did so, in the proper punching method I'd learned at my dojo. The right golem, Crazy Hand, did the same, barreling forward at Fonti like a giant's fist. I smirked, sure my opponent was done for; if I was right, the hand would be as hard and tough as an actual fist, and do even more damage due to its size and mass. Following up quickly just in case, I immediately drew my left fist back and snapped a punch forward with it as well. Master Hand followed suit, except in the opposite direction.

But it appeared that I wasn't the only one with tricks under my sleeve. Fonti dropped into a horse stance, opening his webbed hand up into a flat-palmed position. He waited for a moment, tensing his muscles. Then he snapped it forward, smacking it against Crazy Hand's knuckles.

"Fishman Karate special technique!" he said as the massive hand burst apart and the water fell to the ground. "Empty-Handed Vagabond Drill!" He repeated the same thing, except striking Master Hand this time, shouting, "And once more!"

The Fishman turned to me, regarding me in a new light. "I've never seen a human who could manipulate water before," he mused, narrowing his eyes. "What is your name, pirate? I wish to learn the title of the man I am about to kill, so that I may remember what is sure to be a good fight."

Now it was my turn to be surprised. _He thinks this is a good fight? ...Huh. And here I've been thinking it was pretty one-sided._

Smiling nonetheless, I raised arms to the ready position. "My name? It's Evan Johnson, Straw Hat Pirate. You can call me Evan. However, there's one part of that statement which you're wrong about, Fonti."

The pirate narrowed his eyes. "What's that?"

"You see, today's not the day of my death. That won't come for a long time yet, because there's still a lot I plan to do in this world." Memories of the manga and anime flashed by my mind: memories of darkness; of a woman trapped by her own past; of an enormous, rotund figure breaking up a family; and, most horrible of all, memories of Luffy crying in the middle of a bloody battlefield.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, then glared at Fonti. "There's too much I want to change for you to kill me here!" I exclaimed, pointing furiously at the yellow-skinned Fishman. "I aim to make the world better, more fair, for everyone who lives on it. I wish to see a world where everyone is equal, and that can't happen unless I defeat you here and now!"

My opponent's eyes narrowed. "A better world? A fair world? Equality!?"

"That's right," I said. I lowered my hand and let it drop back into my stance. "What about it?"

"Well, Evan… I'm afraid that those dreams of yours…" Suddenly I lost track of Fonti momentarily, and I realized with a start he was directly to my left, his fist barreling through the air in a direct collision course with my face. "ARE IMPOSSIBLE! ONE-THOUSAND SEA FIST!"

 _WHAM!_

My head felt likely to pop right off my neck with the sheer force of the punch. The Fishman Karate may not have hurt me, but a force like that to my head _definitely_ did. Howling, I was flung to the side, smashing into the ground and half bouncing, half rolling into a marsh. Immediately, I felt all the strength and will leave my body, escaping as air escapes an open balloon. I fell lifeless, unable to find the ability to lift so much as my pinky finger, and panic sunk in. Fonti, smirking, stomped over to me, a twenty-foot statue looming over an ant. In desperation, I threw my concentration out to the water around me, attempting to force it to vacate the premises so I could move again. But my powers had abandoned me. I was unable to successfully command even the smallest drop of the marsh, and with terror, I realized that I might actually die here, despite my big talking.

 _I'm like an ant in a giant's kingdom,_ I thought, horror settling in over the panic and chilling my blood. Fonti took a deep breath and once again dropped into a horse stance, no doubt preparing himself for another Fishman Karate attack. _I'm an ant trying to lay siege on a giant's kingdom. I thought that with my powers, and my minimal experience in martial arts, I would have an edge…_

"Fishman Karate…" Fonti closed his eyes and curled his webbed, yellow hand into a tight fist. "RIPTIDE RUSH!"

Punches rained down on me, smashing into every corner of my body. I howled in agony, pain thrashing my very being, and after only three more strikes, I saw white. I heard nothing; felt nothing. My body did not move.

::FONTI::

"It's a pity Devil Fruits all have the same weakness," said Fonti, staring at the unconscious body below him with something akin to shame. "I've never heard a human talk so passionately about equality before. It's something… my people never thought possible. I would have liked to see you surpass me. At least then… I might have had some hope for a better future myself."

Frowning, Fonti relaxed his muscles, and let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. After a few seconds of thinking, he felt it was only right to drag his opponent out of the water in which he was nearly drowning. He may have been a part of Arlong's crew, after all, but not all of them liked killing, despite what they might say. Fonti was one of them, and regardless, Evan's words had struck a cord within the Fishman. After that speech, he'd gained at least some respect for the human teenager, and respect was something Fonti regarded as the most important aspect of the world.

He grasped Evan around the shoulders with his webbed hands, grunting as he pulled the dead weight out of the water. He'd always thought before that Hammers were given their nickname due to their complete lack of ability to move in water; but it seemed that they also somehow became as heavy as the object they were named after. When at last Evan's feet left the marsh, Fonti laid him back in the muddy ground, clapping his hands clean.

"In better circumstances," he muttered, looking almost sadly at his fallen opponent, "I may have liked to share a drink with you."

Having said this, he turned, and began making his way back to his home.

He did not turn back.

However, it may have been better for him if he had.

::EVAN::

"Sorry," I said, standing up so shakily I could barely hold myself straight. "But it appears that God didn't want us to be friends." My legs felt as though someone had turned them into noodles (I hoped no one in this insane world had such a power) and my eyesight was filled with pain-induced tears. But I glared at Fonti's back with a ferocity I had never felt before. Adrenaline, the one thing I had retained when I had fallen into the marsh, filled my body, coursing through my veins, awakening hidden reserves of strength I hadn't even known I'd had. I could still feel the throbbing pain of every single punch, and a normal person wouldn't have been able to move from it. However, I was no longer normal, and neither was I moving normally.

Holding myself up was not my muscles, but rather, the _water_ in 60% of my body.

Water streamed out of the marshes as, gaining distance ahead of me, Fonti continued to walk, unaware of his doom. Growling at the thought of him putting me through all this pain, I decided to give into the feral side that lives within every human being, and let one instinct through: the desire for _revenge_.

Almost directly behind, my enemy, a single, watery fist formed, casting a strange, flickery sort of shadow down on him as the sun shone through it. Fonti paused, perhaps noticing the shadow and wondering what had caused it. I drew my right hand back far out, and the hand-golem reiterated the movements. Fonti began to turn to look over his left shoulder, and, noticing the giant hand at last, panic flashed in his eyes.

"It's a good thing ants can withstand pressures up to five thousand times their own weight," I said through a burst of pain, commanding the water within me to swipe my hand across the air in front of me. "NOW MASTER HAND… PIMP SLAP!"

 _WHAP!_

Fonti had no time to dodge or block. Instead, the full weight and force of my hastily made attack bore down on him, broke on him, and swept over him like a tsunami. He howled in pain as he tumbled across mud and marsh, finally skidding to a stop several feet away, blood seeping down the left side of his head, out cold.

I panted heavily, adrenaline leaving me as I crumpled to the earth in triumph. One does not normally fall triumphantly, but I felt that with this sudden table turning, my action deserved that description.

"Ow," I said, and that pretty much summed up how I felt. "Fighting really sucks. Winning feels pretty great, though. And I cleared the path for Luffy and the others…" My chest heaved, causing bursts of pain to flare up in my body. I grunted. "Yowch. I think I cracked a rib or two, though… I need to see a doctor. Shit."

For some reason, the thought made me laugh, even though my hurt rib ached with the laughter. Here I was, hurt so bad I was almost pissing my pants, having just undergone two near death experiences in less than three hours, yet feeling unbelievably euphoric; and the only thing I'd been worrying about this afternoon had been how long I'd be grounded for. Something about it was just so inexplicably amusing that I laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

My iPod buzzed.

"Oh, for Oda's sake, what is it now?" I snapped, ripping the Apple device out of my jacket pocket.

 _AllSeeingAuthor yahoo:_ **Try laughing harder. I think there are still some undisturbed children on the side of the road.**

For several minutes, I sat glaring at my iPod, unmoving. Then I tossed it to the ground, raised my head, and swore at my unfortunate luck in hosts hard enough to make Nami proud.

...Say, just when had I gotten access to my iPod, anyway? And was I able to access the Internet in this world?

…

…

Falling unconscious could wait for a little bit.

* * *

 **Post Note:** Evan mentions here that he has taken five years of karate. This is true for me as well. I actually made it all the way up to a purple belt (only a few ranks below black) before I got bored and quit, and I participated in several tournaments for my dojo, too. Have you ever tried to fight a kid greatly skilled in Tae Kwon Do with only a few years of knowledge of karate under your belt? It's _freaking hard_. I also trained with various weapons while I did karate, which will come up in the near future as a minor plot point.

Also, Fonti's strength here may seem to change a bit. It doesn't. It's simply that Evan's defenses are that bad, especially in critical areas like his head. Also, Fonti has trained hard enough to get freaking _twelve-pack_. That's definitely enough to send someone flying with a single punch, even without his Fishman Karate working properly.

 **Things edited out of this chapter:**

 **Evan:** *bringing pointer finger to the tip of his thumb, extending other three fingers* "I respect all fishmen."


	6. When You See it, You'll Shit Bricks

**A/N : **Here it is, folks - - another ridiculously long chapter of the budding One Piece SI. This one was a hell of a doozy, but really fun to write. I could not stop grinning throughout the entire chapter, knowing that there is a _hell_ of a plot twist at the end. This is definitely going to be a chapter to remember, I think. It also provides a lot of good characterization and just all around fun, I think. My favorite character to write in this is the All-Seeing Author, simply because he's just so gleefully insane. Think of the most sarcastic dialogue you can, and that's pretty much him.

Sadly, I do not own the rights to _One Piece_. I don't even own this fic, really, since it falls under the _One Piece_ category and Eiichiro Oda claims all rights to the series and its characters, plot, and locations. I may sue on account of him indirectly stealing the rights to my story - -

 _All-Seeing-Author (a) gmail com: **GET ON WITH IT!**_

* * *

Chapter 6: Rise of the Chronicler! The Second Bounty Poster

Allow me to ask one question: What random omnipotent being worth his salt, who throws a normal person into a different world, doesn't provide his victim's portable smart device with unlimited Internet? Don't get me wrong, I greatly approved of the eternal battery, but no Internet? What was even the point of having my iPod anyway, if I couldn't access the damn Internet!?

I swore creatively, tossing the stupid device through the air like I was trying to pitch a fastball. It splashed into the mud, nearly twenty feet away, around the various marshes, into which it immediately began sinking. I blinked, and then panicked. I scrambled up to my feet, defying my battle-induced agony in favor of dashing as fast as possible to where my iPod was slowly slipping under the mud, swept it back up, and with haste, wiped my sleeve roughly across the screen.

"Does it still work? Does it still work!?" I gasped, pressing the power button.

The screen flicked alive, and I sighed with relief. _It's working_.

It buzzed, and an email popped up on the screen: _Rude. I mean, this iPod isn't_ actually _me, but still. Triggered!_

"No you're not," I deadpanned, and slipped the iPod back into my pocket.

My existential crisis averted, I slipped my partly-cleaned, yet still Internet-less, iPod ( _definitely_ not salty about that, no sir, no way) into the left chest pocket of my leather jacket and snapped the pocket's flap shut. Then I groaned; every single movement hurt like a bitch, even after having waited at least fifteen minutes for the pain to subside. At least I could actually move without using my powers again - - and hadn't _that_ been something? I'd honestly not expected that to work. It had been something I'd been considering incorporating into my old fanfiction, but I hadn't even meant to use it myself. I wasn't even quite sure _how_ I'd done it. I supposed it was a sort of instinctual thing - - but now that it was confirmed I could control my body at will, no matter what, a _lot_ of possibilities were opened.

Aching with the effort of moving, I stretched and started moving my ass back to Arlong Park.

Every step hurt like the 2016 Presidential election

At last I managed to come upon the crowd of villagers who had gathered to watch the battle in the Park, and upon noticing me, they parted to let me through. I could feel their eyes on my bruises, which were all over my body and face. I laughed in a tough-guy manner, but regretted doing so immediately. It made my ribs ache. Nami stared as I walked past her. I had almost entered Arlong Park when a hand on my shoulder stopped me, and I glanced over it to see the redhead's concerned eyes.

"D-Did you win against Fonti?" she asked, shifting awkwardly. Her hand dropped from my shoulder.

I grinned and gave a thumbs-up. "You better believe it! _Man_ , did he hit hard though… Anyway, what's been happening here?"

She bit her lip and glanced to the side. "Luffy, the moron, got himself stuck in cement, and Arlong threw him in the water. We've got Genzo doing everything he can to keep him alive until someone can break the cement and free Luffy, but Sanji and Zoro are still having trouble in their fights, and Usopp only just returned a minute ago- -"

"Wait, what!?" I exclaimed, my jaw dropping. It was that far into the fight already? And hadn't Usopp finished his battle last in canon? Well, anyway, I didn't have time to - -

" _YOU_."

A chilling voice directly behind me froze my brain in its tracks. Nami's eyes widened, and she took a hesitant step backward, her gaze moving past me. Shaking, I turned slowly on a dime, deathly afraid of what I would find behind me. And sure enough, towering over me, glowering at me with all the rage of an angry shark, stood Arlong himself. His blue face was twisted in a scowl, looking like he wanted to take his jagged nose and impale my skull with it.

I definitely did _not_ squeal in fright.

"Your presence here can only mean one thing: You defeated one of my dear brothers. _You killed Fonti_."

...Shit.

Hastily, I waved my arms in front of my chest in denial, shaking my head in terror. "N-n-no, no way, I wouldn't ever k-kill anyone! Fonti's not dead, he's only unconscious, so - -"

"Oi, leave Evan alone! He's not your opponent!" growled Zoro from somewhere in front of us, followed by the clash of swords against swords, and I glanced around Arlong to see Hatchan blocking Zoro from attacking the racist pirate captain.

"Nyuuuu!" Hatchan exclaimed furiously. "I won't let you hurt Arlong-san!"

Arlong's vein pulsed, and his webbed fist clenched and unclenched. "Whether you killed him doesn't matter - - the fact that you still defeated my kin is something punishable by death!" With that, he swiped at me, but definitely not with a squeak, I ducked under his arm and rolled between his legs, scrambling to my feet. Arlong whirled around, but I was already hauling ass to safety… by means of leaping onto the rectangular pool of water that partially divided Arlong Park down the middle.

Yes, _onto_. I used my ability to walk on water to refrain from falling under, keeping my concentration on the water below my feet. For a moment, Arlong regarded me with surprise, probably having never imagined a human could walk on water. Hell, _I_ had never imagined it possible (okay, there was Brook, but cut me some slack here; until a few hours ago, I'd thought One Piece was just an anime/manga) until I ate the Tempest-Tempest Fruit.

Ripples of shock washed over the villagers. I could feel their shocked stares from outside the gate to the Park. It kind of made the whole thing awkward; in normal circumstances, I wasn't often one to be the center of attention. Yet my unexpected ability had made me as such, without my having wanted it to.

However, Arlong was not stupefied for long.

"You think you can beat me in the water, boy?" he snarled, baring his shark teeth as he glared straight into my eyes. "You made the wrong choice. I'm a _fishman_! It's natural for us to become even stronger in water than we are on land!"

...Okay, so I _may_ have forgotten that little tidbit of information.

My face paled as he jumped in the water and swam deep enough down that I couldn't see him anymore. The sounds of Sanji's and Zoro's tooth-and-nail fights rose up, along with the occasional miniature explosion as Usopp shot down any mooks who tried to regain consciousness with prompt Explosion Stars. What was I supposed to do? My mind raced back to my history of writing characters with water powers. Perhaps I could feel where Arlong was in the water, so I could dodge his Shark-On Darts? I was fairly certain that would be the move he went with, at any rate, and any help I could have to _not_ become a shish-kebab would be much appreciated.

I squinted, looking down at the water below me, trying to sense Arlong's movements.

A moment passed, and I felt no different. I had received no forethought from the water on where my opponent might be attacking from. I had no idea whether he was to my left, several feet behind me, or directly underneath me.

 _Well, that ability can be scratched off the list then_ , I thought, paling even more.

Crap, what do I do?

Um, um, um - -

A distorted rumble of "Shark-On Darts!" jumbled through the water, and I nearly fell in the pool from the shock, Cursing the All-Seeing Author, I sent a random thought to the water, and felt myself lift up into the air. The water beneath my feet blasted into two forceful coils trailing from the bottom of my shoes, propelling me several meters into the air. It wasn't a moment too soon, either; at almost the exact time I did so, Arlong's sawblade of a nose punched out into the air, quickly followed by the rest of his scale-covered body. Like a torpedo, he blasted into the sky, and I cleared his attack by a disturbingly narrow couple of inches. As I shook from the closeness, the water coils continued to propel me higher before at last dissipating, breaking and falling back to the pool in droplets.

I had a lucky break for once. At my current position, I may have fallen into the cement had it not been for the force of my sudden escape tactic. As it was, I tumbled through the sky to the second section of the pagoda, slamming into the red tiles with enough force to knock the wind clear out of my lungs.

"Ouch," I choked, clutching my aching ribs. As if my body wasn't sore enough already - - I'd have to get myself checked out at the local doctor's for sure, once everything was over.

I looked over my shoulder to see what was happening below my perch.

Arlong appeared to have slammed, nose-first, into the right half of the wall between Arlong Park and the coast. It was a quite amusing sight, but I didn't have time to spare to laugh at the pirate captain. This guy was, without a doubt, bad news, and at my current state, there was no way I could take him on. The only reason I'd been able to survive his first special move was because of shounen clichés, and I couldn't rely on having the reaction time to escape the next unscathed.

How could I best escape Arlong?

My eyes strayed to the very breakable-looking windows that opened out onto the slanted tile roof I stood upon.

Breaking and entering was a crime, but… _pirate~_!

Grinning, I summoned a quick watery pistol from the pool below, and commanded it to press flush with the glass. My aim thus ensured to be true, I mentally fired it, and the window shattered into a million tiny pieces. I again heard shouts of exclamation from Conomi Island's populace, but I ignored them, leaping through the punctured window after again drawing water from the pool to wash away any stray bits of harmful glass on the floor.

I found myself in a room with two bunkbeds, a couple of nightstands, a bookshelf shoved against the back wall, a desk, and a green, oval rug in the center. I supposed it was a bedroom for some of the mooks; they had to have a place to sleep, after all. Blinking, I started to head for the door in the back, but froze when I heard the sound of something heavy landing on the section of pagoda I had just left.

"HUMAN!" Arlong bellowed with unbridled fury, and my blood chilled. "YOU CAN'T RUN FOR MUCH LONGER!"

I didn't waste time looking back, and bolted for the door, leaving it swinging open as I tore through it. It didn't matter whether I closed it again, after all; I'd already broken the window, so he'd know which room I entered.

 _Alright, now how to shake him off?_ I wondered, outside the room in a hallway with a staircase leading down and turning, presumably going all the way to the ground floor. On the other side, it rose up and did a sharp 180; I couldn't tell, but assumed it also went all the way up to the top. I took a quick moment to consider my options. _It would be safer to go ahead and choose the method that lets me escape the confines of this building… but Arlong might anticipate that, and I_ do _have a bit of headway on him, so he'll have to guess which way I went…_

Making up my mind, I dashed up the stairs, hitting the turn just as Arlong appeared through the door. I'd made it out in time. I froze, listening for his movements; he seemed hesitant, but after a moment, his footsteps started up, getting fainter with each footfall. I allowed myself a breath of relief. My gamble had paid off.

At the same time, though, now I couldn't go back down without him seeing me.

...Crap. Didn't think that one through. Now what?

My iPod buzzed. Allowing the All-Seeing Author a quick curse, I slipped it from my leather jacket pocket and powered it on, glaring at the email from him that appeared on the screen:

 _Nice moves. Say, how close do you think that wall is to the pagoda?_

The wall…?

…!

"Lightbulb!" I drawled in the voice of Gru, a small grin turning up my lips for both having a proper reason to use the reference and coming up with an escape route.

I ran back the way I'd come, wincing. Even my muscles' aches had aches. I vaulted myself over the windowsill, landing back out on the slanted roof section, and headed off to the left. The roof, in the classical Japanese style, wrapped around all four walls of the tall building, providing me with an easy path to the back wall. I sidled down carefully, so as not to fall and cause myself even _more_ damage. Peering over the gutter, I was pleased to see the protective wall that ran around the entirety of the base also happened to fall close enough to the roof's edge that one could feasibly hang from said roof, and drop onto the wall without any trouble.

"Alright, ASA," I laughed, grinning in spite of myself, "I've gotta give it to ya. I never would've thought of this."

Turning, I maneuvered myself so that, after a few seconds of work, I was hanging off the edge of the roof by only my hands. My legs almost touched the wall. I released the gutter, and only fell a couple inches before my soles hit the cement.

"Perfect!" I said with a pleased nod.

So, then, now I was out of Arlong Park - - but that left us no closer to defeating Arlong. Luffy, still stuck in the water, couldn't do any fighting unless his cement weight was broken. How could I fix things so that we were back on track? With the new limitation on my power I'd just discovered, I assumed that I could not control water unless I could see it, or was able to concentrate on it specifically. Theoretically, I could smash the cement block holding down Luffy with my powers, but I would have to know exactly where it was It was unfortunate, but having a Devil Fruit meant that I couldn't swim down to Luffy and see where he was myself, and Zoro and Sanji were still locked in their respective duels.

That left one obvious choice.

Nodding to myself, I ran across the wall to the entrance of Arlong Park.

If this didn't work, nothing would.

::NOJIKO::

Nojiko had never been one for idleness. Her entire life, even under Arlong's rule, she'd hidden various weapons away in secret, training with them when no one could see her and biding her time for the day when she could take down the terrible Fishman. She'd become an all-around fighter, skilled with guns, swords, daggers, spears, even javelin throwing. Not a soul in Cocoyashi Village knew of her lone training save for Genzo, who sometimes helped her out when she was starting a new weapon. She'd gotten remarkable at close-quarters combat, given that she had some kind of tool in her hands; karate and other forms of martial arts were still a mystery to her.

Therefore, standing in the crowd like a helpless little girl, forced to watch as total strangers risked their lives for the sake of a single person - - her sister, no less! - - Nojiko's entire body shook with the _wrongness_ of it all.

She wanted to be in Arlong Park, fighting alongside the mossy haired man and his blond friend against Hatchan and Kuroobi. She wanted to help Usopp snipe the various lesser members of the crew whenever they began stumbling to their feet. The young woman wanted to help the brown-haired teen safely escape Arlong's spiteful attack. And yet… Nojiko could do nothing but watch.

It was all so damn _infuriating_.

And so, when a leather jacketed man popped up on the wall right beside the villagers, while her friends gaped and backed away, Nojiko stepped forward.

"You're the guy who beat Fonti," she said, Nami alongside her nodding.

Her sister tilted her head. "I think you said your name was… Evan, right?"

"Got it in one," he confirmed, grinning. His gaze fell serious again, and he lowered himself off the wall, landing lightly on the grass. Evan winced; his wounds from his fight must've been hurting him something fierce. "Noj - - Er, you there, with the purple hair."

Nojiko blinked. "My hair's not purple, it's blue… and my name's Nojiko, by the way."

"Oh." Evan frowned, a sweatdrop rolling down the back of his head. "I coulda sworn it was purple… well, anyway, Nojiko, I have something I need you to do for me. It's vital for this battle to go well. Think you can handle it?"

The blue-haired woman perked up. Was this her chance to finally contribute something for these brave people? "Of course I can," she said with sincerity, clenching her hand into a fist. "Just tell me what it is you need me to do, and I'll do it."

The boy grinned. "Perfect! Then can you lead me to where Luffy fell into the water, swim down to him, surface above where he is, and tell me how far down the sea floor is there?"

Not expecting that, Nojiko stared a little. "Uh… yeah, but… why is that so vital?"

"I need to know exactly where Luffy is in the bay," Evan explained, walking up to her and holding out his arm for her to shake, "and it's unfortunate, but if I tried to swim to my captain, I'd drown myself. So I need you to do it for me."

It seemed to be a rather small task, but Nami's sister was ready for anything. She shook Evan's hand tightly, giving him a small grin. He was cute in a soft kind of way; he certainly wasn't bad-looking, but at the same time, he had something between a baby-face and a man's face. His eyes were determined, though, and his confidence was firm enough.

"Come with me," she said with a jab of her thumb to the bay. "Your captain's this way."

The pair ran past the wall, skirting around the mob of villagers so Arlong, who was storming around the pagoda's perimeter searching for Evan, wouldn't see him. Their feet pounded into the grass as they came upon the shore, and finally the grass turned into red rock. Nojiko and Evan turned around the outside corner of the wall and arrived at the edge of the pool which flowed into Arlong Park. Rocks here slanted from the sea to the wall of the Park, placed in a haphazard manner so that one might trip over a random boulder if one wasn't careful. Out in the middle of the bay, Genzo was treading water, holding Luffy's head above the waves so he could breathe.

"Ohhh, I forgot about that," Nojiko thought she heard Evan mumble, but it was quiet enough that she could've been mistaken. "Hey, Nojiko," he said, louder this time, "Luffy's body should be stretched out to the cement block. Follow it down there; that should make the job much easier."

"Roger." Nojiko turned to Evan, who met her eyes as she said, "Wait here a minute."

She proceeded to strip off her shirt, making Evan's eyes nearly pop out of his head. The poor guy's face flushed deeper than a strawberry, and she allowed herself a small chuckle at his expense. He was pretty fun to mess with!

"W-W-Why are you taking off your clothes when I'm right here!?" he exclaimed, scandalized, turning on a dime to face the other direction. He shifted around awkwardly, his hands in his jeans pockets, and Nojiko giggled at his reaction.

"Don't be stupid, I've still got my bra on," she pointed out, grinning. "Besides, I'm not taking my pants off, either. I only pulled my shirt off so it wouldn't weigh me down in the sea."

"...Makes sense," he admitted after a moment. He still sounded frazzled, though. "J-Just get into the water, already…"

 _Nami certainly made some good friends on that last trip of hers,_ she thought, diving into the ocean.

She swam out to where Genzo was treading water.

"Didja come to take over the shift?" he asked playfully.

Nojiko rolled her eyes. "No, Genzo, not now. I'm actually helping Evan over there free his captain. Continue holding his head up, please; we'll need him to still be able to breathe while we find the cement block."

Genzo nodded, showing her he understood; and with a thankful grin, the blue-haired woman dived beneath the waves.

Nojiko was not only an all-around weapons artist, but a powerful swimmer as well. She had Bell-mére to thank for that. Since the first day they had moved to the Conomi Islands, her and Nami's surrogate mother had forced them to learn how to swim. She'd always said that it would be stupid for them to not be able to keep themselves afloat in a world made mostly of water, and now, Nojiko was grateful for her teachings. She kicked beneath the waves, her eyes open despite the salty water making them sting, as she followed Luffy's body in a diagonal descent to the bay floor. Finally, through the dark water, she spied the cement block Luffy's feet were lodged in, around fifteen or twenty feet below the surface. Her lungs aching for air, Nojiko turned upward, and kicked furiously to the surface.

She burst out of the water with a desperate gasp for air. She was several feet away from Genzo.

"Found the cement?" Evan called from the shore, louder than was perhaps necessary.

Nojiko nodded, water flicking off her head. "Yes, I did! It's right below me, about fifteen feet down."

"Thanks! You should get out of the water now; things may get a little turbulent from here. You, holding Luffy's head up, though - - you stay."

Nojiko swept away from the center of the bay in a strong butterfly stroke, powering back to the shore Evan stood on. He seemed to be in deep concentration, glaring at the water where Nojiko had just been. Even as she swam, she felt the water current pick up, but in a strange, circular motion. She reached the shore at last and clambered up on it, shivering as the air hit her wet skin and chilled her body.

Safe on dry land, Nojiko turned around to see what Evan was doing, and her jaw dropped.

Floating over the cement block's resting place was a large, disembodied hand made of water, its fingers, each of which was at least twice as thick around and as long as her body, spread out so the palm was flat.

"Crazy Hand Ground Pound!" Evan shouted, and the armless hand shot downwards to the sea, which it powered through out of sight. A second later, there was the sound of a rock smashing, and Genzo shouted in surprise.

"His body's slack!" cried the chief of police.

Nojiko face-faulted. "Wait, what!?"

Before she could quite realize what had happened, there was an almighty snap, and suddenly Luffy was flying into the air, giggling like a madman.

"Thanks, Evan! That was awesome!" he called as he soared through the air towards Arlong Park.

Evan sagged to the ground. "Don't… mention it…" he mumbled, swaying. "Wow, I just realized how damn _tired_ I am…"

And just like that, he passed out on the red rocks.

Nojiko and Genzo, who was still floating in the water, stared in unbridled shock.

"...What just happened?" said Nojiko at last, closing her mouth.

Genzo shook his head, flabbergasted. "Devil Fruits… I never thought I'd be dealing with them in my lifetime, but the stories were right… they are absolute _bullshit_."

And Nojiko couldn't agree more.

::EVAN::

I woke up to a massive headache.

No, scratch that. A massive _everything-_ ache. Parts of my body I hadn't even realized could ache, ached. It was like someone had decided hangovers now extended to one's entire body, but I didn't even _have_ a hangover. I knew that because the only alcohol I'd ever had in my life was church wine. No matter how insane the world got, I at least could be confident that I would always adhere to my beliefs and never let any kind of alcohol or drugs into my system, outside of church wine.

So, what happened, then?

Why did my body feel like I'd been run over by a freight train, handed to a pack of wolves, and then repeatedly hammered by some crazy blacksmith?

As I slowly lifted out of the dregs of sleep, my memory finally caught up to my brain: _the All-Seeing Author. The Devil Fruit. Joining the Straw Hats. Kicking Nezumi's ass. Fighting tooth-and-nail with Fonti._

"Owww," I complained, to nobody in particular. I didn't know who was nearby or where I even was, anyway; my eyes were still squeezed shut. All I knew was that this bed I was on was very comfortable indeed, and quite warm, and I didn't want to get out… Also, my body was really stiff, anyway. I wasn't sure I could sit up even if I tried.

"Oh, you're awake," an old man's deep voice said nearby, and I groaned.

Forcing myself to open my eyes and turn onto my back, I finally saw where I was: A small, one-roomed building that looked like a doctor's office. Shelves upon shelves of various tools and medicines lined the walls, and a marble counter with a sink was flush with the wall next to the door. A couple windows let in bright light, which was strange because I'd been sure that it had just been storming. It shouldn't be that bright outside.

"What happened?" I grumbled, wincing as my ribs protested loudly.

The voice I'd heard before belonged to Cocoyashi Village's doctor, the silver-haired, short guy from canon. He wore a white doctor's cloak and a bandanna with a red plus on the front. Cool shades covered his eyes, but a kind smile turned his lips up.

"You pushed yourself to your limits in your fight with Fonti," he replied, messing around with a bottle of… something. "He did quite the number on you with his brute strength. You're lucky his Fishman Karate was ineffective against you; other than a cracked rib, all your injuries were external. He only gave you some rather serious bruises. It would seem that the exhaustion you are no doubt feeling now doesn't stem entirely from the fight, though; I believe you overtaxed your powers. Now you're in my care. I'm Doctor Nako, by the way, but you're a friend - - you can just call me Nako."

Ohhhh… so _that_ ' _s_ what his name was. For the life of me, I couldn't remember it.

"Overtaxed my powers?" I repeated, tilting my head.

"Indeed. Your crew said that you had just eaten the Tempest-Tempest Fruit yesterday morning, correct? Well, as far as I can tell, Devil Fruit abilities use up a lot of energy at the best of times, and with a new power like yours, your excessive use of it drained your energy rather like a bonfire might eat up a matchstick in seconds."

"Huh…" I said intelligently, tilting my head. "That makes sense, I guess… so I suppose I should train my stamina more…"

I paused.

"Wait. Did you say _yesterday_?"

The doctor blinked. "Well, yes," Nako said, confused. "After all, you've been unconscious for going on a full day now."

I sat up in horror, my aching body be damned. "What happened!?" I demanded, my eyes wider than dinner plates. "Did we win!? Are the others okay? Were Arlong and his cronies arrested? How are the - -"

"Relax!" the old man laughed. He turned and came to my bedside, grinning, with a white bottle in his hand. "Your friends are all alright. Pirate Hunter Zoro messed up his wound something fierce, but suffered no more injuries, and it was a simple matter of stitching it closed and bandaging it. I released him last night. Your captain suffered from some battle fatigue, but a quick sleep and…" A troubled frown crossed his face. "...Against all common sense, some _meat_ fixed him up like a charm. The chef only received some mild bruises which should already be fading. No one else was hurt in the fight except you, and as long as you take these painkillers, you should be able to do whatever you want without too much trouble."

Relief flooded me, making my shoulders sag. So I hadn't screwed things over too badly; at the end of the day, even though my presence had most definitely caused unexpected ripples already, it wasn't enough to make us lose to Arlong and his men.

He offered me the bottle, which I accepted gratefully, as well as a glass of water.

"Take one of those in the morning and in the afternoon over the next few days," the doctor instructed. "You shouldn't take them on an empty stomach. They're fast-acting, too, so you should be able to join the party in the town square within no less than ten minutes."

"Whoa!" I gasped, my eyes widening. That was awesome! I put my first pill in my mouth and swallowed it down with the water easily. I'd always taken my medicine well as long as it wasn't syrup - - I _hated_ the taste of the syrup medicine. But pills and tablets had went down fine since I was very young.

"So what's this about a party?" I asked, grinning.

Nako shook his head, his grin wide and fond. "The village decided you all are our heroes, and as thanks for freeing us from Arlong's clutches, everyone gathered together to throw a three-day celebration of you pirates. Today's day one of the festivities, and I hear there's some local bands that are performing in the town square. There's tons of food and beverages, too, thanks to some of the finest restaurants on the island."

I whistled low. "Man, you guys are going all-out."

"You're our saviors," said Nako with a chuckle. "Of course we would."

Just as the good doctor told me, within ten minutes, I started feeling much better, the aches that ran throughout my body reducing to mere needle-pricks. It was still awkward moving; my limbs felt stiff and lifeless, and were rather numb due to the effects of the painkillers, but I could at least safely get up now. I thanked Nako for fixing me up, but he requested no payments, saying freedom from Arlong was payment enough for a lifetime.

I exited the doctor's office feeling much better than I had since the fight with Fonti, but a little nervous. This would be the first day I'd spend with my new crew, in a new world, without any of the comforts and safety nets of the previous one. I was bad enough at making friends in school and at work. I was rather socially awkward at the best of times. I'd always been that kid who gets their name picked last for activities where you're allowed to choose groups; I'd always been the quiet one in the corner with his nose buried in a book. More recently, that had changed into the quiet one with his computer always open, creating all of the obnoxious typing sounds. But, well, the point was I had never been good at making friends even when said friends weren't people who could potentially kill me at some point.

I knew for a fact that Sanji and Zoro didn't like me already. Of course Luffy did, he's Luffy; and I was still unsure of Usopp's impression of me.

What if I screwed things up?

I walked with an uneven stride towards the center of town, my finger tapping a beat on the side of my leg, and humming the matching pop song ( _Some Nights_ by FUN). I wasn't entirely sure where the rest of the crew was, but I could count on them taking part in the festivities somewhere, so that seemed like a good place to start.

As I neared the town square, joyful music drifted on the breeze to my ears, and with a sweatdrop I took in the sight of a massive tower, made of tables and chairs and any other kind of legged furniture you could think of, that soared above all the houses. On the top, around two hundred feet in the air, I could make out Usopp with a makeshift microphone, dancing around as much as he could without falling over the edge of the tower. I also saw fireworks going off here and there above the square, randomly overpowering the chaotic laughter and shouting voices of the villagers. I started to smile, feeling the life of the party already take me over. It was my first chance at partaking in a Straw Hat party - - how awesome was that!?

Several seconds later found me in the town square at last. It was quite the lively place. People danced around in bright colors, walking by carrying plates piled high with all sorts of meat, rice, and vegetables, and everything else under the sun. Some of them noticed me as I walked by, searching for my new friends, and clapped their hands on my shoulder, thanked me, and smiled gratefully.

The praise kind of surprised me. I'd never really gotten much of it before, except for my singing in the choir and for my performances in the school plays. It threw me off a bit the first time a stranger shook my hand, smiling wide.

Being a hero was… unusual, but kind of nice, really.

"Ah, there you are, Evan!" a cheery voice said through a mouthful of food, and I whirled around at the sound of my name to see none other than Luffy standing on the street behind me. He was bright eyed and ridiculously happy, an impossible grin stretching across his face… and yep, that was some bits of meat showing through his white teeth. It was rather infectious, and I found myself copying it, or at least copying as much of it as I could. My captain giggled. "Shishishi! I was just going to check up on you but here you are! You okay?"

I nodded my confirmation. "Yep. Nako said I just have to take it easy a bit, as well as take some painkillers he gave me until I'm feeling better. He apparently fixed me up when I was knocked out."

Luffy's grin somehow _widened_. "That's great! Now you can party with us!" He held out some ham on a bone, waving it around. "Have you tried this yet? It's delicious!"

My stomach rumbled. "That… that _does_ look very, very good."

"The cook guy's this way." He darted off in a random direction, leaving me to bring up the rear behind him. "Follow me!"

As I ran with my captain, my worries dwindled. Something about Luffy's happiness and utter confidence just made a guy feel better. Suddenly, the others' reactions to me didn't seem so terrifying. _Maybe this won't be so bad after all_ , I thought, and my smile spread to my face.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Three days.

Have you ever been to a three-day party before? No? Well, you should try it sooner or later; it's one heck of a good time.

I danced my feet numb, sang my throat dry, and basically exhausted myself five times more than I already was. Nako likely would've had my hide if he knew how much more energy I wasted than I should've, but I didn't care about that. I was having _fun_.

The first day I woke up on the _Going Merry_ , where we slept at nights, was disconcerting. I kept expecting to hear my mom blasting trash music from her speakers, or my dad turning on the TV before he went to work, or my Rhodesian Ridgeback (a breed of dog from an island off the southern coast of Africa) whine to get out of his crate. I woke up at six thirty and started getting dressed before I realized: _Wait. No school. I'm in a different world, with no educational requirements to be met_.

And that led me to an even greater epiphany: _I can sleep in however long I want to_!

Right after I realized this, I jumped back into the hammock the rest of the crew had hung up in the men's cabin for me.

And mentally cursed as I stared up at the ceiling, unable to return to my slumber.

I could almost hear the All-Seeing Author giggling like mad in some far-off dimension.

Once everyone was awake and moving (this took much longer for Zoro than the rest of the crew), Sanji would cook us an international breakfast, which was apparently the same even across dimensions. Even so, eggs, bacon, and toast had never tasted better in my life. I wolfed down the plate and surprised myself by demanding seconds. I usually ate such a small amount, my dad liked to say I had a bird's stomach. Only 2 eggs and a couple strips of bacon was usually enough to set me through without any hunger til noon. It was quite the rare thing indeed when I went back for seconds.

After breakfast, we'd return to the village for the party.

And, oh, what a party it was! It had just about everything you could hope for in an island-wide celebration of freedom. There were artisan stalls set up, with people selling their wares for over 75% off - - these wares included absolutely beautiful paintings, pottery, jewelry, and tons of other neat knick-knacks and doo-dads and watchamacallits. There were the classic fair games, like the one where you try and toss the ring on the bottle, dunking for apples, games of chance, and hopscotch. There were various contests, ranging from archery (Usopp, of course, won that by leagues, while I failed worse than just about anyone on the island save a three-year-old), to holding your liquor (Nami and Zoro downed a grand total 73 mugs easy, _each_ , until at last they passed out at the same time, Nako screaming in fury at the damage to their systems), to - - in a strangely Professor Layton-esque style - - a puzzle-solving mystery. I actually passed with flying colors at that last one, while Luffy was still stumbling over the first puzzle come nightfall on the second day.

And through all the partying, I came to a startling conclusion: Sanji, and even Zoro, were warming up to me.

The first hint of their slowly building trust showed itself on the second day, during the aforementioned puzzle-solving mystery.

"Evan, you've been doing pretty good at this," acknowledged Zoro, who was scratching his head as we came upon a maze the islanders had set up with a bunch of bookshelves pushed against one another, in an open field. "If you lend me a hand with this, I'll help you out with anything that might involve cutting."

Having just been about to enter the maze myself, I blinked and looked back at the unexpected request. "Uh… sure, I guess." I still felt a little uncomfortable around Zoro, mainly due to his previous dislike of my presence, and I could feel the awkwardness as I tried to push out of my 'bubble.' "Here, follow me. There's an easy trick to solve mazes if you ever get lost."

"I don't get lost!" the mosshead snapped, a vein bulging on his forehead. "That damn cook's a liar!"

I gave him a deadpan stare as we entered the maze together.

He sweatdropped. "...Okay… so maybe the world always changes around me."

"Zoro. Everything always stays where it is. That's first grade science!"

"But! - - It all just - - I can never - -" Unable to properly explain his complete lack in any sense of direction, he stumbled over his words before just throwing his hands up in the air and glaring at me. "Just tell me the damn trick!"

Grinning in triumph, I tsk'd. "Ah, Zoro, haven't you ever heard? If you ever find yourself stuck in a maze, simply follow the left wall around the whole thing!"

"The… left wall?"

"Yep!" I game him a thumbs-up. "Guaranteed to work, 10/10 IGN."

The swordsman blinked, confused. "Not sure what 'IGN' is, but… if you say so."

Later that night, Sanji was cooking for around one-hundred islanders, and that wasn't even including us other Straw Hats, or the elephant in the room: Luffy himself. Heck, with that man's outrageous appetite, he practically fit the initial headcount alone. With that much food to prepare, the blond chef was biting off a little more than even he could chew, and I found him motioning for me to come over to him.

"Have any experience in the kitchen?" he asked, flipping a few shish-kebabs on an uncooked side.

I paled. "Not if you count me nearly burning my house down last year just making toast."

He cursed under his breath. "Ah, well, carry on with the party, then."

I began to walk back to where Nojiko, whom I'd been flirting with for the past half hour (no doubt to Sanji's intense ire) and who was also completely ignoring me (no doubt to Sanji's intense glee), was sitting, but stopped and turned around again.

"You know, if you need me to pass you anything or help wash dishes afterwards, I'd be happy to help," I offered. "I can't quite help you prepare the food without risking messing things up royally, but I _can_ handle at least that much."

Sanji paused in his meal-making and smiled at me. "Yeah, I'd appreciate that."

As a side note, while I was helping Sanji cook, I learned just what had transpired after I freed Luffy from the cement and passed out. Luffy had grabbed Arlong and "swapped places with him," which had sent him slamming into Arlong Park's wall for the second time in five minutes. Zoro had used the distraction to finish off Hatchan with a quick Tatsumaki, while Sanji had been dragged underwater by Kuroobi and nearly drowned. That, however, had ended just as I'd remembered from the anime and manga; only a little off in terms of the timeline. From there, everything had gone pretty much canon.

That second night, even after all the food was eaten and all the dishes washed, none of us ended up getting to sleep until midnight, not even Zoro. This was most surprising to me, because I had quickly learned the mosshead made it a habit to never stay up later than ten-thirty unless he absolutely had to. The islanders were throwing a massive camp fire, and we all passed stories around til morning. Luffy was absolutely enthralled with the fire, declaring it to be a "Man's Romance" (for some reason, the image of an absurdly powerful dugong standing proudly against the sun, with a squad of four other dugongs cheering him on in the background, crossed my mind). He then launched into a few rounds of "The Islands in the Blue Seas," which had everyone present looking for desks to bang their heads against.

On the third morning, around half the island woke up with hangovers the size of Dallas, but that didn't deter anyone from partying even harder than before.

Usopp reclaimed his place on the Leaning Tower of Furniture, as I dubbed it, and belted out a whole gamut of clearly self-made songs, entitled "Captain Usopp Support Songs." By noon, he was on his 85th song, though nobody was paying him much attention. They were good for a chuckle or two, at least, and the sniper actually didn't have a bad singing voice. I hummed in thought. Maybe if I taught him a bit, we could perform a duet with background music by Brook - - thought that couldn't happen until we'd reach Thriller Bark…

Ah, crap. There goes my ADD.

Well, in any case, while Usopp sang "Captain Usopp Support Song #185" (how he had even be able to come up with enough original lyrics and tunes to fit that many songs was beyond me), everyone down below was busy stuffing their faces, listening to better music, and dancing. To my complete shock, well into the night, I spied Yosaku with chopsticks up his nose, doing the Chopper Chopstick dance. I'd thought that had come from Usopp and his hometown, but I supposed that the long-nose had got it from Yosaku instead.

Sometime in the morning, Luffy found me while I was trying out some strange, Korean-esque food I'd never seen before. "Hey, Evan," he spoke up curiously, "what can you do, anyway?"

I blinked. "Huh? About what?"

Luffy shrugged. "I'm the captain. Zoro's the swordsman. Usopp's our sniper. Nami's our navigator. Sanji's our cook. What do you want to be?"

Oh. So that's what he was on about.

I tilted my head in thought. What _did_ I want to be? Outside of my newly acquired Devil Fruit, the only thing I could really contribute to the _Going Merry_ 's crew was my writing skills, and perhaps my singing voice (although Brook was going to be the musician; I couldn't take that away from him). I had no other skill with creating things, cooking, long-distance fighting, espionage, thievery, or any of the normal things you might expect to find on a pirate's ship. My only real draw was that I was good at writing and loved it, though that begged the question - - was this world's written language English, or Japanese? It would be horrible if it turned out to be some weird _Re:Zero_ kind of thing, where only the spoken languages were the same as mine.

"Hold that thought, Luffy," I said, and ran off to find a random villager to ask for a copy of the newspaper. The man shrugged and handed me one. Skimming over it, I sighed with relief; _English_. I wouldn't have to go out of my way to learn a new written language after all. Thank Goda!

I handed back the confused man's copy of the morning newspaper and returned to Luffy, grinning. "Well, there's admittedly not much I could do," I said, "but there is one thing I'd be perfect for - - do you guys have a chronicler yet?"

Luffy blinked, then grinned just as wide. "Nope! Nami does that, but she complains about it all the time because it gets in the way of her drawing maps. All right, you can be our Chronicler, then!"

And so it was decided.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

All day that third day, nobody could find neither Nami nor Nojiko. Our newest friend and her sister remained absent clear through the morning and afternoon, until the latter was spotted grabbing some grub and booze from one of the tables set up in the square. When questioned for Nami's whereabouts, she simply said that the navigator needed some alone time. She assured us everything was alright, however. With our concerns quelled, we returned to partying. Even more alcohol was poured, and laughter and joy filled the town. I'd never felt my spirits rise higher than they did during that third day of the party.

At last, everyone fell asleep and the party was over. The third night had come to a close.

It was the fourth day after the fall of Arlong Park, and that meant it was time for us Straw Hats to set sail.

That morning, everyone woke up at the crack of dawn, bleary-eyed and hungover (myself being the sole exception for the latter, since I had refused to partake of any alcohol the entire party). We spent the morning eating a quick breakfast courtesy of Sanji and his amazing talent, before setting about stocking the ship. We needed ample food and water for a boat carrying six people including one black hole, as well as plenty of Vitamin C-containing fruit in case anyone happened to catch a case of scurvy. Bathroom essentials were also restocked, since apparently soap, shampoo, and toothpaste were beginning to run scarce on the _Going Merry_. Booze was added to the list to satisfy an irate Zoro, followed by an unhealthy supply of meat for an equally irate Luffy. I requested parchment, several ballpoint pens, and pencils; I couldn't very well record our journeys without the proper utilities to do so with.

At last, all the necessary supplies were packed onto our ship. We checked and double-checked to make sure everything was present. The villagers started gathering on the shore in front of the ship, milling about and calling out encouragements and praises. We were almost ready to set sail, except for one last thing:

Nami _still_ hadn't shown.

"Where do you think she is?" a worried Sanji groused. "She should've been here by now."

Zoro was resting against the railing without a care. "Who knows? Maybe she's not coming."

 _That_ sent Sanji off on a tirade. "WHAT!?" he roared, spinning to face the mosshead. "What do you mean she's not coming? You made a pass on her, didn't you!? I bet she's not coming because you interfered!"

"Don't be stupid, moron! Of course I didn't!"

"GRAAAAH! If Nami-san isn't going to be on the ship, then 98.75% of _my_ reason to be on the ship is gone, too!"

I rubbed the bridge of my nose tiredly. "Oh, gosh, this again?" I moaned, rolling my eyes. "Sanji, she's obviously coming. Just wait a little bit longer." I blinked. "Out of curiosity, what's the other 1.25% of your reason?"

"Making sure you idiots don't starve yourselves to death."

"Oh." I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. "Makes sense."

Usopp was rubbing his chin in thought. "You know, it would actually not be very surprising if she chooses not to come with us. She hates pirates, and now that her home's free from Arlong, she has no reason to leave it. That was the entire reason she was sailing this sea in the first place, right? For her home?"

My eye twitched as Sanji howled in agony. " _Not helping_ ," I grumbled, and Usopp gave an awkward laugh, sweatdropping.

I sighed and turned to Luffy. "What do you think, captain?"

"She'll come," he said with unwavering confidence, and that was that. Then he glared at Sanji. "Oi, I never found that raw ham melon you had yesterday! I looked over the whole island for it! You liar!"

Sanji stared at him. "Why would you search the island when the party was only in the town square?"

"Because I couldn't find it!" he huffed with an indignant frown.

"Vahahaha!" I laughed, smiling fondly. "Of course you couldn't."

Luffy pouted even deeper. "I bet you couldn't find it either."

"I wasn't searching for it, so it doesn't count. Heck, I didn't even know it existed!" I considered the idea for a moment, and my stomach growled. "Although you know, now that you mention, that _does_ sound really good…"

As it turns out, we didn't end up having to wait much longer for Nami to arrive. After just about five more minutes of waiting around, we heard our navigator shout, "OI! SET SAIL!" followed by outcries from the villagers.

Sanji's pupils flipped to the shapes of pink Valentine hearts - - no joke. "NAMI-SWAN!" he exclaimed in adoration.

I rolled my eyes. "Ero-cook."

"Are you really going to leave without giving us the chance to say goodbye?" the villagers demanded, shocked by this turn of events.

"We want to wish you well!"

"Hey, wait up, Nacchan!"

Nami paid them no heed, however, and rushed through them in a zig-zag. They tried to reach out and stop her, afraid of not being able to say goodbye to their beloved redhead. She dodged them all, pushing them aside and shoving through the crowd. The rest of watched the impromptu chaos with various degrees of surprise.

"She said to set sail?" repeated Usopp with a blink.

Zoro contemplated the statement. "What do you think she's trying to do?"

"Well, she said to set sail," pointed out Luffy, "so let's just get going!"

I raised my eyebrow as we started getting ready to cast off. I, of course, knew Nami's reasoning for wanting us to go early, having seen it all before in a different medium; an expectant smirk spread out on my face as I busied myself with nearly breaking my back by way of hoisting the anchor. At the same time, Zoro was clambering up the mainmast and releasing the sails, while Sanji manned the ship's rudder.

A confused Usopp spoke up hesitantly. "O-oi, is it really okay for us to let her leave like this?"

Luffy shrugged. "Well, it's what she wants."

"Yeah… but… I mean…"

"Besides, isn't saying goodbye kind of like saying you don't expect to ever see the person again?" I pointed out, panting as I dropped the hammer on the deck with a clamor.

"I… guess so, but still - -"

Before Usopp could string together a proper complaint, Nami had already reached the end of the dock and jumped into midair, even as the sail began to pick up the wind. For a moment, she looked like a female Mario, hanging in suspense with one arm up and her legs outstretched. Then she landed on the railing of the _Merry_ , her knees bending to siphon off the impact, and she stepped off onto the back of the ship.

Everyone, including the panicked villagers, was silent for a moment as she lifted up her shirt.

...And near a hundred wallets fell out, littering the floor.

The villagers face-faulted, then quickly checked their pockets, finding them all turning up empty.

"She never changes, does she?" muttered Usopp with an unimpressed gaze and half-lidded eyes, while Luffy and I burst into laughter.

"Oi, oi, when will she betray us next?" grumbled Zoro, his eye twitching.

"Remind me to never let her know if I make any money!" I guffawed, slapping my knee.

And as we retreated across the blue waves, Nami just turned and winked at her friends and family, waving her hand. "See ya, everyone! I'll come back!"

"YOU'RE WELCOME ANYTIME, YOU PUNK!" roared the village collectively, only renewing Luffy's and my laughter.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 _ **Sometime later that day...**_

My first day on the ocean with the Straw Hats had been going pretty well. I was settling into a sort of normalcy on the ship - - or at least, as normal as one could get when a cold feeling of homesickness was beginning to rise. Relaxing on the deck, it had finally hit me that I might never see my family or friends again. Perhaps it was seeing Nami leave her hometown, but something about the finality of the situation had sunk in at last.

How was I ever going to get home? How was I ever going to see my mom, my dad, or my sister again? How would I ever foreign exchange to Japan like I'd planned, or become a famous writer, or marry, settle down, and live a peaceful life?

All of my plans had been thrown out the window with a mere two words.

In my pocket, my iPod buzzed, and I definitely did _not_ jump.

It was another email from the All-Seeing Author. I opened it up, my face twitching, and offered it an annoyed glare. It said, _Don't be so sappy, kid. You'll get back home sooner or later. Probably later_.

I blinked, not having expected that. "Wait, what!?" I cried, drawing some weird stares from Nami, who was standing in the front and keeping an eye on our course, and Usopp, who was on the deck several feet from me and was working on creating some new Sure-Kill Star. I sweatdropped and lowered my voice, hiding my iPod from view. "I have a way to get home!?" I hissed furiously.

My iPod rumbled again, and another notification popped up, showing a second email.

 _Duh. What do you think I am, a jackass Jackass God? Pfft, please. The pay's decent, but not_ THAT _good. Nah, I'll settle for a fence in some places, if you know what I mean._

I could feel what little was left of my sanity crumble. "Trump references? _Really_?"

 _Hey, the man's good for a laugh! Bite me! Anyway, yeah, you can get home so long as you can reach Raftel. There's a little something-something there from yours truly that'll help you bounce around space and time. And no, it's not a spatially illogical police box._

Rubbing my face, I grumbled, "Can you at least tell me what the hell it is?"

Another new email blinked onto my screen. _Devil's Fruit,_ it said.

"...You HAVE to be messing with me."

 _Nope!_

I opened my mouth to cuss like a sailor, but was cut off by Luffy suddenly laughing his head off, and Nami reprimanding him. Distracted (stupid ADD), I looked up and saw my captain clutching a piece of yellow paper gleefully. Nami's face was twisted in something akin to fondness mixed with terror. Usopp looked up, too, and scrambled up to the upper front deck to check out was happening.

"Watcha got there, Luffy?" I asked, my curiosity piqued.

He turned the paper around so I could see its contents: a picture of him smiling wide in front of the ruins of Arlong Park. A grin started to break out on my own face even as he said, "Check it out! I'm worth 45,000,000!"

My grin twitched a little. "Er… come again?"

"They gave me a 45,000,000 belli bounty!"

...What.

Nami blinked out of her building depression as she seemed to notice something. "Hey, there's another poster you're holding, Luffy," she said.

"Eh, for real?"

Luffy fumbled with the poster, and I sat up to go see who the other bounty belonged to. Just as I started walking up the steps to them, though, a breeze picked up and tore the second paper from my captain's hand. A second later, it had smacked right into my face, sending me sputtering in indignation. I ripped the bounty poster from my face while Luffy's laughter sounded anew, giving it a hurt glare…

...Only for me to freeze at the sight of the face smirking back at me.

Nami blinked. "What's up, Evan?"

"Hey, Nami…" I glanced up at her, my face ashen. "You're going to want to see this."

::NOJIKO::

When the noon paper came on the day of Nami's departure, Nojiko had not been surprised to find an article about the Straw Hats taking down Arlong printed in the issue. As far as Marine news went, the article had actually been fairly unbiased. It had focused more on the reign of terror that Arlong had forced upon her home for the past decade, complete with interviews from islanders she knew. There was, of course, the usual propaganda about the Straw Hats being dangerous people whom you should sell out to the government should you see them, but then, that was to be expected; they _were_ pirates, and when it came to piracy, the Marines were absolute.

She also hadn't been surprised when she saw a bounty poster worth 45,000,000 belli, with a picture of her smiling savior, and the title Monkey D. "Straw Hat" Luffy written on it. In reality, she was quite happy for the rubberman - - having his first bounty meant that he was at last on the first leg to completing his dream. Achieving one's dreams was definitely something Nojiko could appreciate. She and the rest of Conomi Islands had indeed been waiting eagerly for this for four days; for the day their hero's power was recognized by the World Government.

What _had_ surprised Nojiko was the familiar face staring back at her on the bounty poster she'd discovered beneath Luffy's.

"Why would they _do_ this?" demanded a furious Genzo, sitting on the harbor next to her, for the fifteenth time in five minutes.

Nojiko was as white as a ghost. "I have no idea," she growled dangerously, "but someone's going to _pay_."

For a moment, the two Conomi Island residents sat on the harbor, staring at the waves lapping against the dock and shore. This new turn of events had thrown them completely off the deep end, leaving them helpless and alone. Their frowns were equivalent. Their eyes, reflecting the brilliant rays of sunlight that poked out behind a random cloud here and there, were shadowed behind their hair and hat respectively. Nothing was said for several moments.

Then something caught Genzo's eye, and he lifted his head up to gaze out to the blue horizon. "Nojiko, look," he said, and the seriousness of the words alone caused her to complete the action.

The _Going Merry_ was slowly growing larger some distance away from them, the captain a mere speck on the ship's figurehead. The Straw Hats had returned. The blue-haired woman knew that there could only be one thing they had returned for, and she clenched her fists, glaring down at the piece of paper in her hands.

Clearly taken during the party, her own picture stared back at her, with the epitaph "Tattooed Rogue" Nojiko stenciled below, and a ten million belli price tag added to the name.


	7. 100th Follower Special!

**A/N:** Hello, everyone! Welcome back to another chapter of _Ripples in the Pond_! This is quite unlike anything you may have been expecting, however. Due to having recently acquired 100 followers, I decided to upload a special chapter for having reached this important milestone. It's more comedy-based than anything, although not every thing in the ensuing list will be comedic. References will be aplenty, and some items in the list should be quite humorous indeed! Even if not all of them are physically, or canonically, possible.

Please note that this story is also currently being published on Spacebattles, where I go by the same handle as I do here, and the story itself is called **Ripples in the Pond (A One Piece SI)**. If you wish to take part in a community discussion, feel free to head on over.

And so, without further ado, let's start this special!

0) Disclaim non-ownership of One Piece.

* * *

100th Follower Special! From the Bucket List of Evan Johnson!

1) Party with wolves.

2) Scare Zoro with the scariest campfire story ever.

3) Give Magellan a meal with the most beans that has ever been on one plate.

4) Find out if a Nokia could survive Whitebeard's attacks.

5) Get a Nokia from the All-Seeing Author, with which to test item Number 4. Also with which to use as a secondary weapon, or defense mechanism.

6) Snap a picture of Eneru's "wtf!?" face, and save it for eternity.

7) Send an anonymous letter containing said picture to the Marines with information on Eneru's Devil Fruit and mantra, and tell them that he's a new Grand Line pirate. Check the next set of bounty posters.

8) Find out whether Tashigi is an amnesiac.

9) Play "Thriller" at Thriller Bark. As a corollary to item Number 9, dance the "Thriller" dance with Moria's zombies.

10) Test out MatPat's Film Theory episode on bashing zombie heads VS Moria's zombies.

11) Give Lucci catnip. Observe.

12) Attempt to get Vivi to Happiness Punch the crew as well as Nami. Avoid subsequent pimp slap that is likely to follow said attempt.

13) Ask Crocodile if he knows first-hand what Ivankov's "special" hormone abilities are like.

14) Get Crocodile to wear Crocs.

15) Test which is stronger: Doflamingo's glasses or the Nokia received from item Number 4.

16) Switch out Franky's cola with… _something else_.

17) Repeat item Number 16 many, many times.

18) Ask Raizo if he knows Shadow Clone no Jutsu.

19) Get Coby to eat the Flare-Flare Fruit! As a corollary to item Number 19, teach him the phrase, "I'm all fired up now!" and have Ivankov use his "special" hormones on Helmeppo. Also, find a blue cat.

20) Ask Usopp to tell a lie about a million belli raining down on us. Wait.

21) Suggest an eating contest between Luffy and Bonney.

22) Snap a picture of Mermaid!Kokoro. Impose the image onto a bronze shield. Make enemies cower in fear (or, more likely, utter disgust).

23) Teach Sans's stupid skeleton jokes to Brook.

24) Create and use water slides, out of actual water.

25) Teach Luffy the 4kids Rap.

26) Show a picture of Fem!Luffy to Sanji. Observe reaction.

27) Find out whether the Human-Human Fruit, Model: Superhero exists. Feed to a spider. Name said spider Peter Parker.

28) Go Titan-slaying after certain events occur in Thriller Bark.

29) Correctly use the "My drill is the drill that shall pierce the heavens!" speech at the end of a fight.

30) DESTROY LILY CARNATION. MURDER IT 'TIL IT'S DEAD. As a corollary to item Number 30, ensure that no yellow flowers consume the Goat-Goat Fruit, or that no goats consume the Flower-Flower Fruit, Model: Golden Flower. Also ensure that if one of these circumstances occur, Big Mom goes nowhere near said flower/goat, and absolutely does NOT give it seven souls.

31) Find a bear. Name it Happiness. Introduce Happiness to Enies Lobby. And Impel Down.

32) GET LUFFY AND NAMI THE _****_ TOGETHER!


	8. Ohio Teen Pairs Science with DF Powers

**A/N:** Welcome back to another chapter of _Ripples in the Pond_. Thankfully, I had more writing time this week than usual, and this chapter wasn't quite as long as some of the others have been, either. We're finally moving into the point where things are really going to start turning. By the way, as I mentioned in the last author's note, this story is being published on Spacebattles alongside the updates here on FFN. Feel free to hop on over there if you want to join in the community discussion, write omakes, post links to fan art (which I would really appreciate it if someone could make some), and more.

I may have a lot of free time, as shown by the quickness of this update, but I still don't have enough free time to draw and write _One Piece_. Only Oda does. Which is why he draws and writes it, not me.

* * *

Chapter 7: Interlude - - Ohio Teen Pairs Science with Devil Fruit Powers

The news that Nojiko had been given a bounty hit everyone hard, but arguably, it hit Nami and I the hardest.

It was easy to see why Nami became so shook up about it. Nojiko was her sister and someone she'd always cared very deeply for. When she saw the blue-haired young woman's face on the bounty poster, she screamed in rage and told us to turn around immediately. The entire trip back to the Conomi Islands, her eyes were shadowed by her hair, and her lips were turned down in a thin scowl. Her fist clenched and unclenched. Right then, I was very, very glad I had not ended up a Marine.

As for me… I was feeling very anxious about the future of One Piece.

If I had managed to screw it up so much already that Nojiko had been given a bounty, who knows what I could accidentally do later? I felt horrible, I felt sick, and I couldn't look the others in the eye. I volunteered to keep lookout duty simply so I wouldn't have to be around them. In the crow's nest, I fidgeted around, tapping my finger against the side, my foot kicking with an aimless rhythm in the air. My lips were pursed in an unpleasant frown, and I found myself lost in the very uncertain possibilities which could occur as a result of my being on the crew.

What if Vivi ends up being forced to join?

What if Nojiko gets seriously hurt?

What if Sanji gets an actual bounty poster early?

What if Nami _dies_ from the illness she picks up in Little Garden?

I found myself blocking out the activities of the crew as we neared the Conomi Islands, unable to hear or look at them without feeling incredibly guilty. It was _my_ fault Nojiko had had a bounty placed on her. It was because of _my_ stupid "revenge" that Nezumi had turned his anger not only on Luffy, but on someone who had nothing to do with the situation. " _I'll make sure your captain pays for this_! _"_ he'd said. Well, he'd certainly followed through with that… except the person who was paying was _me_.

A little while later found us approaching the coast of the Conomi Islands once more. I had expected to never come back after we'd left - - or at least, not for a very long time - - and seeing the shore just made everything hit home even more. We'd been forced to backtrack due to my own stupidity. We just lost valuable time on our journey, and it was all because I just _had_ to go and fight Nezumi. If only I could've held myself back, if only I'd given into my fear of fighting and turned tail, _if only I hadn't brought his revenge upon Nojiko_!

Nojiko and Genzo were waiting on the docks when we dropped anchor. Nojiko clutched a bounty poster in her hand which I could only assume was a copy of hers. I glanced away, my head pounding.

"Nojiko," said Luffy from the ship, his straw hat tilted down. "We came back the moment we saw your poster."

The woman's face was ashen. "I assumed as much."

Nami picked up where he'd left off. "While we returned, we came to a decision. Since the Marines seem so desperate to mark you a target, we'll offer you protection on our ship. You know as well as I do that once a bounty poster is placed on somebody, the only way to negate that poster is to become a Warlord."

"Soon, the Marines and bounty hunters will start coming for you," Zoro added, fingering his swords. "You'll need to have strong people by your side if you don't want to get captured for something you didn't do."

Usopp's knees knocked, but he gave Nojiko a shaky thumbs-up. "I won't hold back if anyone tries to hurt you!"

"Nojiko." Genzo took a deep breath and sighed. "I believe this might be for the best."

Throughout the whole conversation, I had not spoken a single word. I sat in the crow's nest anxiously, my frown deepening as the conversation lengthened. My iPod had not buzzed in a while; I assumed the All-Seeing Author was taking a backseat and watching as things played out. My guilt turned into anger. If he hadn't picked me up and dropped me into this world, none of this would have had to happen! I wouldn't have screwed up as horribly as that! I would still be sitting around, just another tree in a very, very big forest, and the Marines in this world wouldn't have shat on Nojiko.

Nojiko's head was turned to the docks, but after what was apparently much internal deliberation, she looked up at us, her eyes gleaming with determination. "Alright, then," she said, smirking dangerously. "I'll become a pirate with you guys. But on one condition."

We all blinked.

Her face twitched. "If we ever find Nezumi… _he's mine_."

"Luffy?" Nami spared the captain a pointed look.

"Right," he agreed, nodding. "Permission granted."

Usopp rubbed his hand through his hair, grinning in spite of everything. "Well, then, welcome aboard, Nojiko."

"Can you guys give me a few minutes to pack up?" she asked lightly. "I have some things that I'll need to bring along."

And so it was decided. For better or worse, Nojiko had become a part of our crew. And it was all my fault, my fault, my fault…

But even as the internal tirade started, I squeezed my hand into a fist and shook my head furiously. Even if it was my fault, I'd just have to deal with it. There was no going back and changing it now. My being on the crew was guaranteed to change things anyway, so the only thing I could do was try to ensure that the changes I make would be for the better instead of the worse. And if something bad _does_ happen as a result of my actions, well, I'd just have to find a way to turn it into an asset. I was in way too deep now to go back to how I was before.

"Glad to have you with us, Nojiko-san," I said at last, and at the same time I was already planning what to do to make the Navy pay.

* * *

Nojiko's 'supplies' ended up being a crate filled to the lid with a variety of weapons of all types: katanas, scythes, staves, pistols, spears, and everything else one could imagine. I don't know who was more surprised at the sheer amount and variety of weaponry she brought - - Nami or me. Apparently, the orange-haired navigator had had no idea that her sister was skilled in fighting. She also carried a backpack with her entire wardrobe stuffed into it. It took her around an hour to pack everything up and get back to us. By that time, I had lifted out of my funk, although I was _slightly_ angrier at the Marines.

Nojiko had trouble climbing aboard the _Going Merry_ due to the massive load she had. Both hands were being used what with her enormous backpack and the heavy crate of weapons.

"Need help?" I called down to her, skittering down the main mast.

She looked up and laughed a little. "Yeah. Could you carry some of this for me, Evan?"

"Sure thing, Nojiko-san."

I helped her lug the darn things onto the ship, grunting. My muscles were still distantly sore from my fight with Fonti, although it was more of a phantom pain now than anything. It reminded me of when I'd ran a nine-miler in cross-country practice during my freshman year, and I'd been sore for at least a couple days after. That was _not_ a fun memory. Then again, all these ghost aches weren't very fun themselves.

I walked at her heels, carrying the crate of weapons into the girl's cabin. After making my way to the second bed, I dumped the crate on the wooden floor with a great gasp of relief, stretching my arms. That had been way more of a strain on them than it normally would've been.

She raised an eyebrow as she dropped her backpack on the bed. "You okay?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I'm fine," I mumbled - - quoth the male nevermore. I cast a worried gaze on her. Now that I had gotten over my own panic attack, I was concerned for Nojiko's psyche. Surely she couldn't be alright herself; she'd just been branded a criminal by a relentless government-sponsored organization, for something she didn't do. "What about you?" I asked with a frown. "Are you still good?"

Nojiko's eyes hardened as she looked down at her new bed. "...Honestly?" she said, her hands furling and unfurling. "No, no I'm not. This whole situation almost scares me more than when Arlong took over. But… I'll get over it. I adjusted to Arlong by training to defeat him." Her gaze softened and she granted me a smile. "I'll just have to set my training on a new target this time."

I rubbed the back of my head. "Fair enough. Once I get some weapons of my own, let me know if you ever need a training buddy, eh?"

She snorted. "Oh, please. I'd wipe the floor with you."

"That's the point," I said, and our rising laughter ate the tension away.

Soon after that we set sail again, this time heading out to sea for real. There were no turn-arounds this time; we were finally continuing the journey to the Grand Line. Nojiko spent most of the rest of the day unpacking and organizing all of her stuff. Still feeling a little guilty for her presence, I helped her whenever I could, something Nami later confided in me that she was appreciative for. Dinner that night should have been rambunctious in celebration of our captain's new bounty, but instead was a solemn affair, everyone being rather steamed at the World Government. Even Luffy didn't try to steal anyone's food, which was something I was both thankful for and rather disturbed by. Over the fifteen meals I'd shared with him, I'd come to expect his hands straying to snatch a piece of meat off my plate when I glanced away. Him not doing that felt like the calm before a storm.

After falling asleep at lights out, I dreamed of bashing in Marine skulls. I slept well that night.

* * *

"The next stop on our path is Loguetown."

The clinks of forks and knives, and the sound of eager chewing and swallowing, stopped abruptly at Nami's unexpected statement. Around the dining table, six Straw Hat Pirates looked up at our navigator, blinking. Luffy's hand didn't stop with the rest of his body, though, and carried his handful of meat-on-a-bone straight into his cheek, sending Usopp and I into a fit of giggles. The silence was broken, and Nami sighed.

"You morons can't be serious for one second, can you?" she muttered.

I grinned. "Oh, come on, Nami," I said, my eyes twinkling in mischief. "You know you love us anyway."

Usopp wolf-whistled as backup.

Nami rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, like I said, the next island on our path is Loguetown. Have any of you numbskulls ever heard of it before?"

"That's the town of the Beginning and of the End, isn't it?" Nojiko answered with a pleasant tilt of her head. "I remember you always going on about how you'd like to add it to your world map one day."

"And that Beginning and End would be Gold Roger's beginning and end, huh?" I followed up. "I've heard that's where Roger himself was both born and executed. I think they even still have the old execution platform standing."

"Both of you are right on the money," Nami confirmed. She grinned. "We don't really _have_ to stop there, since we have enough supplies from Cocoyashi Village to last us awhile - -" Her smile turned into a sharp glare aimed at our rubbery captain. "- - that is, supposing _some people_ don't eat us out of house and ship."

The 45,000,000 man only laughed and managed to correctly consume his meat.

"But we might be able to pick up some valuable information about the Grand Line there, and unless I'm mistaken," she continued with an exaggerated roll of her eyes, "I'm sure some of you may want to stop anyway?"

Sanji swooned, offering her a second glass of orange juice to replace her emptied one. "Ah, Nami-swan!" he sang delightedly. "Your forethought is so beautiful!"

Luffy grinned. "This Loguetown... You guys said it's where the Pirate King was executed, right?"

"That's right," I confirmed, nodding as I continued to eat my ham and eggs.

"Then I want to visit the execution platform."

Zoro glanced up from his booze. Yes, he even drank alcohol with his breakfast. "I need to replace the two swords I lost to Mihawk before we enter the Grand Line. Loguetown sounds like the only place I'm going to be able to do that."

"I actually want some weapons of my own," I spoke up. "I can't rely on my Devil Fruit powers alone to win battles from here on out. Plus, I need a new wardrobe - - this shirt and these jeans are getting dirty. I'll definitely be able to find something to fight with and to wear in that busy place."

Nami grinned thinly. "Well… I suppose I could lend you some money to buy those things with…"

"What's the catch?" Zoro and I both asked, suspicious.

Her smirk widened. "Three hundred percent interest."

My face fell. "Of course," I mumbled, my eye twitching. "Why would I have expected any less from a sea witch like you…?"

Nojiko, sitting beside her sister, burst into a fit of laughter. "You never change, do you, Nami?" she asked, her eyes twinkling as Zoro and I hung our heads in despair at the image of all the money we'd owe her.

Usopp stared at our navigator through half-lidded eyes. "You realize that's the crew's money, don't you?" he asked flatly.

"Nope! It's mine!" she retorted just as evenly.

"Don't even try to argue with her," I grumbled. "It's a lost cause."

Sanji glared at me. "Oi, can it, shitty water-man!" he snapped. "Don't make fun of Nami's beautiful shrewdness!" The local attack dog lowered his finger. "Although, don't you think Nojiko-swan should hang back on the ship once we arrive at Loguetown?" he pointed out, placing his hands on the side of the table. "The poor angel has a bounty on her head. If you try to go out there now, Nojiko-swan, you'll just get attacked by anyone who's read the newspaper."

"Hey, I can take care of myself just fine," Nojiko retorted, somewhat put off.

But I tapped my chin in thought. "Actually, Sanji has a point," I said. The others turned to look at me. "I've heard that in recent years, due to the increase in pirate activity, the Marine Captain Smoker patrols the island. Rumor has it he ate a Devil Fruit that makes him untouchable."

"Untouchable?" echoed Usopp, shivering. "How are you supposed to fight someone who can't be touched!?"

Sanji frowned. "He must've eaten a Logia Fruit - - the kind that turn you into an element."

"Well, if that's true, we'll just have Nojiko wait on the ship!" exclaimed Luffy, clapping his hands together happily. "It doesn't matter either way, does it? We won't be long anyway, and we're strong enough to fight off anyone we meet."

Nojiko frowned. "But what if I need anything?"

"We'll just get it for you ourselves!"

"...Fair enough," she conceded, although she didn't look too pleased at being forced to keep watch.

I offered her a small smile. "Hey, if it's any consolation, you probably won't be missing out on much," I said, pointedly neglecting to release the information that Buggy would attempt to execute Luffy on the platform, resulting in a huge battle and escape from the Marines. And also that said action would result in a certain green-haired man's voyage to the sea in Luffy's and our footsteps, until said voyage brings him into contact with us. Speaking of which, I should probably try to find Bartolomeo and encourage him to find an _actual_ navigator…

"You're spacing out again," deadpanned Nojiko.

I sweatdropped. "Stupid ADD," I muttered.

Luffy grinned. "So it's decided then!" he concluded, chewing on his meat. "Let's go to Loguetown!"

"Aye!" everyone concurred, raising our fists in the air with our excitement.

The rest of the breakfast consisted of everyone batting Luffy's wandering hands away from their plates as we finished our meals. The rubber-brained captain seemed to not quite understand what was meant by a "civilized meal." Once our plates had been cleaned off, we got up from the table and dropped them in the wash bin. After that, everyone went to their respective stations on the _Merry_ to ensure we didn't stray off course. Today, however, I had not been given any specific job myself, meaning pretty much the whole day was free for me to do with as I pleased.

 _What to do, what to do…?_ I mused, rubbing my chin as I left the kitchen and maneuvered to the ship's railing. I grasped the white-painted wood with both hands and leaned out over the water. It felt nice to just relax and feel the briny breeze, but I was a Straw Hat now - - although I'd spent much of my life relaxing, I could no longer afford to kick back.

All the same, though, there wasn't that much left for me to do today. So what then?

My eyes tracked the path of the small waves as they crashed against the side of the _Going Merry_. I sighed and rubbed a hand through my hair. _Now would be as good a time to train my Devil Fruit as any_.

I stared out into the sea, narrowing my eyes in concentration and trying to focus on the water. My head was convoluted with thoughts at the best of times, but now it was like I was hosting multiple people in my mind, each having a serious debate with each other. I couldn't focus my thoughts, much to my aggravation. My mind was just too busy.

 _Come on, come on,_ I thought desperately, biting an already much-too-short nail. _Concentrate! Freaking ADD!_

I glared out at the water. It wasn't moving - - or at least, not in the way I wanted it to. Oh, sure, it kept swelling up and then curling over upon itself; but then, it had been doing that already. My frustration building, I mentally screamed at the ocean to move its sorry ass into a ten-foot wave already; not those puny ones it had already been making since I awoke in my hammock.

At last, the water responded. It started small - - only a few centiliters at first, then a liter, then several gallons of the salty liquid. It reared up like a great beast proving its dominance over the smaller animals around it. Easily the tallest wave on the horizon, after a mere ten seconds, it reached a peak of fifteen feet, drawing up in line with the _Going Merry_ and travelling across the ocean alongside us. A grin spread up my lips and I laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of the sight - - the massive tidal wave's activity resembled a dog trotting beside its owner on a walk.

Maybe that was just my crazy side, which also happened to be my writer side, speaking, though.

"Man, that's neat, Evan" said Usopp behind me, and I instinctively glanced over my shoulder at the sound of my name. This, however, had the unfortunate effect of breaking my concentration.

There came the sound of an enormous splash, and the _Merry_ suddenly rocked side-to-side for a few moments. I cried out in surprise, sliding my feet out and shifting my weight to keep from falling.

I glared at the wincing sniper. "Oi! You made me drop my control on that tidal wave!"

He had the decency to look apologetic. "S-Sorry," he mumbled, playing with his fingers, "I didn't mean to interrupt you."

"U-Um…" Great, now _I_ felt bad for having unjustly snapped at the timid Usopp. "No, no, it's my fault for not having good enough focus yet," I said, grinning to show I meant no harm. "I was just annoyed with myself, really."

His frown softened in relief, his gaze brightening. "Oh, uh, I see! I wasn't lying, though. Those powers of yours are seriously cool. I never imagined that there could be a Devil Fruit capable of giving its eater control over water."

I rolled my eyes, laughing. "Veehihihi! Neither did I," I admitted, "yet look at me now. It's kind of a double-edged sword, though. My Fruit seems to require more concentration than most, and too bad for me - - I'm ADD."

"There's a lot of possibilities with that power, though," Usopp mused. "What all can you do with your water?"

"The most I can do seems to be to control it like a telekinetic."

"Think you could make it harder?"

I blinked. "Wait, what?"

The chronic liar shrugged sheepishly. "I-I dunno… I just thought maybe your control isn't just limited to how it moves, is all."

Make it harder…? How it moves…?

…!

I grinned widely and clapped the confused sniper on his shoulder. "Usopp, you're a genius!" I declared brightly, making him tilt his head in confusion.

"I-I am?"

My mind raced a million miles an hour, recalling old junior-level, high school chemistry. "Hell yes, you are! An object's density depends on how close together the molecules are," I explained, grinning. "This doesn't change the composition of the object itself, however. Ice is still water because its molecules are still H20 - - two hydrogen, one oxygen - - even though they're super close together, caused by the slowing motion of the molecules due to a drop in temperature."

Usopp's jaw dropped, flabbergasted. "Um… I'm sorry… but, what?"

"Cold air freezes the water and makes it harder," I summed up with half-lidded eyes, "because there are these teensy-tinsy particles which are always bouncing off each other. The farther apart these particles are, the softer it is, and the closer together they are, the harder it is."

Usopp took a few minutes to process this. I could practically hear the gears in his head creaking. "So…" he said slowly, "you think that you can make water harder…"

I tapped my foot impatiently. "By controlling the movement of each individual water particle and bringing them closer together, yes," I finished.

He frowned, his unsure eyes showing his skepticism. "I dunno. I've never heard of any small particle-things like what you were talking about existing."

"It's science. I learned it in school back at home."

"Oh."

I turned back to the ocean, examining it with a new light. "Anyway," I said, rubbing my beard-less chin, "if my theory's right, I might be able to make water that's harder than ice, while actually still being a liquid…"

It was rather obvious that Usopp was still confused out of his mind. Looking at me like I was talking gibberish, he backed away, glancing from me to the lookout post. "Well, uh… I'll… leave you to your ''science,' I guess," he mumbled, and ran off to scurry up the mast.

My attention had already re-focused to the ocean, though. I was beginning to really get excited now.

"Now," I said under my breath, a crazed smile creeping up my lips, "let's see just how much we can screw up the natural laws…"

Spoiler alert: It didn't work.

At least, not yet.

Soon after I began testing out my theory, I found that attempting to force every single molecule to change their natural movement required far more concentration and energy than I could process at that point in time. And it became quite understandable once I put some more brain power into it. There were trillions upon trillions of molecules that made up the water I was forcing my willpower upon, after all, and for an ADD kid like me (one who had only eaten his Devil Fruit several days ago, no less), it was a nigh impossible task. I figured that kind of molecular movement was straying near Awakened territory, anyway.

Anyway, I spent pretty much the entire rest of that day pouring all my energy into training my power and concentration to their absolute maximum. Throughout it all, I discovered some important tidbits about my Devil Fruit ability. The Tempest-Tempest Fruit appeared to have given me the power to only move water I was concentrating on, although the more and more I practiced with it, the less concentration it took. This process was a quite slow one, mind you - - but it was definitely taking less of a mental strain each time I attempted to use my powers. I figured it was rather like I had gained a new muscle. It was there all the time and could do work when I needed it to; but if I wanted it to do any sort of serious power, I'd need to consistently strengthen and strengthen the "muscle" through training.

A kind of exhilaration welled up in me now that I had a clear goal in mind. I felt more secure about my power, more confident. If I trained and progressed like this every single day, I might be able to force incredible amounts of water to do what I commanded by Alabasta, or at the very most Skypiea!

I slept heavily that night, dreaming of high bounties to come. When I awoke, though, I had a massive headache - - no doubt due to the mental strain of having used my powers for almost the full previous day. I was reminded of how, in my freshman year, my legs would always be super sore the day after a particularly tough cross-country practice/race.

As it turned out, we were still a little less than a week away from Loguetown. This gave me ample time to train with my Devil Fruit. While I had promised myself I wouldn't rely too much on my Devil Fruit, after all, it would be stupid not to use it to my advantage. I'd just have to ensure that said usage wouldn't over-tax my mind.

Nojiko quickly fell in place with the rest of the crew as well as I did. She liked to help out wherever she could: always doing the dishes for Sanji despite his insistence not to, helping Nami care for the tangerine bushes she'd brought along, or providing us all with another friendly face to talk with and distract ourselves. She also could be often found on the middle deck, training her gamut of weapons.

At long last, after a good four more days of serious training, as well as one storm setting us back an extra day, we arrived at our destination. It was first spotted by Nojiko, who had taken over lookout duty for the day.

"Land ho!" called Nojiko from the crow's nest. "Loguetown is on the horizon, thirty degrees to starboard!"

I had been testing out new attacks using my Devil Fruit powers, but my mind completely switched gears upon hearing the announcement. I whirled around and grinned up at the blue-haired teen, my eyes shining with excitement. "You've really seen it, Nojiko-san!?" I called up over the medium wind that whistled across the ocean. I was somewhat skeptical; after all, we hadn't even re-encountered Fullbody and his men yet.

Nojiko, whose short hair fluttered lightly around her face, smiled down at me. "For sure, Evan!" She offered me a thumbs up to punctuate her announcement.

Luffy came flying out of the kitchen, meat clutched in hand. "WOO-HOO!" he exclaimed like a young boy told he was going to his favorite football team's home game. His momentum sent him flying headfirst into the main mast, though this didn't diminish his enthusiasm in the slightest. My rubber-brained captain picked himself right back up and dashed to the figurehead, the front of which he scooted over to and sat upon Indian-style. His knees repeatedly knocked against the wood. "I can't wait to see the place where the Pirate King died!"

From where he'd been sleeping, Zoro cracked an eye open. "Calm down," he muttered. "We're not even there yet."

But I was with Luffy on this one - - I was about to be able to see one of the most monumental locations in this entire world. How awesome was that?

Now, then… what kind of weapon should I get in Loguetown?

I rubbed my hands together in anticipation. This was going to be _fun_.


	9. Monkey See, Monkey Do

**A/N:** Merry Christmas, everyone! What better way to start off Christmas break than with a brand new chapter of everyone's favorite new SI? I apologize for the slight delay in uploading; this chapter is the longest yet, reaching an astounding 11k words. And I'm the only one writing the story. I do have someone who will be doing "cover stories" for me, though, as well as helping me plan out some long-term events - - _VoidGlitch_. So thank you, Void, for the work you'll be doing in the future! I'd also like to thank Spacebattler _Burningsock_ , who has been helping me with fighting styles and move ideas, as well as my editor, _EXNativo_ , who many of you may know from the This Bites! Omake collection, as well as several stories of his own.

Also, for those of you wondering: Evan's Devil Fruit is a Paramecia, not a Logia. There won't be any turning-into-water bullshit. That'd be just _way_ too OP. And as a sidenote, this story now has its own TV Tropes page! Go on over and check it out, and feel free to contribute to it yourself!

Despite the fact that I will be foreign exchanging to Japan this August, I still am not Japanese enough to own One Piece.

* * *

Chapter 8: Monkey See, Monkey Do  
The Town of the Beginning and End

 _-Some time ago…-_

"Captain, are we there yet?"

"FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, NO, YOU IDJIT!"

"...What about now?"

Captain Fullbody of the Marines would've glowered at the new soldier asking the incessant question, but he lacked the energy to spare him the ire. Attempting to sail the seas on a ship broken enough to make the Flying Dutchman seem like a reasonable option could do that to a person. "Soldier," he groaned, leaning against the rotting railing of the warship with a despairing sigh, "shut. The hell. Up. The Conomi Islands are just on the horizon. Wait just a few minutes and we'll _fucking be there_. If you make my headache any worse, I'm going to ask permission to trade you for one of _Garp's_ apprentices, and you wouldn't want that, now, would you?"

The young Marine wisely zipped his lips.

The islands in question lay dead ahead of the ridiculously small Division. Fullbody was glad for this; he had been hoping to run across the Straw Hats again so that he could regain the higher-ups' faith in him, but actually arriving at his destination at last meant he could complete his mission. Perhaps HQ would trust him again if he could deliver the Arlong Pirates, who had been successfully chained up by the villagers to stop them from escaping, to the Loguetown base. Losing to a mere civilian had had a severe blow on his reputation, landing him in the situation he was in now, but as long as this job went off without a hitch…

"We'll need to drop anchor quickly!" declared the lookout, and Fullbody perked up.

At last, the Marines would love him again! And why shouldn't they? He was the greatest Captain in the whole corps, after all, never mind that Smoker had never before lost to anyone, and that Fullbody himself had gotten his ass kicked by a chef. This would go just fine…

:: EVAN ::

"Alright, everyone's aware of the schedule, right?" Nojiko asked after we'd safely docked and lowered anchor. "Do whatever you need to do and get back to main street within two to three hours. We'll wait around if we have to, but sundown is the very latest we should be leaving. Anything longer than that risks the Marines running across our little 'operation.'"

I nodded sagely. "And if that happens, then I hope someone has a nail, because we're screwed."

Everyone stopped and stared flatly at me as I stood with a proud smile. Except Luffy, who busted up into laughter.

"...Okay, then, go out and do your things, everyone!" said Nojiko, clapping her hands together. She seemed like she was trying to act more excited than she was; this was understandable, since I really wouldn't want to be doing nothing in a town like the one before us, either.

"Yes, ma'am!" we all saluted, and one by one we began walking down the lowered brow onto the shore, leaving Nojiko to watch us disembark.

I heaved an indignant huff, sticking my hands in my pockets as my feet hit the cobblestone dock. "You guys are no fun," I muttered.

Sanji rolled his eyes. "No, your jokes are just stupid."

"They really aren't that good," agreed Usopp, who stared at my back through half-lidded eyes. "Did you get that out of a joke book or something?"

I shuddered violently as my annoyed face twisted into horror. " _Not the joke book!_ "

My iPod buzzed, and I ripped my iPod out of my pocket long enough to glare at the message that had popped up on the now-lit screen.

 _All-Seeing Author (a) gmail_ : **Okay, you ragged on me for the Trump quote, but you can make obscure references to kid's shows and get away with it?**

"Kid's show!?" Triggered, I hissed back under my breath, "I'll have you know that _Gravity Falls_ has a big mystery element, and a lot of humor that goes over kids' heads!"

Nami, who was walking in front of me, looked over her shoulder, confused. I panicked and tucked my iPod away again before she could spot it. "Did you say something, Evan?" she asked, blinking.

"Um… no?"

Shrugging, Nami turned forward again. At the exact same moment, my iPod buzzed. I rolled my eyes and pulled it out again.

 _All-Seeing Author (a) gmail_ : **Jerk.**

"Bitch," I shot back with barely a sound made.

A few moments passed before we found ourselves at the official entrance to the town. It was a large, v-shaped arch with the island's name stenciled into it. I thought it was a little bit strange that both the island and town were named the same thing (and that the island had 'town' in it's name, no less!), but maybe that was just my stupidity talking. In any case, it was really quite the grand place - - befitting of the famous town where the Pirate King started the greatest age that the world had ever seen.

I whistled low. "Man, they really went all-out building this place."

"I should be able to find some incredible ingredients here!" said Sanji with a grin. "I've never actually been here, but some of the cooks I worked with used to say that a lot of the foodstuffs we ordered came from here!"

Zoro grunted. "I'm just surprised Luffy's not freaking out about this."

We all paused.

"Wait, where's Luffy?" I asked, looking around for the strangely absent captain.

Usopp ran a hand through his hair. "The last I saw of him was when Nojiko got done telling us our schedule," he muttered, casting a glare at the bustling city around us. "I got distracted by Evan's stupid joke and looked away from him. I think I heard a stretching sound after that."

"Oh. great," groaned Nami. "Knowing that guy, he's probably half-way across the entire freaking island by now… and likely more lost than anything else."

"Yeah, I'd say you're right." I glared sidelong at Usopp. "And once again, my joke was not _that_ bad."

"Yes, it was," everyone deadpanned.

I sweatdropped. "Yeesh. Comedy clubs must love you guys."

Sanji frowned and sighed, a mock-exasperated air entering his smooth voice. "Anyway," he said with a pointed redirection, "since Luffy's decided to just wander off on his own, I suppose now would be as good a time as any to start getting things done. Let's head off, and remember, return by sundown at the very latest."

After that, we parted ways for the day, everyone heading off in search of their own various goals. I guessed that since weapons were a pretty big part of pirating, and that the town flourished off of pirate tourism (never mind Smoker's anti-pirate influence), there would be at least one or two weapon shops on Main Street. I strolled off over the cobblestones, wading through the thick crowd. Loguetown was quite the busy place, it seemed; but, perhaps that could be chalked up to it being around noon. Either way, the crowd wasn't really helping the already sweltering hot atmosphere. By the time I finally spotted a shop that looked like it would sell what I was looking for, I was sweating my ass off.

Pushing my way through the throng of people up to the shop's entrance, I swung the door open, a bell dinging as a result. Directly ahead of me was a sales clerk standing behind a desk, wearing a bored expression on his tanned face. His dark hair was spiked up in the top, and his clothes had a distinct Arabian theme to them. Glancing away from the sales clerk, I examined the rest of the shop. There were barrels of swords and staves lined up on the floor against the right wall, with shelves of things like naginatas, chain scythes, some chigiriki, and clubs hanging on the walls above them. Against the wall opposite these were your everyday boxing gloves, gauntlets, shields, and guns.

"Welcome to Ali's Armory," the sales clerk droned, drumming his fingers on the desk. "I'm Ali Baba, the shop's owner. What can I do for you today, sir?"

Throughout the whole introduction, his flat tone never changed once.

I stepped up to the right wall, scanning the assortment. "Hi. I'm Evan Johnson, and I'm going to be getting into some heavy fights soon," I said ponderously. "I want something to protect myself with. I'm not very good with bladed weapons, though…"

His face never changing, Ali walked out from around the desk, drawing up next to me. "Might I suggest some tonfa, then, sir?" he asked flatly. With a quick motion, he reached up and pointed to a pair of weapons similar to the kind that Gin had used in his battle with Sanji.

Despite having no beard, I rubbed my chin. "Yeah, maybe…" I mused, reaching up to grab them. The moment they cleared the shelves, however, my arms felt as though I was holding a bag of cannonballs. A heavy grunt escaped my lips as I immediately dropped the tonfas. The entire shop shook with the force of them hitting the ground, and I jumped back with a very manly yelp to avoid breaking my toes.

"Whoa, okay, TOO HEAVY!" I cried.

The owner blinked; that was the first time that his face had changed at all. "So no bladed weapons," he said, his voice gaining a little bit of curiosity, "and nothing too heavy… This should be interesting." He bent over to pick up the two tonfa, and placed it back on its shelf with enough ease to make my eye twitch. Seriously, he made it look like he was lifting a feather, and the darn things had to way at least twice my bodyweight! His eyes fell on me with something that was almost curiosity, yet not quite. "Don't worry, I'll find the right thing for you. I wouldn't be able to call myself Ali Baba if I couldn't do that much."

Again, his tone never rose or fell the entire speech.

From there, he dashed about the shop, handing me tons of different weapons to try out. He gave me staves (too delicate, too inconvenient to carry) and gauntlets (these cramped my hands too much, and anyway, I wasn't skilled enough in hand-to-hand combat for them to be of any use). At last, after a whole gamut of other weapons, Ali, whose expression slowly began turning from bored to excited with each failed option, came to pace in a circle, rubbing his chin.

"Curious," said Ali under his breath, "very curious. I wonder…"

"Wonder what?" I asked, but Ali had already retreated into a back door of the shop. For a few moments, he remained there, and I couldn't tell what he was doing. But presently he came out with a thin, oak box in his hands, his previously expressionless eyes gleaming. He walked up to me and held out the box, offering me a small smile. With the shop owner, it was hard to tell, but I thought he looked somewhat proud of whatever he'd brought.

He said, "The weapon chooses the fighter, Mr. Johnson. Try this one. Nunchakus, eleven-inch chain, forged from pure Drunken Iron. It's very dense, so it won't be cut by any but the best swordsmen, and the sharpest Named Swords. At the same time, it's also quite lightweight."

"Sounds perfect!" I said, grinning.

I took the box from him, my eager hands tearing the lid off, flipping it over, and resting the box in it. I stared down in unsuppressed glee at the instrument of violence within. The two nunchaku were black as night and boasted thin, red, painted tongues of fire that curled up the sticks, the chain bearing a tint of silver. They rested in a purple velvet cushion. I hummed in awe as I slowly grasped the handles of each pair, one per hand, and brought them out of the box. Weight-wise, they were just right, feeling as though they had been crafted for me and me alone. The chains were the perfect length; long enough to get some good distance in, but short enough that I would have some semblance of control over their path while swinging. With an excited flick of my wrists, I tested them out, spinning around so as to avoid smacking Ali Baba by accident. They breezed through the air, a slight rush of wind reaching my ears with the quick motion.

"How much?" I said at last, stepping and turning to once more face the shopkeeper.

His face returned to its natural, bored state. "That'll be forty thousand belli total for both of those pairs of nunchaku," he recited, returning to his spot behind the desk.

I reached in my right jeans pocket and retrieved the money that our crew's resident loanshark had bestowed upon me. Extracting from the stack the appropriate amount of cash, I stuck the rest back in my pocket and slapped the bills onto the wood counter. "There's your money, good sir," I said, feeling adrenaline rush up my veins as I thought about fighting with my new weapons. "''S been a pleasure doin' business with you!"

He nodded blandly and offered a small wave. "And me, you. Feel free to return if you ever need anything else."

I turned and started to leave, but as I shut the door behind me, I paused…

"You know, I would… But it's a shame. I doubt they'll have any Ali's Armories in the Grand Line."

...And laughed as the last thing I saw before the door shut was the shopkeeper's ever-stoic eyes nearly popping out of his head.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 _-Some time ago…-_

"Nyuuu, I can't believe we've all been locked up," moaned Hatchan despairingly, his sad gaze cast at the floor. "Now I'll never be able to make the world's first seafaring takoyaki stand!"

Patting the Fishman's shoulder reassuringly, his good friend Fonti nodded sadly. "I feel terrible for you, Hatchan," he said. "At least you had a good career path planned, though. I only imagined myself possibly joining the Revolutionaries after some time. Looks like that'll never happen now, doesn't it?"

The Fishmen were locked up together in the brig of Marine Captain Fullbody's mostly-broken warship, sharing the same small cell. It was quite the horrible place to be. Never mind the cramped space; the smell and lack of any sort of food gave rise to a foreboding feeling of having been completely forgotten. They had been sitting in this position for almost a week, their stomachs growling, their stink vaguely reminiscent of old, uncleaned fishing docks after a particularly hot and humid afternoon. Ever since Fullbody had come marching into the wreckage of Arlong Park, where they'd been chained up by the villagers after their humiliating defeat, not a single Marine on the whole warship had come down to do so much as give the Arlong Pirates a piece of bread.

"Where do you think we're headed to?" asked Hatchan, his throat dry and cracking due to dehydration.

Fonti was silent. "Due to the recent fall of Axe-Hand Morgan," he said after a moment, "I highly doubt they'd take us to the Shell's Town base. The closest Marine base to the Conomi Islands I can think of besides that one is the base in Loguetown. If I'd have to take a guess, that's where this ship is headed."

Hatchan's face was ashen. "Then we have to escape before we land," he said hollowly. "If we don't manage I doubt we'll ever be free again. I've heard that Captain Smoker runs the place now, and that he's nearly Vice-Admiral level."

Fonti frowned. "There's not much we can do with these ball-and-chains restraining us, though," he pointed out, motioning to the classic prison foot weight clasped around their ankles.

"We'll just wait for the right time," decided Hatchan with a dry cough. "We'll never be able to achieve our dreams unless we make it out of here before we get to the base, nyuuu."

Fonti's eyes narrowed. "I'm with you, my friend. But do you have a plan?"

For a moment, Hatchan was silent, considering.

"Alright, nyuuu," he said after a while, leaning over to whisper in Fonti's ear and dropping his voice. "Here's what we do…"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I got lost.

Okay, okay, hold the "Hi, Zoro!" comments for a bit and let me explain myself. Loguetown was one of those places that was confusing to find your way around in on any day. But in the middle of a huge crowd of people, with no clear street signs to go by and without any idea of how the town was laid out myself, I was pretty much screwed.

Where was I going, you might ask?

Well, unless I wanted to wear the same exact clothing every single day, which was really just impossible since this was real life and not a cartoon, then I needed a brand new wardrobe. And in order to get a new wardrobe, I needed to find a clothes store. Therefore I had gone up to a random passerby and asked directions to a good shop. Unfortunately, I'd missed a street somewhere along the way and had gotten myself well-lost.

I scratched my head and grumbled under my breath as I turned in a circle, wondering where the hell I was. I'd gotten completely scrambled, unsure which way I'd come from or where to go next. My new nunchakus, which I had hung on the rim of my jeans by their chains, pressed uncomfortably against my leg. So hot I felt as though I had been thrown into a sauna, I waved my hand in front of my face in an attempt to cool off as I searched for something that looked even somewhat familiar. Unfortunately, all of the stupid buildings in this stupid town looked _exactly the same!_ They had the same architectural style, very similar heights, and almost the exact same color schemes. The only thing that differed between them were the doors, reminding me of Limerick, Ireland (I hadn't actually been there myself, but my Ireland-obsessed dad had shown me pictures).

And to make matters even more annoying, sure enough, my iPod buzzed. I slipped it out of my leather jacket - - which I was _almost_ starting to regret choosing to wear - - and heaved an exasperated huff as I scanned over the message.

 _All-Seeing Author (a) gmail_ : **Hey, do you smell misplaced justice and testosterone? Or is that stink just you?**

I blinked as I kept walking, confused. "Wait, wha- -"

 _WHUMP._

"HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, BUDDY!... shit," I said, as my eyes took in the pissed-off looking pink-haired man with the iron knuckles whom I'd just bumped into. His eye twitched violently as he stared me down. I sweatdropped and backed away a little. He didn't know I was a pirate, right? I could just escape this without having to go out of the way to pick a fight with a Marine captain… even if the guy _was_ a piece of crap that Sanji could take out in a single kick.

Marine Captain Fullbody glared at me as I backed away. "You little punk!" he barked, looking peeved beyond belief. I was just confused as to what the hell he was doing here. In canon, hadn't his ship been heading opposite the _Going Merry_ until Fullbody had realized that it was Luffy captaining it? ...Come to think of it, why the hell hadn't we encountered the moron on the sea!? While my brain rambled on, the Captain wasn't done raging. "You realize you just got in the way of important Marine business, don't you!? I have very important things to get done and you just cost me valuable time!" He cracked his knuckles, spitting the cobblestones before my feet. "Wasting Marine time is a violation of code!"

Still in my hand, my iPod buzzed. Oh, screw it, I'd forgotten to put it back!

 _All-Seeing Author (a) gmail:_ **Actually, it's not. Fullbody's just feeling down because a mere chef kicked his sorry ass. He's just looking for any excuse to pick a fight he knows he can win. Now, run, Forest, run, unless you want to get an iron spanking!**

As Fullbody rushed at me, the crowd made a wide berth around the two of us. I yelped and hauled ass out of Houston. I didn't know of any water closer than a mile from me, which kind of didn't help at all, because I couldn't control it from that distance yet. On top of that, although I _had_ gotten nunchakus, and I _had_ trained with them seven years ago during my karate spree… that was _seven years ago_. I remembered jack shit about any of the _katas_ I'd been taught by my sensei.

One thing I really did _not_ need today was a public ass-kicking. Unless I was doing the kicking. (I wouldn't be do the kicking, in case you were wondering.)

I dashed into the crowd, who gasped far louder than was necessary and pushed themselves against each other to get out of the way. As I hightailed it out of there, I slipped my iPod back into my chest pocket. I knew tons of people had no doubt seen it already, but the less that did, the better, in my opinion. Fullbody let out an animalistic growl behind me, and like a hound, tore off right on my tail. I weaved in and out of the crowd as much as I could, Fullbody never losing sight of me. My main goal wasn't necessarily to shake him off, though; I was really looking for anywhere that had water I could possibly fight with. Cursing at my stupidity, I filed a mental note for myself: _Always bring a barrel of water anywhere you go!_

My iPod buzzed… and began playing a certain cheery tune with the yakety sax predominate.

My face fell flat as Ali Baba's even as I ran for my life. "Really. The Benny Hill theme. I don't even have that on my iPod, anyway, so how - -"

Bzzz.

 _All-Seeing Author (a) gmail:_ **Jerkass God~!**

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled, dodging a few pedestrians and leaping over a crate of apples in front of someone's shop. "I see how it is. Just shut up and let me _run the hell out of here!_ "

I didn't get any more messages, but the unfortunate song absolutely refused to stop.

After several minutes of running like my life depended on it, I was starting to feel very tired indeed. It felt like ages since I'd been knocking out 3ks each day. My legs screamed in protest, my entire body was flustered from the noonday heat, and my nunchakus were bouncing very uncomfortably against my upper legs. Panting, I scanned desperately for water, water, water - - surely there was some around here, anywhere!

My eyes landed upon something that stuck out of the middle of the street, something large and marble, with blue liquid pouring down the sides and into a basin at the bottom - - a fountain! My heart rising, I squeezed my eyes shut and concentrated on the flowing water, willing it to do what I said. Water in general did not like being told what to do, but thanks to my practice over the past few days, it didn't take all that much effort to redirect the flow to defy gravity and pull itself straight over to me, right over the throng of people's heads. A lot of shouting and exclamations rose up, but I ignored them and just _focused_.

At last, I had a wall of water behind me, and I turned to Fullbody, who had frozen in shock, his mouth gaping open, with a smirk.

"Sorry, man," I said, confident now that I'd gotten something to fight with, "but you picked a fight with the wrong pirate."

My confident smile twitched.

Can I just say that it's very, _very_ hard to make a quote badass when the Benny Hill theme is blaring out across the entire town?

The pink-haired man backed up a little, raising his hands in front of him protectively. "H-Hold on a sec!" Sweating, he gulped. "Y-You're a Devil Fruit eater!?" He almost looked like he wanted to run away, but then something seemed to click. "And you said you're a pirate just now, didn't you…? Yeah, you did…"

His face swapped from hate to fear, and I sweatdropped at the sight.

Finally, after what seemed like much internal deliberation, he stood tall and pointed sternly at me. "Very well, then! As a true Marine, I cannot very well look a pirate in the face and let him leave unharmed!" There was a brief pause where we both just stared at each other through half-lidded, slightly annoyed eyes. Though for once, neither of these two things were caused by the other standing before us. "...Can someone _please_ turn off that HORRIBLE MUSIC!?" Fullbody roared at last, his veins bulging.

"Trust me, I know _exactly_ how you feel," I growled, casting a glare at the rectangular bulge against my chest. "Anyway, can we just get on with the fight already?"

"Hu - - oh, right." Fullbody blinked. "Oh! Right! PREPARE YOURSELF, PIRATE SCUUUM!"

With this roar, Fullbody went to leap into action… only to slip and fall flat on his over-confident face. He sputtered in indignant confusion while I guffawed at the sight. Growling, he scrambled to his feet and made to dash at me again… but this time, when his foot slipped, his back smashed into the pavement. I grinned cheekily. For once the damn theme actually fit the scene!

"Why is the floor so damn slippery!?" Fullbody demanded, pounding the street in sheer aggravation.

I roared in laughter. "I FREAKING LOVE THESE POWERS!" I chortled. Just before he had taken the steps, I'd quickly moved some water under his foot to make him lose his balance, and it had actually worked!

However, unfortunately for me, I'd been laughing a bit too hard. Fullbody had taken advantage of my momentary distraction to jump to his feet, dash to me, pull his iron knuckles back, and slam a punch into my face that sent me flying backward through my own wall of water. I came out the other side perfectly dry, of course, but the impact with the street knocked the air clean out of me. I panted on the ground for a moment, my chest heaving, but I didn't have much more than that to spare. Fullbody's fist came powering down through the air at my face, and I rolled out of the way in the nick of time. I scrambled to my feet and reached down to grasp at my nunchakus, pulling them out to fling against a powerful punch that came ripping at my face.

Now, while nunchakus weren't particularly useful for blocking, they _were_ useful for redirection and restriction. I had aimed my weapons in such a way that the chain wrapped itself around Fullbody's arm. He blinked in surprise as I suddenly gained momentary control over his weight. Using his momentum, I put all my meager power into thrusting his arm downward. He stumbled forward, thrown off balance, and to finish it off, my water came flying forth even as my nunchakus fell away from his arm.

"TEMPEST... TIMBER!" I exclaimed.

At the same time, the water coil struck against the bottom of Fullbody's legs. It wasn't much force because it was normal liquid, but what _was_ there was enough to make the Marine's already poor balance crumble altogether. His foot swept backwards into the air, and he sprawled out across the cobblestones for the third time in two minutes.

And yes, the Benny Hill Theme was _still playing_.

"Ok, you can TURN THAT OFF NOW!" I roared, shaking my fist at the heavens.

Bzzz.

To my utmost relief, the grating tune faded away.

" _Thank_ you," I heaved, slumping in relief even as Fullbody rose back up to his feet with a grunt and a slightly redder face, though this wasn't caused by anger or embarrassment. His eye was twitching violently, and he looked at me with the most loathing I'd ever gotten from anyone who wasn't Arlong. Then again, I don't think Arlong counted, really. After all, my guess was he gave everyone that kind of look.

"Alright, that's _it_ ," Fullbody spat.

Rushing at me again, he managed to land a punch before I had time to react, and I was again sent flying to the side into a door. It crumpled under my weight and force and I fell through it, landing in a heap of splinters. Fullbody, not seeming to care much about the property damage, stomped across the street up to me as, discombobulated and wondering how the hell I was still conscious, leaped away from another punch. By this point, I had lost all semblance of control over my wall of water, and without anyone to make it supernaturally control it, it had collapsed to the ground, formless.

We were in some kind of pet shop now. I heard a bunch of frenzied squawking and meowing; the animals were terrified of our fight.

"H-Hey, don't fight in here!" someone whom I assumed to be the shopkeeper shouted in panic, but I couldn't spare them the time. If I didn't _dodge this freaking punch, I'd die!_

The iron knuckles only barely missed my ear as I sidestepped. Fullbody followed up with another swift punch, and that one missed by a hair as well. Luckily, I was still gripping my nunchakus and somehow hadn't lost them. I flung out my right arm, wincing as the nunchakus struck against some cage and it crashed to the ground. Regaining my motion, I smashed the nunchaku against the momentarily distracted Fullbody's cheek. His entire face turned with the force.

That was when things got weird.

First, I was sent flying back as an iron-knuckled punch slammed into my stomach. I slammed hard into the floor, and I think I must've blacked out for a few seconds after that. In any case, the next thing I knew, Fullbody was screaming and running wildly about the place, pulling at something white and furry that clung onto his face.

My head pounding, I stared at the spectacle. Was that…

The animal, whose furry posterior was pressed firmly against its outraged victim's mouth, leaped off Fullbody, using his face as a launching pad. The resulting force threw the Marine Captain stumbling into the corner and flailing to the floor. It flipped a perfect five times and then landed smoothly not even two feet from me. Even as I stared in shock, it turned at me, and my brain finally locked onto the fact that it was a monkey. I had been confused for a bit because of the white fur, but that stupidly grinning face was no doubt a monkey's. And then...

 _It gave me a thumbs-up_.

Blinking, sure I'd been hallucinating due to being only just conscious, I stared as the Marine Captain stumbled back to his feet once again. Then he howled and rushed at the monkey, moving to kick it aside. But it wasn't having any of that. It jumped up into the air, landed on his leg, pushed off, and smacked its tail into Fullbody's nose before doing a perfect 180 and smashing its palm into the same place. It then kicked his chin and pulled a perfect punch on his stomach, all before falling to the ground.

And those attacks must've been really something, too. My jaw hanging open, I watched in shocked silence as Fullbody toppled backward, and this time stayed down.

For a few moments, nothing more happened. Not even the shopkeeper made a move. I turned to look at the flustered woman, but she looked as stunned as I felt.

Two little paws walked up my stomach, and I turned back to find the monkey… _offering me a hand up_.

Too confused for words, I accepted and grunted as I was brought to my feet far quicker and easier than I would've thought possible. The monkey leaped down to the ground with another couple fancy flips, and then, as if the day couldn't get any weirder…

 _It started doing sign language_.

"Hello, friend," it was signing. Luckily, I had taken enough years of sign language in school to understand it. "Because you freed me from my cage, I owe you a debt larger than anything you could imagine. I am a monkey of honor. To not be able to repay this debt to you would be to accept death. So, please, allow me to become your partner."

What… the actual hell…

Wondering whether I was finally insane, I signed back, "Um… sure. How can you even do sign language anyway?"

The monkey's hands were a flurry of motion. "I ate the Mime-Mime Devil Fruit, giving me the power to copy any action I see."

"Oh… Got a name?" I signed.

"I unfortunately do not yet have a human name, but may I ask yours?"

"Evan Johnson," I signed back, and then I thought for a moment. As utterly crazy as this was, that monkey was definitely super powerful. That Mime-Mime Fruit could no doubt come in super handy. Something as powerful as that needed a powerful name… After a moment, I smiled. My hands moving like lightning, I signed, "Okay, how about this name - - King Kong."

"King Kong…?" The monkey's hands froze for a moment and it tilted its head. Then it nodded like a bobbing head. "That sounds completely amazing! This is, without a doubt, another thing that I must repay you for."

The shopkeeper, who had been hovering nervously about for a few moments, spoke up at last, sounding like she needed a good desk to introduce her head to. She looked like she wanted to say a million different things, but at last slumped and said, "Um… s-sir, are you going to be buying that monkey?"

"His name is King Kong," I corrected, "and yes. Yes, I am."

Several minutes later saw me leaving a pet shop that I had never meant to enter with several more bruises adorning my face, a slightly bigger debt to Nami, a super powerful new friend, and a few less brain cells. King Kong, sitting on my shoulder with… I think a proud grin?... drew lots of sidelong glances from the crowd. I ignored them pointedly. I'd never cared what anyone thought of me before; why should having a karate monkey perched on my shoulder change anything?

In my mind, I was already adding another line to my mental bucket list: _Teach karate monkey The Crane._

"Now, then…" I muttered aloud, walking off in a random direction and keeping my eyes peeled for street signs, "Where the hell is that gosh-darned clothes store?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

They didn't allow pets in the clothes store. One very salty debate and one loudly screaming Mime-monkey later, that rule bent a little. King Kong's lips were turned up in a shit-eating grin to match my own as the disgruntled shopkeeper allowed us to enter his clothes store, which we had at last found after much trial and error.

It wasn't that large of a place in comparison to some of the other buildings in the area. The building itself had been large enough, but mostly dedicated to some famous painter or other who had rented out the rooms above the ground floor. This meant that the only place left for the store's owner to make use of was said floor, and there wasn't exactly a lot of room in it, especially when one added in all the clothes racks and dressing rooms that came naturally with such a store. All in all, it was a little cramped in the store, but it offered some pretty decent clothes, in my less than professional opinion.

King Kong, it turned out, was a bit of a fashionista despite being in his birthday suit himself. Then again, because he was a monkey, and had been locked up for the past year regardless, this was understandable. In any case, he helped me pick out some new clothes for myself. Was it a little weird getting a fashion check from a jungle animal? Yes, but I was having such a weird week that it actually started feeling normal after the first half hour. Therefore, I let King Kong pick out different shirts and jeans for me to try on while questioning the universe only a little.

What King Kong and I ended up settling with was an array of T-shirts in a mostly green, blue, and dark red color scheme, with a few oranges and yellows thrown in here and there for good measure. Most of the shirts were plain, but some of them had pockets and neat designs. The jeans were mostly dark blue and slim-fit, although I did get one light blue pair. Last but not least, I bought myself an orange winter jacket and black winter pants, as well as a belt I could hook my nunchakus in for easier carrying. Not having to feel them rub directly against my skin was a great relief.

I left the store with only a few thousand more belli out of the hundred thousand I'd been granted, as well as a good five or six bags to lug around the city.

My stomach rumbled with King Kong's as we left the clothes store. It had been hours since I'd last eaten, and I _did_ have a few thousand belli left, so I decided it would be a good idea to look for somewhere to eat. Unfortunately, no restaurants would allow King Kong in, and they were much sterner than the clothes store guy had been. I spent a good half hour looking for somewhere that would accept the both of us, and at last found a bistro that allowed us, but only to eat outside.

I ordered myself a stuffed pepper and salad, and got a fruit salad side for King Kong. While we went to town on our dinners, I decided to make light conversation with the Mime-monkey.

"So how did you find the Mime-Mime Fruit, anyway?" I asked him, momentarily setting my fork on my plate to make the movements.

He tossed a few blueberries into his mouth and swallowed. "I used to be a member of the Great Monkey Pirates," he explained with his paws. "We wreaked havoc on the Grand Line up until last August. On one such voyage, we raided an enemy ship that happened to have a chest with the Fruit locked inside. I had only just eaten it when we were all caught by the Marines. The World Government then had our crew sold out to various pet stores all across the globe to ensure that we never met up again." His beady monkey eyes grew angry and spiteful. "My dream is to one day find my crew again, wherever they are."

"Well, why not become a member of the Straw Hat Pirates with me?" I signed. "I'm sure the captain, Luffy, would think having a monkey among us would be the coolest thing ever."

King Kong tilted his head cutely. "What's this Luffy like?" his paws motioned.

I moved to answer him, but just as I started making the signs, a commotion rose up in the streets. To my confusion, everyone seemed to be running up the street in a frenzy. King Kong and I watched the chaos with equally flabbergasted expressions. Finally, I shouted out as one man ran past, "Oi, what's the rush?"

"There's going to be an execution!" shouted the man, his eyes wide. "Buggy the Clown is going to kill Straw Hat Luffy on the platform in the center of town!"

For a moment, the world froze around me.

... _Shit, it was that time already?_

"DAMN IT!" I roared, standing up so quickly that the table shook and my chair toppled backward. King Kong started, throwing a few pieces of fruit in his mouth for comfort. With wild eyes, I slammed my hands on the table and told King Kong, "Hurry, we've got to get going! That's my captain he's talking about!"

"Right with you, partner!" signed King Kong, and he leaped onto my shoulder even as I turned and vaulted over the fence. I landed at the edge of the rushing crowd and followed everyone else, King Kong clutching on for dear life.

The next few minutes were a rush of motion and running that I could hardly remember. All I can recall now is being terrified beyond belief. I had already caused so much change in this short time that I'd been living in this foreign universe - - what if I'd messed up the time enough that Luffy wasn't saved by the lightning bolt? I had to hurry, hurry, hurry! Feet pounding, people screaming, wind kicking up! Sound, panic, adrenaline, _fear_!

After what felt like ages to my terrified brain, King Kong and I at last found ourselves in the town square. Sometime during our run, the sky had grown overcast, darkness slowly beating out the evening light too early. The square was crowded, making moving about hard to do, but I forced my way through, pushing and shoving. I tried to find my friends over the sea of heads and hair, but I couldn't tell one person from the other without getting higher ground. But I didn't have time; up on top of the platform, Buggy already had Luffy locked, and was busy monologuing his way to victory. It wouldn't be long until he took my captain's head, and I didn't want to witness anyone dying - - much less someone I cared for as dearly as him.

"Oi, King!" I shouted over the clamor of the crowd around me. It was what I'd decided to call King Kong for short. I wasn't sure if he could understand human language or not, but I was throwing caution out the window in account of low time. "Climb on my head and stand tall! Try to find a red-haired girl with a lot of shopping bags, a bushy-haired fellow with a beanie and sniping goggles, a blond guy in a sous chef uniform, and a green-haired swordsman! The blond and the bushy-haired guy should be carrying a humongous fish!"

King scrambled up onto the crown of my head. It would seem he understood after all. After a minute or two, he leaped off and landed on the ground in front of me. Then he turned and signed, "I found the swordsman and the sous chef, but not the other two! They're running into the square from the north!"

"Thanks, King!" I said gratefully. "Now hop on again! Let's go meet my friends!"

Lugging my shopping bags with me and King Kong again on my shoulder, I tore through the crowd in the direction of the north entrance to try and meet up with the others. Hopefully they had some sort of plan, or could help me form one. Weaving in and out of the crowd, I at last heard the shouting voices of Zoro and Sanji, and followed them to their source. Pushing the last few people in my way aside, I finally came upon them and sighed in relief.

"Oi, you guys!" I called over the din.

Sanji whirled around at my voice, his eyes widening. "Evan! There you are! We've been looking all over for you!"

"I heard about Buggy trying to execute Luffy and came as soon as I could!" I said. "I've been out shopping all day, but the moment I heard… well, yeah. Where's Nami and Usopp?"

"They're already headed back to the ship," Zoro explained. "We came to bring that execution tower to its knees before Luffy loses his head on it."

Sanji blinked and pointed to my shoulder. "What's with that weird-ass white monkey you've got?"

"His name's King Kong, King for short," I said. I turned to my proud partner. "Speaking of that, King, can you take my bags back to my crew's ship for me? Just run down the north street all the way to the harbor and look for a caravel with a goat figurehead, as well as a skull-and-crossbones wearing a straw hat."

My partner gave me a thumbs-up. "You can count on me!" he signed.

I set my bags down, and King Kong jumped off my shoulder, scooping them up and then dashing down the street that Sanji and Zoro had just come from. The two pirates stared after the monkey, baffled.

"Well…" said Zoro, shaking his head, "anyway, let's get going." He ripped his swords out of their sheathed (and yes, he now sported all three swords) and bellowed to the platform, "Oi! Captain! Starting this show without us, are you? Too bad, because it's time for the encore!"

I stared blankly at him. "And you say _my_ jokes are bad."

"Whatever, that's not important right now!"

"Hang in there, Luffy!" called Sanji, and that was our cue. We immediately dashed into the square, shoving into the crowd.

"Oh!" came Luffy's voice. "Sanji! Zoro! Evan!"

Around us, the town populace wigged out, dashing away from us as fast as their feet could carry them. "He just said Zoro!" they were screaming. "That's Pirate Hunter Zoro! Get out of his way or he'll turn you into sashimi!"

Luckily, the fleeing citizens opened up a straight path to Luffy. Unluckily, this path led right through the mooks of the Buggy Pirates, who were armed and ready. I quivered as I ran behind Sanji and Zoro; despite my recent fights with Nezumi, Fonti, and Fullbody, I was still very inexperienced in the whole 'kill-or-be-killed' business. And there were a _lot_ of angry, confident-looking pirates with very sharp swords and cutlasses standing in my way. That didn't exactly help me to build confidence in my ability to _not_ become a human shish-kebab. Despite this, though, the fear of losing Luffy overrode my other fears, and I pressed onward, leaping into the fray alongside my two friends.

The next couple of minutes were a whirlwind of ducking, sidestepping, and smashing people's faces in with my twin nunchakus. I could hardly tell how much time was passing. I was completely focused on pushing through the crowd of enemy pirates, all while dodging both their attacks and the aftereffects of Sanji's and Zoro's attacks on them. It took all of my energy and sense of self-preservation not to get cut in half or smacked in the face by a flying body. As it was, I still suffered several bad cuts - - one on my arm, another nicking my cheek, and a third slicing an inch into my thigh before Sanji kicked the guy away from me.

"We're not getting anywhere!" I exclaimed, casting worried eyes up to the execution stand. Buggy was still gloating about his victory over Luffy, and the imminent destruction of us, but he hadn't actually done anything else yet. As for Luffy, he was struggling against his wooden restraint, although Cabaji's weight upon it made said struggling fruitless.

Sanji leaned away from a swift swipe of a sword and returned the attack with a bone-crunching kick to the face. "You're right," he grunted, regaining his fighting stance. "We need to break through these guys' defenses to make it to the platform."

Zoro's swords flashed through the air as he dropped seven mooks in one fell swoop. "Unless your Devil Fruit powers can help out at all, Evan," he added.

"Well…" I leaped away from a muscle-builder's heavy punch, rushed forward, and grabbed the man's collar. With a grunt, I pressed my foot into his stomach, then rolled backward onto the cobblestones. Flowing with the momentum of my roll, I kicked upward and at the same time, let go. Even though my opponent was much heavier than I, he flew several feet back into his buddies, knocking them over like bowling pins. I scrambled to my feet and said, "There is something I've been thinking about… But I don't know if it'd work or not. I haven't tried it yet."

"Then try it the hell out!" Zoro growled as he sliced up another Buggy Pirate member.

"R-Right!"

I glanced around wildly even as the square continued to darken under the cloud cover. Was there any water I could use, any at all? My eyes at last fell upon a broken fountain in the center of the town square, the water slowly seeping into the cobblestones. Perfect! I sent out a silent command to the water, grinning in relief as it flowed through the air with immense speed and formed platforms in front of me that led into the air. Sanji and Zoro defended me on either side as my aquakinesis did its thing. My leg shaking, licking my lips, I lifted my foot and placed it tentatively on the surface of the first platform. I shifted my weight onto that leg; my foot didn't sink through, resting on it instead.

"What are you waiting for!?" demanded Sanji while five men rushed at him at once. "Hurry up and get to Luffy!" His knee bent and he slammed his foot into their sides, flipping over into a handstand before this. "Party Table Kick Course!" he shouted.

I nodded and set out onto the path I'd created leading up to the platform. But I'd barely gone three steps when Luffy's voice rang out across the square, and the sheer power and sincerity of the words froze me in midair.

"I AM THE MAN… WHO WILL BECOME KING OF THE PIRATES!"

It was as though the entire world itself froze after that statement. The entire town square fell silent, everybody staring in shock at my captain, who lay growling on the platform, his gritted teeth and firm gaze _challenging_ anyone to say otherwise. Nobody moved a muscle; nobody said a word. Even the Straw Hat/Buggy Pirates battle stopped for a spell. For a minute, the entire planet heals its breath. Time itself froze.

Then a crazed murmur broke out among those gathered in the town square. Standing in the air on platforms made of water, I could only pick up snippets of what was said, but it was don't hard to guess what they were talking about.

"Did you hear- -!?"

"- - can't believe it - -"

"Right where the world - -!"

I'd always believed Luffy would one day rule the Blue Seas, from the very first episode of _One Piece_. I'd always thought that he had the guts and willpower to do it. That he'd find the One Piece, that he'd be the free-est person in the world. But hearing those words, no, _feeling_ them, in person changed all of that. I didn't just believe it anymore. Every single molecule in my unmoving body _knew_ it with a certainty I'd never felt before in my life. It wasn't just a prize at the end of a looming path now; it was _fate_. It was _truth_. And every single person present, going by their expressions and slacked jaws, knew it, too.

My eyes widened in horror.

An irate Buggy was bringing his sword high over his head.

 _No!_

As though someone had sprayed a can of De-Icer on me, my body unfroze and I _moved_. Legs pumping like pistons, I tore up my makeshift staircase, my brain shaking with denial. This couldn't be happening - - Luffy couldn't die until he became King of the Pirates! He _had_ to complete his destiny! But I had no time; I was still halfway to the top of the platform! I wouldn't make it!

"DIE, STRAW HAT!" roared Buggy, and he began to swing his cutlass down fast.

Luffy's mouth opened.

"ZORO! NAMI! SANJI! USOPP! EVAN! SORRY!"

A proud grin spread out across his lips, and his next words froze my blood.

"I'M DEAD!"

Without even thinking about it, my lips parted and I reached out for him despite the impossible distance, screaming desperately, "NO! LUFFYYYY!"

Buggy's sword had only an inch to cross before it started to cut into my captain's exposed neck. It was over. I couldn't do anything to stop it. Everything was - -

 _BOOM!_

For a split second, the whole world turned white as the sky let loose a single bolt of lightning. Blinking away the flashing spots in my vision that resulted from staring directly at this event, I felt my jaw loosen and my mouth drop when my eyes took in what happened next.

The top of the platform caught on fire even as rain at last began to pour from the sky. Then it teetered, only one leg remaining unhurt after the previous phenomenon. At last, the sound of wood snapping mixed in with the crackling of the flames and pitter-pattering of the rain, and the broken platform tipped over and _crumbled._ Three bodies fell through the air, two of which were badly burnt, and slammed into the ground far below. One captain picked himself up and dusted himself off. A straw crown of the coming era, undamaged, tumbled to the ground after them. Smiling, the man caught it in his hand and returned it to its rightful place upon his head casually, as though nothing had happened.

"Oh," said the unscathed Monkey D. Luffy. "I'm alive! That's nice."

Everyone stared in disbelief. Lying unconscious a couple feet away from him, the badly burnt bodies of Buggy and Cabaji twitched. And in my leather jacket's chest pocket, my iPod buzzed.

 _All-Seeing Author (a) gmail_ : **What a shocking experience for Buggy and Cabaji! Coming so close to killing Luffy and failing probably hertz like crazy.**

I was too stupefied to even groan. Besides, it was actually kind of funny.

 _All-Seeing Author (a) gmail_ : **BTW, now would probably be a good time for me to mention that this baby ain't exactly waterproof. Including versus Grand Line-worthy rainstorms.**

...However, I was _not_ too stupefied to cuss out a certain immortal jackass furiously. Unfortunately, due to both my stupor at recent events and annoyance at my R.O.B., my concentration had broken enough that the master of the water beneath my feet switched back to normal physics. Even more unfortunately, this meant that normal physics was now my master as well. That is to say, I dropped through the air as hard as a sack of potatoes. I shouted in a panic and squeezed my eyes shut, fighting to regain control even as I fell. The water swirled back through the air, forming a sort of slide around me that led to the ground.

I hit the literal waterslide and yelled in both terror and excitement as I slid to the bottom.

One thing I hadn't quite considered: my resultant velocity at the mouth of the slide meant that I was flung way across the cobblestones, tumbling haphazardly. Luckily, some Buggy Pirates volunteered to act as my breaks. If their soft bodies hadn't been there, I probably would've at least broken something, if not died. As it was, I only dislocated my wrist due to it hitting one of them in an awkward way.

"SON OF A BULLFISH!" I yelped as I scrambled to my feet, clutching my dislocated wrist and wincing in agony.

It was, of course, that exact moment that the Marines decided to make their move. Someone shouted orders through a blaring microphone, and suddenly rifle-wielding men in white cloaks swarmed into the town square like locusts. In seconds, the place transformed into a warzone. Terrified citizens hauled ass to safety, and before long the air was filled with the ringing of sword clashing sword, and the cracks of gunfire.

"Whoa, everyone went nuts!" exclaimed Luffy with glee as he dodged a couple Buggy Pirates who'd been knocked back. He'd made his way up to me and the others, a wide grin on his face despite having been a literal inch from death moments before. "This looks _fun_!"

"Come on, we've got to moving!" grunted Zoro, sheathing his swords.

There was no longer any need for us to continue fighting now that our enemy crew's main focus was on defending themselves from the Marines. Knowing this, I nodded and tried (and failed) to ignore my dislocated wrist. "Yeah, we should be heading back to the _Going Merry_. We need to be leaving the island, and besides, there's someone there I want you to meet, Luffy."

"Someone for me to meet?" His eyes lit up. "Oooh! Exciting! Let's go, then!"

Sanji started to run off to the north. "Come on, follow me! It's this way!"

We dashed away from the town square, the Monster Trio mowing down any Marine squads who had the stupidity to think getting in our way was a good idea. After a minute, we at last managed to make our way back to Main Street, running as fast as our tired feet could carry us. While we ran, I tucked my nunchakus back into my belt, now that I no longer needed them. Or would I? Was I forgetting something?

"Stop right there, Roronoa Zoro!"

Sanji's eyes flipped into hearts and he swooned immediately at the person in our path. "Wow, what a gorgeous girl!"

… _Ohhhh_.

Right, Not-Kuina. More commonly known in these waters as Tashigi. She was _pissed,_ if her glare, snarl, and unsheathed sword were anything to go by. Luckily, she was only slightly above fodder level at this point in time, meaning Zoro could take her alone, no sweat. Hell, even I could probably curbstomp her. Hm… I almost wanted to fight her now, just to see how I would do versus Tashigi.

Tashigi's continued speaking brought me out of my ADD-induced internal monologuing. "You lied to me!" she spat furiously, pointing her finger at our resident Marimo.

Sanji whipped around to glare at the eternally lost swordsman. "WHAT," he said dangerously. "YOU LIED TO THIS CUTE WOMAN!? HOW DARE YOU, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!"

"Whoa, whoa, Sanji, now's not the time to be all chivalrous!" I piped up. "Can't you tell she's wearing a Marine coat?"

Zoro snorted. "Yeah, Evan's right. Lying to the Marines is the least of any of our worries right now. Besides," he added, turning to the growling Tashigi, "I never lied to you anyway. You never asked for my name, and I never had any reason to give it."

"Speaking of names…" I placed a hand on my hip. "You wouldn't happen to have memory loss, would you, Miss Marine?"

Tashigi blinked stupidly, the question strange enough to distract her from her tirade. "Uh… no, why?"

Drats! And another headcanon bites the dust. Rest in peace, my beautiful theories. "Oh, no reason."

"Um…" Tashigi shook her head, mystified, then seemed to remember what she was doing. Her glare returned full force and Zoro sweatdropped as her beyond-irked eyes fell upon him. "Anyway - - YOU! How dare you use precious Named Blades for piracy!? You're a disgrace of a swordsman!"

"If you think you can take my swords, then take them from my dead body!" Zoro shot back as another round of thunder rolled over the town. "You'll never pry them from my hands so long as I'm alive. Sanji, Evan, and Luffy, you three go ahead. I'll handle this one."

"We'll leave it to you, then!" laughed Luffy. "Shishishi! Come on, you guys, let's go."

Rain soaked our skin while we tore down the street passed Tashigi, who yelled and rushed at our swordsman. My breathing was starting to get heavy; it felt like I'd been running for ages, what with my mad dash to the town square, then my attack on the Buggy Pirates, and my attempt to save Luffy solo. Fire coursed through my leg muscles, and I wished I'd kept up with cross-country like my mom had wanted me to. I was terribly out of shape.

Luckily for me, our next stop was only another fourth of the way down the street. Unluckily, this was because of another interruption - - and it wasn't Smoker.

"PIRATE SCUM!" roared the pink-haired asshole who jumped out in our path from the shadows, jabbing an iron-knuckled fist at me. "I WON'T ALLOW YOU TO PASS ANY FURTHER, OR MY NAME ISN'T CAPTAIN FULLBODY!"

"Oh, hey, Fullbody!" I said cheerfully, Sanji groaning as he realized who it was. I recalled King Kong whipping butt left and right. Oh, this was going to be _fun_. "How'd that monkey ass taste? Is it still on your tongue, or did you have to wash out your mouth? Oh, come to think of it, though, you probably couldn't tell anything different; your face looks like a monkey's butt, anyway."

Fullbody's eye twitched. "You insolate pirate, shut your mouth, or I'll shut it for you!"

"Oh, not a fan of that one, eh?" I chuckled evilly. "Well, I've got others. How about… you look like Ivankov screwed a baby transponder snail. Like twenty packs of chewed, week-old bubblegum were smeared into your hair when you were a baby. Like some mook got drunk and attacked Roger head-on, because he thought the man was a rubbish Alvida Pirate, and regretted every single life choice he ever made!"

"ENOUGH! I AM A MARINE CAPTAIN! HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME IN SUCH A MANNER!?"

I gave him a savage smirk and sang, "Well, how _would_ you like me to mock you, then? I take requests!"

"GRAGH!" Enraged beyond words, Fullbody simply charged like a bull and swung his fist at me. I sidestepped the iron-knuckled punch by a hair.

Sanji glared at Fullbody. "I can take this guy easy." A smirk played out across his lips. "I've gotta say, though, what you said was actually _hilarious_."

"No," I said, ducking under another punch and waving them on, "let me have him. I have some unfinished business that I'd like to wrap up now that there aren't any random flying monkeys to interrupt."

Sanji blinked at that, but nodded. "Alright. Whup his ass for me! Come on, Luffy."

"See you back at the _Merry_!" called Luffy as they continued forth.

As they ran past Fullbody, I narrowed my eyes and slipped out my new nunchakus from my pocket. The Marine Captain growled and raised his fists, his eye twitching furiously. I'd seriously pissed him off with my mockery, it would seem - - how flattering! The pink-headed bastard's eye twitched at the shit-eating grin on my face, and he slid back into a fighting stance.

"You ruined my mission!" whined Fullbody, his face completely red in his rage. "The higher-ups are gonna throw me out to dry! I'm going to kick your ass for this transgression!"

I shrugged. "Hey, it was your choice to pick a fight with me when all I did was bump into you by accident. Really, you only have yourself to blame."

"ENOUGH!" Howling, Fullbody powered his fist forward, but I was ready. I ducked under the blow and exchanged with a solid smack of my nunchakus into his stomach.

 _I don't have time for this…_ I thought wildly as I dodged a second punch. _Even though I assured them I'd be fine, I don't have the time for a longwinded battle. I need to end this as soon as possible. How can I end this in one go?_

A memory sparked of an anime I'd watched not too long ago: A psychic teen with outrageously tall, blond hair, wielding psychic energy like whips as he fought an evil organization for his friend. A grin spread out across my lips. Oh, yes, that would do nicely!

Fullbody went for another punch, which I sidestepped and returned with a second swipe of my nunchakus. While my opponent doubled backward from the unexpected force, I locked my front leg firmly, lifted up my back leg, spun, and used the resulting momentum to drive my foot into his belly and throw him off even more. Then I threw my thoughts out to the rain pattering down around me, soaking my skin and matting my hair.

Twin coils of water formed in the air around my hand, thin tendrils that snaked about unnaturally. I slipped my nunchakus back into my belt and grabbed hold of the tendrils, smacking them about like whips. "Tempest-Tempest… Indiana Jones!" I roared. Bellowing out a battle cry, I flung my arms back, then swung forward, the water wrapping around Fullbody on either side. The man gasped, his jaw dropping in horror as I lifted him high up into the air, and then pulled all my weight into a downward swing. Like a missile dropping to its target, he fell headfirst to the cobblestones with sufficient velocity.

 _CRUNCH!_

His body flopped to the ground, unconscious. He should feel lucky he lived in the Blue Seas. If he'd been on Earth, that fall would've killed him.

I released the water whips and they splashed back to the street. "Sorry I didn't play nice," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes as I dusted off my hands, "but I don't have time for your crap. I have a journey to continue on. Call it bad luck that you got in my way, and pray you don't encounter us again."

Lightning pierced the sky ahead of me as I kicked off and dashed down Main Street once again.

It was only then that I went down off my adrenaline high enough to realize my dislocated shoulder was smarting something _fierce_ from what I'd forced it to do during the fight. To this day in Loguetown, it is said that the resulting _storm_ of cussing that followed was a force strong enough to rival even the thunderstorm.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 _-Elsewhere on the island…-_

Fonti and Hatchan stared with twin sweatdrops at the burning hole in the ship before them.

"How in the name of Goda did we get this lucky?" the Fishman Karate master wondered, gazing dumbfounded.

Hatchan rubbed his face awkwardly. "Well, I suppose our epic escape plan doesn't even matter now, huh…?"

"Seriously, though, have you ever heard of lightning striking the side of a ship in just the right way to let out two prisoners who were already planning to escape? Right before they were going to be taken to the Marines?"

Mystified, Hatchan shook his head. "Nope. Usually, once you're in chains in the warships, it's game over, nyuuu."

"Well, uh… Do you think we should just take this chance and go?"

"Yeah, I suppose, nyuu… but what about Arlong and the others? Should we save them, too?"

Fonti considered this. "No, they actually deserve to be locked up. We never actually did much to Nami or the others, though. Let's just leave them and go follow our dreams."

"Alright, nyuu."

Heads still reeling with the insane luck they'd just had, Hatchan and Fonti leaped out of the ship and onto the empty harbor, looked twice both ways, then dashed off to a safe location, the ball-and-chains around their ankles dragging behind them the whole way.


	10. I Accidentally Chemistry

**A/N:** I decided to change the style of chapter titles in the story a bit ago, which is why if you look at the story on FFN, all the chapter titles are different than they are here. I am not sure how to edit threadmarks here, yet, so I may end up just going through and deleting each mark and then redoing it with the correct, new chapter title. Just thought I should explain why they're going to all be sardonic wit from now on

Also, I'd like to give a HUGE shoutout to EXNativo for editing this and correcting my little mistakes! If for some reason you haven't yet read any of his stuff, you definitely should. He's also got his own SI, Will-Powered, which is really insanely good and which I've been editing for him. If you like _Ripples in the Pond_ , you'll definitely like _Will-Powered,_ so go check it out!

Also also, Happy New Year's! Have an enormous plot twist!

 **Disclaimer:** That lawsuit didn't work out to well, so I still don't have rights to the plot/characters of One Piece.

* * *

Chapter 9: I Accidentally Chemistry

:: NOJIKO ::

Nojiko had thought that she'd be entirely bored while waiting for the others to get back. However, in that, as in so many things over the past week, she'd been wrong.

When the guy with the ridiculous chest hair and his massive lion came up to the _Going Merry_ a couple hours into their visit, the Cocoyashi native had immediately recognized a possible threat. She lay in hiding in the tangerine bushes on top of their ship, spying on the strange duo through the beloved plants. The man and his lion were quite the sight. Nojiko narrowed her eyes, wondering what they were doing examining the _Merry_ , as well as why the hairy person had decided that a lion was a good pet to have. She wasn't a pet expert, but somehow the King of the Jungle didn't seem like an animal you'd want to have by your side.

As it turned out, though, she didn't have to wait long for the answer to her first question. The strange man began _talking to his lion_ out of nowhere.

"So, this is the Straw Hats' ship?" he mused, eyes roaming the length of the caravel. "At least it looks like an actual boat, unlike what I remember..."

Nojiko, crouching in the tangerine bushes, raised her eyebrow. This guy knew her friends? They must've run across him on a previous island.

"Richie, you remember why we came here, don't you?" the hairy man spoke up, looking down at his pet lion. "I, Mohji, have been ordered by Buggy-sama to burn the damn Straw Hats' ship! We should probably get a move on, though… the sky looks like it's going to open up on us at any second, and that won't be good for us. Do you remember the last time we disappointed Buggy-sama?"

A half-growl, half-whimper rose up from the lion.

"Yeah, that was embarrassing," Mohji said, shivering. "The crew wouldn't stop teasing me about my choice of undergarments for weeks!"

 _Buggy, Buggy…_ Nojiko ran through a list of East Blue bounty posters in her mind. The guy was clearly talking about a pirate crew, so this "Buggy-sama" was probably the ship captain. And the name felt very familiar to her - - she swore she'd seen his name among the wanted pirates before. After a few moments of thinking, she at last recalled a picture of a clown with an outrageously big red nose, accompanied with a bounty of 15,000,000 belli. If she remembered the description right, he was supposed to have the powers of the Chop-Chop Fruit, making him the anti-swordsman.

Nojiko sweatdropped. _What's a moron like that doing trying to attack our crew?_ she wondered flatly. _Well, in any case, I can't let this bastard burn_ Merry _. I'll need my weapons._

Keeping an eye on Mohji, Nojiko slipped away from the tangerine orchard and dropped silently to the deck while the hairy pirate continued talking with his lion. Sidling along the wall as quietly as she could, she swept into the ladies' cabin and ran over to her bed. Her crate of weapons stood by her bedside. She opened it and grabbed a few guns, as well as a massive scythe, two knives, and a pair of sai. All of these she strapped to her body under her shirt, except for the scythe, which simply was strapped on her back. Then she dashed outside, no longer caring if Mohji and Richie the Lion heard her or not.

Tearing across the deck, Nojiko reached behind her, grabbed the scythe, and unsheathed it. At the same time, she planted one foot on the railing facing the shore and leaped off the _Merry_ , on a direct collision course with Mohji and Richie. The pair whirled around to her with jaws dropping in surprise; they had clearly thought all of the Straw Hats were out on the town.

"Infinite-Weapons Style!" she shouted, cocking her scythe back behind her as she fell through the air to the unlikely pair. " _Air Raid!_ "

"RUN, RICHIE!" screamed a terrified Mohji, and the lion padded away just in time for the two to avoid getting sliced up by an enormous, red scythe.

Nojiko fell lightly to the ground, skidding a few feet until she came to a stop. She spun about, sheathing her scythe and reaching beneath her shirt. From a couple holsters strapped to her stomach, the wanted woman pulled out a pair of twin pistols, unlocking the safety. Both of these she pointed at Mohji and Richie, who backed away instinctively.

"Y-You…" gasped Mohji, eyes wide as dinner plated. "I recognize you from the wanted posters! You're 'Tattooed Rogue' Nojiko, worth ten million belli."

She cocked the pistols with a cold glare. "And you're trying to burn my crew's ship. Leave now and I'll let you go uninjured, but stay, and I can't promise that will remain true."

For a moment, Mohji and the pet lion looked at each other, as though greatly considering.

Then they chickened out and turned tail, running down the shore to safety.

Nojiko sweatdropped and pocketed her guns. Well, that had been a bit of a letdown. She'd almost been hoping that they stay and fight, so she could get some practice against actual opponents in. Sparring against Genzo was all well and good, but she'd never actually _fought_ anyone before. She knew she needed at least some experience before they entered the Grand Line. It wouldn't be that good if she ended up the only one remaining in a fight with a Grand Line crew, and she hadn't even been in a real battle before.

"Well, back to the drawing board it is, then," she sighed, and was just about to climb back aboard the ship when she heard the cocking of many rifles behind her.

She groaned and turned around, annoyed.

"What is it now?" she asked of no one in particular.

"'Tattooed Rogue' Nojiko!" someone said, and a line of Marine soldiers came into view, their rifles all pointed directly at her. "You're under arrest for piracy and revolting against the World Government!"

Nojiko blinked. Where the hell had these guys come from? Well, at least she could actually get that practice that she'd been desiring in.

"Under arrest?" Nojiko asked, cocking her eyebrow and smirking. "I think you all are mistaken. See, someone's only under arrest if you actually _capture_ them. And I don't see any chains around my wrists, do you?"

"Surrender peacefully, and no one has to get hurt!" the squadron's leader barked.

The blue-haired woman sighed and reached beneath her shirt again, withdrawing from her weapon straps a miniature machine gun. "You guys just don't get it, do you?" she chided them, clucking her tongue. "Well, it's your own hospital bills you're signing. Infinite-Weapons Style…"

Twenty rifles fired at once, but at the same instant, Nojiko suddenly leaped out of the Marines' line of sight, reappearing in the air seven feet off the ground.

" _Firing Squad_!"

The machine gun unloaded upon the Marines, dropping eight of them in one round before Nojiko had even landed. Her finger still on the trigger, it clicked emptily, and the pirate sighed before tossing it over her shoulder unceremoniously and taking out her sai. A smirk played out across her lips as the Marines put away their rifles and withdrew their standard issue swords. The squadron leader shouted some orders at his subordinates, and the average baddies swarmed her, shouting out battle cries.

 _Perfect_.

"Infinite-Weapons Style: Shadow Army!" she bellowed, and leaped into the fray, sai flashing through the air. The first couple Marines dropped like flies, and before their friends even knew what happened, she was already in their midst, ducking and weaving through their ranks like a fly. Any swords that strayed too close to her skin, she blocked with one sai, then slammed the flat side of the other into the opposing soldier. The poor men barely had any time to react. She was simply too quick, cartwheeling over some of them and disappearing behind others, at every opportunity knocking another Marine unconscious.

Someone came swiping at her, and Nojiko ducked under the blade, returning it with a mean strike of her sai to the man's chin. He toppled into two of his friends heavily. The friends then rushed at her together, but she freed a few fingers from her weapons and gripped the shoulders of their uniforms, kicking off the ground and flipping behind them. Before they could fully turn around, she stabbed her sai into their backs, and they crumpled forward to the ground.

After a couple more minutes of this kind of fighting, the final Marine solider present finally dropped, unable to fight any longer. Nojiko, huffing heavily, stood still in the middle of the pile of unconscious Marines while she caught her breath. She tucked her sai back into their appropriate sheath under her shirt, then stepped gingerly across the sleeping soldiers to where she'd tossed her miniature machine gun. She tucked that back in its place, too, glancing up at the sky as she did so. It was getting disturbingly cloudy, the air cooling considerably as the wind started to pick up.

"Looks like a storm's brewing something fierce," she observed with a frown. Just minutes ago, it had been all clear skies. What the hell was up with Mother Nature today?

"NOJIKO!"

Spinning around to the direction of Main Street at the sound of her name, Nojiko noticed Nami and Usopp dashing madly to her, the latter clutching what looked like some kind of ginormous, strange fish. She had to gape a while to take in the sheer size of the aquatic animal. It was at least as long as the man carrying it was tall!

"Oh, hey, Nami and Usopp," she said, unable to take her slightly disturbed eyes off of the very conspicuous fish Usopp lugged towards her.

The sniper's eyes fell on the Marines lying unconscious behind her, then nearly bugged out of their sockets. "Holy crap!" he gasped, choking and nearly dropping the fish. "What happened here!?"

"Well, these guys came trying to arrest me," Nojiko said, scratching her head, "though I assume they really were trying to destroy the ship and got distracted when they saw me. There was also some guy and his lion from the Buggy Pirates trying to burn _Merry_ , whom I scared off as well."

"Did you do all of that?" Nami said in shock, motioning to the downed soldiers.

She stood proudly, smirking. "Yep! Sure did!"

"Whoa… Didn't know you were so good. In any case, the Buggy Pirates are here because their captain's trying to kill Luffy on the execution platform. Zoro and Sanji are trying to save Luffy right now, and I have no idea where Evan is. We need to get everything we've got here aboard the _Going Merry_ , then cast off and wait for the others as soon as possible, because you can bet that the rest of the Marines are going to be right on their tail."

Nojiko nodded her understanding. "Gotcha. Let's get that done, then."

They stored the seven bags of clothes Nami carried in the girls' cabin for now, not having time to hang up all of the various items in their respective places. They placed the giant fish - - which was apparently some kind of "blue-fin elephant tuna," not that she'd ever heard of the species until Usopp mentioned its name - - in the supply room, then rushed to get the ship ready to go out to sea and drop anchor. Before they could get moving, however, Usopp, who had scrambled up to the lookout's post, suddenly said, "Oi! There's some weird, white monkey with shopping bags trying to get our attention!"

"A monkey?" Nami said skeptically, raising her eyebrow as she worked on unfurling the sails.

Usopp shrugged, like _dude, I got nothing_. "I'm just as confused as you are!"

Nojiko peered over the ship's railing, looking at the shopping bags the monkey carried. _Evan Johnson_ was scrawled over them all in black pen. It was clearly Evan's precise handwriting. She frowned, then shouted back to the others, "I think Evan bought it or something! It looks like those shopping bags it's carrying are his!"

"A _monkey_!?" Nami roared. "Seriously, the only way he could have been more cliché is if he bought a parrot! Well, get it on board, I guess."

"Right!"

They lowered the gangplank for the monkey, who ran aboard the ship and set down the bags, then, as the sky at last opened up and started pouring… it _bowed_ to Nojiko?

She gaped. What the _hell_? Somehow, Nojiko could just tell that this day was only going to get weirder…

* * *

Dashing down the streets of town, I ran through the canon events of Loguetown after the execution platform incident in my mind. We made it through Buggy's attempt to execute Luffy with minimal injury (my shoulder screamed in protest), and we'd just encountered Tashigi. Next should be the patron saint of nicotine addicts everywhere, Smoker himself, and after him… _Dragon_.

Meeting Dragon was something that both excited me and terrified me. If I played my cards right, I could totally avert the War of the Best now, which was something I'd decided upon doing since the very moment I joined the Straw Hats. If I played them wrong, however, he might suspect that something's up, and the results of _that_ might not be all that pretty. One thing I definitely didn't want him to suspect was me having intimate knowledge of this world's future.

Pressing forward, breathing hard, I peered ahead through the darkness and the rain in search of Luffy, Sanji, and possibly a whole bunch of white smoke. After a few more minutes, I felt a large wind opposite that of the rest of the storm, which caused me to lift up my hands instinctually. Once it was done, I lowered my arms and noticed a huge cloud of billowing smoke several feet from me. It seemed to be attached to a pair of human legs at the bottom and a person's upper body at the top. Said upper body was Smoker's, of course, and in his hands he clenched one Monkey D. Luffy, who looked entirely weirded out and who struggled against his grip defiantly.

My knees trembled. _The dude was made of smoke!_ It was one thing seeing it in the show, but Oda really couldn't justify just how _wrong_ Logia transformations were in the manga. It felt so _weird_ seeing a person who was half-smoke in real life. My eyes kept telling my brain, "The bastard's made of smoke!" and my brain shot right back, "Dude, take some time at the shrinker!"

How the hell was I meant to face someone like that and live!?

My knees shaking, I halted and pointed a trembling finger up at Smoker. "O-Oi, you Marine bastard, let go of my captain!"

Ah, yes, that was how. Be utterly _stupid_.

Smoker glared down at me, regarding me with an air of contempt that could only come from a Marine looking at a pirate. He bore an intimidating face, the contours cut sharply and squarely. His eyes were dark and calculating, his scowl fearsome and full of warning. His lips parted and he said in a gravelly voice, "You… you're the one I saw using Geppo in the square."

"Geppo?" I said, confusion distracting me from my fear. I tilted my head. "Wait, what? No, no, that was my Devil Fruit power. I ate the Tempest-Tempest Fruit."

"Anyway, what do you want?" he growled. "I'm busy."

I gulped. Oh, right, I was a pirate without haki and with no real plan of how to defeat a man made of smoke, and I had drawn his attention just before he'd been about to slam Luffy into the street. "Ah… um… y-you see… That's my captain there, and, um… y-you'd better let him go or… I'll fight you and one of us is gonna get _seriously_ hurt!"

He narrowed his eyes, a lion sizing up his prey, and I definitely did not squeak like a mouse. "So you're with these _pirates_ after all?" He spat the word 'pirates' like he was talking about gum on the bottom of his shoe. "Who exactly is going to get hurt if we fight?" he added rhetorically.

"…Me," I said in a very, very small voice, quailed by the pure _danger_ emanating from Smoker.

Luffy managed to twist his head around so that he was looking down at me, his concerned countenance making my frown deepen. "EVAN!" he cried, worry piercing in his voice. "GO WITH SANJI AND RUN! YOU'RE NO MATCH FOR THIS GUY!"

I bit my lower lip, not liking that choice but at the same time liking it very much. "But… w-what about you, Luffy?"

"I'LL CATCH UP IN A BIT!"

Smoker's words came in a feline growl. "Didn't you hear me, Straw Hat?" he drawled, his eyes blazing into Luffy's. "None of your crew are advancing a single nautical mile past this island! This is the end, pirate!"

Before I could react, Smoker pulled back and then shot down as if from a cannon, sailing in a descent faster than terminal velocity. There came an almighty _SMASH!_ as Luffy's body connected with the cobblestones, and the street shattered beneath the force of the descent. Dust kicked up into the air, the wind rushing it away within a split second. Luffy coughed for air, and although he looked like he was in pain from the seastone-tipped jutte that Smoker was pressing against his neck, the fall itself hadn't seemed to hurt him at all. Thank the Lord for Devil Fruits and their absolute bullshit abilities!

"RUN!" Luffy ordered, again, squirming under Smoker's grip, but I swallowed a lump in my throat and sent my thoughts out to the rain.

"Sorry, captain," I grunted while squeezing my eyes shut in concentration, "but I can't let him try to beat you."

Smoker glared up at me, rain dripping off his cheeks. I blinked at that - - if he was intangible, shouldn't he not be wet right now? How come he was still wet when Luffy's hands, which were trying to unclasp Smoker's from his neck, passed right through the Captain's?

My eyes widened, and an inkling of a plan started to form in the back of my head.

 _Please work, please work, please work!_ I mentally begged.

I reached down to my belt and pulled my nunchakus out, holding them out in front of me. The pounding rain started coiling through the air at them. A miniscule sheet of water covered each pair of nunchakus, then as I bit my lip in concentration, forcing it to do my bidding so hard my brain actually started hurting, the water molecules sank between those of the Drunken Iron from which the nunchakus were forged. Once the water molecules were intertwined with the nunchakus deeply enough to satisfy me, I opened my eyes again, gasping in pain; my brain felt feverish, my vision swimming.

I did _not_ feel good; in fact, it felt like at any second, I could fall unconscious, but at least I had weapons that may or may not be able to touch Smoker.

"O-Oi, you oversized cigar!" I shouted as Smoker raised his jutte to finish off Luffy. I took off on a run, moving my right arm back for a swing, and then swiped forward at Smoker's face as he glanced at me again. On the spot, I shouted, "Tempest Chardonnay!"

 _SMACK!_

Somehow… some-freaking-how, the nunchaku _connected_ _with Smoker's face_.

The Marine Captain grunted in surprise. His hand momentarily weakened its grip on Luffy's neck, and the straw-hatted boy wriggled away, scrambling to his feet and backing away down the street while staring at me in wide-eyed excitement.

"Whoa, that was cool!" he gasped, staring at my nunchakus. "How did those things hurt him?"

"Uh… well… I guess I kinda… made them to be like Smoker's weapon…?"

In all truthfulness, I had really not expected my idea to work, especially with how little progress I'd been making in hardening water this past week. Basically, how the attack had worked was that due to everything being composed of molecules, there's ridiculously small amounts of empty space in each object. I used this to slip the water molecules between those of the nunchakus (the part that I _wasn't_ holding onto, of course). Then I did a little bit of shifting around until they were integrated with the very Drunken Iron itself. _Throughout that process_ , I assumed, regarding my new weapons with awe myself, _I must have accidentally created a new substance similar to seastone. Sea-iron, maybe?_

Whatever the case, it was freaking _awesome_!

"That doesn't look like seastone," observed Smoker, narrowing his eyes at my nunchakus. "Did you use haki?"

"What-i?" Luffy tilted his head, confused.

A sudden spark of confidence brimming within me, despite the fact that I felt as though I would black out any second, I stood tall and slid into a fighting stance. "No, I can't use that yet! Don't even know how to unlock it! But I _do_ have Devil Fruit bullshit, and unluckily for you, quantitative bullshit is the Straw Hat specialty!"

To his credit, Smoker's resultant stare was completely nonplussed. "Bullshit application doesn't make up for skill," he pointed out, turning into a huge cloud of smoke that billowed around us. And just like that, my streak of confidence was shot, stabbed 37 times in the chest, and buried six feet under.

" _Mommy_ ," I whimpered, biting my thumbnail heroically.

Luffy looked wildly about for a place to run to. "Crap, what do we do!?" he wondered, squinting through the rain.

And then, just as Smoker began to shoot out at us with fists that were starting to turn black, a thick arm draped in an emerald green sleeve shot out from nowhere and grabbed the Marine's. The giant cloud of smoke still swirling in the air, Smoker froze mid-attack and looked over his shoulder. It was hard to tell whether the wetness building on his cheeks was sweat, the rain, or both.

"Y-You," Smoker grunted, the barest hint of a nervous stutter entering his voice. "The whole world's after your head."

Luffy blinked, shielding his eyes from the rain as he tried to look past Smoker. "The storm's too heavy! Who is it, who is it?"

A bolt of lightning pierced the air somewhere far away, illuminating the sky. For just a moment, the man's shadowy form was revealed to us: a person swathed in an emerald cloak, with a red tattoo running down one cheek. My eyes shot wide in surprise. His face was squarish, and his jaw heavy-set... but other than those features, it was as though I was staring directly into a much older version of my captain.

"Whoa!" Luffy gasped, his eyes bugging out. "I'm staring at mystery me!"

I walloped him up the back of his head with the palm of my hand, and the action caused him to do an impromptu bobble-head impression. "No way, you moron!" I glanced through the storm. "Hey, you're a Revolutionary, aren't you?" I called, the rising force of the storm nearly whipping my words away.

I felt two eyes bear deeply into me. "What of it?" came the softly dangerous voice of Dragon.

Cupping my hands in front of my mouth, I shouted, "Send the top hat to the rebelling desert! Answers wait for him there!" (The riddle was for two reasons: Both Luffy and Smoker were present, and also because aren't all oracles supposed to be vague and mysterious anyway?)

Luffy tilted his head, way past the point of confusion. "Whaaaaa?"

Smoker simply glared at me with narrowed eyes.

For a moment, the street was silent, save for the roaring of the storm. Then… "I'll keep that in mind."

And then, inexplicably… the whole world became wind.

Oi, don't look at me like that! There's no other words to properly describe how everything can be all well and dandy - - or at least as well and dandy as the storm of the century can get - - one minute, and then wind so strong I was literally lifted up _into the air_ the next. Now, I'd never been exactly _broad_ , but I still had a decent amount of meat on my bones, and hadn't ever been the type to go spinning crazily with the wind. So when my feet suddenly weren't touching… well, anything, and I was spinning through space at an insane enough speed to discombobulate a washing machine, I was more than a little scared out of my mind.

Flight by windstorm, I learned that day, wasn't very good for dislocated shoulders or feverish brains, either.

I must've blacked out at last, because the next thing I knew, Luffy was standing over me, my cheek smarting something fierce. His hand was raised back as if to slap me, and I distantly wondered exactly _what_ his method of waking me up had been. More importantly, though, was the fact that I was no longer so dizzy that "up" felt nonexistent, so I sat up Indian-style, rubbing my head. Somehow, we were back on the _Merry_ , and when I looked off the starboard side, I saw the last dregs of Loguetown retreating into the shadows of the storm.

"What the hell happened?" I asked, my feverish brain screaming for a nice, long nap.

Luffy laughed and shrugged. "Hell if I know! You were talking with that cloaked mystery me, then everything became wind, and now we're here!"

See? I'm not crazy; even Luffy agrees with my description of the storm!

I looked around the ship for signs of white fur. "Did a vervet monkey carrying a bunch of shopping bags make it aboard?" I asked, tilting my head.

Nojiko stepped up to me, looking slightly disgruntled. "Yeah, he's clinging to my back," she said flatly, and as if on cue, a familiar, furry head popped up from over her shoulder with a happy screech.

"Oh, hey, King!" I said with a grin.

Usopp did a double-take. "Wait, you mean, you actually know him?"

"Yeah, he's my new partner. Everyone, meet King Kong. King Kong, meet everyone. He'd also like to become a member of our crew, wouldn't you, King?"

The monkey nodded, something akin to a smile spreading across his face.

"You fine with that, Luffy?" I asked.

The rubber-brained captain shrugged. "I don't see why not."

The monkey whooped and hollered and bowed vigorously to my captain. His hands beat out some rapid sign language, and I mentally translated them. "He says that he's very grateful and will ensure you don't regret your decision," I said once he was done.

Usopp's jaw dropped. "What the - - how did he do that sign language just now!?"

"Devil Fruit," I said woodenly.

"…Oh."

"Anyway, how did we make it aboard the ship? The last thing I remember was spinning about in that crazy-ass gust of wind."

"Yeah," grumbled Zoro, casting a withering glare at Luffy, "and then Luffy decided a perfectly reasonable why to get you and I aboard would be to use _Gum-Gum Rocket_ to blast us over the ocean!"

…Ohhhhh, so _that_ was why my shoulder seemed like it had been forcefully relocated. And why my back was now screaming in agony like an eighty-year-old man on de-littering duty.

I sent Luffy a deep glower. "You. Did not. Do that. Without my consent. Did you?"

His grin twitched. "…Maybe?"

"COME HERE, YOU LITTLE PUNK, AND TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN!"

"AAAARGH! HELP!"

If the Benny Hill theme song again started playing on my iPod, I didn't even pay it any mind as I chased Luffy around the _Going Merry_. I was already exhausted from exerting myself in Loguetown, though, and soon was slowing to a halt, bending my knees as I hunched over, panting. "I need… to get in shape…" I moaned, steadying myself against the outside walls of the cabins with my hand.

Luffy cackled in glee, now dangling by his legs from the yarn high up in the air. "Ha, I win!"

King Kong leaped into my field of vision, carrying a big load of… _something_ , and then threw it through the rain up to where my captain swung.

 _SPLOT_.

"ARGGGH, I HAVE MONKEY CRAP IN MY MOUTH!" cried a thoroughly disgusted Luffy as he fell to the deck.

I stared with wide eyes at King. "…Whoa, nice one. I'd high five you, but… yeah."

"No problem, partner," King signed as he turned around, smirking at me mischievously. "It's the least I could do."

" _SO… YOU MENTIONED YOU NEEDED TO GET IN SHAPE?_ "

A mess of green hair sauntered up to me, a deadly smirk played out across Zoro's lips, and I backed _way_ up.

The green-haired swordsman licked his lips sadistically. " _I could help with that_ ," he offered with a predatory glint in his eyes.

"NO!" I yelped, waving my hands desperately in front of me. "IT'S ALRIGHT, YOU DON"T HAVE TO WASTE YOUR TIME ON ME!"

Nojiko smirked. "What's wrong, don't think you can handle a little training?"

"Lady," I deadpanned, "you don't know the half of what this demon's capable of."

"Hey, don't you know that women know everything!?" snapped Sanji, bopping his foot over my head. I rubbed the now-sore spot, disgruntled.

The _Merry_ bobbed over a particularly large wave. There came the sound of several crates slamming against walls, and we all struggled to keep our balance except for Sanji and Nami. The ship was tilting something fierce, and I felt my stomach dropping with the ship's movement. Just as it seemed that the _Going Merry_ would capsize, however, a mighty splash resounded across the swelling ocean and the caravel righted itself.

"Whoa!" Usopp said, his mouth in an elongated _o_ of surprise. "It feels like the ship's gonna turn over on itself."

Nami looked out to sea, squinting, and then shouted in joyous exclamation. "Aha! See that lighthouse off to port?"

We all glanced in the corresponding direction, taking note of the sweeping beams of light that illuminated the many drops of rain falling from the sky. "Yeah," Zoro said, shrugging. "What of it?"

A grin spread across the navigator's lips, her eyes twinkling. "That's called the Light of Guidance," she said.

My eyes widened. "Wait, you mean, that's the signal that the entrance to the Grand Line is just beyond, right?"

"Wicked," Sanji breathed, running over to the edge of the boat, steadying himself against the railing, and looking out in the direction of the lighthouse. For a moment, he stared out in wonder, then grinned at us. "So we've nearly reached the Grand Line, haven't we?" He disappeared into the storage cabin for a moment, then came out with a huge, empty barrel that he sat on the middle of the deck. "This calls for a celebration!"

That caught Luffy's ears. "A celebration?" he repeated, grinning.

Usopp held up a shaking hand. "H-Hold on… don't you guys think that entering the Grand Line in a storm like this is a little…?"

But we ignored him, gathering around the barrel with excitement. Nojiko stood to the right of Nami, I stood to the right of Nojiko, and King hopped up on my shoulder, his tail swinging back and forth like a dog's.

"To find the All Blue," intoned Sanji, resting his foot on the top of the barrel.

Luffy followed suit, cracking his knuckles. "To become the King of the Pirates."

Next came Zoro, brimming with confidence. "To kill Mihawk and earn the title of Greatest Swordsman!"

"To draw a map of the world!" declared Nami, placing her foot next to Zoro's.

Nojiko was next in line, a beautiful smile spreading across her face. "To master every weapon!"

"To write the absolute best story the world's ever seen!" I shouted, grinning.

King Kong, not being tall enough to actually put one foot on the barrel himself, simply jumped off my shoulder and onto the center of the lid. "To find and rescue all of my friends, and become the strongest monkey!" he signed.

"Oh, what the hell," Usopp sighed. Then he stood proud next to me as well, letting his dream roar into the heavens as he placed his foot on the barrel. "TO BECOME A BRAVE WARRIOR OF THE SEA!"

As one, everyone (except King Kong, who could not speak but instead signed it) shouted, "WE SAIL… TO THE GRAND LINE!"

All seven of us humans raised our feet high into the air, and King leaped into the sky. For a moment, the world seemed to hold its breath. Then - -

 _SMASH_.

The barrel collapsed into splinters and firewood, King Kong leaping from the middle of the wreckage back to my shoulder. Unstoppable pride and excitement bubbled up in my gut. At that moment, I knew, whatever changes I'd make, however absolutely _crazily_ I messed up the plot of the series, none of it would matter. The only thing that _did_ matter was that I had friends; that I was setting sail on the journey of a lifetime, the kind that most people could only _dream_ they could go on. But me? I was _living_ that dream.

I… was undoubtedly a Straw Hat Pirate.

* * *

 _Loguetown_

The rain beat down all around him, soaking him despite his cloak. Wind battered his face, and discombobulated Marines were slowly beginning to stand up in the streets far below him. But standing on the house's roof, Monkey D. Dragon cared not one iota for any of these details. The only things his focus was on was the small caravel that retreated victoriously into the distance on the path to the world's deadliest sea, and the unusual man who it carried.

" _The top hat_ …" mused Dragon, eyes narrowed. " _The rebelling desert_ … that man…"

Lightning cracked behind him, momentarily illuminating the sky. His scowl deepened, and he looked up to the sky with a glare that could curdle milk. Everything about that boy standing with his son had risen Dragon's shackles on end, everything about him screaming that he _didn't belong here_. And in all of Dragon's life, the only times he'd ever gotten that feeling from anyone had all led back to one single source.

"Just what are you playing at this time, _JOY BOY!?"_


	11. Pass Reverse Mountain, Collect 200 Belli

**A/N:** I apologize for the short delay. School and Splatoon got in the way of me writing. I cracked down today, however, and managed to finish the chapter. I hope you all enjoy the fruits of my labor! They're very tasty, you should really try some. Once again, I'd like to offer a huge shout-out to EXNativo for helping me edit this, and I'd like to direct you all to his fic, Will-Powered, for some very interesting reading in between updates of _Ripples in the Pond_. Trust me, it's a pretty solid SI.

 **Disclaimer:** I tried to steal the copyright to _One Piece._ However, I discovered that the very fragile document which I took into my possession was actually a trapped copy that burnt in my hands as I hauled ass out of Brooklyn, a phrase which here means I still don't own _One Piece_.

* * *

Chapter 10: Pass Reverse Mountain, Collect 200 Belli

Pro tip for those aspiring to visit the Grand Line: Do not do so if you have any form of motion sickness.

The storm coming out of Loguetown was so vicious and furious that I found myself struggling to keep from puking, and normally, I was perfectly fine on boats and rollercoasters. I could even read in the car on windy roads and not get carsick! However, that storm was really a whole new breed of crazy. Rain constantly pounded down on our poor little caravel, and we had a never-ending fight to keep it from capsizing. Usopp and Sanji manned the rudder together, while I worked on blowing away any waves that had come too close with my Tempest-Tempest powers. Thoroughly soaked to the skin, I hastily followed any orders that Nami shouted at us, dashing about here and there to help out where I could.

After about half an hour out at sea, Luffy shouted from the figurehead, "Oi, the lighthouse went out!"

"Don't worry about it!" Nami replied, one hand raised flat above her eyes to shield them from the rain. "It's alright for it to do that from time to time. And anyway, we don't need that Guiding Light to show us the way - - not with me around. You can bet that I'll lead us safely to the entrance of the Grand Line!"

"You're pretty dependable," I observed, swallowing down a sudden rise of bile from my stomach.

The ginger grinned. "Of course I am. I'm the world's best navigator, after all!"

"Definitely!" agreed Luffy. "All of my friends are the best!"

"Heh, thanks. In any case, I want everyone to meet up in the mess room. We need to have a meeting about what happens from here until the Grand Line."

"Oh, thank the Lord," I gasped, clutching my stomach. "I've been wanting to sit down for the past twenty minutes…"

Everyone gathered together in the mess room, sitting around our table with various degrees of wetness. Usopp and Sanji, due to not having been out in the storm as much as the rest of us, were the two driest Straw Hats, although the floor around them was still getting somewhat damper the longer they sat on their chairs. I shook my head like a dog, and water flung _everywhere_.

"So, what's up?" Nojiko asked with a small smile. "Why'd you call us all in here, Nami?"

King Kong, whose soaked fur stank something fierce, beat out a quick message with his hands. "Yeah, is something the matter?"

"Well, you see," Nami began, digging around in her pocket before extracting a map and unrolling it upon the table, "according to every rumor I've ever heard - - and this map confirms them - - the entrance to the Grand Line… is a mountain."

For a second, the room was silent as this information was processed.

"A mountain?" Zoro said skeptically.

Usopp's jaw dropped and his head tilted in disbelief. "Huh-whaaaa? How's that possible? What are we supposed to do, blast through it?"

"Oh, we'll make it - - just use more dakka!" I joked half-heartedly. An upset stomach doesn't exactly make being the Funny Guy very easy.

Nami rolled her eyes. "Ha ha, very funny. I get you guys' disbelief, though. I couldn't quite wrap my own head around it the first time it was mentioned to me, either. But this map of the Grand Line proves it; we've been following that Guiding Light straight to the Red Line, specifically this part of it here." Her finger descended upon a rounded out part of the Red Line that lay in the middle, where five lines cut it apart horizontally. "It's called Reverse Mountain."

King Kong's eyes lit up, and he screeched as he jumped up and down excitedly.

Everyone's eyes fell on him. "What's gotten into your monkey, Evan?" wondered Sanji with a sweatdrop.

With everyone's attention now on King, the vervet monkey picked up his sign language again. He leaped onto the table so everyone could get a good look, and we all tilted our heads.

"He's saying…" I began to translate, rubbing my chin despite not actually having a beard. "He's saying that several years ago, he entered the Grand Line with his old crew, and they sailed up these massive canals that flowed up the mountain. It wasn't that hard. They just had to steer the ship into the canal and then the water did the rest for them."

Zoro scoffed. "Massive canals flowing up the mountain? That's not possible."

"I dunno…" Sanji rubbed his chin. "That's so crazy, it just might be true. After all, that sounds downright tame compared to some of the rumors I've heard about that sea. Some of the old sea salts who used to visit the Baratie told some pretty whacked stories."

A nervous frown overtook King's face.

As he signed out some more, I relayed the message to the rest of the crew. "He says that while his crew was there, it started raining cats and dogs once… like, literal cats and dogs." My jaw slackened for a minute as I imagined that. "Wait, what the hell…"

Usopp shivered violently and scooted closer to Zoro. "I suddenly don't want to go to this sea very much," he whimpered.

Nojiko frowned. "So, we're supposed to cross a mountain to enter the world's most dangerous sea? If that's just the entrance, I'd hate to see what the rest of it looks like."

"Mile-wide streams of water that blast ten thousand meters into the air," I offered, counting off my fingers, "enormous Sea Kings that can pop up at any time, weather striking randomly and in completely insane conditions, pirate crews where even the smallest names have Devil Fruit-eating captains, islands with different seasons… Anything you can think of, the Grand Line's probably had it for much, much longer."

" _Scary!_ " cried Usopp, shivering in terror.

Nojiko shrugged, a grin spreading across her face. "Look at it this way - - rough situations will turn us into badasses."

"Quick question: why can't we just sail south into it?" asked Zoro with a flat stare, like, _duh_.

"Because Mother Nature is a bitch?" I offered.

"...Well, he's not wrong," Nami mumbled to herself, her eye twitching. Her voice rose as she spoke up to us. "There's a very good reason why one can't simply sail into the Grand Line."

"BECAUSE WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!" barked Luffy.

Everyone stared at him.

"...What does that have to do with anything?" signed King, his eyes half-lidded. He looked so hilariously unimpressed that I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing, and I managed to choke down the giggles long enough to relay the question to the rest of the crew.

Sanji rolled his eyes. "Hell if I know what goes on in Luffy's brain…"

" _Anyway_ ," sighed Nami despairingly, "the reason we can't enter the Grand Line without crossing Reverse Mountain is that on either side of it, enormous lines of ocean called the Calm Belts separate it from the rest of the Blue Seas." Luffy frowned and made to ask a question, but Nami cut him off and raise an annoyed hand. "Nope, wait I'm getting there." Luffy closed his mouth and the navigator sighed again. "They're called 'Calm Belts' because within them, there is absolutely no sea current or wind."

"We have rows," pointed out Usopp. "We could just row across."

Nojiko took things up from Nami at this point. "Nope, not if what Nami's told me about them are true. These Calm Belts aren't just impossible to cross because they're windless and current-less." She furrowed her brow. "Is that a word? I feel like that isn't a word."

"It's not," I supplied.

She groaned in a _not again_ manner, accompanied by a chuckle. "Well, in any case, the main reason no one can enter the Grand Line by sea is - -"

And then the ship _lurched_.

"W-w-w-w-what's going on!?" cried a terrified Usopp as he clenched the table so hard his knuckles were turning white. "It feels like we're g-going…" His face turned white as a sheet. " _Uuuup_?"

King Kong, meanwhile, started jumping up and down, screeching in terror. If his fur could've turned any whiter, I'm sure it would've. Sadly, science doesn't work like that, despite what Niagra Falls might tell you about its surviving cats. Even sadder, at that moment, my ADD-induced thoughts were abruptly cut off as the renewed shaking of the _Going Merry_ meant that my lunch could stay in my stomach no longer.

"Urp!" I choked, trying to hold it down until I could make it somewhere safe to puke. "Guys, hold on, I'm gonna _rk_ … er, gonna chuck my lunch."

"Bathroom's - -" Nojiko began to say, but I was already halfway out the door.

"I KNOW WHERE THE FREAKING BATHROOM - - _GURK_ \- - IS!"

While I stumbled out, I heard Usopp mutter, "Huh, the storm's stopped…"

Honestly, I didn't mean to shout, but feeling sick does bad things to my emotional control. This is probably why I got a very low C on my Advanced Algebra exam in my freshman year, despite being nearly as skilled in mathematics as I am at writing. Freakin' allergies - - it's not my fault I used up that entire tissue box!

In any case, the moment I made it out of the mess hall, the reason for our sudden ascension was quite clear: _Sea Kings_. _Massive_ ones. Like, I think that pink one with the fuzzy rings around its neck was literally as big as the Empire State Building.

For about four seconds, my brain malfunctioned and a strange, strangled sound rose from my throat as I tried to comprehend the sheer _size_ of these things. How the hell could creatures so abnormally _large_ even be living?

The next thirty seconds involved me rushing to the edge of the ship, due to not having enough time to get to the bathroom, and finally engaging in a personal protein spill. Right on top of the head of the outrageously huge Sea King upon whose head our ship rested.

The others came rushing out upon hearing my reaction to the Sea Kings.

"What's wrong - -" Nojiko began to say, but fell short. "...Oh," she finished in a very small voice.

"It's S-S-Sah… S-S-S-Say… S-S-S-S-Sea…" stammered Usopp, too terrified to string together proper speech.

"SEA KINGS!" Luffy shouted as I continued to unwittingly cover the monstrous creature's head with bile. "AND THEY'RE ENORMOUS!"

"Thanks for that, Captain - - _BLAAARGH!_ \- - Obvious," I groaned, still bent over the railing of the ship.

He blinked. "My name's not Obvious…"

If everyone hadn't been scared shitless by the sight of an entire _ocean_ brimming with mountain-sized aquatic monsters, I'm fairly sure that the entire crew would've engaged in synchronized facepalms. As it was, Sanji, shaking silently, shifted his weight to try and hold absolutely still.

"Yeah," said Nami meekly, " _those things_ are why no one can enter the Grand Line by sea."

" _No one move a muscle_ ," Sanji hissed hoarsely. "As soon as these things go under… _row like Davy Jones himself is breathing down your back._ "

For several excruciating seconds, everyone froze. The Sea Kings started to look bored, but just before they started to retreat under the flat sea - -

" _Ooohbwaaaarp!"_

A giant frog-like creature's head swiveled up to examine us. Then, as the entire crew held our breaths, it _leaped_.

"EVAN, IF WE DIE BECAUSE OF THIS, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" cried Nami, slumped against the mast with tears streaming from her eyes.

"Luffy," Nojiko spoke up suddenly, "see if you can get on our Sea King's snout and tickle its nose hairs."

Usopp stomped up to her, rivers of tears rushing down his face, and shook her crazily, screaming, "WHY IN THE NAME OF GODA WOULD YOU TELL HIM TO DO THAT!?"

Her fist slammed into his face and he was sent flying into the railing dizzily. "Let go of me! And anyway, it may be our only chance to get out of here alive!"

"Scary…" Usopp whimpered. "I think I know where she picked up that strength from…"

Meanwhile, Luffy had already wrapped one arm around _Merry's_ mast and jumped ship. He ran down the top of the Sea King's head, using his hand around the mast to keep himself from falling off altogether. Then he repelled down the side of the monster's head, grinning like a madman, reached out into the Sea King's nostril, and tickled its nose hair. For four horrifying seconds, nothing happened except for Luffy retracting himself back up to us and smashing headfirst into the mast.

Then, we all heard an enormous intake of air, like a tornado being sucked into a cave system.

"Guys…" I said, nervousness creeping into my voice, "I think we all may need to _hold onto anything you've got!_ "

The rest of the Straw Hats scrambled to find something to hold onto, while I summoned some water to tie me to the railing in a knot even Boy Scouts would be proud of. The enormous intake of air rumbled our ship again even as the enormous, frog-like monster had nearly ascended to our height - -

" ** _ACHOO!_** "

And then, quite suddenly, wind tore at our faces as we were blasted back in the direction of the storm. It happened so fast, I could barely register our departure from the crown if the Sea King's head. One second, we were resting on a giant sea monster - - the next, we were flying haphazardly through the sky on a direct collision course with the sea. Despite being tied to the railing tight enough to choke an elephant, I clenched the wood so hard that my knuckles turned white. It took all of my willpower and dignity to not simply burst into terrified screaming. That, and I figured that if I opened my mouth, a lot more than just screams would be coming out.

Usopp tried to shout something, but his words got ripped away by the severe wind.

And then, not even ten seconds later: _KER-SPLASH!_

We hit the surface of the sea with a sound like the very ocean was exploding. Spray flung as high above us as if a giant had just done a cannonball. The impact was so jarring that if I hadn't had the forethought to tie myself to the railing, I would've been sent flying at least thirty feet into the air. As it was, my legs absorbed all the force, screaming in agony as if they were likely to break if I moved a muscle. I bit my lip _hard_ , and I winced as I tasted my blood.

Then, finally, rain pouring down all around us, it was over.

"E-Everyone alright?" a worn-out Nami spoke over the renewed pitter-pattering of the storm.

Zoro grunted and released the mast's ropes in relief. "Somehow."

"Let's never do that again," Usopp pleaded, quivering.

I released the water around me with a desperate gasp of air, and rose a trembling hand. "I second that motion!"

"That," gasped Nojiko, emerging from where she'd hid in the storage room with a black eye, "was absolute insanity."

Luffy had desperately wrapped his arms around Merry's mast and now worked on releasing them. "That," he groaned, "wasn't that fun…"

King's jaw dropped. "When Luffy says it isn't fun, that's when you _know_ It's terrifying as shit," he signed while I translated for the others.

"Tell me about it." Sanji shuddered. "I just hope that the kitchen supplies are alright…"

After she'd gathered herself together again, Nami walked into the center of the deck, her hands on her hips. "In any case, can you all see why we can't enter the Grand Line through the Calm Belts, now?"

"I wish I hadn't seen it, but yes, yes I do," I said woodenly.

A chorus of agreements rose from the others.

"Perfect. We're all in agreement, then. All that's left is to find that canal and sail up it. Everyone, return to your stations. We absolutely must not miss our target, because if I'm right, then Reverse Mountain is a Winter Island, and if we crash into it, then the currents will carry us to the bottom of the sea."

"So, what you're saying is that it's a Mystery Mountain," concluded Luffy with a self-sure nod.

Nami stared blankly at him. "...Yes."

"Oh, alright. Cool!"

An awkward pause followed, broken a facepalm from the resident redhead.

"Anyway…" Nami rubbed a tired hand through her hair, looking severely unimpressed. "Everyone, just… Just do your things, please."

"Aye-aye, Nami," we all recited as one, except King, who just screeched.

Trying to fight our way through the storm while recovering from our misadventure in the Calm Belt was harder than one might think. With the sole exception of Luffy, who was made of rubber, everyone's legs were sore from our ridiculous escape - - even Sanji's, whose legs were arguably the strongest in the East Blue under Zeff's. That meant that running around while keeping our boat from capsizing was a real task and a half. Everyone was downright exhausted. The only thing that kept me from simply giving up and slumping to the floor was the thought of the ocean claiming me as a Hammer. Falling into the marsh at Conomi Islands had been terrifying enough; I didn't want to come anywhere close to taking an unplanned swim in a ten-thousand foot deep vat of salt water.

Luckily for us, not even five minutes later, Luffy, who had perched himself on the figurehead, called out, "Oi! I see the Mystery Mountain!"

We all scrambled to the front of the ship, and sure enough, barely visible through the curtain of water falling around us, an impossibly tall wall of red rock rose right up into the sky. Jagged cliffs could only just be seen jutting out here and there in random spots. It was a huge world border, its very presence screaming at us, _"I have stood tall and proud since this planet was born! No mere mortal could harm me_!" Gazing upon this mass of earth was… wondrous, was awe-inspiring. There were simply no words to convey how very _small_ I felt.

"Holy crap," Usopp gasped, slack-jawed. "I can't even see the top because of the clouds!"

Nojiko leaned over the railing, staring with amazement at the impressive barrier between the Blue Seas. "I never thought that I'd ever see this," she breathed, a smile creeping up her lips. "I just… _wow_."

"Yeah…" For once, I couldn't find the right words. I was struck completely speechless. My brain couldn't quite spit out what I wanted properly. "It's just… Truly murve - - marvelful… mar… ya know?"

King, who was again perched on my shoulder, made a noise akin to a low whistle. He then swept into a quick handmade message. "It doesn't any less awesome even after you've already seen and scaled it," he signed, his eyes gleaming with reverence. His tail swished and flicked against my back.

Zoro retrieved a pair of binoculars from a pocket and looked through them. "I - - I don't believe it! The water really _is_ flowing up the mountain!"

"Really?" Nojiko's eyes widened. "I've _gotta_ see this."

Numbly, the swordsman handed the device to her, and she gingerly held it up to her eyes. For a second, she seemed to not be able to find her target. Then her entire body froze and her jaw nearly hit the floor. "It's… holy shit, you're right… What in the Blue Seas…?"

For several more moments, we all just gazed reverently at the unique sight before us. Then, Nami suddenly gasped in terror.

"OH NO! THE CURRENT IS PULLING US OFF COURSE! WE HAVE TO GET THE _MERRY_ IN A STRAIGHT LINE WITH THE CANAL!"

"O-on it!" Usopp and Sanji exclaimed, jerking into action, but I snapped out of my awe and blocked them.

"Whoa, whoa, guys, hold on!" I said. "The current's too strong. We'll snap the rudder if we try and force it to move against waters like this."

Sanji froze and paled, eyes drawn to the sea. "Shit, you're right."

"Evan, do you think you could use your Tempest-Tempest powers to steer us back on course without the threat of breaking our rudder?" asked Nojiko, regarding me with a raised eyebrow. "That would be extremely helpful."

"Yep," I confirmed, closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and raising my hands out to the sea. "That's the plan. Everyone sit tight and make sure that the storm doesn't rip our sails off. I'll take over steering from here."

Relaxing my muscles - - or at least, attempting to do so after the near-death experience we'd all underwent minutes ago - - I shut out the others as I sent my thoughts to the water sweeping us in a path to the unshakeable Red Line. I forced my will upon it, wincing as it fought back with wild gusto. If there was one thing I had learned within the past week, it was that _Percy Jackson_ was right: the ocean, especially when it was already insane like it was now, did _not_ like to be held back. My brain trembled as I reaffirmed my grasp upon the ocean's movements. Finally, it bent to my will and sloooooowly broke its natural flow, directing us to the right so we'd be aligned with the canal.

"Tell me when we're all good!" I shouted over the din of the rainstorm, eyes still closed in concentration.

Nami hesitated a couple moments. "...Alright, you can release it now!"

Panting, I let the ocean do its own thing, removing my mental lock on it. Just to prove to me who was boss, it sent a particularly large wave rising up ten feet from us, gliding over the water's surface right at us. I groaned and rolled my eyes. It could be so _cheeky_ sometimes.

"Holy crap, tsunami!" cried Usopp, pointing a trembling finger at the giant wall of water.

I sighed and rubbed my head. "Yeesh, I've got this…"

Thrusting out my hand, I shouted and willed the water to part around our little caravel. It shifted so a huge gap appeared where our ship would've been swept up in it, and we popped through it effortlessly. Zoro allowed me an impressed low whistle. "You're pretty useful for situations like this," he said, crossing his arms.

I frowned at him. "You say that as though that's the _only_ time I'm useful."

" _Weeeeeell_ …"

"Oi! I resemble that!... Uh, wait, that didn't sound right…"

"Whatever!" said Nami happily, pumping her fist in victory. "The important thing is that you're an absolutely _brilliant bastard_ and that everything else from here is going to be smooth sailing! You have no idea how much I'm loving those Devil Fruit powers of yours right now. I wonder if we could use them to detect and predict changes in the sea…?"

I blushed and rubbed the back of my head. "Ah, heh, it's not really that big of a deal…"

Nojiko smirked, amused, and leaned against the railing. "Evan," she said with a snort, "Nami doesn't get this happy about anything, _ever_. Don't bother trying to be humble and just bask in the glory while you can."

"Oh, shut up, Nojiko," said Nami with an unfailing grin.

The other young woman rolled her eyes at her adopted sister. "You know you love me."

I paused for a moment. "In that case… can I have a few hundred belli as a reward for my services, Nami?"

"Over my dead body!" the ginger crooned sweetly.

" _Everything's right with the world again_ …" I heard Usopp murmur out of the corner of his mouth, and a smirk turned up my lips, which I hid by looking back at the Red Line. Upon my shoulder, King snickered behind a paw that covered his mouth.

Just as my monkey friend had mentioned, now that we were on a good course, it didn't take any further effort to get up to the entrance of the mountain canal. We just sat back and watched the Red Line inch closer to us with something greater than awe. An emotion akin to excitement, but far, far greater welled up within me, spreading a grin across my lips and making my skin crawl. After almost a full week of sailing, and years of writing fanfiction and making stupid references, I was finally entering the Grand Line myself! From here on out, it was going to be incredibly tough, but I'd managed to change so much by accident already - - surely I could complete the one goal I'd set for myself upon joining the crew.

 _Ensure that Luffy never has to cry again_.

I hoped desperately that Dragon understood my message. If everything worked out the way I imagined it, then Alabasta would become the historical spot where the Brothers D met for the first time in years. I was already making plans to avert the War of the Best entirely, or at the very least ensure that Ace lives, by including one extra person in the scene.

My fist clenched and released as we drew up to the canal, and then tipped upward with the current, shooting up the water stream like a flipped waterside. There were so many impossible things I'd seen recently: Fishmen, rubbermen, aquakinesis, signing monkeys. Who was to say I couldn't make one more happen?

"I swear that I will never let things get that bad," I said under my breath, staring up at the rocks rushing past us with determination. "I'd do anything to ensure that. Hear me, All-Seeing Author?"

I waited several moments, but my iPod did not buzz.

I frowned, the wind ripping my leather jacket back behind me like a cape. That must mean I'm on my own with this. Well, that was fine. At least if I succeeded, it was all on me. I would be the only one responsible for saving countless lives, as well as the life of one very specific person.

No, not would. Not if.

 _Will_.

* * *

Far away and very close by, in a location unreachable by mere man, a single being sat in an unfathomable void of darkness. Except for three points of interest, the void was filled with absolute nothingness, not even particles making up the empty space. One of these points was the being. It sat quizzically, regarding the small square of light (the second point of interest) floating before it with something akin to humor flashing in its eyes. On the screen, a small caravel sailed up the side of a mountain, with one brown-haired man making an impossible promise aboard.

A smirk turned up the being's lips. " **Avert the War of the Best, will you?** " it said, chuckling. " **Shishishishishi. Well, then… this is going to be easier than I thought. He clearly has learned nothing from his own fanfictions.** " It leaned back against the dark void, reclining, and linked its arms behind its head, the sound of the rushing water of Reverse Mountain rushing from the screen despite the lack of particles in the void. The being's eyes roamed the void, falling upon a small, red rift which lay some twenty feet away. It sparked and fizzled violently, and the being's eyes flashed. This was the third point of interest. " **It grows. With each little change, it** ** _grows_** **… Soon. Soon, I'll walk the earth once more. The sea will tremble before me. The world will know my name. Soon...** "

" **I'll never let that happen.** "

The void rippled, color washed through the air, and suddenly the being was not alone in the void any longer.

" ** _You_** **…** " it hissed, taking a nervous, angry step back. Its eyes narrowed, red glowing in its irises. " **What are you doing here? I told you to never step foot in here again. After you stole my powers to bring that boy - -** "

" **We both know what would have happened to him had I done nothing,** " the second being pointed out. " **I answer to no man, and certainly not to something that's less than man. I will continue to act as I see fit, and I will not allow you to ruin his life. What exactly do you hope to accomplish by twisting things, anyway? You cannot escape this void anymore than I can. Our crimes were too severe for that.** "

One pair of glowing red eyes returned to the sparking, fizzing void to the second being's left, then fell back upon the second being.

" **You cannot sense it?** " queried the first being.

 **"Sense what? Your Trump-sized ego?** "

" **Enough with the petty jabs. If you really cannot sense it…** ** _Shishishishi_** **. Well, let's just say, deviations shatter the stability of worlds…** "

A weary sigh rose from the second being. " **Alright,** ** _really_** **, Bathory? We've been over this. One does not simply start vague conversations.** "

" **I don't need your input, All-Seeing Author,** " sniffed the first being, Bathory, " **or shall I say… Joy Boy?** "

The All-Seeing Author's form flared up to a brightness that would've fried any mortal's eyes. In the pitch black void, it was especially burning, but Bathory stared straight into it with a decidedly unimpressed gaze. " ** _I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!_** " bellowed the All-Seeing Author, an unprecedented fury etching into his voice. Rage was as foreign to him as IQ points to a certain pirate captain, yet even deadpan snarkers have berserk buttons. " ** _I LOST MY RIGHTS TO CARRY THAT NAME EONS AGO, WHEN I FAILED TO KEEP MY PROMISE TO MY LOVE!_** "

" **Alright, old git, yeesh,** " said Bathory, sounding vaguely pleased with themselves. " **Mock-friendly teasing aside…** " Its own form brightened to obscene levels, rivaling even the All-Seeing Author's form. To an outside observer, it would've appeared as though they were two Suns, or perhaps even brighter. " **GET. OUT.** "

Time was relative in this plane, so it was uncertain how long the two omnipotent beings faced each other down, silently threatening to unleash power upon each other great enough to make both World Wars combined seem like a water balloon fight. Tension was the only thing besides them that hung in the void. At last, after an indescribable amount of time, the All-Seeing Author backed down.

" **Very well,** " it begrudgingly grumbled. " **For now, I shall leave. But mark my words - - dare to mess with my plans, dare to disrupt events in any way… and I** ** _will_** **be pissed. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.** "

The void rippled again, colors washing over the All-Seeing Author, and in the blink of an eye, it had vanished.

In spite of itself, Bathory's muscles relaxed.

" **That was close,** " it mumbled, flexing one hand and dimming down to a visible level. It turned back to the screen it had been watching, where the caravel was now around half-way up the mountain. " **I'm not sure if I have enough power yet to steal back my powers from it… But no matter.** " It glanced at the glowing rift, apparently invisible to the All-Seeing Author, and a grin as evil as Blackbeard's spread across its lips. " **Just a little more time, and I'll have enough strength that not even** ** _Joy Boy_** **can stop me. Shishishi. Just keep on moving forward, Evan Johnson, blissfully unaware of the powers that be… Keep heading straight to your own downfall.** "

* * *

"HOLY CRAP, WE'RE ABOVE THE CLOUDS!"

Luffy's excited shout seemed absolutely insane, but it was true. The _Going Merry_ had now sailed about three-quarters of the way up Reverse Mountain, covering distance far more quickly than I would've thought possible. In my old fanfiction, I had theorized that it took several hours for the Straw Hats to make the trek up the ten-thousand-plus meter mountain, but in reality, it had taken us not even twenty-five minutes so far. The mountain peak, gleaming with ice that curled down through the air, could now be easily seen in the rapidly nearing distance. It was quite remarkable just how quickly we were traveling. Then again, I supposed that it was only reasonable that Reverse Mountain's canal flowed unbelievably quickly; how else would it make it all the way up to the top of the mountain?

"I still can hardly believe this is real," breathed Nojiko in awe, a wild grin fixated on her face. She clenched the railing for dear life, laughing for pure joy. "This is so exhilarating!"

"Now I understand why you said this doesn't get old, King Kong!" laughed Usopp. "This is incredible!"

Behind me, Usopp, Luffy, Sanji, and King were performing a little victory kickline, their arms linked around each other. King had to hold onto Sanji's hand due to being too short to actually link arms. The vervet monkey looked ridiculously happy, grinning a funny little grin that made his face unbelievably cute. I'd always been an animal person - - I'd owned two dogs and four cats in my life, and my sister had even had a pet parakeet, until our most recent cat ate it. It warmed my heart to see my new friend and partner having so much fun.

Zoro had been looking out to the current contemplatively, silent for the past few minutes. I wondered vaguely what he'd been mulling over, but had been having far too much fun to ask him. As it turned out, though, I didn't need to, because just then, he suddenly said, "Everyone, we need to talk."

Usopp, Luffy, Sanji, and King froze in their dance, their eyes blinking curiously.

"Talk?" said Nojiko with a frown. "About what?"

Nami blinked. "Yeah, what is it?"

"There's something that's been bothering me for the past couple of hours, and seeing this…" He waved out to the current taking us up through the Red Line. "Well, now it really bothers me."

"What bothers you?" I asked, tilting my head.

"You."

Everyone was silent for a few seconds.

"Wait, what?" Nojiko said, confused.

"Evan, you said that you came from the Grand Line, right?" Zoro said, narrowing his eyes as he walked up to me. I took a nervous step back, my blood chilling a little. Could he possibly have…? "Well, after our little misadventure earlier, we proved that the only way to enter the Grand Line is through Reverse Mountain. We also proved that the Calm Belts have absolutely no weather changes or current changes, and they're infested with enormous Sea Kings besides. That means that the only way _out_ of the Grand Line is Reverse Mountain as well, but your map doesn't say anything about currents going _out_ of it, does it, Nami?"

The ginger started and frowned. "N-No, but that - -"

"That means that once you get in the Grand Line, there's no way out - - except, maybe, if you're a Marine. I've heard that Marines come and go frequently, although I don't know how. So, our chronicler is either a Marine or not really from the Grand Line at all - - and either way, he's lying to us."

Silence reigned aboard the _Going Merry_ for a moment as this processed.

With a start, I took my fingers out of my mouth - - I realized I'd been biting them unconsciously since Zoro had began his speech.

"Well… damn, the Marimo's right," mumbled Sanji, casting a suspicious glance my way.

"O-Oi, come on!" I protested, backing up a little.

King Kong leaped over onto my shoulder angrily, turning and beating out a message to the crew. "Yeah," he signed while I translated, "don't be stupid! Evan's not any Marine! He's beat up two captains already, and plus, he freed me from my cage! No Marine would've dared to release me!"

"Thanks, King," I sighed in relief.

"No…" Nami said slowly, frowning at me. "Zoro's right. Either way, you're still lying to us. There's no reason to lie about your past here unless you have something you don't want us to find out about, and if that's the case, it's better to just tell us. We'll help you for sure. Trust me, it's only going to be worse for you in the long run if you keep whatever it is bottled up. I had to find that out the long way."

Nojiko hesitated, looking at the others' now suspicious and worried faces, before taking a breath and walking up to me. She placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, gazing into my eyes softly. "Get it the fuck off your chest and just tell us your shit already," she said so sternly that I jumped.

My lower lip trembled and I bit it, reluctant. "But… y-you guys wouldn't understand… hell, _I_ hardly understand it…"

"Whatever it is you went through, I bet we'll meet people who've gone through worse," Sanji said quietly. "Just tell us - - I'd say we'll be at the top of the Grand Line in about five minutes, and I'd like to not have any secrets between us when we enter it."

For a moment, I was still silent. Was there any way to get out of this? What could I say to reassure the Straw Hats that I was who I said I was, even though I really wasn't? The truth was just too insane - - there'd be no way they'd believe me. And even if they did, how would _they_ feel, knowing that they might not even exist anyway?

Maybe it was that thought that snapped me out of it.

 _They don't exist?_ How stupid could I be?

They were right there in front of me. I knew I wasn't dreaming, or insane, because I had definitely felt every single blow that Fonti had dealt to me, I could _feel_ the wind whipping my leather jacket around, I could sense the warmth from Nojiko's hand, which remained soft despite her years upon years of weapons practice, and I _never_ remembered any bit of my dreams - - yet I remembered just about every second of my time spent here in the East Blue. Everything around me was as real as I - - the cold wind, the rapidly thinning air, the warm planks of the beloved _Merry_ , and the concerned faces of my friends.

It was all real.

 _They_ were all real.

They were willing to put their lives on the line for me. I'd never had anyone who liked me enough - - besides my parents and sister, anyway, and they were family so it didn't count - - who would do that.

If anyone deserved to be told the truth, it was them.

Nervousness rushing through me as quickly and hard as the current of Reverse Mountain, I took a deep breath and began telling my tale.


	12. Story Time with Evan Johnson

**A/N:** I apologize for the short delay in this chapter's posting! It's massive length combined with the fact that it was only me writing it didn't equal out to good things for my writing schedule. I think this chapter will have been well worth the wait, though - - there's a good deal of pretty great comedy in here. Once again, I'd like to give out my enormous thanks to EXNativo for helping to edit this story, as it would be a lot less well-written without his input. Also, I now have a Patre0n page for this story! (The weird spelling is because that word apparently isn't able to be used here...) If any of you could support this story through that by entering in the website's name, followed by /TheRealEvanSG, I would very much appreciate it! We might even get some story art up in the icon sometime! Lastly, be sure to stay updated on the TV Tropes page for all the tropes and shit found within this fanfic!

 **Disclaimer:** Despite now having a Patre0n for this fanfiction at /TheRealEvanSG, I still do not own any rights to One Piece, nor is my Patre0n in anyway conflicting with any copyright laws. After all, it's only for those who wish to _donate_ to me.

* * *

Chapter 11: Story Time with Evan Johnson

"My name is Evan Johnson. I'm 18 years old, a Sagittarius, and I was born in an entirely different universe."

For the record, it should be said that I'm not one for subtlety except for when I'm writing. I'm a very blunt person, and so when I got over myself and started telling the Straw Hats who I really was, I didn't really hold anything back. I just came right out and said it. Besides, I figured that dancing around things wasn't going to get anywhere and would just waste time; as Sanji said, it would be best if we could get all the explanations over before we reached the top of Reverse Mountain. Unfortunately for the Straw Hats, this meant that they didn't get any chance to prepare themselves for the insanity that was currently my life.

Silence hung over the _Merry_ as the crew's jaws _slooooooowly_ dropped to the floor.

Usopp, surprisingly, was the first to recover. "Wait… another _universe_!?"

"Yep," I confirmed with an _I-couldn't-make-this-up-if-I-tried_ stare. "I wasn't born on this planet. Hell, I wasn't born in this world. Where I'm from is much more advanced, and my home has a buttload more land than the Blue Seas do."

Zoro's eye twitched. "H-Hold on. You say that you were born in another universe."

"That's right."

"So… _how the hell did you end up in this one_?"

"That's where things get crazy," I said with a raised eyebrow. "I hardly understand it myself, honestly. One day, I was just an average highschooler, wasting my life playing games and not doing my homework, and the next, I'm controlling water and beating up Marine captains. As most insane things do, everything started on Friday the 13th, when I accidentally started to tempt fate before catching myself and stopping. Then I went to log online - - we have this kind of invisible network of information called the Internet - - and started to write fanfiction for my favorite comic series. Little did I know that the supposed 'fan' who contacted me, telling me that he had a story idea for me to write, was actually an immortal being planning on inserting me into said comic."

The Straw Hats stared a while.

"Wait," said Nojiko, her mouth slackening, "inserted you into your favorite comic? But if you were from another world… and now you're here…"

Sanji's eyes widened as he grasped the true nature of the situation. "...Then you're saying that comic was about… _us_!?"

"Got it in one!" I said, folding my arms and nodding, impressed. "You guys are taking this surprisingly well."

"Hold on, how by Goda are we supposed to believe this?" King Kong signed, his eyes half-lidded with disbelief.

I frowned for a moment and tapped a finger to my chin, thinking. How could I convince them that I was telling the truth this time? Well, I suppose the best way to do it would be the average Straw Hat method - - go for the absolutely craziest method possible. And that would be…

"Zoro," I said so suddenly that the usually stoic swordsman jumped. "Remember what I asked Tashigi?"

He frowned and tilted his head. "Wasn't it something about amnesia…?"

"Yep. I wanted to test a personal theory of mine and find out whether she was really Kuina. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case, but discovering the truth once and for all was sorta worth it."

His eyes widened. "What the - -!? How do you know about Kuina!?"

"Told you, I was a huge fan of a comic series made about the story of one Monkey D. Luffy as he gathered a crew and set out to become King of the Pirates. I know pretty much everything there is to know about you guys."

Usopp folded his arms across his chest. "Alright, then, what are the names of the members of my faux pirate crew? I've never told you about them, and they weren't mentioned in our recorded adventures so far."

"Pepper, Carrot, and Onion," I recited, counting off on my fingers, then shrugging. "Although if you showed me pictures of them, I wouldn't really be able to tell one apart from the other. The only reason I could tell them apart in the comic was because their names usually accompanied them in the different panels."

"...Holy shit, you're telling the truth," gasped Usopp, eyes wide.

Luffy giggled, leaning forward with bright eyes. "Ooo! This is fun! Me next, me next!"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "What am I, a fortune teller at a magic show? Whatever, what do you want me to tell you about?"

"How did my gramps train me?"

"A lot of shitty ways," I answered flatly. Hey, it was the truth! "The ones that stick out in my memory, though, include throwing you in the jungle and leaving you in it for weeks, making you fight a bunch of monkeys, and Fists of Love. Many Fists of Love. You have my condolences for those, by the way, they _had_ to hurt. Oh, and I can't forget sending you to live with a group of mountain bandits."

"Luffy lived with mountain bandits?" Nami repeated, staring at him as if everything made sense now. "Huh, no wonder he's always trying to steal everyone's food…"

The straw hatted pirate captain's grin stretched clear across his face. "Whoa, that's completely right! AWESOME!"

I shrugged as if I didn't care, but I can't deny that I was grinning inside, starting to have a little bit of fun with it myself. Luffy's enthusiasm was _really_ infectious. "Well, anyone else want to know anything?"

"Who is my father?"

Everyone paused and looked at the man from whom the nervous, trembling statement had come from - - Sanji. His fists were clenched tightly, and he was decidedly staring at the floor. His face was disturbingly pale, his body shaking. I'd never seen him look like that… but I understood perfectly. After all, I'd not seen much of the Vinsmokes, but from what I could see of them, anybody would regret having them for family. Hell, I was surprised that Sanji turned out as kind-hearted and good as he did with all of the abuse he'd received from them. They didn't _deserve_ to be called his family.

"...Red-Leg Zeff," I said after a brief pause, looking solidly at him. "He is the only father you have, and you should be proud to have him."

His arm trembling, Sanji reached into his suit pocket and withdrew a cigarette and lighter. He lit the cigarette and slipped it between his lips, putting the lighter back into his suit pocket.

"Yes," he said shakily. "I am."

The others glanced at each other, confused.

"What was that about?" Usopp asked, tilting his head. "Zeff's in our log. That's not a good question - - Evan could've just read that."

I cleared my throat hurriedly, noticing Sanji's hand shake a little. "Mm, ah, anyway… If nobody else has anything they want me to tell them about themselves, what's the verdict?"

Luffy blinked. "What verdict?"

"What verdict?" I threw my hands up into the air in frustration. "What do you mean, what verdict!? The entire point of me telling you all this was because you wanted to understand my history! Well!? Do you believe me or not!?"

Nojiko snorted, placing a hand on her hip. A small smile spread across her face as she let out a laugh. "Of course we believe you. We're your friends."

"Besides, after that little display, you would either have to be telling the truth or have some kind of divination ability, and we already know you have one Devil Fruit," Zoro reasoned. "Nobody eats two Fruits and lives. Therefore, you're telling the truth."

Luffy grinned ecstatically. "I think it's awesome that we've got a comic book written about us! That just means we're gonna be badasses! Shishishi!"

Usopp hesitated a moment, then nodded in agreement, allowing himself an embarrassed smile. "Yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his head, "I'll agree with that. I wonder if I have a ton of fans in your world~!"

"You've got a fair amount. I'd say Luffy's the most popular, though, with Zoro coming in second and Sanji holding third."

"How much of the - - _our_ story do you know?" asked Nami, folding her hands across her chest.

I shrugged. "Erm… from the start of the journey, up to about two years and… a _feeew_ weeks, maybe?" I said uncertainly, not quite sure of the timeline. "It's really hard to tell the distance between your - - our different voyages, because there's not often a real solid time gap given, and the author, a man named Oda, never actually gave a lot of dates for the series' events. So, that would be my best estimate."

"Eh?" Luffy frowned, his excitement fading into something that looked like… pity? "That's boring."

I blinked. "What."

"It's not fair to you that the adventure's spoiled. That's the whole point of adventuring, after all - - discovering new things. But you can't do that if you already know so much." As I stood gaping at the actually very logical, and _very_ Luffy, words that were spewing from my captain's mouth, he paused for a moment and at last clapped his hands. A grin turned up his lips, the kind of grin I'd come to discover meant that he was very proud of himself for something. "Alright, I've got it! Just use your knowledge to change things up! That way you'll be in the dark as much as we are!"

"WHAT!?" everyone roared.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up!" I said, my eyes widening as I made an 'x' with my arms. "You're saying that you want me to play with the course of future events for my own benefit, regardless of the repercussions that would create?"

"Yep."

"And you're aware that something really, _really_ catastrophic could come out of that? As in character death catastrophic? As in one of you _ceasing to exist_ catastrophic?"

"Yep… um… but try to avoid that."

"Ceasing to exist?" Nami yelped, inching away unconsciously.

"Believe you me, there's plenty of fan-written stories about you guys where someone gets inserted into the crew, or just into the world in general," I said seriously, "and _royally_ screws everything up. There's one story I've heard about - - haven't read it myself - - where Luffy actually ends up _dying_ for about… nine minutes, I think?" The Straw Hats all paled at the thought, and I noticed them step closer to Luffy a bit. "In another story I read, you guys pick up a Transponder Snail that ate the Noise-Noise Fruit along with the inserted character, and eventually end up getting a pirate radio station that's broadcasted to the _entire world_."

"Okay, that actually sounds really cool!" Usopp interjected, perking up.

"Alright, it was really cool. There were still a lot of _huge_ plot changes created by that radio show, though. And I've already caused some pretty serious changes myself. Nojiko, you were never meant to join the crew in the canon story - - you were supposed to stay back at home, safe and sound, on the Conomi Islands and live a peaceful life. And King," I added, pointing to my monkey partner, who blinked in return, "I never even heard about you in the original series. The Tempest-Tempest Fruit was never mentioned, either, although a lot of fans speculated that something like it could exist."

"Do you regret any of those changes?" asked Luffy blankly.

I blinked. "Uh, no, but why - -?"

"Then why are you worrying about it?"

"...What?"

"If you feel like what you've already changed is alright, then it's alright, and whatever happens in the future will be, too."

I opened my mouth to speak, paused, closed it, and then rubbed my cheek. After thinking a moment, I said, "You're really not worried at all about what the changes I make could eventually do to you guys?"

Everyone looked at each other, several shrugs following. "Nope," came the resounding agreement.

A couple moments passed, filled only with the sound of Reverse Mountain's extremely ridiculous water current rushing us up ever closer to the very top. I felt increasingly lighter, more relaxed, more at ease. I'd heard that telling people one's secrets can make one feel as though a weight has been lifted from one's shoulders, but I'd never realized just how accurate that description was. A smile inched its way up my lips, tugging warmly at my face.

"Thank you," I said, bowing my head happily. "Thank you all… so very much. You really are amazing people."

"Of course we are," said Nojiko, grinning. "And don't you forget it."

"Damn straight!" signed King, his tail flicking behind him.

...And of course a certain _something_ couldn't hold itself back long enough to make the moment last. The bastard was really starting to tick me off. I pulled my buzzing iPod out of my pocket and glared harshly at it. "OH, PISS OFF!" I yelled in fury, and mindlessly chucked the damn thing straight over the side of the ship. It soared through the air like a bird, hovering in space for a long moment, before smashing against the side of Reverse Mountain and shattering into a thousand pieces.

I blinked. "Um… oops."

Nami's eye twitched. "What was that?"

"A piece of technology from my world called an iPod. It could play music, access the Internet - - which I mentioned earlier - - and all sorts of other stuff. Y'know that immortal being who's the whole reason I'm here in the first place? He's been sending me annoying messages over it."

"So, it's a mystery…" Luffy trailed off, frowning and tilting his head. He seemed unable to find a proper name for the iPod. At last he shrugged and grinned. "It's a mystery mystery!"

"...Yes," I said flatly. Then I frowned as well. "I didn't see the message he sent this time. I wonder what it was abouuu _OW!_ "

Ending my sentences abruptly with 'OW!' isn't something I normally do, in case you're wondering. The 'OW!' in the above piece of dialogue comes from the fact that at the very moment, something small and very, _very_ hard chose to fall right on the top of my skull. By some ungodly skill, it bounced into my hand as I instinctively brought it up to rub at the injured area. My fingers closed around something cold and hard, and, confused, I instead held my hand in front of my eyes to view… what looked like a Nokia smartphone. The hell? Did Nokia even _make_ smartphones? Was Nokia still even in business!?

" _Okay_ , now what's _that_?" Sanji demanded, sounding a little bit perturbed by unidentified falling smartphones coming from the sky.

I rubbed my head with my free hand, wincing, and just as confused as my friends. "Um… I'm honestly not too sure. There's these communication thingies called phones in my world, which you can use to talk to people from miles and miles away, and one brand of them is Nokia. They're said to be pretty much indestructible. This looks like that, but a different version of it…?"

The Nokia 'smartphone' buzzed in my hand, and I flinched so violently in surprise that I nearly dropped it.

Sure enough, it was another email from our friendly neighbourhood Jerkass God. A blue notification box had popped up on the screen, with two separate buttons, one saying "read" and the other "ignore." Blinking, I tapped "read" as the Straw Hats interestedly watched on.

"All-Seeing Author at yahoo-dot-com," I read aloud for their benefit, frowning. "Hey! How dare you break our only source of communication and force me to go out of my way to allow you to scratch some things off your bucket list! Seriously, that's just rude! Well, in any case, hang onto your hats!"

"Hang onto your hats?" Usopp repeated. "Why - -?"

I glanced past him, my eyes focusing on a gigantic plume of water… and I understood with a sudden chill down my spine. "SHIT, EVERYONE FIND SOMETHING TO HOLD ON TO! WE'RE HITTING THE TOP!"

My friends all blinked, not realizing at first the implications of my statement. Then it hit them all with various degrees of accuracy, and one by one, they swiveled around to look in the same direction as me. For a few moments, we all just stared in abstract horror and awe as the plume of water that was the peak of Reverse Mountain loomed before us. At last, however, shit hit the fan and everybody _moved_. We each rushed to different corners of the ship, desperately latching onto the railing, even as water spray - - sorry, make that _ice spray_! - - began to rain down around us. Everyone except for Luffy, anyway, who _what the hell was he doing on the figurehead_!?

"LUFFY, GET DOWN FROM THERE! YOU'RE GONNA FALL OFF THE MERRY!" cried Usopp, wrapping his arms around the mast as much as he could.

The smile Luffy sent back was one full of confidence. "I'll be fine! I wrapped my arms around her neck tightly!"

My face twitched. "Any other circumstance, that sentence would get you tossed into a jail cell with the key - -"

I never got time to finish my sentence, because at that exact moment, the _Going Merry_ careened figurehead-first into the mini-explosion which replaced Reverse Mountain's peak. For one horrible moment, the ship lurched downward, then physics bitch-slapped it and told it who was boss. The edge of the plume flung us up into the air, and once we'd rose above the noise and confusion, we could see first a cover of clouds about a mile wide; after that, the Grand Line stretched beatifically as far as the eye could see. There we flew higher, my stomach dropping clear back down to the mountain's base.

Nojiko's eyes widened. "That's an amazing view…" she gasped, shaking her head, which had gotten wet after our initial impact with the water plume.

"You're telling me," Sanji said, accompanied by a low whistle.

"We can see for miles…!" I exclaimed, the sight causing me to feel almost giddy. "Holy shit, this is cool!"

Every single one of us was grinning, our faces showing the pure amazement that the view filled us with. A fit of giggling overtook Luffy, not that that was any surprise, and he bounced in excitement on the figurehead. Gasps and exclamations of awe were aplenty. However, all good things must come to an end, of course, and so with a sudden weightless feeling, the little caravel tipped down and dropped out of the sky. _Oooo_ 's and _aaahh's_ turned into terrified screams as we all held on to the railing, our strength renewed. My stomach jumped unceremoniously back into place, leaving me feeling as though I'd just ridden one of those freefall rides at the fair, and a second later we smashed keel-first into the Grand Line-bound current.

"There's nothing below us but the Grand Line!" cried Luffy triumphantly, releasing one of his arms with a rubbery snap to pump it in the air.

"We're sailing into the clouds!" signed a grinning King, switching his hands out for his tail so he wouldn't get tossed off.

I couldn't help but let an ecstatic laugh bubble up from my throat. "This is unbelievable!" I shouted gleefully over the wind. "You guys are incredible!"

We shot down through the clouds, mist, and floating water flowing past us. It was so dense, I could hardly see the other Straw Hats ten feet away from me. Many times before, I'd flown on planes that had went through clouds, but it just wasn't the same experience as physically being enveloped by one. Nothing could describe the sensation; it was something absolutely foreign, and absolutely beautiful.

Nojiko, standing directly beside me, opened her mouth to shout something, but at that very moment, a _sound_ rumbled through the air. It was like a foghorn amplified a thousand times over; it made the ship's timbers shiver, my skin crawl.

 _BWAAAAAAAAAA_!

"What is that!?" shouted Nojiko, her smile descending into a frown. "What's that huge roar?"

Nami was still reeling from the din. "What? My ears are ringing; I can't hear you!"

 _BWAAAAAAAAAAA_!

"Agh, my ears!" moaned Usopp pitifully. "Make it stop!"

Nami shook her head restlessly. "I think it's just the wind. There's probably all sorts of weird rock formations on this mountain that make the wind sound like that when it rushes through them."

"Guuuuuuys?" I called, gulping. "That's not wind!"

"What is it, then!?" roared Zoro over the wind.

 _BWAAAAAAAAAAA_!

We burst out of the last dregs of the cloud, and Usopp, the goggles which he'd scored in Loguetown strapped over his eyes, said in fear, "IT'S A WHALE! A HUGE FREAKING WHALE! AND IT'S RIGHT IN OUR PATH!"

"WHAT!?" everyone except me bellowed.

But despite the others' terrified disbelief, the truth was directly in front of us. Looming at the base of this side of Reverse Mountain like an enormous, black wall, Laboon the Way-Too-Oversized-Oda-What-The-Heck-Were-You-Thinking Whale poked its head out of the water, the downwards current carrying us in a direct collision course with it. My eye twitched violently. As ridiculously large as those Sea Kings earlier today had been, Laboon _easily_ dwarfed them all. He made the Twin Towers look like some kid's LEGO buildings in comparison… and we were only seeing the part of him that stuck out of the water!

"We're gonna crash into it!" cried Sanji, gritting his teeth. "Is there anyway around it?"

Usopp focused the scope on his very cool goggles. "Um… yeah, it looks like there's a little bit of a path around it on either side. There's enough water there for us to sail without too much worry of crashing. We'd have to be _really really_ quick, though."

"Got it!" Nojiko clapped her hands and walked out into the center of the deck, where she could be viewed by everyone. I thought she was both pretty brave and pretty nuts for letting go of the railing. "Everyone, listen up. I have a plan that could get us out of this mess. Zoro, Luffy, you two man the rudder. Listen to Usopp's instructions on how far to push it - - he's the one who can see our escape route the clearest. I'll take over the cannon so that if worse comes to worse, we might be able to slow ourselves down enough with physics to minimize injury. Evan, I need you to change the current to help us escape to port - -"

"Ah, which side is port, exactly?" I broke in with a weak smile.

Nami stared at me. "You're saying you've been sailing with us for almost a week now, and you can't tell apart starboard from port?"

"Lady, I lived my entire life on a huge, flat continent without having to worry about oceanic travel at all," I deadpanned, "and if I _did_ have to worry about it, the fastest form of travel was flying in machines called planes."

Her eye twitched and she struck her palm to her face. "Ugh, why did I expect anything different…? Right, well, port is left, starboard is right, got it?"

I closed my eyes and repeated it under my breath for a few times. When I was confident enough that I'd memorized them, I looked up and nodded. "Alright, yeah, I think so."

"Pfft," snorted Zoro. "Come on, those are easy."

"I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT FROM YOU, MR. I CAN GET LOST IN A STRAIGHT CORRIDOR!"

He flared up indignantly. "That has never happened once!"

"Future knowledge," I deadpanned.

His eye twitched. "...The future can change?"

"Pick another door, bucko."

Zoro opened his mouth to respond, but before he could - -

 _BWAAAAAAAAAAAA_!

Nojiko coughed loudly, which we could somehow hear over the renewed ringing of our ears, caused by Laboon's most recent roar. " _Anyway_ , if you two are done arguing like a married couple, let's return to the point. Evan, you direct the water current to port so we don't have to fight it too badly. Nami, you make any additional adjustments to Zoro and Luffy's steering that may arise from the change in water paths. Everyone understand their positions?"

King hopped up and down. "You forgot to assign me something!" he signed, and I translated for her sake.

The weapons master blinked. "...So I did. Sorry, King."

"I don't have anything to do, either, Nojiko-chwan!" pointed out Sanji lovingly.

She frowned and rubbed her chin. "Hm… I don't really need you two to do anything, so why don't you just sit tight for now? You can relax for now while we handle everything, alright?"

Sanji and King seemed to deflate at this, but shrugged to each other and nodded their assent. Over at the figurehead, Luffy giggled and spun about. "You're pretty smart, Nojiko!" he laughed. "Alright! I've decided! You'll be our strategist!"

She blushed. "S-strategist? Really? I'm good at making plans, but I'm not sure - -"

"You'll be fine, you'll be fine!" The straw-hatted man turned to look at me after a moment, and I returned his gaze with confusion. "Oh, and Evan? I just thought of something. You can change anything you like in our future… but don't tell us any big spoilers, okay? Except for Nojiko and King Kong. You can tell them since you said they weren't gonna be a part of our crew originally."

Nojiko raised her eyebrow. "Huh, and since I'm now the strategist, it would allow me to help make good plans for our crew… interesting."

"Yeah, that was almost… uncharacteristically smart," I said, humming. "Well, sure thing, cap'n. I'll be sure to keep that in mind."

"Alright, that aside, let's hop to it," said our new strategist, and everyone scrambled to their positions.

I scooted across the railing, not trusting myself or the universe enough to let go of it, to the front of the ship. Once I was there, I stood still, taking deep breaths and focusing my concentration. We were still only about halfway down the mountain, so we still had a bit of time before we really needed to work. While I waited, I broke out into singing _Bohemian Rhapsody_ , nodding my head while I did so.

Finally, just when I was starting to get antsy, Nojiko shouted that it was time to act.

I went to work immediately. My eyes closed, my breathing slowed, and I mentally wrestled with the current for control over it. After a minute or so, it yielded to me, and triumphantly, I ordered it to curve to the left. It complied with begrudging curses, whispering irked vulgarities that would have a nun trying to wash its mouth out. You know how people say "cursing like a sailor?" Yeah, well, sailors curse like the sea.

Using my current-bending abilities, Luffy and Zoro pushed against the rudder with all their might. We slowly began turning to the left. Here and there, Nami shouted instructions so we wouldn't capsize, but for the most part, we managed to get onto the new current without any problem. I opened my eyes to see us sailing straight past Laboon harmlessly, the _Merry_ undamaged. That was great news - - she could really benefit from staying as much in-shape as she could.

"WOO HOO!" cheered Luffy, tearing out of the room that the rudder was in with a great, big smile on his face. "WE MADE IT!"

Usopp stared up at the whale we were passing by with a slackened jaw that looked like it would never reset itself. "Holycrapthatthing'shuge," he gulped in a single breath. He shivered and took several steps back. "I bet that thing could eat an entire battleship… No, an entire _fleet_ of battleships!"

Zoro came out on desk, craning his head to look up at the top. "How big do you think it is, anyway?" he asked, raising his eyebrow.

"That's what she said," I snarked under my breath with an evil grin, wagging my finger.

The resident marimo sent me an annoyed glare. "Really?"

"Really."

Ignoring me, Nojiko shielded her eyes from the sun as she, too, strained to see the whale's top. "Um… I'd wager it's at least two or three thousand meters."

"How'd something this huge get here?" Luffy wondered in awe. "And what's it doing?"

Everyone was silent for a while as they tried to think of a good answer for that. We didn't get much of a chance to think about it, however, because just then, we saw another ship come around Laboon's back. Its sail was raised, so I couldn't make out what mark they bore, and they were paddling to a spot some meters ahead of us. Upon reaching said spot, they dropped anchor, then fired what looked to be grappling hooks up in the air which soared up to the whale's head. I blinked in surprise - - that had to be a ridiculous amount of rope attached to the harpoon. Was something like that even possible?

"Hey, they just fired grappling hooks into that whale's head!" signed an outraged King Kong, hopping up and down in fury. "That could hurt it!"

"Who do they think they are!?" demanded Usopp, snarling his agreement with the vervet monkey.

Before our very eyes, two people attached to the other ends of the grappling hooks shot through the air. One was a blue-haired young lady with a tan so perfect that the average American girl would've killed for it, and the other person was a weird-ass man in jaunty green clothes, with a face you could forget in about two seconds. They had huge bazookas under their arms. I heard a deep growl come from behind me, and Luffy stomped into my view, his eyes flaring with anger.

"I don't know why…" grumbled Luffy, wheeling his arm back behind him so quickly that it looked as though there was an afterimage following its path, "but I just _really_ want to punch them."

With that, he let his arm _fly_ , and as we all watched, it tore through the air on a direct path with the two people (who were obviously Vivi and her fellow agent). They may have been ascending quickly, but they were no match for a pissed-off Luffy. His stretchy fist barreled straight into first the man, whose number I could _not_ remember, and then into Vivi. They started falling into the ocean with shouts of terror and surprise.

We sweatdropped as Luffy's arm retracted into normal position with a rubbery snap.

"Well, that's one way to free Willy," I muttered, raising my eyebrow.

King stared at me flatly. He signed, "What."

Usopp frowned. "Do you think we should fish them out of the water?"

"I don't care," Luffy admitted with a shrug. "They're not pissing me off anymore."

I nodded and cracked my knuckles. "Right, I'm on it," I said, and walked to the railing. I pointed to the spot of ocean I'd witnessed them falling into, and closed my eyes, willing the ocean to tell me their current depth. After some begrudging complaining, it complied. I concentrated on the water around the sinking Baroque Works agents, forcing it to form a sort of bubble that rose up to the surface of the sea. It then levitated through the air towards our caravel, and once it came to hover over our heads, the water broke apart and deposited the terrified agents roughly upon our deck.

"W-What the…" they gasped, scrambling to their feet, disoriented.

Vivi's eyes fell on us and she took a nervous step backwards. "Who are you people!?"

I grinned cheekily. "Pirates - - pirates who both knocked you off that whale and saved your hides from the sea. Care to tell us who the hell you two are, and what exactly you were planning to do to this innocent whale?"

They exchanged nervous glances.

"You're not gonna throw us into the water again, are you?" asked the very forgettable Number Agent hesitantly.

Zoro's eyes sparked, and he grinned ferally. "That depends on how much we like your answer," he said, unsheathing Wado Ichimonji and licking its flat side like a sadist.

I swear the agent and double agent pissed their pants in terror.

It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

* * *

Two pairs of very displeased eyes bore down on us like puppies who had been tossed in a lake. Which was actually quite an accurate description of "Miss Wednesday" and "Mr. 9." Water dripped heavily from the pair's hair and clothes, their bazookas were completely waterlogged, and they looked very betrayed.

"Why the hell'd you throw us back in!?" demanded Mr. 9 with a huff.

I stared flatly at them. "You were gonna kill this poor whale for food."

"Yeah, so?"

The rage in Luffy's glare was matched only by the flatness in my own eyes.

The blue-haired double agent glared at him and smacked him upside the head. "Mr. 9!" she chided, glancing nervously at us. "Stop speaking, _please_. You're just digging us deeper!"

The sly-looking man turned to her with hurt eyes. "B-But… what's so bad about putting this thing out of its own misery so that our town can be happy again!?"

 _SLAM!_

The entire mountain shook under our feet as, below the water's surface, Laboon slammed his head against the rocks and wailed pitifully. If we hadn't all been seated at a table, we would've probably lost our balance. As it was, several of us had to shoot our hands out to steady our glasses and keep them from falling over.

While Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday had made their case, we had decided to set up camp at the lighthouse on the Twin Capes. I had helped Usopp and Sanji bring out a table to set up on the rocks, along with enough chairs for us all. Nojiko and Nami had then set the table while Sanji retreated into the ship's kitchen to start cooking the bluefin elephant tuna which he had won back in Loguetown. I usually wasn't much one for seafood, but the aroma drifting from the kitchen was absolutely mouthwatering. Once the agents had finished up their explanation, an extremely unimpressed Luffy, King, and I had worked together to toss them back in the ocean, only to fish them out again.

Which brings us to our current point in time.

"Yeeeeah, see, the fact that the whale's already in pain _really_ is not helping your case," I growled dangerously, cracking my knuckles. "You're just lucky we're not the type to kill on a whim."

Vivi's glare at Mr. 9 was almost on a Nami level.

I couldn't hold back a smirk at that, and almost burst into laughter, but I was saved by Luffy, who suddenly shouted, "Oi, that huge whale's not attacking the mountain anymore!"

I blinked and looked up. "Really?"

Luffy was right - - Laboon had stopped slamming his head against the mountain, probably due to Crocus' sedatives. As I watched the mouth of the current, Laboon's gigantic head surfaced again, and he idled on the surface of the water. I made a mental note to give the good doctor a huge pat on the back for being such an awesome dude. Crocus really cared for Laboon. However, the thought of Crocus made me flinch and sweatdrop. _I wonder if we'd ever see him_ …? _The only reason we met him in canon was because the ship got eaten by Laboon, and he only came out of the whale's stomach in the first place to lead_ us _out_.

As it turns out, I didn't have to worry.

The grating sound of many large gears turning cut into the air, making us all flinch from the suddenness of it, and we looked in confusion for the source. There was the metallic _thud_ of something sliding into place and catching, and the gear sounds stopped. Flabbergasted, my friends, the agents, and I exchanged glances and shrugged. One moment later, a ship came sailing around Laboon's other side, heading to the capes. It was only a fishing boat and didn't have any marks on its sails. If I had to guess, this would probably be to avoid detection by the Marines - - because the man aboard the ship was undoubtedly Crocus himself, complete with the weird flowery thing over the back of his head.

"What's that guy doing in a dinky little boat like that, on a sea like this?" Usopp wondered with a sweatdrop, his sniper goggles trained on Crocus' ship.

Nami tilted her head. "Are you sure that's a human? It almost looks like a flower."

"Don't be silly," I snorted. "Flowers aren't sentient, and they can't walk or talk."

* * *

 _A secret resort island somewhere on the Grand Line…_

" _ACHOO!_ "

A tall, lonely-looking man sitting on a throne in the middle of a forest, looked with concern at the flower with the face that sat on his shoulder in its clay pot. "What's the matter, Lily?"

One of the flower's leaves bent up to wipe its nose. " ** _I think someone might have mentioned me_** **…** "

"Lily, everyone who comes to these parts dies. Who could possibly be aware of your existence? Are you sure you're not sick?"

" ** _Flowers don't get human colds, Baron_** **,** " deadpanned the talking flower.

* * *

Shivers ran down my spine momentarily.

"Why did you just shiver so badly?" signed King, perched on my shoulder and swishing his tail. "It's pretty warm here."

I frowned, confused myself. "Uh… I don't know. I'm not cold or sick or anything… weird. Anyway," I continued, raising my voice, "that there is someone you should all know from old bounty posters of famous pirate crews. Although come to think of it, I don't recall ever seeing a poster for him in the story…"

"Famous pirate crews?" Luffy blinked and then hopped to his feet in excitement. "That old geezer's a pirate!?"

"Ex-pirate," corrected Miss Wednesday with a huff. "His name is Crocus. He hangs out in that whale's stomach. I can't even tell you how many times he's blocked us from killing that whale. We were hoping to take him by surprise today."

Nami frowned and tapped her chin. "Crocus, Crocus, Crocus… where have I seen that name before? I can't quite remember…"

"You said he was from a famous crew, right, Evan?" Zoro asked, and I nodded confirmation. He paused a moment, closed his eyes, and then nodded. "I think I remember a poster with a guy named that in the Roger Pirates' stack of bounties. That was a thirty-year-old poster, though."

Everyone minus the agent and double agent froze as this information processed.

"H-Hold on… you're saying that the flower-looking guy…" Nojiko said, twitching, "is a surviving member of the _Pirate King's_ crew!?"

"Well, why don't you just ask that _flower-looking guy_ yourself?" growled a gruff voice that made us all jump.

We turned in shock - - and there was Crocus himself, looming over our table with shadowed eyes and a thin frown.

"Well, are you!?" demanded Luffy, grinning widely.

Crocus stared at us.

And stared some more.

And stared even more.

And stared _even more than that._

"Yes," he said.

"DON'T LOOK AT US LIKE THAT; YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!" roared an outraged Nojiko, raising a shaking fist to punch him. Zoro had to hold her back to keep her from attacking.

"You shouldn't punch me," Crocus warned deeply, in a tone that made all of us shiver. "That'll make someone get hurt."

Usopp slid slowly out of his seat and took a nervous step backward. "A-and who would that be!?"

Crocus stared at us.

And stared some more.

And stared even more.

And stared _even more than that._

"Me," he stated flatly.

Zoro's hand flashed down to his swords, unsheathing Wado Ichimonji several inches. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A MEMBER OF _GOD'S_ CREW, I'M GONNA CUT YOU!" he snarled, his face red. It was Nojiko's turn to have to hold _him_ back now.

Crocus stared at us.

And stared some more.

And stared even more.

And stared _even more than that._

King jumped off my shoulder and stomped on the table angrily. "WOULD YOU FREAKING STOP THAT ALREADY!?" he signed furiously, making his movements more pronounced to convey his edginess.

"Young people these days," he grumbled. "Can't even take a running gag."

"THAT WAS A GAG!?" roared everyone except Luffy and I. We two morons burst into fits of laughter, clutching our stomachs at the others' expressions. Nami and Zoro _glared_ at us. If looks could kill, we would've been six feet under.

"King," Nami said sweetly, "could you please handle _those two_ for me?"

For some reason, the glaring monkey stepped off the table and then crouched. "Already on it," he signed, and then he… reached behind him? Wait, what was that brown stuff he had just thro - -!?

 _SPLAT SPLAT_.

"ARGH, _AGAIN_!?" moaned Luffy, spitting out a wad of monkey dung. "GROSS!"

I wiped my mouth and glared at King Kong in betrayed hurt. " _This is mutiny! This is madness!_ "

"No," he signed, his eye twitching. " _This. Is. Payback_."

While the rest of the crew chuckled at our misfortune, and Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 smirked, Luffy and I stumbled to the water and dunked our faces, washing off the remnants of the dung in the sea. The disgusting smell still hung in my nose, but at least there wasn't any more of it on my face. Once we were clean again, we made our way back to the others, who were busy talking with Crocus.

"Interesting," Nami was musing, holding an almost snow-globe like sphere with a single needle suspended inside it by a wire. Leather extended from either side on the bottom, so that it could be strapped to something. "So this Log Pose is the only way to navigate in the Grand Line?"

"Huh? Why can't we just use a compass?" Luffy said, taking his seat back.

"Crocus said it was something to do with all the islands giving off super-strong magnetic fields," said Zoro, folding his arms. "The Log Pose picks up the island's signals, and wherever the red-tipped side of the needle points, that's where the next island's located."

"Oh." Luffy blinked. "Cool!"

"There's actually seven different paths you can take out of Reverse Mountain," Crocus told us, folding his hands together. "Standing in different places along the Twin Capes here will give you the locations of each island. Since you seem like good people, and saved Laboon from _those two_ ," he said, jabbing his thumb at Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9, "I can lend you my Log Pose there. I won't be needing it, anyway."

"Wow, really?" Nami said, excitement rising in her voice. "Thanks, Crocus!"

"Ah!" said Mr. 9, staring at the Log Pose with wide eyes. "Actually, that points to our home! We're a town that welcomes pirates, so I'm sure you'd be treated like heroes if you went there. If you could bring us home with you, that would be very helpful. We're out of food on our ship."

Luffy hummed, his lips pulled in, as he stared at the two in the most unimpressed look I have ever seen from anyone, ever.

"The Log Poses," he said suddenly, reaching into his shorts pocket and extracting something from it. "Do they all look like this?"

Silence reigned as we regarded the object in Luffy's hand that was most definitely a Log Pose, and was also most definitely _not_ the one Nami was already holding.

"Y-Yeah, actually…" Crocus muttered with a sweatdrop.

Nami's eye twitched. " _Hold on_ …" she snarled.

"Uh oh," said Nojiko, with a small, knowing grin.

"You're telling me that you had a Log Pose this _entire time_ and didn't bother to tell me about it."

Luffy shrugged. "Yep. I found one in Loguetown. I didn't know what it was, but it looked cool, so I brought it with me. Why?'

"...Give it to me, please."

"Sure."

He handed over the Log Pose, even as I hesitantly said, "Um, Luffy, you might not want to do that - -"

"GO TAKE A SWIM, MORON!" barked Nami, kicking him into the water so perfectly that football teams would've been scrambling to recruit her.

I sweatdropped. "Eeyup, because that's gonna happen…"

With a flat face, I fished Luffy out of the ocean using my powers, and deposited him upon the rocks. His stomach was already bloated from water intake. Grumbling under his breath about moronic captains, Zoro got up and stepped over to him. Once he was standing over the ridiculously fat Luffy, he immediately proceeded to stomp repeatedly on his stomach, forcing the water within to come spurting out of his mouth like a geyser. It was such a funny sight that none of us could hold back chuckles.

"You guys are jerks!" declared a mock-hurt Luffy. "And just when I was about to tell you my new decision!"

Everyone blinked.

"New decision?" echoed Nojiko.

Zoro's eye twitched. "Hold on, how come I feel like this isn't going to turn out to be anything good?"

"What is it you were gonna tell us?" King signed for me to translate.

"I've decided where we're going!" declared our captain. "We're going to be taking the route on _our_ Log Pose!"

I stared. "Wait… But we're supposed to take Crocus'!" I hissed, loud enough for only the other Straw Hats to hear. " _Our_ Log Pose is pointing to a different island than his!"

Luffy grinned. "Even better! Now you won't get spoiled yourself, right?"

I ground my teeth together. "B-But…" I almost opened my mouth, but something Luffy had told me earlier came back to mind. "Grk… never mind, spoilers…"

"I guess it's decided, then," muttered Nojiko. She paused, then took a look at the sedated Laboon. "Hey, Crocus, there's one last thing I've been wondering. What's wrong with that whale? Why was it slamming into Reverse Mountain?"

Before Crocus could answer, a delicious, aroma filled the air. Everyone looked around eagerly for the source. There striding proudly across the rocks, carrying an incredibly huge platter of some brilliant fish dinner, was Sanji.

"How about you tell us all over a plate of delicious bluefin elephant tuna?" he offered, grinning as he strode toward us.

Everyone's stomachs rumbled hungrily.

"...I wouldn't say no to that," Crocus admitted.

* * *

An hour later, the sun was setting, we were all finally done eating, and Laboon's sad tale had been told. Everyone was sitting pretty comfortably around the table, our bellies full of delicious fish. After Luffy had heard what had happened to Laboon, though, he had challenged Laboon, just like in canon. The difference here, though, was that he'd at least taken one of Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday's ship's masts instead of the _Merry_ 's. Thank Oda for small blessings. After Luffy had had enough and hope had been instilled within Laboon again, he'd returned to his seat at the table, exhausted and sweaty, but very pleased with himself.

"Well then!" he declared, grinning widely and clapping his hands. "If there's nothing more we need here, let's just get going! Shishishi! To our first Grand Line island!"

"Aye aye, cap'n!" we cheered, though Usopp's and mine were a little less enthusiastic than the others'.

"Good luck, and safe travels," Crocus said with a grin, waving as we packed everything onto the _Going Merry_. He'd really opened up to us after Luffy helped Laboon. He was a pretty swell guy once you got to know him. "The Grand Line's first stretch of water is usually the worst, most unpredictable part, but you guys actually got lucky. If I'm right, the island that your Log Pose points to is only a few hours away. It's not even far enough from the Red Line for the weather to be crazy like usual."

"Thank Oda for _that_ ," I muttered. Memories of the Straw Hats' initial venture through the first stretch of sea floated through my mind, and I did _not_ want to suffer through _that_ madness.

"Thanks for everything, Old Flower Guy!" said Luffy happily.

Zoro brought the last chair aboard the ship and set it down with a huff. "There, that's everything. We can leave anytime."

"Let's go, then!" Sanji said. "I want to see what this sea is _really_ like."

"Are we really fine with leaving Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday with no way to get back home, though?" signed King Kong while I translated.

Luffy shrugged. "They're jerks for wanting to kill Laboon, and anyway, if we decide we don't like our path, we can turn around, follow the opposite end of the needle back here, and take them with us to their hometown, right?"

"I… think so?" said Nami uncertainly.

He nodded. "Right, then everything's just fine! Besides, how bad could that island possibly be?

* * *

 _Two and a half hours later. The Straw Hat's first stop on the Grand Line._

"Luffy…" I growled, staring up ahead of me, where a small-handed, whiny blond man stood shouting at us furiously from a tall platform with a red-and-white flag behind him. I struggled against the cold steel keeping me strapped to the enormous wall that ran around the island's full perimeter. "I blame this all on you. Every. Single. Bit of it."

"PEOPLE OF OHIO!" roared the blond man. He raised his hand up and touched his middle finger to his thumb, extending the others, to emphasize his words. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THESE MEN AND WOMEN BEFORE YOU ARE!?"

"PIRATES!" roared the island populace.

"THAT'S RIGHT! AND PIRATES ARE VERY BAD HOMBRES! THAT'S WHY I BUILT THE WALL AROUND THE ISLAND - - TO KEEP THEM OUT. IT IS NECESSARY TO MAKE OHIO SAFE AGAIN! TO MAKE OHIO _WEALTHY_ AGAIN! AND TO MAKE! OHIO! GREAT AGAIN!"

The entire populace roared with approval.

Zoro's eye twitched murderously as he struggled in his chains. Hell, _everyone_ 's eyes were twitching. To an outsider, it might have looked as though we were part of a circus or something. "You just had to say it, didn't you, captain?"

"I didn't think it would be bad!" whined a frustrated Luffy, hogtied in more chains than an average submissive.

"Alright, that does it," Nami hissed.

" _Evan…_ " everyone snarled, " _we completely agree with you._ "

* * *

 _The next morning. The Twin Capes._

"Back so soon?" Crocus said, raising an eyebrow. "...You all look like shit. What happened to you?"

" _ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING,_ " everyone said furiously, absolutely refusing to accept the previous night's events as reality.

I glared mutinously at our captain. "What has last night taught us, Luffy?"

"Tuh nevah stray fum ca'on coursh," groaned Luffy, his face swelled so badly from a volley of Nami's and Nojiko's punches that it was rather impressive he could still even breathe through it all.

Nami nodded. "Good boy."

Crocus sweatdropped. He had no idea what the hell had happened out there... but somehow, it seemed like something he didn't quite _want_ to know.


	13. Mother Nature Is a Jerk

**Disclaimer:** Hey guys! TheRealEvanSG back with another chapter of the rising new SI! Yes, I realize this chapter is a bit short in comparison to the longer wait, but that's mainly because I want to make Whiskey Peak its own separate chapter. So you can look forward to a _much_ larger chapter next update. I do apologize for the somewhat long wait, too; I've been working on a genderbender Crack!fic for RWBY on the side ( _A Blonde With an Extra E_ ) and I highly suggest you go read that if you like RWBY and want a few hard laughs. I've also been working on my very own original story now as well as playing Minecraft, so all in all, the production rate slowed for this chapter pretty drastically.

I now have a Patre0n at /TheRealEvanSG! Go on and head over there to become a patron if you want access to cool perks like omakes written for you, The All-Seeing Author's and Bathory's reactions to the story, and even behind-the-scenes access! Despite the fact that I have a Patre0n for _Ripples in the Pond_ , though, I sadly still do not own _One Piece_ or any part in it.

* * *

Chapter 12: Mother Nature is a Jerk

"You sure you want to take these guys with you?" asked Crocus wearily, jabbing his thumb at Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday. The two agents were currently in our possession, standing despondently on our ship guarded by Zoro and Sanji.

"We'll be fine!" said Luffy with an inimitable grin. "Their home's going to be on our first island anyway."

"First island?" Crocus blinked. "But didn't you all already land -"

"NO, WE DID NOT!" we all denied heavily. Our glares that we sent him were even more intense than his running gag ones.

He sweatdropped. "Oooookaaay… Well, in any case, you all had best be on your most aware from here on out. Grand Line weather is more punishing than a woman's wrath on the best of days, but the stretch of sea from the Capes to every first island save for Ohio is some of the worst patches in the whole place. Drop your guards for even one second, and you could be grinding stones in Davy Jones' locker quicker than you can say _Garp is a moron_." Luffy blinked at the mention of his grandfather, and made to open his mouth, but before he could say anything, Nami beat him to the punch.

"Oh, don't worry about us!" she said with a beatific smile. "I'm the best navigator these seas have ever laid their eyes on. I'll get us through anything it can throw at us. And these guys will do anything I tell them to as soon as I tell them to do it, meaning that we'll breeze harmlessly across the sea to Whiskey Peak. _Right_ , boys?" she added, casting a menacing grin our way.

We jerked to attention. "R-right!" we barked, saluting the navigator.

 _Ha!_ I thought I heard the waves chortle. _I'd like to see you try_!

I suddenly got a very bad feeling about the next couple of hours.

"Don't say I didn't warn you kids," said Crocus with a thin smirk. "You lot keep safe out there, you hear?"

"Sure won't do!" said Luffy far too cheerfully. "We're pirates, after all! Danger is in our blood! Besides, what's the fun in playing it safely?"

My eye twitched furiously. "What our captain means is," I growled through a tense grin, "we _absolutely will stay safe_. Isn't that right, _Luffy_?"

Luffy frowned. "No. What the hell, Evan? Where's your sense of adventure?"

I facepalmed. "Just… just do whatever the hell you damn want…" I moaned, thinking longingly of my safe bedroom back home in Ohio. Er… the _America_ Ohio, not the Grand Line one. _Definitely_ not the Grand Line one. Great, I just gave myself nightmares and I wasn't even sleeping.

...I think I might have PTSD. Lovely.

With the explanation of what we would be doing out of the way, we said our goodbyes to the kindly old man and his way-too-oversized pet whale and cast off on our _real_ path through the Grand Line. Usopp and Sanji chatted animatedly on the front deck about their expectations for Grand Line weather, while Nami ceaselessly got on Zoro's case for trying to fall asleep and I manned the steering rudder. Luffy was showing off his non-rubbery moves to King for him to copy, the vervet monkey watching with interested and nodding in time with Luffy's attacks. Nojiko tended to Bell-mere's tangerines, humming something that sounded suspiciously like _Smells Like Nirvana_ as she watered them and made sure each one was growing healthily. Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday pouted in the dining room, probably bemoaning having to spend the day with nasty, smelly pirates.

All in all, it was as normal as if the events of the previous night had _not_ just transpired.

And then, in the blink of an eye, Mother Nature shitted on us.

Oh, you sweet summer child, you thought that was a metaphor? Guess again, sister! A literal hailstorm of putrid dung fell out of the sky and battered the sea around us. We panicked and ran about knocking the brown matter out of the sky to avoid it slamming into our caravel. One might think that, besides being thoroughly disgusting, "chocolate rain" might not be that much of a danger to a sailing ship; basketball-sized lumps of poop from the Black Lagoon, traveling at sufficient velocity, however, _definitely_ were.

Zoro snapped Wado Ichimonji out of its sheath and cleaved the air in two, resulting in two equivalent halves of dung falling harmlessly past our ship and kicking up plumes of water that climbed fifty feet into the sky. Then he froze and shivered violently. "I JUST CUT SOMEONE'S SHIT!" he roared in a cold sweat, looking around for something to wipe off his precious sword on like a young girl who had discovered she had a spider on her.

"Okay, this is worse than the cats and dogs," signed King, accompanied with a disgusted groan, as he leaped into the air and kicked aside a pile of dung larger around than my head.

Luffy swung his arms back, then blasted them forward, forming a large net with his fingers and swinging everything that got caught inside clear of the ship. Then he wiped off his fingers furiously on _Merry'_ s railing. "Ewewewewew!" he whined.

"Oi!" barked a stark mad Usopp. "Don't defile _Merry_ 's pristine white wood with your crap-fingers!"

Luffy turned to regard him with a flat face.

And proceeded to wipe his fingers off on Usopp's shirt instead, grinning savagely.

"DON'T WIPE THEM OFF ON ME EITHER!" the poor sniper cried as he tore away from the darkly giggling pirate captain.

Finally, the sky cleared of "chocolate rain," and we took a moment to breath in relief… and also nearly throw up in our mouths due to the now-putrid air. However, that moment definitely didn't last too long. Two seconds later, Nami straightened up in a fright, her eyes wide and terrified. She cupped her hands in front of her mouth and roared, "EVAN, GET OUT HERE AND CONCENTRATE ON THE SEA! A WHIRLPOOL'S GOING TO FORM RIGHT IN FRONT OF US IN FIVE SECONDS!"

" _WHAT!?_ " I cried in exasperation, racing out of the rudder room to skid to a stop beside her and glance desperately where she pointed.

Sure enough, a circle of water straight ahead, around fifty meters wide, was disturbingly still in comparison to the rest of the ocean, the eye of a hurricane just _waiting_ to erupt into existence. No sooner had the thought had time to flash through my brain did the water suddenly funnel downwards in a massive whirlpool. Letting slip a rare curse, I closed my eyes and concentrated on the whirlpool as if I were a schoolboy cramming in a panicked extra couple of minutes of studying during class before a looming test. I willed the sea to calm the _hell_ down, and it responded by throwing a geyser of water up in my face, its biggest, most degrading middle finger. The degrading part was helped by the fact that this particular geyser carried with it a lump of dung from the recent hailstorm. The lump rebounded off my head and crashed into _Merry's_ deck with a sickening groan of wood.

I sputtered indignantly and smashed my foot into the lump of dung, which of course only served to make me cry out in pain and now have disgusting brown gunk covering my shoe and jeans.

"Somehow I don't think the sea's very eager to follow my will!" I growled, glowering at the waves, which flung themselves into the sky and broke around us like a whale very pleased with itself for having caught a big dosage of krill.

"Oh, great!" Nami snarled, glaring out at the whirlpool we had almost entered with equal intensity. "Can this weather get any weirder!?"

I turned to her with great, terrified eyes. "Nami, tell me you did _not_ just say that."

She blinked, rage exchanged for confusion. "Huh? Why?"

"Have you ever heard of Murphy's Law?"

"No. Why do you sa - -"

The word barely formed on her lips when angry grey cumulonimbus clouds, like great big marshmallows of doom, defiance, and godly recompense, covered the sky, and a bolt of lightning burned through the air between the two of us. Had it been any closer to us, we'd have been struck. As it was, when I'd finished blinking spots away a minute later, my skin was still heated more than a prissy girl at a tanning salon. Our hair stuck up in crazy angles like we were Ben Franklin with a key and a kite. A charred hole the size of a ping pong ball burned through several of _Merry's_ floors between our feet, although through some abnormal stroke of luck, it didn't quite make it through to her hull.

"Because that's why," I said weakly.

Nami's lips formed an _o_ of horror. "Um… oops?"

"Guys?" called Nojiko, peeking out from the tangerine bushes with terrified eyes. "I think we have a bit of a problem. Do whirlpools move on their own normally?"

"No," replied Nami, her countenance the picture of horror and dread. "Why do you sa - -"

And yet again, she did not get to finish the sentence, because the moment that her lips had formed the final word, our stomachs suddenly dropped to the center of the Earth. For a terrible moment, we didn't move at all, and the waves' lapping against the surface of the ocean grew horrifyingly distant. Dreading what I would see, I staggered to the side of the ship, a zombie shambling across the floor, and peered down at my impending doom.

Mother Nature had decided that it wasn't enough to merely open up a whirlpool directly in front of our ship. Oh, no. No, of course she'd decided an apt punishment for us being completely batshit _stupid_ enough to enter the Grand Line was to _transpose said whirlpool so that its center was directly below our ship_.

I kid you not, we froze in the air for three seconds. I don't know what crazy kind of cartoon physics worked in this world, but I thank whatever being decided to make them possible, because those three seconds were the maximum time I needed to throw out my thoughts to the water twenty-five meters away from us and unleash all my panic and fury on it, whipping it into shape to form a waterway that would carry us straight across the surface of the whirlpool. Mother Nature clearly did _not_ like being cheated out of getting a tasty treat of seven stupid pirates, if the second massive, dung-filled geyser that erupted in my face was anything to go by.

I rose my middle finger up to it, wiping my face off furiously and forcing myself not to breathe through my nose. "Yeah, fuck you, too!"

We sailed harmlessly over the surface of the probably-hundred-foot deep whirlpool. Usopp, who clung to the mast as if it was the last thing between him and Hell, hyperventilated in his panic, and King was bent over, breathing fast in his own fear. Sometime between the not-hailstorm and now, Zoro had laid in an alcove off the side of the cabins and fallen asleep, unseen by Nami. Luffy sat on the figurehead giggling up a storm, and Nojiko was walking down to the deck, holding her head as if incredibly dizzy. Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday remained in their seats in the mess hall, likely guessing what crazy situation we'd find ourselves in next. Sanji, meanwhile, had retreated into the kitchen to prepare an energizing meal that would keep us on our toes through the hormonal weather.

For a few seconds, the weather was normal again, except for the angry, grey marshmallows hanging like bad dreams over our heads.

That was when the lightning tornadoes started.

Our first warning came as a low rumble, akin to the growl of a ferocious, fantastical beast. Then there was a bright flash that bathed the whole ocean in bright, yellow light. I automatically flinched, my hand shooting up to shield my eyes from the blinding glow. Then the light faded, and the sea fell deathly silent again. Nami and I looked at each other, our eyebrows raised in anxiety and fear.

"Um," I managed to choke out, "lightning isn't supposed to sound like that, is it?"

She shook her red-haired head slowly, looking for all the world like a ghost. "Then again, static electricity isn't supposed to swirl around in a vortex, either, and yet that's exactly what I'm sensing sixty meters to starboard."

Nojiko, hair raising in the air from the increasing static electricity, stepped up beside me, looking out to sea. "Yeah… that's _really_ not good," she said, and upon our questioning looks, she pointed at the next level of the gauntlet we'd entered.

About sixty meters off the starboard bow, just as Nami had predicted, there was definitely _something_ going on. The air crackled with light, and I could hear the wind howling from here. The water seemed to scatter from the spot as if it wanted no part in the absolute fuckery of physics that was about to go on. As we watched in abstract terror, the flashes of swirling light slowly flashed brighter and swirled faster, until at last they were accompanied by loud claps of thunder that shook _Merry_ 's deck boards and made the very ocean tremble. With a great roar like speakers blowing out, the amalgamation of energy finally appeared to reach a point where it could swirl no faster or flash no brighter, and instead decided to up and spin through the air straight toward us.

"A LIGHTNING TORNADO!?" roared Nami, shaking her fist at the sky. "REALLY!? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE _THAT_!?"

King leaped to the railing in front of Nojiko, signing faster than the tornado's spinning and stamping his foot furiously.

I translated for a flabbergasted Nojiko: "He says, 'you're the ship strategist here, DO SOMETHING BEFORE WE ALL DIE!'"

The shocked strategist blinked and then facepalmed. "Oh, right, of course! Um… um…" Nami's sister hesitated, and looked about the ship in a cold sweat. "Erm... Ah, got it! Luffy!"

Our captain blinked and looked over his shoulder at us. "Eh?"

"You're made of rubber, so you should be immune to electricity. Rubber's, like, one of the best insulators, after all, and one of the absolute worst conductors. So, what I want you to do is to stretch yourself out enough to cover the entire ship in a dome. That way, the lightning tornado should hit you and simply pass over us, and you won't be hurt one bit. We're gonna need to get you over the mast somehow, though…" Nojiko paused, lost for ideas.

I blinked, then struck my palm with my fist. "Oh, I think I can handle this one! King, you're a monkey, so you're good at climbing, right?"

King shrugged. "Yeah. You want me to pull Luffy up and over the mast?" he guessed, his hands pumping out the words.

I nodded. "Got it in one."

"Good idea, Evan," praised Nojiko, grinning. "Alright, we'll need four people to make sure Luffy's arms and legs stay down on opposite ends of the ship."

Nojiko and I ended up taking Luffy's arms, while Nami and Usopp took care of his legs, and Zoro continued to snore away. We stretched out Luffy's skin to cover as much of the ship as we could, and then King grabbed hold of our captain's side with one paw and scampered up the mast with the other three. Upon reaching the top, he simply leaped off and landed smoothly on his feet; the grating sound of stretching rubber pervaded the air as he fell. He then carried his side of Luffy to the opposite end of the ship, and Nojiko and Nami raced to bring the arm and leg they held respectively to that end as well. When all was said and done, we'd made a giant, living sheet of Luffy that covered the whole ship and awashed us all in shadow.

Not a moment too soon, either. Through cracks in the Luffy-sheet, we were able to see the lightning tornado strike us just as we finished stretching our captain. Our ears rang with the roar of thunder as it passed over us, and I was sure I'd be permanently deaf once the danger had passed. A couple seconds later, however, it was all over, and we released Luffy, who snapped back into a normal human shape with enough force to send him flipping head-over-heels above the mast in a perfect 3960 degrees. That is, until he lost momentum and came crashing to the deck.

When the charismatic young man got to his feet, he was so dizzy that his walking looked like he was another tornado.

"Which way's left and which way's right?" he groaned pitifully.

I whacked him upside the head so hard that it slammed into the boards, then snapped back up into position and wobbled like a bobblehead. His eyes jiggled in their sockets for a moment, like really strange, Halloween-style jello, before righting themselves and pausing. He blinked, blinked again, and then a pleased grin spread across his face.

"Oh, thanks, Evan!" he said happily, dashing once more to his favorite spot on the figurehead.

I gave a sharp salute to his back. "Anytime, captain."

King stared through half-lidded eyes. "I'm not even going to question the logic behind that solution," he deadpanned with his hands.

"Joking aside," groaned Nami, casting a _dirty_ look at the cloud-covered sky to rival even Akainu's glares, "just what the HELL IS UP WITH THIS WEATHER!? What are you going to give us next, a freaking _living iceberg_!?"

To my fast-growing horror and shock, a patch of ocean twenty feet off the ship rose up into the air, forming a giant arm that… gave us a thumbs-up?

"... _Evan, please tell me that was you_ ," whined Usopp, turning towards me with a trembling smile.

I turned to face him, too, my face paler than a ghost. "...I wish I could say it was," I choked, "but that definitely was _not_ me."

For several moments, the entire crew was deathly silent.

Then we turned to look in the path our ship was headed, and I don't think anyone was surprised to see the giant mountain of ice rising up from the surface of the sea. Admittedly, after Laboon and Reverse Mountain, the two-hundred foot high and five-hundred foot long iceberg somehow didn't seem so huge. It still completely dwarfed the _Going Merry_ , though, and cast a shadow that threw the sea in all directions around us in deep, deep darkness.

"...I really, _really_ wish I could've stayed back on the Conomi Islands," groused Nojiko, her teeth grinding restlessly.

"I know the feeling…" I sighed wearily.

That was when a thin tendril of the solid ice lifted off of the side, reached up to the mountain's peak, and dug into the frozen water. Cracks fractured in a very large area, and then as all of us minus Zoro watched, it broke apart the fifty-foot pyramid of ice from its peak, and tossed it straight at our ship.

Sanji was completely still as our impending doom fell silently toward us. "Nami, I would normally never admit this, but this one's on you. Completely and utterly."

Usopp passed out cold.

* * *

Several hours later found us through the first stretch of the sea with relative safety, but extreme exhaustion. Everyone lay panting on the caravel's deck, deader than… wait, no, Moriah's zombies were technically half-living. Scratch that, I was too tired to even come up with an appropriate hyperbole for the sheer _lack_ of energy in my limbs. Every muscle in my body screamed in agony, every piece of sanity torn and shredded and shredded again for good measure. The only two emotions pervading my brain? The intense desire for a nice, week-long nap and a burning _hatred_ for dear Mother Nature.

"Is everyone… still… alive?" a totally spent Luffy gasped, his empty lungs heaving for air.

Sanji, equally exhausted, lay on the wood next to me. "Somehow…" he groaned.

Zoro chose that moment to wake up from his nap and come, yawning, down the steps to the deck. He paused and took a moment to raise his eyebrow at our near-corpses. "What are you guys doin' lying around?" he grunted, snorting. "I know the poop rain was disgusting, but it wasn't _that_ bad."

...And promptly swallowed his words as two raging demonesses who _slooooowly_ rose to their feet glared at him, hotter than the Sun.

"WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU, YOU LAZY BASTARD!" roared Nami and Nojiko in tandem, both of whom drove their righteous fists into his skull with enough unholy vengeance to lay him flat out.

Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday came out of their room and stood looking down on us haughtily from the railing. "So, you pirates managed to make it through the worst weather that the Grand Line has to offer?"

I managed to find enough energy to lift my tumultuous hand into the air weakly. "Yeah, but… Damn if it wasn't really _shitty_ weather."

Nami fixated me with a dangerous glare, which I returned with a very weak, but very proud, grin.

"Tell me about it," signed a twitching King Kong, who had propped himself up against the mast, somehow managing to be even paler than his white fur usually made him. "I mean, screw it, I'm never even _entertaining_ the thought of Dung Fu again. Being on the giving end is hilarious, but the receiving end of an entire hailstorm of it? Cold turkey, man _cold turkey_."

Sanji rose shakily to his feet, looking very much like he wanted to pass out. "You guys wait here. I'll go make us all some energizing food to get us back on our feet…" Here he glared in _rage_ at the K.O.'d Zoro. "...For everyone except _this bastard_ , that is, who will be eating the spiciest thing I can come up with. You two," he added, pointing to our freeloaders, "will come and help me."

"I will gladly help with that spiciness," growled a now-awake Usopp darkly, and the sniper managed to crawl across the floor after Sanji. The Baroque Works agents sweatdropped and followed suit. Once all of them had disappeared into the kitchen, I maneuvered myself into a cross-legged sitting position and cracked my very sore back.

"Alright, then, Nojiko and King, come over here, won't you?" I said, clapping my hands with what little energy I had. "We need to plan out our visit to Whiskey Peak. If we do things right, we can avoid a _lot_ of hassle and madness that will be coming up on our sorry asses fairly soon, and since you two are the only ones who I can talk to about things, I'd like to put as much constructive criticism into my plan as possible. The rest of you, could you all go somewhere you won't here us?"

"Roger," agreed Nami, taking a glance at her Log Pose. "We seem to be on the right course for now, so Luffy, you and I will go into the map room _right now_ , so I can keep a good eye of you and make sure you don't mess anything up."

The two retreated, the latter of whom grumbled under his breath as he left. Nami also chose to drag the still-comatose swordsman with them in case he woke up. Meanwhile, my two fellow plotters gathered around me, looking slightly eager to find out about our upcoming future.

"Alright, here's the lay-down!" I said, cracking my knuckles. "This first island, Whiskey Peak, served as the starting point for a massive section of the original story that covered much of the early half of the Grand Line. It's supposedly a pirate's paradise, a place for swashbuckling seamen to go and be treated like heroes by all of the islanders."

"I'm sensing a 'but' here," said Nojiko dryly, King nodding his agreement.

"Yep, and that's a pretty major 'but' at that. In reality, it serves as just one of many secret bases of a shadowy organization known as Baroque Works. Baroque Works is feared for its highly skilled agents and very large sphere of influence on the first half of the Grand Line, and indeed, much of the rest of the Blue Seas. In the original story, the bounty hunters who make up Whiskey Peak's population tried to trick us into eating and drinking sedated food and booze, so that they could hand us into the World Government and collect on Luffy's bounty. Instead, Zoro caught wind of their real motive and basically slaughtered the lot of them in all but actually killing them…" And I proceeded to give them a detailed layout of everything I could remember about the Alabasta Saga. Nojiko sat listening to my explanation, a thoughtful expression on her face, while King's countenance continued to grow more and more enraged as I fleshed out the Alabastan Revolution. When I had at last concluded the account, Nojiko was humming, her eyes closed and her finger tapping against her chin, while King Kong growled in pure loathing of Croco-boy.

"So, there you have it," I finished, shrugging. "That's what we're facing for the foreseeable future."

King's eyes flashed dangerously. "You know," he signed, his tail swishing in ire, "I _may_ go back on my promise to tone down the Dung Fu, if I can find a few seconds alone with that pathetic excuse for a second-hand alligator."

I grinned darkly. "Oh, I would _love_ to see Croco-boy's reaction to _that_. Sadly, he'd probably dust you before you could let one rip."

"Boys, boys!" coughed Nojiko pointedly, her fist raising menacingly in the air. We promptly froze, grins etched thinly on our faces. "Good. So, anyway, it appears to me that the two major issues with this 'arc,' as you put it, are Luffy's inability to realize that the islanders are actually bounty hunters working under Baroque Works, and the Unluckies overhearing our discovery of Mr. 0's real name?"

I nodded. "That's correct. If we clue Luffy in to their true nature without flat-out telling him - - which would fall under spoiler category - - he doesn't fight Zoro, meaning that when Vivi tells us about Crocodile…"

Understanding dawned in King's eyes. "The time would've been pushed up enough for the Unluckies to not arrive in time to overhear Vivi!" he signed, with me translating for Nojiko's sake.

Nojiko's eyes widened. "Brilliant!" she breathed. "And that means that we won't have to face so many enemies on Little Garden, and enter Alabasta virtually undetected. We can sneak into Crocodile's lair without his awareness of our existence!"

"What I need help with," I continued, "is devising a method for Luffy to find out who the bounty hunters really are without us actually telling him. As I mentioned before, he'd consider that spoilers, which are off-limits by his orders."

King blinked in realization. "Hold on, one more thing! We've got to make sure that Nico Robin doesn't discover who we are on Whiskey Peak, either. If that happens, she'll still be our enemy at that point, so she'll definitely sell us out to Crocodile."

Under a questioning look from Nami's beautiful sister, I translated.

"Ah, I didn't think about that," she muttered, tilting her head. "Nice job, King."

He preened proudly. "Heh, don't mention it!" he signed.

A grin started to spread up our strategist's lips, and I swear to this day I could literally hear gears in her head turning. "Alright, I think I've got a plan," she said with a feral grin that both delighted me and sent shivers down my spine. "Tell me, Evan, how good are you at acting?"

"Uh… I've been in my school's musicals every year of high school and despite never having gotten a lead, I've always been told I do a really great job. Why?"

"Because what I'm thinking," declared Nojiko, rubbing her hands together in an all-too-eager manner, "is that we trick the tricksters."

King and I blinked.

Then a grin to match Nojiko's overtook my face. "Go on…" I drawled, chuckling madly.

Nojiko carefully laid out her plan for King and I, and the more I heard, the more eager I became for our little visit to Whiskey Peak.

Oh, this was going to be _fun!_


	14. Gift Horses Are Entirely Overrated

**A/N:** Hey, ya'll! It's yo boy Evan back at it with another chapter of the hit SI! Before we begin, I'd like to take a moment to once again thank EXNativo for his work on discussing plot points with me and helping edit this fan fiction; without him, this story wouldn't be anywhere near as good as it is. Once you're done with this chapter, please go ahead and check out his own SI, _Will-Powered_ , if you want a hilarious read that's well-worth your time. I'd also like to real quickly shout out The Patient One, whom you no doubt know from his work on _This Bites!_ , for his own suggestions and input into the makings of this chapter. Several things were caught that would've been very confusing otherwise due to his help, and I am very thankful for that.

Don't forget to help the cause and check out my Patre0n if you want to help raise money for some official commissioned artwork! You can find the link on the story's TV Tropes page.

Disney may own many things, including ERB, but one thing they do _not_ own is the scene with a song and dance in it. And one thing _I_ do not own is the rights to _One Piece_. Sadly. *sighs whistfully* In a parallel universe...

* * *

Chapter 13: Gift Horses Are Entirely Overrated

In hindsight, I really should've known from reading a certain fan fiction about a blond kid and his talking snail that a Straw Hat plan is destined to never work. But I had high hopes for this one; like, Mount Everest-level high. Sadly, the One Piece universe _really_ loves Murphy's Law far too much than what must be healthy.

It all started smoothly enough. The first stage of the plan was put into motion directly after Sanji served us our lunch. Usopp was more than happy to put his art skills to use, although we had to promise to fully reimburse him for any debt he might accumulate from Nami for two months in order to stop him from asking why we wanted him to make a believable, fake bounty poster within two days. That accomplished, Nojiko dragged me back to the deck by the ear, duly ignoring my protesting that I had two perfectly good feet to walk with, and at last released me in the center.

I rubbed my ear tenderly, despite the fact that it didn't actually hurt very much. "I could've walked here by myself perfectly fine, you know," I mumbled, tossing her a hurt look.

She raised her eyebrow, as unimpressed as Chuck Norris watching _One Punch Man_. "Which is why you've been actively avoiding training lessons with me, despite the fact that training with me would mean you don't have to have Zoro breathing down your back?"

"...Point taken," I conceded with a weary sigh.

King Kong snickered on the railing, and I sent him a withering glare.

"That aside," I growled, "why isn't the _banana drainer_ training alongside me?"

"Because the 'banana drainer' doesn't need the proper techniques of fighting constantly drilled into his head in order to grant him even the slightest of possibilities of survival in a mass brawl, due to Devil Fruit bullshit," supplied Nojiko, cracking her knuckles while King grinned cheekily, "unlike a certain Barnacle Head I know. Now pull out your nunchucks and stop wasting time."

" _Yeeees_ , mother," I groaned sardonically, relenting under her beatific gaze and reaching down to my belt. My pitch-black Drowned Iron nunchakus still hung on it by their chains. I closed my fingers around the dense weapons and slipped them out of my belt, holding them out in front of me and slipping into the horse stance I'd learned from the years of karate I'd taken a decade ago. It was the proper starting point for a nunchakus-user.

"Now, should all go well," said Nojiko with an approving nod, "you won't have to do any close-range fighting until at least Alabasta. But just in case things go south, you're going to need to know how to turn those farming tools you bought in Loguetown into actual weapons. So, first of all, let's start with your defensive maneuvers…"

We spent the next few hours running ceaselessly through katas and movements, Nojiko correcting every little mistake I made like Picasso teaching a kindergartener how to paint. It was exasperating, it was infuriating, but most of all, it was _informative_. I may have been half-assing it during my fights with Fullbody, but by the end of my physically exhausting training session, I felt like I could actually hold my own in a fight… or at least _three-fourths_ -ass it. Nojiko wasn't correcting my stance or arm positions quite as often, at any rate.

When Nojiko decided I was panting hard enough and was far too sweaty to remain around any longer, she at last called it a day. I collapsed to the deck, wheezing and thoroughly exhausted. King had retreated to the guys' cabin sometime ago. To do what, I had no idea. Luffy had returned to his spot on the goat figurehead, staring in silence out at the sea, while Nami had managed to rope Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday into completing all of our chores. Sanji had taken over control of the helm. Meanwhile, Usopp was hard on work at his commission for Nojiko, King Kong, and I. Zoro was up in the crow's nest keeping lookout, and Nami was standing on the boat's front, keeping an eye on her Log Pose to make sure we didn't stray off course. Finally, Nojiko slipped back up to the tangerine orchard to water her precious fruits.

As energy slowly returned to my muscles, I sat up and cracked my back, groaning in relief. I rubbed my head, wondering what to do with the rest of my evening. Without books, video games, or an Internet connection, I was lost on how to spend free time. Restless, jaded, I at last rolled over and picked myself up off the deck with a sigh. Now would make as good a time as any to do a little physics breaking, i.e., training my Devil Fruit powers so that when we would make land at Whiskey Peak, I wouldn't be completely useless.

I stretched as I contemplated my Avatar-esque powers. What could I do to absolutely screw up physics in the most bullshit way possible, while staying within the limitations of my Fruit that I already knew? I stared out to sea as though it could reveal the answers to me through my eyes, and I swore I saw it throw me the middle finger. Of course, with the absolute shattering of sense we'd just sailed through, this was hardly the strangest thing I'd seen the ocean do lately.

I chose to ignore the sassy ocean and instead focused on coming up with new ways to improve my application of bullshit. My mind strayed back to my fight with Fonti, where I'd stood myself up and forced my worn-out limbs to move through controlling the water in my body. While I was fairly certain I could pull off the same thing on someone else, something about taking away a person's freedom to move as they please and basically making them a robot just didn't appeal to me. It felt far too "Evil Dictator" for my tastes. Maybe I could use it as an absolute last resort to stop a friend from getting seriously hurt, if I _had_ to, but that still made my stomach feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, though, if I could somehow do much the same thing with _inanimate_ objects… Now _that_ I would be perfectly fine with doing.

An idea formed in my head; an idea that, once it was born, had me giggling like a girl in a clothes store.

I rushed up the steps and into _Merry's_ bowels, headed for Usopp's Workshop. "Oi, Usopp!" I said, peeking in the door and grinning widely at the sniper carefully stenciling in letters on a sheet of aged parchment. The bandanna-wearing young man blinked and looked up. "I've got another request for you, and it's one I can actually help with this time. How many cannonballs do you think we could spare and still have enough to use in a battle without worrying too much? Also, do we have something that could drill through iron?"

"Ummm…" Usopp spared a moment to consider the questions. "About… three or four. And I think so. Why do you want to know?"

My grin widened, making me look so evil that Usopp scooted back several feet away from me. "Because I just thought of something to completely confound and terrify our enemies."

Oh, yes, what I'd said before was truer than true: Whiskey Peak was going to be _fun_.

* * *

Our first sight of land came at around three o'clock that evening. Upon Zoro's bored shout that the next leg of our adventure was in sight, we gathered around the bow of the ship. Luffy still sat giggling like a madman on the figurehead, Nami grinned proudly at having navigated us safely to our (officially) first island, Sanji lit a cigarette and smoked it with a serene expression, Usopp trembled like a flag in a twister, and Nojiko, King Kong and I stood together, frowning at the island as we prepared ourselves for the night to come.

As for Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday?

They dashed to the railing and decided to straight up _book it_.

"We thank you for your kind services, helping us back to our island!" said Mr. 9 amiably, his falsetto voice grating on my ears.

Miss Wednesday half-curtsied, half-bowed, and then straightened up so that her sky blue hair bounced on her back. The action was quite the feat, enough to make my eyebrow rise a little. "But now we must be off, for duties await!" the fake bounty hunter chirped in, her faux smile as easy to read as a lying Luffy.

"Farewell!" they chorused in sync, and just like that, they performed a perfect four backflips off of the railing, stretched their arms together in perfectly streamline upside-down v's, and broke through the water's surface without so much as a splash.

I blinked and my mouth hung open. I'd been on the swim team of a town near my own for over ten years, and I'd never completed so much as a single front flip without belly-smacking fiercely into the water. Jealousy coursed through my being. They might be lying butt-faces (for the moment, at least, in Vivi's case), but goddammit if that hadn't been utterly fabulous. Had I had a permanent marker and a square of poster board, I might have held up a sign with a perfect "10" inked on it.

"Uhhh…" said Usopp, blinking rapidly, "why exactly did they just dive off the ship?"

I shrugged. "Because YOLO," I proposed with a poker face.

"YOLO?" Nami repeated, staring flatly at me like she was doubting my sanity, while at the same time hating the fact that she didn't know what I was talking about.

"It's a… 'popular' saying from my world," I said, my poker face stretching on. "It means _you only live once_ , and serves as perfectly reasonable justification for doing stupid shit that normally has no justification."

Luffy turned his head at me, eyes shining with interest. "Hmm? Really?"

Aaaaand it suddenly felt like I had just signed my own death warrant. I _really_ needed to choose my memes more carefully around these special people. "Uh… heh heh… welllll…"

Usopp was still staring at the island as though it might turn into a dragon and eat him. "Ah… Evan, can that YOLO thing be used as justification to _not_ do crazy things as well? Because I, for one, am very concerned that there might be insane monsters on that island."

I stared at him, genuinely taken aback as the voices of Akiva and Jorma whispered in my brain. Unless it was my imagination, synthetic music drifted through the air without any source. "Well," I said slowly, "you only live once, that's the motto. So take a chill pill, ease off the throttle. Never go to loud clubs, 'cuz they're bad for your ears. Your friends will all be sorry when they can't hear!"

"Are you singing or talking really fast?" asked Nojiko, frowning and tilting her head.

"Some vile form of both, I think," King Kong signed, scooting away from me.

"Forget monsters at the island," moaned Usopp, while tears streamed endlessly from his eyes and a cloud of depression hung over him. "We have the most traumatizing one right here on the _Merry_."

Our bickering continued as the ship drew steadily closer to Whiskey Peak, its landscape quickly coming into full view. As our figurehead began to push into some fog, I couldn't help but stare at the green bulbs that jutted out into the sky. It really did look exactly like a cactus some Minecrafter had decided to build as a pastime, and then taken Up to Eleven. It was kind of nuts to think about how each of those hundreds upon hundreds of spikes represented a single pirate's death upon the island. It was enough to make my skin crawl, even though at least half of those lives probably more than deserved to be ended. After all, piracy couldn't have gained its infamy for murder and pillaging through word of mouth and fake news alone.

My confidence gained from training with Nojiko, as well as having created several new weapons/techniques for myself to use dropped like a sack of potatoes. These were professional bounty hunters we'd be dealing with tonight. Me, on the other hand? I was just _playing_ at piracy. Not even a month ago, I hadn't even punched a kid outside of karate practice and tournaments. Hell, the most I'd ever stolen in my whole eighteen years was a single Tootsie roll from Giant Eagle at age seven, and my mom had caught me before we'd even left the store.

I might have just barely survived against Fonti, and I might have completely wiped the floor with Fullbody, but against a solid one hundred, fully trained Baroque Works agents? I was _completely_ out of my league.

 _No_ , I told myself. I swallowed down the tight ball of fear that formed in my neck and gazed sternly at the island. _You won't be in the center of the battle. If all goes according to plan, the most you might have to deal with would be the Unluckies, and assuming we take them all out quickly and quietly enough, we shouldn't even have to deal with_ them.

"I don't care about monsters," grunted Sanji, and a smile spread across his lips. "All I'm wondering is if they have beautiful ladies at this island!"

"Of course you are." Zoro snorted and folded his arms, clearly unimpressed. "Damn Love-Cook."

"What was that, Moss-Head?" snarled the blond. His head swiveled an impressive distance to glare at the offending swordsman, eyes narrowed and cheeks hornet-sting red.

"Girls, girls, you're both pretty," said Nojiko dryly. "Now shut the hell up." and although the wandering punching bag of the two glared savagely at her, Sanji swooned and collapsed to his knees.

"Anything for you, my love!" he cooed, hands clasped together.

"Shishishi! Sanji's hilarious!" Luffy chortled, kicking his legs out into the air as he clutched his stomach with laughter.

I rolled my eyes and rubbed my forehead. That cook was _whipped_. Then again, I could kind of see where he was coming from. Nojiko _was_ quite beautiful, and smart as Velma Dinkley to boot. I'd always had a thing for smart and cute women. I'd tried to ask out my class's valedictorian at my school's Spring Fling dance when I was in my freshman year. Sadly, that day I was a much less cute and much more male Rem in episode 18 of Re:Zero. In other words, utterly shot down.

"Hey, uh, guys?" Usopp spoke up, voice quivering. "I think I've come down with a rare case of _I-can't-go-to-the-island_ -itis. We should just skip this one."

"We can't," Nami snorted. "We have to wait for the Log Pose to reset, but Lord knows how long _that_ could take. Could be days, could be months."

"We might even have to wait a year!" I piped in.

"Huh-wha!? So wait, if we see an island filled with terrifying beasts and monsters, we still have to land on it until the Log resets!?"

"Yep!" Nojiko said, popping the 'p.'

The poor sniper wilted, crumbling to the floor with tears streaming from his eyes. "Guys, this disease is really chronic… I think I might die…"

A faint sound like a hundred happy voices caught my attention. "Hey, does anyone else hear something like… cheering?" I queried, tilting my head and squinting through the heavy fog.

"I hear cheering all the time," grunted Usopp sagely, looking up from _Merry's_ deck to nod his head, "for I am the great - -!" I rolled my eyes and sent my thoughts to the ocean, sneakily splashing him in the face with water. "SHIT!"

The crew snickered at the new nickname he'd just unintentionally coined for himself, but our laughter died down and turned into stupefied disbelief upon the fog's clearing. As if someone had lifted a blindfold and taken us someplace unknown, we quite suddenly found ourselves in the middle of a massive river between two portions of the island. On one riverbank sat a long dock system; floating boards, nailed together and outlined with sturdy posts, pointed out over the water like fingers. Behind it was a sprawling town, most of which rose up out of the flatter stretches of land, although some buildings swooped up part of the hills that formed the island's significant cactus bulbs in the distance. And on a massive cobblestone pad between the town and the docks, it seemed as though the entire population of the island stood cheering us on, waving and shouting and exploding those weird party streamers that everybody always seems to have except me. Ribbons and glitter floated from the sky.

"Uhhh…. Haaaaah?" I said intelligently, despite the fact that I _knew_ this was coming. All the party and good feelings after the dense silence of the fog was really overwhelming for my poor, cold soul.

Sanji's cigarette dropped from his mouth. "Okay, did _not_ see that coming," he gasped.

Zoro's eye twitched. "They _do_ realize the Jolly Roger on our flag means that we're pirates, right? So _why the hell is there so much cheering_!?"

"Hey, wait, this means that pirates are heroes on the Grand Line after all!" concluded Usopp, grinning widely, his eyes shining. Okay, how the _hell_ was that genetically possible? I could put up with insanity like that from Luffy, because he's Luffy, and with Sanji's eyes turning into hearts every time he saw Nami and Nojiko, because he's Sanji, but _what the hell, science_!? Do you even exist in this world, or did you come with a self-destruct button that someone had pressed by accident? Actually, that was a hell of a lot more likely than I'd meant it to be. If that _was_ what had happened, it was probably a Monkey D. who'd done the pressing.

"WELCOME, PIRATES!" chanted the cheering townsfolk. "WE LOVE YOU!"

"Shishishi!" giggled Luffy, grinning wider than what was possible for literally anyone else. Except maybe Nami when she came across loads of treasure. "I like this town!"

"Of course you do," moaned Nojiko and I. King Kong bayed mournfully in concurrence since he didn't have the proper vocal chords to make coherent human speech.

Great. Well, this just got a whole lot harder. It wasn't like we weren't expecting this, though, so it was fine… operatively speaking.

The resident pervert chef made a weird strangling choke. "Look!" he cried, pointing out at the crowd, his eyes switching to pink hearts. "There are tons of amazingly cute girls!"

"Well, we have to dock anyway," groaned a slumping Nami. "We might as well let the love chef go out and flirt…"

We docked at one of the empty portions of the port and dropped anchor, hoisting our sails and generally ensuring that the _Going Merry_ wouldn't get caught in a current and drift away. Then we lowered our gangplank and all of us save for King disembarked. Curiosity filled the gazes of those of us who weren't aware of the circumstances, as we were ushered forward into the crowd of grinning, exuberant people. Sanji, however, skived on the curiosity in favor of gazing amorously at the surprising number of females mixed in with the males. Actually, the population of the island in general was quite shocking; I'd thought there were only a hundred people there, but there seemed to be quite a bit more than that. Maybe it was just me being bad at judging, though.

" _Ahem_!" said a voice that was a mysterious mixture of high and low pitches. "Ma-ma-maaaa!" Its owner entered our view as he stepped out from the crowd we were walking into. It was, of course, Igaram in his 'disguise.' I hadn't quite expected him to look like someone straight from the Capitol in _The Hunger Games_ , but that was exactly what my mind linked him to. He had an outrageously long head, and huge, flowing gold hair pulled up in six big curls that really were not fashionable in the least. And this was coming from a warm-blooded Ohioan male.

"Who're you, old man?" Luffy asked bluntly. He tilted his head, smile not fading.

"My name is Igarappoi," lied Igaram, and in the back of my mind, I heard Donald Trump saying _fake news_. "Welcome, brave heroes of the seas, to the beautiful town of liquor and music - - Whiskey Peak! I am sure you all must be quite stunned by this strange hospitality, but here, we believe all pirates to be legendary warriors greater than anything the Marines could put out! You all must be quite hungry and thirsty from your fight through the first storms of the Grand Line. Please, feel free to wine and dine with us at our banquet! Alcohol flows in these streets like rivers."

"Alcohol?" Zoro repeated, interest piqued.

"Food?" moaned Luffy hungrily, saliva dripping from his mouth.

"Nonsense," Nojiko said amiably. "We wouldn't want to use your hospitality for our own gain when we have plenty of food and drink aboard the _Merry_. We'll just be going - -"

"WHAT!?" cried our captain like she had just said she was canceling Christmas. He turned to her with wide, hurt eyes. "How could you say such a thing, Nojiko!? Where's your sense of respect!? Of course we're gonna eat all of his food!"

"But - - Luffy - -" she hissed low enough that Igaram couldn't hear, searching desperately for a proper excuse, "don't you remember Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday said they were hunting Laboon because their town was running out of food!? Isn't the fact that these guys would be throwing us a banquet when they're already low on food a little suspicious to you!?"

He paused, blinked, and then said, "Suspicious? Is that meat? Can I eat it?"

...Cue two massive sweatdrops on the back of Nojiko's head. "It was worth a shot," she groaned to me, while I simply facepalmed at my captain's simpleness.

"I think I'm more shocked at myself that I couldn't have foretold Luffy doesn't know the meaning of suspicious," I told Nojiko just as dryly.

"Hey, by the way," Nami said to Igaram, "how long will it take our Log to reset?"

The blond man stared at her like she was spouting nonsense. Then he reared back and guffawed. "Oh! Ma-ma-maaa! You're making a joke!" He wrapped an arm around a mystified Nami and pulled her into a tight one-armed hug, lifting his arm up cheerfully into the air. "Come, don't worry about privy details like that; let's party!"

"YEAH!" roared the island, and any Straw Hats not named Luffy, Sanji, Usopp, or Zoro sighed wearily and resigned ourselves to following through with the oncoming evening.

* * *

Alright, I have to give it to them: even as the backstabbing Baroque Works Agents they might have been, the Whiskey Peakers sure knew how to throw a damn good party.

It lasted a good four to five hours, and showed no signs of stopping for as long as it went. It took place in a large town mess hall of sorts. I wasn't really one for alcohol, but Igaram was right; despite the food shortages, they had seemingly endless supplies of sake, vodka, beer, and so many other liquors I would never be able to even hope to name them all. Zoro was in his own little heaven, sucking down wooden mug upon wooden mug of anything within his arm's reach like the world would run dry tomorrow.

Endless mountains of food were piled on a vast array of dishes, everything from chunks of cooked meat still on the bone, to succulent pasta that would make the proudest Italian's mouth water, to lush hills of salad, and even to some strange dish whose name I had absolutely no idea of but which looked distinctly Australian. Music drifted gaily through the air - - now _that_ was something I could get behind. My body moved to the beat without me realizing it, my foot tapping in time with the perfect percussion.

King Kong snuck through the mess hall doors near the beginning of the party, the agents unaware of his presence due to attempting to distract the rest of us with festivities. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he slipped over to the long tables upon which sat the mountains of food prepared for us. He leaned up to each meal, sniffing and breathing in the scent, and occasionally flashing a thumbs-down. This was a signal for spiked food we'd decided upon after I'd confirmed that King knew the smells of sleeping drugs (he'd been in the piracy business previously, of course, so he'd encountered the sort many times before).

Occasionally, a stray agent decided he or she was hungry, and went over to the table; whenever this happened, my partner would hastily duck behind a crate or barrel nearby, or anything that could hide him properly.

I made careful notes of every bad meal. When the vervet monkey had finished his deed at last and had scampered undetected out of the mess hall, I got to my feet, stretched, and groaned loudly.

"Mm, I'm starving!" I declared. I raised my voice loud enough for most of the mess hall to hear, which was less hard than you might think; I tended to be quite loud regardless, without even knowing it. "All of that food looks delicious. I might just have some of everything!"

Truthfully, I _was_ quite hungry. Ever since the Conomi Islands, actually, my appetite seemed to have increased dramatically, and yet despite this, I hadn't gained a single pound - - that I could tell, anyway. I wondered if it was due to having eaten a Devil Fruit. Did all Devil Fruits turn their consumers into Big Eaters, whether they were that way before or not? It was something I would have to have Chopper research into whenever we met up with him.

Bah! There I go rambling off again. Stupid ADD.

Anyway, quite conscious of the Baroque Works agents' eyes on my back, I maneuvered through the party guests to the food table. I exaggeratedly examined the vast array of dishes, sweeping around the table and making large gestures with my hands as I pretended to be having a hard time picking. That wasn't very hard, either. I really _was_ having a hard time picking; while none of the meals presented were quite as scrumptious-smelling as Sanji's, it was enough to make my stomach want to dive straight into the piles. I purposefully ignored it, instead taking a large scooper from one of the spiked dishes, and stuck it into a plate piled with more strands of spaghetti than Paulie had ropes. I then swept my arm so quickly over to my food that the boulder of spaghetti dislodged from the pile was flung clear across the table, tons of little strands falling into many of the other buffet items.

"Oops!" I said to the agents who were staring at me with wide eyes and slackened jaws. I dropped the scooper back into the spaghetti and rubbing my head in a falsely apologetic manner. "Please excuse my klutziness! It's a really bad habit!"

I could _feel_ the hatred wafting from the fake pirate lovers. And it only made me grin widely.

Sanji blinked. "What the hell, Evan!? You're never klutzy like this. Why'd you waste perfectly good food?"

"And we don't have any more to replace that once that's gone…" I heard someone mutter dejectedly, just inside of earshot. My grin widened.

"I know, Sanji, I feel really bad," I said, really laying on my apology. I dug into my pocket, and withdrew from it the poster I'd had Usopp draw earlier. It was a _Wanted Dead or Alive_ poster, complete with the image of me rushing at the viewer, a wall of water behind me. I must say, it looked pretty damn badass. It claimed that I'd earned a bounty of 20,000,000 belli. "How could the 20,000,000 belli man let something like this happen to adoring fans…?"

Silence fell around much of the party, except for the corner where, luckily for me, Usopp remained loudly telling a group of guys and girls alike mangled versions of our adventures.

"20,000,000 belli…?" Nami said, tilting her head in confusion. "Wait, what? Since when did you have a bounty poster, anyway? And… why is your epithet _The Rock_?"

"Nami, Nami, you sweet summer child," I sighed, shaking my head, "you forgot to get the mail this morning. Well, luckily, I did, and this baby was included it!" I waved the sheet of paper around for good measure. " _Wanted for beating up two marine captains, saving Straw Hat Luffy from capture at Loguetown by the hands of Smoker, and obnoxious singing_ ," I recited, reading from the margins at the bottom of the faux poster. I'd have to thank Usopp later; this thing looked damn near legit. From a distance, no one would be able to tell it was counterfeit.

I saw the bounty hunters exchange glances, and Igaram's countenance switch to confusion. According to canon, he'd done background checks on our crew when we'd arrived, so he probably knew that I was talking out of my ass. Before he could call shenanigans, however, Luffy piped up, grinning widely.

"Evan! Sing us something!" he shouted, grinning widely.

I paused. Well, it _would_ be the perfect distraction to delay Igaram's reaction, and maybe make him forget about it altogether. Grinning as some cheerful tunes played in the back of my head, I nodded. "Hmm… alright, captain, I'll take that as an order. _A little help, Author?_ " I added under my breath.

My Nokia buzzed, and I pulled it out behind the food so none of the bounty hunters would see.

 _Already gotcha covered, man,_ the email read. _Say, can your friends do… this_?

Cheerful Disney music played out into the crowd, and many people glanced at each other in confusion, wondering where the hell it was coming from. I grinned widely, stuck my phone back in my pocket, and leaped over the table, carefully avoiding touching the food so that my leather jacket wouldn't get gunky. As my cue quickly came, I took a deep breath, and made my voice low and loud at the same time.

 _Well, Ali Baba had them forty thieves,  
_ _Scheherazade had a thousand tales.  
_ _But master, you're in luck, 'cause up your sleeves,  
_ _You've got a brand of magic never fails_

As my voice rose and fell, I ran through the crowd, pointing at Luffy on 'master' and rolling up my sleeves. A grin spread across his face, and he giggled excitedly.

 _You've got some power in your corner now!  
_ _Some heavy ammunition in your camp!  
_ _You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how!  
_ _See, all you gotta do is rub that lamp, and I'll say:  
_ _"Mr. Aladdin, sir, what will your pleasure be?  
_ _Let me take your order, jot it down?"  
_ _You ain't never had a friend like me! No, no!_

Water coiled up behind me as I sang, lifting from people's glasses and startling a few of the victims into dropping their cups. It formed into guns, firing into the ceiling, before quickly morphing into a lamp that hovered to my land. I rubbed it twice in two exaggerated motions, grinning widely and imitating a French accent. Nestled between the twenty women he was flirting with, Sanji huffed a little at that, but didn't say anything. Inwardly smirking, I dashed back over to the buffet table and grabbed a random plate off of it. It just so happened to be piled with a certain Balkan pastry.

 _Life is your restaurant, and I'm your maître d'!  
_ _Come on, whisper what it is you want;  
_ _You ain't never had a friend like me!  
_ _"Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service."  
_ _You're the boss, the king, the shah!  
_ _Say what you wish; it's yours, true dish.  
_ _How 'bout a little more baklava?  
_ _"_ _Have some of column A, try all of column B."  
_ _I'm in the mood to help you, dude.  
_ _You ain't never had a friend like me!_

At this, I swaggered over to Igaram, who was near the drinking contest between Zoro, Nami, and Sister, aka Miss Monday. Upon reaching him and ending the verse, I thrust the plate of tainted pastries to him, and he reluctantly accepted it. He eyed one rather hungrily, looked back at the buffet table, looked back at the now-spiked baklava, sighed, and popped it in his mouth. As the chorus started back up, I swooped back to the buffet table and returned the baklava to its rightful place, at the same time indicating one half of the table as _column A_ , then motioning to the other half for _column B_.

 _Oh, my! No, no! My, my, my.  
_ _Can your friends do this?_

The water following me coalesced into two clones of myself that linked arms with me and formed a kick line. I gave both of the clones top hats, which they tipped slightly off their head upon each kick.

 _Can your friends do that?_

Slowly making my way over to Luffy, I passed by Nami and Zoro. As I went, I grabbed the mug that Miss Monday was currently on out of her hands. She gave a squawk of indignation, jumping up and reaching for it, but before she could take it back, I tilted it upside down. The sake spilled out of the mug, and as it fell, I forcefully stopped it in midair, knowing that all liquids have water mixed in with them. I then closed my eyes and felt out the water particles. Upon finding them, I ripped them away from everything else in the sake, leaving a floating ball of water and solid particles of sake falling to the floor. I then scooped the water back into the mug and handed it back to a rightfully stunned Miss Monday, my grin unstoppable.

"Holy crap, that… he just turned sake into water…!" gasped Nami, eyes popping out of her skull.

Zoro shrugged indifferently, although his eyebrows had raised slightly. "Eh, he's still a shit-ass comedian."

My brain hurt like hell, and exhaustion stole over my limbs, but it was _definitely_ worth the unadulterated admiration on many of my captive audience members' faces.

 _Can your friends pull this  
Out their little haaaaaats?_

I finally arrived back by Luffy's side, reached up and snatched his hat off of him. He might have protested, but in between lines, I whispered in his ear, "I'm going to borrow this a sec, alright?" and he nodded his acceptance. I then flipped it over and sneakily forced streams of water into it, and with a magician's flourish, reached in and extracted the water in the form of a little bunny that hopped off and darted into the crowd. Laughter dotting the mess hall, I flipped Luffy's straw hat over and plopped it right back on his head in one smooth motion.

 _Can your friends go poof?_

The two water clones I'd made leaped up into the air. My concentration was _really_ straining right now, especially with the pure exhaustion from pulling my Jesus moment, but I forced them to explode and shower over the crowd. Many of the admiring looks quickly turned to disgruntled glares, but I flashed them a blindingly white smile and a peace sign. Ignoring my pounding head, I sang on, the exhilaration from pulling off my various tricks stronger than my tiredness.

 _Well, looky here!  
Can your friends go abracadabra, let her rip,  
And then make the sucker disappear?  
_ _So don't just sit there slack-jawed, buggy-eyed,  
_ _I'm here to answer all your mid-day prayers,  
_ _You've got me bona fide certified;  
_ _You've got a genie for your chargé d'affaires._

I flashed through the crowd, leaning in close to random people and patting them on the back, earning myself a few laughs. I then took charge of a random table centered between three perpendicular couches, leaping up on it so the whole crowd could see me. Thankfully, there were no cups or plates in my way, so I could jump up without worrying about knocking anything over.

 _I've got a powerful urge to help you out,  
_ _So what-cha wish? I really wanna know!  
_ _You've got a list that's three miles long, no doubt,  
_ _Well all you've gotta do is rub like so, and oh—_

Many of the people gathered in the mess hall were openly cheering and whooping now, feet tapping to the otherworldly (literally!) music. I was getting _really_ into it; the Genie had always been my favorite character in _Aladdin_ , and not just because Robin Williams voiced him.

 _Mr. Aladdin, sir, have a wish, or two, or three.  
_ _I'm on the job, you big nabob!  
_ _You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend,  
_ _You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend,  
_ _You ain't never! Had a! Frieeend liiiiike meeeeeee!  
_ _Never had a friend like me!_

My voice went so high I felt it waver threateningly, my vocal chords straining to just barely reach the note. I threw my arms out and my head back, droplets of water flying through the air around me before exploding like fireworks above my head. When I stopped holding the note and reached the final line, I let the water flow back to wherever I'd pulled it from, and sank into a low kneeling bow towards Nojiko. With the accompanying final beat of music, whistles and cheers rang out from the crowd.

Even as I panted for air, my exuberant smile could not be wiped off my face. I hadn't had that much fun since _The Music Man_ in my freshman year of high school. I would've been in my school's performance of _The King and I_ , as I participated in the school plays each year, but I hated the fact that the directors put down for the captain of the ship. I was _not_ going to put up for any role that I would barely get a full scene in for my senior year play, so I had just simply quit. I had missed the stage, had missed the thrill of performing for an audience; and good _Lord_ did having a Devil Fruit make said performance so much more fantastic!

Under intense clapping, I got to my feet and bowed to the audience several times. With bent knees, I hopped off of the table, and my feet produced a small thump upon striking the carpet. The bounty hunters' cheering gradually died as it became clear I wouldn't be performing an encore, and the previous party antics retook the guests. Luffy shot me a double thumbs-up and a classic rubber-person grin. My gaze shifted to Igaram, nervous whether he'd call shenanigans on my counterfeit bounty poster, but my fears were immediately quelled. I didn't know what the _hell_ was in the sleeping drugs they'd spiked our food with, but Igaram was already out cold, slumped over in a couch.

Huh. Well, that was one problem solved. For now, anyway.

As the party dragged on, the Baroque Works agents were forced to thin out their numbers by eating the now-completely tainted food in order to keep up appearances. Luckily, all of the other Straw Hats except Luffy were now full, and so didn't return to the buffet table. As for our captain himself, Luffy seemed to be just fine eating the spiked food. He didn't get any sort of drowsy and instead continued to inhale plates upon plates of grub, so much that the cooks collapsed just from the sight of it. By the third hour of the festivities, he was more bloated with various foods than a tick in a blood drive.

Finally, the Sun sank over the horizon, and worn out from all our partying, the other Straw Hats fell into happy slumbers.

"Hey, where's the closest restroom?" asked Nojiko to the nun agent, appropriately nicknamed "Sister."

The secretly violent nun pointed to the door. "Go out and head to the town library next door. We've been meaning to install one here, but this building's newer than the rest, and we haven't gotten a lot of merchants selling toilets brave enough to cross the Red Line just to sell their wares in forever."

"Thanks," said Nojiko, and she got up and headed out.

That was my cue. Yawning, I put a hand over my mouth and leaned back into the couch which I currently was resting upon. "Well," I groaned, my eyes fluttering shut, "I'm… feeling really…" I didn't even finish the sentence, and instead made the loudest, most realistic snores I could. My head lolled to the side and my breathing slowed, the almost-perfect picture of a sleeping man.

Thus reclining in the couch, I faked my slumber, my hand slipped into my pocket alongside my Nokia. Around twenty minutes passed before the last of us pirates were apparently judged to be fully sleeping, a point I was able to judge since the still-awake agents turned off the lights.

"These pirates are very dangerous," I heard Mr. 9 say, a deep, concerned growl in his throat. "They have two Devil Fruit eaters, both with extremely high bounties for having come from the East Blue. On top of that, that Nojiko has a bounty as well. We need to dig into the seastone cuffs and lock up the Hammers; if they wake up and cause trouble before the Unluckies arrive… 0 will have our necks for sure."

My eyes cracked open, and I examined the agents with their backs turned to me. Sister (Miss Monday), Vivi (Miss Wednesday), and Mr. 9. Igaram, who was Mr. 8, remained in peaceful slumber.

"Seconded," said the groggy voice of Miss Monday, who must have been starting to get sleepy with all the ale she'd inhaled as a result of challenging Nami and Zoro. I knew in canon she'd switched out her ale partway through for a similar-looking, non-alcoholic beverage, which was probably the only reason she remained on her feet as was. "The captain's eaten enough that Hypnos won't release him from his clutches for a good while yet. We'll start with Evan; he poses the most danger of waking. Since 8 is currently incapacitated, I'll be assuming responsibility until those drugs he consumed wear off, as is normal procedure."

I tried to not grin. So far, the plan was turning out extremely smoothly. Even Igaram was out of fighting condition, something we actually had not thought about ensuring. However, I had to act fast to put the next course of action into motion. In the very short time I had before they turned around and saw me, I slipped my Nokia smartphone out, turned it on, opened up and started the voice recorder, and then shut it off and slipped it back in my pocket.

"If we earn all this cash for Baroque Works," Vivi supposed hopefully, "the boss will be sure to forgive us for not completing our mission."

" _Your_ mission," corrected Miss Monday, casting the secret princess a pointed glare as they stepped towards me, unaware of my wakefulness. "Don't lump 8 and I in with your failures as a Baroque Works assassin."

"Their captain and this damn Water Boy took us by surprise!" snapped Mr. 9. They loomed over me, and the clinking of metal handcuffs rose to my ears as I felt his calloused hands grasp my wrists gently. "If it wasn't for their abilities, we could've taken them, no sweat."

"0 doesn't like excuses," Miss Monday pointed out. "You'll still be punished in some method or another."

"Yeah, but it won't be as badly as it might have been," argued Vivi.

The snapping of cuffs resounded into the air as I felt cold, hard metal chafe uncomfortably against my skin. An urge to flex my knuckles and wriggle my hands out of their restraints rose up, and I had to fight it hard. Even as I did so, I felt all of my energy drain away from me into the metal. Fucking plot points where stones and metals and shit are able to take away people's superpowers. That has to be like, the worst idea in the book. I'm Aquaman, I don't need fucking Kryptonite bullshit!

…Actually, Aquaman's really stupid. I don't think I want to be Aquaman anymore.

Being shackled in seastone handcuffs as a Devil Fruit eater was a strange experience, rather akin to drowning. It was hard to breathe, terror and panic seizing my heart, my lungs feeling as though they were filling with some non-existing liquid. At the same time, my senses dimmed and my thoughts, already prone to go off on a tangent, became about as wild and random as a fanfic author on crack. Or after an intense bout of insomnia; either or, really. Despite the three bounty hunters being close enough to pick me up and carry me to some unknown location, their conversation drifted at the very edge of my hearing, and I absolutely could not concentrate on it enough to make out anything important.

As I internally grumbled about that, a thought struck me across the head. Maybe _that_ was how seastone and the sea itself worked upon Devil Fruit eaters: it jumbles their perception and power of focus until they can't even lift a finger, let alone activate their ability. With my connection to the water, I might be able to trai… to…

I nearly cried out in frustration, locked away in my own scrambled mess of a mind. I'd just been on the verge of a possible HUGE epiphany, but the _damn seastone_! I understood Luffy's reaction to the door of Arlong Park, now; I just _really_ wanted to break something, dammit!

The Baroque Works agents' words fought into my brain in a warbled, alien language. I fought desperately against the seastone's restricting powers, Helen Keller trying to hear her first sound. The one thing that I was aware of was that they were still carrying me somewhere, and even that knowledge was rendered useless by the sudden encompassing, stiff chill of a cold stone floor. Great; they'd reached whatever location they'd been heading to. I prayed that Nojiko had evaded their sight and memory long enough to successfully trail them, alongside King Kong. Otherwise, shit had just escalated from a curbstomp to your average Dark Souls playthrough.

 _Try to take on an island of at least one hundred bounty hunters, they said!_ a very exasperated little voice whispered in the back of my mind. _It'll be fun, they said!_

After several irksome minutes of intense devotion to straining the hell out of my ears and waning concentration, I finally managed to pick up on enough of what the Baroque Works agents were saying to actually link some shit together. Excuse my French; I get feisty when I'm tired and stressed.

"-how do you - an ideal country - can't -ill a whale?" the voice of Miss Monday drawled out like a TV on extremely low signal.

Relief crashed over me like a wave, even through my ridiculously crazy mind. I filled in the blanks, guessing that the Amazonian woman had just spoiled the truth of her organization live on voice recorder. Not that she could have been aware I was recording their conversation,, of course. Our plan was almost close to completion. Now all I had to do was raise the alarm for Nojiko and King to come in and sa…

 _Shit!_ I was locked in seastone handcuffs! I couldn't flash the skull-and-crossbones of water that would signify when my friends should come in!

 _Ohshitohshitohshit what do I do!?_ My mind scrambled through plans and ideas. How could I bring in the backup without endangering myself? Within the space of several seconds, I settled on one choice. It would have to do.

Fighting with all my power against the energy-sapping metal linking my wrists together, I struggled to my feet, and my skin flamed with uncomfortable pain as the handcuffs scraped against it. I cracked my eyes open and tried to examine where I'd ended up through hazy vision. My abductees appeared to have taken me to a warehouse; the floor was made of stark grey stone, and barrels upon barrels of what I guessed to be beer and wine from the smell lay on the floor. Significantly un-warehouse-like, however, was a giant rectangular window inlaid within the wall directly to my left.

"A-Actually," I slurred, managing a vicious smirk despite my utter lack of energy, "it doesn't mah…" I stumbled and my words caught in my mouth. A grimace later, I continued, "It doesn't matter what you've fudged up and what you haven't. Because this isn't your tale."

Jumping with surprise at my first word, the three agents all whipped around, glaring nervously at me until they saw I was still handcuffed. They all visibly relaxed, although their hands still fell down to grasp at the various weapons hidden on their persons.

"And whose tale would this be, then?" queried Vivi with a semi-confident smirk.

I took a deep breath, as deep as I possibly could, and thought back to my years of choir. Channeling all of my vocal power down into my gut, I leaned forward and my grin turned crooked. "Well, you see," I said, allowing a second's pause before I threw my head back and belted out, "THIS IS THE TAAAAAAALE OF CAPTAIN JACK SPARROOOOOW! PIRATE SO BRAAAAVE ON THE SEVEN SEEEEEEEAAAAS!"

Silence.

"What?" said Miss Monday blankly at last, blinking in complete confusion as my voice resounded throughout the building, and I sang at a high enough volume that the dead could probably hear me.

"THIS IS THE QUEEEEST TO THE ISLE OF TORTUGAA - -!"

 _CRASH!_ _RATATATATATAT!_

"WHAT THE HELL!?" squawked a trio of voices.

All three of the high-ranking agents present on the island screamed in terror as the window to my left shattered without warning, and machine gun-fire ricocheted through the air. They scrambled for safety, and by some stroke of dumb luck, managed to avoid all of the oncoming bullets. Some pinged off the floor, while others lodged themselves into various barrels which spewed miniscule streams of various brands of alcohol. The angry baying of a monkey rose above the gunfire as my savage grin turned much more relieved and exhausted. I'd never been so happy to see a blue-haired crazy lady and a monkey in my entire life.

"Nojiko! King Kong!" I exclaimed, letting loose a tense breath I hadn't realized I'd contained.

"Where th - was y - ter?" grumbled Nojiko, wielding her miniature machine gun and cocking it as she landed lightly among diamonds of shattered glass. I had to fight to fill in the blanks. Next to her, King Kong's feet struck the ground, and he leaped forward onto a wine barrel. As he soared through the air, he performed a perfect six front flips, and upon landing, he dropped into a Jackie Chan-esque karate pose, right paw flung out forward and left paw raised behind him. Nojiko rolled her eyes at his antics before frowning at me. "An- what the heck - song?"

I turned awkwardly and shook my handcuffs at her, still struggling to stay afloat in the sea of exhaustion they flooded me with. "I couldn't do shit because of this seastone; it blocks Devil Fruit powers. That song was the most I could do like this."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatev - Water Boy." She hefted the heavy weapon atop her shoulder, frowning down the barrel under the dim light in the warehouse to the barrels which the Baroque Works agents had disappeared behind. "- you get the dirt - guys or no-?"

"I did," I huffed, slightly irked that she'd doubt me, "which I'd prove if you'd get on with it and get these cuffs off of me!"

"Well, it's not like we have the keys or anything," pointed out King Kong, momentarily breaking his pose to make the signs.

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, just finish them off…"

For a few tense moments, nothing happened. The agents peered out from behind their makeshift shields, and Nojiko and King Kong stood waiting patiently for them to make a move. Finally, Vivi apparently couldn't stand the tension anymore, for she growled in exasperation and stepped out from behind her barrel. She placed a hand on her hip like a teen taking a selfie, a cocky grin on her face. "Alright, I'll admit that surprised me a little," she said, "but a woman worth a mere ten million and a monkey aren't any match for me. Now just take a _quick look_ at my body… And a nice, quiet sleep..."

Both Nojiko and King Kong's noses wrinkled with their confusion. "Huh…?"

 _Wait, what's she -_ I began to think, frowning at her as she lifted her arms up and started a slow, sultry belly dance. Some weird, calm aroma filtered into the air, and my already bleak vision swam even more as the endless black-and-white helices on her shirt started to… spin…? _Oh, dammit, I forgot she'd used hypnotism!_ I cursed mentally to myself, even as I felt myself slump uselessly to the floor. The sweet smell filling in the air, like desert strawberries laced with warm spice and something my hazy mind had trouble naming, was overpowering.

"Urgh… my head… feels murky…" groaned Nojiko. Her miniature machine gun slumped out of her hands as she swayed on her feet, raising a hand to her head wearily. The bulky weapon struck the floor with a sickening _clank_.

"Not good…" I growled, even as I watched King Kong slump to one foot, his eyes fluttering. "It's… it's too much…"

My eyes went hazy, my vision blackened, and I felt myself slip away into the dark void of slumber.

Fucking Kryptonite metals, I grumbled blearily to myself. Fucking hypnotists.

The growl of a deep, battle-hungry voice made my head tilt slowly to the left. "Heh. Amateurs."

Slipping into a heavy slumber, the last thing I saw was Zoro stepping eagerly through the window, three swords out and held at the ready, eyes glinting like a demon. Even as I fell from wakefulness, I couldn't help but smirk to myself. These guys didn't know _what_ the hell they were getting themselves into!


	15. Omake: Divine Retribution

"Alright, I know it's April First, but did you really have to pull a prank?"

BZZT _._

 _I'm a Jerkass God, and a BROB at that. Did you really expect me to let this day go by without at least_ something _interesting happening?_

"Grkghg... okay, okay, withdrawn. But still... did you have to bend the _ENTIRE CREW'S GENDERS!?_ "

BZZT.

 _Nope! But I did anyway! Let's just call it... divine retribution? 8D  
_  
*facepalm* "I _knew_ I shouldn't have made all those Girl Cross omakes..."

I looked up at the rest of the crew with a very peeved off eye twitch. Their glares in my direction were made only more menacing by the fact that all but two of them were now girls, and _One Piece_ girls were infamous for being heavy hitters. I sighed and drooped, my heavy chest brushing against my shirt with the motion. "No dice," I growled, itching to throw my Nokia into a volcano and watch the motherfucker burn. "He's a jerkass through and through."

"I want you to know," said Nami, his entire _face_ twitching, "that there is no possible scenario in the entire universe where this is _not_ your fault."

"You don't even know how true that statement is..." I grumbled, sending a poisonous glare up to the sky.

You may have guessed it already, but the reason for the mutual exasperation of the Straw Hat Pirates is due largely to the fact that when we awoke on the morning of April 1st, we found ourselves stuck in our opposite genders. A crew meeting had promptly been called by Nami and we had gathered in the dining room to discuss causes and courses of action. Considering the fact that at this point, the only known person with the ability to swap chromosomes was running a sort of cult in Impel Down, I had correctly concluded that the confounding situation was a direct result of the All-Seeing Author. I had also concluded that someday, I _was_ going to find him, and I _was_ going to punch him in the goddamn face.

What was being a girl like for someone who had previously been male for all eighteen years of his life?

It was... unsettling. Not bad, per se, but unsettling.

First of all, while I had never had too manly of a face, my features had softened considerably. Whereas previously my eyes had been a darker brown, now they were a soft, pretty hazel. My complexion, surprisingly, was tanner than it had been. As a dude, I'd been one of the whitest guys I knew, _completely_ unable to catch any sort of suntan. Now, it seemed as though I'd been born with one. My hair had also grown out overnight, running down to the slope of my fairly larger backside, as was the common cliché. Then again, clichés were to be expected from the All-Seeing Author, I supposed. At least he hadn't given me big ol' breasts that would get in the way of everything; my chest was flatter than a Mary Sue's personality. To counterbalance the fact that _that_ cliché in particular wasn't in effect, I was now only 5'3" instead of 5'9".

Funny how just a few inches could make everything feel so... _tall_.

The canon crew members looked exactly like they did in that SBS Corner in which Oda had Rule 63'd them. There really wasn't much to say in that aspect, except that Luffy was strangely comfortable in her new body. Of the other crew members, the only ones who weren't the least bit concerned about their new genders consisted of Luffy, King Kong, and (no surprise here) Sanji. The latter looked like she was only barely holding herself back from public self-groping.

Oh, and as for King Kong? See, not only did the All-Seeing Author see fit to change _her_ too, the damn thing also thought it would be funny to make her a _monkeygirl_.

"Being human is weird..." King Kong said, tilting her head, her snow white tail flicking out through the brown clothes that the Jerkass God had thankfully granted her. "I like being able to talk now, but still, it's weird."

And yes, I was switching the pronouns. It was simply weird to look at a girl's body and think of her as a _he_ , even if that was the case.

"So, what do have to do to get back into our real bodies?" asked Zoro. Her hand gripped the handle of Wado Ichimonji, which thankfully remained in its sheath, so tightly that her knuckles went white. She hadn't been quite so lucky in the chest department as I had, and looked _highly_ uncomfortable with having Oda Breasts™. I would say her face was surprisingly cute in her new body, but I _really_ didn't want to be questioning my sexual orientation.

"Yeah, please ask that Author thing so we can never do it ever!" pleaded Sanji, dropping down on her knees with her hands extended forward, like she was praying.

I sweatdropped. "Yeaaaah, _no,_ I am _not_ returning home as a girl. People would ask _waaaaay_ too many questions."

"Really?" Luffy frowned, her facial features the absolute cutest of them all, and _goddamn it ASA,_ I really don't need this in my life! "That's stupid. If it's you, it's you. Why should it bother them?"

"As simple as things are in your head, Luffy, other people tend to overthink things," deadpanned Nojiko. And just to mess with my head even more, everyone's least favorite neighborhood jerkass god had felt the need to make his male form _exceedingly_ handsome. Like, I'm not kidding you: It was like looking at a cross between Isaiah Mustafa and Prince William. My body and mind were _so freaking confused right now!_ "Anyway, Zoro raises a good point. How long exactly are we going to be stuck like this, and what can we do to revert the changes?"

BZZT.

I looked at my Nokia with all the hatred of Akainu on Talk Like a Pirate Day, and begrudgingly read the message aloud for the crew's sake.

 **All-Seeing-Author (a) gmail com:** _Well, you COULD just wait it out for the week-long timer. Orrrr, if you_ really _want to get out of things now, just follow the Disney Magical Malady Cure_ — _kiss your one true love. Take a look at your captain; he's already got it down pat!  
_  
Our heads turned to Luffy, whose mouth was now filled with an extremely large slab of meat-on-the-bone, and who was also back in his original body.

"I need a fucking drink," I said woozily, and stumbled to the refrigerator.

"I never thought I'd hear you say that." King Kong's tail flicked. "Although I'm right with you on that one..."

"Oh, God," said a wide-eyed Usopp, the picture of a sweet Spanish mother. "A female _and_ drunk Evan? I think the world might explode..."

You know, I could see why a certain blond SI's head loved walls so much. Slamming against them was uniquely cathartic.


	16. Vivi Needs a Zip On Her Lips

**A/N :** Welcome back, one and all! If you're wondering how this chapter came out so fast, it was mainly because the underclassmen at my school were testing, but due to me being a senior, I got to have pretty much an entire day of study halls. That meant I had tons of time on my hands with nothing to do except write; thank God for Google Docs. Anyway, thanks to that awesomeness, we now have this chapter up and running. Thanks again to EXNativo and The Patient One for helping edit this chapter. And as always, don't forget to check out the TV Tropes page, and feel free to donate to the series' Patre0n if you're filling a little extra wealthy. One other real quick thing, though — when you're done reading this, please go ahead and pay Vikingr's _Twelve Red Lines_ a visit, as it's easily as good as This Bites! Vikingr is an amazing writer with impeccable skill, and deserves every bit of traffic she can get.

Oh, and before I forget, I have now started up a new Undertale SI, _Magnanimous_. Feel free to go check that out if you like SI's and if you like Undertale, as it's gonna be pretty great. _Ripples in the Pond_ will always take priority above _Magnanimous_ though, so if the latter takes some time updating, it's because I'm focusing on this story.

I may have made a small trebuchet in under five hours this week, but I still didn't make _One Piece,_ so all rights go to the great and powerful Oda.

* * *

Chapter 14: Vivi Needs a Zip on Her Lips

Zoro barely caught Evan's smirk as he fell, the brown-haired boy's snores raising up into the darkened room. He smirked, too, knowing as well as the now-sleeping Hammer likely did that Zoro was _extremely_ ready for this battle.

He'd been itching for a good fight ever since they entered the Grand Line. The only _real_ fight he'd actually had since joining the Straw Hats was against Mihawk, and that had been absolutely no contest; he'd been completely out of his league. All of his other fights had been the exact _opposite_. Cabaji had been a complete joke of a swordsman, hiding behind smokescreens and other cheap tricks; the Nyaban Brothers had only been the least bit tough because he hadn't had all three swords, and had had bad footing and little space to fight with; and Hatchan was just… well, lacking in serious passion. Tonight, however, Zoro's hands grasped his swords with an eager restlessness, his jaw clenching tightly around Wado Ichimonji. He could feel the weapons humming in time to his own excitement.

Oh, what a _good time_ it was to be a pirate!

"Nngh… she uses… hypnossss—"

Zoro's eyes darted to Nami's sister as she finally lost the fight against unconsciousness as well. Nojiko slumped to the ground, cheek resting in what must have been a very uncomfortable manner against the cold floor. A sleeping King Kong slumped to the edge of a barrel beside her, slowly tumbling off it and landing next to her. The swordsman's eyebrows raised in both amusement and interest in what the blue-haired girl had been saying. So the reason he was currently about to defend three sleeping crewmembers instead of fighting alongside them wasn't because they were lazy, but because they'd been hypnotized? Interesting. Annoying, but interesting.

Zoro let the flat side of Sandai Kitetsu rest upon his shoulder, and he pointed Yubashiri directly at Miss Wednesday, who had frozen in surprise upon noticing him. "I thought your names sounded familiar," he said, allowing a savage grin to slid across his lips. "Mr. 9? Miss Wednesday? I've heard of names like that before… You're not the only ones of your kind, are you, _Baroque Works_?"

The air in the warehouse was rendered completely silent, save for Evan's heavy, hypnosis-induced snoring, and some remarkably funny monkey snores. Nojiko, for her part, was completely silent; perhaps she was simply sleeping lighter than the boys.

Miss Wednesday, shaking, took an involuntary step backwards. Her eyes widened, and her hands strayed to her pockets before extracting from them a pair of peacock slashers. Zoro gripped his swords tighter and lowered Sandai Kitetsu in response.

"How do you know that name, pirate?" she asked, a stammer hovering on the edge of her voice.

Zoro's already evil grin widened and thinned further, and his face looked like a physical projection of Lucifer himself. "You see, during my time as a bounty hunter in the East Blue, I was approached by a man and woman with very similar names. They claimed to be from something called Baroque Works and requested I join them. Unfortunately for them, you can't tie down a _demon_."

That sentence hanging in the air, Zoro charged forward across the room, tensing his muscles. His sky blue-haired opponent yelped and lifted her arms up into the air. Confused, Zoro narrowed his eyes and swept his arm back in preparation for a strike. The next second, however, Miss Wednesday's body rolled and undulate to some unheard beat, and her helix-covered dress seemed to swirl. Zoro's attention was unintentionally gravitated to it, and he found himself unable to look away from the helices. Something sickly sweet filtered through the air, reaching up into the resident Mosshead's nostrils, and he suddenly felt quite relaxed.

"Why don't you take a nice, long rest?" his opponent asked sweetly, and Zoro cursed to himself as he dropped to one knee.

 _The hypnotism!_ he growled in the back of his mind. _Shit, I fell for it_ …

Zoro's vision faltered as he drifted on the edge of sleep and wakefulness. Luckily, it returned in enough time to see that nun-looking bodybuilder, Sister, come barreling at him with all the force and momentum of a freight train. The will to fight flooded down every single nerve in the swordsman's body, and summoning all the strength he had, he leaped to the side to avoid the strike. However, it wasn't soon enough; the massive hammer Sister carried still struck him a glancing blow. He stumbled off-course and nearly tripped over the still-sleeping Evan.

"Gah!" Zoro spat as he regained his balance. His shoulder, the part that the large mallet had smacked into, flared in pain, and he knew it was dislocated. With a curse and a grunt, the unofficial first mate of the Straw Hat Pirates knocked his shoulder back into place with one clean blow. The pain from doing so was even worse than it being dislocated in the first place. His movements were still sluggish, but his throbbing shoulder was at least keeping him awake, which he considered a plus.

"You're a resilient one," growled Sister, hefting the hammer onto her shoulder. A piercing frown fell across her face as she considered the groggy swordsman.

"Damn, trying to fight like this is annoying," Zoro grumbled to himself. He bent his legs and turned back to Sister. "I have to be as resilient as I can if I want to have any hope of besting Mihawk," he said. "And besides, I made a promise to my captain that until he becomes the King of the Pirates, I will not lose another fight. That's not a promise that I am willing to break."

Zoro dashed forward, swinging his head and arms up at Miss Monday, who gripped her gigantic hammer and brought it smashing downward at him. The sheer force of her weapon outweighed his own force, and his swords were cut off their course and smashed into the ground. Zoro twisted his body with all his might, and the motion knocked the hammer back up into the air, allowing him to regain a proper fighting stance. At the same moment, a challenge cry from behind brought Zoro's attention to Mr. 9, who was rushing at him with both hands gripping the base of a sword. Miss Wednesday charged across the cold warehouse floor after him, peacock slashers spinning wildly.

"All three at once, eh?" grunted the swordsman, tense.

The blue-haired officer agent flicked her hands, and the sharp wires of her weapons flashed through the dark room almost invisibly. Zoro swung Yubashiri out to block the oncoming attack, his movements slowed by the effects of Miss Wednesday's hypnotism. Before he could even draw back the sword, Mr. 9 followed up with a howl and a slash of his sword, which Zoro was forced to parry using Wado Ichimonji. At the same moment, Sister already recovered her balance, and this time aimed a swipe at the green-haired teen's side. Eyes widening, he knocked away the other two's weapons, causing them to stumble backwards. At the last moment before the hammer hit him, Zoro managed to catch the underside of her hammer with his three blades and throw it off course. It missed him by a hair.

Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 weren't about to give him a chance to breathe, however. The moment the two regained their balances, they jumped in with a flurry of cuts and slashes. Zoro was forced to fall on the defensive. Blow after blow was parried, and at the same time he was forced to sidestep and deflect mallet strikes powerful enough to crack concrete walls. He was still exhausted as a result of being nearly hypnotised, so the agents were able to keep him on his toes. A minute into the incredible flurry of metal, all three of his opponents happened to attack at the same time, and with a grunt, Zoro caught the weight of all three's weapons on his swords. He struggled to keep his stance with Miss Monday's massive strength weighing him down and his legs' hypnotism-induced weakness. They all pushed down on him, growling, and little by little, his arms started to lower.

" _Damn it_ ," Zoro hissed under his breath, his unnaturally tired brain desperate for an opening—

 _SLAM!_

The sickening crack of wood against skull resonated across the warehouse, and Mr. 9's eyes glazed over. Zoro blinked in surprise as the wannabe king slumped to the ground, unconscious, to reveal none other than Nami standing behind him with a shit-eating grin, her three-quartered staff extended in such a position that it could have easily struck the agent's head.

"There you are, Zoro!" Nami said, far too cheerfully.

Zoro's glare pierced through her. "I could have handled it on my own," he grumbled. For emphasis, he heaved both Miss Monday and Miss Wednesday off of him and stumbled backwards several feet, the latter of the girls tripping backwards over an unfortunately positioned wine barrel with a yelp.

The crew's money grubber snorted. Unimpressed, she jabbed her three-quartered staff against the ground a few times. "Really. Well, anyway, you take on the bodybuilder. I've got her friend."

"I'm not going to let either of you make any progress!" declared Miss Monday, who had once more regained her balance.

She looked pissed, her scowl clearly evident on her lips as she lifted the hammer high over and behind her head. Zoro grunted as Nami turned, the two Straw Hats' backs facing each other. He shuffled his feet into a horse stance and bent his head so that Wado Ichimonji laid parallel with the floor. He then crossed his arms in front of his chest, forcing Sandai Kitetsu and Yubashiri to point out at opposite directions. Finally, Zoro bent his knees and leaped forward, unfolding his limbs and cranking his neck to the side.

"ONI GIRI!" he snarled around Wado Ichimonji.

Miss Monday, however, was as reflexive as she was strong, and jumped back a foot or two. At the same moment, the dark-skinned weight-lifter slammed her hammer through the air as though throwing a haymaker, and its face crashed against Zoro's three swords. She'd effectively blocked the attack—too bad the future Strongest Swordsman's strength was enough for the instruments to bite into the hammer's thick wood, and easily slice the head in two. Uselessly, the cleaved off end of the hammer crashed with a very loud din to the stone floor.

A cold bead of sweat rolled down the back of the secret agent's head, and her eyes widened. "Well… crap."

"Nice reaction time," Zoro approved, smirking behind his treasured sword's grip. "It's too bad you didn't get a steel hammer." He moved to attack and finish off the disarmed woman, but stumbled as the sleepy aroma of that thrice-damned perfume wafted through the warehouse again.

Behind him, Nami was locked in combat with Miss Wednesday, who had picked herself up off the floor with surprising dignity for someone who'd managed to trip over a very large barrel. The blue-haired nemesis hoisted her peacock slashers at the ready, glaring at Nami. The cat burglar sighed.

"Look, I really don't want to fight anyone, so just lower the slashers and we're all good, right?" Nami tried.

The Baroque Works agent released her senses-diminishing perfume into the air, starting up her hypnotic dance once more. Before it could take hold of her mind, Nami tore her eyes away.

"I'll take that as a no," mumbled Nami, sleepier this time; but when she'd been working for Arlong, she'd been exposed to many different types of sleeping gases, so she wasn't as tired as Zoro was. Holding back a yawn, Nami rolled her eyes toward the younger girl. "Don't say I didn't warn you," she said, and dashed toward the dancer.

Miss Wednesday switched from dancing to fighting seamlessly, an evident result of her time spent as an agent for a criminal organization. As Nami raced up to her, her dainty fingers twirling her bo staff in quick circles, the agent flicked her peacock slashers at her. The darkness worked to the latter's advantage, making it hard to tell where the very thin lines of sharp metal were aimed at; but Nami's past experiences again canceled this out. She'd spent many nights crawling around pirate ships in utter darkness, straining her eyes to detect any possible sneak attacks.

Squinting through the night-shrouded warehouse, Nami deflected several whistling cuts from the slashers, knocking her staff against the sharp metal and sending it off-course. Vivi huffed angrily and flicked her wrists again, renewing the slashers' velocities and momentum. However, Nami spun and blocked them again, swinging her staff with practiced precision. Luckily for her, she wasn't so tired that her fighting was terribly affected, allowing for easy reaction speed. She couldn't simply block and deflect for eternity, though, so deciding to end the battle as quickly as possible, the redhead pounded forward, staff held protectively across her body. She glanced down at it as she charged Miss Wednesday and growled in annoyance at the little gashes that now dotted the long weapon.

"You nicked up my staff!" Nami grumbled, glaring at Miss Wednesday. "I've had this since I was a girl. You're gonna pay for that."

"D-Don't come any closer!" the agent stammered, and flicked her wrists again, trying to get her weapons around Nami's back where it would be awkward to block; but Nami's well-trained eyes saw the attacks coming and she spun even as she ran. With one fluid motion, she batted both slashers away, swept back around, and dashed forward the last several feet she needed to. Miss Wednesday, sweating bullets, tried to back up, but the first Straw Hat female gave her no chance to do so. Instead, Nami quickly cracked her three-quartered staff atop the crown of the Baroque Works agent, and her eyes glazing over, the young woman crumpled to the ground.

Nami broke her staff back into its three sections and slipped them into her shorts pocket. "And that takes care of that!" she concluded, clapping her hands together as though dusting them.

Zoro, meanwhile, stood up tall, head now much less woozy than it had been previously; Miss Wednesday's defeat had effectively broken the hypnotism. Back at full strength, he grinned savagely at Miss Monday, and the muscular woman felt herself give an involuntary flinch. Without her weapon, and with Zoro at peak wakefulness, she was beginning to feel more than a little out of her league.

"Heh, your little friend's trick is done now," said Zoro with a smirk. He sheathed Yubashiri and Sandai Kitetsu. This done, he reached up to grab Wado Ichimonji's pommel, and sheath it as well. "I'll admit you entertained me, but the game's up now. One-Sword Style…"

 _SHIT!_ Miss Monday mentally screamed, and quickly turned to punch the warehouse wall down and leap through, but her fist had barely gonewent through it before Zoro suddenly jumped up to her side and unsheathed his blade with remarkable speed. A long slice opened up along the Frontier Agent's lower chest and side, and she fell to her knees, slumped against the wall. Blood flowed freely from the woman's wound, a thick red pool of the life-giving liquid coalescing on the floor.

"LION'S SONG!"

"Why didn't you… just attack my back…?" groaned Miss Monday as her consciousness faded.

Zoro snorted. "Feh. That's something only people who _pretend_ to be swordsmen would do. Wounds on the opponent's back are the sign of a dishonorable person, and only the honorable can ever hope to touch a sword."

"Ha… Honorable… It's been so long since I've seen people who can truly call themselves that…" Miss Monday rolled around so that her back was against the wall, and she was looking up at the ceiling. "You better go _damn_ far, Pirate Hunter, or I'll find you and rip you limb from limb."

"It's a shame you didn't choose the path of the sword," acknowledged Zoro, allowing her a small smirk. Then he gripped one sword tight, flipped it so that its pommel was pointed at her, and slammed it into her forehead hard enough that she went out cold. "Now do me a favor and don't get the fuck in our way."

Nami rolled her eyes as she turned to face him, staff tapping against her shoulder sarcastically. "Oh, yeah, _real honorable_."

"You wouldn't know _honor_ if it bit you in the face and stole half your money, Sea Witch!" barked Zoro, unimpressed.

"Of course I would, and I would lay it flat with a punch and then make it pay me back 300% interest, as well. Now, care to tell me why our chronicler's handcuffed and unconscious? I couldn't quite get the full details because I was busy saving you from getting your tired ass handed to you."

The green-haired young man's fury ignited. "LIKE I SAID, I WOULD'VE BEEN DAMN FINE ON MY OWN!"

"Men have a unique definition of 'fine,'" snarked Nami, but before the two could get into a full-blown argument, a tired, feminine groan turned their attention to Nojiko.

"Ugh, I don't feel so good," the strategist mumbled groggily.

She sat up slowly, rubbing the side of her head. Her mouth opened to releaseintake a huge yawn, and she glanced up with tired eyes as Nami and Zoro stepped over to her,. tThe latter of the two sheathinged his swordWado Ichimonji as he went and then. The swordsman offereingd his hand to help her up., and Nojiko accepted gratefully, unable to hold back another yawn as he pulled her.

"Thaaaanks, Zoro," she groaned sleepily.

He shrugged. "Don't mention it."

"So, what exactly's going on here?" asked Nami with a concerned frown.

"These guys," Nojiko grumbled, jabbing her thumb at the unmoving agents, "are bounty hunters who tried to capture us all. They got Evan in handcuffs made from some metal they called seastone that locked his powers away."

"Locked his powers away?" Zoro's eyebrow raised. "We'll have to keep a sharp eye out for that in the future, then. If Luffy ever gets himself in those, that could be a lotfair bit of trouble."

"Definitely," said Nojiko agreed with a nod,. She nodded and then she pointed to Evan. "The real problem here, though, is that he has information proving that these guys aren't who they say they are and are instead bounty hunters."

Nami tilted her head. "Wait, why would he need to have…? No, never mind." She facepalmed. "It's Luffy, what am I thinking? If he was awake, he'd probably think that—"

" _ZOROOOO! NAMIIIIII!_ "

All three of the awakened Straw Hats in the warehouse froze, their faces twitching in unison at the enraged shout coming from outside. They started to turn around in the direction of the voice of their captain, but even as they did so, there came an almighty _CRASH!_ of a fist against a wall, and the sound of rubble tumbling to the floor. Dust billowed up into the air, and then a rubbery hand shot through, grabbed a barrel, and retracted an equally rubbery body to it.

Monkey D. Luffy entered the warehouse at a sufficient velocity to smash a beer barrel into smithereens. Light, translucent brown liquid flowed all over the floor, mixing with Miss Monday's blood. The air stank strongly with the thick aroma of South Blue booze, and Zoro actually wrinkled his nose at it. Of all the alcohol in the world, the South Blue's was the most disgusting. Luffy, however, paid the stench no mind and quickly picked himself off the ground, readjusted his hat, and glared at the swordsman and navigator. He was so incredibly stuffed with food that he looked like a sumo wrestler who had eaten a sumo wrestler and then gone back to the buffet for seconds.

"YOU TWO!" he barked, so pissed that Zoro wouldn't be surprised if steam actually came out of the captain's ears. "WHY DID YOU KNOCK OUT THESE AWESOME PEOPLE WHO GAVE US FOOD!?"

Nami looked like she was trying _very hard_ to hold back from slamming her head into the nearest wall. "Grkghg… yeah, that's pretty much what I was going to say…" she growled, her thin, plastic smile visibly twitching.

As the dust cleared, Zoro saw that Luffy had smashed a hole through the wall and apparently Gum-Gum Rocketed through it. He sweatdropped at his captain's antics—specifically at the fact that there was a perfectly reasonable broken window _two feet away_ from the demolished portion of the wall. "What I want to know," he grumbled to Nami, striking his palm against his forehead, "is why he didn't just _go through the already-smashed window_."

"BECAUSE THAT WASN'T COOL ENOUGH!" roared Luffy, pounding his chest.

Nojiko sweatdropped. "Yep, figures."

The captain's gaze turned to her and he blinked. "Oh, hi, Nojiko."

"Hi, captain."

"AND YOU'RE NOT MAD AT HER!?" Zoro and Nami demanded, their veins in their forehead pulsing.

Luffy's rage flared again as his attention turned back to them. "SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME!"

"AND NOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO LET US EXPLAIN OURSELVES!?"

As Luffy whirled his arm back and built up momentum for a punch, Zoro unsheathed his swords, placing Wado Ichimonji in its altar within his mouth, and holding Yubashiri and Sandai Kitetsu in front of him. "Nami, Nojiko," he growled around Wado, glaring at the unreasonably enraged wanted man, "you two take Evan and King Kong and get them to wake up. Then have Evan come back here and show Luffy that proof you mentioned. I'll hold off Captain Moron until then."

"Gotcha!" declared the two women.

As Luffy bellowed, "GUM-GUM BULLET!" and slammed his fist into Zoro's sword, which flashed through the air to block the punch, the two women raced to the sleeping young man and monkey. Nojiko grabbed Evan and hoisted him onto her shoulders. Nami lifted up King Kong by the scruff of his neck, and then carried him like a kitten. The slumbering vervet monkey cooed and curled up in her arms, drawing a snort from the navigator.

"Look at how peaceful King is," she said to Nojiko with a small smile as they stepped over to the broken window and wall. "He's like a little baby."

"You're lucky," grunted Nojiko, wincing as she carried Evan. "You don't have to lug around someone weighing as much as you do."

Nami opened her mouth, then closed it and wrinkled her nose. "Hey, do you smell greed, gunpowder, and lots of testosterone?"

They lifted their feet up and began to exit through the window… and blinked at the huge lines of fifty bounty hunters walking up the street towards them, weapons drawn and at the ready. Upon spotting the four pirates, only half of whom were aware of what was happening, the legion face-faulted and pointed any long-range weapons at them. They had apparently been attracted to the sound of fighting rising up into the night.

Nojiko stared flatly. "...I don't like this path," she decided, retreating back into the warehouse.

"Seconded," said Nami dryly, following suit.

The girls dashed back across the stone floor of the warehouse, shouts of the villagers rising up in the distance as they picked up speed and tried to follow. Zoro and Luffy were now in a full-out war, swords clanging repeatedly against flurries of fists, dashing about the warehouse like bats out of hell. Here and there, an unfortunate barrel of alcohol was destroyed, adding to the slippery contents on the floor. Nojiko and Nami avoided the thin layer of various liquids so as 1) to not get their shoes wet and 2) to avoid the risk of slipping and falling. As the first of the Whiskey Peakers reached the broken window and very large hole in the wall, Nojiko and Nami were already at the far end of the warehouse. The former set Evan down on a dry patch of floor momentarily to reach beneath and behind her shirt, and when she had extracted it, she had grasped in her hand the enormous red scythe which she had used against the Marines at Loguetown.

Nami stared, disbelief etched in her eyes. "How the hell did you fit that under your _shirt_?"

"First rule of piracy, dear sister," said Nojiko cheekily, smashing the scythe into the nearest window. The glass shattered and sprinkled all over the street outside, and with a smirk, she stashed it back under her shirt. "Don't question the craziness; just flow with it, and look for ways to increase it even further."

"They're getting away!" cried one of the Billions. "Shoot them!"

Unfortunately, they had happened to get in Luffy and Zoro's path. "DON'T GET IN OUR WAY!" the two fighters bellowed in unison, and promptly knocked the nearest agents unconscious.

The women sweatdropped as Nojiko picked up Evan once more, hoisted him onto her back, and they leaped through the newly shattered window. "They may be idiots," acknowledged Nami, "but at least they can help us without even meaning to."

The sisters ran down the streets of the town, looking for a safe place to wake up Evan and King Kong in. Out of nowhere, a Whiskey Peaker leaped off of a rooftop as they passed, sword pointed down at them to impale them. Nojiko, however, risked releasing a hand from holding Evan up and reached into her pocket, drawing out a pistol and shooting the man in his shoulder. The poor guy howled in pain as he fell harmlessly behind them. Nojiko dropped the pistol back into her pocket and regained her hold on Evan, and then they ducked into an empty house.

"First of all, we need to get Evan's cuffs off," Nojiko decided with a frown. "It seemed like they were really screwing with his head."

"I can do that, no sweat," said Nami, and she reached into her pocket and withdrew a pin. She turned Evan over so that she had easier access to the handcuffs, then stuck the pin in the lock and jiggled it around. After a few moments of tense handiwork, the cuffs clicked and fell off of Evan's flaming red, sore wrists.

"Alright, now how can we wake these morons up?" asked Nojiko, frowning down at the boys as they set them down.

"Leave that to me, too," Nami said, smirking and cracking her knuckles.

Nojiko sweatdropped. "Why do I feel like this is going to be very painful for them…?"

"WAKE THE HELL UP, MORONS!"

 _SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP!_

"Yuuuup," deadpanned Nojiko, eyes flat as Nami relentlessly bitch-slapped both man and monkey. "Not surprising."

Evan and King groaned groggily, but didn't wake up.

"It's not working," pointed out the blue-haired girl.

Nami frowned. "Alright… wait a moment…" She thought for a moment, holding her hand to her chin and rubbing it thoughtfully. "Alright, got it." She took a deep breath, then shouted in Evan's ear, "OI! IF YOU TWO DON'T WAKE UP _THIS INSTANT_ , YOU'RE BOTH IN DEBT FOR LIFE!"

One brown-haired boy and one white-furred monkey shot up to a full sitting position. At the same time, as if on some reflex, one human fist barreled up through the air. In a collision course with Nami's cheek. Without time for her to move.

"I'M UP, I'M UP!" yelped Evan Johnson, as his fist punched heavily into the navigator's face. "Wait, why do I feel like I just punched someone…? And why do I feel like I just screwed myself over for life…?"

Silence reigned for a few moments as he looked at his fist, then looked past it at the shocked, and increasingly pissed, redheaded woman beyond.

"Well… shit," he said woodenly, a bead of sweat rolling down the back of his head.

~o~

I know, I know. I honestly hadn't meant to punch our navigator. I have no idea what drove me to do it, either, as I'd never had weird reflexes like accidentally punching people who woke me up. But for some reason, when I came to after Vivi's highly annoying hypnotism had knocked me out, I suddenly found myself with my fist buried in Nami's cheek. I repeat: in Nami's cheek. Nami, who was absolutely livid and glaring at me like I'd insulted her entire family from the top of the bloodline down. As if my hand was on fire, I pulled it back as quickly as possible, but her expression did not soften one iota.

Yep. I was screwed.

"Okay," she said so quietly that it was somehow even scarier than if she'd shouted at the top of her lungs. "I take it back. You're swimming in debt anyway. _For life_."

"… _I regret everything_ ," I whimpered under her furious glare.

"Mistakes were made," King Kong's sign language deadpanned.

To distract myself from Nami's ire, I looked around the warehouse—only to find that we were no longer in the warehouse. Oh, and those seastone handcuffs were off, too, so I could actually think again. That was nice. Anyway, instead of the warehouse, we appeared to be in some random person's house. The door behind us was closed, suggesting that the two girls had possibly ducked in here to hide. The floor was soft and carpeted, although I couldn't quite make out the color because everything was dark and I was still somewhat sleepy. King Kong sat, bleary-eyed, next to me.

"What happened?" I asked Nojiko, tilting my head.

She shrugged. "Nothing much. King and I tried to save your sorry ass from the Whiskey Peak Frontier Agents, but shit hit the fan and Miss Wednesday got us both with that annoying hypnotism. Then Zoro and Nami came in and kicked ass, I guess, because when I woke up all three agents were unconscious, and our friends were talking. Luffy came in like a wrecking ball as I was trying to explain what happened, and wouldn't even give us a chance to explain ourselves. He started trying to fight Nami and Zoro, but Zoro held him off so we could leave with you guys and get you to show Luffy your proof." She blinked. "Oh, by the way, you need to do that."

I facepalmed and groaned. "So, in spite of everything we tried, nothing changed."

"Nothing changed?" Nami tilted her head. "Whaddya mean?"

"Nojiko, King and I were trying to get me to become a prisoner of those bounty hunters," I explained for the navigator, "so that we could avert any stupidity that would happen tonight. Looks like we didn't really get to do that, though."

"Well, I wouldn't say that," Nojiko said, glancing carefully at Nami. "The… artists haven't shown up yet, and neither have the other two, so we still have a shot."

My eyebrows shot up, even as the redhead's narrowed in confusion. "Really?" I said, humming. "Interesting…" I yawned, stretched, and stood up, and King Kong hopped up onto my shoulder. "Well, if that's true, then we have no time to spare. Come on, let's head back to the warehouse the bounty hunters took me to. I got everything I need right in here," I added, pulling out my Nokia from my leather jacket with a grin.

"It might be a bit of a mess in there," warned Nami as we left the random house and didn't bother to close the door behind us. "Last we knew, Zoro and Luffy were still dueling to the death, and there was a small army of the bounty hunters entering the scene."

I frowned. "Well, so long as Luffy hears what he needs to, it should all be fine, I think," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

We made our way under the cool night air back down the street to the warehouse, walking across the cobblestone street. Ahead, the stars twinkled beautifully in the sky, and I couldn't help but stare up at them for a bit. They were so different from the ones I knew back home; I couldn't spot a single similar constellation. There was no Big or Little Dipper, no Northern Star, no nothing. I'm sure this world had its own constellations and such, but I had no idea what to look for. And anyway, it just helped to hammer home the fact that this was an entirely different universe. It made me a little bit sad, the knowledge that I would never be able to stare up at the sky and point out the Little Dipper again. Or at least, not for ages to pass.

At last, we made our way back to the warehouse, where the sounds of fighting echoed through the walls and… a broken window? I blinked at that last bit, but decided not to question it. Instead, I held up a halting hand and turned on my Nokia. I needed to be completely ready for this to work. I went back to my voice recording and sweatdropped a bit when I realized I'd never gotten the chance to turn it off. If I remembered correctly, though, about ten or twenty minutes had passed before I'd given the signal for Nojiko and King to burst in and save my ass. I stopped the recording, then found the file it got saved to and scrolled the little bar over to the time stamp I believed the correct position to be.

"Wow, how does that work, exactly?" asked Nami, eyes wide as she watched me do my thing.

I shrugged. "Hell if I know," I admitted. "But one of the things you can do on this is record sound by pressing that triangular button, and then stop the recording by pressing the button with the straight lines. After that, you can play the captured sound back as many times as you like. This thing also allows you to snap pictures and instantly message people who also have it from miles away. It's pretty sweet."

King clapped his hands. "Wow, that's pretty neat!" he signed, coming as close to a grin as a monkey could. "Your world sounds cool, Evan."

"Wicked," Nami breathed. I could practically hear the gears turning in her head. "I wonder how much that thing could go for…"

"NO WAY ARE YOU SELLING THIS!" I yelped, holding my Nokia safely to my chest. "This is from my world, and besides, I own it! It's mine! And it may have many other uses for us in the future!"

She deflated. "Oh, alright. But _only_ because it's more helpful for us if we keep it."

"Anyway," Nojiko said with a knowing grin, "if you have your… sound recording ready, let's head in."

"Right," everyone chorused.

We filed in through the broken window, Nami first and King and I coming in last. Inside the warehouse was a downright mess, as our navigator had predicted. The whole place stank like alcohol, and the floor was coated in some weird, mixed liquid. Various Baroque Works agents lay groaning on the ground, with others cowering against the walls. At the far wall, Miss Monday was slumped against the floor, blood seeping slowly from a fairly fresh wound. She, Mr. 9, and Vivi seemed to be slowly coming to, sitting up painfully. And in the middle of it all, Zoro and Luffy dashed about madly, exchanging blow upon blow, but neither quite gaining the upper hand.

"OI! LUFFY! I HAVE MEAT FOR YOU!" I called out, and the raven-haired boy immediately stood stock still for a moment, before flashing before me so quickly I couldn't quite track his movements.

"Really!?" he gasped, eyes wide and eager.

Zoro, panting, stomped angrily on the floor, and mixed alcohols splashed up into the air. "OH, COME ON! THAT'S ALL IT TOOK!?" he roared in disbelief.

" _Don't question it, don't question it, don't question it_ ," I heard Nami mutter desperately under her breath beside me.

I shook my head. "Actually, no, Luffy, I'm sorry, but I don't." The captain deflated into such a miserable state that I actually felt a little bad, but I sighed and showed him my Nokia. "I do, however, have proof that Zoro and Nami had a perfectly good reason for attacking those guys."

Luffy blinked. "Oh, hey, that's the thing that fell on your head, right?"

Ignoring that comment, I pressed the playback button on my voice recorder, and Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday's voices filtered through the air.

" _How do you expect to be a member of an organization whose boss plans to create an ideal country by putting Alabasta into revolution if you can't even kill a whale?_ " growled Miss Monday's recorded voice.

Vivi's annoyed response filtered through the Nokia. " _Oh, come on, Crocodile will praise us for bringing in these high bounties!_ "

My hand flinched so violently I accidentally paused the recording.

The entire room fell silent.

"Wait…" growled Miss Monday, terror inching into her pained voice. "I was talking about Mr. 0… Miss Wednesday, _please_ don't tell me that you accidentally said Mr. 0's real name."

The terrified blue-haired double agent stiffened, skin paling like a ghost's. "Um… I'm sorry, but… maybe?"

I swear to this day that I heard crickets. When my shocked brain finally rebooted, I ran over to her and shook her desperately, practically strangling her. At the same time, two murky hands rose up out of the liquid pooling in the ground to do the same to the other agents. I screamed in equal parts disbelief, rage, and fear, "ARE YOU _KIDDING ME!?_ YOU _HONESTLY_ SAID THAT!?" Practically crying, I whipped my head around to glare at Mr. 9 and Miss Monday. "AND YOU TWO _DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE IT_ THE FIRST TIME!?"

" _We're very sorry!_ " sobbed each agent.

In pure denial, I released the agents, fell to my knees, and sobbed to the ceiling, endless streams of curses that even I didn't know I knew erupting from my lips. A few seconds later, though, I was cut off from my blabbering by the sound of a very noticeably loud clapping of what seemed to be seashells knocking together. Cold terror rushed through my whole being, and I _sloooowly_ looked over to the broken window which Nojiko had initially smashed to try and save me. Sitting on the edge of the sill was a disturbingly large vulture, who carried a glasses-wearing otter on its back. The otter, its slick brown fur illuminated by the moonlight shining from the sky, carried a large pad of paper… and on it was a sketch of me.

"Is that otter… drawing us…?" Nami asked, tilting her head in confusion.

Vivi's eyes widened, horrified. "M-Mr. 13 and M-Miss Friday… t-they must've heard Mr. Bushido and the captain fighting, and came to check things out…"

"Huh?" Nami blinked. "Wait, those names… you mean those animals are in the same thing you guys are?"  
"Yeah, Baroque Works," Vivi moaned miserably. "It's a criminal organization bent on creating an ideal nation. Those two collect information on anyone who breaks its rules and then take their portraits back to Mr. 0, and then the people in them are hunted relentlessly."

"Wait, so…" Nami's eyes shot open. "You mean we're on their hit list now!? That's it, I'm out of here. See you guys! Have a nice adventure!"

The redhead started to turn around, but at that moment, Mr. 13 apparently finished his drawings, as he turned the pad around and showed us his work. He flipped through page after page, showing that he'd drawn every single conscious agent, as well as us pirates, to complete perfection. Nami clapped excitedly, her eyes lighting up. "Ooo, that's actually pretty good!" she said happily—then she face-faulted, the realization striking her over the head even as the vulture and otter pair got up and flew away into the night. Everyone was still so shocked and horrified that we didn't even have the thought to stop them until it was too late. "WAIT, SO I CAN'T EVEN RUN AWAY NOW!?"

"Where exactly were you gonna run away to anyway?" Zoro and I demanded in unison. We blinked at each other, and I shrugged at him.

"Wait, wait, wait, this can't be happening!" moaned Mr. 9, drooping to the floor, tears streaming down from his eyes. "Baroque Works was supposed to be my ticket to becoming a king! Now it's going to hunt and kill me!? I'm ruined!"

"Baroque Works?" Luffy's brow furrowed in confusion. "Crocodile? Uhh… what's going on?"

"These guys were bounty hunters and also part of a secret criminal organization known as Baroque Works," I explained.

"...Urgh, since we're all in the same boat here, I'll just explain everything else," Vivi groaned. "Everyone there goes by code names, like mine and Mr. 9's. The agents with numbered names are ranked by strength in descending order, Mr. 0 being the strongest and the head of the organization. He's actually Sir Crocodile, one of the Seven Warlords who are sanctioned by the World Government and control this half of the Grand Line. His current plan is to take over my home country, Alabasta, which I am the princess of. My real name isn't Miss Wednesday, but is Nefertari Vivi. I infiltrated Baroque Works in order to learn its secrets and expose its plans, but now there's no hope… I can't even get home now because they'll hunt my escort and I down. My escort is Igarappoi, whose name is actually Igaram."

"Hold on," Mr. 9 began, eyes wide, "you mean you really are a—!?"

"Oh," said Luffy, completely ignoring Mr. 9, who hung his head in a wallow of despair and shame. "So then why don't we just take you home and help you stop Croc?"

Vivi's mouth hung open, as did most of the other agents'.

"Uh…" Nami looked like she was trying to imitate a fish. "Luffy, you _did_ hear her say that Crocodile's one of the Seven Warlords, right!? Like Mihawk!?"

"Yeah, so?"

"SO HE'S GONNA BE SUPER STRONG!" both Nami and her sister roared.

Zoro shrugged. "We'll be fine as long as we're careful. I personally can't wait to meet another Warlord this soon."

"Yeah, I wonder what kind of guy he is?" Luffy pondered, tilting his head in consideration.

Nami sighed and bent her head in resignation. She lifted a hand out to Vivi. "Well, _alright_ , but you're gonna have to pay us HARD MONEY. Like a billion belli."

The princess gulped. "A b-billion? I don't think we have that much in our reserves…"

"U-uhhhh…" Miss Monday looked like she was almost ready to pass out again, but shook her head and raised a hand. "I don't mean to be rude, but is it possible you could escort us as well? We've all been exposed to Crocodile's real name, anyway, so we're as wanted by Baroque Works as you pirates. We won't be able to stay here, because they'll easily find us and kill us, and besides, Miss Wednesday… er, sorry, Vivi… I like to think that over the time we've known each other, we've become close friends. As close as you can get in this line of work, anyway. I'd rather spend my wanted days helping my friend save her people then living in terror with no purpose."

Zoro grinned. "I knew that you should've chosen the path of the sword."

"Yeah!" a random Billion spoke up, lifting his hand. "I-I'm with Miss Monday. If it comes to this… I don't want to be sitting around doing nothing, waiting to die!"

Another stuck her hand up, looking scared but stern. "Seconded! Miss Wednesday's too kind of a person to deserve that."

"Y-You guys…" sniffed Vivi, as one by one, the other Billions all joined in the chorus of agreements.

For a few moments, Luffy was silent. He stared at the crowd, lifting up their voices in defense of Vivi, and absorbed it all, closing his eyes. Finally, he opened them and grinned wide. "Alright, you guys can all come along, too."

Nojiko stared. "Are you joking? We can't fit all these guys on the _Going Merry_."

Someone raised their hand. "We have boats of our own!"

"There, it's settled!" Luffy said happily, clapping his hands together in excitement. Giggles rose up from his chest. "Man, I'm getting pumped! This is gonna be epic!"

I sweatdropped. "H-Hold on, did I just start the Straw Hat Grand Fleet early…?" I whispered to no one in particular, my head spinning like I was in a hurricane from all the plot twists that had cropped up one after the other.

"Ugh… just… do what you want, Luffy…" groaned Nami in pure defeat. Nojiko consoled her quietly with a small smile, patting her on the back and reassuring her that everything would be fine.

Next to me, Zoro sighed and rubbed the back of his head. "Something tells me this is going to be more trouble than it's worth," he mumbled.

I couldn't help but agree with him. And that was how I _knew_ that shit had truly hit the fan.

* * *

 **Post-Note:** A guest left a review about bloodbending which I wanted to address real quickly. Evan will never bloodbend anyone's blood except his own. As stated in previous chapters, it just seems too _puppet master_ -y to him. So while he did use it on himself in his fight against Fonti in order to move despite being in so much pain that his muscles wouldn't work, he will never actually do it to other people.


	17. Omake: Epic Rap Battles of Fanfiction!

Warm sunlight shone down on a little ram-headed ship, rocking on the waves. The ship was unusually quiet; its entire crew seemed to be below decks. For anyone who knew this ship, that would actually be rather alarming- the Straw Hat Pirates weren't exactly a crew known for being _quiet_.

After a few moments, two figures appeared. From the galley emerged a young man in a leather jacket, while a woman wearing a fedora climbed out of the main hatch. Each carried an animal on their shoulder- the man, a monkey, and the woman, a baby dragon. When the pair saw each other, they froze in confusion. Then the voice of a cheesy announcer rang out over the _Going Merry_.

 **Epic Rap Battles of Fanfiction!**

 **EVAN JOHNSON!**

 **VERSUS!**

 **JOOOOOOONES!**

 **BEGIN!**

Both pirates looked around for a moment for the source of the voice. There was no one to be seen. Shrugging, the young man with the monkey began to speak as he stalked towards his apparent opponent.

 **Evan:**

Welcome, one and all, to the new verbal wars!

It's your favorite neighborhood Water Boy vs the geek with the Force!

Look, you may be able to absorb physical attacks,

But against these sick burns, there ain't no comin' back!

It's true that INT isn't exactly my highest stat,

But when it comes to rapping, that's where my talent's at!

I mean, next to mine, yours is a story nobody knows!

And your greatest achievement is stopping Sanji's bleeding nose!

So just sit back and discuss your rebuttal with your own author

While I stay up here spitting flames that are hotter

Than Ace, on your case for trying to steal Sabo!

Ouch! Looks like for _that_ burn, you're going to need some water!

He ended with a demonstration, his powers calling great globes of water out of the ocean as he raised his hands. Unimpressed, Evan's opponent rolled her eyes and flipped the bird at… something off to one side.

 **Jones:**

You claim to spit flames? You're a kid waterbender.

What? Couldn't find Aang, you Katara pretender?

Beat me in a word fight? You must be insane,

If your flow's like water, just run down the drain.

And sure, I have less in the follows and fame,

I started four months after you made a name.

Yes I speak to my writer, two are better than one,

My force makes me the bomb, you're a little squirt gun.

And oh, by the way, your last rhyme was a fail,

Your poetry's weak and and your rhythm is frail.

You may be water, but you're about to get burnt.

Oops! Should've warned you- spoiler alert!

Jones wasn't as expressive with her hands, but her eyebrows managed to pick up the slack. Evan smirked and clenched his fists, causing the globes of water hovering beside the ship to explode in a shower of salty droplets.

 **Evan:**

I may have water powers, but my raps are _still_ fire!

I'll wash away your rhymes and continue to climb higher!

Katara only wishes she had _half_ the abilities I do.

Welcome to your opening chapter, part two!

Because after you leave this battle, you'll only be depressed,

I've got writing skills so great, 300 people were impressed!

Under the weight of my story, you'll just be compressed,

Until you cry out for your author to help in distress!

Why don't you run away with that baby that you stole from the dragons?

My attention's starting to drift since your verses are draggin'.

When You See my next plot twist, You'll Shit Bricks.

I'll quench any burns you give me with a flick of the wrist!

I only need one of me to write the best story ever told!

But it's okay; after you die here, you'll just go to another world.

A playful breeze whipped up to ruffle Evan's hair and make his jacket flair dramatically. He only got to enjoy it briefly, though, as a couple seconds later a stomp from Jones produced a shockwave that shook the ship.

 **Jones:**

Little boy, don't you know that compression's a force?

I'll absorb it and use it to knock you off course.

Your raps are not fire, your rhythm's still clunky,

But it should be expected; your partner's a monkey,

Yet he still has more skills and more culture than you-

Just hearing your voice would make Shakespeare turn blue!

Three hundred? That's only impressive in Sparta.

You'll need more to fight me, épais de marde.

And I'm not allowed to die, my captain said so,

So I'm afraid that it's your scrawny ass that must go.

You're a glass cannon; I'm a jack-of-trades fighter-

I could still win if I pulled an all-nighter!

So give up; you can't beat this nerd from the north!

No wall can protect you- not even the fourth.

The fedora-wearing pirate folded her arms as she finished her verse, grinning at the young man across from her in a way that was probably meant to be smug, but just came off as deranged. Almost as soon as she was done speaking, however, another figure swung down from the lines. Armour clanked heavily as he landed; when he straightened, the snail on his shoulder started cackling.

 **Soundbite:**

 **Did somebody say** … _FOURTH WALL_?

 **Cross:**

It's the biggest self-insertion since Jesus' birth!

I'm going three thousand strong; what are your silly asses worth?

I've crossed two worlds, many seas, and even more opponents,

And now I'm here to rattle this battle at the last moment!

Let's start with Water Boy! More like doughboy; your whole body's soft.

You got beat up by a fish, and can't even hold tonfa aloft.

The only reason you're well known is for omakes of _my_ story,

So don't think about trying to hog even half of the glory.

 **Soundbite:**

 _And now you there,_ **Miss Jones** , a rip-off of Indiana!

Stop yapping and apologize _LIKE THEY DO BACK_ **in Canada**.

And **POINTING FINGERS AT** others for _being a glass cannon_ ain't cute-

Because _**five chapters in**_ , you HAD TO EAT YOUR OWN Devil Fruit.

 **Cross:**

It's funny how you two both claim to spit the hottest rhymes,

'Specially since the Noise-snail is my partner in crime.

With every single word I utter, I cause the whole world to shake!

Nothing either of you says will travel half as far as my voice makes.

I don't need a second verse; Soundbite and I won in one round!

 **Soundbite:**

'Cause _there's nothing you_ **TWO CAN do against the** _**GOD OF SOUND**_!

 **MIC DROP, BITCHES!**

There was a long, deafening silence after Soundbite finished. Three pirates were left staring at each other in a triangle of aggressive confusion- six, if one counted the animals. After a few minutes, the cheesy announcer's voice rang out of nowhere once again.

 **Who won? Who's next?**

 **YOU DECIDE!**

 **Epic Rap Battles of Fanfiction!**

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you liked this collab omake between Vikingr and I! We worked together to knock out this awesome rap battle for you guys to enjoy. If you don't know who she is, Vikingr is an awesome author who wrote _Twelve Red Lines_ , which is easily right up there with _This Bites!_ as the best SIs. It's a seriously good story. Please do yourself a favor and go check it out whenever you've got free time, if you haven't done so already. It's worth every bit of your attention.

Peace!


	18. Close Encounter of the Bird Kind

**A/N** : Woohoo, next chapter at last! This took a bit longer to write because _goddammit_ , 14.5k words is a real doozy of a chapter. At last, though, it's finally up and running. I'm super pumped to start work on the next chapter after this one, because there's gonna be a _pretty_ major plot twist that I don't recall being in any SI I've seen. You guys can definitely be looking forward to that! Don't forget to support me on if you have any extra cash to fling about - you'll earn yourself some pretty sweet prizes as a result, and it'll be helping me out, too! Real quickly, I'd also like to once again thank EXNativo and The Patient One for their much-enjoyed help in the writing of this story. The Patient One was especially helpful in cleaning up several parts of this chapter that were a little bit _meh._ Now, without further ado, let's jump right in!

Oh, real quick p.s. for this chapter: any dialogue in brackets [] indicates animals speaking in animal languages, which humans wouldn't be able to understand.

* * *

Chapter 15: Close Encounter of the Bird Kind

When all the craziness died down, or at least calmed to a fairly manageable level, Nojiko rounded everyone up (except those Straw Hats currently sleeping, as well as those agents currently knocked out). She marched them all back to the original building they'd partied at, where they reclined into the various couches and chairs to discuss future plans. Vivi, spurred by the recent twist of everyone being in the same boat, explained all the details of her and Igaram's secret infiltration of Baroque Works, as well as everything she'd learned about the criminal organization. Her speedster duck friend, Carue, sat proudly by her side.

"So, are any of you good at navigating?" Nami asked the ex-Baroque Works agents, stepping up to the center of the room. She placed one hand on her hip while pondering them.

The lot of them exchanged glances, then simultaneously shook their heads.

Our redheaded navigator groaned and facepalmed. "An entire fleet of bounty hunters, and not one of you knows how to sail the sea…?"

"I really should be more surprised about this than I am," I deadpanned to Nojiko, "but after seeing a certain crew get tips and tricks on sailing from the captain's grandmother in the original series, I'm sadly not."

Her smile twitched. "Ohh, boy, the future looks so bright…"

On my shoulder, King Kong slumped and sweatdropped. He signed, "My old captain and I once ran across a crew of crossdressers who thought that they could go to some floating island or other by entering a Grand Line tornado."

"…Wow," I said, my vocabulary insufficient to express just how unimpressed that crew made me.

His monkey face was so flat that it told me all I needed to know. "Tell me about it," his hands flashed out alongside a roll of his eyes.

"Alright, I'll need your help, Evan," Nami said after a few moments of ruminating. I looked up, surprised. "You know sign language, right? While we go to Alabasta, I want you to use your water powers to make some hands in front of all these guys' ships, repeating anything I say to do regarding weather and our course. Got it?"

I offered a stiff salute. "Aye-aye, lassie!"

Nami didn't miss a beat. "Go walk the gangplank, scurvy dog." Her attention was then directed back to the agents, who sat up straight. "Alright, you lot, listen up! How many of you have learned sign language?"

Several hands shot up. Carue cawed sadly and hung his head, a sweatdrop running down the side of it. I blinked and looked over to King for a translation.

"He said that it's kind of hard to learn sign language when you only have wings for hands, not that he didn't try," King signed.

I hummed in acknowledgement. "Oh, yep, wings for hands, that'd do it. Not exactly conducive."

"Perfect. Those of you who do, make sure you're spread out among all the boats. You guys won't need more than two larger boats, I should say, and we have…" The redhead quickly counted the raised hands. "About eight people here who can understand sign language. Perfect; let's have two boats, four of you per boat."

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" barked the ex-agents.

She grinned widely, her eyes sparkling with equal parts mirth and greed. " _Ohhhh_ , I can get used to this!" declared Nami, stretching. "Alright, Nojiko, anything you want to add?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact," her sister answered upon being addressed. She stood up and strutted over to her redheaded sibling, her blue hair striking a strangely pleasant contrast with Nami's. Our tactician cracked her fingers. "I have one very important question to ask you all. Has anyone seen a dark-skinned guy with an afro and a girl in a yellow sundress and fishbowl-shaped hat?" Receiving many shakes of the head, Nojiko sighed in relief, while Nami, Luffy, and Zoro tilted their heads in confusion. "Alright, glad that's out of the way for now then. Igaram?"

"Yes?" asked the curly haired blond man. He'd since woken up, and although he'd initially panicked and tried to shoot us up, a hurried explanation from Vivi solved that issue.

"I want you to leave with one of our departing ships. They'll be going after us all, anyway, and it'd be better if we all knew everyone was okay. We'll send a decoy out to make it look like you're going separately; meanwhile, the real you will be hiding away in one of the support ships. Got it?"

He nodded, his colonial wig-length hair bobbing with the motion. "Understood."

"Let's get to work on that decoy, then," I suggested.

" _Quaw!_ " called Carue in agreement, saluting tightly with his right wing. His pudgy face stretched out in what was as close to a grin as he could come.

"Ditto," agreed Nojiko.

The next half hour of the night was spent gathering materials for a decent Igaram decoy. He suggested also adding decoys for everyone else, but I reminded him that there were no fewer than _fifty_ people now on Baroque Works' hit list. It would be kind of impossible to fit that many decoys on one little ship and make it look realistic at the same time. Therefore, we stuck with only sending out a faux Igaram.

Once that was finished, I helped the agents find and load a couple of boats for a journey to last several weeks at sea. And their supplies actually _would_ last several weeks for them, most likely, since _they_ didn't have a ravenous Gum-Gum captain to deal with. The two ships we found were long brigantines, parked in a hidden harbor near the opposite end of town from the river. Each had two enormous masts that rose up into the air proudly, and both had ten oars on either side in case of emergency. The sides of the ships were raised for the purpose of eight cannons protruding out on either side as well. I could imagine Usopp salivating over having so many long-range weapons at our disposal.

"So, do you have names for these ships?" I grunted out to one of the ex-agents as I helped pass crates of cannonballs onto one ship. The man in question, a young man several years older than myself, with a sharp chin, dark hair, and bright yellow eyes, shook his head.

"We never got around to that," he admitted, "since we figured that we'd never really need to leave Whiskey Peak until the final day of the whole operation. Anytime we caught pirates, we'd simply snailphone the Government, and they'd send a ship over with the help of their Eternal Poses."

Nami, who stood several feet up the gangplank, shouting orders on where to put everything, blinked and looked down at us. "Eternal Pose?" she queried, eyes betraying her interest. "Is that like a Log Pose?"

"Yes, actually," the mook replied. He heaved out a burst of air as he passed me another crate of cannonballs, which I sent on down the line; the sheer weight nearly made me drop them, though. "They're a type of Log Pose whose needle never strays from the path of the island to which it is positioned, no matter how long you stand on other islands. It's the only surefire way to be able to find anywhere on the Grand Line again without backtracking to the Red Line and starting all the way over. Find yourself an Eternal Pose, and you can bypass every other island on your way to your destination."

The navigator's eyes shot open. "That's pretty useful. I wonder if Vivi has one for Alabasta…"

My arms strained with the effort of passing another immensely heavy crate to the next person. "Hey, by the way, since neither of these ships actually have an official name, do you guys mind if I name them?"

"I don't see why not," said the dark-haired man with a shrug. He passed me the last crate, and a relieved whine escaped my lips as I handed it up to the next man.

"Sounds good. I'll do some thinking then."

My arms were so freaking sore it was unbelievable. I'd helped lifted things before, of course; I'd once worked for a summer at a family friend's moving company. But cannonballs were just _so damn heavy_ , and a crate of them was absurd. What amazed me the most, however, was that everyone else was just handing them around to each other without hardly breaking a sweat. Hell, on the ship resting in the water several feet from the brigantine whose gangplank I currently stood on, Zoro carried two crates of the damn things with nothing but his _pinkies_. One thing was for sure; if even mooks were lifting these things without batting an eye, I was falling _seriously_ behind everyone else.

Also, Garp throwing cannonballs like it was baseball was suddenly _entirely_ understandable. And _extremely_ concerning.

"We just got the last of them up," Nojiko, walking across the cobblestone pier to us, loudly announced. "Are you guys ready?"

"One second!" someone shouted from the end of our line, from a storage room near the back of a ship. A moment later, there came the sound of something very heavy, presumably the cannonball crate, crashing against the floor, and the entire brigantine shook. The agents within the bowels of the ship all filed back out to the deck.

"Alright, looks like everything's good to go," Nojiko affirmed. On the other ship, Zoro and King Kong strolled down the gangplank to follow the beautiful woman. "Let's wake up Sanji and Usopp and blow this popsicle stand before everything gets even crazier than it already is."

I blinked and scanned everyone present for a straw hat-wearing rubberboy. "Speaking of which, where's Luffy? Has anyone seen him?"

"Not since meeting up in the mess hall," offered Zoro blankly.

I groaned and struck my palm against my face. "Where's that boy off to now…?"

"I'd say wherever the most food is would be a good guess," a suave voice, cool and vaguely familiar, said from behind me. It was calm and orderly, like a mother pointing her children in the right direction, yet at the same time, a hint of warning edged into it.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, of course. How could I have forgotten about his eternal hu…" A bead of sweat rolled down my neck. "Waaaaaait a minute."

I slowly turned around…

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?" roared the present Straw Hats in the direction of the raven-haired, stunning woman in the purple leather shirt and white cowboy hat who reclined casually on the railing of the unnamed ship, and who my back had previously been turned to.

At the same time, screams of terror rose up from the Baroque Works ex-agents.

"M-M-Miss All-Sunday!" came the collective scream.

"QUAAAAW!" screamed a terrified Carue, quivering and dashing behind Vivi, who sighed and rubbed her forehead in response. It was clear why she did so; Carue's hiding served him absolutely no purpose, as his oversized body stuck out like a sore thumb behind Vivi's much thinner frame.

Nami bristled, fear evident in her eyes. "M-Miss All-Sunday? Who's that?"

"Mr. 0's second-hand woman," gulped Vivi, not taking her eyes off of the ninja-like agent. "She's the partner of the very leader of Baroque Works himself."

"Nico Robin," I hissed under my breath, quiet enough that she wouldn't be able to hear it, and my hackles stood on end. Had she wanted to, she could've killed me without any sort of warning. I'd have never known how I'd died, or who'd murdered me. I'd been totally unaware of her presence there, to the point where I almost couldn't believe my eyes, despite the fact that they were quite strongly telling me she was sitting there. …I needed to increase my STEALTH and DETECTION stats, _pronto_.

Almost as one, everybody drew their various weapons—Nojiko pulled out twin pistols from her cleavage, Nami took out her three-quartered staff, Zoro unsheathed his three swords, King Kong, dropped into a fighting stance, and all of the agents aimed a gamut of guns at the suave lady. I was the only one who didn't make any moves toward my own weapons; my hands remained stagnant, poised at my side, but tensed in preparation for any moves Robin might make. She looked at me curiously, her eyebrow raised and lips in a thin, straight line.

"Why are you not trying to attack me like your friends are?" One of her legs crossed over the other as she regarded me. "I could've killed you just now, you know. And I still can, in about two seconds. There'd be nothing you could do to stop me."

"There wouldn't," I agreed nervously. A scared lump caught in my throat, and I tried not to show it. "If you wanted me dead, I wouldn't be talking to you right now. But I am. You didn't try to make any moves. And instead of keeping the element of surprise, you just revealed your presence to everybody here. So, that means that you're not here to hurt any of us, are you?"

Robin studied me with an intense stare. I felt my skin crawl, and my hands twitched, desperately wishing to grab my nunchucks from where they lay hanging on my belt; but I forced my hands to remain still. I didn't want to show the 28-year-old woman any signs of weakness. She was more skilled than me in every single way possible, more capable than me across the entire board. If I made so much as one wrong move, if I made her feel threatened or that I was hostile in any way, that could be it. Game Over. Have a fun afterlife, pray that you don't end up in Hell or Purgatory.

Nami hesitated, glancing at Vivi for confirmation. "Is that right?"

"I… I don't know…" The princess bit her lip. "She's Mr. 0's right-hand man… The only reason we learned his secret at all is because she led us to the information."

Robin's eyes danced with humor as her attention momentarily turned to the young royal. "Ah, so you picked up on that, did you? I suppose my actions weren't as subtle as I imagined them to be. But yes, I did lead you to it. This young man," she said, motioning at me, "is correct. I did not come here to harm any of you. Instead, I come with a warning and with advice."

Carue tilted his head in confusion, poking it out from behind Vivi. "...Quaaaaaw?"

About fifty-five weapons lowered cautiously.

"So then… you're on our side?" asked Nojiko, brow furrowing as she tried to understand.

The raven-haired beauty chuckled. "No, no, nothing like that. I hold no love for any of you. I'm simply not _against_ you all. In any case, heed what I say. Continue on your current path to Alabasta, and you will run into high-ranking Baroque Works agents who will not be as forgiving or understanding as I am. They _will_ try to capture or kill you, and you will not have an easy time fighting them. Besides that, I hear the next island is particularly rough territory. I've never had the pleasure to visit it myself, but the stories I've read about it…" Her head tilted as she crossed her arms. "Well, let's just say that it will be a miracle if you manage to leave it in time to stop your precious country's rebellion, princess."

"Did you come here just to tell me my dream is impossible!?" cried Vivi, fists clenching around her peacock slashers as she glared harshly at the older woman.

"No. Instead, I came to offer you a path to make it… considerably more possible."

Shock fell over the agents, who muttered variously amongst themselves in confusion.

King Kong narrowed his eyes. "…What do you mean, lady?" he signed, hopping up on my shoulder. I opened my mouth to translate on reflex, but Robin held up a hand to stop me.

"No need to repeat his words," she said calmly. "I understood him just fine. I must admit, though, that I _am_ a little surprised that a monkey knows sign language…" King preened at the attention, prompting an eyeroll from me. "In any case, I'd like to offer you this Eternal Pose." She dug into a pocket and pulled from it a kind of turquoise snow globe with a Log Pose needle suspended inside, the whole thing trapped in a wooden cage vaguely reminiscent of an hourglass case. Some words I couldn't make out because of the object's orientation were carved into the base. "It leads to an island near Alabasta that will have you bypassing Little Garden. Take it, and you will avoid both officer agents and Little Garden's troubles; I can assure you of the veracity of both points."

Nojiko, the closest non-agent to her, hesitated, her hand twitching. "…Why would you be willing to do this?" she asked cautiously.

"Ahh… I think I understand what's going on here," I said, drawing everyone's attention. I mean, I knew it already, but this was the excuse I needed to put the pieces together.

"Hmm? What was that?" Robin asked, turning her amused glance on me.

I chose my words carefully, though doing so was made much harder with her cold gaze turned on me. Damn it Robin, warm the fuck up already! Your long-awaited friends are waiting right here for you! "On one hand," I began, swallowing down my nerves, "you're working alongside Crocodile, and I assume you're extremely good at it. Vivi here mentioned that you're the second-in-command of Baroque Works… one doesn't get to be a Warlord's partner in crime—" (Ha! Literally!) "—through money and status. On the other hand, you handed the key to diffusing the entire organization to the person who has the best chance and the most motivation to use it, and you're not stopping her. Furthermore, you said you're neither for us nor against us…"

Robin's smile faded, and her eyes narrowed a bit. "And what does that have to do with anything?" she said icily, just _testing_ me to take that last step. Her stare was so calculating that I swear her features sharpened and Japanese kanji floated through the air in front of her. Maybe I was just too much of an anime nerd, though.

Every cell in my voice box screamed _ohshitohshitohshitohshit!_ Hands clammy with a cold sweat, I brushed them off idly against my pants, swallowed a lump in my throat, and met her challenge.

"If you were really invested in Baroque Works," I began, keeping as even a stare with her as I could, "you'd have killed me on the spot. You'd have no reason to be 'neither for us, nor against us;' you'd be entirely hostile. And yet you didn't lift a single _finger_. So, _why_!?" Starting to get really into it now, I found myself swiping my finger to point directly at Robin, who actually flinched. It was a small one, mind you, but it still surprised me that I'd drawn any sort of reaction from her. "Why didn't you simply off the enemy when you had the chance!? Why did you give us advice about our path!? Why did you lead Vivi to the information that could derail your organization's entire plans!? I'll tell you why," I said, turning to the rest of the crowd with a grandiose sweep of my hands. "It's because… _you're neither for, nor against Crocodile, either,_ Miss All-Sunday! Actually… I'd say you're more against than for!"

I panted lightly; I'd been kind of going at that whole thing in one breath. I tended to get really into my theatrics, as probably anyone who had attended my school's spring musicals could attest to.

All present looked at Robin in a new light, perhaps most notably Vivi; there was still indignation and anger in her expression, but there was contemplation as well. Robin, on the other hand, seemed to have lost whatever amusement she had left.

"It would appear that I have said too much," she said with an extremely testy glare, and I gulped an enormous ball of fear down. "Even if what you claim is correct, I was sincere about the dangers ahead; going to Little Garden offers you only death, but if you take the route this Eternal Pose points to… you will have at least some chance of survival."

Nojiko, Nami, and I exchanged glances. I then looked to my shoulder where King still made his perch, looking very intrigued by all of this development. "You want to do the honors, bud?" I asked with a nervous grin.

He blinked in response. I tilted my head toward Robin's Eternal Pose, and his eyes widened, presumably in understanding. " _Hell_ yes," he signed, something akin to an eager grin pulling his lips up, and a second later, a flying, rabid monkey was attacking a not-so-stoic Nico Robin. Before she could react, King's hand crashed through the Eternal Pose, shattering it into completely unfixable pieces. He landed before her feet, then immediately hopped back onto my shoulder, grinning like a madman. Er… mad-monkey?

For several absolutely _glorious_ seconds, Robin sat stock-still, staring unbelievingly at the shattered Eternal Pose still held in her hand. Everyone else had much the same reaction, although far more expressive, so much so that their jaws were touching the floor. And no, that was not a hyperbole; around fifty-five jaws were _literally_ touching the floor. I raised my eyebrow at those biology-breaking shenanigans, but decided it wasn't worth the wasted brain cells thinking about it, and to instead continue basking in the absolute hilarity of the situation.

At least, for as long as it took for Nami to snap out of her stupor and slam her fist into my face.

 _Women's wrath indeed_ , I thought balefully as I fell to the ground from the force, and King dropped off my shoulder with a yelp.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!" Nami cried, tears streaming from her face. "YOU SAID SHE WAS A GOOD GUY!"

…Okay. Maaaaaybe I wasn't quite so good at reading people's thoughts from their expressions as I might like to think.

"First of all," I groaned through a mouthful of wooden gangplank, before finally picking myself up, "because it was a piece of crap."

"What? It looked perfectly functional to me," Vivi said in confusion.

"No, not the Eternal Pose," I groaned, rolling my eyes. "I meant the _island,_ Vivi; the 'land' that that pose was pointing to is a mound of sea king feces."

"Huh? How do you kno—"

"SECOND OF ALL!" I said quickly before I would have to answer any awkward questions for people who didn't need to be privy to certain things, "Luffy's not around right now. Hell if I know _where_ that guy decided to go off to, but going off the given path ain't up for us to decide. Third of all…" I gave the other Straw Hats present a flat stare. "Off-canon."

Immediately, three equally flat faces told me all that I needed to know that they were in complete agreement with my decision.

"I'm not quite sure what you mean by that," said Robin softly, narrowing her eyes at me.

"You don't _want_ to know," we deadpanned in unison.

"Sometimes I wish my Devil Fruit didn't give me a much better than average memory…" King Kong signed, his posture slumping as a sweatdrop rolled down his head.

Robin actually raised her eyebrow at that, but the annoyance was soon back. She stuffed the crushed pieces of Eternal Pose back in her pocket and began to sweep haughtily away to the back of the unnamed brigantine. "In any case, it appears that my help goes unwanted here. Therefore, I have no further business here. Good night, good luck, and don't say I didn't warn you." She stepped up on the railing, causing the agents to stare in confusion. However, with a blink, I realized she was going to jump up onto that weird turtle thing that carried her everywhere back then. Uh… back now? Damn, thinking in terms of canon time and current time was confusing.

"Hold on just a second!" I barked hurriedly. Robin paused, and turned a dangerous eye my way. I shivered and backed a step up, but this was my only chance to sow a seed of favor with Robin before the Alabastan Revolution. I had to risk it. Steeling my nerves, I took a deep breath and said, "Before you go, I want you to answer one question for me."

"I have no intention of disclosing my motivations, nor any further information," she said dismissively.

"No, nothing like that," I assured her quickly. "I was just wondering why you're having such a hard time choosing between the two sides. Given what's happened tonight, the solution is obvious to me."

"Really, now?" Robin turned to look me straight in the eyes, a calculating frown on her face. "How do you reason that?"

"Because in the end, all you have to do is weigh the strongest fighters on both sides, and determine which one you think will win. As for me, I'd say it's looking pretty tipped here, given our crew's various powers and strengths, and we clearly destroyed the frontier agents here in battle. So, in your professional opinion, who has the better chance of victory here? The group led by a Warlord with too much sand up his ass… or the storm that a D. is bringing?"

Robin visibly froze, enough that there was no way she could pass it off. It lasted only a second or two, but even so, it was still an easily noticeable crack in her façade. When she regained her composure, her eyes narrowed dangerously at me, and I realized too late that that question had given away that I knew who she was.

"Who are you?" she growled.

I gulped again, but I steeled myself and looked her in the eye.

"Does that matter?"

She opened her mouth to respond, but closed it just as quickly. She studied me for a few moments longer, perhaps thinking through her words.

"…Considering what you've shown thus far, I suppose not. Let me ask more precisely, then: whose side are _you_ on?"

I genuinely scoffed; coming from Robin, of all people, that wasn't exactly a bright thing to ask. "That's a silly question and you know it. I'm on Luffy's side, meaning that I'm also on the side of anyone who's a friend of Luffy or my crewmates." I locked eyes with her, hesitating, but I decided to risk it. "And whether or not you believe me, as long as you're not against us, I'm on your side, too."

Robin stared in my eyes for the longest time, looking for any hint of deception. Then she scanned over the deck; in my peripheral vision, I saw Vivi and Carue looking at her neutrally, the crew looking at her with mixtures of curiosity and caution, and everyone else just looking lost or shocked.

Finally, Miss All Sunday turned her back on us.

"If you wish to be victorious, you will need to survive the dangers of Little Garden, defeat any forces that Baroque Works musters against you, and make it back to Alabasta no fewer than two days before the rebellion comes to a head. You have no chance of defeating Crocodile, one way or the other, if you can't manage that," she said quietly. "You have certainly given me at least something to think about, and I shall come to a decision should you Straw Hats arrive safely at Alabasta."

She stepped onto the railing, preparing to jump onto her chauffeur turtle below. She paused again, however, and turned back one last time, her gaze falling upon Vivi.

"Also, I'd recommend avoiding getting yourself killed, Princess. I will not risk turning a Warlord's anger upon me for the sake of a martyr." Under her breath, so softly I almost didn't pick it up, I heard her add, "Not when there's so much on the line for me."

As the entire crowd held its breath, Robin jumped off of the ship. Several moments passed, and then we all heard the sounds of soft splashing as a giant turtle rounded the side of the ship and sped off into the black horizon. I didn't allow myself to relax until I could no longer point her or her ride out from the rest of the night. When I did, I let out an enormous breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and dropped to my knees on the gangplank, propping myself up with my hands out in front of me.

" _Good fucking LORD_ , that was way too intense for my heart," I gulped, sweating swimming pools.

King Kong strode up to me and looked me in the face with something between awe and _you're a fucking moron_. "I'm torn between whether to be impressed or slap you upside the face," he signed, his face falling into a completely flat deadpan.

"Well, excuse me, princess!" I griped.

Vivi stiffened. "What!? What did I say!?"

I facepalmed. "No, not you, Vivi, it was just an…" I groaned, stood up, yawned, and turned tail to head down the gangplank. "You know what, fuck this. I'm too tired and too stressed to bother explaining. I'm gonna go… not to bed, but probably to stare up at the boy's cabin's ceiling _wishing_ I was going to bed. Miss All-Sunday was right, earlier, by the way, check wherever has the most food; that's where Luffy's at. I'll bet a hundred thousand belli on it."

As I stumbled blearily down the gangplank, I heard Nami mutter behind me, "Y'know, Nojiko, it's sad that that's so sensible, even I don't wanna take him on…"

And throughout that whole night, no one on the island except Robin had seen the man o'war with the bird figurehead waiting patiently miles offshore, much less the grey cockatoo keeping a pair of binoculars trained on the _Going Merry_.

~o~

 **Three hours later**

…

…

…

"FUCK!" I groaned, rocking my hammock in pure frustration. " _INSOMNIAAAAAA_!"

~o~

 **Four hours later**

I woke up to the sound of Nami griping and moaning about something or other involving Luffy. This was less uncommon than you'd think, as Luffy was always getting into some trouble or other. I swear, that boy was like a gigantic magnet for the stuff. I lay on my hammock groggily for a few seconds, not sure whether I should be surprised I actually got to sleep at all or that I woke up at all. I'd kind of expected to sleep for a week with how fucking _stressed_ last night had gotten me. Seriously, Robin _needed_ a Snickers. Like, it was probably a life-or-death matter at this point.

That's _my_ life or death, in case you were wondering.

I laid in my hammock for several more minutes, squeezing my eyes shut and wishing I was one of those people who could just nap anytime. They say fate is a cruel mistress, but those bitches knew _nothing_ about insomnia. The sound of Nami going off on a tirade filled my ears, and I rolled over in my hammock and groaned pitifully. At last though, I came to accept my loss of precious sleep and rolled out to the floor. I stumbled across to the door, opened it, and blinked blearily as bright sunlight burnt away the flickering shadows in the cabin. Raising a hand to shield my eyes, they slowly adjusted to the morning light, and I staggered out the door to see Nami nearly strangling Luffy on the deck of the _Merry_ as we sailed across the choppy waters of the Grand Line.

" _YOU COST ME A HUNDRED THOUSAND BELLI, YOU DIMWIT!_ " the redhead roared, tears pouring out of her eyes as she shook the baleful captain roughly, his head bouncing back and forth like a bobblehead. " _WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST HAVE HAD THE DECENCY TO BE HUNGRY THE_ ONE _TIME IT COULD HAVE_ ACTUALLY _MADE ME MONEY!?_ "

My jaw slackened. "W-whaaa… Nami's mad because Luffy _wasn't_ hungry?" Completely flabbergasted, my tired brain tried to comprehend what my ears were hearing. "Uh… have I stepped into another alternate dimension, or am I missing something here?"

Nojiko, who must have been watering Bell-mére's tangerines, jumped down beside me and snorted. "Good morning, Evan. Turns out that Luffy _didn't_ actually go to wherever the most food was; he'd just decided he was tired and fell asleep back in Whiskey Peak's mess hall."

I furrowed my brow. "Why would that make her ma…?" I blinked, and just as I started to ask it, I remembered that I'd said I'd bet a hundred thousand bellis that he'd be with the food. "Ohhh. _Ohhhhhhh_. Never mind."

Boy, had I dodged a bullet there. Thank _God_ Nami hadn't actually taken the bet.

"So, anyway," I continued, yawning and heading to the kitchen on the trail of a delicious smell wafting through the air, "what's happened while I was asleep?"

Nojiko shrugged, following me. "Nothing too important. We left Whiskey Peak without any further trouble. Those two brigantines are following behind us, and Vivi decided to ride on the _Going Merry_ with us. Obviously, her Super Sonic Duck adamantly refused to leave her side, so he came aboard, too. She's been helping me care for the tangerines and keep Luffy away from them. Zoro and Carue have been napping, and King Kong started a game of tag with Usopp. The sea's been fairly quiet, save for some random, minute-long flash storms here and there. We've made pretty good sailing time, all things considered."

I hummed as we opened the kitchen door and stepped in. "Sounds great." My eyes fell on Sanji's back. The chef was bustling about the kitchen, grabbing various breakfast foods like eggs and ham. He also seemed to be whipping up a nice, fruit-filled bowl of yogurt. My stomach rumbled as the delectable aroma of frying bacon permeated the air. "Mmm, that smells _good_."

The blond man looked up and back at us at the sound of our entry. "Ah, good morning Evan and Nojiko-swan."

The blue-haired girl rolled her eyes at the pet name, but smiled warmly. "Good morning, Sanji. When should breakfast be ready?"

"In a few minutes," he replied. He turned back to the counter and went to work at cracking eggs and dumping the yolks into a large metal bowl. "The bacon and ham nearly ready, so all that's left is to cook the eggs and the hashbrowns and distribute the yogurt."

"I cannot _wait_ ," I told him wholeheartedly. I turned to go outside, but paused before my hand reached the still-open door. "Hey, you need any help? I used to help my mom make breakfast sometimes back home, so I at least know what I'm doing with that."

Sanji waved dismissively without looking back. "No, don't worry about it. I've got everything under control. You guys just sit tight for a few moments while I finish things up. You can help wash dishes after everything's eaten, though; I bet it would get done a whole lot quicker with your powers."

I wilted as I stepped back outside. "Of course that's what you have me do…" I groaned.

Nojiko giggled. "Beggars can't be choosers, eh?"

"Shut up," I said without any real bite to it.

It was at that moment that Usopp's voice bellowed from somewhere above me. "LOOK OUT BE—" _SLAM!_ A soft body slammed into my back without time for me to prepare or even see what was happening, and I crumpled painfully to the deck. "…LOW?"

"Owwww…" I groaned. I tried to push myself up, but Usopp was surprisingly heavy, and my arms just simply gave out, putting me right back at square one: more strength training necessary, more strength training very unwanted. "What could _possibly_ have driven you to jump on me, Usopp?"

"Um, in my defense, I didn't aim at you!" he said quickly, scrambling off of me and hurrying to the fo'csle. Now that he was gone, I was actually able to pick myself up. "I was trying to run from King Kong and you just happened to step in the way." He disappeared through a door to the lower parts of the ship, closing it behind him.

"Okay, I see how it is," I started to grumble, but before I could get anywhere with it—

 _THUMP!_ A soft monkey body slammed into my hand, causing it to jerk forward, and I groaned as I brushed King aside.

"Okay, really!?" I cried.

"You're it!" signed King in midair as he leaped away and followed Usopp's trail. Well, 10/10 for midair sign language, I suppose.

My eyes blazed. "Oh, you are _on_ ," I hissed with an evil grin, and took off after the two. I skipped taking the steps down to the main deck entirely and vaulted over the railing instead, landing lightly and just narrowly missing tagging King back. Hey, no one ever said no tag-backs!

Nojiko rolled her eyes. "Kids," she said flatly to nobody in particular as she returned to watering her and Nami's tangerines.

"I'M EIGHTEEN!" I hollered as I ducked into _Going Merry_ 's bowels.

The game of tag stretched on until breakfast was ready, at which point we paused it in order to chow down on Sanji's delicious grub. The eggs were creamy and perfectly warm, the bacon mouth-wateringly juicy. I didn't exactly have the best of noses due to being eternally cursed with allergies, meaning that it was usually a bit stuffy, but even I could smell the absolutely wonderful aroma of the bacon and of the ham. The meal itself was scrumptious, but the act of eating it was made rather annoying by the fact that, as usual, Luffy was unable to keep his hands to himself. I commonly found myself about to take a bite of the meal, only to chomp down on an empty fork as Luffy's stretchy arms snatched a strip of bacon away at the last moment. Carue was the only one lucky enough to escape having him steal his food, as he wasn't sitting at the table, but eating from a food dish on the floor and against the wall.

I hadn't yet gained fast enough reflexes to dodge Luffy's attempts to steal my food, but I was getting… somewhat better. At the very least, I had at last trained my eyes to actually see his hand coming. The hard part was moving my body quicker than his hand, and I hadn't yet achieved that part. It was very aggravating, in all honesty, and made every meal that much more difficult. The only reason I wasn't putting my foot down and whapping Luffy with the seastone-ish parts of my Drunken Iron nunchucks was because I knew the whole ordeal was actually training my reflexes. Thinking about that, I frowned and tilted my head in consideration as I chewed some eggs. If I tried to eat meals with my eyes closed, I might actually be able to train my Observation Haki a little bit. Vivi, on the other hand, seemed to be entirely put off by Luffy's bad table manners.

"Um," she said, eye twitching, "are… all you guys' meals like this? Because I am _not_ going to just sit by and do nothing while Luffy takes all of my food. I have a fork and a knife in very close reach, and I _do_ know how to use them."

"QUAAAW!" declared Carue, casting a stern glare at Luffy, beak full of food.

Luffy sweatdropped. "Scary… Sorry, Vivi…"

"Eh, it's alright," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "He always acts like this, Vivi. It's… a sort of training exercise for us, in a way."

Across the table from me, Nami blinked and paused just before taking a bite of breakfast. "…Huh, I never thought of it like that… And my reflexes _have_ gotten better since Orange Town…"

"I see," Vivi huffed, quelled but clearly still unimpressed. "Well, alright, just try to avoid my plate, alright, Luffy?"

"Sure thing, Vivi!" our captain said brightly, and promptly went back to stretching his hands to everyone's plates except hers.

Thinking of Haki and reflexes, though, did I actually have any Haki at all? Due to being born in an entirely different world than everyone else here, it might be very possible that I was currently the only person in the entire Blue Seas world unable to learn Haki. On the other hand, while the All-Seeing Author was a sarcastic little shit to the core, he wasn't altogether unfair. He _had_ helped me out from time to time along the journey thus far, so if I'd been born unable to use Haki, he could very well have performed some divine tweaking to change that when he brought me over. And on top of that, it was _also_ possible that the moment my body had entered the Blue Sea world, it gained the ability to use Haki.

All in all, while I was unsure of whether I had Haki, I was definitely leaning more towards the positive side of the argument. I supposed that the only way to know for sure, though, was to actually test it out.

Nodding to myself, I took another few pieces of bacon from the large plate in the center of the table which Sanji had used to bring out the food. We'd all taken what we believed we could eat from it, and whenever it was empty, he'd go back and get more until there was no more breakfast left. I put them on my plate, then selected one piece and closed my eyes. I brought it up to my mouth, trying to strain my senses and mentally "see" what Luffy would try to do.

After all, even if I didn't yet have the reflexes to dodge fast attacks, having the ability to foresee them would be better than not having it. There was always the possibility I could get lucky somehow if I knew where an attack was coming from.

Unfortunately, no dice. I opened my mouth to bite down on my bacon strip, only for my teeth to nearly crush my fingers instead. My fingers howled in mutiny as I jerked them away from my teeth quickly, cursing under my breath. I hadn't had any idea when Luffy had attempted and succeeded to snatch away the bacon strip. It discouraged me a little, but I sighed and took a deep breath. Even Luffy hadn't successfully used Haki without a LOT of practice in canon. It wasn't something that came natural; I would just have to keep trying until I got it down.

Assuming I had it at all, of course.

Therefore, the rest of my meal was spent with my eyes closed as the others discussed loudly their plans for the day, or things that they'd read in the newspaper, or what they didn't like about the World Government. I mostly blocked them all out, however, trying to center my focus on my hand and on Luffy's hand. It was extremely hard to do so, however, since I didn't even know _where_ Luffy's hand was in the first place, and because every time someone spoke up particularly loud, my attention unintentionally shifted towards what they were saying.

This was one of the reasons why I hadn't done so well in school, actually; while I'd been ranked as being Gifted in terms of intelligence and IQ, and had been in Excel all throughout Elementary and Junior High, my grades had suffered due to being unable to focus on the teacher. If people happened to be having their own quiet conversations in the back of the room, for example, my brain would pick it up and focus on whatever they were saying, and I would miss out on whatever the teacher was saying at that time. It made learning very annoying, because although I would pick up and remember some things, the slightest words from another classmate could cause my brain to skip out on whatever tied the lesson together.

Anyway, all this to say, I had a very tough time trying to predict Luffy's movements, especially once I'd closed my eyes. That meal didn't go very well for me, and I finished it disgruntled. King Kong and Usopp tried to get me to continue their game of tag with them, but I _had_ promised Sanji that I would help him wash dishes, so I had to turn them down. They were pretty disappointed, but I didn't like turning back on my word. Even if it _was_ giving me extra chores. Therefore, as everyone returned to whatever they'd been doing before breakfast, I followed Sanji back to the kitchen to help clean up.

Luckily, because we'd only eaten eggs, bacon, ham, and hash browns, washing the dishes wasn't altogether difficult. It went pretty quickly, especially since I was able to clean multiple plates and pieces of silverware at once thanks to my ability to control water. Basically, the only thing I had to do was get the plates all soapy, then my water did the rest.

"Alright," I grunted as I sat the last cleaned plate down in the basket with the others to dry. "That's the last of 'em, Sanji."

"Hey, thanks," he said with a smile as I retreated outside. Then he paused and gave me a strange look. "Hold up, Evan. Can I talk with you a moment?"  
I blinked and looked back. "Yeah, sure, what is it?"

"I've seen how you've been looking at Nojiko the past couple days."

I froze, my face hottening. "I… don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, come on, I know better than anyone how a guy looks when he thinks a girl's beautiful," Sanji deadpanned. I facepalmed as I recalled his canon reaction to the Mermaid Princess. Okay, he had a point. "Look," he continued seriously, "if you want to go after her, I ain't gonna stop you. I doubt she's aware of your feelings, and that she returns them, but I ain't gonna keep you from going after her."

"I don't like her!" I protested.

"Yeah, sure, and Luffy doesn't like meat."

My eye twitched, but I didn't have a good comeback for that. "Is there anything else you wanted to say?"

"Yeah." Sanji gave me an even stare that was somehow scarier than if he'd glared at me with blazing eyes, like how he'd looked in the original show when he'd been told about Absalom's perviness. "I want you to know that if you two do end up becoming an item, and you hurt her in any way, you're a dead man. And don't even _try_ to find any pairs of glasses or any small children to hide behind, because I _will_ kick through all of them. You hear me? _All_. _Of. Them._ "

It was like I'd taken the Ice Bucket Challenge in Antarctica. Shivering, I nodded quickly, and a very large sweatdrop rolled down the back of my head. "U-Understood. But…" I cast my eyes down to the floor, embarrassed. "You don't have to worry about that. Not anytime soon, at least. I'm not gonna try to go after her. I've already been shot down once when I was younger, and it really messed me up for a while, and I'd really rather not repeat that. Even if I _did_ like Nojiko… like that, I wouldn't try to ask her out or anything unless I was sure she likes me back."

"You're such a wimp," huffed Sanji. He folded his arms and rolled his eyes. "Just ask her out."

"I may be a wimp, but I also don't like hurting myself unnecessarily," I said firmly, "and that's the end of that."

The blond chef sighed and shrugged. "Suit yourself."

I stepped out of the kitchen, closing the door behind me as I went, and the moment I looked out to the port side of the ship, I immediately saw the man o'war no less than twenty feet away. It was pretty massive; I judged it to be twice as long as the _Going Merry_ , and much taller. It sported black sails with a skull-and-crossbones that sported what looked like pelican or seagull wings—a pirate crew. The figurehead was that of a seagull, with white, wooden wings spread widely across the sea. I couldn't see anybody on it. Vivi and the other Straw Hats, save for Usopp and King Kong, were all gathered on the _Merry_ 's railing, staring tensely out at the enemy ship, and I blinked. I thought there hadn't been any attacks between Whiskey Peak and Little Garden. Shrugging to myself, I decided to find out what was going on.

Nami turned to me, frowning. "Oh, hey, Evan. Can you tell our… friends back there to drop anchor?" There's a bit of a reef beneath us, so they should be able to stop easily."

"Sure," I said, and turned to the two brigantines behind us. Focusing on the water in front of them, I summoned two watery hands from the surface and quickly signed some orders to them. A second later, they were dropping anchor and halting in motion.

I walked up to Luffy and tapped him on the shoulder. "Oi, who're those bastards, and why are we all stopping?"

"Dunno," he said with a shrug. "They just showed up while you and Sanji were cleaning up. They haven't tried anything yet, though, so it's not a big deal." I blinked in understanding. Ahhh, that must've been why they hadn't called out to Sanji and I or King Kong and Usopp to come out and join them.

"We're making sure that they're not trying to attack us or anything," Zoro said with a feral grin, drumming his fingers against the pommels of his three blades like he very much wanted them to try.

As we stared in mild confusion at the nearby pirate ship, a cockatoo flew up from what must've been the deck, and perched on the railing, spreading its wings wide. It opened its beak, and to my shock, a voice rumbled out across the sea loudly—and a very familiar voice, too.

"Pirates!" said the grey, big-bellied bird, and my eye twitched as the smooth, condescending voice of Jemaine Clement rolled over the waves. "We have been following you and were planning to attack at the midnight hour. Because it's more evil! Sadly, though, certain… blue macaws ate up all of our supplies, and so now we are forced to be… less evil."

Carue stared dumbly at the newcomer, beak opening silently for a moment or two, before a very confused " _Quaaaaaaaaw_?" escaped.

My eye twitched. "Okay, who the _fuck_ is responsible for Nigel the Evil Cockatoo attacking us? And _HOW IS A BIRD SPEAKING!?_ "

Nami blinked. "Evan, you know these guys?"

"Long story," I grumbled, my eye twitching furiously, "but I can assure that the source material that they came from was _not_ you guys' story."

"If you must know," drawled Jemaine Cleme—I mean, Nigel, "cockatoos naturally have the ability to repeat human language. Due to my old dream of being a worldwide theatre sensation, however, I strived higher than any other cockatoo in history, and learned how to not only repeat language, but speak my own mind. And as for who is responsible for me attacking you, well—"

King Kong and Usopp chose that moment to burst out of the innards of the ship, the former hot on the heels of the later. The vervet monkey happened to spot Nigel's ship, though, and he froze upon doing so. The next second, the most hateful glare I'd seen him wear crossed his face, and he leaped up to perch on my shoulder, his monkey eyes blazing. " _NIGEL!?_ " he signed furiously, shaking his monkey paw at them. _"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!? I THOUGHT WE SANK YOUR SHIP AGES AGO!"_

"Ahhh, speak of the devil and he shall appear,"quoted the cockatoo dryly. He ruffled his feathers importantly. "How _are_ you doing, you filthy, featherless fowl? I have ever so missed our little bouts since the Marines broke up your precious crew. And, pray tell, how _have_ you learned sign language? I always assumed you had the brains of a monkey. Oh, wait! You do!"

Carue stamped his foot angrily. "Quaaw, quaaw!"

"Whoa, low blow," gasped Vivi, staring in shock. "That… that was just uncalled for."

King's eye twitched _furiously_ even as I winced at the pure savagery. He growled and bared his fangs, stamped his foot, and signed, _"You… fucking… BASTARD!"_

"Uhh…." Usopp froze as he looked at the pirate bird. "Is that a talking cockatoo who's also a pirate? And… do you know him, King?"

The poor monkey looked like steam was liable to come out of his ears at any given moment. "Unfortunately," he signed while I translated. "Back before the Marines broke up my crew and scattered us across the globe, the Party Pooper Pirates and my crew used to be rivals. We always got into annoying little tussles."

Luffy blinked and tilted his head. "Like the mushroom?"

"Those are truffles," deadpanned Nojiko.

"Like the sprout?"

Zoro sighed. "Those are Brussels."

" _Quaaaaaw_ ," groaned Carue tiredly, staring at Luffy like _are you serious_.

"Okay, that joke isn't even from the same source material," I growled, facepalming. "In any case, my question still stands. _WHY ARE THEY ATTACKING US!?_ "

"Ah, well, that's a very simple answer!" replied Nigel, shrugging. "You see, we happened to hear through the grapevine that a certain white-furred rat-bastard who ruined my show business so many years ago was freed and joined another pirate crew." His gaze turned to King Kong. "I guessed that, naturally, you'd attempt to return to the Grand Line to find your friends, and decided to pay you a little… visit. We stole an Eternal Pose to the Twin Capes, and have been on your tail ever since you arrived at Whiskey Peak."

"So, wild guess: you're here for revenge?" Nojiko asked, unimpressed.

He clapped… or, tried to, at least, but no sound came out due to only having feathers and wings for hands. "Applaud, everyone, applaud sarcastically. She got it in one go!"

"Everyone?" I said, blinking, but I didn't have time to question it further, because at that moment, an entire flock of birds of all shapes, sizes, and colors flapped up onto the railing from… somewhere, and promptly clapped soundlessly. I sweatdropped. Just where had they been before this? Had they all been waiting out of view behind the lip of the railing, just for a moment like this? …Actually, scratch that. This was _One Piece_ ; of _course_ they were.

"Oh, look, it's an infestation," observed King Kong, his hands flashing out the words.

Usopp stared flatly at the birds. "They are aware that their clapping isn't actually making any sound, right?"

"Give them a moment," I said, equally emotionlessly.

Two seconds later, Nigel blinked and then facepalmed. "Wait, right, I realize that wasn't very effective. You all can… stop that now. Ahem. In any case, crew! Attack!"

A loud din of caws and angry bird song rose up into the air, and several of the Party Pooper Pirates worked together to hoist the anchor back onto their man o'war. I stared in vast jealousy and annoyance; even _birds_ were stronger than me in this world! What the hell, All-Seeing Author!? You seriously couldn't have given me at least average strength? While I was cursing my bad luck, the other Straw Hats all started to pull out their various weapons, and the man o'war turned to start making its way turned towards us. However, before we could make any moves, King Kong hopped off of my shoulder and onto the railing. He lifted up his paws in the universal _stop_ , and then proceeded to do some quick sign language.

"Leave this to me, guys. These guys bugged my crew and me for far too long way back when, and I have had it about up to here with them. I'm confident I can take them all on myself, even Nigel. I just need a way over to their ship."

I thought for a moment. "Hmm… Sanji could kick you over." I looked back at the kitchen and rose my voice. "HEY, SANJI, CAN YOU COME OUT FOR A FEW SECONDS?"

A moment later, Sanji poked his head out the doorway with a frown. "What is iiiiiiit _whythehellarepiratebirdsattackingus_. …And why the hell did I just have to say that in all seriousness."

"We'll tell you later. Can you kick King Kong over to their ship real quick?"

"Uh… you know what, not even going to ask," he deadpanned. "Sure."

He joined our little group by the railing, and we all made some room for him so that he wouldn't have to worry about accidentally striking one of us. He then bent his foot and lifted it in the air. King Kong hopped on his leg and made himself stable.

"Alright, I'm ready," the vervet monkey signed as the enemy ship drew steadily closer.

"Brace yourself," warned Sanji. He glanced over to the man o'war with the seagull figurehead, narrowed his eyes, and tensed his muscles. "Alright, now Haplorhine Power Shoot!"

One lightning-fast swipe of his leg later, King Kong flew through the air, his fur pressing down with the force of the wind rushing past him. It didn't take him very long to cross the distance; only about three or four seconds passed before he'd made it to his destination. Just before landing, he curled his body and performed a perfect 4 front flips, then landed smoothly on his feet. The wood of the other ship's deck crunched downwards a little upon his landing, and we Straw Hats clapped like an audience at a theatre. After thinking a bit, I summoned some water from the surface of the sea, and formed it into a large, blue 10.

The sound of some guitar strings strumming floated through the air as King Kong unbent his knees. The bird pirates squawked in surprise, turning one by one to face him, and unleashing weapons which they were somehow utilizing their claws to carry. Only Nigel himself and a few others didn't carry anything; the rest all had various guns, swords, and cutlasses. King Kong slowly rose to a full stand, his tail flicking back and forth as synth accompanied the guitar strings, followed by a wolf howl. I nodded my head in acceptance and more than a little approval at the choice in music. "Hmm, _Caffeine_. Good taste, nice battle tune. Comes from an epic show, too."

Vivi frowned at me. "Uh, what are you talking about? What tune? I don't hear anything."

…Huh. So, I'm apparently crazy now. Good to know.

~o~

As King straightened up and cracked his knuckles, the first of the birds finally decided to make his move. The feathery idiot, a brightly colored parrot, swept quickly through the air, wings outstretched and claws at the ready. A cutlass dangled in them, but this bothered my monkey partner not one bit. He looked blandly at it, and growled, [Haplorhini Whip!] The bird only had time to blink; every animal could understand all other animals, and the name of that move caused it to be a little bit nervous. Even so, the parrot continued on its direct path, jetting through the air at breakneck speeds… only for King Kong to twist himself around and lash out with his tail. The long, furry appendage wrapped tightly around his surprised opponent's leg. King then yanked it out of its path, swinging it roughly through the air and tossing it unceremoniously into two of its equally surprised friends. All three crumpled to the ground with several squawks, unmoving.

[Heh, killed two birds with one bird,] King grunted, pleased. Then he blinked and tilted his head. [Wait, that doesn't sound like the right expression. Oh well, whatever.]

Many of the birds blinked audibly and hesitated. Nigel's eye twitched, and he stomped angrily on the railing.

"Well, why don't we all just stand around waiting for someone to do something!?" the cockatoo cried furiously.

The birds didn't make any moves, instead standing stock still.

Exasperated, Nigel slapped his forehead with a feathery wing. "Just… _ugh_ , do any of you know the meaning of _sarcasm_? KILL THE DAMN MONKEY!"

Squawking, the variety of birds stiffened, and several of them broke apart from the flock to soar towards King. The vervet monkey sighed and sidestepped one torpedo-like bird, causing it to slam into the ship's deck with a thick crunch. King leaned back as one barreled at him from the side, snatched it out of the air with his hands, twisted, and smashed it into the deck beside its brethren. Three more toucans flanked him at the same time, lashing out with cutlasses. King's shackles shot up in warning, and he turned in time to see them. He leaped into the air, narrowly avoiding the edge of the middle toucan's blade, and while he was still in midair, he lashed out downwards with his foot. The middle toucan stumbled backwards before tripping and falling unconscious on his back, during which action King followed up his kick by flipping over and punching out the other two.

The white-furred monkey landed lightly on his front paws in a handstand even as an onslaught of other birds dashed across the deck at him. One opened fire upon him with a ridiculously small machine gun that was somehow still able to hold tons of ammo, but even before it started firing, King Kong had already pushed himself off the ground. He leaped away to safety, and the only damage from the machine gun was slightly more holes in the bird pirates' deck. Unfortunately, he happened to land right in front of another foul feathery fowl, a juju bird who held a bird-sized version of a cavalry sword. It swiped the blade quickly at him. King Kong curled to the side, the blade sweeping past him by a hair, but the sword-wielding bird wasn't about to give him a chance to recuperate.

It followed up with a quick flurry of attacks that sent the vervet monkey quickly walking backwards to avoid them, sidestepping, dodging, and ducking every one, eyes tracking every swipe. It was a curious style of swordplay, almost like dancing, and for several moments, King had trouble finding any openings. That didn't last long, though.

[My name is Zay Hillfincherrr!] chattered the juju bird as it continued its flurry. [Allow me to show you why the call me the legendary—]

[Not shabby,] acknowledged King Kong, completely talking over Zay Hillfincherrr as he jumped over another swipe of the sword. Upon hitting the deck, he slid into a fighting stance, staring intently at his attacker. He held an open palm out before him, cocking his other paw back at the ready. [Unfortunately for you, though, I've already seen through your style. Open-Handed Style… Sword Crush!]

As the unaware bird flipped his body around in a full circle for a swift slash, King focused his power in his cocked fist. Just before the cavalry sword was about to bite into him, he released all his energy and twisted to the left, the direction from which the bird's sword was striking. His fist barreled forward, uncurling into an open palm, and upon paw and blade connecting, the latter shattered in pieces clear to the hilt.

[—FUCK!] Zay Hillfincherrr just barely had time to conclude his sentence with said exclamation before King uncaringly bitch slapped him several times with his tail. He reeled away, head spinning, and King rolled his eyes before finishing him off with a quick uppercut to the jaw.

Raising his eyebrow, the vervet monkey leaned down and took Zay's cavalry sword from him. [Hmm, that was an interesting style. Too bad for his buddies that I know it now, though…!]

As if on cue, around fifteen feathered mooks, a mixture of macaws, pelicans, and ospreys, leaped out of nowhere, all carrying their own swords.

King grinned savagely. [Well, would you take a look at that! I have some dance partners! Who's up first?]

Over with the Straw Hats, Evan tilted his head as the music only he could hear changed. "Huh?" he said, frowning. "Rap music? What the hell? What does rap have to do with anything? _Juju on That Beat_ isn't even a good fighting soooooooong _whatthefuckisKingdoing_."

King shuffled his feet in some very significant movements, just like he'd seen Zay do, as the group charged at him at once. As one of the enemies neared him enough to slash upwards at him, King fell into a horse stance, bouncing lightly, and punched his sword-arm downward diagonally across his body, blocking the attack. Another bird flew at him at breakneck speeds, but in one fluid motion, the vervet monkey slid to the right, and it flew harmlessly through where he'd been moments before. One of the ospreys flew down at him from above, while the previous bird swooped back around and attacked him head-on. King simply punched upward, knocking the osprey out in one fell swoop, and stabbed forward with his new cavalry sword to take out the previous bird, thrusting his hips out all the while.

"I… I…" Evan's jaw dropped in abject horror as he witnessed the fighting style King had just learned. "I don't believe there's any human language in the entirety of the multiverse that has ever come up with a word to describe how dead inside this makes me."

"What?" Zoro asked as he directed a frown at the teen "Why? It's just swordplay. It's actually a pretty good style, too. Huh."

"NOPE!" the brown-haired young man barked quickly with his arms crossed in front of him. "SO MUCH NOPE! I REJECT THIS REALITY!"

Meanwhile, King Kong flipped his stolen cavalry sword in his hand like a baton before sticking it in the wooden boards, quivering. The group of fifteen mixed birds lay crumpled and groaning on the deck. Still on the railing, Nigel's fury had risen to extreme levels.

"Okay, are you _kidding me_!?" growled the cockatoo, his wings flapping angrily. "Twenty of some of the world's strongest birds, and not _one of you has even laid so much as a_ SCRATCH ON THIS MONKEY-BRAINED JERK!?"

[Uh, boss, is your voice supposed to go that high?] someone groaned as they raised a trembling wing.

"SHUT UP, JEFFREY! I'M STRESSED BECAUSE I JUST SPENT TEN YEARS TRAINING IN A HIDDEN VILLAGE OF BEAK-FU TOUCANS LOCATED DEEP WITHIN A TICK-INFESTED JUNGLE, WHILE TRYING TO TEACH MINK RATS HOW TO FIX MY GODDAMNED BOAT, ALL SO THAT I COULD GET REVENGE ON THE MONKEY BASTARDS WHO RUINED BOTH MY SHOW BUSINESS AND MY PIRACY CAREER, ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT SAID CREW, WHO WAS THE REASON FOR MY BEING STRANDED THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, WAS SCATTERED AROUND THE WORLD BEFORE I COULD TAKE PROPER REVENGE UPON THEM! AND AS IF _THAT_ WASN'T ENOUGH, WHEN I _DO_ FINALLY FIND A MEMBER OF SAID CREW SAILING THE SEAS, THE BUNCH OF MIXED BIRDS I PICKED UP ALONG THE WAY TO HELP ME FIGHT TURN OUT TO BE ABSOLUTELY _WORTHLESS EXCUSES FOR PIRATES!_ I THINK A LITTLE HIGHNESS IN MY PITCH IS _PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE_!"

Jeffrey sweatdropped. [Yes, boss… sorry, boss…]

"Quaaaaw!" gulped Carue, dashing to hide behind Vivi again.

"Um… wow," said a shivering Usopp edging away from the railing. "Remind me to never get on the wrong side of a cockatoo."

"Seconded," a pale Evan agreed. His jaw had fallen all the way to the floor, an expression paralleled by much of the rest of the crew.

Luffy's eyes were wide. "I don't think even meat could help out with that amount of rage," he said bluntly, causing Nami to facepalm.

"How on the Blue Seas could meat help with anger issues in the first place!?" she cried wearily.

[Holy shit, dude!] Back on the enemy ship, King Kong was left simply gaping at his rival's outburst. [I don't remember Nigel ever blowing up like that back in the day.]

The irate cockatoo tic-pulsed and rounded on him. " _ **DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO TEACH MINK RATS TO BE SHIPWRIGHTS IN A TICK-INFESTED JUNGLE, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU YOURSELF DON'T KNOW THE BREASTBEAM FROM THE HULL!? IT'S LIKE TRYING TO WADE THROUGH AN ETERNAL SEA OF DIARRHEA INFESTED WITH FUCKING XENOMORPHS!**_ "

[What's a xenomorph?]

Nigel sighed wearily and took a deep breath, his voice hoarse. "Jeffrey. I thought that I told you. To shut. Up."

The bird in question double-sweatdropped and held his wings up in surrender. [Shutting up, sir.]

"Good. Thank you." A couple moments passed, before Nigel at last coughed awkwardly. "Alright, um, I'm calm now. Please excuse that, it's been… a long, sanity-consuming ten years for me."

" _We can tell_ ," deadpanned all of the Straw Hats and Vivi in tandem, Carue squawking his agreement.

"Er, yes. In any case, we aren't here to lay on the ground like a bunch of pigs, we're here to avenge! It's a good time to finish off old tasks." Laughing maniacally, the cockatoo leaped off his ship's railing and stalked eerily across the ground at his rival, madness gleaming in his eyes. "Allow me to tell you a little something about myself you may not have known, monkey-brains. In the time it took for me to regain my grip in the piracy world and discover your return, I managed to earn myself a little bounty. Bow before your better: the Conquering Cockatoo, worth 25,000,000 belli!"

The Straw Hats and Vivi stared, entirely unimpressed.

"…Why do I hear crickets!?" demanded Nigel. "This is the _ocean_!"

Sanji sighed and rubbed the side of his head. "Yeaaaaah, see, when you've seen the world's greatest swordsman in action, fought a twenty million belli Fishman pirate, met a crewmate of Roger himself, became the target of a Warlord worth eighty million, and your captain is worth forty-five million, you kind of get desensitized to the lesser bounties."

"Holy fuck, we Flowers for Algernon'd our shock factor," I breathed, eyes wide.

Vivi's brow wrinkled. "You're speaking English, but… I didn't understand that at all?"

"It's… uh… Yeah, just forget about it for now."

"Aww, that's boring," whined Luffy, deflating. "I thought you were going to be someone actually _strong_."

"WHAT!?" Nigel roared. He whirled around at the straw-hatted boy, who stared back blandly. "I'M VERY STRONG, FEATHERLESS SCUM! JUST WATCH AS I RIP YOUR MONKEY FRIEND TO PIECES, AND THEN I'LL COME FOR YOU NEXT!"

[Sorry, Nigel,] growled King Kong with a dark grin as he slid his foot back, tensed his legs, held one arm cautiously, and pulled his other fist back to his waist, [but I'm afraid that, even if I do lose here, you'll never stand a chance against my captain.]

The Conquering Cockatoo's eye twitched with deep annoyance as he turned back around to glare at his enemy. "And why wouldn't I, monkey-brains?"

[Because Luffy…] King suddenly leaped forward, twisting his body around several times for extra momentum, and before Nigel had time to react, he slammed his foot into the pirate's very small amount of neck. [IS THE MAN WHO'LL BE KING OF THE PIRATES!]

The force of the flying kick was enough to throw the grey bird off his claws and into the air. But a second later, Nigel grunted and flipped himself belly-down. He flapped twice to stop himself, then powered forward at a speed King Kong had trouble keeping track of. The cockatoo dived at the vervet monkey before pulling away at the last second and flying quick circles around him.

King's tail flicked as he tried to keep his eyes on his rival. [Damn, thought you were gonna attack me head-on,] he grumbled.

"Yeah, well, see, unlike my crew, _I'm not an idiot_! Beak-Fu Twister: Collar Break!"

Quite unexpectedly, a sharp jab from behind on King's shoulder sparked white-hot pain behind the monkey's collar bone. He howled in surprise, stumbling forwards and clutching his shoulder. His eyes flicked about wildly, desperate for a glimpse of his long-time rival, but all he could see was a grey blur now and then.

Out of nowhere, one hard keratin claw clutched King's arm from above and yanked it back and forth, forcing it to slam into the monkey's face. "Stop hitting yourself!" he guffawed as King growled and tried to shake him off. "Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!"

Zoro's eye twitched. "That is _not_ honorable fighting."

"Yeah, kinda like taking honor and dropping it into the meat grinder, then dumping _that_ into Sauron's landfills," deadpanned Nojiko.

Evan's eyes widened. "Holy shit, you guys have _Lord of the Rings_?"

"Uh… yeah, why? Wait, you guys have it, too!?"

"THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!" they chorused, grinning widely, and Nami groaned miserably.

"Ohhhh, God, there's two of them," she moaned, wilting.

Vivi sweatdropped. "You all seem strangely relaxed when one of your crewmates is fighting a wanted pirate captain to the death."

"Trust in King," said Luffy, grinning at his crewmembers' antics. "I don't have anyone on my crew who's weak."

King Kong, meanwhile, had finally had enough of his opponent's infuriating… _tactics_. "YOU LITTLE SHIT, TAKE THIS FIGHT SERIOUSLY!" roared King, his teeth turning strangely sharklike as his tail swept up to snatch the cockatoo out of the air and off his hand. He twisted his body hard and flung Nigel into the ship's mast. The force was enough to crack the large wooden post, but Nigel shook his feathery head and recovered quickly. King growled and dashed forward, arm cocked back for a punch. Instead of letting him come further, however, Nigel flapped his wings quickly and flashed forward, soaring in blurred circles around the monkey. It was so fast that King couldn't keep track of him, no matter how good his monkey eyes were.

"You want me to take this fight seriously? FINE!" Echoing from all around King, Nigel's voice called out, "Beak-Fu Twister: Pecker Blows!"

[Shit!] growled the monkey, and quickly snapped his arms up in front of his face protectively. It wasn't a moment too soon; he felt the cockatoo's sharp beak pound into his body all over it without any specific pattern. Every single strike seemed to be aimed at a particularly painful part of his body, however. With each stab of Nigel's beak, indescribable pain flared up inside him as he struck another pressure point, causing King to nearly black out. Several of the beak stabs started to attempt to strike his lower face, but bounced off his arms instead.

"KING! GET OUT OF THERE!" shouted Nojiko from the _Merry_ , concerned.

Evan gritted his teeth as he watched, clearly upset from witnessing his partner get beat up, but reluctant to stop the fight nonetheless. "N-No, he said he's strong enough to take them all on, even Nigel. So… So, GO FOR IT, KING! KICK HIS ASS!"

His mind was close to blanking out from the pain as Nigel's aim started to rise higher and higher. Even so, his brain was firing quickly, attempting to connect the path of Nigel's seemingly random attacks. An idea was forming in his head with each new hit he tanked, a pattern starting to form.

[It's not random,] King gasped, blinking in realization as he finally made the connections. [It's just that you're moving so fast that it _seems_ random! Really, you're just going in an upward helix!]

"And what if I am!? I'm too fast for you to stop me!" crowed Nigel, but instead of nervousness, King's lips turned up in a thin grin of savage victory.

[Actually, as long as I can tell where you'll be, your speed doesn't matter,] he returned easily, tail swishing in anticipation. [And unfortunately for you, I happened to eat a Devil Fruit just before the Marines captured my crew and me. It's one that allows me to study an opponent's attacks, memorize their patterns, and stop them… as long as my body is able to handle it. And right now, it's letting me know that your next attack will be right…]

For just a second, Nigel flashed into King's line of sight, but even if he hadn't done so, it wouldn't have mattered for him one bit; the monkey's hand was already sweeping up to grasp him around his pudgy body. The cockatoo's body stopped so abruptly that his bottom half swung back and forth a bit before fully stopping.

[HERE!] barked King Kong, his grin thinning so it looked even more feral.

Evan's worried frown transformed into a grin to match King's. "See? He's got this."

"…Well, shit," said Nigel.

Seconds later, King bared his teeth and growled, [HAPLORHINI PISTOL! PISTOL! PISTOL!] as he repeatedly slammed his fist into Nigel's face. The cockatoo coughed blood, but was still seeing daylight, so King Kong frowned and dropped his arm. [Alright, if that won't stop you… _Haplorhini Collier Shoot!_ ]

He promptly dropped the bird, but before Nigel could fly away, he was already twisting his body around for a high kick. One hairy monkey foot slammed into one evil cockatoo's stomach, and with a squawk much akin to the sound of a balloon releasing all its helium into the air, Nigel was sent _flying_. Purely unconscious, the villainous pirate bird spiraled ungracefully over and away from the boat, before finally splashing into the water hard enough to throw spray fifteen feet into the sky and form a brief rainbow.

[These bruises are gonna be _so_ worth it tomorrow,] decided King Kong, eyeing his handiwork happily, tail swishing behind him.

~o~

 **Several hours later**

Laying down in cool shade, I stretched my hands, grinning. "Man, that was a great battle back there, wasn't it?"

"…They grow up so fast," sniffed Nojiko proudly.

I frowned. "Oh, come on, that's _my_ partner we're talking about here. If anyone's saying that, it should be _me_."

"Yeah, but I trained him," she pointed out.

Sanji's hand leaped into the air happily. "And that was my kick he used to finish that bird off!"

"Yeah, don't you think there's more than one useful Devil Fruit power now, Sanji?" I said cheekily, my pale face stretching a bit with my shit-eating grin. "I bet ol' Zeff's kicks were _pretty_ brutal back in the day, eh?"

"Oh, shut up, damn vampire," sniffed Sanji.

I blinked rapidly. "V-vampire!? Oi! What!?"

"Well, to be fair, you're so pale you look like Gollum crossbred with Dracula," deadpanned Nojiko as she watered Bell-mére's tangerines.

From somewhere in her map room. Nami groaned loudly. "Oh, for Davy Jones's sake, would you _please stop it with the_ Lord of the Rings _references already?_ Six years I've put up with this! I thought I could finally have some peace for once!"

"Not when it's a perfectly good way to tease a friend!" Nojiko shouted back cheekily.

It was some time after the attack of the Party Pooper Pirates—and I'm never going to be able to say that with a straight face, am I?—and things had quieted down quite a bit. Everyone had pretty much returned to their normal tasks, although thanks to my help washing dishes, Sanji was left without a whole lot to do. Therefore, he'd ended up volunteering to protect the tangerine bushes from Luffy's wandering hands until it was time to cook lunch. In the meantime, we'd been talking about King's one-man beat-down of the Party Pooper Pirates… yep, never gonna say their name without laughing.

I'd squared away much of my training for the day since the attack, so I was resting in the bushes' shade and enjoying the sweet smell of Florida they gave off. True, I lived in Ohio, but I'd vacationed in Florida a fair bit due to my grandparents always moving down there for the winter.

I put my hands up in surrender. "Okay, getting double-teamed here!? I guess there's just no challenging it, huh?"

"Nope," they both chorused.

"Hey, Sanji, did you see where King went off to after we got him off those birds' ship?" I asked, changing the subject.

He frowned in thought. "I think he went to the men's cabin to recuperate from all his pressure points getting struck so many times. Why?"

"Can you go get him? I want to discuss some plans with him and Nojiko."

"Sure, Vampire."

"Oh, for the love of all that is holy, I am _not a vampire_!" I groaned as he walked away, chuckling victoriously. I sighed and ran my hands through my straight, brown hair. "Whatever. Anyway, you guys have done a really good job training King. He's been looking really happy."

"Have you seen him anything but happy?" she pointed out, then blinked. "I mean, other than when we met Nigel and his crew. He's always been super pumped to be out of his cage and exploring the world again."

"Yeah, you got a point there," I acknowledged with a warm smile. I watched Nojiko at her task for a while, just reveling in the fact that I was sitting on board the _Going Merry_ , in the middle of the Grand Line, with really amazing people protecting me and who I could protect in turn. This place was really my dream come true; say what I will about the All-Seeing Author, but he'd given me a great gift that no other person could ever say they had.

Back home, I wasn't particularly disliked or anything. I'd always had a decent grasp on the social ladder in my school, mostly thanks to my writing and acting. I'd been living pretty normally, but even so, it was exactly that that made me desire more. In the middle of nowhere, Ohio, what else _could_ you want? It was all the same cornfields, the same rolling hills and forests, everywhere you went. Nothing was new.

Here? I was discovering new things around every corner. Whacky situations that could only make sense in a world as crazy as _One Piece_ , and even whackier people and creatures popped up on a day-to-day basis. It was truly a splendid world.

A low, playful growl from behind me and a light foot into my face brought me back to reality.

"I saw where you were looking," deadpanned King Kong through his sign language, raising an eyebrow at me as he hopped into view.

" _Ow!_ What the hell are you…" My eyes strayed back to their previous position, and my face flushed deep red as I realized where I may have been accidentally staring as Nojiko was bent over, watering the tangerines. As quickly as I came to this realization, I ripped my eyes away, cheeks closely resembling beets. "Ahem, anyway, now that we're all here, there's something I wanted to ask you guys!" I said quickly.

King rolled his eyes. "Changing the subject, eh?" he signed, and _thank god Nojiko didn't know sign language._

Said blue-haired woman set her watering can down and straightened up, looking down at me curiously. "What is it, Evan?"

"Neither of you happened to see Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine's Day after I fell asleep, did you?"

Both monkey and girl shook their heads.

"...That's mildly concerning," I said, my weak grin twitching, "but probably alright. You remember how I told you guys they'd be showing up at Whiskey Peak?"

Nojiko nodded. "But they didn't even show a hair of themselves..."

"Yeah, which is weird. They were supposed to show during Luffy and Zoro's fight. It was strange enough when they hadn't done so by the time we'd all gotten caught by the Unluckies, but with this information… I'm kind of concerned as to just where they are. With their abilities and general skill as assassins, they could be annoying to take care of, especially combined with the other agents. Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji shouldn't have much trouble with them, but the rest of us would be given a run for our money. We'll have to keep an eye out. Second, I know I've already gotten my training completed, but there's still something all three of us can work on… a little, broken as _fuck_ power called Haki."

"Haki?" King Kong blinked, confusion etched clearly on his face as he signed. "What's that? I get the feeling you're not talking about the sport."

"Yeah, definitely not that," I agreed, facepalming. "No, Haki's something all things in this world have, but that only the most powerful end up unlocking. It's accessible only through either intense trauma or intense training, as far as I'm aware, and as I'm fairly certain neither of you want to try out the former, the latter is the only way for us to get it."

"What kind of training is required for it?" asked Nami's pretty sister. "And… what exactly _is_ it?"

"Well, there's two types: One that allows you to predict enemy attacks and react accordingly, and one that allows you to shield yourself, make your attacks stronger, and touch even Logia Devil Fruit users. There's also a third, Conqueror's Haki, but I'm not even going to go into that yet, because it's so ridiculously rare that the only person who could benefit from training in it on this crew is Luffy. And unfortunately… I have only extremely vague ideas on how to train the first. As for the others? _No clue at all_."

"Well, fantastic," deadpanned King, his hands flashing out the words. "Can't learn it if we don't know how to."

"True, true, but it's better that we start attempting to _try_ , at least, wouldn't you agree? That aside, we need to work out some plans for Little Garden. It'll be coming up here soon, and I do _not_ want to be unprepared for _that_ potential mess."

Nojiko tilted her head, considering this point. "Hmm… alright, here's the bare backbones of the beginnings of a plan, using what you told us the other day. You ready, guys? Here goes..."

~o~

 **Deep within one of the brigantines…**

"You know the plan, don't you, Miss Valentine?"

A pale face and a bright yellow parasol poked into view from the darkness of the yet unnamed ship's bowels, a thin grin attached to said face. "Oh, this'll be easier than pie, Mr. 5," the young lady cooed, tapping her parasol against her shoulder. "They'll have no idea we're even coming…"

One finger stuck its way up a tall, looming man's nose, the owner indistinguishable from the darkness of the room around them. It pulled out with a miniscule booger on its tip, and the man examined it with a dark frown. "Straw Hats… it's time your adventure goes up in smoke."

This said, he flicked his finger upward, causing the booger to fly off it, then fall back down and explode upon landing. The bombshell-like projectile was so small that not much sound erupted, but the small burst of light illuminated both the woman's evil grin and the man's calculating frown.

Just a little more time, and their plan would be put into fruition.

Just a little more time, and their boss's precious secret would be safe once more.


	19. The Little Garden Incident, Part 1

**A/N:** I originally meant this chapter to be all of Little Garden as a whole, but the ending made for such a perfect chapter ending that I couldn't pass it up. Thanks as always to EXNativo's and The Patient One's help in writing this chapter, and like always, be sure to check this out on Spacebattles, TV Tropes, and Patre0n, too. Now, without further ado, let's head right into this chapter!

P.S. I own just about every Nintendo console and handheld since the Game Cube/ Game Boy Advance SP, but not _One Piece_ or any Nintendo-related things that may or may not come up.

* * *

Chapter 16: The Little Garden Incident, Part 1

 **Little Garden, 4 Days Later**

"Okay, I'm only going to ask this once…"

 _BABOOM! BOOM! BOOOOOOM!_

The intense bursts of many explosions ripped the air in two, causing my ears to ring unnecessarily loudly, and I dashed through the jungle like my life depended on it. Oh, wait, it did! Gulping as the obnoxious chortling of a young lady who'd practiced evil laughter way too often rose to my ears, I picked up the pace even more. My lungs worked about fifty times over what they were supposed to, which really couldn't be good for my heart, and sweat caked every inch of my pale skin. Flocks of jungle birds took to the skies with annoyed squawks as the nearby explosions continued, and as I ripped through the foliage in which they sat.

Nearby, a vine snapped loudly and I winced sympathetically as King, who'd been swinging through the trees beside me, came crashing to the ground.

"TEN THOUSAND KILOS!" called the yellow-clad woman haunting the skies above me, and she dropped down through the air at me like a crate of bricks.

I dived away from the human missile and came up rolling. I'd only narrowly avoided being squished into an Evan Smoothie by the Kilo-Kilo woman, who had come so close to hitting me that I'd felt the wind displaced by her as she crashed into the ground.

My eye twitched as I scrambled to my feet and took off even faster than before. Through the trees ahead of me, I saw Vivi and Usopp tearing through the dangling vines and bushes upon Carue's back. A group of about twelve terrified ex-Baroque Works agents crashed through the jungle right behind them, with a very pissed off Mr. 5 and around ten of their turncoat friends hot on their heels. Explosions narrowly missed them as the Supersonic Duck zigzagged at breakneck speeds around the jungle trees, and the agents dashed in completely random patterns, Mr. 5 flicking a gamut of boogers at them. Unfortunately, one of the explosions _did_ end up getting too close to one of the ex-agents, who was flung far into the jungle with a very cliché scream.

I hopped over a fallen, slightly burnt log, panting desperately as I bellowed, " _HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN!?_ "

Back where he fell, King leaped up onto a tree, grabbed a vine, and swung down to drop on my shoulder. "Well," he signed, shooting Miss Valentine's Day a sharp glare as she jumped ridiculously high into the air and drifted with the wind towards us, weightless once more, "if I had to guess, it all started because of _that_ …"

~o~

 **That morning...**

"Alright, here it comes!" called Nojiko from somewhere ahead of me. I couldn't quite tell where due to being blindfolded, a stipulation I'd requested to help with my Haki training. We'd been taking turns all morning, attacking each other while blindfolded, and whoever was blindfolded would try to predict where the other was attacking from. Currently, the blindfolded person was me, as I had mentioned, and Nojiko was using her sai.

I concentrated as hard as I could, trying to feel with my mind where her hand was going to be—

 _KA-SAI!_

Until her two gleaming weapons slapped right across my face and almost made me bite my tongue. I sputtered indignantly, rubbing my cheek and gasping, "Did you have to hit me so hard!? And what the hell was that sound effect!?"

"First, it's to motivate you to avoid them," Nojiko said woodenly, "and second, I've learned to just not question it by now."

"Alright, alright," I grumbled, while King Kong cackled somewhere to my left. My cheek still throbbing, I cracked my knuckles and straightened my back. "Let's just get back to work."

Learning Haki was a lot tougher than one might think. Nojiko, King, and I had been training in it for the past four days while en route to Little Garden. Luffy was ecstatic to learn that we were going to a possibly dangerous island, and bounced off the walls, literally, since the moment he found out that it was filled with dinosaurs. Nami and Usopp, meanwhile, were the picture of depressed; ever since the former had read in one of the books she'd brought about Little Garden's… _infestation_ , a metaphorical raincloud had trailed them ceaselessly. It was a bit of a relief to me, really, that even with all of the shenanigans the Grand Line had pulled on us so far, depression rainclouds were still fiction.

"You ready, Evan?" asked Nojiko, sounding like she didn't actually care whether I was ready. "Let's do this once more."

"Ye—" I started to say, but didn't even finish before a firm whap of her sai forced my head to jerk to the left. My cheeks smarting some fierce, I cried, "Yo, what was that for!?"

I could almost hear the shrug in my trainer's next sentence. "It's not like the enemy is going to wait to see if you're fully prepared or not."

"Then what was the point of asking me…?"

Ignoring my grumbling, Nojiko laughed and yanked the blindfold up and off of me. Hot Grand Line sunlight glared into my eyes. I blinked rapidly, seeing spots, and then my eyes finally adjusted. I rubbed them once or twice, then stretched and pulled out my nunchucks as the blue-haired strategist reached under and up her shirt to tuck her sai away… somewhere. She then wrapped the dark blindfold around her head at eye-level to block all possible sight.

"Alright, get out your 'chucks and hit me with your best shot," she intoned.

I swallowed. I'd been raised to never hit a woman, told it was the gentleman's way. But this _was_ a world of piracy; personal morals would have to be tweaked at some point or other. I supposed that it was better for me to work on relaxing this particular one while in no danger from my 'opponent,' than to run across someone like Monet and get fucked over by values and boundaries.

"Alright," I said uncertainly, "here goes nothing."

I reached for the halves of my twin weapons that _weren't_ hostile to Hammers, slipped them off my belt, and took a deep breath. Then I slid one foot about a meter back before tensing my leg muscles and dashing forward as silently as I could, which unfortunately was still fairly noisy. I started to run in a circle around the strategist.

Legs pumping, arm sweeping, my nunchucks flicked through the air one after the other. The first slammed into the side of Nojiko's head, without her being able to so much as flinch away, but she actually ducked under the second… Or at least, I thought she'd cleared it. Unfortunately, my right-hand nunchaku bounced off the top of her head. The recoil then caused it to spin crazily as my arm fell away from her, and the "seairon" of it smashed into a certain… lower part of my body _that was really fucking painful OHGODDAMNITWHYYYYY!?_

My world went white and my hearing was filled with strangely high-pitched screaming. Across the _Merry_ , every single guy flinched and paled. Usopp even whimpered a little bit.

When the place where the sun doesn't shine finally stopped screaming bloody agony, I managed to blink the tears out of my eyes to see that I was laying on the deck in the fetal position. Nojiko had lifted her blindfold off her head in curious concern, while King winced sympathetically. Groaning, cursing, I scrambled to my feet and swayed as the area between my legs still smarted something fierce.

"You alright?" asked Nojiko with a tilt of her head.

I groaned pitifully. "Could be better…" I admitted, fighting back more tears and lifting a shaky thumbs-up at her, "but I-I'll live. Maybe?"

"Okay, great!" Nojiko clapped her hands together and slid the blindfold back over her eyes. "Let's get back to work, then."

"Slave driver," I sighed miserably.

"Vampire," she returned easily.

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

Grumbling to myself and trying to ignore my sore scrotum, I returned to smacking Nojiko with my nunchucks. This time, however, I made sure to keep the extremely solid weapons as far from my soft, painful areas upon rebound as possible. Many of my attacks landed perfectly, but some hit her just as she was starting to lean away. Her reflexes were improving, it would seem, seeing as how when we started this four days ago, neither King, Nojiko, nor I had even been able to flinch away.

Speaking of improving, my strength stats were significantly escalating as well. I was nowhere near the others' levels, of course, but I was now able to lift a hundred pounds with only some sweat, whereas four days ago I would have been screaming every swear word I knew to the uncaring void while stumbling with the weight. This increase in muscle strength was largely due to having lifted weights with Zoro for nearly the entirety of the past four days... Or, at least, any time during said days when I wasn't training in fighting technique and Haki with King Kong and Nojiko. Luckily, it seemed that in this world, one's muscles took far less time to build up than they did back on Earth. Unluckily, this ALSO meant the amount of pain they went through to do so was much, much higher.

I'd also been eating significantly more than I ever had before I'd taken a bite of Devil Fruit. The more exertion I put myself through, the more food I consumed, to the point where yesterday, I'd chowed down through no less than six plates of lunch. This was, perhaps, the most shocking thing about all of this to me. Back home, I'd been lucky to even clear my first plate, regardless of how much I'd snacked throughout the day. Now, I was nearing Luffy levels of appetite. Somehow, it seemed to actually have an effect on my body's recuperation, too; the more I ate, the quicker my muscles stopped threatening to mutiny after I got done lifting weights.

All of this was enough to really hurt my head trying to reason out, but I supposed I would have to ask Chopper about it whenever we would save and recruit him.

Listening to us from where they lay sunbathing at the back of the ship, Nami and Vivi rolled their eyes at each other.

"Are they ever going to relax or just be quiet?" sighed the princess.

Nami shook her head, shrugging. "Just let them be. It's helping them out, anyway, or else they'd all be knocked out with smoking bumps on their heads… even my sister. It's just so damn _noisy_ ," she added under her breath. Then she blinked and looked over at Vivi. "Actually, you're pretty relaxed yourself, more so than I thought you'd be. What's up?"

"I've been worrying about my country and how I'll save it alone for the past three years," Vivi said, shrugging. "I guess when I saw Luffy and Zoro fighting, Evan's conviction to go up against Crocodile's right-hand woman herself despite being… relatively weak, and how King Kong wiped the floor with those bird pirates… I suppose I just feel protected by their strength, and that somehow, everything's finally going to turn out fine. It's weird, but, well, I just feel safe here."

Shaking her head, Nami glanced back to where I was helping Nojiko train her Haki, and beyond, where Zoro lay napping against the railing, and where Luffy sat on the figurehead. Sanji and Carue kept watch in the crow's nest, and Usopp had retreated to his workshop to work through his stress by continuing to hollow out spare cannonballs for me. "Yeah," she said fondly, a small smile spreading across her face. "I think I've known how you feel. They're pretty amazing people, huh?"

The minutes continued to pass, the sounds of Nojiko's, King's and my training resounding the ship and occasionally accompanied by a pained groan. Suddenly, however, the sharp cry of a duck rang out.

"Land ho!" shouted Sanji, several hundred feet above us.

Luffy turned so fast that I was worried he might unintentionally set the figurehead on fire through friction alone. "REALLY!?" he called back gleefully. "We're going to get see the dinosaurs!? COOOOOL!"

I faltered mid-swipe, and my nunchucks dangled uselessly in the air. Then I redirected my gaze up to Sanji. "How far away is it?" I called.

"Uh… at this speed, we'll reach it by about noon, I'd say," he predicted. "Don't quote me on that. It definitely is Little Garden, though; I see a tall, flat-peaked mountain in the distance and jungle everywhere on it."

I checked my Nokia; apparently, the All-Seeing Author had adjusted it to reflect this world's time, even switching appropriately across timezones. "It's ten now… so we have about two hours to spare…" I hummed to myself.

"Sounds cool." In front of me, Nojiko reached up and lifted her blindfold off of her. An excited grin spread across her face. "We're gonna be in a prehistoric jungle! That's just so… _impossibly_ cool. I never would have imagined something like that could exist before you guys recruited me."

King Kong sat up and hummed. "Even I can hardly believe it, and my crew once visited a bottomless pit surrounded by a donut-shaped island filled with evil centaurs who'd enslaved a race of ninja midgets," he signed. His lips curled down in a cute frown. " _That_ was a weird week," he deadpanned through his hands.

"How… What…" Flabbergasted, I settled for shaking my head and rubbing my eyes. "You know what, no. I'm not even gonna ask."

"Anyway," said Nojiko to me, raising her eyebrow and twirling the blindfold around her finger, "do you want to continue Haki training until we make landfall?"

I thought a moment and at last sighed. "Nah, I'm not really doing too well. I think I'm gonna get some Devil Fruit training with Luffy in before fecal matter possibly hits the air oscillation device," I quipped.

As I turned and walked over to our captain, Nojiko frowned. "What?"

"In layman's terms," said I cheekily, "before shit hits the fan." As she rolled her eyes at my back, I grinned and waved to my straw-hatted friend. "Oi, Luffy! Want to help me train my Devil Fruit?"

"Eh?" he blinked at me, then a wide grin stretched his lips out. "Yeah, sure! What do you want me to do?"

"Sit still and tank my attacks. You're the only one here who I wouldn't have the possibility of crushing by accident, and I want to practice using Master Hand and Crazy Hand. The last time I tried to use them, they didn't form properly, and I want to try to figure out what went wrong."

Luffy blinked, then grinned. "Oh. Okay!"

The mistake I'd mentioned had happened back on our way to Loguetown. I'd tried experimenting with Master Hand and Crazy Hand, but the first time I used them after fighting Fonti and rescuing Luffy from the underwater boulder, they hadn't been "solid" like during the aforementioned times. And unfortunately, without that solidness, they were kind of useless. The entire reason I'd won that fight was because I'd basically emulated a Gum-Gum Giganto technique. If I couldn't summon them properly in the future, I would be losing a huge asset.

So saying, I spent the next couple hours trying to figure out what I was doing wrong with them. The main problem was that Fonti had put me through so much pain back then, that I couldn't remember just how I'd formed them. As far as I could tell, every time I tried to make them now, they carried the denseness of normal water. Sure, _I_ would be able to touch them like they weren't liquid, but Luffy's body didn't so much as press down when I dropped them on him. The only effect they had was soaking him.

"If they're not dense," I said at last, Little Garden now close enough that we could _feel_ the periodic rumblings of its volcano, "then I just need to bring their molecules closer together. Maybe slow them down, too..."

Luffy, taking everything I threw at him like a champ, stared at me blankly. "I have no idea what you're saying," he said cluelessly.

"Mystery science," I deadpanned, and he hummed in understanding.

I summoned Master Hand and Crazy Hand again, concentrating on forcing their molecules closer together. It made my head swim to do so, but I figured with enough practice, I could force that away. Once I'd felt they were forced close enough together, I shouted and slapped my hands down hard on _Merry's_ deck. Ahead of me, the two gigantic copies of my hands followed suit…

 _SPLASH_.

The two watery hands crashed harmlessly over Luffy, who simply blinked away the seawater from his eyes and yawned.

Nothing. "Grkgrhgrk… GODDAMMIT!" I shouted at last, fed up with it all. I ruffled my hands through my hair in my vexation. "Why isn't bringing the molecules closer together having any effect on any of my water attacks!?"

"It actually felt more liquid-y that time," offered Luffy. "It _did_ feel colder, though."

" _What!?_ " I screamed in frustration. "HOW!? If the Hands felt colder, then they should've been harder, too! _I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS!_ "

It hurt so bad, not being able to do something that should have been so simple. I knew I was weak; I didn't need anyone to tell me that. I was the textbook definition of a Glass Cannon. Whiskey Peak had showed me just how unprepared I was: one pair of seastone handcuffs and some hypnotism, and I was down for the count. It was a bit of a rude awakening, and I didn't want to be caught unawares like that again; I wanted to be strong enough to power through anything small like that. But if I couldn't even figure _Master Hand_ and _Crazy Hand_ out, then… what could I do?

Sinking to my knees, I gazed, downcast, at the _Going Merry_ 's wooden boards. "Damn…" I muttered, hollowly. "All I want is to be strong enough to protect my friends…"

"Just relax and give it time," Nojiko calmly said from behind me, her warm, reassuring hand falling gently on my shoulder. "I'm sure you'll get the hang of those Hands eventually."

"I've already done it _twice_ , though," I pointed out miserably, turning around to look her in the eye tiredly. "I should be able to do it again, I just… _can't_."

She sighed and smiled, squeezing my shoulder. "Come with me a sec. I want to tell you something."

Blinking, I resigned myself to follow her as she turned and made her way back to the mess hall. Luffy tilted his head, then shrugged and turned back around on the figurehead. As we passed King Kong, who stood by the mast with his blindfold hanging on his forehead like a bandanna, he wolf-whistled, and I flashed him the bird. We ducked inside the mess hall door soon after. She pulled up a chair for me, then sat across from it. I dropped lightly into my chair, wondering what she wanted to say.

Nojiko folded her hands together and drummed them on the table. "Some things just take practice," she began. "You're not going to be great at everything right off the bat; to have any skill at anything, you need to do it over and over and over again. I had to learn that the hard way, believe me. How do you think I've gotten so good at just about every weapon you could think of? Every day Nami was away, and even when she was home but trapped in Arlong Park, I trained my ass off with Genzo."

"At first," she continued, "when I started at six, I was horrible. I couldn't even wield a bo staff properly. It took about three years, but at last I was making progress, and once I'd mastered the bo and sword, I moved on to guns, sai, and scythes, then tonfa, claymores, nunchucks… you name it, I spent every waking hour mastering its trade. And you know something? There were days when I felt I'd never get the hang of whatever new weapon I was training with. There were days when I just couldn't understand the techniques. But Genzo made me push through those days, and now, I can wield everything I own with remarkable proficiency. So, don't give up just because you don't understand it. I saw you stand up to Fonti and Arlong. I saw you stand up to Miss All-Sunday. You've got just about the most conviction I've seen from anyone, and no matter how hard it is, you always push through, so I _know_ you can figure this out."

Eyes slightly wet, I smiled shakily. "Thanks, Nojiko. That really means a lot."

"You're welcome," said the beautiful person before me, smiling softly. She glanced past me, and excitement flashed in her bright, entrancing eyes, making them twinkle like a fairy's. I believe I may have blushed, but I'm still not sure. "Now, I'd say go out and try it a hundred more times, but it looks like we've finally arrived at Little Garden."

~o~

"O-Oi, didn't Miss All-Sunday say there might be monsters here?"

"No, she said that we'd have little chance of getting off the island in time to reach Alabasta, and that Baroque Works is aware of this path. It's always a possibility that we could see something like Godzilla, though."

" _I… I don't know what that is, b-but that sounds s-scary!_ And anyway, even if there's no monsters, we know for _sure_ there's dinos here, and they're close enough! We should just stay on the ship!"

"Wimp."

" _Crazy-ass vampire!_ "

"Shishishi! Man, this is gonna be awesome! I can't wait to see what this island's like!"

"Shut it, moron! I concur with Usopp! Going on the island is too dangerous—let's wait for the Log Pose to readjust itself and then head off to Alabasta as soon as possible, no detours. _Okay!?_ "

"Sanji! Lunch box! Lots of meat, and no veggies, because they're gross!"

"Eh… Why does he want a…"

"I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE! SHISHISHI!"

" _DAMN IT!_ "

The _Going Merry_ had entered a river that cut through the center of the island, winding and curling around little outlets of jungle-coated land. The flora that sprung to bright, neon life everywhere along the river was unlike anything I'd ever seen, even in movies or anime, which was saying something. Some of the species of trees and bushes looked similar to their modern-era variants, but often, they were so different it was as though this wasn't even the same planet. Some of the trees had red trunks, some of the flowers were a strange, beautiful mixture of cyan with speckles of yellow scattered around their petals. An ancient aroma, fresh and sweet, drifted to my nose.

Behind us, the yet-unnamed brigantines (I was having trouble coming up with an appropriate name for them) followed us closely, their sails lowered and their passengers rowing slowly.

As Sanji headed into the kitchen to start up a lunch box for Luffy, Vivi flagged him down. "Hey, actually, can you make me one, too, please?" she said with a soft smile.

"Sure thing, Vivi-chwan!" said ero-chef cooed, a dove in love.

Nami whirled around to face the princess so fast I thought her wide, terror-filled eyes would roll out of their sockets. " _What?_ Are you _insane_? Why on Earth would you want to go out in a prehistoric jungle where anything could come out of the trees and eat you alive!?"

At that moment, a gigantic tiger, at least three times as tall as any jungle cat rightfully should be, stomped out of the jungle, growling at our ship.

Luffy brightened even more. "Oh, look! A giant kitty!"

"Such a simpleton," signed King Kong with a groan.

Unfortunately for the tiger, it hadn't taken more than ten steps towards the shore before it toppled over on its side, where buckets of thick blood poured out of several deep puncture wounds. It was dead before it even hit the grass.

Zoro raised his eyebrow in a decidedly unimpressed manner. "Would you look at that. It's dead."

"MY POINT EXACTLY!" shrieked Nami, staring in horror at the tiger from… behind the mast? When had she gotten there? Just a second ago she'd been standing right beside me. "WHAT COULD HAVE KILLED SOMETHING LIKE THAT!? ONLY A MONSTER, THAT'S WHAT! THERE'S NO WAY A HUMAN COULD SURVIVE OUT THERE, SO WHY DO YOU WANNA GO!?"  
"As safe as I feel on the _Merry_ ," Vivi admitted with a sweatdrop, "if I stay cooped up on there much longer, I'll start to have bad thoughts about Alabasta. An exciting adventure like this should take my mind off things. Even if it might be… mildly dangerous."

As if on cue, from behind me, there came the distant flapping of wings… which increasingly grew _not so distant_. I turned around just in time to see an enormous, emerald green pterodactyl swoop down at me and try to grab it me with its claws. Blinking, yelping, I hit the deck, and the proud, prehistoric bird of prey only barely missed me. Disgruntled, it soared off and away into the sky, cawing angrily and flapping its wings hard enough to make our flag billow back.

"YEAH, WELL, FUCK YOU TOO!" I roared back furiously, shaking my hand at it. "Shitty bird, I'm not your shitty food…" While several of the Straw Hats, namely Luffy, Zoro, and Nojiko, chuckled at my misfortune, I growled out a sigh and looked up at the kitchen, whose door still hung open. "OI! SANJI! CAN YOU MAKE ME A LUNCH BOX, TOO? I THINK I'LL DO SOME EXPLORING."

"And me as well!" piped up Nojiko, her voice carrying enough that she didn't need to shout. "King Kong wants one, too, I think." An excited growling from the resident fly-eater confirmed that.

"SURE THING!" Sanji called back from the kitchen.

"B-But... " Nami stammered, turning back to Vivi, "how will you get around? Aren't you afraid?"

"Nope!" she said brightly, eyes dancing. "Carue will be my steed! And I'll be going with Luffy, too, so everything should be perfectly safe."

"QUAW!" said Carue happily, raising his wing at his name. There was a momentary pause as this statement clicked for Carue. Then he shrieked loud and his eyes bugged out, and everyone sweatdropped in tandem.

"Yeah, he does _not_ sound very pleased with that statement," King signed with a flat face. I snickered at the unfortunate duck's countenance.

"He really doesn't, huh?"

"O-Oi, wait," Usopp stammered, sweat rolling down his cheeks, "if y-you two are gonna go out… who's going to protect Nami and me?" There was a brief pause, and then hopeful, tearful eyes fell on Zoro. "Z-Zoro?"

"Nope," he deadpanned. "I'm going to help us restock on food."

"BAD IDEA!" barked Sanji, and suddenly a yellow blur sped out of the kitchen, skidding to a stop right in front of the local mosshead. In his hands hung bags containing enough lunches for all of us going off to adventure. My jaw dropped upon this realization, and I nearly choked on my words.

"W-W-What the hell!?" I gaped. "That couldn't have been more than ten seconds! How did you make those so quickly!?"

"Because I heard Zoro making idiotic statements and wanted to put a stop to it as soon as possible!" he announced, shoving the lunch boxes at all of us except Nojiko and Vivi, whom he handed them to with a deep, elegant bow. Upon the two girls accepting them, he immediately swept around and jabbed his finger at the green-haired swordsman, whose stern gaze fell upon him warningly. "If we let _this_ idiot go collect food for us," declared Sanji, "then he'll just get lost in the jungle for, I dunno, a year or some shit! He'll never make it back to the _Going Merry_! So, _I'll_ be helping restock instead."

" _Eh?_ " hissed Zoro, a pissed, thin grin twitching on his lips. "You think you can do a better job at gathering food than me? I'll get us the biggest damn lizard this world's ever seen."

Sanji stomped up to him, rolling his dark sleeves up his arms dangerously as they butted heads. "Oh, yeah? I'll get something _twice_ as huge as anything yours could ever be!"

"Mine's definitely gonna be the biggest, bastard!"

"Really now? I won't believe it 'til I see it!"

 _WHAP! WHAP!_

"ENOUGH!" roared Nami and Nojiko as one, faces red with annoyance and fists smoking. Below them, the barely conscious swordsman and chef lay twitching on the ground, twin goose eggs popping out of the crown of their heads. "NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A CONTEST OF MEASURING DI—"

"ROAR!" roared a dinosaur in the nearby jungle, drowning them out.

"Dinosaurs," I said helpfully, a Vulpine-like grin stretching across my face.

"Shut up, Evan," groaned the four of them weakly. Carue quaw'd in agreement. Luffy and King Kong just snickered, while Usopp rolled his eyes and facepalmed, and Vivi chuckled uncertainly.

I bit back a grin, and instead tilted my head. "Anyway, you wouldn't have happened to read past the part in that book where it talked about dinosaurs, would you have, Nami?"

The redhead blinked. "No. When I got to the part about the dinosaurs, I freaked out enough that I stopped reading. Why?"

"Oh, so you didn't get to the part about why this place is named Little Garden, eh?" I hummed casually, nodding, and she frowned worriedly.

"What do you mean? I guess it _is_ a bit weird that such a huge jungle has a name that's just so… _opposite_ , but…"

Mumbling to herself, the redhead retreated to the girl's cabin to find her book, while Luffy shot me a decisive stare. I shook my head at him; I hadn't mentioned any spoilers, after all, and Nami and Usopp would've found _that_ out on their own anyway. I was just… tweaking things to coincide better with the plan Nojiko, King, and I had created. My attention fell back to the girl's cabin as the door opened again and spat out Nami, her face buried in the geography book.

"Alright, I'm at that part in the book again," she said aloud, flipping a page, "but I don't see anything about… wait… _THIS ISLAND HAS GIANTS!?_ "

"WHAT!?" shrieked Usopp, and his eyes popped so far out of his head that I was worried we might have had to hammer them back in.

"Yep!" I confirmed, smirking. "And at least one is likely to come by this river here in a bit."

Vivi blinked in shock, then stared at me. "Wait, how did you know—?"

"Uhhhh I read that book before!" I said quickly, a grin plastered across my face and twitching. Luckily, she seemed to buy it, because she asked no further questions.

Choking, both members of the Wimp Duo dashed to Luffy and shook him roughly, tears streaming down their faces. "Waitwaitwaitwedon'twanttostayonthisshipanymore!" garbled both Nami and Usopp, the geography book dropped, forgotten, onto the ship's deck. The straw-hatted captain blinked a couple times, then grinned widely and laughed.

"Shishishi! You guys are funny! Sure, come along with me and Vivi! We'll have an awesome adventure together!"

Sanji got to his feet, rubbed his head, and stumbled back to the kitchen. "I'll get you guys some lunches too, then…" he groaned painfully. "Ow…"

Once everyone was fully prepared to go, we split into teams: Nojiko, King and I composed one; Luffy, Vivi and Carue composed another; and finally, Sanji and Zoro were splitting off on their own to settle their feud. Nami and Usopp, of course, remained on the ship like the chickens they were at this point in time. I summoned two giant hands of water to tell the passengers aboard the brigantines our plans, and they dropped anchor behind us.

Everyone piled off of the gangplank and parted ways. Luffy, Vivi, Carue, Nami, and Usopp headed straight forward into the jungle. Sanji and Zoro dashed off in different directions at diagonals, disappearing into the ancient underbrush. And as for my group?

We started to head out into the jungle until we could no longer be seen from the shore, at which point all three of us ducked low beneath the bushes, and promptly army-crawled back to the river. We made sure that at no point could anyone spot us. Why were we going to such lengths? The answer was simple: we wanted to keep a careful eye on the _Merry_ and the unnamed brigantines to see if Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine's Day would make an appearance. We'd be our crew's eyes and ears for the day, keeping watch and making sure that nothing could go wrong.

"Hey, guys, make sure you don't crush any of these plants," Nojiko hissed as we lay in the underbrush, peering through prickly bushes at our small fleet. "If I'm right, some of these might give off adverse aromas when crushed."

"Really?" I blinked and looked at the various flowers that rose out of the ground around us. Some were bright, vibrant purple; others were a mysterious mixture of hot pink with deep red lines running down the sides. Herbs I couldn't identify also poked out of the ground here and there.

She nodded and pointed to the herbs. "See these here? They look like a prehistoric form of valerian, a well-known herb that gives off an aroma which can make you sleep longer when you sniff it. I don't know what this ancient valerian might do, though; for all we know, it might knock you right out."

A cold sweat ran down the back of my neck. "Duly noted," I gulped, nodding. "That's pretty cool, though. How did you know that?"

"Well…" Nojiko blushed and looked away. "See, before I started training in weaponry, I'd always wanted to be a botanist. I thought plants were just the coolest things. My parents… my old parents before Bell-mére rescued me from my ransacked hometown were botanists themselves. Their house always had an enormous variety of exotic plants from all over the Blues; they even had one white, puffy flower that they claimed came from a Sky Island. Crazy, right? But I thought it was beautiful, and when pirates came and burned down my village… well, I suppose that the image of that garden-like house always stuck with me. I wanted to recreate it someday… no, make something better."

"Huh…" I said intelligently, staring at Nojiko. Then I blinked. "Wait… pirates attacked your old home? I never knew that."

"Really? That never came up in that comic book about us?"

I shook my head, casting my gaze back at the _Merry_ and the unnamed brigantines. Aboard the latter, the ex-agents were cowering on the deck, gazing fearfully out into the dense vegetation of the jungle and flinching every time a dinosaur roared. As courageous as they'd been to back up Vivi, they were a little bit too terrified to enter a prehistoric jungle. "...No, I don't think so. All I remember is that she got wounded badly in some battle, and then you two came up to her, and she decided she had to protect you guys."

"How horrible…" signed King, eyes wide and sad. "It's terrible what you three had to go through. Those pirates who attacked your home…" His gaze darkened and his fist hit the ground furiously. "They're not real pirates. They don't _deserve_ the right to fly the Jolly Roger. The skull-and-crossbones isn't a sign of violence and oppression; it's a sign of war _against_ oppression."

"Agreed," I said, nodding, after I translated what he was signing to our strategist. "Those guys don't have the right to have ever even stepped in the same ground as someone as awesome and cool as you are. And you know what? If you wanted to be a botanist, I don't see a reason why you should have had to stop that simply because you were training to fight Arlong. You should definitely follow that. You'd be the best botanist in the Grand Line!"

The blue-haired young woman smiled softly. "Thanks, you two. It means a lot. But… it doesn't really matter anymore, huh? It'd be kind of hard to grow so many plants on such a small ship."

"You know what that is?"

Nojiko blinked. "...Uh, what?"

"Bullshit, that's what," I told her seriously. She jumped and looked at me in surprise; I stared back evenly. "If something is so important to you that it becomes a lifelong dream, you should stop at nothing to achieve it. And besides, rest assured, after some shenanigans here and there, we're going to be getting a _much_ bigger ship. Furthermore, I can easily see you using different plants to your advantage. Seeing how strong you can be with just normal weapons, I'd _hate_ to see how much damage you could deal with the help of all the different flora in the world."

"Huh…" She paused, then gazed out at the _Merry_ again, blinking. I followed suit, "I… never thought of that. Poison swords, definitely a possibility… bullets dipped in organic sleep mixtures…" Nojiko's eyes slowly widened. "You're completely ri—!"

I looked over at her, tilting my head. "Uh… are you alright?"

Pale, she sniffed the air a few times. "Evan," she said slowly, "do you smell that?"

Through a cloud of confusion, I sniffed the air, too. Now, normally I had a very hard time smelling, which is why I haven't mentioned just how the jungle smelled; quite frankly, because I _didn't know_. This was due to my nose normally being stuffed as a result of my admittedly terrible allergies. However, this didn't mean I couldn't smell _anything_ ; just aromas and smells that weren't very strong.

That invisible odor in the air around my nose, though?

That. Freaking. _Reeked_.

"Oh, god," I choked, eyes watering from just how _bad_ it was.

" _YUCK!_ " signed King furiously, belching and looking thoroughly disgusted.

"Shit!" gasped Nojiko, sitting up… but not high enough that she'd be seen over our concealing bushes. "Okay, who crushed the prehistoric valerian!? That stink is differently the stench of valerian."

"I didn't touch anythi…" Mid-sentence, I slowly looked at King Kong, even as my brain started to feel _super_ tired. "King… you punched the ground…"

"I did?" signed the monkey in question. Horrified, he looked down, and sure enough, a root of the prehistoric valerian lay crushed on the leaf-covered ground just before him. If it was possible for his white, furry face to get any whiter, I'm sure that he achieved it at that moment. "...Shit."

"Evan!" Nojiko whisper-shouted, panic flashing in her eyes even as they started to droop. "Get the river water and… wash out the air… around us…" The more she spoke, the more her voice dropped into a tired drawl. "It should clear… the air…"

Her orders had only barely been finished before she at last gave into the stench of the prehistoric valerian and collapsed on the ground, likely crushing several more roots. Light snoring drifted into the air, mixing with the despicable root's stench.

"Crap," I gulped. Desperately fighting the stuff, I stretched a hand out to the water. Muscles shaking with the effort of holding my increasingly exhausted body up, I tried hard to concentrate on the river. But it was becoming far too difficult to; the most I was managing were small ripples flowing toward us across the water's surface.

"I'm… sorry…" signed King, before falling victim to the valerian himself.

It all hung on me now; I had to be the one to keep us awake. Otherwise, Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine's Day might appear, and everything would just be made a million times more annoying than it needed to be for my friends.

 _Must… stay… awake…_ I thought desperately, hand straining to continue pointing at the river. _Must… staaaay…_

Through blurry sight, my peripheral vision only just caught the image of an afro-wearing black man and a smirking young lady in a yellow sundress emerge from the storage room of one of the unnamed brigantines. The agents all whirled about in surprise, and shouts of panic only just registered in my exhausted mind as my vision darkened.

Letting out a hiss of refusal, I stretched out even harder towards the river, focusing as hard as I could on the water.

 _Awake…!_

And another one bit the dust.

~o~

 **Aboard the ex-agents' brigantines…**

Fifty fearful gazes bore into the two agents standing in front of the door to Mr. 9's ship's storage room. Sweat poured down the faces of Baroque Works' mooks. Mr. 5 smirked as he took in the terrified state of the crowd before him, and Miss Valentine's Day chortled equal parts loudly and annoyingly. Miss Monday tensed and threw her arms up in front of her in a guard.

"What do you want from us!?" she growled, never taking her eyes off of them for even a second. "And where did you come from!?"

Mr. 5 stuck a finger up his nose and dug around. "Isn't it obvious? After word that Mr. 0's secret had been compromised came to us from the Unluckies, we staked you all out, and when we heard that you'd be escaping on the ships that Baroque Works kindly had provided you, we decided to stow away until the right time." There came a sudden splash and his head swiveled to the right, where some bristly bushes lined the river. The water just before it seemed to be moving in a strange fashion, but he couldn't see anybody there. Frowning, he looked back at the ex-agents with a stern glare.

Swallowing, the resident orange-haired prince wannabe swallowed a tight lump. "T-the right time?" he echoed, hands shaking. "What do you mean by that?"

"You see," said Miss Valentine's Day, her smirk widening, "we came to give you all an option." Confusion swept over the ex-agents at this, and using the opportunity to forge ahead without break, the Kilo-Kilo woman continued. "As it stands now, you are certain to be killed by Baroque Works for your insubordination, should you all even survive this island and arrive at Alabasta. However, 5 and I have a proposal for you: Band together with us against the Straw Hats and the princess they protect, and you shall be rewarded handsomely for your efforts."

Shock and disbelief struck Miss Monday like a lightning bolt. She stiffened, eyes wide and dilating as she repeated these words to herself in her head. Then she narrowed her gaze and reaffirmed her martial arts stance. "What kind of fools do you take us for?" the muscle-builder demanded, a bead of cold sweat running down her face. "Obviously, that's a trap! The moment the Straw Hats die, you'd kill us anyway! And besides, Miss Wednes… Vivi is our friend. A true warrior never turns their back on a friend, even if it's a matter of life and death! Right, everyone?"

Silence reigned, and as though the air was an iceberg, her spirits sank in coldness. "E-everyone?" she repeated, swiveling her head around to look at her fellow ex-agents. The heavily muscled woman expected, or at least hoped, to see many people nodding along in agreement, but instead, she saw many uncertain, downcast gazes. Very little of her friends could look her in the eye.

"...Goddammit!" Miss Monday roared at last, fear replaced by fury as her head jerked back to the bomberman standing mockingly before her. Her hands clenched into fists, and before either Mr. 5 or Miss Valentine could react, she barreled forward, muscle rippling like so many waves. One extremely hard fist collided with the former's face, and she felt a very satisfying crack as the agent was flung back and smashed through the walls of the storage room.

Miss Valentine's Day started in shock, then her face twisted into utter rage. "Grr, you _bitch!_ " she howled. Bending her knees, the young woman leaped into the air… and never came down. Instead, she just kept going _up,_ and _up,_ and up some more. "You'll pay for that!"

"Everyone who still wants to be a decent person and protect Vivi, follow me!" shouted Miss Monday, and as Miss Valentine's Day continued to rise, the muscle-builder dashed as hard as she could to the side of the ship that faced the same way the Straw Hats had entered the jungle. As the other agents watched on, flabbergasted, she stepped up onto the railing with one foot, then kicked off and fell through the air, splashing into the river. A second passed before she surfaced, and with powerful strokes, she made her way quickly to the riverbank.

"Agreed!" roared Igaram, who was already jumping in the air before she'd finished talking.

"...Damn it!" howled Miss Valentine's Day. "They escaped into the river! I can't land on her there!"

One by one, the Baroque Works agents stared at each other.

"...Should we follow them?" one asked hesitantly.

"I don't know…" a friend answered, rubbing his face in his stress.

"Oh, GODDAMMIT!" someone howled, and the agents all glanced around in surprise, before their eyes fell on Mr. 9 and they realized it had been his shout. This was met with understandable disbelief. He'd always been known to be a very non-outspoken man, quiet except whenever the subject of royalty came up in the conversation. Besides that, he was also quite the superstitious and nervous young man. So seeing him clenching his fists and running out to follow Miss Monday was quite the source of disbelief for many of the agents. "YOU BETTER THANK ME FOR THIS, MISS MONDAY!" bellowed Mr. 9, and as the agents watched in a bit of a stupor, he dived off the side of the ship right after Miss Monday and Igaram.

"...Well, shit, we can't let Mr. 9 show us up," said a black-haired man with tan skin, a pure red t-shirt, and khaki pants.

A white-haired agent carrying a pair of tonfa sweatdropped. "Yeah, that would be just embarrassing…"

"FOR VIVI!" someone shouted, and as Mr. 5 stumbled to his feet beyond the hole in the storage room wall, a rallying cry rose up from both brigantines.

" _FOR VIVI!_ "

Almost twenty-five agents promptly ran to the edge of the ship and dived off of it, leaving nearly half of their friends behind. Nervous to chase down their friends, the betraying agents hesitated, waiting for Mr. 5's orders. At last, the man seemed to realize this as he stepped through the hole, and he slammed his fists together, creating an explosion on the impact of this. "WELL!?" he demanded furiously, voice dripping with sarcasm. "LET'S ALL JUST STAND AROUND AND WAIT FOR THOSE IDIOTS TO ESCAPE AND TELL THE STRAW HATS ABOUT US!"

"Oh, okay," someone said dumbly, and from her perch floating up in the sky, Miss Valentine's Day groaned loudly.

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me!" she grumbled as Mr. 5's eye twitched.

"We just _had_ to get stuck with the _stupid_ ones, didn't we," he growled. When the agents still didn't respond, and instead simply stood looking at each other, blinking, he shouted, " _IT WAS SARCASM! NOW MOVE YOUR ASSES AND GET THEM!_ "

"Y-Yes, sir!" the agents gulped, and promptly followed their cohorts over the edges of the ships.

Mr. 5 facepalmed. "They _do_ realize they could've simply lowered the gangplanks, right?" he groaned to no one in particular. "Oh, man, this'll be a mess…"

~o~

 **Elsewhere on Little Garden…**

Footsteps echoed through the jungle, along with the humming of an old children's tune. The sound of someone munching on some soft snack rose into the beautiful area as well, and a second later, two people emerged into a clearing, carrying large baskets of bananas on their backs and holding one each.

The first person was a tall man with even taller, black hair that somehow formed itself into the shape of the number three. He also wore goggles with dark blue straps to conceal his eyes, and his face was wrinkled with his increasing age. Even so, he was lean and built like a fighter, clearly someone not to be trifled with despite his rather conspicuous blue-and-white pin-striped shirt and combat khakis.

The little girl beside him was much less conspicuous, and appeared fairly normal save for her face, the expression on which never showed any sign of emotion. She would probably be the best poker player this side of the West Blue if she set her mind to it. On her head sat a tall, pink hat, underneath which twin red pigtails poked out. She wore a gold necklace, and a long-sleeved shirt that depicted clouds in the light blue sky, the bottom of which hung over a maroon skirt that went well with her hair and hat. The kid's cheeks appeared to be eternally adorned with pink blush circles. Blue-and-white striped long socks ran up the majority of her legs nearly to her knees, and pink tennis shoes protected her feet.

"These bananas are good, aren't they, Miss Goldenweek?" laughed the man with the number-shaped hair. "How lucky were we to find a cave with piles upon piles of them!? I was worried that we'd run out of food during our visit here, but this should last us clear past when we capture that stupid Straw Hat that Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine's Day called us to help capture! We might even have enough to last us 'til Rainbase!"

"You were the cause of our short food supplies, Mr. 3," Miss Goldenweek said flatly, her face remaining otherwise stagnant as she chewed her banana casually.

Her partner blinked and paused as they continued to walk down the clearing. "Ah. You're right! Well, no matter; no harm could possibly come from taking those conveniently placed bananas! I checked and double-checked, and there were no animals in the vicinity, nor were there any signs of humans living in the cave, so we should be perfectly fine."

"If you just jinxed us, I will paint you entirely in pink and shoot you from a canon," Miss Goldenweek deadpanned.

"...You know, I can never tell if you're being serious or you're just joking," said Mr. 3 with a sweatdrop and a suspicious look at his partner, "and that's kind of annoying."

"And I have to put up with you all day."

"What does that have to do with…" As the two agents re-entered the jungle on the other side of the clearing, the man with the pin-striped shirt stiffened. "Oi! I am _not_ annoying!"

"Are too." The girl, done with her banana, tossed the peel behind her uncaringly and stole another banana from Mr. 3's basket. This done, she peeled her prize and took her first bite of the delicious fruit.

"I am not, you little rascal! You want annoying? I'll sing you the entirety of that new song by Dustin Bieber, ' _Baby Transponder Snail_!'"

Their bickering (or, in Goldenweek's case, flat accusations), faded into the din of the jungle, live with the roars and calls of thousands of dinosaurs. Not once did either of them look behind them, which was a large mistake. If they _had_ looked back, they might have seen the large, shadowed, ape-like shape stalking through the tall trees and dense foliage. They might have seen the piercing yellow eyes fixed hatefully on the stolen baskets of bananas strapped to their backs. And maybe, _just_ maybe, if they had slowed down and strained their ears, they might have heard the soft chanting that the creature growled out as he stomped through the leaves and bushes on their trail:

 _"_ _DK…"_

 _"_ _Donkey Kong…"_

 _"_ _DK…"_

 _"_ _Donkey Kong is HERE!"_


	20. The Little Garden Incident, Part 2

**A/N:** Okay, I lied again! Very sorry, very sorry, but this actually doesn't conclude Little Garden. This whole arc is taking much longer than anticipated to write, and I really want to have the whole battle sequence in one big chapter, so I decided to post this separately. If everything goes according to plan, then I should have not two, but three Little Garden chapters in total. Let's pray to God that this is the last time I have to lie about this. As always, if you want to help me out in commissioning artwork, please donate to my Patre0n at /TheRealEvanSG! I would very much appreciate it. And if you want to take part in this story's community discussion, hop on over to Spacebattles, join if you haven't already, and find my story under the Creative Writing Archive!

* * *

Chapter 17: The Little Garden Incident, Part 2

I woke up more well-rested than I'd been in a long time. My body felt nice and relaxed, peaceful and fully awake. I lay on the warm, leaf-covered earth for some time, just basking in the hot Grand Line sun, the roars of dinosaurs and distant sounds of two enormous, fighting people converging into a beautiful song of nature…

…

Waaaaaait a minute.

My eyes shot open and I sat up, straighter than a board. Beside me, Nojiko and King Kong still lay asleep. The stench that had hung in the air after the ancient valerian had been crushed was now gone, and in place of it, much of the ground around us was wet and muddy, except for where we'd laid. I blinked at that; had I succeeded in clearing the air around us at the last moment?

Speaking of which, how much time had passed?

Gulping, I reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out my Nokia smartphone. I clicked the power button and the screen blinked on, blaring the time out at me, and I sighed in relief. Only about fifteen minutes had passed. Looking back up, I stared at the brigantines which I hadn't yet gotten the chance to name, and gulped; nobody was still on either, even though I was sure that I'd seen Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine come out of the storage room of one of them before the ancient valerian hit me.

"Nojiko, King Kong!" I hissed, turning to them and summoning some water to splash over their heads. "Get up! We've got trouble!"

Nojiko groaned groggily, sitting up and glaring at me through sleepy eyes. My lips turned up in a little grin at that; she looked pretty cute when she was waking up.

"What is it, you little shit?" she groaned, yawning.

King Kong rolled over, rubbing his yellow monkey eyes blearily. "Yeah, just give us five more minutes…" he signed spitefully.

The air now stank somewhat like wet monkey, but I waved my hand, and my two partners in crime instantly dried, eradicating the stench. I pointed to the ships and said, "Look there: No one's on the brigantines anymore, and I definitely saw Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine come up from the storage room of one earlier. Now, the way I see it, the only reasons they would've hid out on the brigantines would be to either capture everyone, or knowing they're not powerful enough to take us all on directly, split up the agents and get a small army backing them up."

Nojiko's eyes widened, and she stood up, fully awake now. "Crap!" she hissed, glancing through the tangled vines and prehistoric trees of the crustacean jungle. "How much time has…?"

"Fifteen minutes," I supplied quickly, cutting her off. "Already checked that."

King Kong's ears twitched, and he sniffed the air. Then he perked up, and jumped in front of us, stamping his foot and pointing into the jungle. "I can still smell and hear them!" he signed hurriedly. "They're this way. Follow me!" His tail flicked back and forth as he promptly leaped into the jungle and bounced off the trees.

Nojiko and I exchanged shrugs, then took off after him.

The jungle grew extremely dense very quickly, and it was tough to see King through the dangling vines and encroaching foliage. Nojiko cut through any protruding branches or particularly annoying vines with her scythe like they were paper so that they wouldn't get in our way. We tried to be as quiet as possible in case the Baroque Works group was nearby, but that's kind of hard to do when one is hurrying through an entangled, prehistoric jungle. As we ran, a nearby roar rumbled through the air, and the bluenette and I skidded to a stop.

"That sounded really close," I said, concerned. "What was that? Some kind of dinosaur?"

"Um… that sounded more like an ape to me, or maybe some kind of gorilla, but I don't know," said Nojiko, equally worried. "I didn't think that primates existed on those levels back then."

At that moment, a giant T-rex, red and scaly and utterly terrifying, burst out of the trees to our right. Its tiny, Trump-sized front paws wiggled uselessly as it growled at us. We jumped and swiveled around, holding our weapons up at the ready for protection. It pawed the ground at its feet, sniffed the air, then bent towards us and roared so loudly that it felt like my eardrums would burst. I winced and flinched back from the din, but noted that it didn't sound much like the previous roar at all. It sounded more ancient, more… _old_.

"You ready to turn this thing into mincemeat?" grunted Nojiko, hoisting her scythe in one hand and spinning it crazily around before pointing its grip at the T-rex, blade-first.

I glanced from her wickedly sharp scythe to my nunchucks, then up to our challenger's painful-looking teeth that could probably pierce through a small tree. After a pause, my eyes fell back on my black Drunken iron nunchucks with their flame design, and they suddenly seemed a lot less impressive despite half of them being made of what was basically seastone. "Um," I said with a blink and a sweatdrop, "somehow I don't think I have weapons that would be very conducive to this sort of fight, but… sure?"

"Suck it up, buttercup!" my friend snorted, smirking at me, and promptly leaped into action. She charged straight at the huge, sickly red dinosaur towering at least three or four feet over us. Her hands moved in such fast motions I could hardly keep up with them, spinning her scythe in impressively quick circles around her so that it seemed like a dark red blur. Even the T-rex seemed taken aback by the sudden movements; its eyes widened and it scrambled backwards into a tree to avoid turning into a lizard shish-kabob.

Feeling a hell of a lot like that 1% of people who bring knives to a gunfight, I reluctantly followed after Nojiko. Holding both 'chucks on the same side of my body, I skirted around to the other side of the ancient beast so that we could flank it. I was extremely nervous that this would mean that Nojiko might have a bit of a harder time protecting me in case I messed up or something. For some reason I'd failed to think to bring a barrel of water with me when we'd left the _Going Merry_ , so I was depending almost solely on my own fighting skill right now, and that didn't exactly instill a whole lot of confidence within me.

The T-rex, perhaps sensing my trepidation or that I was the weaker link in this chain, decided to ignore Nojiko. Instead, it turned its black, beady eyes at me, and I gulped a big lump down my much drier throat.

"N-Nojiko?" I said, gritting my teeth as I backed up slowly. My voice cracked a little in my nervousness. "I could use a little backup!"

"Right! Why don't you take some of _this?_ "

Like an utter boss, Nojiko leaped towards a nearby tree, kicked off it to gain even more height, and twisted her body to face the dino again. Then she spun around to earn herself a crazy amount of momentum and somehow avoided accidentally stabbing herself. As she fell through the air, she flicked her scythe arm out, and the blade of the massive weapon bit into the T-rex's neck scales… or it tried to, at least. Instead, however, the scythe bounced harmlessly off without even making so much as a scratch. The resulting force threw off Nojiko's fall, and she slammed belly-first into the ground, rolling several feet before scrambling to a stand, confusion etched onto her face.

"What the hell?" she gasped, eyes wide. "That should have killed it, but it felt like this thing's scales were iron…"

Pausing, the huge beast turned its beady gaze on her, studied her for a bit, and at last growled hard enough to hurt my ears before turning back to me. Its back foot pawed at the ground a bit, and then it blasted forward with a roar. It leaned its head back and bit down at me.

"EVAN!" gasped Nojiko. She stuck her scythe back in its place on her back, then reached under her shirt and pulled out her miniature machine gun and cocked it. Unloading a spray of bullets upon the the prehistoric beast baring down at me, the bluenette growled desperately, but all of the ammunition pinged uselessly off its iron-like scales.

"It's useless!" I shouted, backpedaling away from the bite and narrowly missing it. A bullet whizzed an inch past my face. I paled considerably at the near miss. "Stop that already; you're just gonna end up hitting me instead of it!'

"S-Sorry!"

A vine creaked somewhere, and then King Kong came swinging out of the forest canopy back at us. He dropped down to the ground and assessed the situation. "Let me help!" he signed, glaring at the dinosaur attempting to make me its dinner.

"No, you won't be able to hurt it! This thing's got scales like iron! Besides, I've got a plan."

Nojiko straightened her back, and her eyebrows creased. "That slightly worries me."

A distance of only five feet stretched between the T-rex and me now. It towered over me, its shadow completely enveloping me, and a cold nervousness grasped my heart, but I didn't back down. Annoyed by all of this stuff going on around it, the monstrous lizard blasted forward again and leaned down to snatch me up in its jaws, just like before; this time, however, I was expecting it. I dashed forward, too, and the moment before it turned me into a light snack, I hit the ground, a baseball player sliding into home. Its teeth passed over me by a hair; I was so close that I could smell its disgusting breath, a mixture of dried meat and blood.

The dinosaur's momentum carried it past me. I slid all the way under its huge body and probably got some serious grass marks on the seat of my jeans. The moment I came out under its tail, I scrambled to my feet and turned around, planting my feet firmly on the ground. My lizard-like opponent seemed confused by my actions, bending down and looking for me on the ground. Its back was right before me, and I allowed myself a badass smirk. Muscles tensed, foot sliding back, I dashed forward several steps before bending my knees and leaping into the air.

"What the… what is he doing…?" I heard Nojiko mumble in confused awe behind me.

I slammed stomach-first into its back, and the air was briefly knocked out of me. My unwilling ride roared at the sudden weight upon its iron scales, and backed up. Taking a deep, pained breath, I found some handholds on its scales and scrambled up its back to its neck, and then wrapped one arm around said body part, holding a nunchaku while doing so. I reached around the other side of its neck with my free arm, swung the other half of the nunchaku up to grab it, and winced at the sudden rush of physical weakness I suffered from the "seairon." I shook my head and did my best to ignore it, instead sitting up fully on its back.

"He's… he's riding a T-rex…" signed King, eyes popping out of his head.

Nojiko's jaw dropped. "Oh, come on, there's no _way_ this will work."

"Gee, thanks for your crushing confidence!" I grunted sarcastically and tried not to bite my tongue. The T-rex was clearly _not_ happy to be my horse, as it bucked around and flung me about harder than a bronco. My nunchaku kept me on it, however, no matter how much air I suddenly gained from its bucking. "Whoa, whoa, Rex, calm down!" I gulped, very glad I had never suffered much from motion sickness except for that storm before Reverse Mountain.

"Oh, come on, you _named the fucking T-rex_ REX!?" griped Nojiko, sounding like she very much wanted to introduce her head to the nearest tree repeatedly.

"Uhhh… maybe?" I shouted back, desperately keeping my grasp on both halves of my nunchaku. My body flung up into the air again as Rex leaned forward, then back in one quick motion, and my stomach had the disturbing feeling of not being in my stomach at all. "WHOA!" I cried out. Unfortunately, the landing I made on coming back down was… not so smooth.

"O-Owww," I moaned pitifully, back slumping as my crotch ached _again_. My voice was about three octaves higher, and tears pooled in my eyes, but I somehow managed to keep my grip on my nunchaku. "Come _onnnn_ … two nutshots in as many chapters? _Not fucking fair!_ "

Nojiko, King Kong, and even the T-rex flinched.

"Even _I_ felt that one," gasped Nojiko, face pale, with a stricken King Kong nodding beside her.

The T-rex grunted something, and King Kong blinked before translating with his hands. "Minus all the… sailor-worthy cursing, he says he didn't mean to do that to you, and commends your ability to remain hanging on even despite that."

"Thanks!" I squeaked, swallowing a small scream of pain. My teary eyes fell back on Rex. "Think you could admit I'm your master now?"

Another growl followed, albeit one much less nasty and much more apologetic.

"Uhh… he says that in return for accidentally causing you pain no man should feel, he'll let you ride him for today and today only…?" signed King Kong with an uncertain raise of his eyebrow.

"I'd say it was worth it," I hissed, blinking, "but… _no_. No, it most definitely was not."

Our resident strategist's flat stare rotated between us for a few seconds, and then she rolled her eyes. "You know, I don't even want to know what you two are talking about."

When I was finally feeling normal again, I released my left hand long enough to pat the dinosaur's back. "Well, anyway hop on Rex, you guys!" I then leaned up to speak in Rex's ear, reaffirming my grip on my nunchaku. "Hey, buddy, we're going after some guys who look really weird and slightly wimpy. Think you could take us to them if my partner here, King, tells you the way?"

The T-rex reared its head back and roared victoriously. I glanced over at King for a translation, who sweatdropped and signed, "He says, _Of course I can, you moron_!... just with a whole lot more swears."

"Fantastic!" I would've clapped, but that probably would've made me fall off his back. "Alright, what are you two waiting for!? Climb on! We've got ourselves a dino steed who can hopefully get us across the island fast enough to stop 5 and Valentine, and to stop 3 from turning our friends into statues with his Extra Big Candle Set!"

Nojiko and King Kong stared at each other with flat faces for a second, before sighing and reluctantly climbing on Rex's back behind me, Nojiko wrapping her arms around me to hold on, and the vervet monkey holding on tightly to my shoulder. King chirruped something, and the dinosaur roared in response. He then turned a full one-eighty degrees and blasted off into the dense jungle.

"Alright!" I cheered, grinning wildly at the sheer _zaniness_ and _awesomeness_ of the situation. "FOR NARNIA!"

"FOR NARNIA!" echoed Nojiko by reflex, before pausing and blinking. "...Wait, what's Narnia?"

"...My dear Nojiko, you have much to learn."

~o~

 **Elsewhere on Little Garden**

Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek's bickering continued into the jungle for many feet, the two trading verbal blows as easily as family. Several more bananas had been eaten since their first appearance, and their peels now lay behind the two in a Hansel and Gretel-esque trail. However, as their bickering continued, 3 suddenly froze and fell silent. He tilted his head to the side and stuck a finger in it curiously, wiggling it around in there for a few seconds.

"What is it?" Goldenweek asked flatly, her voice betraying no emotion.

Her elder partner frowned, tilting his head to the side again. "Do you hear that voice? It sounds echoey, and… like an old woman, kind of."

"Huh?" Confusion flashed across the young girl's face for a moment as she looked around the jungle for the source of any voice. No one was in sight, however, and her eyebrow raised. "Are you certain you're sober? There's no one around, and I don't hear anything."

"I haven't had any drinks…" mused 3, tilting his head again and frowning deeper. "But it's there, in my head. It's… telling me to…" There was another pause, in which Miss Goldenweek's face grew increasingly cautious, and then at last the rectangular-faced waxman stepped off in a new direction through the direction. "Follow me, Miss Goldenweek. We have new orders."

The girl frowned, uncertain and slightly concerned for the man walking off. Against her better judgement, she followed. "What orders?" Her partner, however, remained silent as they fought through the prehistoric jungle. She repeated the question, more concerned now; 3 always answered her questions, even when they were rhetoric, but he still did not answer. Several minutes they spent meandering through the dense foliage, until at last Mr. 3 froze, slid behind a tree, and rose a hand to tell her to do the same.

"What's going on with you?" she asked, her pitch rising a bit in her concern, but the older man shushed her.

"Quiet. Look there, and just listen. It's what the voice is saying to do."

The girl wanted to ask why he was listening to this mysterious, unknown voice, but from his previous actions, she guessed he wouldn't answer. One of his fingers pointed past the tree, and Miss Goldenweek's eyes followed its path to find what looked like several of the pirates from the Unluckies' drawings fighting/taming a T-rex. Her eyes widened, though the rest of her face did not change, and she watched them intently.

One of them, a young man looking about eighteen years old and around 5'9", sat on the back of a dinosaur, grinning widely. His skin was remarkably pale, and only barely had a tan complexion. His eyes were a smooth, kind hazel, and his hair was dark brown. He wore a pair of grey sneakers in a model that Miss Goldenweek had never seen before, a sea green shirt with the _CRIMINAL_ brand name stenciled on the front, and dark denim jeans, as well as an admittedly very cool leather bomber's jacket. The criminal agent recognized him from the Unluckies' picture.

"Fantastic!" said the pirate, grinning widely at his two friends, the Tattooed Rogue and a white-furred monkey. "Alright, what are you two waiting for!? Climb on! We've got ourselves a dino steed who can hopefully get us across the island fast enough to stop 5 and Valentine, and to stop 3 from turning our friends into statues with his Extra Big Candle Set!"

The Mr. 3 pair's eyes shot open in surprise.

"They know about your powers?" gasped Goldenweek, surprised for the first time in her life. "That shouldn't be possible! Miss Wednesday never knew the full extent of your abilities, and they should have no contacts that do!"

"It's impossible…!" Mr. 3 exclaimed in a hushed voice as the three pirates sped off on the dinosaur. "And the way he spoke about our plans, which only you and I know, as if he knew they were going to happen… the only way he could know about that is if he knew… the future…" He fell quiet for a moment, and tilted his head. Miss Goldenweek turned worried eyes on him, even as his face twisted into a set smirk. "Ah, I see. That young man must be captured at all costs, or else the agency's plans could be thrown off altogether."

"Who is this voice you're listening to!?" growled Goldenweek at last, tired of him ignoring her. "Tell me already!"

"She's…" The man in the pin-striped suit frowned again, and once more stuck his finger in his ear like he was tuning a radio. But whatever she was, Miss Goldenweek never got to find out, because at that moment, a low rumble from almost right behind them rose into the air, and the two partners slowly turned around to find a massive gorilla looming dangerously over them, face shadowed by the jungle canopy.

"...3?" Goldenweek squeaked, all façades of an apathetic little girl melting away at the sight of the _very large_ and _very angry_ gorilla literally blowing steam from its nostrils. "W-What do we do?"

"Uhhh…" For a moment, Mr. 3's face paled and he didn't respond. Then he blinked and set his cold smirk back on his lips, raising his hands. "Candle Lock!"

Wax seeped out of his arms, covering them, and then flowing through the air at the massive gorilla. It snorted in surprise, and raised its hands protectively in front of its face. The white wax coiled around its arms, locking them together, but instead of fear, only annoyance flashed through the primate's eyes. It growled, narrowed its eyes, and clenched its fists. Quite suddenly, a massive explosion imploded the wax lock, causing both Mr. 3's and Miss Goldenweek's jaws to drop in tandem.

"I-It exploded my wax!?" gasped Mr. 3 in pure astonishment, backing up quickly against the tree as the gorilla glared with an evil passion at him. "T-That should be i-impossible! Unless it ate some kind of D-Devil Fruit…"

"The Blast-Blast Fruit," supplied the gorilla, and both Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek squealed in shock. "It allows me to turn any inanimate object into a bomb, and I'm immune to injury from my own explosions."

"A T-TALKING GORILLA!?" howled Goldenweek, eyes popping out of her head. "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?"

"Because…" The gorilla took a couple steps forward into the light, and the pair at last saw its face… a very familiar face that they had seen many times until the last year in the papers. It reached down and picked up two of the banana peels that the criminal pair had tossed away, then smashed its fists together, the peels connecting and exploding upon impact. "I AM A BADASS! NOW GIVE ME BACK MY BANANAS!"

"GYAAAAAAH!" screamed Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek, and they promptly tore off into the forest in the direction that the pale pirate and his friends had left in. "Please don't eat us, 'Banana Bomber' Donkey Kong!"

The gorilla stared at them flatly as they ran away, screaming and flailing their arms like wimps. "...I only want to eat bananas, not people..." Donkey Kong said quietly, sweatdropping.

~o~

 **Still** _ **Elsewhere**_ **on Little Garden**

Nami had seen her fair share of huge things lately: Huge mountains, huge Sea Kings, huge whales… but even this list did not prepare her for the giants.

It was quite humbling, being in the presence of such _massive_ people. Their hands were longer than she was tall, and even sitting down, the giants easily towered over the jungle canopy. Their laughter was so loud it sounded like volcano explosions, something she could attest to due to having heard Little Garden's volcano. When their fists struck the earth in their mirth, the entire ground rumbled. Nami felt small and insignificant compared to these gigantic _beings_ , like an ant staring up at a human.

At least they seemed to like Luffy and Usopp, and by extension, the rest of the crew.

It was with enormous trepidation and reluctance that Nami sat with Luffy, Usopp, Vivi, and Carue alongside Dorry and Brogy, the two giants who had made this island their battleground for the past hundred years. Dorry was the taller of the two, although even his friend was enormous. He had a more ovular face than his fellow giant, and one long, scraggly beard that… didn't exactly _flow_ down his chest and stomach so much as it _dangled_. Nami felt like it was large enough to be unironically used as a ropes course. His skin was as wrinkled and dusty as Brogy's; they clearly had no qualms about personal unhygiene, so to speak, especially if that smell of… pieces of rotting dinosaur meat?... that came off their beards was anything to go by.

Brogy, on the other hand, was shorter, stouter, and more… rotund than his hundred-year opponent. He had a twinkle in his eye that at the same time, somehow, both warmed Nami's heart and made her intensely concerned for her safety. He felt like a bigger version of Usopp; prone to pranks, perhaps, and extremely prone to long and loud bouts of storytelling. The only thing that really separated them was that Brogy was… well, Nami wouldn't go so far as to label them _brave_ , even if the other boys would; stupid fit the bill more in her books. But the lack of cowardice was definitely prevalent in both him and Dorry. One other thing that set Brogy apart from Dorry was the fact that the former's beard was a kind of dirty blonde and trimmed to a manageable length, whereas the latter's was a mucky grayish-brown. His laugh was also louder than Dorry's. This fact could probably be attributed to his body structure; he looked like he could eat about ten times what Luffy could, if Nami were a gambling woman (oh wait, she definitely _was_ ), and guys with that sort of frame always had a booming voice.

Said booming voice was currently blowing her hair back crazily from the sheer force of the words vibrating the air. Or maybe it was just crazy Grand Line wind; with this ocean, Nami didn't think she could ever be sure of anything again.

"So, you little people are off to Alabasta, are you?" Brogy boomed. His hand clenched into a fist and he struck the ground, staring off into the distance fondly as if remembering some past event. "Man, I still remember our first voyage onto those shitty deserts! Dorry kept stepping on cactus and getting them buried in his feet like splinters!"

Said pirate looked at his old acquaintance with a mock-scandalized glare. "Oi, you bastard! That was _you_! I still have a scar on my pinky from pulling one of those things out of your foot!"

"Holy crap, they act like cacti are just mere splinters," gasped Usopp, staring so intently at their conversation that Nami wouldn't be surprised if his eyes suddenly popped out of their sockets. "That's so cool…!"

"I was wondering," called Vivi up to the looming giants, "if you knew how long it takes a Log Pose to reset on this island? We need to hurry to Alabasta as soon as possible in order to save it from a civil war."

Dorry and Brogy exchanged somber frowns.

"Civil war, huh?" Dorry echoed, the wrinkles on his cheeks becoming more prominent. "That's too bad, it really is. We used to have some great drinking buddies in Alabasta."

"How does that not surprise me…?" Nami muttered to herself, Carue squawking in exhausted agreement beside her.

Luffy just grinned and crossed his hands behind his head. "Shishishi! That's cool! Don't worry, old man, we'll definitely save your drinking buddies' country!"

"Is that so?" laughed Brogy, smiling widely. "I don't doubt that, little human! You've got some serious spunk in ya! I like it. Well, to answer the kind princess's question, it takes one full year to reset a Log. 'Course, that's kind of a moot point if ya have an Eternal Pose on ya, since ya wouldn't have to spend even a second of that sitting around."

"An Eternal Pose…?" Vivi hummed, tilting her head blankly for a moment.

Luffy frowned and stuck a finger in his ear, genuinely confused. "Echo?"

Nami and Usopp, however, froze, and _sloooowly_ turned to stare flatly at Vivi.

"Don't tell me," the ginger intoned, realization dawning on her. "You had one on you _this entire time!?_ "

"Um… I miiiiight've forgotten?"

"DAMN IT, PRINCESS, YOU HAD _ONE JOB_!"

Carue facepalmed, and Usopp sighed despondently. "This is gonna be a running gag, isn't it?" he asked with little to no emotion in his voice. The Supersonic Duck could only nod in confirmation.

"I'msorryI'msorry," moaned Vivi miserably even as Nami shook the poor princess roughly in her rage.

"WHY ARE WE EVEN WASTING TIME HERE? WE COULD BE EN ROUTE TO MONEY RIGHT NOW!"  
"Umm…" Showing a rare moment of bravery, Usopp raised an unsteady hand. "Don't you mean Alabasta?"

A fiery glare was turned upon him, and as quickly as if he'd never raised it in the first place, his hand shot down to his side. "Right, right, how impertinent of me, money it is."

Luffy just leaned back on the log he was sitting on and laughed his stupid, charismatic laugh. "Shishishi! Well, it was nice to meet you two huge, old guys, but I guess we'd better be heading off now!" he said happily. He cracked his back and then rose to a stand. His grin was so bright Nami couldn't look directly at it for fear of blindness. "Come on you guys, let's go set sail and save Vivi's country!"

"Alright, we'll return to the ship and wait for Zoro, Sanji, and the others to get back from whatever the hell they're doing," Nami agreed tiredly. Her hands relaxed, and the resident princess, freed from her head-rolling shaking, collapsed to her knees dizzily. "Lead the way, Captain."

"I-I'm the Great Captain Usopp," said the Great Captain Usopp quietly from the sidelines, and was promptly ignored.

Luffy, Vivi, Nami, Usopp, and Carue got to their feet and stretched, their backs creaking with various strengths. Usopp rolled had to roll his neck around, too, since it was feeling a little stiff.

"Thanks for the cool stories, old, huge guys!" Luffy called with a wave as the crew present started to head off.

"Any time, small human!" returned Dorry with a twinkle in his eye. His gaze shifted towards the volcano, and his muscles tensed. "Our next battle should be starting soon, Brogy. Are you ready for me to kick your ass at last?"

"Please," sniffed Brogy, grinning. "As if you could ever hope to beat me. I'll be the one to finally win!"

Vivi remained staring up at them as she rode on Carue, who trotted slowly to keep pace with the others. "Their attitudes seem… rather familiar, don't they?"

Nami opened her mouth to respond, but she never got to. At that very moment, the bushes and some of the branches of the trees on the edge of their clearing shook, and a second later, a horde of ex-Baroque Works agents exploded out of the jungle, shouting and screaming and generally looking very terrified. A black guy with an admittedly cool afro, and a woman in a yellow sundress followed them closely on their heels, growling angrily. The three Straw Hats and their two guests froze and gazed, flabbergasted, at the sight.

"What… why are they running this way?" Nami asked, tilting her head, her face etched with confusion. "And who are those two behind them?"

"Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine…" supplied Vivi, pale. "How did they… when did they…?"

"What are they even all running from anyway!?" demanded Usopp.

His answer came a second later, when the bushes shook again and the roar of what sounded like a T-rex blasted through the air. Following this, the very animal in question stomped out of the foliage like a wrecking ball, red scales gleaming in the sunlight. Nami blinked at that; she hadn't thought that T-rexes _had_ scales, but maybe this was a different species of them? In any case, as her jaw slowly dropped, her eyes happened to stray up its neck, and what she saw there completely and utterly stupefied her.

Evan, Nojiko, and King Kong. Riding the T-rex like a bronco. The former pirate, his dark brown hair ruffling in the breeze, even had his arm up in the air and had taken his jacket off. Instead of wearing said leather jacket like a normal person, the teen had for some reason thought it would be a good idea to whip it around above his head like a lasso. Every step the monstrous dinosaur took shook the entire clearing.

"WOOOOO-HOOOO!" yelled Evan ecstatically, a wide grin plastered across his face even as Nojiko and King Kong clutched to him like he was their only lifeline, terrified and pale.

"WE ARE NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN!" declared Nojiko, teeth clenched and eyes wide. "YOU HEAR ME, EVAN!? _NEVER! AGAIN!_ "

"Did… did they just ride in on a _T-rex_!?" demanded Vivi, her jaw literally touching the floor.

"THAT'S SO COOL!" gasped Luffy. He was so ridiculously amazed by these outrageous circumstances that gleeful tears streamed from his eyes, he shook his fists in complete approval, and his utter jealousy actually radiated from him in a bright, golden glow.

Nami was feeling _very_ antsy now, and she opened her mouth, but was cut off by yet another shake of the jungle. The next moment, what looked like a man with the flaming number 3 for hair hauled ass into the clearing, tears streaming from his face. He stood in a huge, robot-like suit, white, enormous, and bulky, and in one of the statue's glove like hands, he desperately held up a little girl in a cute, pink dress and hat, who looked equally as terrified as everyone except Evan.

"M-Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek just came out of the jungle!?" gasped Vivi, hands now desperately gripping at her hair. "How did they get here!?"

Luffy's head spun at the sight of Mr. 3's battle suit. "Whoaaaa! THAT'S SO COOL, TOO!"

Usopp's head whirled around at the resident blue-haired princess. "Wait, you mean to say that both the Mr. 5 and Mr. 3 pairs are here at the same time!? Oh, no, we're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna dieeee!"

At last, Nami's rage was far beyond boiling point.

"Grkgghgjk… I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" she snapped at last, and one piping mad foot stomped with all the fury of a fifty-foot giant into the ground. In her utter exasperation, an aura of red fire radiated from her head, and the navigator's irises turned momentarily to the color of flames. "CAN EVERYONE JUST CHILL OUT FOR _TWO SECONDS_ BEFORE SOMETHING _CRAZY_ HAPPENS AGAIN!?"

Luffy giggled at his crew member, clearly enjoying all of this immensely. "Shishishi! You're funny!"

"Scary, too…" whimpered Usopp, who definitely wasn't hiding behind a very confused Vivi.

Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine continued chasing the other Baroque Works's agents, and behind them, Evan, Nojiko, King Kong, and the… ( _Control yourself, Nami_ , the poor navigator whispered to herself)... _T-rex_ continued to chase _them_ , while the Number Agent in the battlesuit continued to chase all of the above.

The bushes shook again.

"Oh, god _dammit_ ," groaned Nami, slumping to the ground and slapping her forehead.

Chuckling awkwardly, Vivi placed a very confused, but attempting-to-be-reassuring hand on the poor girl's shoulder. "Hey, cheer up. At least it was two seconds."

The bushes shook a second time, and an explosion echoed throughout the clearing—an explosion that punched a large hole through the foliage, and whose black smoke was quickly blown away by the breeze that was picking up. Once the smoke was gone, out stepped an enormous gorilla with rage and revenge gleaming in his eyes.

"..."

"Uh, Nami?" uttered Vivi helplessly, watching the frozen navigator with no small amount of concern. The redhead made absolutely zero movements for several very long seconds, simply staring at the unbelievable chase scene spread out before the pirates and giants. At last, Nami's mouth opened and closed a couple times like a fish's. She attempted to say something, but the words strangled and died in her throat.

Then, finally, the completely broken navigator, face shadowed, opened her fists and placed her palms flat on the ground, bent forward, and roughly started smashing her forehead against the ground.

This was going to be a fucking _headache_ , Nami just _knew_ it.


	21. The Little Garden Incident, Finale

**A/N:** I have two very important announcements to make before I start this chapter — 1) we have finally hit 200 reviews, and 2) we have received our first donor on Patre0n! Thank you very much to WingsOfLang, who donated a truly whopping $50 to the production of this story, and who now has backstage access to the writing of this story, amongst other awesome rewards. And a major thanks to all of you for continuing to support this story throughout its many long chapters! All of you are incredible and I'm extremely grateful to each and everyone of you.

Thanks again to The Patient One, who has been extremely helpful in the formation of the DK Crew as described in the below chapter, and to ShadowMeister, who has helped me to set up a plot of Little Garden as a whole. Both of you have immense gratitude from me for your help in the creation of this story.

Alright, enough of that! I may be fifty bucks richer, but not due to any ownership of _One Piece_ , because all rights to it go to the man, the myth, the legend: Eiichiro Oda. So let's get started with this final installment of the Little Garden Arc!

* * *

Chapter 18: The Little Garden Incident, Finale

Riding through the prehistoric jungle into battle on a T-rex with a monkey on my shoulder, an adaptive fighter-style girl clutching my shirt, and being chased by a waxman, a paint-wielding hypnotist, and a bomber gorilla who also apparently was my partner's past captain, I gleefully hollered at my pirate crew and the giants who stood flabbergasted behind them, "We've got company!"

Man, I _loved_ the fact that, through whatever messed up logic existed in this universe, I'd gotten to say that sentence.

"…You know, Dorry," intoned Brogy, the shorter and fatter of the two giants, jaw slackened, "we've spent _hundreds_ of years in Paradise and the New World, and I can confidently say this is the first time I've ever seen something like this."

"I dunno, Brogy," Dorry, his much taller and long-bearded friend, said. He smirked and hefted his sword in front of him in preparation to help us out. "Remember that time Captain Yarle flew over that elven army on a fire-breathing wyvern, even as he battled a clothman?"

"Alright, that one _is_ fairly similar, and definitely more epic. But do _you_ remember when Captain Yorle rode a flying pig through those upside-down waterfalls with the flying fish Fishmen on his—?"

Thankfully, before their reminiscing could get _too_ insane, the two giants were cut off abruptly with another eruption of the nearby volcano. Magma ran down its side and black smoke billowed into the air. Dorry and Brogy faced each other with matching smirks, then pointed their weapons of choice at the other.

"Sorry, small humans!" Dorry gripped his sword, lifted it far behind his head, and planted his foot firmly on the ground. "We would help out in your battle, but the call of Elbaf compels us to cross our blades once more! Please keep those guys off our backs while we fight; they don't look too friendly!"

"Seconded!" Brogy barked, pawing at the ground with his foot, and so much anticipation welled up inside him that he actually blew steam from his nose. "Now it's time to do what we giants do best…"

" _ **BEATING THE TAR OUT OF EACH OTHER!**_ " they both roared in tandem before axe and sword connected in a terrific blast of manliness.

Luffy grinned widely, then narrowed his eyes at the Number Agents chasing us and in front of us. "Got it, old, huge guys!" His gaze turned to us. "Yo, whatcha doing?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but Mr. 5 chose that moment to be a little shit and flick a booger at me. Luckily, his aim was off since he had to aim backwards while running as fast as he could, so it didn't explode right in my face. Unluckily, it hit Rex, and the kinetic force blasting through the air was still enough to make me lose my grip, which meant that I was flung far off of Rex thanks to both the remaining force and Newton's First Law. Even more unluckily, since King Kong was perched on my shoulder and Nojiko was directly behind me, this meant that I _also_ knocked _them_ off the iron-hard Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Fucking physics, man. Sometimes it seemed like the only reason they existed was to screw us over when we least expected. Kind of like the Spanish Inquuuu, oh, _no way_ was I finishing _that_ demonic summoning just waiting to happen!

While the giants started whaling on each other, Nojiko, King Kong and I crashed painfully into the ground. We bounced and rolled over one another crazily, somehow managing to avoid being stomped on by the frantically running Mr. 3 in his large, wax battle suit. The giant gorilla chasing 3 and Goldenweek, whom King Kong had managed to stop joyfully freaking out about during the chase long enough to inform me was his old captain, Donkey Kong, managed to skirt around us and continue bolting after the Baroque Works agents. I had no idea why he was here, or what exactly he was mad at them for, but I'd decided I wasn't going to question it.

Some things were just better left alone.

"Owowowow," I groaned, chest heaving painfully with the weight of a girl and my monkey partner on top of it. "Nojiko… King… please _get off of me_."

"Sorry," Nojiko said with a sweatdrop as she rolled away. The motion sent King sprawling with an indignant squawk, but she ignored him and got to her feet. Bits of dirt and grass stains clung to her, as well as a few scrapes and smears of blood from being thrown so hard into the grass. Even so, she seemed generally unfazed, and offered me a hand. I accepted it gratefully and heaved myself up onto my feet, noting how small and soft hers felt in mine.

"Yo!" Glancing over in the direction of the shout, I saw Luffy, Nami, Vivi, Usopp, and Carue heading towards me. The speaker had been Luffy, who was also grinning and waving. "So, what're you guys doing? Tag?"

"Idiot!" A swift punch of redheaded navigator fury knocked Luffy flat into the ground. "Didn't you see that explosion or hear Vivi!? Those guys are Baroque Works! We're under attack!"

Luffy, unfettered by Nami's now-smoking fist, got to his feet and straightened his hat. "Oh. Who's the strongest guy?"

"The dude with the flaming three on his head," I said, cracking my knuckles and looking at the surprisingly terrified girl that said agent was holding in his wax hand. "You should avoid the little girl, though; her powers are troublesome. I'll try to take care of her and then Miss Valentine. King Kong, team up with your old captain to take on the guy who played too much Bomberman. Nami, Nojiko, and Usopp, take the mooks."

"Got it!" everyone barked, though King Kong was forced to use sign language to convey his understanding, and headed off to their various opponents.

As Nojiko passed by me, she winked. "Not too bad of a battle strategy," she admitted. "You're still shit at future damage control, though."

I wilted at the unnecessary jab. "Yeah, I know, no need to rub it in."

"What do I do?"

Blinking at the higher and only slightly more regal tone, I looked up to see Vivi frowning at me from upon Carue. She anxiously rubbed one arm, staring straight at me pointedly. "I want to help fight," Vivi explained, voice catching. She clearly didn't like everybody fighting for her while she did nothing; crap, I'd totally forgotten that. "So what can I do?"

I gritted my teeth and mulled this over in my head. "Erm… okay, I don't know exactly how strong you are… but… uhhh… how do you feel about taking on Miss Valentine in my stead?"

"I…" After a slight hesitation, the princess's jaw set and her resolve hardened. "I'll lay my life down for my country, but if I want to save it, I have to at least be strong enough to surpass her."

Hmm… that was some pretty damn hero-worthy resolve. I grinned and flashed her a thumbs-up. "Alright, then. Let's go bust some skulls, princess!"

And that was the last time anything made sense.

Nojiko, dashing off towards the crowd of about twenty five or so turncoat Baroque Works agents, reached into her pockets and withdrew a pair of silver pistols. She cocked them and immediately unloaded their contents into the crowd, the deafening sounds of gun cracks ringing across the clearing. In mere seconds, eight worthless enemies dropped to the ground, groaning and grasping at bullet holes that had been carefully aimed at non-vital locations. Nojiko continued pulling the trigger, but it didn't fire anything; it was out of ammo. Frowning, the blue-haired girl shrugged and stuck them back in her pocket, then reached under her shirt and instead pulled out her sai.

"Nami, come with me and drop as many as you can," the blue-haired strategist requested. She glanced over to Usopp, who seemed impressed by her aim. "Back us up from behind, eh, Usopp?"

"U-Um, okay," Usopp stammered, while the two sisters nodded at each other.

Mr. 5, watching us through narrowed eyes while he ran from the literally ape-shit mad Donkey Kong alongside his colleagues, spat on the ground, which caused the grass to explode. "You morons take care of the girls and the sniper!" he growled out to the mooks, who looked uncertain about this statement. "Keep them busy while 3, Goldenweek, Valentine and I send the rest to Davy Jones' Locker!"

So saying, the Devil Fruit eaters broke formation and started dashing across the ground to us.

Donkey Kong pounded his gorilla chest and roared furiously. "Don't you think that you can steal my bananas and then escape my fury!" he bellowed, and promptly renewed his chase after them.

My jaw hung open and I facepalmed. "Okay, who stole the video game monkey's bananas? _Who the hell made me say, 'Who stole the video game monkey's bananas!?_ '"

As their feet continued to pound into the grass, Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek blinked. "What's a video game?" they asked in unison. I stared flatly at them. Of _course_ it had been them.

Nojiko grunted and rolled her eyes. "Well, none of this even matters anyway, because the fact of the matter is that you lot are all _fucked_!"

That was when Nojiko _vanished_.

Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit; she didn't disappear into thin air, but damn if my untrained eyes hadn't thought she did for a second. One second, the tattooed girl was running alongside her redheaded sister; the next, she was suddenly about ten feet ahead, sai flashing through the air.

"Infinite Weapons Style!" our strategist shouted, dashing between the ranks of the now-confused turncoats. "Shadow Army!"

Stabs, jabs, and everything that one can do with a pointy object to injure people were administered to the enemy agents, making them all groan in pain and try to attack her. Instead, however, Nojiko weaved throughout all of them, sidestepping their attacks and puncturing their skin with the tips of her sai. Here and there, when a mook came too close to sneaking up on her unawares, Usopp would come in clutch with a Tabasco star or rotten egg to the face.

"Oh, come on, you didn't even need me," grumbled Nami as she drew closer to the quickly dwindling number of enemies. There were still ten men and women remaining who had turned against us and managed to not gain injuries from Nojiko.

Nojiko smirked as she whirled around a sword swipe from a new opponent and buried her sai in his side. "Nah, I can always save some for my sis."

"So, what, I'm just backup!?"

"I didn't say that," Nojiko said teasingly, and at the same moment, she yanked out her three-pronged weapons from her newest casualty. The dude stumbled backwards, gasping in pain as his new wounds streamed red blood. The sai were soaked in red blood by now, and the strategist frowned at this for a moment before spinning around to attack another mook. Unfortunately, Nami had crossed too far into Usopp's path, and so he had no way to snipe Nojiko's newest opponent, a seven-foot tall guy, huge and beefy, with a shock of spiky pink hair running down his head, when he turned out to already be in full-attack with a large hammer which he had pulled from… somewhere.

Grunting in surprise, Nojiko had to shift her stance to block the man's attack. Unfortunately, however, the hammer was too heavy for her little sai, and they shook in her hand as her protective stance was slowly broken.

"Uhhh, Nami, Usopp?" Nojiko called, sweat running down her cheek. Sensing an opening, the other agents still in fighting condition straightened up and crowded around her to all attack at once. Some brandished swords, knives, and cavalry blades, while others pointed gleaming pistols at her. "Help!"

"On it!" Nami called back, using her staff as a vaulting pole.

Leaping nearly ten feet into the air, the navigator quickly swung her weapon up off the ground and down in front of her in a wide overhead arch. It slammed heavily into the crown of the hammer-wielder. His eyes rolled backwards until nothing was showing but the whites, his grip on his mallet weakened, and the large man crumpled to the ground.

At the same moment, the other turncoat agents attacked Nojiko, some slicing down at her with swords, knives, and various other sharp and pointy weapons whose names escaped me, while the gunmen fired their handguns at once. Now freed from her precarious position, Nojiko simply rolled under the bullets and tugged at her sai, which had been yanked out of her hand and trapped when the mallet fell. The swordsmen found themselves blocked by Nami's staff upon her landing. This unfortunately resulted in the wooden weapon gaining several rather severe knicks in its shaft.

"Damn, they're stuck," cursed Nojiko as she continued to pointlessly yank at the unyielding sai. The gunmen (oh, and gunwomen, this is a gender-equal environment here!) readjusted their aim, and Nojiko was forced to leap behind the insensate hammer-wielder, heft him up to his feet, and use him as an impromptu shield.

Usopp bit his lip, loaded his slingshot's pouch with a Tabasco star, and drew it back, the elastic shivering as it stretched. "Have some of this! TABASCO STAR!"

"What the hell…?" one of the agents muttered as he glanced over to the curly-haired sniper, only to unintentionally swallow the spicy ammunition. He gulped in surprise and on reflex. A second later, his eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as fire spewed from his mouth. "GAAAAH! HOT!"

"Hot!?" the other agents demanded in unison, gaping at the fire that shot relentlessly from their friend. Unfortunately, while they were distracted, Usopp took the opportunity to fire two rotten eggs and three more Tabasco stars at the lot, throwing them into a panic as they tried to recover.

"Didn't your mama ever tell you not to take your eyes off of your opponent?"  
"Eh?"

"Infinite Weapons Style, Adaptation Variant: _Friend Bombing!_ HUP!"

At these two shouts from Nojiko, the gunmen's eyes once again fell on the pretty blue-haired young lady… only to get a faceful of their large, densely-muscled friend who had previously been swinging a hammer around like it was nobody's business. Said young lady with blue hair had, just moments before, threw all of her strength into throwing him at them. Strangled, pained screams rose up from the gunmen as they tumbled backwards and crashed into their ground, their much heavier buddy pinning them down against the ground.

"I don't get paid enough for this…" one of them groaned weakly.

I sweatdropped as I watched the whole exchange. "That attack name was kind of long, there…"

"Stick it up your ass, Evan!" Nojiko returned with a beatific smile.

The sword and knife fighters, still blocked by Nami's staff, glared at the maltreatment of their friends and ground their teeth. "You… you bastaaaaaaaaaards!" they howled, stretching out that last word unnecessarily far.

One by one, they all reaffirmed their mobility with their weapons, freeing Nami from her blocking position at the same time. Several different attacks were aimed at her: overhead swings, chops to the side, and here and there, a stab or two. Nami sidestepped the first type, ducked under the second, and knocked the third type away. At last, her opponents were all staggering to regain their balance, and Nami scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, you can't even touch the girl you're trying to kill, and you call yourselves assassins?" she grumbled, clocking the lot over the head with her staff one after the other. "I've stolen from better fighters than you before breakfast."

Now barely ten steps from Vivi, Luffy, and I, Mr. 5's eye twitched. "The bitch has a point," he growled at his fallen cohorts. "You bastards are worthless!"

He stuck his finger up his nose, paused, turned, and before anyone could do anything to stop him, yanked out a booger and flicked it at the fallen agents.

 _BOOM!_

Luffy's eyes widened with fury. "He… He just…"

"Took out his fellow agents…!" Vivi said through gritted teeth, fists clenched.

I swallowed nervously and rolled my shoulders back before falling into a fighting stance. "Not to mention Nami and Nojiko. I hope they made it out of the blast's range."

"Allow me to take it from here, 5!" shouted Mr. 3. Planting his feet on the ground, he thrust the bulky arms of his wax statue forward and stomped. "Triple Candle Lock!"

I swear that as liquid wax expelled from his hands and one of his feet, I heard trumpets blare in the background as a familiar jazz beat struck up. The three of us humans and Carue gasped as the three parallel lines of wax quickly spread across the ground, aimed directly at us. Carue and I dived away in the same direction, with Luffy leaping off to the right away from us. Carue dug into the ground to keep himself from skidding, while I ducked into a roll and came up stumbling. Learning how to properly roll out of a fall was one of the first things Nojiko had taught me while we'd been training together, and although I'd bumped my head a fair bit for the first couple days, I was slowly getting the hang of it, though coming out of said rolls was still something that I was working on.

The lines of wax shot past us harmlessly, small balls of it detaching from the main line and falling to the ground.

"Tch!" Mr. 3, still in his giant Champion suit, frowned at Vivi and I and set his partner down on the ground. "Goldenweek, you make them unable to fight so the rest of us can focus on their captain and that pesky ape!"

"I'M A _GORILLA_!" roared Donkey Kong, who had gained some major ground on them.

"OH, SHUT UP!" 3 blasted right back. "YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO TALK ANYWAY, DAMN YOU!"

"Roger, roger," said Goldenweek, completely ignoring the two's exchange. She rolled her eyes and withdrew her paintbrush and palette. "Tranquil Green."

While Miss Goldenweek dipped her paintbrush into the green paint on the palette, Miss Valentine turned around and motioned to Mr. 5. "Hey, blast me up into the air! I'll take out the ape!"

"GORILLA, DAMN IT!"

"NOBODY CARES!"

Her partner ignored Donkey Kong's griping and instead nodded. "Jump in three" —Here he picked another booger— "two, one, _now_." Upon the _now_ , Miss Valentine leaped up as high as she could, and at the same time, the booger connected with the ground, causing a massive explosion that ricocheted the blonde sky-high. Donkey Kong paused and looked up, blinking.

"Huh?" the gorilla gaped. "Devil Fruit?"

"The Kilo-Kilo Fruit!" confirmed Miss Valentine. Her sundress fluttered in the breeze created by her upwards momentum, until she at last ran out of acceleration and hovered in midair. "Alright, now TEN-THOUSAND KILOS!"

Usopp turned around and looked up, jaw dropping. "Holy crap, that summery girl's tumbling through the air!"

"Now, to take out their captain!" 3 shouted over his shoulder at Mr. 5. "Candle Lock!"

The man with the black hair threw his arm down, his pinstripe suit starting to show signs of dampness from his sweat. I didn't really blame him; it was still blistering hot, and I was sort of glad that I'd taken off my leather jacket while riding Rex. Meanwhile, Mr. 5 gritted his teeth, evidently not one to enjoy being ordered around, but consented anyway. He whirled back around to hock a massive wad of spit at Luffy at the same time that 3's wax spread across the ground… and _holy fuck_ , I know that this is an anime world, but _spit should not fly that far!_

"Spit Bomb!" called Mr. 5 as the wad hurtled through the air.

"SO UNCREATIVE!" I cried, wringing my hands in disbelief. Vivi whacked me upside the head from her perch upon Carue.

"Not the time!" she barked in a panic. I blinked at her, and in response she pointed in front of us. I followed my eyes to see that… Crap, while I was distracted, Goldenweek had flung her Tranquil Green paint at us, and it was about to hit us! There would be no time to run away, and definitely no time to help our friends. The only thing we'd be able to do would be to somehow deflect it, block it, or destroy it completely… and luckily for us, I had a plan to accomplish one of those suggestions.

"Leave this to me!" I said, holding up my hands and concentrating on the oncoming paint. It was technically a liquid, which meant that it had water inside it, so if I was right… "Tempest Freezeframe!"

It took a good deal of willpower, perhaps because it was such a thick suspension, but after just a brief mental command, the green pigments hung in the air harmlessly. Miss Valentine's eyes widened imperceptibly, but it was just enough for me to notice, and I smirked.

Vivi gasped, her voice dripping with relief. "You stopped it!"

"Thanks for the commentary, Keith Jackson," I mumbled, grinning despite my snark. She blinked and tilted her head, but before she could ask who Keith Jackson was, I flung my arms out to the sides as quickly as I could. "Tempest Scattershot!" The paint promptly broke apart from itself and scattered in every direction, bits and pieces of it falling all over the clearing. By a stroke of luck (read: careful manipulation by me) absolutely none of the paint hit me or any of my crewmates, while the opposing agents found many of their clothes now speckled with green.

During this, Miss Valentine came crashing down at Donkey Kong, and he only just managed to roll to the side in time to avoid becoming a gorilla pancake. His momentum carried us over to where Vivi, Carue, and I had just dodged to. The ground cracked upon connecting with her foot, crunched, and finally imploded until a miniature crater was created where she fell.

King Kong's shoulders slumped in relief. "He dodged!" the vervet monkey signed, letting out a large breath of air. "Thank God…"

"Damn lemur," muttered the girl in the sundress, and Donkey Kong punched the ground so hard it exploded.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M A GORILLA!" he howled. "AND COME ON, THOSE AREN'T EVEN THE SAME THINGS! LEMURS ARE WIMPS!"

Nojiko crawled out of the blast zone from Mr. 5's previous attack at her, black with soot and scorch marks marring a few different patches of skin. She coughed and spat on the ground, and her saliva was darkened with the color of the ash, too. Seconds later, Nami weakly army-crawled out of the miniature crater as well, looking just about as healthy as her sister. I winced. Tanking that bomb apparently hadn't ended so hotly.

"Ha!" Nojiko crowed, her voice slightly weak and trembling. "We just kicked all those guys' asses! Girl power!"

"Woo hoo, go team, get 'em, sis," Nami declared woozily, lifting up a shaky thumbs-up.

At the same time as Valentine's attack and the aforementioned conversation, 3's wax reached Luffy at last. My captain tried to leap backwards, but was too slow this time, and white wax crawled up his left foot to his ankle, spreading across the air to his other outstretched leg. As a result of the sudden weight, as well as loss of momentum, Luffy tipped backwards. His straw hat slanted on his head as he hopped desperately to regain his balance, only to fail miserably once 5's spit wad splashed onto his face.

 _BOOM!_ Black smoke billowed up into the sky and Luffy was sent hurtling backwards. He crashed into the ground unceremoniously, bounced two times, and slammed into a tree.

"Ouch…" Luffy groaned. He slowly peeled away from the tree, much like a character in a cartoon, and then faceplanted into the ground.

Bearing witness to these events, Vivi and I winced. "That really blew up our plans," I murmured.

Vivi shot me a stern glare. "That's _horrible_ , Evan."

"Alright," 3 said, clenching his hand into a victorious fist, "I can handle their captain from here if that explosion didn't already knock him out. Everyone, you take care of the rest of that fodder!"

"...Fuck," I intoned as Miss Valentine glared at me steadily, 5 frowned at Vivi and Donkey Kong, and Goldenweek turned to the slowly backpedaling Usopp, who gulped.

The sniper's brown eyes met with my own hazel ones. "I don't suppose you have a plan to deal with this, do you?" he asked hopefully.

I nodded solemnly. My voice lowered to that of a mystical sage's, one who knew all there was to know about the mighty Earth and all of its mysteries, how to draw strength from its core and use it to destroy one's enemies. "As a matter of fact, yes. It's a sure-to-win tactic, one that should only be used as a last resort, a way to ensure that the user absolutely will not lose…"

Usopp's frightened frown flipped into a hopeful grin, and he opened his mouth to say something, but I beat him to the punch.

"... _Run._ "

And I promptly picked up King Kong, put him on my shoulder, turned tail, and ran. Donkey Kong hesitated, unsure what to do. Vivi also paused for a moment, glancing between Usopp and I, then snapped Carue's reins.

"Oh, you little BASTARD!" howled Usopp as Vivi dashed over and hefted him up onto Carue's back before they took off into the woods.

"Now that is an idea we can get behind!" shouted the Baroque Works agents who were still on our side, and whom I had only just noticed were still even here. They promptly took off after Vivi, Usopp, and Carue.

The resident gorilla captain backed away from 5's glare, now unsure if he could take on four powerful Devil Fruit users at once. He looked back at my retreating form which was quickly fading into the underbrush, then at Vivi, Carue, and Usopp, and finally at Mr. 5, Miss Valentine, Mr. 3, and Miss Goldenweek. Several beats passed in which no one moved a muscle save for Luffy, who twitched as he slowly got to his feet.

"...Oh, fuck it," cursed Donkey Kong, throwing his hands up in the air. He turned around and took off after King and I. "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

Mr. 5, Valentine, and Goldenweek all ground their teeth together in annoyance. " _Pirates_ ," they growled in unison, as if that said everything. And honestly? It probably did. If I was gonna go out fighting, I was at least going to go out making their lives as irksome as possible.

Shaking their heads, the three Baroque Works members blasted off in different directions: Valentine and Goldenweek headed for King, Donkey Kong, and I, and Mr. 5 dashed towards where Vivi, Usopp, and Carue had retreated to alongside the other, more Straw Hat-friendly, half of the Whiskey Peak agents.

Nami, still barely able to move, groaned and coughed up more black spit. "Yeah," she muttered, rubbing her soot-blackened forehead. "I _knew_ this was gonna be a headache."

~o~  
 **Present time**

"Oh, yeah," I grumbled, as I dodged another falling attack, courtesy of Miss Valentine, by the neck of my skin. It was becoming hard to carry my leather jacket around, so I decided to just suffer the dreadful heat and shrug it on instead. "You're right, King—that _is_ why this happened."

Ahead of us, Mr. 5 blasted another booger at the still-friendly agents, who all screamed in terror as they scrambled to dodge it. Igaram tried to pull out his saxophone gun thing, but brought out nothing, and facepalmed; he'd evidently left it back on their brigantines.

"Think Luffy has taken care of Mr. 3 yet?" I asked King as we turned away from 5 and our friends, and headed off in a new direction.

King, now once more on my shoulder, shrugged and cracked his knuckles as Miss Valentine hopped out of the most recent crater she'd created. "No clue, but that doesn't really matter right now. If we don't take care of this floaty lady, we'll just be a liability to everyone else, and she'll be able to help 5 get our crewmates."

"That's true," I hummed, nodding. I glanced up; Valentine had once more taken to the skies, her sundress fluttering around her. I swallowed nervously. "The problem with _that_ idea is that we don't have a way to reach her when she's way up there in the sky, we haven't been able to strike a hit on her when she's down here, and she falls too fast and heavily for us to counterattack. If only I'd thought to bring some water along, or if only I'd been able to use some kind of sword or something back in that shop at Loguetown…"

King gripped my shoulder. "Anyway," he signed, glancing around the jungle through the visible beams of light which had filtered through the canopy, "where do you think my old captain is? He and I _should_ be able to take out that bombman."

I was about to respond with something along the lines of, "No fucking idea," when several explosions drew our attention to the right. Smoke filtered through the trees… and then out of it swung a giant fuck-off gorilla on a charred vine that creaked under his weight.

Uh… were vines supposed to creak? Was that a thing?

You know what, I'm not even going to question it anymore and leave it at cartoon logic. Save myself the headache, you know? (Okay, I was probably still going to question it, but a guy can hope and dream!)

"Holy shit, that terrified me out of my pants, but it's flipping _AWESOME!_ " I yelped as Donkey Kong drop-kicked the weightless girl while swinging on a prehistoric vine past me and my monkey partner.

…Now, _there_ was another sentence I'd never thought I'd say in my life.

"WHY DID I GET A DEGREE IN ASSASSINATION!?" cried Valentine as she flew haphazardly far off into the distance.

I stared dumbly. "...Since when did those kinds of degrees even exist?" I paused. "Oh, shit, I said I wasn't going to question it! STUPID ANIME WORLD! SCREW YOU!"

Donkey Kong snorted as he dropped to the ground in front of us. "Not that I know what you mean by anime, but you pirates aren't half bad. So you're the lot who's been taking care of my old first mate, eh?"

My stare shifted over to him. "Uhh… yeah… I guess… but, uh, while I'm breaking my code of conduct for not questioning things, there's something I've been meaning to ask you since we first ran across you." I paused, took a deep breath, and bellowed, "HOW THE HELL CAN YOU FREAKING TALK!?"

"Because I'm a badass," he answered simply.

I gave him a flat look. "Because you're a badass."

"Because I'm a badass," the gorilla confirmed, nodding as if this was a perfectly reasonably explanation.

"...That's the biggest Hand Wave I've ever heard."

"Well, like it or not, it's the truth."

Groaning, I turned to King Kong with a defeated countenance. "Kiiiiing, your captain is going to be the death of my sanity," I whined, and I reached up to rub his furry little head. He preened into the attention, tail flicking.

"As long as you keep getting that one damn spot I can never seem to reach, I'm perfectly fine with that," he signed, a blissful grin spreading across his adorable little monkey face. Man, I loved animals… and _damn_ , did I miss my dog and cat back home. I missed my family and friends, too, of course, but the Straw Hats were so damn epic that they more than made up for that. I'm not saying King Kong wasn't equally epic; just that a monkey isn't the same as a dog or cat.

At least I could talk to King, though.

Donkey Kong coughed. "As endearing as it is to see King warm up to someone so much, don't you think we should be heading back to the clearing? That 3 guy looked pretty tough, and your captain won't have much of a chance to dodge his attacks with that wax thing on his legs. 3 trapped my hands in it earlier, but I was able to explode them with my Devil Fruit."

I tilted my head and shrugged. "I suppose, but Luffy should be able to take that weirdo out easily enough." We started heading off back where we'd came from, or at least in the general vicinity, and I put my hands behind my head as something occurred to me. "Hey, by the way, what _is_ your Devil Fruit, exactly? I know it has something to do with explosives; I saw you using it in the clearing. But Mr. 5 already has a Fruit that lets him turn his body parts into explosives, so what does yours do?"

Donkey Kong nodded as he followed behind me. "Fair question. My Fruit is as badass as I am. It's the Blast-Blast Fruit. With my right hand, I can turn any object that isn't human or animal—plants are fine—into explosives and then detonate them as I wish. I can make them contact bombs, remote bombs, landmines, anything. If I want to remove the explosive qualities, I just touch the object with my left hand. I'm also immune to injuries from explosions created by any of my bombs, though other explosions can still hurt me."

My brain buzzed with thought as I considered this. "...Huh, that's a _really_ useful Devil Fruit," I said, more than a little awed. "You could do a lot of sneaky maneuvers with that. Maybe blast yourself really high into the air to get over walls, make your cannonballs even more of a threat, have a really dangerous game of hot potato…"

King's back stiffened. "Oh, do _not_ remind me of the Minesweeper Incident. _Please_."

"Minesweeper Inci… wait, what the hell?"

Donkey Kong's eye twitched as he walked, and he rubbed the back of his head nervously, refusing to meet my confused gaze. "Uh… heheh… um… hey, I thought I saw another enemy follow me!" he said hurriedly. "I wonder where she is?"

"Another Baroque Works agent, you mean?" I said, tilting my head. The last part of what he'd mentioned hit me. "Wait, _she_ … oh, dammit, I forgot about Goldenweek."

"Laughter Yellow!"

"Oh, haha, very funny, _don't imitate our enemies again, please_."

"Uhhh, Evan?" King signed, looking very nervous. "That wasn't either of us."

"It wasn't?"

King Kong and Donkey Kong shook their heads.

"...Oh, _fuck me_."

SPLAT.

Now, I've played Splatoon before. I know how fun throwing paint around can be. I was pretty damn close to being a master at the video game version of it, too, if I don't say so myself. But getting hit with it yourself, especially when you're wearing a leather jacket that you've had for the past three years and which was a gift from your dad for your birthday?

Yeah.

 _Not_ fun.

So _why the fucking hell was I laughing_!?

"Macacacaca!" King chortled on my shoulder, slapping my back with tears in his eyes. With his non-slapping hand, he signed, "I have no idea what's so funny, but it is!"

"I know, right!?" I chortled, throwing my head back and having the best laugh of my whole damn life for no good reason. "Veehihihi! VEEHIHIHI!"

Donkey Kong backpedaled quickly, staring at us both like we were nuts. "Whoa, what the hell?"

"Hilarious!" I declared, doubling over and clutching my stomach. King toppled off my shoulder as a result, and only got himself covered in more paint. "Veehihihi! Oh, that was an awesome tumble you took! TIMBER! Veehihihi!"

"Damn straight," King replied with one hand, punching the ground and laughing so hard tears were forming in his eyes. "Macacacaca!"

"You guys… what the hell, what's that paint you're in?" Donkey Kong gasped, noticing the paint circle that we were now standing in. "And why are you laughing?"

"T-The paint," I gasped, nearly choking, "is… hi-hilarious! Veehihihi! Veehihihihihi!"

King's hands were trembling with uproarious laughter as he signed, "Burn… burn… lungs are burning…!"

"Wha…" Donkey Kong was clearly lost, staring with wide eyes at our prison of humor. "Who… what…?"

" _Who_ would be me," the flat voice of a small girl declared, "and _what_ would be Colors Trap." And with this introduction, none other than Miss Goldenweek stepped out from behind a nearby tree, her face shrouded in the shadow created by the lip of her pink hat. "I am Miss Goldenweek, and you three must be disposed of for the safety of Baroque Works and its secrets."

Donkey Kong narrowed his eyes at her. "The little girl from the clearing…"

"You forgot her, too?" I cackled. I was nearly breathless, but I just couldn't _stop laughing_! Damn it! It was actually getting painful! My chest was heaving, and I couldn't breathe. "Veehihihi! Veehihihi, I can… veehihihi!... take her if you… veehi! Veehihihi! Burn…!" Unable to speak anymore due to a lack of air, I simply crumpled to my knees, clutched my stomach, and choked out silent laughter.

"Burn…" The gorilla's eyes widened. "Alright, got it! I'll leave it to you, and then go find that bomb-guy with King! Take this chance and kick her ass!" He slammed his right fist against the ground inside the circle of yellow, carefully avoiding touching any spots of paint. "Paint Bomb!"

The resulting explosion was so deafening that all sound faded for a moment, and as I was blasted up into the air and away from the yellow circle, I feared that I'd gone deaf. But several moments later, during which I crashed into a tree, fell to the ground, and managed to pick myself back up, sound slowly returned to me as a new ringing in my ears faded.

My legs were sore, my chest was sore, and my throat hurt like hell, but I'd never been happier to breathe in my entire life. I sucked down as much air as I felt comfortable with, ignoring the humidity and heat. That had been legitimately terrifying; had it gone on much longer, I might have actually died from laughter due to not getting enough oxygen.

"King, you okay?" I choked out, throat dry and voice croaking like a frog's.

A pitiful groan several feet away from me rose up in response, and I painfully looked up to see my vervet monkey partner raising an unsteady thumbs-up into the air. Relief washed over me, and I slumped back against the tree.

"Alright, that should be taken care of now!" Donkey Kong said, dashing away from the now smoking, smeared, and burnt paint circle and over to his former first mate. "Come on, King, we've got a bomberman to take down!"

"So many video games, so little time," I said woozily, before shaking my head in an effort to regain full awareness.

"You knew how to break out of Colors Trap…?" Miss Goldenweek said, and… was that concern in her voice? "Maybe… 3's voice was real after all…"

"3's voice?" I croaked, standing up wincing as my knee protested loudly. Damn it, that explosion had taken a lot more out of me than I'd thought. "The hell are you talking about?"

Goldenweek was silent for a second, studying me closely as if she could discern all my secrets by staring into my soul. "...It is no matter. The only thing that does matter is that I subdue you now before you can be a further annoyance to Mr. 3, 5, Miss Valentine, and to Baroque Works at large."

"Tough luck," I grunted. Studying her carefully, looking for any telling signs of movement, I cracked my knuckles and rolled my head around to loosen up my neck. "You caught me unawares once, but that was the last time you'll ever get me in your Colors Trap. I won't make the same mistake twice."

"Is that so?" said Goldenweek, lifting her eyebrow but still keeping a blank look on her face. "We'll see about that."

"See you after we lay these goons flat!" Donkey Kong called back as he started to leap off into the jungle with King Kong following right behind.

Her eyes strayed over to them, and she gritted her teeth. "Tch. You never learn, do you?" Dipping her paintbrush in the green paint, she flung the brush forward, and the paint swirled through the air. "Tranquil Green."

"Oh, no you don't!" I roared, dashing forward and sticking my hand out. "Tempest Freezeframe!"

Just like before, the paint froze in midair after a brief tug-of-war between its willpower and mine. Goldenweek's eyes narrowed as she considered me in a new light.

"I saw you do that before… what trick is that?" she growled quietly.

I smirked. "Tempest-Tempest Fruit, but I'll be damned if I tell you what it does so that you can make strategies to get around it. Tempest Scattershot!"

I flung my hands out to my sides, and just like before, the paint scattered all over the jungle, none of it landing on any of us.

"Tch," Miss Goldenweek spat, looking unimpressed. I liked to imagine this was just an outward presentation, however, and that in reality she was very impressed with my skillz. While the girl in the pink cowboy hat regarded me carefully, Donkey Kong and King Kong retreated into the dense foliage, quickly disappearing among trees, vines, and all sorts of other prehistoric flora.

I reached down to my belt, grasped at my nunchakus, and withdrew them. Spinning them around a few times just to show off how much I'd improved the past four days, I fell into a horse-stance and cocked my weapons at the ready. "Alright, now, I normally wouldn't hit a kid, but if I don't defeat you here and now, then you're gonna mess with my friends and make them do things that they don't want to do. Just like you made me laugh myself near to death even though I didn't want that. And I'm sorry, but their freedom is not something I'm willing to risk over something like personal morals."

"You talk big," Goldenweek said, dipping her brush into her red paint. "Let's see how you fare against Anger Red."

She flung the liquid paint at me and it spiraled through the air, but I lifted my hand up and halted it in place with another Freezeframe. I started to Scattershot it away, but just before I could do so, Miss Goldenweek wiped off her brush, covered it in her blue paint, and flung that at me as well. "Sadness Blue!"

That paint color spun next to its red friend, though it was to no effect. I simply lifted up my other hand, nunchaku and all, and froze it in midair. It took a bit more effort to do so, perhaps because I was now controlling two streams of paint, but I was still easily able to do it.

"Empty White!"

A third stream of paint was flung at me, this time pure white, and I grunted before shifting my concentration to it. It froze, too, but not before taking a slightly longer time than the first two.

"Happy Pink! Dreamy Rainbow! Disgusting Brown!"

Another three blasts of paint spiraled through the air at me. Annoyed, now, I narrowed my eyes as I concentrated on all six paints, demanding they stay where they were. Miss Goldenweek wasn't giving me a chance to react, forcing me to keep the paints frozen in midair and unable to do anything else. I also found myself having to stretch my concentration between the six colors, with each color having a much smaller amount of said concentration than each one would've had separately.

"Melancholy Gray! Sickly Tea Green! Starving Orange! Agonizing Magenta! Loving Rose!"

One by one, the different streams of colors joined their brethren in shooting at me through the air, each one thinning out my concentration until the entire set of floating paint was shaking in air. My head was starting to hurt by Starving Orange, and by Loving Rose, I knew that if I didn't get a chance to stop her soon, I'd lose control over at least one color. Panic rose inside me slowly, clawing its way up from my stomach to my heart, then through my neck and to my brain.

Shit! This wasn't good!

"Truthful Cyan," said Goldenweek, and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to stop it.

"Damnit!" I shouted, throwing my arms desperately out to the side. If I could just disperse the other paints in time…! "TEMPEST SCATTERSHOT!"

The other colors burst apart, flying harmlessly around the clearing and covering various leaves and tree barks. I grinned, and the animal of fear started to crawl back down my neck, much slower than it had clambered to my brain… until I saw that Truthful Cyan was still on a direct collision course with the ground around me, and that it would hit in about a millisecond.

I barely had time to gasp, "Hell n—!"

And then it hit.

My mind cleared of all worry and concern. Everything was alright, wasn't it? In the end of the day, I wasn't actually hurt by any of this. I could trust Miss Goldenweek. She wouldn't let me get in pain, unlike those idiots I'd called friends. What, for the past four days, hadn't Nojiko just been slapping my face around with her sai? Hadn't Nami been continuously punching me for stupid things I did? Even just a few moments ago, didn't Donkey Kong literally blow me up?

And how many times had Luffy been the result of massive panic and pain, whether it was the result of Gum-Gum Rocket or some other bullshit? Sanji was always kicking me around for going to get food too early, or looking at the girls "strangely," or something. Zoro's training was utter _hell_ , and Usopp was an annoying little bitch who'd only run away if I was ever in trouble. King Kong liked throwing crap in my face, and when we'd first met, Vivi was literally an enemy; who was to say she wouldn't switch sides again?

Miss Goldenweek wouldn't do any of that to me.

She was trustworthy.

She could be told anything.

"Tell me," said Goldenweek, stepping to me with a frown, "what your Devil Fruit powers are."

"Tempest-Tempest Fruit," I replied, a ridiculous smile spreading across my face. "The ability to control water by concentrating on it."

"Tell me… tell me what you know about Baroque Works."

I nodded like I was talking to an old friend. "Sure thing! It's an evil organization bent on taking over Alabasta and is currently ran by the warlord Crocodile. Nico Robin is the second-in-command, and has the powers of the Flower-Flower Fruit. She joined to seek safety in fellow criminals, despite the fact that the only thing she ever did wrong was be born in an island of archaeologists who had discovered how to read the Poneglyphs, and she wanted to be one, too. Baroque Works plans to put a bomb in the clock tower in Alabasta's capital in order to ensure that everyone dies, so that Crocodile can steal the contents of the Poneglyph that lies there for himself. He doesn't care how many of his cohorts could die, even though all of the Frontier and Number Agents will be gathered in the city at that time."

The little girl's eyes widened, and her jaw slowly dropped. "T-The… You really _do_ know the future, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," I replied happily, eager to help out my good friend. "Some omnipotent being called the All-Seeing Author, whom I doubt is God or some other bullshit, pulled me from my world and dropped me here against my will. Back home there used to be a manga called _One Piece_ that told how my current captain, Monkey D. Luffy, rose from his simple home in the East Blue to become King of the Pirates. Because the world was so dangerous, I was forced to join the Straw Hats; any other place I would be sure to die because I was weak and powerless, even after I'd eaten my Devil Fruit, and they were the only people I could stay with who I was sure wouldn't let me die so easily."

"Holy…" Miss Goldenweek started to curse, but she shook her head and narrowed her eyes. "And what of the Straw Hats' encounters with Baroque Works?"

"All Frontier Agents and Number Agents who faced us were defeated. Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine were curb-stomped on Whiskey Peak, and then again with you and Mr. 3 as soon as Usopp burned down the Candle Service Set. Mr. 4, Miss Merry Christmas, and Lassoo fought against Usopp and Chopper outside Alubarna and lost when they made Usopp get serious. Sanji's martial arts were enough to beat Mr. 2, Nami's new weapon took out Miss Doublefinger, Zoro beat Mr. 1 by learning to cut through steel, and Luffy won against Crocodile underneath Alubarna after 2 other battles, both of which resulted in him only surviving by luck, but which taught him what he needed to know in order to defeat Crocodile—that he can be touched if he or your weapon is wet. We even managed to stop Crocodile's bomb in the clock tower, even though it had also been set to a timer and not just put inside a cannon, for safety. This was due to Pell flying it so high into the atmosphere that it couldn't hurt anyone else, and even at that, Pell himself survived due to the utter bullshit tanking that is Zoans."

"So, in short…"

I winced and rubbed the side of my head. "Sorry, Miss Goldenweek; I don't explain things very well. In short, the plan to take over Alabasta was completely and totally ruined by the Straw Hats."

Miss Goldenweek staggered backwards, eyes wide. She looked at a loss for what to say; I believed that I understood why. She'd probably never met anyone else who had almost full knowledge of the future, or who had come from another world. I would have been nervous and scared, too, and she was just a kid; I felt bad for her.

"It's okay, Miss Goldenweek!" I said, giving her a great big thumbs-up and laughing. "Veehihihi! Honestly, I was only fighting against you in the first place because I thought we were enemies. But I know we're not, now. You opened my eyes."

"I..."

I tilted my head. What did my dear friend want to say? I didn't like being left in the dark. That had happened way too much back home; everyone always seemed to be the last to tell me anything. Maybe it was because I'd never cared much for social media, but I always seemed to hear gossip last, and I only had a select group of people who I could honestly call my close friends. Even with them, we hardly got to see each other due to living up to half an hour away, so I barely knew what was going on half the time.

I wanted to know what Miss Goldenweek was thinking if it was important.

"You can tell me anything," I said happily. "I'd never betray my friends, and you're my friend, Miss Goldenweek!"

"I… I, uh..."

"Come on, what is it? Tell me!"

"I…" Miss Goldenweek hesitated a second longer, and then at last caved. She bit her lip and said, "I'm… not your friend."

"What?" I couldn't believe my ears. What was Miss Goldenweek saying? Of course she was. She'd never hurt me, she'd only be there for me when I was hurt and help me. "You… you said that you only joined the Straw Hats because you felt safest in their company, right?"

"Yeah, why?" I asked, concern now edging into my voice. Miss Goldenweek sounded sad and in pain, and I didn't like to see my friends sad and in pain. When people I was close to were hurting, it hurt me just as much. I cared deeply for others, and I desperately wanted to help as many people as I could.

Miss Goldenweek couldn't lock eyes with me. "I'm sorry, but, I… I've got to release you."

Release me?

What?

Release me from what? I wasn't trapped in anything. I wasn't—

The blonde kid stepped forward, looking dreadfully sorry and tearful, and she scraped her foot across the paint. Immediately, it was like I had come out from some kind of great fog, empty and lonely. Life rushed back into me, and I gasped like I'd never breathed before. I staggered backward, my mind blank at first as to what had just transpired, and hot _damn_ did I feel like shit.

Then the memories came rushing back, and I stared agape at Miss Goldenweek, fear gripping my heart and tearing at it.

"I, I, I t-told…" I gasped, unable to believe it. "I told you… I told you _so much_ … And there was so much more left to tell that you could've known..."

"I'm… I'm so sorry," said Miss Goldenweek sadly, and her eyes were so wet that it seemed like they were leaking. She looked up at me and sniffed, those big, wet eyes that you'd imagine on a dog that had just been kicked. "You said that… I'm so sorry I made you say all of that. I didn't know you felt that way. I thought… I thought…" Miss Goldenweek hiccupped, so distraught that she wasn't breathing properly. "I thought that you were like all t-those other pirates Mr. 3 always told me about. I thought that y-you were a heartless… a heartless b-bastard who'd abandon a-anyone…"

Exhausted, I crumpled to the ground, hands stroking through my hair in my panic. "So… why'd you let me go?" I asked, too horrified with myself and what I'd said to lift a hand against her.

"I… You said that you'd never betray your friends, and that they were the only people you felt safe with… h-honestly? I f-feel the same way about M-Mr. 3."

...Okay, I don't know what I'd been expecting, but that hadn't been it. "...Eh?"

"I j-joined Baroque Works because I was homeless and needed somewhere that would g-give me food and c-clothes and a place to… a place to sleep," explained Miss Goldenweek, also sitting down. Tears streamed down her face and so he raised up her sleeve to wipe them away. "But everyone else was really mean and bullied me. They said t-that I was weak, and that I c-couldn't fight anyone and survive. I always got b-beat up and picked on… it got to the point where the s-streets almost looked like heaven. I almost t-tried to run away, but that was when M-Mr. 3 found out about me."

"Okay," I said, still so shocked at the Goldenweek backstory that I couldn't really do much. "Still don't see where this is headed."

"Mr. 3 had never had any kids in his life, but he'd always wanted some. He has a s-soft spot for them, and when he found out about me, he c-couldn't turn away. He specifically requested that i-if he ever become a Frontier Agent, that I… that I would be his partner. He took me under his wing u-until he did, and taught me everything I k-know that's n-not about the Color Wheel… I learned that to help augment his wax. I'd never betray M-Mr. 3, and he's the only person I've e-ever been able to trust… So, I guess t-that… I guess that I could just relate to you…" She sniffed and looked up at me sadly. "You know? I felt like we… I felt kind of like we were in the same s-situation. I couldn't keep you under m-my control any longer."

"Damn…" I breathed, completely floored. I… this really was eye-opening for me. I'd never even thought about why Goldenweek had even joined Baroque Works when she was just a kid, anyway. I'd never imagined that her and 3 might have anything close to a father-daughter relationship. I'd thought that… I didn't even know _what_ I'd thought anymore. Swallowing, I said slowly, "Miss Goldenweek… I… I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything," she said, sniffing and wiping the remaining tears in her eyes, "and I won't say anything, either. Alright? This… this didn't happen. I won't tell Mr. 3. I won't tell the Unluckies. I won't even tell Crocodile. Just… just knock me out now, make it look like you won the fight. I don't want you to get hurt, but Mr. 3 is gonna be really mad when he finds out you fought me and won, so stay away from him, alright?"

I stared dumbly at her. Holy shit was this girl amazing. She was able to make me say all of that, and she'd come from such a horrible background… and yet she was still willing to protect me, even after all of that?

What else could I do?

"Okay…" I said hoarsely. I stood up, held up my nunchucks, and closed my eyes. "Okay. I really am sorry about this. And hey, Goldenweek, it might be against my place to say this in respect to where I am on the crew… but if you ever want more friends? We've always got some extra room on our ship, okay?"

Feeling like a complete bastard, I raised my nunchaku in my right hand, hesitated, and then brought it crashing down.

 _SMACK_.

I winced as the iron weapon bounced off of Goldenweek's forehead as hard as my arm could swing it. A second later, a small body crushed the grass, making a soft thump as it did so, and I opened my eyes to see the unconscious Baroque Works agent on the jungle floor.

I swallowed.

Man, I really hated myself right about now. And minutes earlier, I'd been _looking forward_ to knocking her out. How sick had I become since entering this world?

Mind reeling, heart clenching, I picked up my insensate, young opponent and newest friend, and carried her back to the clearing.

~o~

Upon making my way back to the clearing, I was able to see two things: First, that the loyal agents, Vivi, Carue, and Usopp had managed to make their way back to the clearing, as well as my partner, Donkey Kong, and the Mr. 5 pair. Second: that Valentine was currently sporting a wide array of slashes and burn marks that looked like they'd very likely come from a certain princess's peacock slashers and a certain sniper's various Sure-Kill Stars.

Oh, and another two things I should probably mention: Luffy was still in battle with Mr. 3 and Donkey Kong and King Kong were absolutely wiping the floor with Mr. 5.

"Holy shit," I said, wide eyed, as Donkey Kong grabbed Mr. 5 by the man's coat with his right hand, threw the poor guy, and he exploded upon impact with the grassy ground of the clearing. He bounced twice, then dug his hands into the ground and bent his knees to slow down his skidding.

Mr. 5 straightened up and cracked his back. "Stupid gorilla, explosions don't bother me in the slightest. I thought you'd learned this by now."

"Would you look at that, the bomber-man actually got my species right!" growled Donkey Kong, clearly _done_ with the Baroque Works agent. "Anyway, that doesn't even matter, because this battle is fucking _over!_ "

"Huh? What are you talking about…?"

While 5's vision between him and DK was blocked by the smoke trailing off of the ground where he'd landed, Donkey Kong had ripped out some of the ground with his right hand, lifted up King in his left, threw the vervet monkey forward, and then tossed the piece of earth in his right hand below where King was falling. The resulting explosion didn't hurt King Kong much, but instead tossed my partner up higher into the air, as well as faster. He came down spinning through the smoke, twisting his body around and around, building up constant momentum.

"Haplorhini…" both Donkey Kong and King Kong announced with identical shit-eating grins, "Flying Corkscrew!"

 _CRACK!_

King Kong's foot and tail slammed painfully into Mr. 5's face before he had time to react. With a rather painful-sounding crunch, he was sent staggering backwards, coughing up blood. His glass shattered and he toppled over backwards, unmoving.

"Huh, so the glasses shattering really _is_ a sign of defeat," I said, blinking.

Over with Mr. 3, who remained standing in his Champion suit, Luffy seemed like he was almost done with his own fight, himself. Both his fists were trapped in the man's candle locks, but he was dodging the rest of the attacks fairly easily, and his feet no longer had any wax on them. He'd evidently figured out that he could break 3's wax with other wax.

"Mr. 5!" howled 3, bug eyed upon seeing his cohort get dropped like a bag of potatoes. His eyes fell upon me, and more importantly who was unconscious in my arms, and they bugged out even further. "MISS GOLDENWEEK! YOU BASTARD!"

"Oi, your fight…" shouted Luffy, twisting his arms back in twin Gum-Gum Rifles, "IS WITH ME! NOW GUM-GUM TWIN RIFLE!"

The two pillars of wax covering Luffy's fists smashed into Mr. 3's suit, and the thing shattered like a window that some kid had thought it was a good idea to throw his baseball through.

"NOO! MY CHAMPION SUIT! HOW COULD YOU!?"

"I don't care!" Luffy cried, swinging his foot back and then kicking it forward. "Gum-Gum Stamp!"

"C-Candle Wall!" Mr. 3 tried to stick his hand down to the ground to form a shield of wax in front of him, but Luffy's foot was flying at a much faster rate than he was moving. Therefore, before Mr. 3 could even touch the ground, my captain had already smashed his foot into the black-haired man's face, breaking his nose and probably a tooth here and there as well. 3 flew backwards much like Mr. 5, blood oozing from his nose as he crumpled to the ground.

"It's raining men," I stated dryly as I set the unmoving Miss Goldenweek carefully on the ground and regrouped with the others.

"I-I'll get you all… for this…" 3 croaked, twitching on the ground.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, try again in about a million years. Maybe then you'll be strong enough to win against Usopp."

"Oi!" protested the sniper in question while everyone else chuckled.

Nojiko and Nami looked pretty worse for the wear still, and Vivi's arm looked like it might be broken, but other than that, everyone had come out of their fights without too much harm done. Things had been incredibly dicey there for a second against Goldenweek for me, but even that had turned out fine at the end, even if I felt like absolute shit for hitting a little kid. At the end of the day? Everything had turned out for the better, I thought. Who knew? Miss Goldenweek might even end up joining us at one point, and wouldn't that be something?

"Man, your legs don't look so good," Nojiko, who was now standing on the side of the clearing with Vivi, Carue, Usopp, and the loyal agents. "You okay there, chief?"

"I can walk," I said, rolling my eyes. I winced as I promptly staggered forward and nearly lost my balance. "Oh, fuck off, Murphy!"

I thought I heard some otherworldly laughter echo in my ear, and I shivered for a moment. Man, that had been creepy.

"Anyway, now that this bullshit is over, I suggest we pack up and go home," Nami grumbled, stretching. "Vivi apparently already had a Log Pose to Alabasta this _whole damn time_ , and completely forgot to tell us. So let's gather everyone up, return to the _Merry_ , and call it a day. Where the _hell_ are Sanji and Zoro?"

"Yo!" said a suave voice, cool and smooth, as the sound of someone dragging something ridiculously heavy came into hearing distance. "There you guys all are. I got us dinner!"

"Oh, hey, Sanjiiiii holy crap that's one huge dino," I said, jaw dropping as I took in the size of his catch. It was at least five times as long as he was tall, which was a lot more than I'd been able to say about Rex. Maybe Rex had been a midget?

"Pheh, I bet it's not as big as mine," another voice, this one deep and condescending, challenged. I looked behind me, and… why was Zoro walking in curves and S-like shapes while dragging his dino? And… hold on a moment…

"REX!?" I roared, staring in disbelief at the familiar T-rex that Zoro had. "YOU KILLED MY RIDE!? HOW!? WHY!?"

"Its scales were like iron, but I remembered what my sensei said about swords and paper, and then I cut it," stated Zoro bluntly. "I knew Luffy was going to be starving after Sanji gathered whatever small-ass dino he killed."

"W-Wha…" I blinked rapidly at this new information. Lowering my voice, I muttered, "Well, that's going to make Alabasta slightly easier, I guess…? BUT THAT'S MY RIDE, DAMN IT! I HAD GOOD MEMORIES WITH REX!"

"Rex?"

"Evan thought it would be a good idea to ride a T-rex that attacked us," Nojiko deadpanned. "It wasn't."

"Yes, it was," I argued, "and you're just too much of a chicken to admit it."

"Bitch, I spent ten years training to kick the ass of a warrior from the depths of the Grand Line. I'm _anything_ but chicken."

"Chicken." I glanced over at Usopp, grinned, and linked arms with him before breaking out in a kickline. "Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chickeeeeen!"

Nojiko facepalmed. "Ugh, I give up."

Nami patted her on the shoulder reassuringly. "I spent two months with these morons before you joined. Trust me, they don't get any better."

"Fuck off, Murphy," Nojiko hissed to the heavens.

"Oi, you stole that line from me!" I pointed out.

"And literally nobody cares."

"Hey, Evan?" said Donkey Kong, stepping over to us with a huge gorilla grin. "Mind if we talk for a bit? There's a few things I want to talk to you about with King."

"Sure thing, DK." I turned back to my friends, who were blinking at us. "You guys mind if I talk to him for a few secs?"

Survey said no, so the gorilla, vervet monkey and I went off away from the others into the forest to have what I assumed was… well, quite frankly, I had no idea what to assume the chat was going to be about. We went some distance into the dense trees, and then at last, stopped. My legs were almost at the point of rebellion, by now, if that pins-and-needles-all-over feeling was anything to go by. Really, getting exploded was necessary, but _not fun in the slightest_.

"So, what's this about?" I asked my partner and his former captain, curious.

King and DK glanced at each other, nodded, and then at the same time, bowed as low as they could to the ground.

"Whoa, whoa, what's this about?"

"Evan," Donkey Kong said sincerely, "firstly, from the bottom of my heart, I wish to thank you for freeing my first mate and keeping him safe. You have done the DK Crew a sincere and incredible service, one that we cannot repay you enough for. From this point onward, we shall be the Straw Hats' allies and come to help you all whenever you need it."

"Uh… Thanks, guys," I said, a smile turning up my lips. "That means a lot. I'm sure we'll all be great friends in the future."

"I don't doubt it." He and King Kong straightened up, smiles covering their own faces. The gorilla's eyes saddened, then he blinked and they regained their resolve. "Secondly, I wish to offer you descriptions of some of my other prominent crew members, for in case you happen to run across them like you did King and I. The navigator is a capuchin and eater of the Lizard-Lizard Fruit, Model: Chameleon. She goes by the name of Jacqueline, though her friends call her Jack. She's a sassy little thing and is prone to stealing things you're carrying, but offer her a banana or two and she'll be your friend forever."

"...You named the monkey Jack," I deadpanned.

"Yeah, is there a problem with that?"

I stared dumbly at him for a few seconds. "No, no, carry on."

"Next is 'Electric King' Sun Wukong, our shipwright, and a woolly monkey and eater of the Charge-Charge Fruit. He's able to amplify the charge of any electric current, as well as transfer their flows throughout his body at his will; he is, however, unable to create any currents himself. You can easily pick him out from other woolly monkeys, though, because he always wears a yellow nylon sweater in order to create static electricity, which he can then amplify and discharge at will. This also means that his hair is always sticking up, though, so he looks a bit funny."

Okay, these names were getting a bit ridiculous. Who the hell is punny enough to name a monkey Sun Wukong, and then give him the epithet of "Electric King?" Like, _what the hell._

DK paused, and added, "You should also keep an eye out for Sun's cousin, a red-faced spider monkey. He's our chef, and he ate the Spider-Spider Fruit, Model: Gladiator."

 _That_ was too much for me. "Seriously? A spider monkey ate a Spider Zoan?" I groused.

"Actually, he did that on purpose," King clarified, rolling his eyes as he signed. "Wanted to be a literal spider monkey, or something."

"Anyway," DK cut in, "after Sun is our doctor, a brine shrimp fishwoman named Kia Kong—no relation to King or me. She usually wears a nurse's outfit, for whatever reason, and is the only one other than me who has learned the human language; so she's also the primary translator. This may be a bit impudent of me, but I'd appreciate it if you could find her as soon as possible, since she's, like, the entire keystone of the crew. She's the only monkey in the entire DK Crew who never ate a Devil Fruit besides King Kong, and even at that, King ate one just a few days before we all got separated. If we don't have Kia, we won't have anyone who will be able to save us should we happen to fall in the ocean."

"Wait, everyone in your crew ate Devil Fruits?" I repeated, slack-jawed. "Whoa. You guys got lucky in finding them, then… and wait, why!? That's like, _asking_ for someone to drown!"

King Kong shrugged and struck another bout of sign language. "Well, I mean, we have Kia, so it's all good. And anyway, we monkeys are naturally weaker than humanity, and especially since most of the pirates in Paradise and the New World are so ridiculously strong, we all decided to eat Devil Fruits except for the Doc to give us an edge in the competition."

"Alright, fair 'nuff," I relented.

"Anyway," Donkey Kong continued, "that's the last of the _really_ important crewmembers. They're our strongest fighters, so it's _really_ necessary we get them back as soon as possible. Once that happens, I'm sure we'll be able to find and rescue the rest of the DK Crew easily enough. There's one last thing I want to ask… but this time, it's actually for King."

My partner started, his white fur shifting on his face as he did so. "Me?" he signed.

The great ape nodded solemnly, regarding his old crewmate with a kind of fondness you'd imagine a father looking upon his son with. "King, you have a large choice ahead of you, and I want you to know that whatever decision you make, I will always be proud of you and honor it." He took a breath, then smiled and said, "From here on out, do you wish to remain a Straw Hat Pirate, or rejoin the DK Crew?"

King hesitated.

He looked at me, then glanced nervously back at Donkey Kong, whose eyes were shining like he'd seen his son grow into a man. My vervet partner's lower lip trembled, and he rocked back and forth once or twice, unsure of which to pick. I swallowed something nervous; which would he choose? I'd be happy for him to go back to his old crew at last, of course; that had been his goal, hadn't it? To find everyone he'd cared for and get them all back together? But at the same time, King had become a close friend to me these past few weeks. It'd hurt to see the little guy go.

At last, King nodded and set his countenance. "Captain," he signed, casting his gaze straight at the talking gorilla, "I'm sorry. We've been through so much together, but the Straw Hats… well, I owe them, and Evan in particular, my life for having freed me from that dusty pet store. I would have become someone's plaything, but Evan and the Straw Hats took me in and treated me like family. I… I feel a sincere obligation to travel with them to the ends of the Grand Line and Blue Seas, as far as their adventures take them. Damn it, somehow, I've fully become a Straw Hat since Loguetown!"

I felt a little bad for this, but a relieved sigh escaped my lips. I'd been worried for a moment that he'd actually go back to his old crew, but clearly that was stupid of me. Not that doing stupid things was any surprise when it's me you're talking about, of course.

"Well, glad that's settled then!" Donkey Kong declared, grinning widely and ruffling King's head. "You're gonna go far, little guy. You stay safe, ya hear? If I hear that you've died on me, I'll find you and I'll kill you myself."

King chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Macacaca!" Grinning, he gave Donkey Kong a thumbs-up, then signed, "Don't worry about me. Worry more about yourself, old man." He shifted his gaze to me. "Evan, I think we're gonna go head back to the others now. You good?"

I tried to stand up, but my legs shouted some major agony at me, so I instead flopped back down against the tree, wincing. They were at least starting to feel better, though, so I figured that it wouldn't be long until I was back in shape. "Ouch… not at the moment, but I'll be sitting pretty in a minute or whatever, so you guys can go on ahead. I'll be fine."

"You sure?" Donkey Kong said, looking at my slightly burnt legs like he didn't quite believe me.

I waved them away. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Really. Go regroup with the others, I'll join you all in a little bit."

"Okay…"

Looking a little unsure of this, the two monkeys shrugged at each other, got up, and walked off in the direction of the clearing. I was left alone to curse at my aching legs and wonder why I'd ever thought letting a Blast-Blast gorilla free me from a hypnotic paint circle was a good idea. I rolled my shoulders back, enjoying the cracking. I let out a breath of air as I relaxed and just waited for my legs to get better already.

A rustling sound, kind of like a snake slithering across the ground, rose up behind me.

I blinked and turned around, trying to see past the tree, but I couldn't see anything. "Huh? Was there something there?"

I strained my ears again, but I didn't hear anything for several seconds. Then that weird sound came again, except now it sounded more like shirts or pants brushing across the ground. That couldn't be it, though, we'd knocked everybody who was supposed to be here out. Unless I'd really fucked up and brought more people than was necessary to Little Garden somehow, there wouldn't be any enemies left to face. Even so…

"Hello?" I said carefully, gazing through the dense foliage as much as I could.

The sound stopped, but nobody answered. Okay, this was definitely mildly concerning. Was there anyone I'd forgotten about? I mean, I guess it was possible. But I really thought that the Mr. 5 and Mr. 3 pairs were the only ones that the Straw Hats had faced on Little Garden in canon. Waves of warning washed over me, and I told my legs to fuck off and stop complaining already. Quickly, I got to my feet, moving for my nunchucks. Clearly not impressed with me pushing them, my legs ached as I slowly turned around in a circle, one hand on each of my twin weapons.

"I'm warning, you, man, you don't want to come out," I said in a low, dangerous voice.

Silence, except for the distant roaring of dinosaurs and the sounds of the still-fighting giants back in the clearing, which had been present for a fair amount of time now.

It made my hackles raise on end.

I… I knew there was someone here. I could… On the very edge of my mind, like someone scratching against a window to some giant mansion, I could only _barely_ feel the presence of someone nearby, warm and dangerous, like fire. It was irksome, being able to _know_ someone was there without knowing _who_ , or _where_ , or _why_. I backed up, against the tree slowly so there would be at least one more level of protection for me and one less direction I could get attacked from.

Where _was_ this guy!?

A second warmth joined the first, although this one was friendlier. This one… this one, I could tell generally where it was. Confused as all hell as to what was happening to me, I glanced to my right, where King Kong had returned, face worried as he started to stick out from the underbrush. "Evan!" he signed desperately, eyes wide. "Look out behind you! While we were talking, Mr. 3 left the—shit!"

Suddenly, I felt the warmth move directly to my left. My head swiveled around to track it, and I just caught a flash of blue-and-white pinstripes, black hair, and a hateful grin before something heavy smacked me upside the face, hard and dense like a steel rod. Pain flooded my senses, a terrible ache in my head blocking everything else. Blackness permeated my vision, and before I could even lift a finger, I crumpled to the ground, unconscious.


	22. Never Let Me Orchestrate Escape Plans

**A/N:** Sorry for the break between chapters! Those of you who follow my story on Spacebattles would've already known this, but for you who don't, I decided to put _Ripples in the Pond_ on hiatus for a while in order to get a good start on a new story I've been writing, _Bizarre School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._ It's a HP and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure fusion in which Harry and several of the other characters in Hogwarts have Stands, and end up battling other Stand users and more. Six chapters and a prologue are out of that. If you're a fan of either or both series, I highly suggest that you go on over and check that out, because it should definitely be worth your while. Plus, there's not even any character bashing! Imagine that! A Harry Potter fanfic where Dumbledore, Ron, etc. are actually good people just like they are in canon! It's unbelievable!

Despite my short hiatus, I was unable to obtain the rights to _One Piece_. Therefore I do not own any characters or plots of it. Now, without further ado...!

* * *

Chapter 19: Never Let Me Orchestrate Escape Plans

I was usually fine with mornings. I didn't mind them very much, because they meant breakfast, which usually meant bacon. Maybe even Nutella pancakes! Mmm, Nutella pancakes. Now _that's_ what we call in these circles a "good breakfast." All that to say, I was usually neither groggy, grouchy, nor any other negative g-words upon waking up to start the day, despite the fact that six nights out of seven, I'd probably stay up until midnight at the least.

Opening my very heavy eyes to blinding Grand Line sunlight, a splitting headache, dried blood on my face, and to the realization that I was tied to the mast of an enemy ship with seastone chains, however? _I,_ for one, still think that the storm of sailor-worthy cussing which issued forth from my mouth was _plenty_ reasonable.

"Sir, he's awake!" I heard someone shout nervously. Probably some wimpy mook; coming from the fact that I was facing the ship's fo'c'sle and that the voice had come from behind me somewhere, I guessed the speaker to be the helmsman. My mind reeling from the seastone, I growled furiously under my breath and desperately shook my body against the metal chains. They didn't slacken at all. Yeah, I'd been expecting that. Damn. It hurt to be proven right sometimes.

Ahead of me, a door built into one of the walls opened to reveal none other than the evil, male version of Madame Tussauds himself, striding across the wooden deck like he owned the ship. Oh, wait, he probably did.

"Mr. 3," I hissed, sending him a cold smirk, through which I attempted to convey my desire to _punch him in the goddamn face_. "So, you knocked me out, kidnapped me, then hauled ass out of Houston before my crew could notice what happened? You're going to use me to secure Crocodile's trust in you, is that it? Think you can win your life with a guy as unforgiving as Crocodile, despite the fact that your attempt to destroy us was a complete and utter fuck up?"

The wax-man chuckled darkly. "Mr. 0 has demonstrated one thing above all else during my association with him: he is a master tactician. I am not foolish enough to believe that I will escape punishment altogether, but I do believe that citing the expression 'losing a battle to win the war' will be effective enough that I needn't fear for my life."

He folded his hands in front of him, leering down at me. "It is conceivable, given Miss Wednesday's knowledge of Mr. 0's identity, that she may have learned about my powers, and that you could have learned it from her. But nobody has ever witnessed my Candle Service Set and lived to tell of it except for Miss Goldenweek. Given that you knew of that before I even began to use it, nor had you met Goldenweek or I prior to you stating that information, I can only begin to wonder what else you may know. Now that you are awake, I would have Miss Goldenweek perform her hypnosis so that you would disclose it all to me…"

His expression contorted darkly and he bit his lower lip. "But it seems that you caused too much damage for her to focus on her technique when you attacked her."

I paled. Had I really overdone it? I'd thought I was much weaker than that, but... "Wh-Wh-What? I-I didn't mean—she wasn't—"

"It doesn't matter what you intended."

3's face changed to a concerned look as Miss Goldenweek slowly moved into view, an ice pack on her head and her eyes narrowed at me. "Thanks to you, I have too much of a headache to perform my Colors Trap," she continued softly, an annoyed tone in her voice.

"Miss Goldenweek, don't push yourself," 3 said gently, putting an arm on her shoulder. "You should still be resting."

"I just wanted to throw in my two cents here," she muttered. She casually brushed his arm off her and lifted her free hand up to rub her forehead.

Then, with her arm hiding her face from Mr. 3, she winked at me. I stiffened as she turned away, Mr. 3 glaring over his shoulder as he walked her inside. A few anxious moments of downtime followed. What was I supposed to do here? I mean… damn it all, I once again owed so much to a little squirt! How unmanly was that!?

Still, that Goldenweek… she was a sneaky little brat, wasn't she?

I smirked. "Ya got guts, I'll give you that," I mumbled to the cloudless sky.

The door opened again, and Mr. 3 stepped back out onto the deck of the ship. My smirk fell immediately and I glared whole-heartedly at him. Then I blushed as my stomach growled uproariously; I hadn't had dinner or breakfast, so I was freaking _starving_. I rolled my eyes at myself. Was I seriously so American that I was worried about food over how my friends must be feeling? Luffy in particular must be absolutely _furious_ right now, with both himself for letting the enemy get me and with Mr. 3… not to mention how worried sick everyone must be.

"Oi, Madame Tussauds," I said with a flat stare. "You even lay so much as a finger on me, and Luffy will punch you clear into next month. Like, no lie, he'll actually break the very laws of physics themselves, and punch you so freaking hard that you'll fly backwards at the speed of light until you find yourself in next month." I sweatdropped and grinned a weak little grin. "He's kinda bullshit like that."

Mr. 3 turned an unimpressed frown on me. "Yeah, see kid, the thing about Baroque Works agents?" He leaned in close and placed a hand on my shoulder. _"We're. Not. Idiots."_

"You just tried to attack the Straw Hat Pirates and thought you could get away unscathed," I deadpanned. "Yeah, not buying that statement. How bad did it feel to lose to a teenage rookie? Your nose looks a bit crooked, still." I shook my head and clicked my tongue. "Those things never quite straighten out properly, do they? Real shame, that. If the economy in Alabasta is anything like it was back home, I bet all those Baroque Works muns won't be enough to pay for nose surgery."

Mr. 3's eye twitched and he leaned back away from me, straightening up to a stand. "You're damn annoying, you know that?"

"Why, thank you! I'm going for the world record. I mean, let's be honest, a certain blond and his snail would beat me at that game, but they're not even in this story anyway, so it doesn't even matter!"

"Wha…?" My capturer's jaw slackened for a minute as he tried to keep up, then shook his head and simply gave up. "You know what, I've been around Goldenweek long enough to know that asking about stuff like that just gets you nowhere. So, let's cut down to the chase. You tell me and in turn, my organization, everything you know about the future, and I don't make a lifesize candle out of you. Deal?"

I snorted. "No deal, Howie Mandel. I've read and watched too many similar stories to be fooled by bluffs like that. You're all gonna end up killing me anyway, whether I tell you or not, isn't that right? I'd rather live my life in Impel Down than let loose anything that could negatively effect my friends."

Mr. 3 smirked. "So you _do_ know the future."

My face paled. Crap, I'd gotten all wrapped up in bringing him down a notch, and my damned big mouth had accidentally said too much? This was less than ideal. I clenched my teeth and reset my flat stare, even though I was now much more nervous on the inside. "W-Well, even if that's true, you're not even gonna hear what you'll have for tomorrow's breakfast outta me. I'd bet my very life that no matter what happens to me, your sandy-assed boss's plan to take over Alabasta is gonna crash like the waves, because the Straw Hats are already on his case, and through this little stunt, you've gone and made this whole thing _personal_."

"If you're going to be stupid, at least don't try," 3 said with a snort. He folded his arms and smirked menacingly. "Even if they could defeat Mr. 0, they have no chance whatsoever of making it off that island in time! It takes a year for the Log Pose to reset there."

I hummed mysteriously. "Hmm, I suppose you're right about that. But you know, why would we even go there unless we had a plan to get off?"

3's eye twitched. "You little… it's the _Grand Line_. There's no way you all could've known where you'd be headed ahead of ti…" He trailed off. "Oh."

Grunting, I rolled my eyes. "What was that about Baroque Works agents not being idiots?" I mean, hey, they didn't know that the rest of the Straw Hats save Nojiko and King didn't know about the future, so I could play that card as much as I wanted! And any cards I had at all, you could damn well bet that I was gonna play the _hell_ outta them. Sadly, I was admittedly not very bright in the sudden planning game. Huh, I really hope that Stands aren't a thing in this world. I'd kind of be fucked if they were.

I spied with my little eye some movement in the sky. I strained my neck against the mast of 3's ship, the _Grande Galdino_ (seriously, the dude was so self-obsessed he named it after himself!? _Come ON!_ ), to look at the endless blue sky, which… had clouds in it? That was strange, I thought it had been cloudless before. I narrowed my eyes as they seemed to move about. Okay, I don't think clouds forming words in the atmosphere is normal weather, even for the Grand Line.

 _Sadly, even the Grand Line isn't bizarre enough for that,_ the clouds read. _Though… I could always make it happen if you want~! Wink wink!_

Oh, God, what madness have I unleashed upon this unsuspecting world?

"DEFINITELY NOT!" I yelped quickly, causing Galdino aka Mr. 3 to raise an eyebrow.

"Uhh… what? I didn't say anything."

I blinked. "Er, nothing. Please forget that. The world is insane enough as it is."

"Ummm…" Mr. 3 sighed. "You know, I'm just gonna file that under a Drunk Goldenweek Moment. And no, I did _not_ intend for her to have that alcohol."

...As many questions as _that_ raised, I wisely decided to move on with my very messed up life. "Oooookaaaay, you know, can we get back to you uselessly trying to get information out of me and failing at every turn? Because at least that makes sense."

"Agreed," Mr. 3 grumbled, then sweatdropped. "Er… with the small change of you telling me what you know, of course."

"Oh, of course not," I agreed, nodding sagely.

"...This is going to be a really, _really_ long couple weeks, isn't it?"

"That's the smartest thing that's come out of your mouth all day."

Let it be known from here forward that if Evan Johnson was going to be captured and have no way to release his boredom all day, whomever had caused this was not going to be a very happy camper.

The rest of my day passed very slowly. It was extremely repetitive, which was kind of annoying, if I'll be honest. All of it was the same thing: Mr. 3 would sit down with a cup of Earl Grey tea and interrogate me without pause. I would respond with extremely well-thought, superb snarky remarks and refuse to say a single thing that wasn't an insult to him of some kind. Well, I'd also break into random and very (purposefully) out-of-pitch bursts of _Bohemian Rhapsody_ and _Roundabout_ , but that was neither here nor there.

Mr. 3 seemed just as reluctant to make my life comfortable as I was regarding his. I spent the entire day tied to the mast, and he'd sometimes slap or kick me in various places. Never the balls, though, thankfully. I'd had two too many incidents of that happening recently, and I didn't want to go for a third time. I was very worried about my chances of having children after that Little Garden mess.

Did you say something about Little Garden? I didn't say anything about Little Garden. What's Little Garden?

Anyway, I was very hungry that whole first day of my captivity upon the _Grande Galdino_ , and dear Lord I still can't say or think that name without having to bite my tongue to refrain from laughing. Mr. 3 only allowed me to have one full meal, though he did hand me a buttered slice of bread at the end of the day. I supposed this kind of treatment was to be expected of a criminal organization's reluctant prisoner, but still, when I somehow fell asleep that night, I was dreaming of Sanji's cooking. Nothing they gave me quite tasted the same as his delicacies.

It was very tough to fall asleep when one was tied to the mast of an enemy's selfishly named ship. I kept trying to twist against the chains in an attempt to find some spot that I could actually relax against, but none were forthcoming. Hell, I'd had enough trouble with insomnia back home in a full, soft bed, much less against a very stiff mast with cold chains, rough and mind-numbing, chafing against my body. It was only very late into the night when I would be able to achieve any sort of relaxing state, and once again, that was thanks to the summery girl whose debt I'd found myself in quite often these past couple days.

She snuck out of the girl's cabin door, looking carefully around the ship's deck before tiptoeing up to me. I must admit that she looked like a very normal girl, decked out in her pink, panda pajamas like that. Had I not known any better, I wouldn't have said that there was any way she was one of the Top 5 strongest pairs of a criminal organization. She quietly crept along the boards of the _Grande Galdino_ , paint wheel and brush in hand, as I squirmed and shifted about on the mast aimlessly.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed under my breath as quietly as possible. Waking up anyone would be rather troublesome. "You can't be seen helping me! You could get in trouble!"

"I know, but…" Goldenweek hesitated, then bashfully looked to the side, out to the sea, where the waves rolled calmly against the side of the blue-and-white ship. "It's unfair for you to not get a good sleep. I saw you shifting about so restlessly, and, well, I thought I had to do something about it. With my paints, after all… I can at least help you calm down enough to catch _some_ sleep."

I stared at her, slack-jawed. "And you're not the slightest bit afraid of what might happen to you if you're caught?"

"Everyone's asleep but the lookout this late at night," the girl said softly, "and he's drunk off his ass, anyway. I'm fine. Besides, Mr. 3 won't do anything to me."

"Well… what are you gonna do, anyway?"

"Tranquil Green," she murmured, mixing the green on her paint wheel into her paintbrush. "It won't be much, but it'll help you relax enough that you should be able to fall asleep. I'll put it on the inside of your jacket, where your back blocks it, so that nobody will be able to tell it's there."

So saying, she grabbed my jacket, then carefully pulled it out enough for her to be able to carefully paint her hypnotic circle. I watched for any signs of anyone coming, nervously swallowing. I didn't care much what happened to me; I had valuable information, so they couldn't harm me very much lest I be unable to tell them, and 3 had admitted it himself earlier that if possible he'd rather not dirty his hands, but a girl like her… even if Mr. 3 did have a soft spot for her, I doubted he'd be pleased if he found out his "daughter" was betraying him.

"Done," Goldenweek said half a minute later. She tapped my jacket back into place. Having green paint on it didn't quite sit well with me, but I figured I could always get a new one if I couldn't wash it off later with my Devil Fruit powers.

I raised an eyebrow as she stepped back. My brain was already being flooded with relaxation, just from my back having touched the green circle. "You work quickly."

"I could've done it even faster than that, but I wanted it to be as precise as possible to have maximum effect," she murmured.

"Miss Goldenweek," I said, fighting back a yawn and failing, "thank you."

She watched as my eyes fluttered shut and my breathing slowed to an even pace. "No," she said softly, turning and walking back to her cabin. "Thank _you_."

~o~

:: **NOJIKO** ::

The night of their first day out from Little Garden was tense and moody. All of the Straw Hats were downtrodden and reserved, their beloved little caravel almost disturbingly quiet. Even Luffy was making less trouble than usual; he could be seen sat on _Going Merry_ 's figurehead with a deep glower throughout much of the day. Sanji's cooking didn't have quite the same flare to it that it always did, and Zoro was training even more intensely than ever. Nami had locked herself in her map room for much of the day, though this did worry Nojiko a little since she'd complained of feeling a little under the weather that morning. Usopp had busied himself with quietly working on his new toy for Nami (Nojiko supervised, of course, to ensure that he didn't fill it with pointless party functions). Even Vivi and Carue were much more resigned, deciding to help out with any activities around the ship that needed to be done and not saying anything.

And as for Nojiko, she was… Well, to put it simply, she didn't know whether she wanted to scream at the heavens or punch Evan in the goddamned face whenever they rescued him. Because by the gods, they were going to rescue him or die trying.

They had first discovered Evan's disappearance upon noticing that it was taking an unusually long time for him and his monkey partner to return to their group. Nojiko and Luffy had went back to check things out, and discovered a message in King's handwriting hastily scrawled in some mud near where Evan, King, and DK had had their conversation: _They have Evan. All of you go on; I'm gonna follow them and free him if it's the last thing I do. -King_

The high from their victory at Little Garden had since been effectively squashed, shot execution-style, and dropped into the pig's trough.

Without Evan's snarky presence at every meal, cracking dumb jokes that just made you groan… without his random, happy singing of various songs from his world… without his excited explanations about strange stories that he loved, the ship seemed to be a much more dismal place. Even the _Going Merry_ herself seemed down, though Nojiko wasn't quite sure how it was possible for a ship to be depressed. One of their own was missing, and it struck Nojiko's heart with the same kind of painful dagger that she'd lived with for the past seven years of her life. Why did it have to hurt so badly?

Nojiko clenched her fist tightly against the lookout tower—Evan's usual residence when he wasn't training with her or (reluctantly) Zoro. "It's my fault," she muttered murderously. She glared out at the dark sea, wishing she could lead an army down to it and wage war against it. "It's my fault for not keeping a closer eye on 3, for not going to that conversation with Evan. I should've… I should've been there to save his sorry ass. He's not strong enough yet to be able to react in time to sudden events… I should've trained him better, trained him _more_ …"

Her fingers now gripped the crow's nest rail so tightly that her knuckles were turning red.

She missed him terribly. It was strange, Nojiko thought, how much one could miss someone as purposefully annoying as Evan. He was one of those guys who liked to poke fun at you because he thought it was funny, though nothing he said was ever actually hurtful. He was a little bit lazy, which Nojiko found to be bothersome when trying to teach him fighting, although he did always end up buckling down and getting the job done.

Still, he was fun to be around, as annoying as he was. He could take just as much as he dished out, making for some very interesting bantering between him and Nojiko. Having a conversation with him was as unpredictable as the Grand Line itself; they might one day be discussing something that was happening in the newspaper, and then Evan might suddenly branch off onto the topics of a similar experience he'd once had playing mini golf, and Nojiko could mention that one time when Arlong decided to let the Cocoyashi Villagers go to a nearby island to play mini golf one Christmas, and before you knew it they were talking about the pros and cons of different Devil Fruits and their uses in sports. Their daily conversations were as random as roulette, a fact that Evan commonly attributed to him being an ADD patient. Nojiko didn't quite know what ADD was, but she dumbed it down to an "Evan Phrase" and whenever these cropped up, she decided it was probably better to ignore them and move on with her life.

That day had felt very lonely to Nojiko, not hearing his uproarious laughter as they chatted and joked about one completely pointless area and the next.

A hand clapping on her shoulder almost made Nojiko jump. She quickly looked over her shoulder to see none other than her dear sister, Nami, gently holding her shoulder. Nojiko blinked rapidly; she'd been so caught up in her inner conundrum that she hadn't even heard her sister climb the mast.

"Nami?" she said, tilting her head questioningly. "What're you doing up here?"

"It's my turn for watch." Nami released Nojiko's shoulder and shrugged. "Also, you seemed really down. I… couldn't be there to help out a whole lot when we were kids, because most of the time I was out trying to collect money, and when I was home it was _you_ who was helping _me_ , but… I don't like seeing my sister in pain. What's wrong, Nojiko?"

Nojiko glared out at the sea. "What's wrong with all of us?" she asked rhetorically. Nami did not seem very impressed with this, so Nojiko sighed and relented. "It's… I feel like it's my fault he's not here."

"Evan?"

The blue-haired beauty of Cocoyashi nodded.

Nami examined her for several moments. Silence reigned for a bit, and Nojiko curiously looked over her shoulder again. Was her sister trying to think of something to say, or…?

 _SLAP!_

Nojiko raised a shocked hand up to rub gingerly at her smarting cheek, which an outraged Nami had just very roughly slapped.

Or… that, apparently.

"Woman," the orangette barked, "pull yourself together!"

The crew's strategist gaped. "...Eh?"

"You think it's your fault?" Nami demanded, clenching her shaking fists. "You seriously think you had any role to play in this? I thought you were supposed to be the _smart_ one. Hell, you're the strategist and everything, but you're acting pretty damn stupid right now if you ask me."

"...I thought you were supposed to be helping me," Nojiko deadpanned, her cheek still red.

"I am—you just need a _lot_ of it," Nami said flatly. She sighed and ruffled her hair with her hand. "Look, I'm not really good at this kinda thing, but… Well, you can't beat yourself up about this, okay? It's not your fault. We all feel the same way, but at the end of the day, no one's to blame except those Baroque Works bastards who did this. There was no way we could've predicted that they'd try and sneak up on Evan and capture him. Sure, we could've done things to protect him better, but what's done is done and we can't keep moping around. If we do, it's only going to make it harder on us when we get in a battle, which you know is going to happen sooner rather than later."

Nojiko frowned and released the railing. "I… guess you're right. But still… I don't like it that Evan was able to be captured so… so easily. I just… everything feels so different now. _Merry_ feels so much emptier."

Nami considered this for a minute, then grinned slyly. "Nojiko, have you got a thing for our chronicler?"

"What?" The bluenette gaped at her sister. "No, I don't! Don't be silly. You know I don't care about love or crushes or anything like that."

"Mhmm." Nami didn't sound very convinced. "You just didn't have any time for that before. But _now_ …"

"Nami, I know where this is going, and I very much want you to please stop."

"You can run, but you can't hide~!" sang the navigator, leaving Nojiko to facepalm as her eye twitched. Then Nami's wide grin fell into a sad smile. "Anyway, get some rest, alright, sis? It's been a long day. For _all_ of us. Let me take care of things up here for now, and you go get some sleep. The temperature's been dropping fairly steadily since this evening, and I think we're getting near a cold spot sometime soon. Tomorrow's going to be a mess, I'll bet."

Nojiko smiled and nodded. Her sister had really grown up a lot since they were kids. Arlong may have been horrible for their home, but he'd also served as the basis for intense mental development for _all_ of them, and Nami was definitely no exception to this. Nojiko was proud of how far her baby sis had come.

"Alright, alright, I'm going." Nojiko yawned, which drew a blush to her cheeks and a giggle to Nami's lips. She turned and started to step towards the hole that led down the mast, but suddenly stopped as a thought crossed her mind. "Say, Nami," she started, glancing toward her beloved sister, "did you get a bug bite on your stomach on Little Garden?"

"No, why?" Nami tilted her head.

Nojiko let out a breath of relief; Evan had warned her and King that in the original story, Nami was supposed to get bitten by the prehistoric Kestia and fall terribly ill. "Oh, nothing," Nojiko answered. She lowered herself through the hole in the center of the crow's nest and started to grasp the mast. "Just something that happened in the original story. Doesn't matter now, anyway, if you didn't get it…" It made sense, too; in the original story, she'd apparently gotten it because her shirt had been burned away, but in their version of Little Garden, Nami hadn't been in the middle of any fires.

The blue-haired girl was just starting to carefully scoot her way down the mast when the navigator hummed and said something that made Nojiko's heart nearly stop. "Although… you know, I did get a weird bite on my arm."

...Oh, _no_. Her arm. It hadn't had any sleeves covering it!

Nojiko was going to find whatever deity was controlling things in this world and punch it in the goddamned face.

~o~

:: **EVAN** ::

Mental note: Add being chained to the mast of an enemy ship whose name makes me laugh if I so much as think about it, while in the middle of a _fucking miniature hurricane,_ to the list of things that are _not_ fun to do.

It was a mere hundred-meter wider storm, with an eye about two meters in diameter, but it was absolutely hell to go through. It raged and churned like a tornado, waves washing up and crashing over the _Grande Galdino_ (snerk) with all the fury of Nami at her time of the month. And let me just say that I know what that looks like from _experience_. I really hoped that Vegapunk was as ingenuitive in medicine as he was in technology and would very soon develop some form of birth control, because good Lord did that navigator need it BAD.

Ahem.

A pretty miserable time was I having. I'd kind of taken for granted how helpful my autodry abilities had been in the past, because for the first time in what felt like forever, I was well and truly soaked to the bone. Sure, there had been times since I'd eaten the Tempest-Tempest Fruit where I'd fallen in the water and been rendered unmoving, but I'd always been able to instantly whisk away any of the water that had been clinging to my body at those times. The need for using towels had become pretty much nonexistent for me, which made taking showers a minute or two quicker. Now, though? The seastone chains that kept me locked on the mast also prevented me from being able to stop that very annoying rain from absolutely drenching me, and as a result my entire body was shivering against my water-heavy clothes from the cold, relentless storm.

At least the mast was protecting me from a majority of the 100 mph gales blowing crazily about the ship. It's the small things that count, right?

Right.

After the fifth wave the size of the Empire State Building broke over the _Grande Galdino_ and soaked my feet, I'd at last had enough. I rattled my chains and shouted, "Oi! Madame Tussauds! Get me the hell outta these seastone chains and I'll save you sorry asses from these enormous fucking waves that are going to definitely sink your dumbass ship if something isn't done!"

"Oh, right!" Mr. 3 shouted back sarcastically from the yarn as he desperately pulled at the sails in order to furl them back up. They'd been caught unawares by the storm, and hadn't had time to do so yet. "And what, you'll run off across the water to escape, or summon a wave to ride out of here on? See, like I said yesterday, _I'M NOT AN IDIOT!_ "

"Look," I growled, having had it up to _here_ with this moron, "if this ship goes down, I'm gonna go down with it, and I refuse to go out at sea without at least a Viking funeral! I'm in the same boat as you all here! Literally _and_ figuratively! Besides, even if I were to escape, where the HELL would I run off to? I have no fucking idea where the _Going Merry_ is, so I can't get back to my crew, and I have about an equal idea of where Alabasta is, so I can't even regroup with them there!"

Miss Goldenweek, who was up on the yarn helping her partner with the sails, grunted and glanced toward 3. "He has a point. Lost alone out on the ocean, he'd either die of starvation or thirst, or even get eaten by a Sea King. His Devil Fruit powers would be able to help us out here a lot."

"Grkgrhrgk…" He clearly didn't like it, but the raven-haired man gave an extra hard yank to the sails and spat off the yarn. "Alright, alright! I'll unchain you, but _only_ long enough for you to get rid of these waves." He let go of the sails and jumped off the yarn, using his candle powers to swing Spiderman-style from it and fall safely to the deck. He then walked up to me, reached into his pants pocket, and took out a metal key which he stuck into the lock on my chains. He turned it and they fell away to the deck.

"Ohhhh, sweet freedom!" I breathed gratefully, cracking my back. It had been stiff as hell from being forced to be straight all day and night. I casually walked over to the edge of the front of the boat, then thrust my arms out forward. Throwing all of my concentration and rage at being captured out to the sea, I splayed my fingers out wide as a particularly large wave rolled into existence before me.

"Get… the hell… away… from us!" I shouted, pointing directly at it, and even as it swept upon us, a hole in its center burst open. This whole quickly grew in diameter until it was large enough to allow us to pass through unharmed. I could feel Galdino/3 and his men gaping in astonishment behind me, and allowed myself a smirk. Behind me, the wave crashed upon the empty sea, but I didn't look back. Real badasses stay facing forward when cool things like explosions occur behind them.

"Alright, and now to get us out of this mess," I said. I turned to the ship's navigator, a short woman wearing round, metal glasses, whose jaw was touching the floorboards. From her body structure and skin tone, she appeared distinctly Malaysian, and I briefly wondered where in the _One Piece_ world represented that region. "Oi, navigator lady. What's your name?"

"Um… Shefah."

"Well, Shefah, which way is your Eternal Pose pointing?"

"T-Thirty degrees starboard,"she stammered, blinking rapidly.

Thirty degrees starboard… I still wasn't the best with the whole port-starboard nonsense, but starboard was left, right?

...I just confused myself.

Oh, well. I concentrated on the water beneath and in front of our ship and told it to change its current to thirty degrees to the left.

"Oi, that's not the right way!" the navigator snapped, knocking her fist upside the back of my head and causing my head to bobble forward and back a few times. "Well, I mean starboard is right, but you're going left! Are you really a pirate!?"

...Oops?

"If it's any consolation," I said with a sweatdrop, redirecting my commandeered water to the correct flow, "this ain't the first time this has happened before. Besides, I'm not half as bad as my crew's swordsmen. He's got about the directional sense of a rock. Probably less, actually."

Somewhere in the Grand Line behind us, a certain mosshead sneezed.

A few more waves tried very hard to capsize us as I mentally redirected the ocean current to take us out of the storm and closer to Alabasta, but I blasted through all of them in the same manner as the previous one. At last, nearly ten minutes later, sunlight broke past the dark stormclouds that had been omnipresent over the _Grande Galdino_ for the past two hours, and everyone let out a collective breath of relief and collapsed to the deck. I panted exhaustedly; being tied to those seastone chains, then using my powers almost immediately afterwards had really taken it out of me. I wasn't quite exhausted enough to dry myself with a thought, however.

Oh, the delicious sensation of not being chilled by gallons of water soaking your body and clothes!

Mr. 3, Goldenweek, his crew and I all slowly let our exhausted bodies relax on the deck, the sun beating down on us hotly. Energy slowly returned to my muscles and bones, though much less than was normal—likely a result of not being properly fed. Mr. 3 was still tired enough that he hadn't bothered to chain me up again… and since everyone was still out of it…

A plan formed in my head.

"Whoa!" I shrieked, pointing behind 3 and scooting back as far as I could. "That enormous Sea King is coming right for us!"

"WHAT!?" the Baroque Works agents demanded, and everyone promptly swiveled their heads around to stare at the empty space I'd pointed to. Sweatdrops hung on the backs of their heads as they realized they'd been tricked.

"Gotcha, suckers!" I cackled menacingly, and concentrated on the water around me. Before they had time to react, I mentally summoned a massive wave to arch over me and directly at 3. Hope rose in my chest. If I could wash 3 overboard, then I could commandeer this ship, and make the crew take me to Alabasta!

"I don't know how many times I have to say this," 3 sighed, rubbing his forehead, "but to spell it out clearly for you moron of a pirate… _I'm better at strategy than you_."

"Eh?"

I stared as the man with the three for hair lifted his hand tiredly and ejected from it a stream of wax. The wax coiled into the air, then formed into a protective wall that curved down over the ship. The wave crashed into it instead, and harmlessly washed back into the sea. The hope in my chest was crushed.

"Did you honestly think that I would let you pull such a classic trick on me, the third most powerful person in the great organization of Baroque Works?" he growled, standing up and making his wax shell disappear with a flick of his wrist. He stomped across the deck towards me, cracking his knuckles, and my hand twitched down to my belt. I grasped around desperately for my nunchakus, but found only air; they'd confiscated my weapons upon capturing me. Of course they had. Damn it.

How could I get out of this? 3's reaction time was good enough to put up a wall before any of my attacks. I may've had some really cool abilities, but against skill like that, they were pretty much useless. The only way for me to win would be to take him unawares. But to do that, I would have to be outside of his view…

As he drew back his fist to slam it angrily into my face, I dived between his feet, rolled, and came up running. I stumbled as I ran, but regained my balance and headed towards the door into the bowel of the ship. If I could conceal myself somewhere, then attack when he wasn't prepared-!

I lifted my foot up to take a step, but found that a wax lock was placed around it, and promptly fell flat on my face. Ow.

Laughter rose up from his crew.

"He's not a very bright guy, is he?" one of the mooks laughed, shaking his head.

"With the captain's wax, making a run for it is near impossible," agreed Shefah, who brushed a few locks of her hair out of her face.

I shook furiously on the _Grande Galdino_ 's deck. I'd been so close! The door was only ten feet away! I punched the floorboards in my annoyance. Damn it…!

"Caesar, get the chains," Galdino/3 ordered, and one of the crew members, the helmsmen, did as he was told. He brought them over to where I was struggling to get up and free my leg from the white wax, which was attached to the floor. The big, beefy guy promptly lifted me up as though I was just a feather and wrapped the chains around my body. That now very familiar feeling of just barely being able to think flowed over me, dumbing my brain down to a level where I could only make snide comments and such.

"You think you can escape?" Caesar dropped me unceremoniously, and I crashed to the deck, only to find Mr. 3 looming over me. "You're even more of an idiot than you claim I am. You're spending the rest of the day on the mast, and no meals."

My stomach growled furiously, and I struggled and squirmed even as Caesar dragged me to the mast and once again locked me on it.

At last realizing my struggles were futile, I simply pounded my head against the thick wood to vent my frustration. This, of course, only left me with a throbbing headache on top of all my other problems.

Mistakes were made, indeed. Pretty much the story of my life, at this point.


	23. Shit Hits the Fan

**A/N:** _This is it, my friends. This is where everything truly starts. For the grand 2-0, we have an incredible plot twist that I think I can definitely say nobody saw happening. And this is only the beginning, my friends; from here on out, nothing will ever be the same again._

 _Please note that I don't own One Piece. I do, however, own an original story that I'm writing over on Spacebattles, a story called_ The Seichi Chronicles _. If you like people wielding strange and awesome powers to take down terrifying monsters that want to snack on humanity, why not hop on over and give it a read when you're done with this chapter?_

* * *

Chapter 20:  
Shit Hits the Fan

One week into this whole misadventure, I would've killed for a cheeseburger.

No joke. I was just about ready to flat-out grab the nearest knife and shank someone (no, not you, Red Hair) so that I could steal their greasy, unhealthy, and completely calorie-overloaded slab of pretty much fake meat with melted, yellow cow fat, which was likely slathered in ketchup, didn't have enough pickles, and stuck off-center between two pieces of what nutritionally amounted to cake. Oh goodie! I'd reached a new personal low! May I have my reward now, or do I have to sign for it?

Oh, also, I was starting to think I was going crazy. Starvation and Boredom were warring in my brain for the title of Reason Why. In case you were wondering, Starvation is a really beefy guy with blue hair and a tragic backstory. Boredom is an emotionless and petite blonde eternally attached to her smartphone who had daddy issues and a degree in Public Relations that she couldn't do anything with. Seeing how I'd come up with all of this in the first place, Boredom was probably winning.

I call hacks.

"How long will it take for anything you say to make sense?" Mr. 3 groaned rhetorically after I explained all of this to him during another round of interrogation.

I shrugged. Or at least, I shrugged as best as somebody chained to the mast of a ship could. "How many breads have you eaten in your life?" I asked.

My capturer gave me a flat stare. "So… never, then."

"I dunno. Have you never eaten any breads? Because they'd love you at bread civil rights rallies, then."

The poor man stared. I almost felt bad for his unenlightened self. "Wha…?"

"Because you clearly support naan-violence," I quipped. I frowned and tilted my head. "Wait, maybe they'd hate you, then. Uh… Huh. Hm. Can you give me a second to think about that? And by second, I mean a second piece of bacon, of course. It would go great with my cheeseburger!"

The candleman opened his mouth, paused, shook his head, and closed it again. Sunbathing in the front of the ship, Miss Goldenweek just barely muffled her snickers beneath the hand she'd clamped over her mouth.

"You don't even _have_ a cheeseburger," Mr. 3 stated at last.

"Three, Three! Whoa! One does not simply interrupt a man's fantasy! Let me make one thing clear: I want to make sweet, sugary love to Aunt Jemima."

Mr. 3 studied me for several moments, unimpressed. "Mhmm. Well, anyway," he said, sighing and turning to walk into the ship's kitchen, "you won't have known this since you're not facing the sea, but we're going to be landing at Alabasta in about an hour. From there, it'll be about four days on camelback to Rain Dinners, where you'll be transferred to one of Mr. 0's personal cells. If you don't tell me what you know before then, Mr. 6 will be in charge of your interrogation, and I very much doubt you'd like that."

My eyes widened in horror. Face paling, I desperately rattled my seastone chains and pleaded, "I can't go back to prison! My butt can't take that kind of abuse!"

Miss Goldenweek finally lost it. She exploded in uncontrollable giggles that could not be held back even with the help of her hand. I lifted my eyebrow at that; I hadn't quite expected her to be the kind to laugh at those kinds of jokes. Mr. 3, did, though, if the way he wearily sighed and frowned disapprovingly at her was any clue.

"Goldenweek," he groaned, rubbing the spot of forehead between his eyes tiredly, "we do not laugh at the prisoners' jokes. How many times have we been over this?"

"Clearly not enough," I pointed out.

Goldenweek's giggles escalated to cackles. My enemy, apparently having finally realized this was going nowhere except far, far downhill for him, gave a raspy little sigh like he was done with all of this and went into the kitchen. I wasn't sure what he was headed there for; presumably to tell the cook to start preparing lunch for everyone before they made landfall.

His presence gone, I allowed the cheeky grin on my face to slump into an exhausted scowl. Keeping up my own spirits was hard enough this past week or so. I felt empty, terribly empty, from the lack of food. Tiring as that was on its own, I was beating myself up almost constantly. I knew it was stupid, but I was just so _weak_! I'd had it proven to me in Whiskey Peak, and I'd hoped that through my strength training with Zoro, and combat/Haki training with Nojiko and King Kong, that I'd at least manage to hold my own.

But what had happened? I'd immediately gone and got myself captured by Baroque Works.

At first, I'd been able to keep myself thinking positively about it. Even though this had happened, it was over now and the only thing I could focus on was learning from this experience to make myself stronger. That's the train of thought I'd had the first four or so days. By the fifth, I was starting to tire of this. Being positive when the only things you felt each day where overwhelming _nothingness_ and an endless gnawing in your stomach was much harder than one might think.

Now, I couldn't think of anything except how utterly hopeless I was.

My jokes and prods at Mr. 3 were the only reprieve from this constant stream of self-negativity I was able to even scratch at. Even the times when Goldenweek managed to sneak me small pieces of food—sliced up pieces of an apple, the butt ends of loaves of bread—didn't help distract me from it all.

And now I had a new fear to worry about.

Mr. 6, he'd said. Once I was handed over to Alligator Reject at Rain Dinners, I'd be put in Mr. 6's charge. Who was Mr. 6? Us fans of Oda's great work had never gotten any information on him or his partner; not their Devil Fruits, not any stats, not even a drawing. 6 was the only blank card in this whole deck, an enormous, floating question mark. What was he like? Presumably, if he was in charge of the prisoners at Rain Dinners, he wasn't someone who I would want to be on the bad side of. But even that was uncertain.

In this whole operation, he was the only ghost, the only thing I didn't know about, and that was what scared me the most.

Stewing over all of this in my head, I at last hissed to Goldenweek, "Who's Mr. 6?"

Silence. A moment later, I heard footsteps, and saw her coming around the mast to look inquisitively at me. "You don't know him?" she asked quietly, making sure that none of the others on the ship could hear us. "I thought you knew the future."

"Well… I do. For the most part. From my… _sources_ , though, neither 6 nor his partner ever made an appearance. I don't know anything about them."

Goldenweek hesitated, looked left, looked right, and frowned. "Well… honestly, I don't know a whole lot about him myself," she admitted with a slight wince. "I've never met him or Miss Mother's Day. And because of Baroque Works's rules, I can't tell you very much about either anyway. But, I will say one thing."

I leaned in closer, as far as I could against the chains. "What's that?" I whispered hoarsely. My mouth was dry and cracky, which was why today, I sounded rather like a talking skeleton. (No, not you, Brook. You're not a part of this yet.)

Miss Goldenweek leaned in closely too, and held her hand up to cup her mouth. "His Devil Fruit power," she told me, "is the Cow-Cow Fruit, Model: Bull."

I blinked. "Don't bullcrap me."

The girl rolled her eyes, though she was definitely grinning. "No, seriously. It _does_ make for a lot of funny jokes, though. Just… don't tell anyone I make them when I'm sober. I have an image to uphold."

"Of course," I agreed, nodding sagely. Then I stared. "Wait, when you're… Three allows you to get drunk!?"

"Um… I wouldn't say _allows_. More like, tries everything in his power to stop it." She winked. "And fails."

For several moments, I just gaped at her. Then a grin spread across my face. "Oh, I _knew_ there was something about you that I liked."

"Miss Goldenweek!" barked Caesar, stepping around the fo'c'sle from the back of the ship. Lord knows what that guy was doing back there. Probably murdering dogs, or striking manly poses, or whatever it is big and beefy guys do in their spare time. "No talking to the prisoners."

Goldenweek rolled her eyes at me, then turned to the tank of a man with a flat face. "Yes, Caesar," she drawled emotionlessly. She looked at me again, mouthed, _"_ _I'll try and sneak some food to you later_ , _"_ and strode importantly back to her sunbathing spot.

Caesar gave me a calculating frown, then returned to being manly in the back of the _Grande Galdino_ or whatever.

Without anyone to keep my mind off things, that familiar monster in my stomach tried to claw its way out of me again. Great. Just fantastic.

Hello, darkness, my old friend…

"AND NO SINGING!" barked Caesar from the back of the ship.

"Well, fuck you, too," I grumbled under my breath with a tic-pulse pumping on the back of my head. And back to the deep font of despair I go...

~o~

I was pulled from my self-torment about a little over an hour later. No, literally; Caesar, the overly muscled jerk, decided it would be a perfectly prudent and humane way of getting me off the _Grande Galdino_ to grab my sides and yank me clear off the mast, chains and all. The sheer force of the pull made my stomach nearly cave in on itself, and I choked dryly for a disturbing amount of time after he'd slung me over his shoulder like some bag of potatoes. Even after I'd finally stopped choking ten minutes later, my stomach still burnt with a terrible abrasion from the seastone chains sliding against me. He ignored my long-winded cursing as he casually strolled down the ship's gangplank to some port city or another.

"You're a jerkass, you know that!?" I growled, wishing desperately that I could move my body enough to give the bodybuilder a good, solid kick. Fucking kryptonite-esque plot devices. "That was completely and totally unnecessary."

Caesar seemed altogether indifferent about the whole thing. "Mm," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

I bounced a good foot off his shoulder as a result, landing hard on his sharp shoulder bone. _Owww_. What did he have for a skeleton, anyway, really thick knives?

"This is _not_ fun," I grumbled, my eye twitching severely. "This is decidedly _not fun_. If you looked up 'not fun' in the dictionary, they would have a picture of this moment in it."

Goldenweek, walking ahead of us with her hand in her partner's, sent me an apologetic look over her shoulder. Caesar frowned at that, and before he could quite tell what was happening, she turned back around and stared forward, her pink, braided pigtails bouncing in the dry desert wind. The beefy guy narrowed his eyes in an attempt to discern the circumstances. He wasn't looking like was having a good time doing it, though; I guess all that muscle was making up for grey matter.

Around us, the other Baroque Works agents who worked under Mr. 3 marched idly off the boat and down into the port town.

"Where are we, anyway?" I asked, frowning at the wide expanse of square, alabaster buildings that stretched out before my captors and I. It vaguely reminded me of some desert towns I'd once built in Minecraft. The architecture felt very Arabian, yet at the same time… somehow _different_.

Shefah, who was walking directly behind us, shrugged. "Madina," she said, shaking her long, dark hair to cool herself. "It's one of Alabasta's major ports, and where we'll be meeting with Miss Mother's Day before heading off to Rain Dinners."

It was boiling hot, a fact represented by that literally steaming crab scuttling along the shoreline and back to the water. The sun was freaking _relentless_ today, and I'd already gotten several nasty sunburns from my many hours tied to the mast all week long. My eyebrow raised at that. How did humanity even survive a year in weather this hellishly hot, forget form an entire country!?

Yeah… _yeah_ , you know what? No. No, I'm actually not surprised at all by this. Why? Because _One Piece_ , that's why. _Of course_ something like this is possible.

Besides, knowing the forces of nature in _this_ particular world, it was highly likely that the sand was only actually that hot where the crab was actually walking. And… you know what, I'm abandoning that train of thought _right fucking there_ , because I'm no Chopper and I _reeaaaaally_ don't want to get a headache on top of all my other bullshit right now.

Shaking my head in an attempt to get myself back on track, I looked back at Shefah with a confused frown. "We're meeting Miss Mother's Day?"

"Yes," the Malaysian woman replied. "She has a report to give us before we head off to Mr. 0's casino."

"A report… why to Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek?"

"Because they're the direct superiors of Mr. 6 and Miss Mother's Day. Anything they do gets reported to my captain and his partner, first, who relay it to Mr. 0 if it's anything important. If it's not, or if it's a report on a failure, then Mr. 3 has the designation to decide any punishments handed down to them, up to but not including demotion. Anything that serious is reserved for Mr. 0 and Miss All-Sunday to decide. All of the other Frontier Agents respond to another Number Agent, too, the one that's their number divided by two."

"Hmm, I get it," I said slowly, trying to shift to a more comfortable spot on Caesar's shoulder. "So, it's just helping Alligator Reject not be bogged down by pointless calls from all his different subordinates. Well, your organization may be a war machine, but… at least it's a well-organized one? I guess?"

"Both of you shut up," grumbled Caesar. "Other people talking annoys me."

"A shining gem is you," I mumbled under my breath, but wisely shut up upon receiving a testy glare from him.

As we made our way to wherever the hell our meeting place with Miss Mother's Day was, I didn't have a whole lot to do. Therefore I resorted to taking in as much of the sights as I possibly could. And Madina was certainly a city with a lot to offer in that regard. It was bustling with people, most of whom regarded me with strange looks and then hurriedly shuffled by, probably trying not to draw attention to themselves. Smart people! Anyway, the city was admittedly beautiful, with sprawling streets that were lined the entire way with street vendors and open-air markets of all kinds. Colorful banners hung on the walls of the buildings, depicting what kind of shop or service it was.

"Magic spring water!" one vendor shouted, waving a bottle of water high above his head for the crowd in the streets to see. "Get your magic, youth-endowing spring water here!"

Someone across the street from him, swathed in long and flowing white robes to help protect him from the sun, hefted a gleaming sword in a diamond-encrusted sheath. "Ever wanted a sword from the first king of Alabasta himself? I have his personal blade here in my collection! For today only, I'm willing to part ways with it for a meager two hundred million belli! Come take it if you're a real man!"

I sweatdropped. "Man, these people really go all out with their advertising, huh?"

"It's shocking what the tourists are willing to believe," Shefah agreed, staring flatly at the diamond-encrusted sword. "Look at those diamonds; they're obviously fake. They're not catching the light right."

A hard fist, courtesy of Caesar, smacked me upside my head. "No talking!"

"You're definitely the life of the party," I said with a roll of my eyes. "Girls must be _all_ _over_ you."

 _SMACK_.

" _OW!_ Alright, alright, I get it! Jeez, you trying to give me a concussion or something?"

"Yes."

 _I am going to unleash a bunch of rabid hamsters in your bed_ , I thought with an annoyed glare in his direction, but he pointedly ignored my nasty look and instead jostled me around roughly. Ow ow ow ow. Today _sucked_. Did I mention that yet? Because today really, REALLY sucked.

 _Just like your life_ , whispered that nasty voice in the back of my mind that was becoming so very familiar recently.

I mentally whacked it with a canoe paddle. _Shut up and go back to your texting, Boredom,_ I thought back.

 _Okay, okay… I was just trying to contribute_. Boredom, sulking, returned to her phone.

We happened to pass by a street vendor who sold absolutely scrumptious-looking shish-kebabs. My eyes roamed over them and stayed glued there like Sugarland. I desperately tried to force myself to look away, but the beast in my stomach had been well and truly wakened. It growled ravenously, kicking and screaming, and I cursed furiously at it under my breath.

Ahead of me, Miss Goldenweek stopped and tugged on Mr. 3's arm. "3-san, can we please get some food?" she said quietly, pointing at the shish-kebab seller.

3 hesitated, looking from the vendor to his surrogate daughter. "Well…" He paused a moment. "The meeting's in ten minutes. We don't have much time to spare." She looked up at him with big, innocent eyes, and he sweatdropped before hanging his head and sighing. "Alright, you win. Just so you know, though, that's cheating. We'll all stop and get an extra snack."

"We all just had lunch on the ship," Caesar pointed out.

Puppy dog eyes intensified.

has suddenly stopped working. Abort mission, I repeat, abort mission.

 _"_ _We're going to get an extra snack,"_ 3 growled through gritted teeth, his entire face twitching. _"_ All _of us."_

The sight of Mr. 3 stiffly marching over to the shish-kebab street vendor like his very life depended on ordering everyone in his posse a stick of meat and veggies was enough to bring me momentarily out of my funk and have to fight back a severe burst of giggles. I only just managed it, but it was a close call. I may or may not have unleashed a humored snort that earned me a calculating frown from Caesar, and a shaking head and small smile from Shefah. A very large majority of 3's crew was either sweatdropping or jaw dropping, or both, as the dark-haired man ordered shish-kebabs for not only Goldenweek and his other subordinates, but even two for me.

"Don't you dare ask me for anything else," 3 hissed at me as Goldenweek stoically fed me the shish-kebabs. It was a bit degrading being fed by a child, but I couldn't exactly move my arms, so… Anyway, 3 was continuing his annoyed growling. "I'm not doing this out of the kindness of my heart. I'm doing this because I know if I failed to buy you something I'd likely wake up with spiders in my bed."

I blinked at that. Huh, I never nailed Goldenweek as the pranking type before. She'd love Usopp and Chopper.

Once I'd finally finished the last bit of the shish-kebabs that 3 had bought me, I found that my stomach was actually raging and yammering even more, but at least I actually had something in my belly now. Not everybody was able to finish their sticks, so a lot of the food ended up being tossed into a nearby garbage barrel. This all done, we returned on our path to wherever the hell it was that our meeting with Miss Mother's Day was going to be taking place. My body quickly filled up with more energy than I'd had in what felt like forever.

Oh, also, Boredom had just punched Starvation so hard that he was sent flying into the walls of my brain and coughed blood. That was a thing.

Maybe?

"You are _so_ weird," Shefah said, looking at me with a disturbed frown out of the corner of her eyes.

I grinned. "Thank you. I try!"

"Of course you do," she said, rolling her eyes.

Caesar gave a low, tired growl. "You know what?" he grumbled like he hated everything. "That's it, you win. I'm not going to keep beating a dead horse."

"Hey, hey, the big guy's learning!" I jeered with a wide grin. "I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks, after all!"

"I'm _thirty_!" the bodybuilder protested. Then a horrified look crossed over his face. "No, no, no. I am _not_ letting you pull me into your madness."

 _"_ _There is no escape~!"_ I sang-whispered in his ear. I mean, hey, if he was gonna give me so close of an access like this, I was going to take full advantage of it! And the amount his face paled made everything so very worth it.

Finally, a short while later, we reached the place where our meeting with Miss Mother's Day would be occurring: a giant library sitting on the top of a hill which had a great view of the top of the Madina and the ocean. This library was a giant sandstone structure with domed ceilings covered in glass, allowing natural light to shine upon the floors below. Inside, it had five stories, although the top four were actually just balconies, really. Shelves upon shelves of books, magazines, and all sorts of readable items lined the contours of the Madina Public Library. Chairs set up at tables and thoughtfully placed couches took up the rest of the floor space. A magenta and black carpet with a vine pattern laid beneath them.

I'm gonna be honest here: It was absolutely breathtaking. I'd always been a huge fan of libraries myself; I loved books and anything to do with writing. My senior year of highschool, I'd even spent a good chunk of time at my hometown's library completing my homework in the relaxing atmosphere of a building for books. Despite the seastone chains sapping the majority of my brain power and concentration, I couldn't help but feel more relaxed and down-to-earth than I'd felt since the Straw Hats and I had landed at Little Garden.

A librarian at an ornate, red oak desk looked up at us without much care at first, but did a double-take when she saw my heavily sunburnt face and the dark chains wrapping around my entire body like a cocoon. She opened her mouth to speak and reached out towards me, but I sent her a desperate glare: _Shut the fuck up unless you want them to do something to you, too, lady!_ The librarian, a short, blonde woman, blinked in concern, then slowly closed her mouth and returned to her previous task of stamping returned books, albeit more nervous than before.

Our group made our way across the intricately detailed carpet to a flight of sweeping stairs that parted directions halfway up, one side going to the left and one to the right. They had a small landing that dropped visitors off on either side of the second floor, then they continued spiraling up to the third floor, where the process repeated itself until it reached the fifth. Two sets of these staircases existed in the Madina Public Library, one in the back and one in the front; we took the one in the front since it was closest. Caesar didn't bother taking small steps to reduce the injuries I would get from bouncing on his shoulder while we went up the staircase; therefore by the time we reached the fifth floor, I was cursing softly and probably had a lot more bruises.

"Everyone else, stay back and keep watch over the area," Mr. 3 requested once we reached the top. He rolled his head around to crack his neck, then frowned at his subordinates. "I don't want anyone interrupting this meeting, understood?"

"Y-Yes, sir!" the crew, including Caesar and Shefah, said with a firm salute.

The man with the three for hair nodded, then turned and walked down the balcony towards two couches that faced each other from either side of a low, round table. Only one person sat on the couches, reading a book: a tall blonde woman with short hair, most of which was covered by a rather expensive-looking sunhat. Of the hat, only one noticeable feature stood out to me—a large flower that I could see poking out from around the left front.

"Good," Mr. 3 said. "Goldenweek, Caesar, come with me. And bring our… cargo with you, Caesar. It would be wise to hand him over to Miss Mother's Day while we're here, anyway."

Miss Mother's Day… I swallowed as Caesar roughly carried me with him. Was I going to be the first fan of Oda's great work to see her face? Just who was she, anyway?

We reached the couches opposite Miss Mother's Day, and Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek slowly sat down beside each other. With an uncaring "Tch," Caesar hefted me off his shoulder and under his arm, then suddenly tossed me at the couch. I hit the back hard and ricocheted off to the soft cushion. The bodybuilder then gruffly made his way back to the rest of the group. Groaning, I thought, _At least I had a soft landing…_

"It's a lovely day outside, isn't it?" the mysterious woman hummed. I wiggled around so that I could see her, and frowned. She dressed rather plainly for an important member of a criminal organization; all that she wore was a light blue, single-color dress with a darker blue cape attached. The bottom part of the dress was the only colorful part, and even that was merely a diamond pattern of white, gray, and different shades of blue. Black high heels protected her feet, and I found myself hoping she'd never find reason to kick me—those things would _have_ to hurt. My eyes then strayed upwards, hoping to catch a glimpse of her face, but the majority of it was blocked by her book, save for some of her forehead and her hat.

I frowned as I read the vertical title on the side of Miss Mother's Day's book: _Two Hundred Failed Marine Assassination Attempts_. Guess she liked historical documents or something. Strange, but not the weirdest taste in literature I'd ever seen. Of course, the book was probably filled from the ninth layer of Hell up with all sorts of pro-WG propaganda, so I wasn't sure if it could really be classified as "literature." More like "a steaming pile of bullshit" if one were to ask me.

"The grey clouds aren't just in my heart," replied Mr. 3 with a sigh.

Goldenweek sighed and rolled her eyes. "This code bullshit is bullshit. Can we just get on with the meeting? Miss Mother's Day?"

"Oh, you cutie," Miss Mother's Day cooed, snapping her book shut to reveal… an absolutely unfamiliar face that I'd never seen before. "You really are stubborn, aren't you, Miss Goldenweek? Didn't I say the last time we met that it was perfectly fine to call me Stussy?"

Stussy? I blinked. I didn't remember any characters in the canon story with the name of Stussy. But as I wracked my brain searching for any memories of SBS's with her in them, or any mentions of her names in passing, or even fan theories, the strangest thing happened. I suddenly felt an aura that I could only describe as true fear emanating from her, piercing the very air around us. Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek seemed altogether unaffected by it, but if the seastone chains were numbing my concentration, then this aura was numbing my entire brain function.

"And just who might this cute boy, be, hm?" Stussy asked with an amused smile as I flinched and desperately rolled around, trying to get away from her aura. It was no use; with my chains locking my arms and legs in place, I might as well have been trying to escape the pull of a black hole. "I wasn't told of any civilians being brought to the party."

Mr. 3's eye twitched. "Miss Mother's Day," he growled under his breath, "must I remind you that it is against Baroque Works's rules to use our real names in meetings with other agents? And I'm afraid that as a higher rank than you, I don't have to tell you who will be attending our meetings."

"You certainly make a good point," she drawled, a calm, thin smile on her lips. The horrible aura retreated like a Doberman whose owner had called it back from attacking a pedestrian. Free from the panic-inducing aura, I took grateful gasps of air, deep and raspy. A cold sweat dripped down my face as I slowly returned to a normal state. Stussy chuckled and crossed her legs. "But don't you think it's fair for both parties involved to be forewarned of the circumstances?"

"Miss Mother's Day, just please give us your report," Mr. 3 said through gritted teeth. He looked even more annoyed than when I'd been relentlessly teasing him. "Once you're done, I'll hand over my prisoner here to you, so that you can take him back to Rain Dinners with you. He's been a thorn in our side since we captured him and brought him on our ship, so I'd appreciate it if you could take his reins. He's a Straw Hat."

"A Straw Hat, eh?" Stussy set her book down on the table between us and regarded me with a cool, calculating smile. She brushed aside a lock of her golden hair and her eyes twinkled. "I guess you're not as much of a failure as we all thought, then, Mr. 3," she hummed. "When word got out that you hadn't managed to take down the Straw Hats, we all expected a story of a crushing defeat. But at least you got _one_ of them."

3's eyes were piercing with his rage. " _ENOUGH_ , Miss Mother's Day. Just give me your goddamned report."

"Very well. The Marine officer who stumbled upon a trail of activities leading back to Baroque Works has been dealt with…"

Most of her report ended up getting drowned out in my head. I was having trouble paying attention to it because of the much more pressing concern I had at the moment: What the _hell_ had this "Stussy" woman just done to me? Even though that strange aura was no longer lingering in the library, every inch of her, every nerve in my body screamed DANGER! I couldn't lay eyes on her again without severe trembling coursing up and down my being and my heart racing a million miles and hour. I'd never felt fear like that before. What could have caused it? It almost felt like what I'd imagined Conqueror's Haki to, but there was no way any of the _Number_ Agents could have that, right? Much less someone in the Paradise half of the Grand Line who wasn't a Warlord or a Marine?

Just what the _hell_ was this woman capable of?

"...And our mission was very nearly compromised by being forced to enter into a drawn-out duel with the captain of his base," Stussy concluded, shrugging. "If it hadn't been for your call to organize this meeting making our snailphone ring and momentarily distracting Captain Forburn, things might have been rather nasty. His Devil Fruit was particularly annoying and we likely would've wound up in a long-term battle, or at least been unable to defeat him. He's been known to chase down his opponents relentlessly, too, so it probably would've taken at least a month to shake him off our trail. We'd have been unable to return to Alabasta. Luckily for us, though, your wanting a meeting made everything go smoothly."

"Well, I suppose that's a relief," Mr. 3 sighed. He rubbed his head. "I can tell you're rather curious about just why I called this meeting to place, anyway, so I'll go ahead and explain myself. This Straw Hat"—he rapped my head roughly, which made me wince—"is named Evan Johnson, and he seems to have at least some foresight. We overheard him talking to his friends on Little Garden, and he knew that Miss Goldenweek and I were going to attack him there despite the fact that we hadn't even let anyone except our helmsman know where we were heading to. He also knew I was planning to capture them with my ultimate secret technique, and was able to name it; no one except Miss Goldenweek has ever seen it and lived."

"Future knowledge, hm?" Stussy regarded me with a new expression, something I wasn't quite sure what it was. It felt rather like I was an interesting cake in a sweet shop which she was considering buying. This woman just felt really unsettling altogether, and I didn't like it one bit. "Very interesting. I see now why you were content with only capturing him. The boss will definitely like to know about this."

Strangely, I couldn't help thinking that she seemed to be talking about "boss" as though it was someone other than Crocodile.

"Go ahead of us and take him to Mr. 6," 3 instructed. He picked me up underneath his arm, using a lot more physical strength than he seemed to have at first glance. He then set me upright and walked me over to her. "You said that he was already at Rain Dinners, right? That's perfect. ...Move your damn feet, pirate. I said, move!"

"No," I grunted, tensing my muscles as much as I could. Cold sweat caked my face. I didn't like that look on Miss Mother's Day's face one bit. I didn't like how every part of her made my nerves fire off warning sirens. "I w-won't take a single s-step."

Stussy tilted her head and smiled thinly. It didn't reach her eyes. "What's wrong, _sir_?"

"D-Don't take me t-to her," I stammered, my heart pounding. "3. D-Don't bring me any c-closer, _please_."

Miss Goldenweek frowned. "Are you alright?" she asked flatly. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Quit your whining and move your feet already," 3 growled, his eye twitching furiously as he summoned a giant gauntlet around his arm made of wax. He smashed this into my back, causing me to stagger suddenly in pain over to Stussy, and I somehow managed to keep my balance enough to not fall on her, despite the chains restricting my movement. That horrible pounding of my heart increased a hundredfold, and my mouth felt dry, like the desert had decided to invade and claim it. Suddenly, the library no longer felt relaxing, no longer felt a place of safety. Instead, it felt like the entrance to a prison, an unending maze locking me within inescapable terror.

"N-No! No!" I shouted desperately, hoping that some library visitor would hear me and somehow help out. Anything to save myself from the jaws of this beast standing up from her couch and slowly striding over to lock me in her clutches. "I w-won't go! I _won't!_ "

Howling in terror, I threw myself back and crashed heavily into the floor. The seastone chains shook with my trembling, and I undulated like a worm in an attempt to escape being handed off to Stussy.

Cold terror clutched my heart when I felt wax flow around my entire body except for my head and harden. All movement I'd previously had was abruptly cut off, and a whimper like a cat finally cornered by slobbering, rabid dogs rose from my throat. Stussy's hand, cold and heartless, grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and yanked me up to look her in the eyes. Something monstrous danced behind those orbs, something that I never wanted to look at as long as I lived. I squeezed my own eyes shut, fearing that if I stared anymore, I'd have a heart attack. I _refused_ to die of a heart attack before I was at the very least fifty-five years old. Anything earlier than that would just be embarrassing.

"Now, now," Stussy said with a sickly sweet tone, "my new boy toy wouldn't be trying to escape me, would he?"

"I'd r-rather die… than be your b-boy toy," I growled, my voice cracking.

"So defiant… truly, the heart of a pirate lies in you." Stussy giggled a very humorless giggle. "We're going to have a lot of fun, you and I."

Even then, I wasn't aware of it yet, but shit had only just started to hit the fan.

~o~  
 **THAT EVENING, MARINEFORD**

Sengoku. Hated. Talk Like a Pirate Day.

All day, people had anonymously called him and said absolute _bullcrap_ in fake pirate accents. Several of the Vice-Admirals had been spotted wearing an eyepatch despite retaining _both_ of their eyeballs. And, most infuriating of all, absolutely everyone except Akainu had started calling beer "booze!" Even sake! _Sake was nothing! Like! Booze!_ It was the water of alcohol, not some ridiculously oversaturated bullshit that made you feel like fucking monkeys with cymbals were dancing around in your head!

Several hundred miles away in the Grand Line, a member of the DK Crew sneezed.

"Oy, cap'n," T-bone, who had suddenly entered Sengoku's office without knocking, said. "Aye 'ave a mess'ge from _tha'_ snail, arrgh."

Sengoku. _HATED._ Talk like a _FUCKING._ _ **PIRATE. DAY.**_

"I think that table's seen its fairrrre share of abuse, cap'n," T-bone observed.

Sengoku lifted his head from the table. "Of all the members of the Marine force," he growled furiously, his Conqueror's Haki flowing unrelented from him, "I expected you of _ALL PEOPLE TO BE SANE, SHIP CUTTER!"_

T-bone trembled with the force of Sengoku's Haki, but shook it off and sighed. "I'm sorry, sir, it's a common practice to relieve stress among our soldiers. I must have got carried away with it. Anyway, we have a message from _that_ snail. I believe you know what that means. I will leave it in your possession."

"Thank you, Ship Cutter," sighed Sengoku, rubbing his smarting head. T-bone might have been right; perhaps his desk _had_ seen its fair share of abuse. "Please leave it on my desk, then _you_ leave."

"Yes, sir. Of course, sir."

Bowing politely, T-bone sat the transponder snail in question, an elegant pink one with a white shell and blonde, curly hair down its head, on Sengoku's desk. He then made a hasty departure and locked the door behind him. Sengoku was left alone with the ringing snail, and sighed before picking up the transceiver.

"Marine HQ. Sengoku speaking."

 _"_ _Hello, Head Admiral-_ sama. _"_

"Stussy," he said tiredly, "please tell me you have good news. And do _not_ talk like a pirate."

 _"_ _Oh, I have better than good news. My little… Alabastan_ assignment _took quite an unexpected twist this morning, and I think you will be very interested in this information…"_

Without further ado, Stussy quickly relayed the events of her morning. Slowly, Sengoku's eyes widened and several years fell off his face.

Sengoku. Loved. Talk Like a Pirate Day.


	24. Now I See You

Chapter 21:  
Now I See You...

I don't know who invented suffering, but someday, when I'm dead and gone and resting very unpeacefully, I will search through the very bowels of Hell itself to give them a good, solid kick in the balls. If it turns out that they're female? _Too bad_. They're getting kicked in the balls _anyway_.

Allow me to explain: Being. Stussy's. Prisoner. SUUUUUCKED.

The good news was that Stussy wasn't the type of person who believed in starving her prisoner. Under her… "care," I actually received a full three meals a day again. Meat started to return to my bones. Although I'd lost a great deal of weight in the past week and a half, I was feeling much better in that regard than when this whole mess had begun.

The bad news was that she was a complete and utter sadist.

We spent a good chunk of the next few days zipping across the sand in one of those sand surfing "sleds" from the anime's version of the Alabasta Arc. I had no idea how these things were physically possible, but it felt a little bit amazing to be zipping over the sea of sand so ridiculously quickly. Unfortunately, I didn't have a whole lot of time to marvel at the feeling, because…

"Tell me everything you know!"

 _Fwump. Crack._

 _..._ Yeah, that.

"Owwww," I groaned flatly. I didn't even have the energy to express my pain correctly anymore. Stussy had kept me awake for the past three nights, refusing to let me get an ounce of sleep. "Can you get high heels that taste a little bit better, please? And whose heels don't hurt quite as badly?"

The crazy blonde drove her heel deeper into my nose, and her toes deeper into my mouth, in response. "You're going to eat my shoe until you tell me everything you know about the future, cutie," she said with a truly disturbing amount of glee. Her tongue flicked out and slowly licked her lips, her eyes mad and completely focused on the dry tears in the corners of my eyes.

"You're going… to regret that when you meet my friends…" I choked out.

"Regret that?" Stussy's eyes glazed over with madness. "I don't regret _anything_ , Evan-chan."

"I'm no Jackie, so... stop it w-with the Chan," I growled, wishing I could clock her but good. Unfortunately, I was a little tied up at the moment. Heh. Overusedpuns are overused, but damn if they're not good. "And besides, what's up… with the honor… _ow!_... honorifics, anyway? I h-haven't heard anybody else… use them."

"I'm the one asking questions here, got it?" the sadist snarled, kicking my head roughly. I spat blood and howled as my head flopped to the other side and hit the deck of the sand sled; I'd accidentally bitten my tongue.

Some backstory for those confused: once I'd been very unwillingly handed off to my current sadistic captor, Stussy, she had pulled me by my ear… _literally_ … to a sort of dock at the opposite end of Madina from the shore. This dock was actually a _sand dock_ , meant for Sand Sleds and their ship captains. As it turned out, Stussy was able to… ahem, "convince" the owner of our current means of transportation to take us to Rain Dinners. I don't know what exactly that entailed, since I had been forced to wait on the floor outside the captain's quarters, but it had involved what sounded like cracking whips and a lot of happy screaming. Needless to say, I was remarkably uncomfortable and appropriately horrified, though the captain, someone named Barbarossa, was happy enough that he didn't even make my captor pay for the ride afterwards. He even agreed not to come into our quarters no matter how much agony he heard (namely, mine from Stussy's many painful interrogations).

Present time, I tried to desperately spit the coppery taste of my own blood out of my mouth. I'd bitten my tongue several times in the past, but never quite hard enough to draw blood. My dad had done so a few memorable times, but me? Never. It hurt like a bitch, and also the liquid of life tasted downright awful.

Yuck. At least now I knew I'd be a terrible vampire.

Stussy cackled as she kicked my head again, and I was flopped unceremoniously back to the other side. Pain shot through my skull, both of my cheeks throbbing where her heel had struck. "Let's start with something simple," she said, grabbing me by the collar and yanking me up to look me straight in the eyes. I tried desperately to lean my head away as much as I could—did this woman have no regard for personal space or something!? "Where will the other Straw Hats end up when they arrive in Alabasta?"

"I don't know where... all of them will be…" I hissed, glaring at her, "but I do know… where Luffy will be…"

Stussy grinned savagely. "And where would that be, _sir_?"

My next words were more of a growl than actual speech. I spat right in her slightly open mouth and snarled, "Kicking your sorry ass to the fucking moon. Prepare to find out whether it's really a hunk of green cheese or as much rock as your head's filled with, bitch."

"Wrong answer."

 _PAIN!_

I was sent flying into the back wall from a truly nasty kick which Miss Mother's Day had landed in my stomach. It left me reeling, choking for air, and I spat blood from my tongue all over the floor. Stussy stomped over to my hogtied (hogchained?) self, a truly pissed glare covering her face. She hung her tongue out and wiped it off with her hand, disgusted at the action I'd taken. "Still so defiant, straight to your very core," she said dangerously, flicking her hand dry. She rolled up her sleeves and glared down at me from under the shadow of her admittedly stylish hat. Who knew someone as inhuman as her could have good fashion sense? "If we weren't on opposite sides, I might've liked to see you… in other circumstances."

"Fuck… you…" I choked out.

"In another world," Stussy said flatly, before lifting her foot and slamming it forward for another crushing kick. My already broken nose screamed in pain, throbbing like a hangover centered in one location. Well, I'd never known what a hangover felt like, but… what I _imagined_ that to be, at least. I howled and tried to clutch at my face, but of course, my metal cocoon prevented me from doing anything even remotely close to that. My arms merely twitched as my raw scream rose up to the ceiling.

Gasping for air, I blinked tears out of my eyes and glowered at the face of my tormentor. A smirk spread across my lips, and insane laughter bubbled out of my throat. Stussy stomped on the ground, her hands on the waist of her diamond-patterned dress as she regarded me from above the bridge of her sharply inclined nose.

"What's so funny?" she said, frowning.

My laughter didn't die for several minutes. Finally, the blood from my tongue got caught down the wrong pipe, and I spent several moments hacking and coughing before regaining my smirk. "Veehihihi! Oh, nothing, nothing," I hummed, shaking my sunburnt head. My smirk widened. "Just saw the irony behind that statement, that's all."

Stussy narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, nothing," I said again, and that laugh bubbled up again. "Veehihihi! In another world, _I'm_ probably beating _you_ up instead right now. See, that's the funny thing about the Multiverse Theory: somewhere in this unbelievably vast world, you're just a weak-ass little _bitch_ whose face my foot is driving into the ground."

The Baroque Works agent was silent for a few moments as she considered my statement. The shadow from her hat prevented me from seeing a majority of her face, for she'd tilted her head up in thought. Finally, with a flat stare that was somehow more terrifying than any insane smirk or smile or laugh that she'd given me before, she said, "And conversely, that means that at this very moment, a million of _me_ are still making _you_ their bitch."

 _WHAM._

That kick was enough to knock me unconscious for a solid ten minutes. When I came to, blood trickled down the side of my face where her high heel had connected with my forehead. I was still on the floor of the Sand Sled (seriously, how was this possibly a thing? I mean, yeah, it's _One Piece_ , but… do physics even _exist_ here!?) and lying in a small pool of my own scarlet blood. That chilled my bones a bit. I knew head wounds bleed a lot worse than the wound actually was, but… yeesh, that was freaky.

"You're a real bitch, you know that?" I grumbled, trying desperately to ignore the throbbing in my head that was probably due to both my lack of sleep and Stussy's most recent punishment.

"Born and raised," Stussy, who still loomed over me, said resolutely.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course you'd take that as a compliment."

"Since you're not being cooperative," my captor said after a beat, completely ignoring my snark, "I've thought about what to do to you while you were out to make you cooperate. And as it so happens, I came up with a perfect plan."

"Bitch, nothing you can do to me will make me rat out my friends," I snarled. I glared up at her unwaveringly; I wanted her to _know_ without question that my fellow Straw Hats would always remain protected no matter what situation I could be in. "I will always keep my friends safe. I will always put my life on the line for theirs. And I will always. _Always!_ Defy those who try and control our freedoms! Because I'm terrified of one thing, and one thing only," I continued, managing to squirm myself into a seating position, then stand up without the use of my hands. "And that one thing… is to be unable to look them in the face ever again."

Stussy paused, then smirked. "Funny you should bring that up."

I hesitated. "...Why?"

"Because as it so happens, my plan…"

 _CRSSSK._

As I stood gaping, Stussy's foot suddenly _vanished_. No, not vanished, my brain processed moments later: It moved faster than my eyes could possibly follow to being fully extended. The very air sang a song of death, and blue light flashed through the space between us. I had no time to react. One moment, the blue beam of death wasn't there, and the next, it had bit a hole through the wall an inch from my head.

Horrified, my head slowly turned to stare at the gaping hole out to the blistering hot desert that flashed by outside.

"...Is to cut off _little_ parts of you 'til you spill," Stussy continued, a truly feral expression composing her countenance. She placed her foot firmly back on the floorboards. "Starting, of course, with your eyes."

Pale, I stared back at her. "You wouldn't," I said at last, my voice raspy with disbelief. "You're kidding."

"If there is one thing I don't do, pirate, that is _kid_. And know this: my next attack won't miss."

My brain ran a million miles an hour. What had she just done? That ridiculously quick movement… that blue arc of light… that hole in the wall that looked like it had been cut out with a sword… it seemed like Rankyaku, one of the six Rokushiki techniques of CP-9. But that was impossible—Stussy was a criminal. She was a criminal working for a _Warlord_. There could be no possible way that she'd know Rokushiki, the ridiculously intense martial arts that even monsters like Lucci had to spend _years_ training in before they mastered it. For that, she'd have to be of Marine status. I wasn't sure what rank, but… in any case, it was impossible! _Impossible!_ She had to have some sort of Devil Fruit ability that just… that just resembled it or something.

 _It just wasn't possible!_

Like what had happened in the Madina Public Library, a _wave_ of pure power blasted from her, knocking me back against the wall and making me slump down to my knees. I howled as it slammed against my mind, as it tore at me like an invisible monster. My ears rang.

 _"_ _What happens in the future of Alabasta?"_ These seven words weren't so much a question as they were a command. Stussy was flat-out _demanding_ I reply, and in the way that she desired, of course.

I opened my mouth.

"M-Me…" Fear seized my throat. What was I doing? Was I a fucking moron or something? Being stubborn now of all times was only going to get me maimed. "Me… g-getting…" Stop it you crazy bastard, stop it stop it _stop it!_ "Me getting both of my eyes chopped out."

…. _FUCK!_

Stussy's eyelids slowly crept shut. "I see."

Her legs blurred.

"But you won't."

My ears ringing, I did the only thing I knew how to do: Be a stupid fucking moron. "Of course I fucking will, you bitch. See you in Hell, that is."

 _CRSSSK._

" ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!_** "

~o~  
:: KING KONG ::

The sun was fucking hot. The wind was fucking intense. All that sand in his face and fur was fucking annoying. But most annoying of all?

How the _hell_ birds were able to fly.

["Oh goddammit, not again!"] King howled as he tumbled out of the sky like a sack of potatoes dropped from the Empire State Building, the makeshift wings made of feather and wax that he'd crafted shuddering violently. The ground below spiraled closer and closer at breakneck speeds, and his stomach tossed rather violently. He was lucky he'd skipped lunch; had he actually eaten any, he was sure that it would now be either all over the many, many kilometers of sand dunes that were rising up to greet his face, or it would be sticking very grossly to his pristine, white fur. And he _hated_ baths.

["THIS IS NOT FAIR!"] King roared to the winds, twisting in midair to right himself. ["Come on, come on, remember those damned Party Pooper Pirates…!"]

Extending both of his arms, he flapped them quickly, catching the updraft created by him falling. The unstable structure attached to his back and arms shuddered horrendously again, and for a moment the poor monkey was worried that he'd actually become the first monkey to die by fall damage in the middle of a desert island, with nowhere around that they could've jumped from. But then, luck! The many waxed-together feathers took the draft seriously, and he felt that rush of soaring into the sky. Panic died and was replaced by a strange sensation of both euphoria and utter terror, mixed equally.

King sighed. It wasn't really a relaxed, sigh, but… well, it was a sigh. Putting it at that was safer than exposing his inner (and VAST) concerns with his current stunt. ["Nigel may be a complete aggravating bastard,"] he said to himself, flapping his wings again to keep upright, ["but at least his crew was actually useful for something now that I've got this Devil Fruit. I'm also glad Nami had all those science-y books… A lot of it just goes over your head, but stuff like this…"]

He felt the pattern of the wind change and cursed his luck. He changed his course downward, looking for a good breeze that would kindly care him safe and sound to his destination.

["Combined with, as Evan puts it, _Devil Fruit_ bullshit, can be very awesome."]

...And terrifying.

Was he scared? No, no, he wasn't scared. You're scared.

Far up ahead of him, a passing seagull's brown matter happened to land square on the back of his head.

["OI!"] King howled. He would've shaken his fist at the damn thing if he could. ["THAT'S MY SHTICK, DAMMIT!"]

 _Urrrrrgh_ , today _so_ wasn't going well.

How did King come to be flying above the waves of sand and nothingness like Icarus and Daedalus, one might ask? Well, there was a rather simple answer to that. It had all started a little over a week ago.

King Kong had been the first to discover Evan being captured. Upon witnessing his partner's unfortunate circumstances, the vervet monkey had kept silent, hiding in the underbrush of the jungle. He knew that if 3 captured him, too, then it would be much harder for any of the other Straw Hats to save them; one hostage was bad enough, but two was just destination fucked. Therefore, King waited until 3 had dragged the unconscious Evan out of earshot, then had quickly grabbed the nearest stick and scrawled a message for his crewmates in a convenient spot of mud nearby. This done, he quickly followed 3 and Evan's scent and caught up with them as 3 retrieved Miss Goldenweek.

From there, he followed them back to their ship and when no one was looking, he'd snuck on board. He had then hid cautiously in the _Grande Galdino_ , waiting for the perfect moment to free Evan; but unfortunately, Evan had been locked in seastone chains, which by the way, were some _complete and utter bullshit_. King had tried multiple times while everyone was asleep to chop off the lock on the chains with a variety of martial arts moves, all of which had, of course, failed. And touching them even once had drained the vervet monkey of a truly astounding amount of energy.

He could only imagine what Evan must have been suffering through.

Whenever he could, and whenever he was getting hungry, King had kept himself going by stealing some food and water from either the storage room or the kitchen, depending on the level of guarding in the respective rooms. There had been many times where King had nearly been caught by the cook or a random member of the crew, but thanks to his maneuverability as a monkey, he'd been able to get out of sight. Usually by leaping onto some spot on the ceiling where he could wrap his tail around and dangle until they left.

It was really shocking how people never looked up. King made a mental note to always check the ceilings if there was even an inkling of a possibility that they could have an intruder aboard the _Merry_.

Over in Rain Dinners, a certain dark-haired archaeologist sneezed.

Once the crew of the _Grande Galdino_ had docked at that port town, Madina, King had waited until everybody except the ship's guards were off on the shore. Then he'd promptly knocked them clean out except for one, and bullied the remaining mook into telling them where the crew was headed. King had then taken the more direct route (and by direct, he meant clambering over and jumping across rooftops, then climbing up the hillside) to the Madina Public Library. Unfortunately, 3 and the others had already beat him to it.

Staring in horror down upon the scene from the glass roof of the library, King had watched helplessly as his partner was handed off to someone who reeked of danger. Then, a wave of power had swept over him, although it hadn't felt intentional, and he'd been knocked unconscious. When he'd came to, all party members involved in the trade-off had long since vacated the premises.

Having nothing more to go on, King brought to memory where Evan had said Crocodile's base of operations were—Rain Dinners, more appropriately, the casino in the aforementioned town—obtained directions and a compass from some locals, and stolen a bunch of feathers and wax from various places around the city to craft his makeshift wings.

There may have been several scuffles with pigeons.

King was _positive_ they were secretly spies for the Party Pooper Pirates, and were even now relaying embarrassing stories to their boss over hidden transponder snails. Regardless of the fact that it was impossible for a pigeon to hide a transponder snail on its body.

 _King Kong hated pigeons_.

Also seagulls, he amended as he shook as much of the disgusting crap from his otherwise immaculate (["Bite me!"]) fur as he could.

Thus, we arrive at the current period in time.

King Kong, flapping his wings to gain more air, wasn't having as much fun as he might otherwise have been in this situation. Flying? That was kind of a hell of a thrill. But flying to save a loved one from the jaws of the lion? Yeah, not so much.

The sand dune on the edge of the horizon finally came close enough to reveal what was below it, and much to his confusion, the flying monkey… erm, vervet monkey… erm, flying vervet monkey saw…

A ship?

Sailing on the sand?

King's brain stalled. _The fuck._

How was that…? What was…? Who had…? Whathapjpehaheddkdke _huh?_

King blinked. Blinked again.

The ship was still there. Sailing on the sand.

...Okay then. The world had finally decided to simply toss common sense into the trash bin. King could live with this.

Oh, also, it was pooping a wickedly sharp arc of blue light that just made that sand dune kind of explode.

["...From a scale of zero to ten on _that's where Evan is_ ,"] King said flatly, ["I'd say that's a fifty."]

King tilted his arms downwards, and he zoomed down, the wind speed escalating so much that it felt like the very air was pushing against his face. He had to squint to be able to even keep his eyes open, and he angled his descent so that he wouldn't simply nosedive into the ground. This was much harder than it would first appear, as any mathematician or physicist could tell you. Sadly, King wasn't either of these, so all he could describe it as was the very forces of nature trying to scream _GET OUT OF MY SKY, YOU INVADER!_ in his face.

Through some insane brand of luck, King managed to angle himself correctly, and he soared like a beautiful falcon down closer to the *cough* FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE *cough* sailing sand boat.

It still took a fair bit of time to get close to the boat, since he was so far away, but finally, he found himself flying just above it. He started to circle down in an attempt to find a good landing spot on it…

And that was when he heard it—a sound ripped straight from every horror movie made across the entire multiverse, a feral scream of pure and undiluted _agony_. It was the kind of thing that even grown men would gain nightmares for weeks from hearing, the din that left one shaking to one's very core.

 _"_ _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!**_ "

King's eyes widened in horror.

He _knew_ that voice.

["Evan…"] King's arms trembled as he held them stout in the air, the wind ripping across his body without pause. His teeth gritted. ["E-Evan…"] He circled once, twice, his blood boiling deep in his very soul.

White hot _RAGE_ flooded his vision, and he soared down, down to the ship sailing on the sand below.

 _["WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BASTARDS DOING TO EVAN!?"]_

And far, far off in the distance, six people and one reindeer landing foot in a peaceful port town known as Nanohana suddenly felt, for seemingly no reason that they knew of, a collective burst of **_r͎̩a͎̞̻͍̞͕g̸̝̮͍e̯̖̼_**!


	25. Now I Don't

**A/N:** _Oh, I am an evil, evil person. Reading all of your comments on the last chapter was_ glorious _. Now please, entertain me more this time! MORE! VEEHIHIHIHIHI! Ohhhhh, it is_ so _much fun being an author._

 _Despite being an author, I still don't own_ One Piece _, although I_ do _own a story called_ The Seichi Chronicles, _which can be found on my account by the same username on Spacebattles. Please give it a read and leave some feedback! I'd love to hear what you guys think about it!_

* * *

Chapter 22:  
...Now I Don't

:: KING KONG ::

King Kong slammed heavily into the upper deck of the Sand Sled. The boat's boards creaked and groaned with his sudden weight. He stumbled forward a few feet, desperately windmilling his arms to keep his balance. It was a bit of a tough task to complete with the bulky wax-and-feather wings, but he was able to manage. Once he'd gained balance again, he carefully slid off the makeshift wings and laid them down on the boat.

"Hey!" someone shouted, and King turned around to see a large man with a goatee, blue hair, and blue eyes who was brandishing a very long sword. "You damn monkey! What are you doing on the ship of the Barbar Pirates, huh? What right do you have to intrude on our home, bastard!?"

["He does realize he's trying to talk to a monkey, right?"] King said to himself, rolling his eyes. He dropped into a fighting stance and carefully seized up his opponent. The fellow was very angry and smelled strongly of booze. He also had left himself absolutely full of openings. King humphed and bent his knees.

This wouldn't even be the slightest problem.

The blue-haired man swept clumsily at King with his huge sword. The Straw Hat jumped back lazily, flipping with ease and landing on his feet with his tail between his legs. His enemy stumbled forward. Drunk #1 clearly hadn't expected his attack to meet empty air, meaning his momentum carried his sword down to the floor, where it stuck into the wooden boards uselessly.

The big man gave it a couple tugs.

Nada.

King and the mook stared at each other without blinking.

The sand pirate opened his mouth. "INTRUDER! BOSS, WE'VE GOT AN-!"

He was quickly silenced by King leaping forward and delivering a swift, unforgiving uppercut to his chin. The monkey's powerful paw jerked the man's head back and lifted him off his feet. He crashed heavily to the upper deck.

King landed softly and cursed. It would've been a lot simpler if he'd been able to just sneak aboard, find Evan, and sneak out with his friend, but alas.

The sound of footsteps caught King's well-attuned ear, and he turned around to face the lower deck, where he saw about twenty or so pirates all wielding various swords, knives, cutlasses, and pistols.

King cracked his knuckles. ["ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO ME!"] he shouted.

It came out as a lot of angry growling and chatter. King sweatdropped. That would've been much cooler if he'd actually had the ability to speak…

One man stepped forward, an enormous lug of a man with an impressive beard and strange garments whose names King couldn't place. "I am Barbarossa, captain of the Barbar Pirates!" the man, Barbarossa, bellowed. King lifted an eyebrow. "Monkey, I don't know what you're doing here, but for attacking my ship and men, you shall taste my revenge!"

King glared furiously. _Their_ revenge!? They could wait the fuck in line! If anyone hurt Evan, they were getting an ass-whupping, no questions asked.

Deciding that wasting more time would only likely mean more pain for Evan, King Kong growled, dashed forward, and took a leap off the edge of the upper deck, right into the middle of the pirates below.

Only God himself could stand in the way of the Straw Hats and their rightful vengeance, delivered by an extremely irate vervet monkey, now.

Pissed off, the enemy pirates who were unable to see him now twisted around to glare at him. "You bastard!" they howled, rushing forward in one large circle to attack with their weapons. They dived at him, piled together in one large mosh pit of mooks. King didn't give them a chance to grab him, though, and instead, took an enormous leap into the air. He performed several perfect back flips before landing right smack on the top of the pile.

Kicking off, King launched himself directly at another attacking mook. He twisted in midair in a motion that made his tail whip across the guy's face, jerking his head to the side. King planted his feet on the side of his cheeks and pushed off. The resulting momentum knocked the poor Stormtrooper-grade pirate back into a friend, while at the same time making King soar to the side in the path of another pirate. This guy swung wildly at King with a cutlass, but the vervet monkey paid it no mind and instead landed directly on the blade in mid-swing. In the same moment, he jumped off of it and kicked his attacker's head. His big opponent dropped like a wee little fly.

["And another one bites the dust,"] King quipped as he landed and swiftly turned to face the other pirates.

Five more desert pirates all rushed at him at the same time. One swiped down with a longsword at King, who easily sidestepped it only to fall into the path of another mook's kick. King grunted as he swiftly blocked the offending boot, then was forced to quickly dodge a flurry of punches that, while lacking in speed, were certainly making up for it in strength. The floorboards cracked with each punch, opening a hole down to the next floor of the ship. King raised his eyebrow, wrapped his tail around the man's arm as it slammed down again, and jumped high into the air. His speed brought the human's arm up with him. The guy's buddy's clearly didn't like this, because two leaped at him with a baton and golden knuckles; twin split kicks to the neck sent them tumbling easily enough.

This done, he turned back to the pirate with the longsword, who was once again swiping it in a wide, clumsy motion at the monkey. King sighed and rolled his eyes before darting between the man's legs, rolling, and delivering a swift kick to the man's balls as he did so. Absolute pain flashed briefly across the guy's face as he halted in motion, stiffened, paled, and finally slumped forward. Almost immediately, he was again forced to block another kick from the man who'd tried to kick him the first time, though this time he was ready. He grabbed it, yanked down, and at the same time, spun and swept out the tall pirate's other foot from beneath him. _BOOM_ —the Sand Sled shook with his weight as he hit the deck.

The poor dude groaned painfully, but King gave him no time to recover. Instead, he grabbed him roughly by the hair, and using some rather impressive strength gained from training with Zoro since Loguetown, King leaped into the air and dragged his new "buddy" behind him.

["HAPLORHINI… TWISTER!"]

Then, in midair, he quickly began to twist and turn. A horde of men who'd been dashing up to help their fallen friends paused in shock and horror as King whirled the barely conscious criminal in his grip like a lasso. They blinked once, twice, and then all started shouting in chaotic panic when King heaved his catch at them with incredible force.

Ten of them fell over at once.

["Strike!"] King grinned and stuck a very nice three-point landing. ["I should take up bowling sometime."]

"You…" Furiously, an impressively small man dashed forward, twirling around a pair of nunchakus that reminded King of Evan's fighting style. "YOU DAMNED MONKEY! DIE, DAMN—!"

"Enough, Ubaid!" Barbarossa said suddenly, stepping forward with his expression shadowed by his hair. He gripped his longsword in his hands with the air of a professional. King lifted an eyebrow. This man might actually prove to be a bit of a challenge, though the Straw Hat Pirate wasn't looking for one at the moment. Really, that would just be a hinderance—he wanted to save Evan as soon as possible, and all this fighting was really not helping matters.

King cracked his knuckles and signed, "Okay, look dude, I don't know if you can read this or not, but I'm running a _tight_ schedule today. Move it or lose it."

Barbarossa blinked. "A monkey who knows sign language… that's not something you see everyday," he said, shaking his head in surprise. "And you're quite skilled at martial arts as well… However, the Barbar Pirates have been given a task, and we will never fail to complete any requested by our dear patrons!" He stabbed his sword into his own ship's deck, which seemed rather stupid to King, but hey, he wasn't a ship expert. "Therefore, sadly, you must be eliminated! ...And while we're on the subject, lose what, exactly?"

King narrowed his eyes and smirked. "Your consciousness," he signed, then quickly ran to the mast and clambered up it. His eyes swept over the ship. A series of interwoven ropes stretched down from the yarn to the sides of the ship, likely to help keep the sails open. King grinned. Perfect!

"Hey, what are you…!" Barbarossa snapped angrily, pounding forward and following hot on the monkey's trail. "Get back here!"

King was a natural-born climber, adept at finding even the smallest hand- and footholds in a given wall or other vertical surface. Part of the perks of being a monkey was the fact that he had incredible balance, especially when climbing, and this gave him an almost unfair advantage in speed over Barbarossa when it came to scaling the mast. By the time Barbarossa was only one fourth of the way up, King had already reached the crow's nest and dispatched the mook who'd been waiting for him up there with a pistol at the ready. King then tossed the pistol clear off the ship; it was unsportsmanlike to not give someone a fair fight in a battle. Besides, he didn't need high-speed projectiles to win this fight.

King vaulted himself over the side of the crow's nest to the shrouds (the ropes he'd had his eye on earlier). This done, he paused to catch his breath a bit as Barbarossa huffed and puffed his way up the mast. A minute later, the large-bellied man pulled himself up into the crow's nest, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Man, I do not envy the poor saps who have to do that everyday," the enemy captain grunted with a shake of his head. He once again unsheathed his longsword from the sheath on his belt (he'd had to stick it back in to climb up the mast) and said, "Alright, I've got you now, monkey! Running up here was not a smart thing to do!"

Then, with a sharp "HIYAH!" Barbarossa cut the shrouds, causing King to feel his stomach leap out of his chest. Not a pleasant sensation, but after the last day or so of trying to properly fly like a bird, the vervet monkey was used to the feeling of freefall.

Another perk of being a monkey (and especially being one in the world of _One Piece_ ): King's legs were able to absorb much more impact than the average human's could. In fact, it was a rather bullshit amount of impact, as proven when King landed on the deck over two hundred feet below with such grace and agility that it was rather like watching a piece of paper fall through the air. The shrouds, now let loose, were free to fall all over King. He cursed and ran out from underneath them as quickly as he could before any one of the few pirates left standing could get any ideas. Thankfully, however, the rest of the mooks seemed to be waiting for Barbarossa to finish him off.

Not that the big guy was going to, of course. King had a plan.

 _Alright, now come down here, you lug of a man,_ the vervet monkey thought, cracking his knuckles in anticipation.

He didn't have to wait long.

 _WHUMP CRASH CRASH!_ Wood splinters and all sorts of dust flew everywhere as the weight of a falling Barbarossa punched a hole clean through two floors of his ship. King gaped.

 _That crazy bastard… he actually jumped down after me! Well… That was unexpected._ King blinked and peered over the edge of the newly opened holes, which were shaped rather significantly akin to the man's body. _I may have won this without having to execute my plan in the first place._

Of course, the thought had come too soon.

"BOSS, ARE YOU ALIVE!?" the remaining pirates cried mournfully, biting their lips.

"LIKE I'M DEAD!" Barbarossa cried as he suddenly vaulted himself up and onto the deck.

King blinked rapidly, then shook his head and dashed toward the man. ["Well, guess things can't be _that_ easy,"] he grumbled to himself a bit disappointedly.

"Alright, now for that monkey," Barbarossa growled as King rushed forward. He twisted his body and threw his weight into a downward stab, which Evan's partner hopped away from. As he ran, King reached down to the ground, spying various spots on the deck carefully.

Time and time again, King dodged, sidestepped, and ducked, avoiding Barbarossa's admittedly very quick and fluid attacks with a small amount of difficulty. King was, however, just a hair faster, though he didn't have much energy to waste on this. As the battle continued and King didn't make any attempts to even try to attack back, instead continuing to dart around the enemy captain's back and between his legs, Barbarossa grew noticeably angrier, his dark eyes hardening into more and more annoyed swipes.

That was good. More anger meant a higher vulnerability, and most importantly, a cloudier vision.

As Barbarossa steadied himself from another failed swipe of his longsword, King reached down again and fiddled with his fingers, before straightening up and running forward again.

"You little rascal!" growled the captain of the Barbar Pirates. He swung back and over his head for a devastating downwards blow, but King hopped to the right and swung his fist powerfully to the left. The heavy sword was knocked away harmlessly, although the monkey's paw now ached a little from having struck metal.

King stared Barbarossa in the eyes. "Did you know that one can manipulate where the knot in a rope will end up by placing it over itself in certain patterns?" he signed while the heavyset man paused.

"...What?"

"Oh, nothing," King signed, smirking. "I just thought I'd give you a bit of a warning, is all."

"A warning…" Barbarossa shook his head in confusion, then snarled and hefted his sword. "Whatever! Since you've finally decided to fight back, come at me with all that you've got! For striking down my men heartlessly, I will end your life by overpowering any attack you can send at me!"

Narrowing his eyes, King frowned. As if. Baring his teeth, dashing forward, King rolled under a ridiculously fast attack which even his animal eyes could hardly follow and between Barbarossa's legs. Next, he grabbed a split end of the shrouds which the swordsman had cut earlier.

The man of the hour turned and blinked. "What are you doing with tha…?" Realization suddenly hit and he looked down, his eyes widening. "EH!? The… the shroud! Its cross-sections have been untied!"

He was standing in the middle of a sort of icosagon constructed from rope, all one long strand despite the fact that the shrouds had been tied together to form many small squares. And the end of the rope… was being held in King's hand.

"While you were recklessly attacking me," King signed, grinning, "I used the time I was out of your line of sight to untie as many of the parts of the shroud as I could. Funny thing about monkey fingers—they can get into tighter places than humans' can. And now…" Yanking hard, King watched as the long strand of rope quickly pulled together and wrapped around Barbarossa's legs. The enemy pirate tried to get away, but it was no use. His legs locked together, and he only made himself fall forward heavily directly at King.

["Check…"] King said to himself, waiting as Barbarossa fell almost elegantly towards him. Then, at just the right moment, he drove a swift uppercut directly into the middle of the man's soft face. ["And mate."]

Blood spurted from Barbarossa's nose as he slumped, unconscious, to the floor.

"CAPTAIN!" shouted the remaining mooks in fear as they ran forward.

King glared at them. They all froze stiff. Good; they were smart enough to understand universal messages! At least today didn't suck _that_ bad. Shaking his head, King dashed forward to the fo'c'sle door which led to the ship's innards; he'd _seen_ that blue wave erupt from the back of the ship, and he _knew_ that Evan was in whatever room that was. He lashed his foot out at the wooden door heavily, smashing through it with ease. It blasted off its hinges and bounced along the hallway once, twice, and three times, before finally sliding to a stop.

Nothing could get in his way now!

~o~  
:: STUSSY ::

CP-1 Agent Stussy, soon to be CP-0 Agent Stussy, allowed herself a dark grin at the pitiful excuse for a man who lay trembling in a pool of blood on the floor below her. Blood oozed from his eyes in a terribly large amount, and he howled and choked in pain, his weakling cries sputtering as his own blood flowed into his mouth. He spat it out onto the floor. Stussy stretched and cracked her back; oh, she was _good_ at her job. Surely this damned nuisance would tell her what he knew now.

The blonde secret agent reached down and grabbed Evan by the collar, shaking him roughly. His head rolled around, for the pirate had been unable to prepare and stiffen his neck. "Tell me the future now, or risk losing more of yourself!" Stussy demanded.

"You… bitch… I can't see…" Evan choked out, tears and blood both streaming from his eyes. "It h-hurts so bad…"

Darkness fell over Stussy's forehead, shadows from her hair and hat. "Alright, then a finger it is."

She lifted her leg, tensed her muscles. All of her concentration went to the years and years of work and training she'd put into learning Rokushiki. Just a small movement was all it would take to dislodge a finger… any one would do, really. It wasn't like Mr. 0—or, if you would prefer, Crocodile—would care whether his cargo remained intact as long as it was alive.

"Go to… hell…" Evan blathered.

"After you," Stussy shot back. Her foot started down—

 _CRASH!_

And the Rankyaku was suddenly jerked to the side as an unexpected flying door slammed directly into her back, causing her to stumble forward and nearly bite her tongue.

"What!?" Evan twisted around trying to locate the source of the crash. His dark hair brushed against his peeling, pink skin as his head swiveled around to locate it. "What was that!? What happened!?"  
Stussy picked herself up off the floor; the sudden door had knocked her down. Damn, Observation Haki always had been her very weakest of the three. "I would like to know that myself…" she growled, turning around and dusting off her now-dirty dress. Didn't Barbarossa clean the dirt off this damned ship? "Just had this cleaned, too…"

Her eyes peered through the billowing dust from the broken door to see… a monkey standing at the end of the hall, just before her doorway?

Stussy blinked. "A monkey?"

Evan perked up. "What!? King!? King, is that you!?"

That was interesting. So, this monkey standing in front of her, panting and white-furred, was an acquaintance of her captive? Judging by the intense glare the thing was giving her, and the way it was cracking its knuckles, she was judging _yes_. Stussy frowned. This complicated matters. Still, it was just a monkey. It wasn't like it could put up a fight; they were naturally weaker both in defense and offense than humans were. It was _so_ much easier to gut an animal than a human.

"Soru," she said simply, and very quickly struck the ground ten times in a single instant with her feet. She flashed through the air at breakneck speeds, jumping around to the monkey, King's, back. King's ears twitched upon hearing her footfall, and he twisted around with surprising speed. Stussy raised her eyebrow at that. The blonde had to hand it to the monkey; he was at least a fast critter.

No matter. Its eyes were wide with surprise; it clearly hadn't expected her immense speed and mastery of the Rokushiki. Plus, it hadn't been able to see her move; it had only followed her footfalls. This would be a cinch. "Rankyaku."

Her leg blurred, and that familiar blue light shot down toward the monkey as the air itself was chased away, replaced with momentary vacuums. Stussy smirked as the blue light bit into…

Nothing except the ship's floor?

"WHAT!?" Stussy gasped, quickly flash-stepping away as the monkey suddenly appeared out of nowhere right in front of her. And her eyes had, a split second before this King fellow had disappeared in the first place, noticed him rapidly striking the ground with his feet. Just like her! HOW!? It had been obvious that King had been completely unaware of her Rokushiki before, but now he was able to move just as fast as her and even use the Marines' closely guarded secrets!?

Stussy landed lightly on the floor of her quarters and shook her head. No, no, it wasn't like King could use Rokushiki. After all, if he was a friend of Evan's, that would mean that he must also be a pirate, and a _monkey pirate_ at that. There was no way that a monkey pirate could learn Rokushiki.

King landed, turned and pointed at Stussy. His teeth barred, and as she watched with wide, shocked eyes, his _foot blurred_.

Blue light shot from his leg, arcing clear at her. Stussy quickly ducked, pale and unbelieving. The Sand Sled rocked as the vervet monkey's Ran… Ran… _Rankyaku_ slammed into its back, left a deep cut in the wood, but faded before it could go away from the ship too far.

So, then, while he could use it with outstanding technique, he was physically only barely able to wield these powers. But still… _STILL..._

"Just who are you!?" she demanded, eyes widening, jaw slackening, and even a pearl of snot running down from her nose.

King took one look at her face… and burst into peals of laughter. _"_ _MACACACACA!"_

Stussy swallowed, then shook her head and clenched her fists. It didn't matter if this monkey knew Rokushiki or not; she had a job to complete. She had to uncover Evan's secrets about the future, so that she could relay them to the Marines. And then if she knew the future, she would be able to finally get one step ahead of that thrice-damned Nico Robin, who always seemed to be protected by Crocodile at every turn. And capturing Nico Robin while she was under Crocodile's watch was, of course, a severe danger to her job…

"Monkey, I don't know who you are, but you're trying to interrupt the security of this world for generations to come." She glared across the room at it, tensed her legs, and paused. "Prepare to die. SORU!"

She blurred through the air again, appearing just atop King and twisting her body around to deliver a devastating Finger Pistol to the top of his head. If she could punch through to his brain, he'd be dead in an instant…! But again, he surprised her. He quickly looked up, saw her, and vanished before her eyes. Another Soru!

Stussy grunted and planted her feet on the floor, bending her knees to absorb the impact better. How annoying. Where was that bastard monkey now…? Her eyes fell further into the room, and she gaped. Oh, no! He was grabbing Evan's chains! If he got her goal…!

"RANKYAKU!" Stussy snapped, blasting the wave of blue light out at top speeds. She quickly followed it up with a truly terrifying amount of stabs in the air with her pointer finger. "Finger Pistol!"

The combined vacuums and Finger Pistols blasted through the air to create a force truly to be reckoned with, a maelstrom of danger and death. King's eyes widened, and he quickly Soru'd away with Evan in tow, but not quickly enough; blood suddenly splashed into the floor where he'd just been standing. It wasn't enough blood to be more than a glancing blow, but it was enough to tell Stussy that it he was weakening. He couldn't keep up the Rokushiki for very long without losing loads of energy.

Her fists clenched tighter, almost drawing blood.

She would catch him, and his human friend. No loose stones would be left in this case. Stussy turned around, eyes almost shaking with rage as she watched her target disappear out the hall and onto the deck of the ship, through another door which he'd smashed.

Stussy disappeared.

The room was empty.

But not for long.

~o~  
:: EVAN ::

Pain, darkness, confusion.

After Stussy's Rankyaku (for surely, that could be the only thing that it could be) bit into my eyes, I knew nothing but pain, darkness, and confusion.

Pain: the pain of your entire face feeling like it was on fire, the pain of knowing something wasn't there that should be. The pain of the knowledge that I would never be able to see again. Everything hurt so bad; all the injuries I'd gathered from my time spent in captivity these past few day; the empty, lifeless sockets that had, until today, been my eyes. It was indescribable, the feeling of never being able to see again. It was the kind of thing that people didn't even _consider_ , just took for granted; but the panic that set in when you would never be able to tell what was going on ever again was _palpable_.

Darkness: an eternal darkness like I'd never known before. When you close your eyes in the day, you still see red and tan and orange spots from the light burnt into your eyes, right? Hitting your eyelids? Even during the night, staring up at your ceiling, you still can see the slightest bit of light, no matter how many stars are in the sky or how thick the curtains covering your windows are. But after Stussy's Rankyaku, all of that just _vanished_. I was lost in a world completely void of any and all color or light, no matter how slight. Everything was just… _gone_. All of my other sense were put on hyper-alert, my pain receptors going through the roof; my hearing and smelling skyrocketed.

Confusion: the confusion of not being able to understand what's happening anywhere nearby you. I had _absolutely_ no idea what was happening to me. I heard Stussy threaten to slice off my finger from somewhere in front of me, or at least, I _thought_ it was in front of me. I simply had no idea where to look, because I _couldn't look_. And I heard the sounds of a battle, and Stussy mention a monkey. Futilely, I distracted myself from my agony by desperately turning my head to try and tell what direction King Kong—for surely if there was any monkey that would be here, attacking this room at this time, it would be my amazing partner—was. I couldn't, of course, and the realization of that just brought me full-circle back to _pain_.

My spirits broke.

How could I possibly be a pirate ever again if I couldn't see? I wouldn't be able to fight. Hell, I wouldn't even be able to _write_. My position as ship chronicler entirely depended on me being able to see where I was writing, what I was writing. I was useless. Just a rock, waiting to be tossed away.

Tears streamed out from my broken, sightless eyes.

I was _nothing_.

And then I felt the telltale soft fur of King's paw against the part of my arm that was free from chains, and a light body pressing against my own.

"King…" I whimpered in a soft, broken voice, crying pathetically. "King, it's over… Everything's over..."

I heard a sad, angry whine from my partner. And then I heard Stussy shout, "Rankyaku!"

And we _moved_.

I could tell because of the intense wind that was suddenly blasting every part of me, ripping the warm, red blood off my face. Clueless as to where we were moving to, or _how_ , I could only sit tight and lean into King's grip as we blasted through space. I heard men shouting; Barbarossa's men from the accents. Whacky, how many details one picked up from sound when one was unseeing.

Hotness against the back of my neck, heat that made me flinch. The desert sun. We were outside? But how did we escape Stussy so quickly? And how quickly was she catching up to us?

My dad often said that the fear of not knowing is the greatest fear of the human race.

Now, my vision stolen from me and unable to know anything, I fully understood why.

I felt us jump up and over something, or at least, I thought I did. I heard King's foot land against wood, and my legs flopped against something. Pain streaked through my being, and I cursed. Thanks to my senses being on overdrive mode, my sensitivity was heightened. Great, just what I needed. More pain. I winced as I was dragged across what had to be floorboards.

The ruffle of feathers distracted me from my inner agony and I curiously listened. It seemed like King was fiddling about with something like feathers, by the way his arms and shoulders were moving. It was almost like he was putting something on. Then his arms stopped rolling back and forth. There was a loud _CRSSSK_ like Stussy's Rankyaku, and suddenly the headache and ringing in my ears from the seastone went away completely. I could fully concentrate again. I felt him lay me carefully over his back, and I heard his feet dash across the floor.

What sounded like metal chains clanged against wood at the same time that my chains fell away from my body. How…?

At the same time, I also heard something that sounded like… air getting displaced by a lot of kicking?

"KING! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY!" I shouted, desperation and sheer pain making my voice higher and louder. "STUSSY HAS ROKUSHIKI! I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT SHE CAN USE THAT! YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE!"

King growled something, I don't know what, and then... _freefall_.

No, wait, not freefall. Even though it felt like King had leaped off of the Sand Sled with me in tow, we were falling through the air, the desert rising up quickly to meet us…

Wait, what?

I… knew that. How?

I blinked, and realized that I _could see_.

Well, okay, not really _see_ , see. Not in the technical sense of the term, anyway. It was more like I was aware of all of the different water in the air, and in our bodies. It was like having some weird kind of heat-tracking, except I could sense the water particles of the nearby world, if that made any sense. And I'd only been able to do it since King had somehow freed me from my seastone chains. I gasped. Of course! My water powers! I had no idea _how_ , but they were allowing me to somehow "see!"

And what they were "seeing…" was kind of crazy.

A blind man and a monkey with wings jumped off of a desert boat, chased by an angry blonde criminal with superhuman martial arts.

Sounded like the start of some kind of joke, really, but that's exactly what I was sensing with my newfound addition to my powers. And even crazier, King was somehow _flying_. No joke, he was somehow flapping what appeared to be makeshift wings on his back and soaring through the air away from Stussy. I gasped. Stussy! Panicking, I threw out my senses, searching for her water signature. Where was she? Still back on the ship, but I knew she was striking the ground in preparation for Soru.

"King, Stussy's about to use Soru again!" I said hurriedly, shaking my flying partner. "I don't quite know how, but I can see the water all around us, including other people's water. And her water is currently shooting up at us and…" I paled. "Okay, that came out _totally_ wrong, but anyway, she's gonna reach us!"

King's head tilted back towards mine, and I could feel the questioning look on his face.

"You can use Soru in the air!"

He quickly snapped back around and… kicked the air rapidly, causing us to blast off even farther away from Stussy. What!? King could use Soru, too!? How… _ohhhhhh_. Goddammit, that was _brilliant_. He was able to mimic Stussy's Rokushiki!

"King, I could kiss you right now," I said with a wide grin, "but we need to _get the hell outta Dodge_. Stussy's right on our toes. I can feel her getting closer."

King didn't use Rokushiki again.

Goddammit, I really wish I could see him for real, because I _needed to know why_. Then again, I guess he couldn't really sign anything anyway, what with being forced to fly away.

"TEN-STEP RANKYAKU!" Stussy roared, and suddenly a very wide and large section of water was _gone_ from the air behind us. I felt the section move closer and closer, and I knew it had to be a Rankyaku.

"King, dodge!" I yelled, and something inside me _pulled_. Water in the air coalesced, liquified, and swept over to my monkey friend. He was caught in it and pulled upward, coughing and sputtering indignantly. My suddenly amazing hearing picked up Stussy gasping.

My own eyes widened. What the hell? I'd never had the ability to take water vapor from the air and turn it into liquid water before. What was going on…? _The water vision!_ I wanted to smack my head against something. Of course! Now that I could actually see the water in the air and concentrate on it, I could form it into something that I could use!

...Unfortunately, I had really misjudged where to send the water to. Although the Rankyaku sailed harmlessly inches below us, I was able to sense the water that was King's new wings shuddering and breaking apart from itself. It must've been composed of many different feathers glued together, somehow. Like Icarus and Daedalus? Fucking hell, some evil being somewhere was _really_ having a fantastic time with my life, weren't they? As I cursed my existence, my belly was left behind, for we spiraled down through the air haphazardly.

Flew close to the sun, my ass. We flew too close to the _water_ , and we were in the freaking _desert!_ Hell, the only reason I wasn't calling complete bullshit on any of the events that had happened in the past hour was because this was _One Piece_ we were talking about. Still, I doubt many citizens of this world could say that sentence many times. Or ever.

"Alright, I got us into this mess," I growled, clenching my hands tightly around King. "Time to get us out of it. Sorry about your wings, King."

I sensed the water in his arms flow in significant motions. "Don't worry about it," he signed stiffly as we fell through the air.

Blood streaming from my eyes, my bruised and sunburnt face twitched as I concentrated on the water particles in the air. There were so many of them that it was hard to focus on just a few, and doing so took a lot of energy out of me, but I was able to do so. I mentally grasped at what I could sense. Pulling them closer together, I formed a slide of water much like I had back at Loguetown when I'd failed at my attempt to save Luffy from the execution platform.

We hit the water and our descent slowed as it evened out.

This type of vision was weird. I could tell the general vicinity of where we were and what was around us by the way the water in the air bounced off of us and the ground. I wasn't able to see any colors, though, so I had the feeling that I was going to devolve into Unreliable Narrator status if something wasn't done.

...Why did I think that?

...I'm weird. Not that that's anything new, of course.

Where were we again?

 _OOMPH_. Yuck! Sand! In my mouth! Grooooss! Yeah, that's right, falling from the sky on a slide made of water, and about to hit the sand dunes. I scrambled to my feet and wiped my tongue clean of the offending sand. Thanks for the unnecessary reminder, world.

A spot of water vapor just before me quite strangely congealed into the words, _You're welcome._

"...Fuck you, ASA," I grumbled, flipping off the sky. "Very, very hard."

 _Language!_ admonished the water vapor.

"English," I replied, putting my hands in my leather jacket pockets and turning around to where I sensed Stussy was still Soru'ing through the air at us. It was hard to tell where she would be… but that didn't matter. I was going to _freaking kill her_.

Not literally. No, no, not literally. I'm a pirate, not a _murderer_. But I was definitely going to enjoy knocking her off of her high horse. _Ohhhhh, yes, I would_.

"Evan, why are you cackling?" King signed worriedly. He must've been concerned I was going crazy. Well, sorry to break it to ya, buddy, but I passed the point of 'crazy' _looooong_ before I came to this fucked-up world. Cackling even louder, I readjusted my glasses, then remembered that I didn't have any glasses to readjust. Shit. Oh well.

"King, how do you feel about giving this bitch a few more bruises?" I said at last, grinning like the villain of every horror movie I'd ever seen. Which, well, honestly was hardly any. I'd never seen the point of _purposefully_ scaring yourself. Like, did you _like_ having nightmares in the night or something?

Heh, seen.

King's watery head turned to Stussy, and I felt his equally sadistic grin from here. _"_ _I'm listening,"_ he signed, chortling under his breath. "MACACACACA!"

"VEEHIHIHI!" I cackled. I rolled my neck back and forth. Oh, the wonderful feeling of cracking stiff bones. Really, it was taken for granted way too much. It felt _heavenly_. The first thing I was doing when I got back to my crew was getting a back massage from Nojiko. Dear lord, were her hands magic. "Stussy!" I shouted, pointing at the kind-of-flying woman. Was Soru considered flying? Screw it, I'm considering Soru to be flying. Sue me. "Your next line is… How the hell can you look at me when you're blind!?"

"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU'RE BLIND!?" Stussy roared, then blinked. And _then_ paled. "EH!?"  
"See, Stussy, the funny thing about trying to attack someone who knows the future… _They know the future!_ "

And with that, I concentrated on the water in her body, raised my arm, and clenched my fist.

Stussy froze mid-Soru, hanging in the air.

Remember how I said, way back on the Conomi Islands, that I would refuse to control somebody using the water in their bodies? Yeah, well, I had _had_ it up to _here_ with Stussy. This bitch was going down, down, DOWN, and there was nothing that I was going to hold back to keep that from happening.

"And your _next_ line," I said, grinning evilly, "is, _Why can't I move, cretin!?_ "

"Why can't I move, cretin!?" demanded Stussy, before stiffening up.

"Oh, sad, sad, sad," I clucked, shaking my head as I walked forward casually. "Didn't your buddy 3 tell you? My power is to control _water_ , Stussy. And a funny thing? _Blood_ is mostly water. I came up with this idea almost as soon as I ate my Devil Fruit, but I never thought I'd actually use it… but then _you_ did _this_ to me." I paused. "Do you feel that?" I tilted my head just slightly down, so that my still-rapidly bleeding eyes would be shadowed. With the red liquid dripping down my entire pink face, the deadly scowl, and the shadows over my eyes, I must've looked like a demon straight from Hell. "That's the feeling of being completely and utterly helpless. So why don't you give me _one_ good reason why I shouldn't make you strangle yourself to death?"

To reiterate, I was bluffing. I wasn't going to actually kill her. But as the saying goes, turnabout is fair play, and darn if it didn't feel good to tip the scales so that I was the one with all the power against her. And having so much power over her, I wanted to at least make her feel a _tad_ of the pain, confusion, and suffering that I'd been forced to endure these past… two weeks now.

Because _screw_. _Baroque. Works._

Stussy choked. "This… this is the deepest… you'll ever be in a woman."

 _Ouch_. Kirito was right, that _hurt_. "Alright, that's it, bitch. King, it's all you."

"Oh, I have waited _so_ long to do this," King signed gleefully. He growled, and although I couldn't understand it, he'd said, _["Haplorhini Rankyaku!"]_

With a howl, Boss Bitch bit the dust. Or, sand, as it were.

Sighing in relief at last, I stepped across the empty desert to her and tilted my head down cautiously at her. "You didn't kill her, did you, King?" I asked worriedly, placing two fingers on her neck. I felt a pulse and sighed. "Okay, no you didn't. Good. She'll definitely feel that one in the morning."

"She clawed your eyes out!" King signed indignantly. "Why _shouldn't_ I kill her? Didn't you even mention something about someone making this mistake in another story?"

Cracking my back, I stood up and frowned at him. "King Kong. As long as we're Straw Hats, I don't want anyone to die if I can help it. That _includes_ people who attack us. There's only one or two people in this world I can think of who truly deserve to be sent straight to Hell, and one is way too powerful for _any_ of us to even _think_ about facing in a fight. The other is a stuck-up bastard who will _definitely_ get what's coming to him. And although Stussy may have done all of this, killing is just _wrong_."

King grimaced heavily, looking at the unconscious form of my torturer. Finally, he snorted. "Fine. But if she ever comes after us again, she won't live to regret it."

"Fair enough," I said, shrugging. "But for now? Just leave her be. I mean, anyway, isn't it the Straw Hat way to not kill your opponents?"

"Yeah, I guess so," he signed dejectedly.

He paused, then looked at where my fishy-senses were telling me his tattered and broken wings laid on the ground.

"So, uh, how are we going to get out of the desert now?" King signed, glancing back at me.

I stared with my lifeless, bleeding eyes.

Stared some more.

"…Fuck."


	26. Evan's Start Line

Chapter 23: Evan's Start Line

It turned out that King Kong had ripped apart one of the Barbar Pirates' shirts as we'd fled their ship, and we used that as makeshift bandages. That staunched the blood flow, at least for now. Now that the adrenaline of escaping and defeating Stussy was wearing off, the pain came back full force. It was so bad that I could hardly walk, despite its source being on the complete opposite side from my body. King had to support me as we slowly made our way across the desert.

There was some good and bad news for our desert-crossing experience. King had a map and knew which direction to take in order to get to Rain Dinners, thanks to some pointers from a random citizen of Madina. That was helpful; without that, we probably would've been utterly lost, walking around in circles until we eventually starved to death. The other good news: Thanks to my newfound ability to form liquid water from water vapor, we had an endless supply of drinking water. The bad news was that my pain continuously increased the more we walked, and I feared I could get an infection.

Getting an infection in my huge injury was _not_ ideal. It would probably kill me.

Two hours into the walk, I was woozily singing in an almost drunken voice, to try and keep our spirits up. "Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall… Ninety-six bottles of beer…"

King didn't sign anything, probably because he knew that singing was the only thing I could do at this point to keep myself from drowning in despair. I was _blind_. Yes, I had the water senses, and that was awesome, but I was _blind_. My entire life was going to be completely colorless from here on out. Hell, it was hard making out shapes even with my water senses, because they depended on the composition of an object and where the water was. How on earth was I supposed to be able to function as a pirate now? In times of high action, it would be impossible to tell who was my friend and who was my enemy.

Had I been able to cry, tears would've started spilling out of my eyes. I clenched my fists around my dirtied, bloodied leather jacket. If I could just see…! If there was just some possible way I could actually _see_ again…!

My fists unclenched and my jaw slackened. Wait. That was it! There _was_ a way! A way coming in the form of a man who could build an ornate bridge in a matter of _seconds_ , a man who could build a literal staircase to the sky! Franky could make mechanical eyes for me! Right? He could, right? It would be weeks, possibly months before I would be able to see again, but… I c-could hold out 'til then…

My spirits sank even further. Oh, who was I kidding? Franky had at least had something to work with on his body. Here, my eyes were completely gone. Eviscerated. Obliterated. Something couldn't be created from nothing.

Cursing under my breath, I tilted my head up toward the sky, biting my lip. Why did I have to suffer like this? What had I ever done to deserve this!? _It wasn't fair!_

"I'm sorry."

I cut off my singing and musing as my partner abruptly began signing.

"I'm so sorry, Evan," he said, water focusing more in his eyes. "If I had just been a little stronger or a little faster, I could have stopped this!"

I almost paused, but that would've meant putting a lot of effort into getting myself moving again, and I already was running low on energy. "...King, no. It's not your fault."

"But…" he signed, wiping what had to be a tear from his eyes, "but if I'd just been able to get my Observation Haki unlocked… If I'd only hung back with you instead of running off with my old captain…!"

"King." Emotions overflowing within me, I choked back a sob and placed my hand on his shoulder, or at least, where I could sense the watery outline of his shoulder. I ended up accidentally hitting his arm, and I heard him yelp in surprise. I muttered a quick apology before _actually_ placing my hand on his shoulder. " _It's not your fault_. If this happened because anyone's weak, then that person is me. I'm…" I gritted my teeth together, not liking this fact. "I'm the weakest member of this crew. Even with my powers… I can't take a punch as well as Sanji or Zoro, or even Usopp. I can't… c-can't just take a stab to the chest and lose gallons of blood and then walk it off. I can't heal up just by eating a lot of meat… I can't even shoot a target a foot ahead of me."

King's watery outline stared up at me. I couldn't tell what kind of expression he wore, but I felt it must be pity, or perhaps denial.

"It's… as m-much as I hate to say it," I choked out, my fingernails digging into my skin so hard it actually started to hurt, "it's true, King. I'm fucking _weak!_ Look at me! I've been trying to trick myself and everyone else by fighting guys like Nezumi and Fullbody, who are barely powerful enough to pass as legit, or Fonti, whose main abilities I was just able to no-sell with my Devil Fruit! But when it comes down to it, I'm just a fucking _Glass Cannon_! Sure, I have strong powers, but physically? I can't even drag a crate of cannonballs up the gangplank of a ship without having several people help. No one needs to tell me that! I know…" Fury, a howl of pain and sadness and _fury_ , roared from my chest. " _No one needs to tell me how weak I am! No one knows more than me! I BARELY DESERVE TO CALL MYSELF A PIRATE, MUCH LESS A STRAW HAT!_ "

King gripped my arm. "Evan…" he signed with one hand, but I shrugged off his arm with a stiff hand.

"No, don't. I…"

What was I trying to say? I had no idea. My thoughts, all the inner turmoil I'd ever had since joining the crew, all of it that I'd hidden down even from myself, with all of my jokes and singing and everything… all of it had just come pouring out, and now I was lost. What was I supposed to do here?

I did stop. I stopped there, in the middle of the desert, to think. For the first time in my life, I had to take a deep look inside myself and make a decision. And it needed my utmost concentration.

I had three choices: One. I could turn around and walk away. I could leave behind everything I'd been working towards these past few weeks, no, _months_. I could let the Straw Hats wonder what had happened to their friend, to the person they'd believed in and taken in, even though he'd been so weak and hopeless.

Two. I could continue forward, forget about this. I could continue living as I was. Nothing would change. It would all remain stagnant. I'd never grow; I would remain at the same pitiful level I was at now.

Three. I could continue forward, but I could learn. I could grow. I could refuse to let anything like today's events happen ever again. And maybe, _just maybe_ , weak, pathetic me could turn into someone worthy of my friends' respect. Worthy of their companionship. Worthy of the title of "Straw Hat Pirate."

I bit my lip.

Was there any choice?

Of course there wasn't.

" _I'M GOING TO GET STRONGER!_ " I howled to the cloudless sky above, sweat and blood and sand caking my face. " _I'M GOING TO PROVE WHO I AM, WHO I CAN BE! I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO PROTECT LUFFY, PROTECT NOJIKO, PROTECT MYSELF, PROTECT EVERYONE! AND I… I…"_

A sob, a terrible sob choked my voice, and for a moment, I faltered. Then my jaw clenched, and I knelt down and punched the sand dune we stood on with a blow of finality. " _I'M NEVER GOING TO BE THIS DAMN WEAK AGAIN, SO HELP ME GOD!"_

And way out there, far away from that empty Alabastan desert, in a vast and colorless void, the All-Seeing Author watched and heard my passionate howl, and he _grinned_.

" _ **Finally,**_ " he said eagerly, leaning forward closer to the blurry screen through which he watched the proceedings in the entirely different dimension. " _ **You will go far. You will grow into the person I brought you there to be, the man who will allow his friends to grow! And you just might save the world yet.**_ "

Farther off still, long, white hair cascaded down the almost shapeless figure of Bathory's back, as she, too, watched from a blurry screen of her own. She, however, did not smile. She did not lean forward eagerly. Instead, her fists clenched, and her teeth gritted. " _ **Tch**_ **,** " she said at last, the sound echoing throughout the empty void world in which she remained trapped. Her voice dripped with displeasure. " _ **Looks like I'll have to step up my game…**_ "

~o~

"…King?"

"Yeah?"

"You… _do_ have an idea about what direction we're going in, right?"

King stopped, looked down at the outline of the map in his paws, and looked forward. He then folded it four times and stuffed the map… somewhere. I wasn't really sure where, and neither did I really want to know. Anyway, he tilted his head and signed, "I… think so."

"…Not terribly reassuring," I said, my face twitching, "but since I'm the blind one here, I'll take your word for it."

The watery ball that signified King's head shook. "No, no, I'm pretty sure that I'm fine," he signed. "I see some rock outcroppings out there ahead of us which look similar in shape to the ones on the map, so I think we're on the right track. We actually should be able to get to Rain Dinners here in a little bit, if I'm right. Thank the Lord about that, because it's very close to nightfall, and we don't wanna be stuck out in the desert without any means of making a fire at night…"

I shuddered. "Oh, hell no. Though, I _was_ wondering why I was starting to get so cold…"

For about two more hours, we continued making small talk, our bodies shivering more and more as the Sun apparently dipped further below the horizon. Now that I'd come to a strange sort of acceptance about my future, it was easier to deal with the searing pain my empty eyes gave off, at least mentally. Having King there, my furry little monkey friend, helped a lot, too, providing some much-needed familiarity.

And then, at last, King whooped and hopped up and down, pointing at something far ahead. The little hook of water that was his tail flicked about happily. "I see it!" King signed, shaking me. "I see Rain Dinners! It can't be more than a couple miles more!"

"Really!?" I exclaimed, grinning widely in relief. "That's awesome! We'll have to be a bit careful, since we're walking right into the heart of Croc's organization; there's bound to be spies out the wazoo. But we should be fine if we stay out of the way."

"Right, of course," King signed with a nod. "Let's get moving!"

We rushed as fast as we could across the last couple of miles that lay between us and our long-awaited destination. That wasn't actually very fast, and by the time we finally set foot in Rain Dinners, King was telling me that night had already fallen. It was ridiculously cold, so cold that goosebumps crawled up and down our skin, and King quickly bought some warm blankets, a nondescript gray color that would hide us from prying eyes as well as keep us warm. I coughed and snuggled tight into my blankets, sand from the street blowing around my feet.

"Alright, now we just need to find a doctor or a hospital of some kind," I said, sighing. "That might be a bit hard, and I don't know where one would be. Canon wasn't _that_ detailed."

"A hospital?" the shopkeeper who had sold us the blankets asked. It was a male voice, deep and kind, and his watery outline was a bit shorter than I. "There's one a few blocks away from here. Take a sharp left three streets down, go straight four times, and then turn right. It'll be the fourth building on your left."

"Thank you, sir," I said gratefully, clasping my hands together and respecting him with a short bow. He chuckled and waved me off with a watery hand as we left his street vendor's shop.

Despite it being nighttime, there were a lot more undetailed, watery shapes of other humans and a good deal of cats out and about than I thought there'd be. I couldn't tell what any of them looked like, of course, but King didn't make any fusses, so I doubted they were of any significance. I breathed in the cool night air, enjoying my freedom even though it was at the cost of my eyes. It was so wonderful to just be able to do things at my own pace again!

My ear twitched. "King, do you hear that?" I asked as we rounded one of the last turns that we had to make, My monkey partner directed us where to go. "It sounds like… a lot of footsteps."

King turned to me in surprise. "Huh? I don't hear… wait, yeah, you're right. I didn't hear that at all until just then. How'd you hear that before me?"

"I've heard that people's other senses grow when they lose one," I guessed with a shrug. "I think that's what's going on here, but who knows?" Sniffing the air, I frowned and said, "Do you smell a lot of smoke? And, uh, just what is the source of that large amount of footsteps?"

"I don't know," King admitted through his sign language. "We're in a sort of narrow side street, and I can't quite tell what it is. We'll have to wait until we can either see the source, or… Oh hey, we're out! Now, let's see… It's…"

His motion seized, and his tail tucked between his legs. "Ohhhhhhhh _shit_ ," he signed hurriedly, tugging on my arm. "Evan, it's Smoker, and some of his men, though they're a bit behind him. We have to leave, _now!_ "

"Smoker!?" I exclaimed, turning and running as fast as I could. "That's totally unfair! I know I said I'd get stronger, but _really!?_ You gave me a _fucking Logia_ , world!?"

"HEY! YOU!"

 _Shitshitshitshitshit._

There was the rush of _something_ flowing through the air, and then something untouchable but somehow tangible at the same time wrapped around my body and started dragging me backwards through the air. At the same time, King's watery body was also yanked backwards, and he howled in panic. I clawed desperately at what had to be smoke around me, cursing my bad luck. We hadn't had time to recover my nunchucks from the Barbar Pirates, so there was no way for me to fight him!

Fucking _shit buscuits_!

"I'd know that monkey's face anywhere," Smoker growled. "That's the first mate of the DK Crew. And that means that _you're_ the guy who freed him—if Fullbody's report was correct, you're a Straw Hat." He pulled me up to look him in his watery face. Well, I said look, but I didn't have any eyes to see with. "If you're trying to avoid me, you shouldn't say my name so loud and then start running away."

I sweatdropped. Got me there… "L-Look, Smoker, can you let us go this one time? Please?"

"And why should _I_ do _that_?" Smoker growled, the smoke around my collar gripping me even tighter. "Why should I let a pirate walk free?"

"Because I'm a pirate who can tell you what's going on with this country? And also because I'm blind, and it would be really unmanly for you to beat up a blind person!?"

"…"

Several beats passed, in which King struggled to try and get his hands in a position where he could sign, but failed and instead whined his protest a lot. He clearly didn't want me saying anything, but _fuck stations of canon_. If I couldn't fight back with my fists or my powers, I would pull a Cross. Besides, Smoker was a ' _decent_ ' Marine. I could trust him to do the right thing, given the right fuel.

The smoke gripped me even _tighter_. "Show me."

"Well," I choked out, "I mean, I _would_ … but you're kind of restricting my movement, so I can't take off this rolled up shirt around my eyes..."

Smoker harrumphed. "Alright, I'll just do it myself then." His smoke flowed up my body, across my face, and underneath my makeshift bandage. He gingerly lifted it up, then drew a sharp breath. "Holy Hell, what happened to you?" he asked in a sort of awed horror. "You look like someone Rankyaku'd your face."

"Yeah, that's pretty much what happened, actually. Now, could you put that shirt back around my eyes, please? It's kind of keeping me from bleeding out."

Slowly, the high-ranking Marine lowered the rolled-up shirt and put it back in place. "Alright, how in the hell did you meet someone in this part of the Grand Line who knows Rankyaku?"

"I'll start at the beginning," I sighed. "We met… a young woman very interested in stopping this country's Civil War back in Whiskey Peak. We discovered that she had infiltrated a secret underground criminal organization known as Baroque Works, spearheaded by the Warlord Crocodile, whose main purpose is to completely overthrow this country's government. Then they will be able to create a 'perfect nation' for themselves. Well, that's what their boss says, anyway, but according to our infiltrator friend, Croc actually wants to destroy the whole country so that he can get his hands on the location of one of the Ancient Weapons. We came to stop that from happening."

The smoke gripped me so much I started to choke. "Is this true?" Smoker growled, spitting something out on the ground in disgust. Probably one of his cigarettes that he was always sucking away at it.

"I s-swear on my l-life!" I said desperately, clawing at the smoke around my neck. "A-And if you still don't b-believe me, my friends will be here in… in a few days! Then we'll all storm the c-casino, where his base of o-operations is! C-Come with us and you'll realize we're right!"

"Smoker, sir?" one of the Marines behind him—a voice I didn't recognize—asked. "What do we do?"

Smoker paused, considering my statement for a few moments. "...I don't trust the words of a pirate," he growled out at last, lowering me to the ground, "but I do trust my own eyes. If I see everything in that casino as you say it, then I will believe you. But until then… I will bring you to the hospital myself. I will keep a close eye on you. And when the time comes, you will take me to where your friends will be."

"Y-Yes, sir!" I choked as the smoke finally loosened up around my throat and chest. Oh, sweet, wonderful air! "Thank you. I promise you won't regret this."

Smoker's glare was so powerful that I could feel it burning into me even without having the aid of vision. "You'd better hope I won't."

And that was the start of how nothing in the world was ever the same again.


	27. Luffy's Fury

**A/N:** _What's up guys? I'm baaaaack! My apologies for the delays in the makings of this chapter; I have been getting loads of work done on a new_ Percy Jackson SI _of mine which I just started recently,_ GG, Kronos, But I Have Foresight. _If you like this story at all and enjoy the PJO series, please go check that SI out - I promise you will love it. There's currently seven chapters out plus a prologue, too, so there's plenty of material there for you all to read. Anyway, shameless self-promotion aside, let's dive into this chapter!_

*Ahem* _I do not own One Piece! There, are you happy, copyright overlords? Are you? Good. They seem to be. I live another day._

* * *

Chapter 24: Luffy's Rage

The burning yellow sun radiated down on the desolate dunes below, hot enough to cook an egg on a rock. A tumbleweed or two bounced across the travelers' path and off into the distance. Everywhere they looked, they saw tan sand, rolling dunes like endless hills rising off into the horizon. The sky was a cloudless periwinkle and offered them not even a fleeting glimpse of shade. Camel hooves clopped tiredly and sweat glistened on the faces of each and every member of the party as they made their way across the deadly Alabastan desert towards the increasingly closer walled city that lay ahead of them.

Light blue hair fell partially out of a white hood as its owner shook her head for a cool breeze. "That collection of buildings up ahead of us, behind those walls—that's Rainbase," Princess Nefertari Vivi said solemnly atop the perverted camel, Eyelash. "Crocodile's base is in there."

Walking in the sand alongside Eyelash, Nojiko clenched her fists. "And that's where they'll be holding Evan, too, if King hasn't saved him yet."

Luffy, who stepped lightly over the sand several feet behind the camel and its two passengers, Nami and Vivi, frowned deeply. "Guys, the moment we get there, we're going to kick Croc's ass. Go all out. Don't hold anything back."

Zoro placed a hand on Wado Ichimonji. "Roger that, captain," he said, practically hissing at Rainbase.

A disturbingly evil grin crept up Sanji's lips. "You think we'd let even one of them get away after they took one of our own captive? They're going _down_. _All_ of those damned Baroque Works bastards."

Usopp adjusted his goggles over his eyes, the desert sun gleaming dangerously off their lenses. "I may be a coward, but nobody messes with my friends, dammit," he hissed, glowering at the city despite the shaking of his knees.

Chopper frowned. "I…" He hesitated. "I haven't gotten to meet this Evan guy yet, and I don't want to hurt anybody since I'm a doctor, but I'll… I'll knock anyone I need to out as painlessly as I can!"

"You just do whatever you feel comfortable with," Nojiko, who was currently cuddling the little fluffball up close to her chest, said soothingly. Her eyes then rose to the archway that led into the bustling city of Rainbase. Her face twisted into a demonic grin that could curdle milk. "Let me rip all these bastards some new holes. If they hurt Evan, they are going to pay with _blood_."

Hearing the pure _venom_ which this last word of hers oozed from, Usopp squeaked and scooted several feet away from her.

Nami hummed a teasing little tune. Nojiko frowned at her, but let it slide.

"Why is Nojiko so much madder than everyone else?" Chopper asked nobody in particular.

Usopp's eyes widened and he put a finger over his lips. "Shhh! That's dangerous territory!"

"Because she has a crush on Evan," Nami supplied. Usopp paled and stared at her in disbelieving horror.

 _That_ got a reaction out of Nojiko. "I do _not_ have a crush on anyone!"

"Tsundere," Zoro said flatly.

Sanji kicked him over the head. "Our darling Nojiko is not a tsundere!" he barked, then froze and thought that over. "Although… that's actually really cute to think ab—"

Nojiko's intense glare, which was almost hotter than the sun, shut him up.

Chopper tilted his head. "What's a tsundere?"

"I also do not know!" Luffy raised his hand, drawing a facepalm from the local sniper.

"Oh, no, not again…" Usopp moaned.

Zoro coughed into his hand. "Anyway," he said, looking inordinately pleased with himself, "what's the plan? How are we going to do this?"

"Kick Crocodile's ass and save Evan!" Luffy shouted while blowing steam from his nose.

Sanji rolled his eyes. "I think what the dumbass Mosshead means is, how are we going to get in a position where we can do that?"

"Kick Crocodile's ass and save Evan!"

Vivi's eye twitched. "You do realize there's bound to be all sorts of traps and security overflowing this casino, right?"

"Not to mention cash!" Nami added, grinning widely with bellis for eyes.

"And cash," Vivi amended with a sweatdrop.

Luffy huffed and crossed his arms. "We'll kick the doors open and then kick Crocodile's ass and save Evan!"

"This is hopeless," Sanji decided. He turned to Nojiko. The young lady, like Nami and Vivi, was not dressed in a dancer's outfit, but rather normal, light blue desert attire, thanks to Evan's forewarning about Sanji's taste in women's fashion. Sanji, who had wanted to buy her the dancer's outfit but had been beaten to the punch by Nojiko and Vivi, relented and said, "Do you have any ideas, Nojiko darling?"

"Sanji, Chopper, you three wait outside the casino," the blue-haired woman said. "We'll buy ourselves several snailphones in case of emergency, and if anything happens, we'll call you. In fact… it might not be a bad idea to have all our snailphones constantly on. Then the rest of us will split into two groups: a group for distraction, and a group for action. For distraction, I'd pick Usopp, Nami, and Zoro."

The swordsman bristled. "I'm not going to be where the fighting's at then, though," he pointed out, his hands gripping his swords tighter. "And I _need_ some stress relief."

"I'm sure there'll be one or two of the Number Agents hanging around," Nojiko reasoned. "After all, whether King managed to save Evan or not, they'd still have been expecting him here, and they probably would've heightened security in preparation of that." Zoro relaxed, slightly. He still looked very annoyed he was stuck with the _distraction_ team, though.

"So what will Action do!?" Luffy asked eagerly. So eagerly, in fact, that he was literally jumping ten feet in the air. Nojiko had to stare at that; that was impressive.

"Action will be you and me. And as for us, we will…" Her face once again twisted into that demon's smirk. "Kick Crocodile's ass and save Evan."

Luffy's face just about equaled hers. " _Got it_."

Sanji and Zoro sweatdropped. "I'm glad I'm not going to ever be on the receiving end of that," Sanji whispered to Zoro, who nodded quietly in agreement. Then they paused and glared at each other, and the universe was whole again.

By this time, the Straw Hats had stepped foot through the entrance to Rainbase, and found themselves on a ridiculously busy street. They had to push past hordes of people to make their way through, bumping into more than a few elbows and knees, their feet getting trodden on a large amount. The girls had to abandon Eyelash at a stable just several feet from the city entrance, which the boys were quite pleased about.

"Pervert camel!" Luffy accused as they left Eyelash in rather high spirits.

"Pervert camel!" echoed Usopp, Sanji, Zoro, and even Chopper.

"Pervert camel!"

"Pervert camel!"

"He's not that bad!" Nami snapped, punching Luffy so hard over the head that his face slammed into the street and cracked it.

"...Pervert camel!" Usopp said, very, very quietly.

"Before we go attack Rain Dinners," Nojiko said, frowning in thought as she went over everything that Evan had told her about Crocodile and Baroque Works, "we should buy some water barrels as well as the snailphones. Crocodile's got Sand-Sand powers, which means he's able to be touched by hitting him with water." Luffy started to open his mouth, but the Conomi Islands beauty shook her head and held up a hand. "And that's not spoilers. It's something that's just a part of who he is."

"Oh, okay," Luffy said, shrugging. "I guess I'm fine with that, then. And I want water, anyway! I'm _thirstyyyyy_."

"Thirstyyyyy!" Usopp agreed, slumping over and lolling his tongue out.

" _THIRSTYYYY!_ " Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper all whined.

"And we'll get some water for you three morons while we're at it," Sanji growled, his eye twitching as he frowned at the complaining pirates. Honestly, they acted like kids when they claimed to be pirates. It was a little infuriating sometimes. He sighed and rubbed his head, a smile spreading across his face in spite of himself. Despite this, he couldn't help but be amused by their antics at the end of the day.

As they walked up Rainbase's main street, they all gawked and stared at the sights laid out before them, except for Vivi, who hung behind worriedly. It was a city teeming with life everywhere one craned their neck to see. The streets, as mentioned before, were flooded with all manner of people bustling about from important events, or shopping at the various markets, or just sitting by the road and chatting. They passed a zoo filled with strange animals from all over Alabasta and surrounding islands, which had Luffy and Chopper's eyes shining. Usopp had to literally drag them away by hand, eyeing the unique creatures nervously. Zoro ended up getting lost about ten feet in, and Sanji spent the next twenty minutes furiously searching for the bastard swordsman while the other Straw Hats waited patiently in a bar and grille.

Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper, covered in sand and grinning like mad, dashed up to the bar's counter and leaned over it eagerly. Chopper had to jump up on a barstool to do so.

"Three waters, please!" Luffy ordered, giggling in excitement.

The barkeep glanced at them with a flat expression, then turned, grabbed three barrel-looking mugs from the shelves behind the counter, poured some water into them from a tap, and handed them to the pirates.

"Thanks, mister…?" Usopp trailed off, uncertain of what to call him.

The barkeep shrugged. "Barkeep," said Barkeep flatly.

"...Your name's Barkeep?" Luffy asked with a tilt of his furry little straw-hatted head. "Man, that's weird… You're a barkeep named Barkeep?" He paused, mulled this over, then exploded in giggles. "Shishishi! That's funny! I like you, old man!"

Nojiko, who was seated at a table with the rest of the Straw Hats (minus Sanji and Zoro), despite them not ordering any food, got up and walked over to the trio before bopping the rubber man lightly over the head. "It's just his name. Don't tease him about it."

"Yes, Nojiko," Luffy grumbled. He pouted and took a huge sip of his water. His face lit up and he slammed his fist on the counter happily. "Man, this water is delicious!" he exclaimed with a wide grin. He immediately downed the rest of the mug in one gulp, then slammed it back down on the wooden surface in front of him with a heavy thud. "Barkeep, gimme more!"

"And ask nicely!" Nojiko chided, whapping him upside the head again before returning to Nami, Vivi, and Carue.

"I don't know if Luffy knows how," Vivi said with an embarrassed giggle and a sweatdrop.

Carue quacked in agreement.

Nojiko smiled and shook her head as she sat down. "From what I've heard about how Zoro and Sanji were recruited, and from seeing Luffy recruit Chopper, I'd have to agree with you there."

The bar was rowdy and busy, just like the rest of town; perfect for cover from any spying eyes. Every other wooden table was filled with customers. The crew had been lucky to find a good spot to sit; a party had just been getting up and leaving when they'd come in. Nojiko let her eyes roam over the crowd. Even though the large number of people was good for hiding out in the crowd, it also worked just as well in favor of Baroque Works themselves. And there was still the possible threat of Smoker, too, whom they had seen upon first arriving in Alabasta, back in Nanohana. Nojiko had no doubt in her mind that Smoker had beat them to Rainbase, especially since thanks to shenanigans, they'd gotten delayed in the desert en route to Crocodile's home turf.

And speaking of Smoker…

Nojiko's eyes widened as they happened to fall on a white "Justice" logo stenciled on the back of a white coat, and she recognized the suggestive profile of the aforementioned Marine captain from behind. He sat at the bar, directly to Luffy's right. If he so much as tilted his head to the left…

Nojiko stood up quickly and tapped Nami, her skin crawling anxiously. "Misplaced justice at eight o'clock," she hissed.

Nami's eyes followed the directions, and the redhead immediately choked on her saliva. "What's Smoker doing here!?" she demanded under her breath. She looked like she wanted to hightail it as fast as she could out of the bar and grille, and Nojiko didn't blame her; if their position was compromised this early by running into a Marine with a dangerous Logia power, they might not ever get to punt Croc from here to next week.

Vivi's grip on her chair arm tightened. "He must've figured out that since we were going after Crocodile, we'd end up here in Rainbase eventually. I don't know how he knew we'd be in this bar, though…" Vivi's eyes strayed further to the right. "He's got that swordswoman with him again, too, it looks like…" She turned her face further right, and her eyes narrowed. Sitting next to Tashigi on the bar was someone in a leather jacket, with messy brown hair and very sunburnt skin that was flaking like mad. "As well as…" She paused, at last noticing the vervet monkey sitting on the boy's shoulder, and her eyes widened. "Wait, that looks like…"

Nojiko stood up abruptly, her jaw dropping. "Evan!"

The aforementioned boy's ear twitched, and his back stiffened. Smoker turned to him with a frown while raising his eyebrow.

"What is it, pirate?"

Evan sighed. Had he had any eyes to roll, they would have been rolling. "I have a name, you know," he sighed. An actual sweatdrop, formed by his water powers, rolled down the back of his head. "Honestly, after these past few days, you still can't even call me by my name? You can be really stubborn, can't you?"

"Hey, Mr. Kettle?" grumbled Tashigi, her eye twitching. "The pot's calling. He says _you're black!_ "

The blind boy cracked a grin at that. "Okay, okay, Asuna. Point taken."

"My name's not…!"

"It was an in-joke, forget it. Anyway, for your information, I thought I heard one of my-"

Upon his shoulder, King sniffed the air, looked behind him, and stiffened in sudden fear. He leaped down to the counter and spun to face Evan, quickly signing, "Women's wrath at six o'clock!"

Smoker, who had taken the time to learn sign language as a young Marine, blinked and opened his mouth. "Wha-?"

" _EVAN_."

Evan perked up. "That voice… Nojikooooowhoa!?"

 _SLAM_. Evan suddenly found himself being hefted off his booth and into the air by a pair of feminine hands gripping his sides tightly. A brief moment of stomach-dropping suspension passed before the eighteen-year-old's back crashed heavily into the floor. Bar patrons squacked and yelped at the sudden judo flip, leaping away from the furious, tearful bluenette who loomed over the kid in the bomber's jacket, pink V-neck, and jeans.

"OW!" Evan choked, scrambling to his feet and attempting to rub his back. "That _hurt_!"

"You jerkass!" sobbed Nojiko, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. "If you ever scare me like that again, I'll fucking _kill you_ , you hear me?"

"N-Nice to see you again, too, N-Nojiko… owwww…"

"What the hell!?" Smoker and Tashigi demanded, leaping to their feet. The cigarette chomper withdrew his jutte from underneath his white 'Justice' coat, while his lieutenant unsheathed her sword. Then Tashigi's wide eyes recognized Evan's 'attacker' and she gasped.

"That's… _Tattooed Rogue_ Nojiko!" she exclaimed, her stance slackening. "What's…?"

But she didn't get a chance to continue talking, because at that moment, a curious Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper happened to look to their right while all three of them took a long swig of water… And upon recognizing the faces of the Marine captain and lieutenant, immediately spit took all of the water they'd just chugged upon the unfortunate duo.

"NOW, WHILE THEY'RE DISTRACTED!" barked Usopp, his face set like a drill sergeant. "GRAB EVAN AND THE WATER AND RUUUUUN!"

"RIGHT!" Luffy and Chopper affirmed. Two rubbery hands wrapped tightly around the brown-haired teen, whom all the Straw Hats present were only just realizing wore an eyepatch over each eye, and around Nojiko, too. She was still hugging a flabbergasted Evan tightly to her chest and crying into his shoulder. At the same time, hooves and paws ran across the wooden counter as Chopper and a reluctant King Kong gathered as big of a barrel of water as they could each carry, before dodging the now-angry Barkeep and hauling ass out of Houston.

"Can someone please tell me what's going on!?" Vivi demanded as she leaped onto Carue and barreled over several terrified patrons as they made for the door.

Nami, barely keeping pace with Carue, ran beside her and moaned pitifully. "As well as me? There's too much suddenly going on at once!"

"DON'T QUESTION IT!" Luffy, who despite having started off behind the three of them was already surpassing both by the time they emerged out onto the street, roared. "JUST KEEP RUNNING!"

Usopp and Chopper managed a hasty salute. "Aye aye!" Chopper nearly dropped his water barrel doing this.

King Kong, lugging a barrel of water thrice his body weight, sputtered and chattered angrily behind them. The members of the crew present ignored him and instead continued dashing down the street, leaving an annoyed Smoker and Tashigi in their wake. Pedestrians of all sizes and genders were forced to either jump out of their path or be trampled underfoot.

Evan stammered out, "Wait, guys, there's no need to run! I got Smoker and Tashigi temporarily on our side!"

There was a beat. Two beats.

The pirates came to a screeching halt, shouting collectively at their regained crew member, "YOU DID _WHAT!?_ HOW!?"

Everyone stared at Evan as he tried and failed to rub his sore back. He grimaced, squirmed out of both Luffy's and Nojiko's grips, and waited for Smoker and Tashigi to draw closer. The warm desert sun was as relentless as ever, and Evan felt a little sick in his stomach from all of his sunburns, but he ignored this; he had a story to tell.

Luffy stared expressionlessly at his eyepatches. "Evan, why do you have those?" he asked, pointing to Evan's eyes… or where his eyes should have been.

Evan hung his head. "So we're going to be starting _there_ , huh?" he sighed, gritting his teeth as the memories of his captivity washed unpleasantly over him. His face paled and his fists clenched, but he set his expression to a resolute decisiveness.

Smoker and Tashigi had, at this point, finally caught up with them. Both of the Marines' faces were soaked and dripping wet. Smoker looked like he didn't quite know what to punch, and Tashigi rather closely resembled a very disgruntled cat who had been sprayed with a water bottle. Had he been able to see the sight, Evan would've burst into endless giggles in spite of the situation. King couldn't help himself, and stood in for Evan by rolling on the ground in a fit of laughter.

Tashigi's hand tightened and untightened on her sword's grip. "One of these days, I'm going to skin you, ya damn ape," she sighed in resignation.

King shook his fist at her. "I'm a vervet monkey, not an ape!" he signed.

Chopper opened his mouth and raised his hoof. "He says—"

"I know what he says," Smoker growled. "Evan, tell them what's up."

"Alright." Evan took a deep breath, and with the Straw Hat's full attention, he jumped into the tale of his version of the events of the previous two weeks. "I'll start where we unintentionally parted ways to keep things easier. Mr. 3, as you probably know, managed to sneak up on me from behind and knocked me out when I hung back behind King and DK. He brought me on his ship, where he interrogated me for my…" He tilted his head nervously to Smoker, then looked back at the gathered Straw Hats and raised his eyebrows meaningfully. "Any _'_ _secrets'_ I had. I didn't let them know anything about us, of course."

Zoro's hand clenched around the handle of his sword. "Did they hurt you?" he all but growled.

Evan hesitated. "3 and his crew didn't," he said at last. "But then they handed me off to Miss Mother's Day, and when I still refused to sell you guys, out, she… well, it's better to just show you." So saying, he reached up and gingerly grabbed one eyepatch, then lifted it up to reveal the ugly, dry wound underneath. Thanks to Evan's status as a Devil Fruit eater, the wound itself had closed up remarkably quickly upon him getting enough to eat, but his eye was still destroyed, a fact that was replicated by his other eye which was revealed upon him lifting up the other eyepatch. His friends all drew in a sudden hiss of equal parts concern, sympathy, and rage, except for Luffy. Luffy remained silent, quietly gazing at Evan's decimated eyes. Smoker, Tashigi, and King, not wanting to witness the injury any more than they already had, gritted their teeth and looked away.

Even by the Grand Line's normal, brutal standards, it was sickening to behold.

"Can you…" Nojiko's fists trembled, and she paused. "Can you still see?"

Evan snorted bitterly. "As if. My sight's totally gone. Something strange _did_ crop up a short while after I lost my vision, though… I have some sort of weird ability to sense water. Like Spidey-senses, but for Aquaman… I guess?"

This analogy was totally lost on the Straw Hats, who all stared in confusion. Usopp leaned over to Zoro. "What's a spidey-sense?"

Zoro shrugged. "Hell if I know."

"Oo, oo!" Chopper jumped up into the air and raised his arm. "Maybe it's some sort of weird ability spiders in his wo—" He looked at Vivi and the Marines present and blushed. "—Er, home have. And maybe an aquaman is just a fishman?"

Sanji exchanged looks with an equally flabbergasted Zoro and shrugged. "Works for me," he said blandly.

"Evan."

The single word echoed into the street, a solemn, quietly angry use of his name that brought all eyes to Luffy. His face was shadowed by his straw hat, but one could still see his mouth, and it was turned down in the most disturbing frown he'd ever worn. "What happened to Miss Mother's Day? Where is she now?"

Evan actually gulped, feeling the intensity of Luffy's glare even despite his blindness. "K-King finished her off. Last we saw, she was lying unconscious in the desert. She's probably still wandering around it, lost."

"Good." Luffy was silent for a few moments, and then even though he knew Evan wouldn't be able to see it, stared him directly in his blank, destroyed eyes. "Where's Crocodile?"

The otherworlder let go of his eyepatches and started biting the fingernails on his left arm. "The casino, the building with the big, gold crocodile on it. Can't miss it."

"Oi, oi, oi," Usopp said suddenly, jumping in front of Luffy with worry etched across his face. "Hang on, Luffy! Are you really alright with this? Wasn't it you who said not to give out any spoilers?"

Smoker and Tashigi frowned. "Spoilers?" they asked in tandem.

Luffy ignored them and brushed Usopp to the side. "I'm revoking that order. I don't…" His fists clenched and he stomped the ground furiously. "I don't want any of my crew to get hurt like this ever again. Evan. How do I defeat Crocodile?"

Evan silently considered the outline that seemed to be wearing a straw hat, who stood directly in front of him. He paused for a moment. Was this really alright? What could go wrong if Luffy defeated Crocodile here and now? What could go right? What would happen?

"Tell me, Evan. Captain's orders."

All of the Straw Hats stiffened. Luffy never issued any captain's orders unless he was deadly serious.

Smoker and Tashigi regarded Evan with narrowed eyes. That slip up that the tanooki had been about to make… what was it? Where did all of the strange references and inside jokes Evan seemed to enjoy making all the time come from? And why was the crew relying on Evan for information that he shouldn't have? Furthermore, why had this mysterious Miss Wednesday and the rest of Baroque Works been so vigorously desiring having this man in their clutches? Something about the entire situation felt off to Smoker, and he didn't like not being in the know.

And as for Evan? He nodded once and drew water from the air, again drawing gasps, this time of awed surprise, from his friends. They hadn't ever known him to be able to pull something like that off. He swirled it around him for emphasis. "Water," Evan stated, folding his arms, his brown hair swaying very lightly in the hot desert breeze. "He's a sandman who ate the Sand-Sand Fruit, so he can turn into sand and normally cannot be touched, but if his body is wet, he won't be able to break apart, and if your fists or feet are wet, you can punch or kick him."

The other Straw Hats were silent, glaring at the casino which rose above all other buildings, off in the near distance.

The wind whistled as it danced across countless robed bodies, vendor stalls, and sand swirling in the air. Luffy, however, paid this no mind, and instead he lifted his head high up into the air, rage coating each and every facial feature, and he bellowed at the nearly cloudless sky, _"_ _CROCODILE! YOU'RE GONNA PAAAAAAAAAY!_ "

Nojiko nodded. "Damn straight," she said, so quietly it seemed as though she breathed death.

"Of course he is," Zoro growled. "And if you don't land the finishing blow, I'll cut the bastard into a thousand pieces myself."

"Good," Sanji hissed, kicking the air experimentally. "I've never gotten the chance to cook sashimi with crocodile meat, but I hear it's _spectacular_."

"And I'll rob him blind, ruining him financially so if he ever escapes prison there won't be anything he can get back to," Nami said, a demonic smirk stretching across her lips.

Even Usopp's rage quelled his trembling. "I don't think I have a strong enough Tabasco Star for that bastard. Shame."

"Don't worry," Chopper said quietly, his eyes falling onto the casino. "I'll personally develop a way to increase the spiciness of any sauce by a thousand percent by the time we get there."

Twin puffs of smoke escaped their captain's nose like it was a dragon's. Then, before anyone could stop him if they even wanted to, Monkey D. Luffy charged off down the street, bowling over anyone in his path, directly towards the pyramid-like casino which he could see off beyond the many sandstone rooftops, the golden crocodile on top gleaming dangerously in the intense sunlight. And the rest of the crew, of course, was hot on his tails.

The Straw Hat's vengeance had begun. And Crocodile wasn't even going to know what hit him.

~o~

"So, Sabo," said Ace, staring off into the distance over the side of the Going Merry. He stood leaning casually against the mast of the ship, considering the horizon with a smirk. "You think we should go help Lu?"

One slender hand readjusted a top hat which sat against a bed of blond hair, and a grin spread across the Number 2 of the Revolutionary Army smirked and folded his arms. "Lu? Nah. I only gained my memories back a few days ago, but I can already tell he's way stronger than he was when we were kids. He'd just get angry and say that we were stealing his fight. Trust me, Ace, he's got this. It's the whole reason we agreed to stay behind and protect the _Merry_ , remember?"

"Yeah, I suppose," Ace sighed. Freckles jumped further back his face as his grin grew wider. "Our cute little bro grew up way too fast, didn't he?"

"Way too fast," Sabo agreed, nodding. "If only I could've been there to see it…" He looked down bemusedly. "Isn't that right, guys?"

"QWAAAA!" roared nearly one hundred Kung Fu Dugongs which surrounded Sabo, and which he'd subjugated into being his disciples. "QWAAAA!"

"Heh. Qwa indeed, little buddies, qwa indeed."


	28. Full Frontal Assault

**A/N:** _Congratulations, everyone! We have at last reached 300 reviews! :) Thank you, everyone for your kind reviews! In other news, I still don't own_ One Piece _, nor do I plan to do so. I do own a series called_ The Seichi Chronicles, _however, which you can find on fictionpress under my account there (same name as here, TheRealEvanSG). If you like epic other-world fantasies, cool and intricate powers, and people fighting monsters, this story is for you! Please support_ The Seichi Chronicles _over there and on Spacebattles!_

* * *

Chapter 25: Full Frontal Assault

Everyone stared for a couple moments at the long line of dust that was now billowing into the air as a result of Luffy's incredible speed. Nami could've sworn that the street was on fire, but immediately pressed all thoughts of _that_ bullshittery out the window. The only person plausible to do that was Ace. Nojiko gave a quick nod to her fellow Straw Hats and her sister, and threw out her hand.

"Alright, you all know the plan! Move out!"

"Right!" everyone said, and they immediately tore off after Luffy. Smoker and Tashigi blinked rapidly.

"Tashigi…" Smoker said with a soft growl, frowning at the dust trail in Luffy's wake. "Did you feel anything just now? Anything unnatural?"

Tashigi lifted her eyebrow. "What do you mean, sir?"

The Marine was silent, thinking about what he'd felt. As Luffy had shouted his declaration of vengeance against Crocodile, for just a split second, the Captain had felt something like an invisible wave of power at the very edge of his mind—something he'd recognized from the short times he'd spent with some of the Vice Admirals who'd occasionally visited Loguetown. One time, a handful of gang members from the then-ruthless Frogeye Clan had gotten it in his head that he'd try and attack a Marine Vice Admiral. This had not gone very well for them, and before they'd even managed to leap into position, every single one of them had fallen unconscious in an instant.

Smoker clenched his fists tightly. "These pirates are no ordinary sea dogs, Tashigi," he growled.

"You couldn't tell from Evan?" she deadpanned, before suddenly blushing and straightening her back. "E-Er, sorry sir! It slipped out!"

"It's okay, Lieutenant, that boy has that effect on people…" he said just as flatly. Then his eyes narrowed and he stepped forward towards the quickly running Straw Hats. "Come on. We can't let them out of our sight."

"Sir, yes, sir!"

The hot air rushing by their faces, the Straw Hat Pirates and their two new allies dashed through the streets of Rainbase at their target: the enormous pyramid-like structure with a gigantic, golden crocodile curled sleepily around its tip, as if it had been magically transformed into the element. Rain Dinners Casino drew closer and closer with each passing second, each very surprised and innocent individual that Luffy nearly bowled over in his infuriated rush to reach his destination, each stomp of foot against street. Evan, slower than the others and therefore hanging back a few feet, panted as he dashed at full speed. Running had never been his thing even when the fate of a country _wasn't_ on the line, and it wasn't about to start being his thing now.

"How are you doing?" Nojiko said behind him. She hung back behind the brown-haired pirate, keeping an eye on the crowd for any suspicious behavior. She'd just gotten Evan back; she wasn't about to let anyone take him again.

Evan, shifting his shoulders and making King Kong grunt in surprise, tilted his head back at her. Nojiko's face darkened at the sight of those two eye patches covering his decimated eyes. Her breathing quickened a little, but she was far from tired.

"I'm doing okay," he said simply. He didn't seem to want to talk about it much. "I'm… not so good at running. But, uh, anyway… what happened while I was gone? I… hah… haven't gotten the chance to find out yet."

"Oh, right!" Nojiko blinked. "Well, we pretty much took out Wapol in one hit. Luffy was still _furious_ about 3 capturing you, and having someone eat his beloved ship really wasn't helping matters. We gave him to the villagers at Drum once we reached it. That stopped them from shooting at us and also earned us a bit of cash as a result of their gratitude. From there, nothing really exciting happened. It was just… peaceful, really. We recruited Chopper, and went back on our way to Alabasta."

"What about Ace and Sabo?" Evan asked, his eyebrow raising behind his eye patch. "Did Sabo show up?"

"Yes, he did. He seemed very cautious, but he was waiting at the docks when we landed. He had apparently been waiting in the city for some time; he said that he'd figured whatever answers he was supposed to be looking for would show up there sooner or later. As for Ace, we actually ran into him in Drum."

 _That_ got Evan to choke on his saliva. "What!? Really!? You must've made it early, then…"

"Yeah, it's amazing how quickly we were able to make it with Nami at mostly full health," Nojiko agreed, nodding. She smiled a little as she recalled her sister's amazing sense of the workings of Mother Nature. "We made it just as Ace was about to leave. You should've seen his and Luffy's eyes pop out of their heads when we accidentally ran into Sabo in a restaurant near the port. Took them a while to recognize him, but when they did and Sabo's memories returned…" She shook her head in amusement. "It was one of the funniest and most touching things I've ever seen."

"Where are they now? And what about the defectors?"

"Once we made landfall, Igaram led the ex-agents to Katorea to try and convince the Rebel Army to stand down. As for Luffy's brothers…" Now Nojiko had to roll her eyes. "They're protecting the ship. The captain threw a fit about them possibly stealing his big fight. When Ace asked him how he was going to fight against Crocodile, Luffy said he had a plan that would work no matter what Croc's power was."

"Wait, what?" Evan would've blinked had he had working eyelids to do so with. "Luffy? A plan? Are you sure that's what he said?"

King Kong was equally flabbergasted. He gave Nojiko a look like, _Are you shitting me right now, woman?_

"I could hardly believe it myself, but yes," she said, rolling her eyes. "That's what he said."

"Hm…" Evan wiped some sweat from his brow. "I wonder wha—"

He didn't get a chance to finish his sentence, because quite suddenly, arms sprouted on Evan's back and clamped around his mouth. Two more sprang to life out of his jeans, grabbed his hands, and forcibly crossed them behind his back. Hands also rose up from the ground and grabbed his ankles. Thus, with a muffled squawk, Evan tipped over due to a sudden halt in acceleration, and his momentum caused him to faceplant into the sandy street.

Nojiko skidded to a stop behind him as King Kong chattered in surprise and leaped off Evan's shoulder. She leaped over two hands that suddenly sprouted just in front of her feet and attempted to bring her to her knees.

"Robin!?" she exclaimed, eyes wide. The bluenette quickly scanned the street for any place to conceal herself from the woman's watchful gaze, wherever she may be, but finding none, settled for simply ducking low, shrugging off her desert robes and holding them over her head. A bead of sweat rolled down her face and she swallowed dryly. _Shit. This isn't good._

"Nojiko!" Evan gasped, squirming against the street. The hand covering his mouth had vanished; he had purposefully bashed his head against the road until the offending extra body part did so. "What's going on? This has to be Robin, right? Do you see her anywhere?"

Nojiko peered out from beneath her protective clothes, which stopped the older woman from seeing her. "Yeah, this is her Fruit power," she growled. She quickly scanned any rooftops she could see for any signs of purple or cowboy hats. "I can't see her yet, though… To be able to pick us out from this crowded street, she has to be up high, but I don't see her anywhere."

" _Evan Johnson,_ " a suave voice, cool and feminine, suddenly spoke out from below and between the three pirates. King yelped loudly and backed away; a mouth had appeared right in the ground behind Evan. " _And I do believe that is the Tattooed Rogue as well as the first mate of the DK Crew with you. And so we meet again. I must say, I am impressed that you have all made it this far with your lives._ "

"You _seriously_ need to work on your people skills," the leather jacketed teen groused. "I seem to recall you saying that you'd make your decision if we all made it here alive; are you going back on that, or do you just take pleasure in tormenting any convenient target?"

"Yes, she does," King signed with a twitching eye. "But… all things considered, that _was_ kind of funny, so…"

"Shut up."

King cackled in response.

" _As amusing as this exchange is, you are correct in your recollection_ ," Robin's alternate mouth hummed. " _You did make it here alive… and I did say I would make my decision now. But there is one thing I need to know first._ "

"…And what would that be?" Nojiko asked, narrowing her eyes as she continued to examine the nearby rooftops.

Evan's and King Kong's ears twitched as they picked up the sound of something rushing through the air. Then, quite suddenly, Nico Robin herself dropped down out of the sky from behind Nojiko. The strategist gasped, unprepared for the woman's sudden entrance, and dropped her robes to look behind her. A line of arms and hands, extending from a roof in the distance, burst into pink flower petals.

She turned and knelt down to look at Evan, her face pale and her expression unreadable. Should she really do this, she wondered? She _had_ promised to switch to their side if they made it here, and Evan apparently knew the future… She had to test that out. "The thing that I'm looking for here… is it what I want?"

"The Poneglyph here is not the one you desire," the pirate said after a heartbeat. A tinge of sadness had entered his voice. "It says exactly what Crocodile wants to know, but it's nothing that interests you. Unless you want to cause mass mayhem with the Ancient Weapons, that is… specifically Pluton. However, I can tell you that if you join us, you _will_ find the Poneglyphs you need to read."

Her eyes widened. He knew about her search for the Poneglyphs, he knew she could read them… he even knew _why_ she was looking for them, and about the Ancient Weapons! There should have been no way for a pirate like him to have that information… He _did_ know the future. Her head swam. But still… everyone who'd ever taken her in, except Crocodile, had died as a result of this. If Evan knew what he did, then surely…

"Allow me to ask one more question," she said hoarsely. "If I join you, will any of you die?"

"Of course not," Evan ground out. "You think Luffy would let anything happen to any of us? Especially after I got captured? He'll never let anybody take any one of us away again. No matter what group the perpetrator is affiliated with; pirates, Warlords, Marines… hell, even the Yonko." Then he smirked fondly. "You can be sure that he'd go through Hell itself to keep us safe, and yes, I do mean _that_ Hell."

"...I see," Robin said quietly, her voice shaking. She was silent for a few moments, then stood up and uncrossed her original arms. The extra mouth and limbs vanished, and Evan picked himself up off of the street, dusting off his now-sandy clothes. The second-in-command of Baroque Works opened her mouth, closed it, paused, and then opened it again. "Then I shall need to speak with your captain."

Evan, Nojiko, and King Kong exchanged looks. "Sure thing," the former agreed. "But he's a bit busy now. Actually, about that… We need to catch up with him because I'm bad at running and now this whole thing has gotten us way farther behind. Is there any possibility—?"

The dark-haired woman nodded, biting her lip. "I shall use my powers to carry us up onto the rooftops and over to Rain Dinners. It is quite useful for mobility. We should be able to reach it in under seven minutes from this distance."

"Good."

King Kong was silent for a few moments, tilting his head and thinking. Now that Robin was on their side… he was starting to get an idea. Nodding to himself, he stomped his foot to gain everyone's attention and then began signing. "Actually, your position in Baroque Works might get us a bit farther than necessary. Luffy'll probably just ignore everything and blast straightforward to wherever he thinks Croc will be, but it might be harder for the rest of us to reach him."

Robin's eye brow raised in realization. "Yes, that is true… And Mr. 6 is currently there, as well. That would be rather difficult."

Evan's fists clenched. He swallowed, looked at Nojiko, and then turned back to Robin. "Ro… er, Miss All Sunday—"

"Call me Robin," she interjected.

"Robin. I want to fight Croc myself."

His three companions stared at him.

"Evan, what!?" Nojiko hissed, grabbing him by the shoulders. "You can't do that! You're not strong enough, and… y-your eyes…"  
"I can still be able to sense him," Evan reasoned, frowning and brushing off her hands. He walked up to Robin, who seemed tense and uncertain, and tilted his head up as if he were looking her right in the eyes. "Even though King and I managed to defeat Stussy, I realize I'm weak. I know I can't beat Crocodile. But I want to try. I _need_ to try. I need to prove to myself that I can get better, that I can learn and _grow_. I _need_ this. So take us to him. Trick him, and then let us go when he's not expecting it." A shadow fell over his face, and he clenched his fists. "Got that?"

King Kong stiffened. "This is a terrible idea, Evan," he warned, his hands signing rapidly.

"I know. But it's something I have to do."

Nojiko wanted to scream. She wanted to punch Evan so hard he'd get knocked out, just so he wouldn't do something this stupid. She wanted to beg him not to _try_ and get himself killed… but she knew how he felt. She herself had felt the same back on Cocoyashi, when she had seen Nezumi rummaging through Nami's tangerine field in search of her long-built up treasure. If it wasn't for the fact that Evan had defeated Nezumi, she might have very well acted on all that rage and tried to fight Arlong herself—Arlong, the big lynchpin behind all that mess. She would've been no match, but all the same...

Robin examined Evan's friends. "Are you all alright with this?"

"I…" King Kong slumped over, looking away. "I am."

Nojiko sighed, hating herself for this. "I'd be a hypocrite if I wasn't. So… yeah."

Evan smiled weakly. "Thanks, you guys."

"Don't thank us when Chopper's gonna have to be working on your injuries for the next week," Nojiko grumbled, her cheeks warming a bit.

Robin nodded curtly. "Very well. Then I shall do as you ask." The boy, monkey, and two women stood silent for another couple moments, and then at last, Robin crossed her arms and summoned a long line of arms that stretched up to a nearby ceiling. Gasps of surprise rang out from some of the normal people milling about the street, but they ignored these. "Grab onto me, and don't let go," she said.

"Right," Evan, Nojiko, and King Kong said in tandem, and they all latched onto her tightly.

Then, a moment later, they shot into the sky, off towards Rain Dinners Casino, which sparkled ominously in the desert sunlight.

~o~

Luffy was mad.

Anyone could see it on his countenance. His eyebrows sloped down in a sharp, tall "v." His snarl screamed his rage. The wrinkles in his rubbery forehead were too many to count. Even his skin was turning red with how angry he was.

No one. Touched. His. Crew.

Said crew, not too far behind him and catching up with his rapid pace every second, were also mad. Zoro had his bandana on. Sanji was smoking two cigarettes at the same time. Chopper, in full reindeer mode, was muttering under his breath about chemical formulas. Nami had the Clima-Tact which Usopp had created for her out, and was currently testing out its functions. Usopp himself was rummaging through his bag of Sure-Kill Stars, checking which ones he did and didn't have. Vivi and Carue, too, seemed to have forgotten about their country for the moment in favor of rage over Evan's injuries. The princess had her Peacock Slashers out and was warming up her arms, while Carue looked almost about as angry as the average swan.

Smoke billowed beside them; obviously Smoker having caught up with them. Beside the elemental Marine Captain was Tashigi, who panted rather heavily. They weren't mad like the Straw Hats, but they _were_ prepared for battle.

And it looked like that battle was coming _now_.

"Oi!" two men stationed outside the entrance to Rain Dinners shouted, noticing the pirates and Marine Captain/Lieutenant heading straight for the casino. They'd made it at last. "You kids will need IDs—!"

"SCREW THAT!" Luffy bellowed, and promptly flung both of his arms out long into the bouncers. Their faces dented inwards due to the sheer force behind his punches, and they blasted backwards into Rain Dinners's heavy doors. The doors crunched, groaned, and finally fell off their hinges.

Smoker grunted, his face appearing in the smoke momentarily. "Way to be subtle," he deadpanned.

"Sorry, Marine," Zoro growled with a feral grin, "but Luffy isn't exactly the _subtle_ type."

Sanji grabbed Usopp by the arm and broke away from the main group, dashing off to a nearby alleyway. "Come on, Chopper! Let's take up our positions that Nojiko gave us!"

"R-Right!" the reindeer said. He blinked as he trotted forth. "Hey, wait, where are Nojiko, Evan, and King Kong, anyway?"

"Doesn't matter," Sanji said with a shrug. "They're definitely fine. They'll probably catch up any minute."

Meanwhile, Luffy had entered the casino at last.

He blinked rapidly at first, bright light glaring directly in his eyes. Everything here except the carpeted floor was shiny and annoying to look at. Overhead, bright chandeliers cast intense light upon every inch of the floor. Money and metal reflected the light everywhere. It hurt to look at, and it annoyed him. It also didn't help that those black-clothed guards were pointing guns at him with metal barrels, which only served to reflect the light into his eyes even more.

"That S-Straw Hat!" one of the weak-looking mooks shouted. "That must be the thirty million man, Monkey D. Luffy! Shoot!"

 _RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT!_ The cracking of gunshots rang out into the casino, throwing the already confused and concerned patrons into disarray. They all scrambled to get out of the way as Luffy pounded forward, not even the least bit worried about all of the round bullets flying at him. The first of the pellets slammed into his skin, followed by a volley of over thirty more. He merely growled in annoyance as his red vest was ripped, and his body where the bullets hit extended several feet backwards. He'd liked that vest.

"THAT WON'T WORK!" Luffy exclaimed, and with a rubbery snap, his point was proven. All of the bullets which had just riddled him were launched back at their owners, who screamed in fear and ducked to the floor like the cowards they were. They pinged and ricocheted off of slot machines and various other rigged gambling games.

"T-The bullets aren't working!" whimpered one of the men, and a comrade shot him an annoyed, panicked glare.

"We know that, Bob!" the mook yelled. "How could we not!? Did you think we were just staring off into space while all the bullets were _stretching his body back and getting FLUNG RIGHT BACK AT US!?_ "

"I-I was just trying to c-contribute…" Bob stammered.

" _TOO FUCKING BAD! I'M TOO STRESSED BY THE ABSOLUTE MONSTER TO CARE ABOUT YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS!_ "

"SHUT UP AND PAY!" the storming pirate's slightly high-pitched voice demanded.

The shooters flinched as Luffy barreled forward, his feet pressing the carpet down. His hands clenched into fists. His biceps and triceps clenched, and he threw his arms backward. They stretched far, nearly all the way back out despite the fact that Luffy was already nearly halfway across the room. He leaned forward and grunted as he forced the rubbery limbs to retract, and they snapped back with so much force that they extended outwards again, reaching only slightly shorter distances than they had the first time. Both fists powered into a mook's face and crunched their respective target's nose, then snapped back. Luffy didn't let them stop, though, and instead physically manipulated the rebound to bounce back and fire his arms forward again. It had taken him several years to perfect this technique as a kid, but its combined power and speed made it completely worth it.

"Gum-Gum Gatling!" he bellowed, and to the guards' shock, it seemed as though his fists and arms were suddenly multiplying. They screamed and scrambled for an exit, for any escape from the multitude of punches being flung at them, but there was none. The only people who were spared were the innocent casino patrons. Luffy kept a firm eye on everyone else within his elastic reach. These were men working for the person who had stolen the sight of his crew member. These were men who kept Crocodile's funding in check, allowing him to run his organization and keep Baroque Works working. Without them, Baroque Works would not be able to exist the way it was, and therefore, they were just as much at fault as anyone else in the criminal network.

At that moment, the sound of more footsteps pounding against light blue carpet rose into the casino, amid cracks of useless gunfire and terrified screams. The mooks looked toward the door in terror, and they had every right to be. Leaping into the casino and taking off running were Usopp, Nami, and Zoro, all of whose faces were shadowed. There were still a few mooks left in this main section, but more guards and security were quickly pouring in from doors located up flights of steps that hugged the left and right-wing walls. Usopp slipped on his goggles and drew his slingshot from his pocket.

"Zoro," he said quietly, no sign of fear in his voice. His hands trembled a little bit, but all it took was a single look at his face to tell that this was from anger. "Can you launch a horizontal Tatsumaki at those guys over there?"

The swordsman followed the long-nose's pointing finger to the staircase wrapping up the left wall. His feral grin somehow grew even more feral, a reddish aura emanating from him. "Can do," he growled like a dog ready to chase its prey. "You sound like you have a plan; what is it?"

"I'm going to shoot a bunch of my Explosion Stars at them," Usopp hissed. "That won't get all of them, though, and if we combine it with the power of your Tatsumaki, they'll achieve maximum damage."

" _Got it_."

"Not a bad plan, Usopp," Nami praised, glaring at the men flowing like water down the staircase on the right. She broke away from their group of three and headed for said staircase. "As for me, I'll handle the poor saps on the right. Warm Ball! Cool Ball!"

Usopp whipped out the explosive projectiles, loaded them into his slingshot, and let them rip at impressive speed. "Sure-Kill…"

Zoro unsheathed his three swords, placed Wado Ichimonji in his mouth, and inhaled through his nose. Then he _twisted,_ aiming the attack at Usopp's mass attack. "Tatsumaki…"

"DEFLAGRATION STAR!" both shouted at the same time, their eyes glinting.

The unofficial first mate's self-made twister blasted forward, increasing the velocity of the sniper's Explosion Stars. The men on the left side blinked as they heard a lot of whistling air, turned toward the strange sound, and suddenly saw what appeared to be rapidly spinning air propelling a bunch of small, dark balls through the air. The lot looked at each other and shrugged, utterly confused. Then the screaming began as the balls struck them and burst into fire and smoke, followed by the spinning air reaching them and cutting them up something fierce.

Meanwhile, their cohorts swarming from the right door were equally confused. What were these strange red and sky blue spheres of air floating up at them, appearing to have came from that cute redhead's strange, blue staff? They exchanged flabbergasted looks.

"THUNDERBOLT TEMPO!" Nami screamed, sweeping her Clima-Tact up through the air. A handful of yellow air spheres popped out of her staff and floated almost lazily to the Rain Dinners security. The men all stopped running down their flight of stairs, trying to figure out what the hell was up with this strange phenomenon. The poor saps, as she'd put it, didn't ever notice the fact that there was a growing shadow thrown over them all. Neither did they notice the angry, billowing storm clouds growing right over top them.

Nami kept running, her eyes on Luffy's back. "Expect a thunderstorm at the three o'clock position. Any stupid mooks in the vicinity are advised to run with their tails between their legs and to never look back."

The balls of yellow air finally reached the angry storm clouds.

 _CRACK! BOOM!_

Yet more light was thrown about the room as lightning ripped up from the floor underneath many of Crocodile's guards' feet and thunder rolled through the air. They didn't even have time to scream.

Nami matched Zoro's smirk. "The navigator has spoken," she said, fury dripping from her voice.

"You guys are all part of the organization that hurt Evan and is trying to take over this country," Usopp snarled, dashing after Luffy.

Zoro was right beside him. "So we're really not sorry about this."

"Mess with fire, and you merely get burned," Nami finished, her voice not much more than a growl. "But if you mess with _water_? Then you get washed away, eroded without even a second thought. Too bad for you, you guys were unlucky enough to have messed with water."

Anyone still remaining from the trio's attack cried in fear, scrambled to their feet, and fled right back the way they'd come from.

"Thanks for taking care of those idiots for me!" Luffy called back over his shoulder.

The resident Mosshead grinned. "No problem, captain."

Hot on the distraction trio's tails, Vivi and Carue then blasted into the casino. It hadn't had a wide enough door for the super spot-billed duck, so they'd hung back and waited for the three pirates to enter. Plumes of smoke rushed alongside them, as well as a blue-haired swordswoman.

"Princess Vivi," Smoker growled out of the smoke. "That kid said that you're travelling with these pirates because they're protecting you. That they escorted you here and are now trying to save this country. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's correct," Vivi said, biting her lip. "They're here not to kidnap me, but to save my life as well as the lives of countless citizens of this country. If it wasn't for their protection, I'd have already died several times in the past two weeks."

Tashigi studied her face for a few moments. "She's not lying, Smoker," she said with a frown.

"I can tell," he agreed. "But whether Crocodile is actually truly trying to take over this country is something I will have to see for myself."

A set of doors at the far end of the casino then opened up, allowing three important-looking people to walk confidently into the room. They looked like mafia leaders, all dressed up in black and white suits and expensive-looking ties. They also had weird hairdos, the names of which Luffy had no way of knowing. They were all led by an old guy in a purple suit with three spikes of grey hair sticking out of the top of his head. The door they came out of had a red carpet leading to it like a model would walk down, and big, block letters nailed to the wall above it reading, VIP.

"You. Straw Hat Pirates. We have been expecting you." The rough voice came from one of the men in black, who stared at the oncoming Luffy evenly.

Luffy blinked. "You have?"

"You have?" echoed Usopp, Zoro, Nami, and Vivi. Smoker and Tashigi just narrowed their eyes.

"Please follow us," the mafia-looking guy on the right said.

The man in the purple suit nodded. "We were ordered to bring you to the VIP room."

"VIP?" Luffy tilted his head.

Zoro grinned. "Ah, so he's accepting our challenge already, is he? That Crocodile… he must be the type who gets right to the point."

"Hold on!" Vivi said, not relaxing her grip on her Peacock Slashers. "I don't see any reason why Crocodile would invite us to come directly to him. It would make more sense for him to try and capture us, since I'm with this group."

Luffy puffed steam from his nose, folding his arms. "Oh? So they're lying?"

"Ah, I get it!" Usopp exclaimed. "They're trying to trick us and catch us. Well, they won't get their way—!"

 _WHAM!_

"TAKE ME TO CROCODILE ONLY!" Luffy roared, slamming his fists into the four newcomers. Their faces all got buried in the floor, and the pirate captain simply stormed over them. "NO TRAPS! JUST CROCODILE!"

Usopp shrugged. "See?"

Tashigi sweatdropped. "That's one way to do it… But they can't take you there if they're knocked out cold…"

"It's alright." Vivi tensed her grip on Carue's neck, and he sped up, easily reaching Luffy's side. "I know the way. I just remembered about a map of Rain Dinners that I found at the same time I discovered Crocodile's secret." She frowned. "Miss All-Sunday… I wonder, just why did she allow me to find that…? Well, regardless, there was a meeting hall down below the casino. It's without a doubt the VIP room, because it looked like the biggest room in the whole building, and the map said it had an aquarium, but if you go the way those guys were trying to say, I firmly believe Crocodile had traps set up along that route. The way I know is safe."

"Hmm…" The straw-hatted man gazed at her for a few seconds. Then he grinned. "Alright! Lead the way, Vivi!"

"Aye aye."

"Usopp! Zoro!" Nami shouted. She ran towards the staircase on the right, keeping her Clima-Tact out and ready. At the same time, she pilfered any loose change from the slot machines without a second thought. "You guys go off and make as much ruckus as you can! Spread their forces as thinly as you can; if Crocodile really was trying to trap us, then he won't want us to actually reach him."

"Right!" they said, and they promptly turned and headed for the staircase on the left.

As they went, Zoro tightened his grip on his swords and slashed at the nearby slot machines, roulette wheels, and other games. His swords sliced through them without trouble, causing the hiding patrons to scramble to new, safer hiding places.

"So, where's Crocodile?" Luffy asked Vivi as they continued to dash toward the VIP door.

The princess nodded at the door. "In there. If I'm remembering the map right, there's a long hallway that splits left and right at the end. Right is a dead end, and left leads down to the aquarium room."

"Awesome!" Luffy stretched his arms back, opening his palms and then slamming them forward into the door. "Gum-Gum Bazooka!" The poor thing never stood even a ghost of a chance. It was thrown off its hinges and far down the hall on the other side, crashing into the wall in the distance and cracking it.

Now it was Vivi who sweatdropped. "You don't know how to hold anything back, do you?" she asked wearily.

"Nope!"

They continued forward into the new hallway with Smoker and Tashigi following closely behind. This new part of the casino had plain white-washed walls and a red velvet carpet. Lights placed evenly apart from one another hung off the ceiling. It was a very boring, monotonous corridor, with no changes to any of the walls.

At last, Luffy, Vivi, and Carue came to the end of the hall. Here, the wreckage from the VIP door and the cracked wall spilled all over the carpet, making a real mess of the place. There was also a sign directly in front of them, but it had been cracked by the door, and the paper inside it was falling out of the frame. They couldn't see the writing on it.

"Come on, Luffy, this way!" Vivi said as Carue hopped diagonally over the rubble. They landed in the left hall and took off. Luffy nodded and followed suit. A second later, Smoker floated over the broken door while Tashigi stumbled over it clumsily.

The quartet raced down to a right turn in the left hall and rounded it. Another right turn around fifteen feet after the first led to a wide, blue staircase. They quickly stepped onto this and descended it two steps at a time, or in Luffy's case, three. It had taken them more than a minute to reach this point, and by the time they neared the bottom of the staircase, another had passed. Luffy, further ahead than the others, was able to pick up sounds coming from the tall room at the bottom, the beginnings of which he was just being able to see under the ceiling.

It was a desperate scream which he heard, followed by the sound of rushing water. Then, a strange whisper, like all the water was evaporating at once. Silence permeated the air, apart from Luffy's and the other's footsteps, for several seconds. Then it was followed by cruel laughter, and a distressed cry of, "NOOOO! YOU BASTAAAAARD!"

Behind Luffy, Vivi's eyes widened. "That voice… Nojiko! But why…? I thought she was behind us, keeping an eye on Evan…"

Luffy picked up the pace, a scowl stretching his lips downwards. He jumped and finally reached the bottom step.

Shock crossed his features, followed by pain and fury. He froze. His entire body trembled with his rage at what he saw on the other end of the new room.

"Luffy?" Vivi gasped, making Carue halt as she finally reached the bottom. "What's the matter?"

A dangerous shadow crossed over his face. "Vivi. Tell me. That man over there… Is he Crocodile?"

"Huh?"

Behind them, Smoker, having reached the bottom himself, returned to human form, landed lightly on the floor, and frowned at the rubbery pirate's back. "Oi, what's the hold up?" he asked.

Tashigi drew up behind him, wiping sweat from her brow. "Yeah, why are we stopped?" she said.

Her eyes glanced past Luffy, and they widened at what they saw.

Water pooled in huge puddles all over the floor of the wide room. On the left side wall was what appeared to be a cage, connected to the ceiling. The remains of a desk and chair sat broken on the far end of the room. Pieces of smashed wood and various papers floated, waterlogged, on the water covering the majority of the floor. On the right side, Miss All-Sunday/Nico Robin had Nojiko and King Kong in custody, their arms clamped behind their backs and tears streaming from their eyes. And in the center was the feature of the room, the obvious object of Luffy's anger.

A tall man stood straight, his broad shoulders accentuating his muscle. He had greyish skin and an ugly scar ripping horizontally across his rectangular head. The man wore a bright orange button-up vest with black stripes on it atop a peach-colored shirt. All of this was beneath a dark fur coat with light grey fur trimmings. He also wore a blue scarf, brown dress pants, and black shoes with golden buckles. He was soaked, his dark hair matted to his head and his clothes heavy on his body. An ugly smirk turned up his mouth, and he held up his right arm victoriously. In that hand he clenched a dried husk of a human, shriveled like a raisin in the sun and unmoving… but even so, it was still clearly recognizable as being one Evan Johnson.

"Yes," Vivi spat, so mad her skin was crawling. "He is Crocodile."

" _ **CROCODIIIILE!**_ " Luffy's horrible, loathsome scream rang out, making Nojiko and King Kong wince but drawing their attention to their captain. They smiled in relief and blinked away their tears. Luffy paid this no mind, his line of sight shrinking and shrinking until the only thing he saw was the detested man holding up his totally dried up crew member. " _ **I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!**_ "

The president of Baroque Works looked up at Luffy, a smirk ironically similar to a crocodile's on his face. "Ohhhh? So you managed to make it here safely, did you? Well, it's too late, Straw Hat…" Crocodile threw his arm out to the side, and he flung Evan's husk to the only dry spot in the room: the surface of the broken desk. "Your friend is already dead."

Water splashed as it was displaced by rapidly moving feet. Luffy's arm shook as he wound it, and while he ran forward, seeing only red, he blasted it straight at Crocodile's face. He didn't even bother using the water on the floor. _Pour all my rage… all my fury into my fist,_ he thought in the corner of his mind. _All of it! Just like I've been practicing!_

"FIST!"

Crocodile chuckled, standing his ground. "Coming directly at me? That's quite foolhardy, Straw Hat."

"OF!"

"If you're not careful," the warlord said darkly, "you'll end up just like your crew member." Crocodile lifted up his right hand and held it against his own body. The excess water instantly vanished, his skin and clothes now nice and dry.

" _ **HAAAAAATE!**_ "

A sickening, satisfying _crunch_ resounded out the room.

Nojiko's eyes widened and she leaned forward. "N-No way! He just dried himself! He should've been able to dodge…!"

"How on Earth…?" Smoker breathed, gaping as he watched.

Luffy's fist, smoking, had connected with Crocodile's face and broken the man's nose.

In pure, disbelieving shock, Crocodile stared at the fist that was now retracting back to its owner and snapping into its normal position. Monkey D. Luffy slowed to a halt, panting and glaring at his opponent. The man in the fur coat gingerly lifted his right hand to his face and touched his nose, flabbergasted at the feeling of blood there.

["Lu... Luffy…"] gasped King Kong, though no one could understand him.

Luffy tilted his head down so that his iconic straw hat hid his eyes. "Crocodile. I bet you're wondering how I was able to hit you, right? Well, you know, love and hate really aren't that different from each other."

"What…?" Crocodile blinked, the pure disbelief of having been struck in the face by a normal punch, no Haki or even water involved, halting his brain function. He stumbled back. "What does that have to do with anything, Straw Hat!?" he demanded.

Luffy walked forward slowly, menacingly, his sandaled feet splashing in and out of the water on the floor. "My grandpa always used to hit me real hard when I was a kid. It always hurt, even after I ate the Gum-Gum Fruit, and I didn't understand why. But I realized a couple weeks ago that every time he did it, it was because he was trying to teach me not to do something due to his love for me. I thought about it a lot, until my brain felt like it was gonna burst. But that's what I realized. And I love my crew just as much gramps loved me. I also hate anyone who hurts them. My love and hate is the same, because it all comes from me wanting to protect them. That's what I realized, Crocodile."

The Warlord narrowed his eyes. "What are you going on about?"

Then, at last, the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates tilted his head up so that Crocodile could see his whole face and he _glared_. "Did you feel it, Crocodile? All of my hate in my fist? Hate enough to hurt you? If you didn't, then come at me. There's _plenty_ more where that came from."


	29. Crossover Omake - Hotdog Water

**A/N:** _Here it is, folks! The glorious crossover omake between_ Ripples in the Pond _and Thomaster's_ Twisted Tail! _Prepare yourself for a huge amount of puns and general zaniness! We both wrote this together, so kudos to good ol' Thomaster for helping make this thing happen! Please be aware that_ Twisted Tail _is not on FFN at this time, but posted on the_ Spacebattles _forums_. _I highly recommend you jump over there and check out his story! It's a real fun ride and you'll definitely enjoy it if you like_ Ripples in the Pond!

* * *

Omake - Hotdog Water

:: EVAN ::

"Hah… hah… hah… Damn, Luffy can run _fast_ when he's mad…"

"You gonna be okay, Evan?" Nojiko asked from behind me, a tinge of worry in her voice.

I wiped sweat from my brow, searching out with my water senses to try and determine where the sides of the streets where. Man, even though I'd taken cross-country years ago, I should've kept up with it; I was out of shape. Especially after over a week of no exercise and little food. The sweltering levels of heat that Nojiko, King Kong and I were running through also didn't help matters very much.

We'd fallen behind the main group of Straw Hats as we raced towards Rain Dinners Casino. Nojiko chose to follow me, concerned about my blindness. I had to grin at that. She was like my Seeing-Eye Girl or something. I told Nojiko as much, and a very annoyed _harrumph_ rumbled through the air behind me.

"I forgot how annoying you could be sometimes," the pretty bluenette muttered. It was a shame I couldn't see the expression on her face. And… damn, I just depressed myself. Well, time to be a prick to avoid feeling like crap!

I grinned. "I try!"

"Of course you do."

"Speaking of being annoying, what do you call a snobby criminal walking down the stairs?"

"Wha—?" Although I couldn't see it, Nojiko's mouth momentarily hung open a little as she tried to adjust to the sudden change in the conversation. She blinked and tilted her head. "I have no idea."

My grin widened. "A condescending con descending."

"Huh…?" An unintentional snort escaped her lips, causing her to roll her eyes behind me. "Oh, you little—"

"A man walks into a zoo. There's only one animal in the entire zoo, a dog… It's a shitzu."

"A shitzu?" King Kong signed, the watery outline of his tail flicking in a confused sort of manner. He was once again perched on my shoulder.

Nojiko was silent for a few moments, no doubt trying to figure out the joke behind the punchline. Then I definitely heard a burst of laughter escape her lips, followed by the slight pain of knuckles striking lightly into my back. "Evan, s-stop it!" she giggled in spite of herself. I hummed in an disbelieving manner about that, and at last Nojiko said, "Okay, okay, that one was actually pretty funny."

"You know you love my bad jokes," I said cheerfully. Man, I'd missed this; I was just so happy to finally be able to be at peace with my friends again.

A furry tail swatted my ear. "Not likely," King deadpanned.

"Hmmm, is that an invitation for another joke I spy?" I cracked my knuckles. "Alrighty then! So, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a juggler juggle. The juggler notices that they can't see him through the crowd very well, so he stands up on a box and asks, _'Can you see me now?'_ They say, ' _Yeah.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'"_

Nothing. All that reached my ears was dead air.

"...What?" Nojiko asked at last. On my shoulder, the watery head of King Kong nodded, equally confused.

"Oh, come on!" I protested. "Y-You know! It's their language's ways of saying _yeah_ but it's also a… Ohhhhh wait…" I facepalmed. Of course they wouldn't know what an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, or a German was. Those were all types of people from _my_ home world. That joke had probably just went right over their heads. Well, shit. Now I was just annoyed with myself.

 _Yeah, that was just dumb of you!_ I jolted as before my very… well, no, not before my eyes but before my… mind's eye? The water in the atmosphere started forming into words. _Honestly, you should've learned better by now._

 _ASA?_ I asked mentally, tilting my head. _That you?_

The watery, blue letters rearranged themselves and gained friends. _Nope! Sorry to disappoint, but I'm… well, I guess you could call it the spirit of this universe itself! And I've gotta say, it's been a LONG time since I've been as entertained as I have been watching you! So as thanks for making my eternal non-existence slightly less boring, I've decided to allow you to go back and experience the Drum Kingdom adventure with your friends! You never got to do that, after all, and I do feel sort of bad about that! So, enjoy your vacation!_

"Hey, wait—!" I started to say, but then suddenly my foot met only empty space as it went down to strike what was supposed to be one of the streets of Rainbase. Not expecting the lack of resistance, I tipped forward, my momentum carrying me down in what felt like some sort of hole in the ground. "YAAAARGH!"

"EVAN!" Nojiko shouted, and suddenly I felt her hands, calloused from years spent working with many different weapons, grip my arm tightly. "KING KONG! DAMMIT, WHAT'S GOING ON!? THIS HOLE SUDDENLY APPEARED IN THE GROUND OUT OF NOWHERE!"

I felt the abyss I must've been halfway falling into start to pull me down, air rushing down me like I was being sucked up by a sort of sweeper. Nojiko's grip on me tightened, and a small bubble of fear settled in my stomach. I kicked wildly, desperately trying to grasp onto what I sensed to be Nojiko's other arm; I did _not_ want to go anywhere else after I'd just been reunited with my friends!

"I won't—let you take me!" I roared while King Kong, still clutching tightly to my shoulder barked in panic.I at last managed to grasp onto Nojiko's arm. "Nojiko! Pull us out of here!"

"I'm trying!" she grunted, and I felt her body tremble. "But you're too… heavy!"

"OI! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M ONLY 130 POUNDS!"

"Not the time!" Nojiko snapped.

All the meanwhile, the force pulling me downwards grew increasingly stronger. The stronger it got, the more I sense Nojiko slipping towards the edge of the hole, and the farther down I inched. I tried to mentally grab onto the water vapor in the world above and bring it down into the hole, so that I could use it as a sort of stepping stone to get back up, but something seemed to be blocking me from doing so. At last, the invisible pulling force got too strong, and with a yelp, Nojiko lost her footing. For a terrible moment, all three of us hung in space.

And then we fell.

And far away, floating somewhere in the core of the planet, the spirit of the One Piece universe checked what appeared to be a GPS device. It frowned at the screen, shook it, and frowned deeper.

" _Hmmm…"_ it said, blinking. _"That's not this universe's area code… And that's several days and latitudes away from Drum…"_

It paused, thinking about things.

Then it sweatdropped.

" _Ah… huuuuuh. This might be an issue. ...Oops? Damn, I_ knew _I should've switched off the autofill..."_

~o~

:: THOMAS ::

I was annoyed, to say the least. Sailing around in circles to try to hit the jackpot and find Drum had worked in canon, but in practice it was a lot more difficult. _Why couldn't stupid Wapol have just_ had _a damn Log Pose? What even_ was _his plan? Just hang out in the general area of Drum and beat up the first crew that happened to have an Eternal Pose?_ Never mind that my plan had basically amounted to the same thing; _I_ wasn't trying to rule a country. "Geography in this place is even dumber than geography in my world," I muttered, smoking my twelfth cigarette of the day.

"Just because you don't understand it doesn't make it dumb," Nami lectured, glaring at the offending cigarette.

"I don't understand Luffy, and he's kinda dumb," I countered.

"...That's a strangely compelling argument," she admitted.

"When I'm not lecturing racists that want to kill me, I can be pretty persuasive," I said with a shrug. "It's only when it does matter that my charm fails me." I glanced at the sky, suddenly aware of the strange swirl of the clouds above us. "Is there a storm coming, or something?"

Nami studied the sky as well, a frown forming on her face. "There shouldn't be? The air pressure seems normal enough, but those clouds _are_ a bit concerning."

"The fact that they seem to be screaming is, as well." No sooner had I said that, the clouds split apart, revealing two people falling out of the sky, terror evident in their voices. _Are we under a Sky Island or something?_ "Oi, cap'n! Catch the falling people, please?" I called down, directing Luffy from his perch on the figurehead.

"And now people are falling out of the sky," Nami said, rubbing her temples. "I don't have enough alcohol to get through today."

"At least it isn't likely to get weirder, after this point?" I consoled her, shortly before Luffy shot his hands out to pluck the two out of the air, right before they crashed into the ocean. Once he'd reeled his arms back in, the crew gathered to study the soaked, panting people from the sky.

"So, what are we working with here, Thomas?" Usopp whispered to me as he helped me limp over to them.

"Buhahaha. Hell if I know, buddy. This is off page for me."

Usopp immediately slowed down a bit, now seeming to hide behind me slightly. "Ehehehe," he chuckled nervously, "is that so?"

"Wait, these mystery people aren't spoilers?" Luffy asked, immediately (and disturbingly) salivating at the idea.

"Maybe they're from wherever the shitty pig came from?" Sanji asked, nudging the leather jacket wearing stranger aside with his foot. He appeared to be about 5'9", with brown hair that had been messed up from wind in his fall. He also wore a pair of blue jeans and sneakers. Underneath him was a familiar-looking woman, slender and blue-haired, who immediately squirmed out from beneath him and sat up. "Why is the lovely Nojiko here?!"

"Why do I smell perversion and testosterone?" Nami's sister groaned, rubbing her head. She blinked and took stock of her surroundings, before nearly falling over in surprise. "Wh—The _Merry_!? Sanji!? Wait, you're supposed to be running to Rain Dinners to act as backup! And… hold on, what's everyone doing here!? What the hell's going on?"

Nami's jaw dropped. "NOJIKO!? Why did you just fall out of the sky!?"

"Nami!? And…" Nojiko looked around the ship, her face just growing more and more confused with each passing second. "Luffy? Sanji? Usopp? Some guy I don't know? WHY AREN'T WE IN RAINBASE AND WHAT'S GOING ON!?"

Usopp stared. "...That's what _I_ want to know," he said at last, coming out from behind my back and blinking rapidly at Nojiko. "Didn't we leave you in Cocoyashi?"

 _Wait a second._ "Excuse me, miss. Did you say Rainbase? Are you about to fight _Crocodile_?" I asked, pushing Sanji out of my way. She nodded, which just made me even more confused. _Why the hell is Nojiko fighting Crocodi—_ I looked closer at the brown haired stranger. A young guy wearing double eyepatches didn't seem familiar, but the brown hair and bomber jacket definitely rung a bell. As did the significantly white-furred monkey that was furiously moving his fingers at me. "Is that _King Kong_?" I poked at the unconscious teen with my peg leg. "Are you _Evan_?"

"Hang on, who the hell are you?" Nojiko asked, pointing at me suddenly. "Why are you here, and how do you know about Evan and King?"

"Er, I suppose the simplest explanation is that I'm a… fan? Follower? I've _read_ about him, I guess?" I lit another cigarette with the butt of the old one and ran a hand through my short hair. "This would be a lot easier to explain if I knew what the hell you guys are _doing_ here."

King Kong's jaw dropped. He signed something, and Nojiko sighed.

"King, I don't think they know what the hell you're trying to say."

The vervet monkey hung his head in despair and whined sadly.

"And wait," the bluenette continued. "You… Forgive me if I misheard, but… you said that you _read_ about Evan? You're… a fan?"

"I'm going to assume you know about the whole 'other world' nonsense, and we can move past it?" I asked, breathing a sigh of relief at her nod. "Good, that makes this easier. In _my_ world, Evan wrote a story about how he was transported into _this_ world, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Then, in what I'm assuming is a simultaneous blunder, I wound up here too. But… it wasn't the same version of this world that Evan wound up in? I _definitely_ would have noticed him around Cocoyashi while I was looking for the stupid mouse-marine."

Nojiko stared.

And stared some more.

And stared even more than that.

"...I'm gonna need some _hard_ sake for this," she deadpanned at last, the statement accompanied by a groan and a facepalm.

"Talk to your sister, she was just mentioning how alcohol was required." I muttered, crouching down and staring at Evan. It was _weird_ , seeing another dimension hopper in person. _What the hell is with the eyepatches?_ "Oi, wake up!"

Nothing happened.

"Hang on, I've got this," Nojiko said, brushing me aside and kneeling down. She leaned close into his ear, paused, and then shouted, "OI! THERE'S A NEW LORD OF THE RINGS BOOK RELEASED NOW!"

"REALLY!?" Evan immediately shot up to his feet, a wide grin spreading across his face. "AWESOME! Wait… hold on, that doesn't make any sense. Tolkien's long dead… Uh… what?" He paused, his head tilting around. "Is that… do I hear the sea? Yeah, I'm sensing a lot of water around us… that's the sea, right? And _whoa_ , what's this whispy stuff we're standing on!?"

"Whispy stuff?" Nojiko tilted her head, flabbergasted. "Uh… hold on, Evan, what exactly are you sensing right now?"

The SI shrugged. "Um… hell if I know, dude. I've never sensed anything but water."

I coughed to get their attention. "Not to interrupt, but… what?" I pointed at him. "What do you mean by 'water sense?' Are you blindfolding yourself to unlock Leviathan vision or something?"

Evan wrinkled his nose. "Leviathan vision? Um, sorry, but… what? And… who are you exactly? I do _not_ recognize that voice."

"Thomas Meyer, helmsman of the Straw Hat pirates, at your service," I said, bowing. "Big fan, by the way."

That earned me a pause and a tilt of the head in confusion. "Big fan…? Helmsman of the Straw Hats…?" He scratched his head and was silent for a few moments. Then he turned to Nojiko. "Erm, I'm sorry, but did we pick up someone new in Drum that I haven't been told about? Someone, ah, _non-canon_?"

Nojiko snorted. "Yes and no… I guess."

Another pause. "...THAT MAKES NO SENSE!"

"Oh, have y'all already been through Drum? Neat. We're… on our way there now. Certainly not having embarrassing difficulties with that." I shot a glance at Nami, who was silently giggling. "I suppose the simplest explanation is that I'm not from around here, and you're not from around _here_." I frowned and scratched my head. "Actually, that doesn't make any sense either. What's a good line to use here? 'Welcome to my world'?"

"Welcome to your world?" A beat passed, and then Evan gasped. "Hang on. Don't tell me… you're a self-insert? Weird, I never read about one named Thomas… Big fan?" Something clicked and he facepalmed. "I'm a self-insert, too. Of course I am. Man, that explains a lot."

Luffy, who had been strangely silent thus far, finally chimed in. "Wait, does that mean this guy is like Thomas? He came from the mystery world too?"

"If anything, cap'n, he's even more mysterious than I am. He's the chronicler of another group of Straw Hats, from a different world entirely." Luffy tilted his head and bit his lip, obviously engrossed in whatever passed for deep thought for him.

"So you're telling me there's another Sanji out there that gets to travel around with an extra beauty?!" Sanji roared, glaring daggers at the sky. "Take me! Take Nojiko and me!"

"NOT HAPPENING!" Evan snapped. A ball of water suddenly appeared and splashed Sanji right in the face, causing him to stumble backwards.

"Man, your devil fruit is stupid broken," I said, inching away from the sputtering chef. "I guess its practical applications as a perv prevention device never occurred to me."

Evan shrugged. "I guess? I mean, all I can really do with it right now is splash people and grab them with the water. If I could figure out why it's not getting properly dense, things would be more broken, but… Well, yeah."

"Still, at least you've got a tangible goal in mind. I'm still trying to figure out if I can make my hybrid form have fingers instead of hooves," I said with a grin, shifting into hybrid form to emphasize my point.

"Um…" Evan scratched the side of his head. "What's your Devil Fruit, then, exactly? All I really sense is a big, round mass of water."

I sagged in disappointment. "I… I'm a warthog, man. Usopp said I look cool."

"Really? A warthog?" Evan hummed, then grinned evilly. "That's a real _boar_ ing power!"

"Oi!" Nojiko smacked him 'round the back of his head. "That's rude!"

"Ow! Your smacks hurt!"

I grinned, just as evilly as Evan had. "Please, it makes me gigantic. Look at you, squirt."

"Touché!" Evan laughed, and Luffy rolled on the floor in his mirth while Nami and Nojiko groaned.

"Oh, God, there's two of them…" they moaned in tandem.

"I'm getting a bigger jar," Nami said, storming off after their shared revulsion had passed. Usopp stared after her, then looked back at us, turned back to the hastily retreating navigator and back at us.

"...I don't know whether to get popcorn or go hide," he said at last. "Either way, I'm going to go fortify my workshop."

Sanji, who had finally wiped off the remaining water from his face, frowned in annoyance at the newcomer. "Better fortify the whole ship."

"Not that I'm complaining at a worthy person to spar with in pun fu, but we should probably talk about what, why, and how, soon," I pointed out after a beat.

Nojiko frowned at the brown-haired guy laughing beside her. "Yeah. I'd like to know that, too. Why does it seem like every time you're around, all the weird shit happens?"

"I honestly have no idea on this one," Evan admitted at last after quelling his chuckling. "I mean, I guess the spirit of the universe was taking pity on me not being able to go to Drum? Or something?"

King made some strange motions with his hands. Evan shrugged helplessly.

"Dude, I don't even know. It's been a weird day."

I frowned at that. "Why couldn't you go to Drum? Could you not find it either?"

"Nope. Kidnapped."

"Huh. Did Baroque Works send Mister 1 after _you_ too?"

I could practically feel Evan's incredulousness. "What? No, of course not! It was 3, obviously!"

"What the hell did I do?" I asked, grabbing my head in exasperation. I turned to Luffy with a watery frown. "Cap'n, I know you don't like it when I talk spoilers, but would it be alright if Evan and I have a little chat about what?"

"What about?" Luffy asked dumbly, blinking.

"Yes, about what," I said, raising an eyebrow.

Luffy frowned deeply. "That's what I was asking you. What about?"

Evan stared at us, his grin slowly widening before he at last burst into renewed snickers. "Veehihihi! It's like watching Abbott and Costello!" he chortled. I grinned.

"Who and who?" asked a very confused Sanji.

"Third base," I muttered, before turning to Luffy. "I haven't been able to read his adventures, and I really want to know what happened to him, but I don't want that to spoil what we're going to be dealing with. I just need a couple minutes to hash all this out, honest!"

"Oh," Luffy said, considering for a moment. "Yeah, that's fine. C'mon Sanji! It's lunch time probably!" He quickly Gum-Gum Rocketed to the kitchen. Sanji gave a start and hurriedly ran off after him, no doubt to protect any food from his groping fingers.

I winked at Evan. "I don't even know where Zoro is right now, but that should give us some privacy for a bit." I glanced at Nojiko with a frown. "I presume you don't care about spoilers?"

"'Course not," she said, grinning. "Working with them is pretty much my job on our crew, and anyway, our captain already decided to lift that particular order."

Now it was my turn to feel incredulous. "Wait, you got Luffy to lift the spoiler ban?! How do you even do that?"

"Trust me, you do not want to know," Nojiko said darkly, biting her lip and glancing aside at Evan's face. "It's far better for you if Luffy doesn't have to rescind it."

I could read the mood well enough. And at least now the eyepatches made sense. "Fair enough. It's not like my plans have worked out so far anyway," I said, searching for a way to lighten the mood. "Hey, between your patches and my peg leg, we make a halfway decent pirate!" _Smooth, jackass._

Nojiko opened her mouth in outrage, but a grinning Evan beat her to the punch. "Hey, Eye sea what you did there!"

I sighed in relief, then cracked a smile of my own. "Still, I'm pretty embarrassed. You went to Arlong Park and beat a fishman. I guess you had a leg up on me from the start."

After a short pause, Evan shook his head, chuckling. "ThomaSI, we are going to be good friends; I can already see it."

Nojiko and King just groaned.

"You're as much of a large ham as I am, that's for sure," I said, laughing along with him.

"Alright, which one of you wants punched?" Nojiko cracked her knuckles.

"You're the guest here, I insist," I said, pushing Evan forward and attempting to sneakily limp away.

"Eh? EH!? TRAITO-"

THUD.

"Ow…"

King, a deadpan covering his face, made some more sign language, and Evan groaned. "Alright, alright, no more jokes about losing my sight…"

I put my hands up placatingly. "And I'll stop making pig jokes and/or jokes about my lack of a leg." I paused, then shrugged. "Pig leg. There, now I'm done. Now, care to exchange events as we've known them?"

~o~

:: EVAN ::

"...Okay, wow," I said. Had I had any eyes to look with, I would've been staring at the young man across from me, leaning casually against the mast. "What the hell _did_ you do to get 1 after you?"

"I know, right!?" Thomas demanded. His watery form flung his hands up and I assumed he was running them through his hair in confusion; I couldn't quite tell, though. "I mean, seriously! Just… how did that work!? At least everything ended up working decently well, though—I even stopped the ladies from getting bitten."

"Ohhh?" I hummed. "Good on you. It's the same here, I think, right Nojiko?"

"That's right." The bluenette nodded, smiling and turning to Thomas. "We didn't have anything deadly to deal with, but Nami and I _did_ still have to get treated for our injuries from Mr. 5's explosion. We ended up flat-out capturing Wapol and turning him in to Dalton so that the villagers wouldn't shoot at us like they would have originally. When Chopper found out that we'd taken down Wapol before he could attack Drum, especially after Nami and I combined our efforts to show Chopper that he wasn't a monster, he was so amazed and thankful that he asked Luffy to join himself." She laughed lightly, and King chuckled too. "You should've seen how shocked Luffy was that he didn't have to ask the amazing seven-transformation reindeer to join his crew. Drum was pretty peaceful for us, really."

Thomas coughed politely. "And not to dredge up painful memories, but that's because you were kidnapped by 3? Hell, I almost wish you'd run into the Supaman _that one was unintentional_." He coughed again, apparently realizing Nojiko had no idea who Superman was. "In any case, once Zoro figured out how to cut steel, Mister 1 wasn't much of a challenge. He still managed to injure Zoro pretty badly."

"I'm _not_ injured!" Zoro faintly called from... somewhere nearby.

"You're lying and you should feel bad about it!" Thomas snapped, lighting a cigarette from the smell of things. "I may just be bitter from training with him for a week straight, but I honestly can't wait to throw Kureha at him."

This was a good day for going slackjawed, it seemed. Checking with my water-sense, I could see Nojiko and King reacting in the same way, if their elongated faces were anything to go by. "You had _Zoro_ train you?!" we exclaimed in horror.

"Buhahaha. Trust me, it's probably worse than you're imagining. He taught me how to dodge."

"That...doesn't sound _so_ bad…" King signed in my peripheral not-vision.

"Wait for it…" Nojiko muttered.

"I mean, he took my leg away first. Apparently opponents aim for obvious weaknesses like that? Either way, a dick move. At least Sanji hasn't made me try to catch Luffy with only one leg yet." His water echo looked back and forth at Nojiko and I. "Yes, I'm being trained by 2/3s of the Monster Trio, no, I don't want to complete the set, and yes, sometimes I hate my life."

"...Well, on the one hand, that _sucks_ for you, but on the other hand…" I shrugged and winced. "At least you'll get powerful quickly?"

King paled and signed with trembling paws, " _Very_ quickly."

"Still," I said, humming and leaning back against the other world _Merry_ 's railing, "I'm very thankful for the information on what happens after the fight with Cracker in the manga. Man, I wish I could've read it! Brook sounds like he was a total _boss_."

"He was definitely bad to the bone," Thomas said, sighing afterward. "I can't stop. You may as well just hit me, Nojiko."

Groaning, Nojiko's watery hand reached up to rub at where her eyes must've been. "You know what? I just don't have it in me right now. Maybe later. Actually, no, definitely later."

King snickered. "Your hand too sore from punching them as much as you have this past half hour?" he signed.

"Not sore enough to stop me from slapping you," Nojiko shot back after I translated. The sentence was punctuated with a light slap that nonetheless sent the vervet monkey's head reeling.

As Thomas leaned back and chuckled at their exchange, explosions from the kitchen burst out ears. I heard the distinct sounds of a lot of annoyed yelling from Sanji, a hard foot launching itself into rubbery flesh, and a door getting knocked off its hinges. I then sensed a human-shaped outline of water wearing some kind of hat—Luffy!—fly into the air, past the wispy looking ship and out… into the water…

I sweatdropped as a splash rose up.

"SANJI!" I heard Nami yell from somewhere else. "THAT BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN THE SOUND OF THE DOOR GETTING KNOCKED OFF ITS HINGES UP THERE! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF A WASTE OF TIME AND SUPPLIES THAT IS TO FIX!?"

"SORRY, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji's voice apologized lovingly, just as loud. "BUT LUFFY WAS BEING AN IDIOT AND MESSING WITH THE MEAL WHILE I WASN'T LOOKING! HE SLIPPED AND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED SOMETHING INTO THE SOUP I WAS TRYING TO MAKE, AND CAUSED AN EXPLOSION! I HAD TO KICK HIM OUT!"

"Kick him out," Thomas snorted, and I grinned. "Funny."

"JAR, THOMAS!" Nami shouted again. The other SI cursed.

"How did she hear that!? And anyway, someone better go rescue Luffy… oh, wait, nevermind, there's Zoro waking up to go do it now."

Luffy and Zoro were safely pulled up moments later. However, just seconds after they were back on the boat and Thomas had pressed all the water he'd swallowed out of him, more commotion had begun.

The boat suddenly rocked harder than the normal waves were causing it to. Rushing water cascading off of something filtered into my ears and I twisted around, sending out my senses to try and locate what was happening. Directly in front of me, off the starboard bow, was a massive plume of ocean water that had splashed up and was now falling back to the sea. Beyond that mess was something that seemed to have both fins and a slick surface, as well as whiskers, if the thin protrusions of water attached to what had to be its face told any tales.

"What's going on?" I asked nobody in particular.

Thomas's voice was filled with confusion. "Um… some kind of Sea King that appears to be half-fish and half-shark just rose out of the water."

"That's so redundant!" Nojiko barked, and the sound of flesh meeting forehead rang across the open air. "Just pick one or the other! Ugh, it must've been attracted by the smell of Zoro's blood." Upon me tilting my head, Thomas elaborated.

"Like I said, Zoro get injured bad on Little Garden. If you wind up fighting Mister 1, I advise against attempting to block his steel fruit with your abs. In any event, you know how Zoro fights turn out. Him bloody, the other guy beaten."

"Fair point," I said with grunt.

"Watch out!" King signed suddenly, leaping back from the side of the ship. "It's gonna attack!"

Just as suddenly, the shark-fish outline darted forward. Thomas blasted directly at it from behind me, his outline expanding to the same size and rotundness as it had when he'd shown off his Devil Fruit earlier. He threw his arms out, and the shark-fish's open jaw rammed into him. His feet skidded back a little, but he was able to stop it.

"Evan!" he said quickly. "Throw it out with your Devil Fruit!"

"Devil Fruit!?" Luffy's voice suddenly said quickly, right in my ear. "Show me!"

That made me wince. "Ow, Luffy! Not in my ear! Alright, alright, back away and I'll show you."

He eagerly backed away from leaning up close to me. I took a deep breath and focused all my concentration on the outline of the undulating ocean around our ship. Thomas continued to hold the struggling shark-fish at bay by clamping his huge hands around its jaw, and at the same time, water started rising around the fish, lifting the surprised marine creature higher above sea level. Then the large mass zipped backward as to my mental commands, moving at impressive speeds and carrying the Sea King with it. Thomas let go before the enormous creature moved; otherwise he would've got carried off, too.

There was a pregnant pause that lasted for several moments as Luffy and Zoro, who was apparently still awake and standing next to the resident Monkey D., gaped at my showing.

"...That's something you don't see every day," Zoro said at last, shrugging and walking back to… wherever it was he'd been before. "That tired me out. Good night."

"It's midday," Nojiko pointed out.

"Good. Night."

Luffy was still silent for several more seconds, but I _swore_ I could hear bells going off in the pirate captain's head. "That…" he said at last, grinning wildly and racing in front of me to grab me by the shoulders, "was _so cool!_ JOIN MY CREW, WATER GUY!"

"The name's Evan," I deadpanned. "And I'm already in it."

That took Luffy aback. He let go of me and tilted his head. "What? You are?"

"In another world."

"What do you mean?" Luffy asked in confusion.

Thomas facepalmed. "Luffy, we just went over this half an hour ago… You're so rubber-brained sometimes."

"Amen," Nojiko and I chorused flatly.

Another pause, longer this time. "So… does that mean Evan's in my crew now?"

"Nojiko…" I sighed and shook my head. "Just… take me to the nearest wall so that my head can meet it, please."

~o~

::Thomas::

After explaining what was going on to Luffy _again_ , I was at a loss for what to do next. Apparently Evan was sent here to relive Drum, but since I couldn't _find_ the damned place, that wasn't liable to happen. "Y'know, I really shouldn't be surprised about this," I said with a sigh to my fellow otherworlder.

"Why on all the Earths would you not find _this_ surprising?" Evan asked, sounding afraid of the answer.

"Well, when I first got here, BROB accidentally sent me to the _This Bites!_ universe for a second. The asshole was so embarrassed, he actually did me a few favors to make up for it." I frowned and shook my fist skyward. "Wait, is _that_ why I ran into Daz Bones three arcs early? THAT ISN'T BALANCED AT ALL."

"Them bones, them bones, them Daaaaz Bones," Evan sang quietly, causing me to roll my eyes and snicker.

"Oh, is it "rage against the heavens" time already?" Usopp asked, stepping out of the hold with a hodgepodge of armor on. I recognized the shell of my replacement leg on one of his arms, and a few other random pieces of metal covering his other extremities.

"It's not my fault a deity decided to make my life so interesting," I grumbled, turning to Evan and Nojiko. "Levity aside, I'm really not sure what our play is here. Obviously Luffy wouldn't mind you sticking around until we get to Drum, and your Devil Fruit would probably help us find it. But what comes after, _that_ I'm not sure about."

Evan snorted at that. "Dude, be me: Not sure about _anything_. That's practically my life motto."

"The only things you _are_ sure about are getting yourself into dangerous situations and being stupid," Nojiko said flatly. "Which aren't always mutually exclusive."

King Kong signed something, not bothering to hide a round of cackling under his breath, and the other SI sweatdropped as a result.

"Okay, okay, I get it!" he moaned, hanging his head. "Jeez. Well, anyway, I have the All-Seeing Author on email. I don't know if I'll be able to reach him in this universe or what, but I _should_ be able to… I don't really see any reason why I wouldn't. Then again, it's always possible that he just won't respond, because… y'know. Jerkass Gods."

"Indeed…" I grumbled, my eye twitching.

Usopp blinked. "I'm glad I'm not you two."

Evan whipped out his Nokia smartphone and immediately went to work typing out an email to his neighborhood ROB. Or rather, he opened it on muscle memory before stopping and simply holding it for a while. He hung his head again. "I just remembered I can't see the damn screen to type the damn message…" Evan grumbled, facepalming.

The sniper looked at him in concern. "That must really suck."

"Honestly…" Nojiko sighed, shaking her head.

I raised my hand. "I can do it. Here, give me the phone." I opened the mail app on his phone, hit the button to make a new message, and searched for a contact called All-Seeing Author; immediately, an address popped up—AllSeeingAuthor . I selected it and started typing my message. _Oi, Mister "All Seeing Author". I don't know if you're the same bastard as "BleakRainOfBad" or not, but what do we do?_

I hit the send button.

Almost immediately the phone buzzed. _The Deity you are attempting to reach is out of service. How do you even do that? Please leave a forwarding email, or start praying enough that said deity attains an avatar in your plane of existence._

"I _refuse_ to pray to that bastard," Evan said, his eye twitching as I gave his phone back to him. "Do you know how annoying it was to try and fight Fullbody with the Benny Hill theme song playing in the background? It was like starring in a YouTube meme. Besides, I'm a Christian. It's confusing enough trying to align a BROB with the whole _thou shalt have no gods before me_ thing."

Usopp tilted his head. "Meme?" he said uncertainly.

"You have much to learn, my dear sniper," the waterboy deadpanned before shaking his head fondly. "Sadly I'm probably not gonna be around long enough to teach you about all the doggos and the JoJokes."

"You're speaking English but I can't understand any of it," Zoro deadpanned from where he was apparently not-resting against the side of the _Merry_.

"Okay, seriously?" I rolled my eyes. "That joke was already used in a different SI, just with D&D stuff instead."

"Well, to be fair, D&D itself is pretty much one big meme these days," Evan pointed out.

"True."

Nojiko rolled her eyes. She seemed fond of sarcastic little things like that. "Well, anyway, what do we do, then, if we're not going to pray?"

"Is there anything the ASA particularly likes that might catch his attention and get him to look over here?" I asked Evan, raising an eyebrow.

He thought about that for a second, rubbing some scruffy hair on his chin that he apparently had not had time to shave. Judging by the slight thickness of it, I'd say it had stayed on for about… a week? Maybe two?

"I don't know," Evan admitted. "He seems fond of punnery, making me the universal Butt Monkey—no offense, King—and just anything crazy and insane. Maybe if we do the craziest, most insane thing we can think of and tell a whole lot of really bad puns at the same time, we'll be able to catch his attention?"

"Oh, no," Nojiko said, paling.

"Oh, _no!_ " Nami's voice shouted from somewhere, sounding like she was dying inside a little.

"Oh, YES," I said, grinning widely.

Usopp facepalmed. "I really should've seen this coming," he grumbled. "I'm just going to go plug my ears with as much wax as I can find for the next hour or so." So saying, he quickly ran off to his workshop.

"So, wait," I said, grinning at Evan, "does this mean that our puns might cause some ripples in the pond?"

Evan frowned for a few moments, then opened his mouth as it dawned on him. He returned my grin and shrugged. "I dunno, but if they don't, then _this bites_."

"At least I don't understand these," Nojiko deadpanned, and King nodded mutely as he slowly moved away from his partner and hopped up on the bluenette's shoulder.

"You know," my brown-haired friend said with a sly grin, "a cat missing one foot walked into a bar. It asked the bartender, _Have you seen my paw_?"

I clucked my tongue and shook my head. "You're gonna have to do better than that, Water-Brain. Speaking of, what's the worst thing about history class?"

"I dunno, what?"

"The teachers tend to Babylon."

That earned me a snicker. "Okay, that one was pretty darn good. How about this one, then?" The leather-jacketed pirate thought for a moment, then said, "Yesterday, a clown held a door for me. It was a nice jester."

"Noooo!" Nojiko groaned, leaned back against the ship's railing, and covered her face with her hands. "I liked it better when it was about stuff I didn't understand!"

King chattered despondently in agreement.

"Well, the shovel was a ground-breaking invention," I said in reply.

Evan's grinned widened. "Veehihihi! I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood, because now I'm feeling a little eel!"

"Nooo," Nojiko moaned in the background.

"I don't understand the porpoise of that."

" _Noooooo._ "

"Sucks for you, Ein-swine."

Nojiko's eye twitched. "This is a bunch of hogwash." Then she paled. "Oh. Oh no. Did I just…?"

King Kong's face fell and he signed something. Evan snickered. "He says, _You're dead to me, Nojiko_."

"Y-You…" I was overcome with a fit of laughter that I just couldn't hold back. "You just made a _double pun_!"

"I DID NOT. THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT."

 _ **YOU CAN DENY IT ALL YOU LIKE, BUT IT HAPPENED**_ **.**

The words boomed all around us, making us all flinch and take a few steps back. Suddenly, a blinding flash of rainbow light made my eyes burn for several seconds. When my eyes finally stopped hurting and I was able to see again, my jaw dropped. Standing in between all of us was a huge man, easily fifteen feet tall. His facial features were actually quite feminine, though, and his arms were smooth, his skin creamy. He wore a blue suit and tie over a pink undershirt, and his hair was black and greased up at the front. The giant man also wore a pair of admittedly very cool shades, along with creme pants. All in all, he looked like he'd been pulled straight out of _Jojo's Bizarre Adventure_.

"GODADADADA!" the giant chortled, and he squatted low to grin at all of us. Nojiko backed away as far as she could, looking very disturbed by this newcomer. "My jokey-senses tell me that a very bad pun was just made in a hilarious, accidental manner in this dimension."  
"Um…" I raised a finger. "Would you happen to be the All-Seeing Author?"

"Eh?" The giant man swiveled his head around to me and blinked. "Why, yes I am. And you… you're ol' Bleak's Butt Monkey, aren't you? Thomas?"

I bristled. "I'm a Butt Warthog thank you _what the hell did I just say._ "

"And Evan…" The All-Seeing Author's head turned to his world's SI. "Just what the _hell_ are you doing two universes over?"

"Trust me, I'd like to know more than just about anyone," Evan deadpanned.

"Hm… well, not to worry! I can fix things up just fine!" He grinnned and stretched to full height, then looked up to the sky. "MY APOLOGIES FOR THE INTRUSION, BLEAKY, YA OLD COOT! Alright, come on, Evan, Nojiko, King, let's get you three back to your version of things."

"Huh?" Evan stiffened and frowned. "Can't we at least say—?"

"NOPE! Jerkass God~! SEE YA ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

 _FLASH_. Rainbow light blinded me momentarily again, and I instinctively lifted an arm in front of my eyes. When at last the light died down, I blinked the spots away and stared. My three new friends were gone.

"Well, that happened," Zoro yawned from some distance away. "Wake me up when the shit-cook's done with lunch."

I stared at the space where Evan, Nojiko, and King Kong had been moments before. I sighed. Just when I'd finally found someone with whom I could wage verbal wars as equals…

Nami chose that moment to emerge from wherever she'd been hiding, and walk up to me with a large barrel in hand. She slammed it on the deck in front of me, the change and bills clinking and ruffling inside. "All the money you have now, and will ever have in the future," she said with a dark grin. "And since your friend's gone now, you're paying for _his_ puns, too."

I paled.

Uh-oh.

"CURSE YOU, EVAN!" I roared, shaking my fist at the sky. "YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST HELPED A BROTHER OUT!"

I swear to this day the ocean rose up a stream of water, formed a hand, and flipped me off.

Oh, whatever. All's well that ends well!


	30. Evan VS Crocodile

Chapter 26: Evan VS Crocodile

:: SIX MINUTES EARLIER ::

"Ah, I should've known Crocodile would have a secret entrance to his casino. Makes sense. After all, if a powerful opponent is attacking and one needs to escape, it's only natural to have a way out that only you know about." Evan hummed, crossing his hands behind his head and cracking his back as Nico Robin led them down a dark, shadowy staircase. There was no light in this unmapped part of Rain Dinners, and Nojiko and King Kong had had to wait for their eyes to readjust to the darkness to continue forward safely. Evan was fine because of his water senses, and Robin was alright since she had muscle memory.

Nojiko looked at Evan's back and bit her lower lip. She did not like this idea, not one bit. This could only end badly. Sitting on his partner's shoulder, King Kong looked just as nervous and scared as she felt. His tail was curled up between his legs, and he drooped down, his ears smushed flat against his head.

They still had time to make different plans.

"Evan," Nojiko said, placing a hand on his shoulder, "are you absolutely sure you want to fight Crocodile?"

The young man who'd become her best friend since leaving Cocoyashi what felt like a lifetime ago frowned. His hands trembled, and he took a deep breath. "No," he admitted, his voice a little higher than usual. "Honestly, I'm really scared. I know I probably won't even be able to land a single blow on him. He'll probably beat me within the first minute of the match. But… I have to try. I have to see how long I can last. If I get ten good hits against him, I'll be happy."

"Ten hits…" Robin examined him, free of emotion once more. "Do you have a plan?"

"You think I have a plan?" Evan snorted. "Woman, there's one thing you should know about me: I never have a plan for anything." Nojiko rolled her eyes as her friend paused and tilted his head. "You know, I should actually start changing that. Maybe then I won't lose any more important senses."

Unimpressed, Nojiko withdrew one of her sai from underneath her shirt and smacked it across the back of Evan's head, using the flat part so she wouldn't hurt him as much. He yelped and winced.

"Ow! Give me a concussion, why don'tcha?"

They rounded a corner, and the floor's slope evened out. The secret path into Rain Dinners dead-ended into a wall here, and Robin placed her hand on one of the stones that made up the walls of the passageway. It sank further into the wall, and there was a sound like grinding gears. Then the wall in front of them slid up with a grating cacophony of stone against stone. Evan clapped his hands over his ears, grumbling about increased sensitivity and loud noises.

King raised an eyebrow and signed, "Oh, come on, how much more cliché can you get? You'd think Crocodile would be at least a little subtle about it."

"Now, now, he's clearly not too smart," Evan replied casually. He stepped forward, the first to exist the passageway and emerge into the enormous room beyond. "He's tried to behead Whitebeard. _Twice_ , apparently."

Nojiko sweatdropped as she, too, emerged from the secret exit, followed by Robin. "Okay, you have a point there."

For a moment, they were blinded as the sudden burst of light hit their eyes. Again, Robin recovered the quickest and Evan wasn't even bothered by it, probably completely unaware of the previous hallway's darkness in the first place. Now that they were at last at their destination, the dark-haired woman escorting them crossed her hands and closed her eyes. Arms suddenly sprouted from behind Nojiko, King Kong, and Evan, pulling their hands back forcibly and restricting them from movement. Evan struggled against the cloned limbs just to test them out, and found himself utterly unable to budge them. Robin was a lot physically stronger than she looked, apparently. Then again, this should've really been obvious since she was able to snap people's necks with ease.

Shaking himself out of his ADD-induced mental rambling, Evan threw out his newfound water senses around the entire room, feeling out the place and looking for any shapes that might be human.

It was a large room indeed, with some windows and curtains looking out into the aquarium which surrounded the room on three sides, and was really a part of the lake around the casino. There was a desk in the middle of the room, a rug beneath it, and a chair behind it, spun around so that the person sitting upon it was looking at the aquarium on the opposite wall as the staircase which was the main path down here. This staircase was also directly to their left; the secret passage that Evan, Nojiko, King Kong, and Robin had come through came out into the wall directly to the right of the staircase. Other than these features, Evan also sensed a large structure to his left, which he assumed to be the cage that Luffy and co. ended up getting trapped inside in canon.

He hoped that didn't happen in this version of events. That would just be embarrassing.

The swivel chair behind the desk turned, and everyone except Evan saw who sat in it: Crocodile. His right leg crossed over his left in a figure four. He wore a pleased smirk that sent shivers through Nojiko and King Kong's spines. He stroked his golden hook for a hand menacingly.

"Well, well," he said, "so we meet at last. I have wanted to see you face to face for _quite_ some time now, Evan Johnson."

"You know my name," Evan said. He narrowed his wrecked eyes and felt the area in front of him carefully, stepping forward where no danger could be sensed. "I assume The Bitch told you everything?"

"Indeed." Crocodile remained silent for a moment, a smirk turning up his lips. He stood up from the chair, a looming mountain. He wasn't incredibly tall, but his broad shoulders, impressive confidence, and the power that seemed to flow around him made him appear much taller. "What did you come here for?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Anger and annoyance and frustration bubbled up inside Evan. All of the self-loathing he'd dealt over the past few days boiled over into a severe willingness to fight. Not even Luffy could hold him back now, had the captain tried. "No matter what may happen to me, I'm going to kick your goddamn ass."

A low chuckle, condescending and highly amused, echoed throughout the aquarium room. "You? A no-name, blind pirate? Going to kick _my_ ass? I'll admit that it is commendable that you managed to beat Miss Mother's Day—she hasn't contacted me in days so I assume she's out of commission—but there is no hope for you against me, boy. Now, tell me everything you know about the future, and I may spare your friends. But for your insults towards me and my organization, I am afraid that you cannot go unpunished."

Evan's fists shook. " _My_ insults? _Me_ go unpunished? You're in no position to be talking about being hurt and wanting punishment, damn you!" A growl rumbled from his throat, and he charged forward. Crocodile's smirk widened; clearly he thought he would have an easy time with this. But despite the fact that Evan could not see this smirk, he had no intentions of giving the man the easy fight he was thinking about. He bellowed and flung out his hands, and the glass wall cracked. Then hairline fractures crawled up from the crack across the window, and the Warlord turned toward it with no small amount of surprise.

"The glass is cracking?" he muttered, surprised. "Impossible… That's reinforced more than what's necessary to hold back all that water."

"Didn't your momma ever tell you not to take your eyes off of your opponent!?" Evan snapped, and when Crocodile turned back, the teen was already mere steps away from reach. Crocodile grunted and backed up, but as it turned out, Evan himself was not intending to do anything. Instead, at that very moment, the glass around the initial crack in the window _shattered_. Instead of bursting out and flowing all over the floor, however, the water zoomed in a straight line toward Crocodile. He didn't even have a moment to spare it a shocked glance before it completely soaked him.

"Take this, you bastard!" Evan shouted, and he leaped into the air while swinging his foot back. No attack name followed; only a furious yell, and the crunch of Crocodile's nose as Evan's knee slammed into it. Unable to transform into sand due to having been soaked, the surprised pirate and criminal mastermind could only take the hit. It didn't break his nose, but it sure as hell dented it, and a small gasp of pain rose up from his throat. It had been ages since he'd last been touched, so long that he'd forgotten what pain felt like.

Crocodile backed away as Evan landed badly and winced as his foot ached. It wasn't twisted, but it didn't feel too good.

Watching from the wall, Nojiko and King Kong gaped as Crocodile rubbed at his nose. "H-He actually landed a hit on Crocodile," Nojiko gasped. And that had been a damn good plan, too—first the man's attention had been diverted from Evan getting close to him by the cracking glass, then Evan had diverted it from the cracking glass with a shout to make Crocodile think he was going to physically attack, and so he had been unable to dodge the rush of water.

Nojiko was impressed.

"And it was the first hit of the fight at that," King Kong added, signing worriedly. He didn't know whether this was a good thing or a bad thing.

Robin's eyes narrowed, but she didn't make any other expressions besides that.

The water that had soaked Crocodile splashed onto the floor and formed a puddle around the man's feet. He grunted and lifted up his arms to block any attacks, but Evan was already backpedaling. A direct confrontation with this man was not something that was smart in anyone's definition of the term. Therefore, he let the water pour into the room (although he did hold back enough of it that it wouldn't flood the place soon) and threw his attention to the water vapor he could sense around him. He commanded it to close in, to coalesce around him, and it formed a thick, protective sphere.

"Water powers." Crocodile watched Evan work his magic on the water vapor and frowned. "So that's what your Devil Fruit is? It's hard to believe that such a fruit exists, but it's worthless against mine! I can suck the moisture out of anything!"

"Anything you touch," Evan said. "You only have one hand, Crocodile. You think that that's enough to protect you from this much water?"

"I don't need to protect myself." He clenched his right hand into a fist, then swept it out and extended his fingers, shouting, "Barján!" Wind flowed through the room as a crescent-shaped burst of sand flew from his hand, heading straight for his opponent. Evan's eyes widened behind his eyepatches; as the sand connected with his water shield, the swirling liquid vaporized, instantly drying.

"Shit!" Evan cursed. He had no way of knowing where the attack was coming from, so he simply rolled away from it like a Dark Souls gamer. The sand flung past him harmlessly. Unfortunately, however, now, all that protective water was gone. He bit his lip and faced Crocodile, who was grinning madly. He really was a seasoned fighter. But the man still had one weakness which he had demonstrated several times while fighting Luffy.

"You see, boy?" Crocodile chuckled, and he slipped his hands in his pants' pockets as he walked forward. "You have no hope. Any water you create, I will dry up. Anything you throw at me, I will dry it up. If you try to attack me, I will dry you up. You sealed your own fate the moment you decided you wished to battle me. Your only destiny is to die at my hand now."

Evan clenched his teeth, his jaw quivering as his teeth ground against each other. "Fate? Destiny?" He summoned another sphere of protective water from what was spreading across the floor, and then stuck his hands out, flipped them palm-side up, and bent over like he was holding something heavy. "That's a bunch of bullshit and you know it, Crocodile! There is no such thing as fate, and there is no such thing as destiny for any of us except one person—Monkey D. Luffy! And his fate is to become King of the Pirates, so let me ask you this: Why the _HELL_ would I die _ANYTIME BEFORE SEEING HIS DESTINY TO COMPLETION_!? TEMPEST SABER!"

Behind Crocodile, the amount of water pouring from the hole in the glass wall increased. It swooshed through the air and formed a massive longsword that twirled twice for greater momentum. Unfortunately, the rush of air that this produced reached Crocodile's ears, and he turned with wide eyes in enough time to dry himself off with his right hand, then turn to sand and fly away.

"I'm not done yet!" Evan declared, and reached out through the sphere to the open air. A small section of the water broke off from the sphere and flowed down to Evan's hand, where it coalesced into the shape of a pistol. He did the same with his other hand, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes. "I may not be the best shot, exactly," he said, and Usopp's grinning face flashed through his mind's eye, "even back when I'd had my vision… but right now your body is all spread out, so I don't have to be the best! Tempest Death Blossom!"

As the Warlord flew through the room, avoiding any stray tendrils of water that rose up to try and splash him, Evan pulled down the trigger of the guns, and very wet bullets fired from them rapidly. He turned quickly as he shot, aiming at nothing (except anywhere far away from Nojiko, King Kong, and Robin) but making sure there was no where Crocodile could go to escape his bullet hell. A constant stream of extra ammunition rose up from the expanding puddle on the floor. The attack produced its desired effect: Crocodile was unable to return to human form, for bullets kept straying close enough to his sand body that he had to quickly swoop out of harm's way.

King Kong gaped. "I've heard of water guns, but this is ridiculous," he deadpanned.

"He's recognized that he is unable to face Crocodile physically, so he's making it a long-distance battle," Robin realized, frowning. "But while both combatants' skills neutralize each other well, Crocodile has more experience, and has trained in his Fruit for longer. The lack of precision in Evan's aiming shows this."

"What do you…?" Nojiko's eyes widened. "The bullets are water too. He could just as easily control the path of the bullets, making them homing missiles."

Robin sighed. "Indeed. And it seems that their velocity is slowing gradually. Do you know when Evan ate his Fruit?"

"Right when the crew were saving my hometown, around… two months ago, now, I think," Nojiko said, unsure of the exact time.

The raven-haired woman nodded. "It shows. He seems to be able to have some sense of where things are, even with his blindness. However, the strain of keeping all of this water moving the way he wants it to is wearing down on his mind, in turn making the movements of his controlled water slower and more imprecise."

Nojiko glanced over to the crack in the glass wall, and swallowed. The water was gushing through at a larger pace than before; Robin was right. This was the result of the insufficient training Evan had done. An ability with so much potential from the get-go did not make up for practice time lost. This lesson had been ingrained in Nojiko's head already after the crazy amount of training that Genzo had put her through.

Two minutes passed. Crocodile, flying through the air still, narrowed his eyes as he watched Evan shoot. The bullets were much slower, now, slow enough that he could tell where each one would fire to. His now-sandy eyes flicked over to the desk, which was quickly becoming the only dry surface in the room. Controlling each particle of his Logia form, the villain pulled himself to it, easily evading any bullets that happened to stray too close. Evan at last stopped firing, panting and letting the literal water guns drop to the floor. They splashed against the wet surface and rejoined the rest of the puddle, ripples spreading throughout.

Crocodile smirked and returned to his human form. He landed lightly and threw out his arms.

"See, boy?" Crocodile laughed as the sphere around Evan trembled slightly. The teen was beginning to hunch over, his correct posture weakening. "You have never had any chance of surviving this fight. Even though you managed to kick my nose, you haven't even drawn any blood from me!"

"And you… haven't been able to land a single attack on me," Evan countered, a very pleased grin turning up his lips. "You only had time to send _one_ at me. And that's because of your weakness, Crocodile."

"My weakness?" The Warlord narrowed his eyes. "And what, do you propose, is that?"

The pirate barked out a laugh. "Veehihi! You think I'd do something like tell you? I may be an idiot, but I'm not... hah... _that_ much of an idiot! Telling you would only give you the chance to work around it! No, no, the only thing I'll tell you is TEMPEST CEMENT PENNY!"

Crocodile blinked. "...What."

"Where I come from," Evan said, smirking, "they say that if you drop a penny from the tip top of the Empire State Building, when it hits the ground, it'll be going fast enough to kill a man. And when you're falling fast enough, even the water feels like cement."

 _So what would it feel like if water fell at the same speed as the penny?_

Crocodile narrowed his eyes.

Nojiko stared at the air above Crocodile, just below the room's ceiling. Silently, a large square of water was forming in space, hovering despite the laws of gravity. The Warlord didn't notice it, however. He was too busy trying to figure out what Evan was talking about. Then the boy shouted and thrust his hands downward with the palms facing the floor. Overhead, the massive square of water also thrust down, and Evan's Cement Penny crashed towards Crocodile's head at an impressive speed. However, it wasn't nearly as fast as Evan had wanted, not by a mile, and Crocodile, suspicious of his movements, glanced up.

"So that was your plan," he said, his lips turning up in a smirk. "Desert Encierro!"

The Warlord lifted up his right hand, and his fingers connected with the falling water. However, the moment they did so, all the moisture from the water was sucked away, and the water vaporized instantly. The effect spread to an area around Crocodile, safely enough that none of the makeshift ceiling would hit him. The rest smashed into the desk, which caved in and splintered, before finally collapsing with a groan of wood.

Crocodile slid down the wreckage of the desk into the water, but didn't lose his balance and stood up straight. Evan panted, his breathing slow and raspy; his body was weak now, his arms and legs trembling. He had never used his power _this_ much before, only in short bursts at a time. He bit his lip; this wasn't good.

"Do you see now?" Crocodile said, totally dry except for his feet, which were getting wet again from the water slowly soaking through his black shoes. "You don't even stand a ghost of a chance against me. If you ever wished to kick my ass, you'd need a hundred more years of training… but by that time, I'd be a hundred years stronger still. There is simply no way that you could catch up. Sables: Pasado!"

His outstretched hand produced tons of swirling sand which formed a sand twister, the wind whistling around it. Then the older man threw it forward, and it spiraled toward Evan. The teen twitched but held his ground; he was unable to see, so he couldn't tell where it was coming from anyway. The attack smashed into his water sphere and dissipated, though the shock wave created by the connection rippled through it and into his body. He cried out in pain as the shock passed through him; luckily, though, the effect was lessened by the water it had traveled through, and although his whole body screamed in protest when it was done, he was still conscious.

Crocodile narrowed his eyes some more. "Not bad," he admitted. "Let's see how you fare against another. Sables: Pasado!"

"GRAAAGH!" Evan cried as the shockwave made his body tremble. He sank to one knee, panting; had he still been able to see, his vision would've been swimming. As it was, he felt like he stood on a boat in crazy seas, for his balance rolled and trembled. He bit his lip and stood up.

"E-Evan…" Nojiko's hands clenched. "He's in so much pain, but he's not giving up."

His brain trembling, Evan flung his hands forward like he was swiping at Crocodile. Water rose up and formed bubbles, and then flew at his opponent. "TEMPEST BUBBLE BLASTER!" However, even though the boy was aiming at Crocodile's blue outline in his senses, the floating spheres raced by the man with varying degrees of inaccuracy. He only had to raise his hand to suck away the moisture once.

Meanwhile, Crocodile studied the teen carefully. It was unusual for a Devil Fruit user to be submerged in any water and still be able to actively use his Fruit power, much less move. Furthermore, it had been several minutes since the fight began, and Evan had been calling his attacks, too, yet not drowning by swallowing water. With these two observations combined, it seemed obvious that this meant the water didn't cover him completely, but that there was a space of air between him and the edge. However, it didn't seem like it would be very big at all, which also meant that there were likely very small holes all around the water sphere that constantly supplied Evan with both fresh air and a means to filter out the carbon dioxide which he exhaled.

All he had to do was find where the holes were, and victory was his.

Crocodile smirked and discreetly sent some sand forward, skimming just over the surface of the water pooling on the ground. Then it climbed up the sphere, crawling over it and testing it out to see exactly where these holes might be. After a minute or two of simply standing still and testing his theory while Evan's Tempest Bubble Blaster continuously missed, he'd found a good many of these holes, enough to send a lot of sand through.

Perfect.

"Desert: Pasado!" Crocodile roared, and threw another sand twister at Evan. However, instead of bursting apart upon connecting with the sphere like the others, all of the sand broke away from the main group and filtered into the holes. Evan, unable to notice this, continued spamming his Tempest Bubble Blaster to no effect while the sand crawled into his safety shield. Then, after a quick flick of Crocodile's wrist, the many little particles flew forward and slammed into Evan. He choked and stumbled forward, and the protective sphere around him dropped. Many nasty cuts opened on his skin as the slices of sand slashed him everywhere and anywhere.

Screaming in pain, Evan fell forward onto his knees and hands, keeping himself propped up through sheer willpower alone.

"No, no, no," Nojiko muttered like a mantra, straining against Robin's extra hands that held her back. Beside her, King Kong glared furiously and also struggled; but their efforts were fruitless.

"And so ends your story," Crocodile crowed as he walked forth, feet splashing through the water. The room fell quiet, the sounds of the battle now gone. The only noises left were the water gushing through the glass wall in buckets, now, and Crocodile's wet footsteps. "I must say, for someone so weak, you put up a decent fight. But any attempts you could have made were worth nothing against me. And since you refuse to tell me any of what you know, I have no further use of you."

Crocodile knelt down, smirking evilly, and closed his hand around Evan's neck. The teen, mostly unconscious but just barely awake, twitched and weakly attempted to fight back as he was lifted high into the air. Crocodile stood up and simply suspended Evan in midair by his neck for several seconds, and Nojiko and King Kong furiously struggled against Robin—but ashen faced as she was, she did not relent her grip on them.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Nojiko snarled. She saw red—only the dastardly man holding up the teen she'd grown to admire like the poor guy was nothing but a limp toy. "YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE TO HIM, AND I SWEAR I'LL—"

Crocodile ignored her. "It's time to put you out of your misery," he told the only partially conscious pirate, and Nojiko's blood chilled. "Desert Encierro."

And all the moisture was immediately sucked from Evan's body. The only thing that was left of him was a wrinkled, open-mouthed husk of a person, like a raisin in the sun.

Nojiko and King Kong froze in horror, their mouths opening silently.

Then the blue-haired girl screamed, "YOU BASTAAAAAARD!" and Crocodile chuckled like mad.

Footsteps echoed through the room, dry and rapid. All eyes turned suddenly to the staircase, and then none other than Monkey D. Luffy came charging down the staircase. The pirate captain's hair was windswept from running so fast, but he looked fresh and ready to bust some heads. Then, as Nojiko and King Kong cried tears of relief, he reached the bottom of the steps, looked forward at Crocodile, and froze.

"L-Luffy…" Nojiko hiccupped, sobbing happily. "You're here at last…"

Vivi, Smoker, and Tashigi then came running behind him, and all three also stopped. Words were exchanged, but Nojiko was too relieved to hear them. Then a terrible howl of utter rage ripped up from Luffy's vocal chords, and he dashed forward. " ** _CROCODIIIIILE! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!_**

" ** _FIST! OF! HAAAAAATE!_** "

And at long last, the true battle had begun between Luffy and Crocodile.


	31. Smoke, Rubber, and Sand

**A/N:** Sorry about the unplanned hiatus, everyone! Two months ago, I kinda got stuck for inspiration on this chapter, but last week I finally completed it. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get it out then because my laptop had decided to quit on me and I had to get it fixed. I was able to finish it on my phone, though, and my editors did their magic. Now my laptop's finally fixed and back in my possession, so here's this chappie at much too long last!

I may have paid to get my computer fixed, but that doesn't mean I own _One Piece_!

* * *

Chapter 27: Smoke, Rubber, and Sand

Luffy dashed forward with all his speed, kicking up water droplets into the air that hit his fist. He threw his arm backward and it stretched far. As the pirate drew closer, his arm retracted and blasted forward like a rocket. Crocodile, wary now of the punch, dodged it in the nick of time as it sped by his face. He felt the wind displaced by it make his hair ruffle.

"Did you seriously think the same attack would work on me, a Warlord, twice?" he snarled, and reached up to grab Luffy's arm with his right hand—

Luffy gave him a look that made him feel way dumber than it should've. "Nope," the captain deadpanned, and promptly grabbed his own arm, then flicked it down.

Crocodile stared. "What the…?" But he didn't even need to complete his question, because the next few seconds answered it for him. The wave of energy released by Luffy's flicking of his arm caused the rest of the stretched-out limb to fling up and down, like a taut rope some kids waved up and down… except it was also going in circles. And retracting back to its normal position. Crocodile's eyes widened. "Shit!" he cursed, and immediately ducked as low as he could without face-planting into the water.

With a crack, the straw-hatted boy's arm returned to its normal length, missing the crown of Crocodile's head by several inches. Luffy glared at him and threw out a disturbingly powerful kick. For a boy, this kid had impressive speed and strength. Frowning, the Warlord dashed out of the way…

Right into a plume of smoke that burst forth from behind Luffy, a jutte clenched in its hand.

"White Launcher!" Smoker shouted, and just before the smoke reached Crocodile, it congealed and transformed into the Marine's physical form. His seastone-tipped jutte pointed at the Warlord, Smoker crashed through the air at him; gritting his teeth, Crocodile broke into sand. This gave him the movement necessary to avoid the tipped butt of the weapon.

"Smoker," both he and Luffy growled.

"You're in my way," Crocodile told him dangerously. Sand curling through the air, he swept harmlessly around the weapon as Smoker splashed into the water. "Get out of it or you won't like the consequences."

Luffy seemed just as pissed. "This is my fight, you smokey guy!" he said with a deep frown. "I have to avenge my crewmate. Don't interfere with it."

"I'm a Marine, and there is criminal activity happening that could result in millions of civilian deaths," Smoker hissed back, the words directed at both of them. "I won't get out of your way, you bastard of a Warlord, and I can't sit this fight out to let another pirate fight it for me."

Crocodile reformed fully into his human body and gave himself some space from the other two Devil Fruit eaters, annoyed. This could be a bit of a problem.

Tension hung in the air as Luffy and Smoker exchanged glares. The sounds of water gushing through the crack in the window, Tashigi pulling Shigure from its sheath, and Vivi pulling out her peacock slashers were the only sounds for several seconds.

"Tashigi, Princess, sheath your weapons," Smoker said after a moment. "This kid and I will handle this ourselves."

Luffy clearly didn't like it, but he nodded and turned his hateful gaze at Crocodile. "Fine. This bastard is going _down_."

On the inside, the rubbery pirate was steaming. This was _his_ fight! Evan was _his_ crewmate! He could kick this bastard's ass on his own and he had every right to do so! But he doubted his Fist of Hate would work on Smokey; he liked the guy, after all, and getting into a fight with him now was pointless, anyway. It would only cause more mayhem and make saving Evan slower. Because there was no way Evan was dead.

He didn't know why Evan was here in the first place, but there was _no way_ Evan was dead.

"Tch," Crocodile spat, eyeing the situation carefully. The water level in the room was rising much quicker since the eyepatched-kid controlling it was out of commission. It was halfway up his calves now. Soon, the entire place would be flooded, and then this would all just be far more of a mess than he wanted. He couldn't simply leave the fight; Luffy and Smoker blocked the way, along with Vivi and Tashigi who remained at the foot of the stairs, their weapons dripping with water.

How many people had that Evan bastard told his weakness to, anyway? Crocodile growled in annoyance. None of this was going as planned.

Unfortunately, the Marine and pirate captain facing him were done waiting.

"Gum-Gum Gatling of Hate!" Luffy roared, and began slamming his fists at Crocodile rapidly. His fists extended forward with each punch thrown, and when they snapped back, their next punches had greater speed. Crocodile weaved in and out through the flurry of attacks, but his dodging was not as good as it had once been. The more the speed escalated, the closer Luffy came to connecting.

And Luffy wasn't the only one who decided to take the initiative. The greenish-grey haired Marine had turned into smoke form and billowed around Crocodile's side while he dodged Luffy's Gatling of Hate, and now came in for an attack.

"White Blow Rush!" Smoker exclaimed, stabbing his jutte forward at Crocodile's back. The warlord's well-honed instincts raised his hackles, and he immediately formed a hole of displaced sand where the jutte would've touched him. It passed through his body, and with another annoyed growl, Crocodile reached back and grabbed it with his right hand.

Smoker immediately yanked it free, though, just as the small amount of moisture in the weapon started to dry up. The Marine billowed back, checking his jutte for damage. Not much had been done, thankfully. Nodding to himself, he watched carefully for openings.

"You two are rather annoying," Crocodile grumbled. Luffy didn't reply; he just kept punching. Finally, though, he realized this wasn't working, and decided to go for a different tactic.

One rubbery leg shot up high into the air, clean through the ceiling of the aquarium room and into the room above it. "Gum-Guuuum…" Luffy called slowly as it continued to rise. Then it stopped and came down like a backwards rocket. "Water Gun!"

Crocodile had a brief second in which he remembered Evan's literal water guns, and thought wildly that somehow Luffy might replicate that, but the moment of stupidity passed when Luffy's sandaled foot smacked down into the floor in front of him. A giant _fwoom_ shook the room as water cascaded around them. Both the rubber-brained captain and the sandy Warlord were soaked by the spray, although only the latter was bothered by this. His eyes widened, and he tried to touch his chest to dry off as quickly as possible, but Luffy was already a step ahead.

"Gum-Gum Bullet of Hate!"

Crocodile coughed as one powerful fist drilled into his stomach and knocked him backwards; he nearly lost his balance thanks to the water licking at his thighs and pulling at his feet. He had lost a precious moment of time thanks to the surprise upon realizing Luffy's actual plan, and he'd paid for it. It felt like a condensed tornado had decided to burrow into his stomach.

Up above and behind him, Smoker grinned wickedly. "Not bad, Straw Hat," he said, and swept downwards. His upper half had transformed back into a human form, while his lower half remained smoke. "White Cloud!" he roared, and brought his jutte crashing down on Crocodile's head.

 _That_ hurt like hell. The Warlord bit his tongue from the force of the attack and spat blood as his head jerked forward and downward. The whiplash was brutal, and for any normal person, it would've caused their brain to bounce against their skull, but Crocodile was made of much sterner stuff. His head throbbing, the president of Baroque Works rolled away from Luffy's Bullet and from Smoker in general. This made him even wetter, but since he was already soaked again anyway, it didn't matter.

"You think you have any chance against me, a Warlord, pirate?" he grunted at Luffy furiously. "How dare you continue to insult me like this!" He glared at Smoker. "And you—the Marines have stayed out of our business for years! Do you think they'll allow you to keep your rank when they find out you attacked a Warlord without a warrant? You have no evidence, and you'll just be sacked like the dog you are."

"If you think that's an insult," Luffy returned with equal ferocity, "then why don't you have some more!? Gum-Gum Whip!"

Crocodile gritted his teeth and leaped over the sweeping kick that extended far beyond his own body.

"Evidence?" Smoker said, his voice dropping in pitch. " _Evidence_? I have all the evidence I need, _Crocodile_ , when a _princess_ has to turn to _pirates_ to save her own country from utter destruction! I have all the evidence I need when you are running a backhanded scheme, hiring dangerous Devil Fruit eaters as assassins! I have all the evidence I need when a country loses all of its rain for three straight years and a Logia whose power just so happens to be able to hold back moisture is the perpetrator of all this suffering, by word of the princess's own mouth!" Enraged, he turned his arm into smoke and sent it blasting towards Crocodile. "White Snake!"

 _These bastards…_ Crocodile thought, running from the smoke; it turned and followed him, and his eye twitched. Fighting one of them at a time would be something he could handle in his sleep, but both was turning out to be a large pain. The water on the floor lapped at his knees, now, too, and it begun to draw from his energy ever so slightly. Luckily, both Luffy and Smoker seemed to be experiencing the same problem. That Gum-Gum Whip had been slightly slower than Straw Hat's other attacks, and the smoke chasing him was also not quite as fast as it should have been based on Smoker's reputation and previous attacks.

Still, going on like this would be a problem. Crocodile placed his hand on his side and drew out the excess water on his skin. At least his upper half would be able to transform now. He turned into sand with a smirk just as Luffy fired off another attack at him, and Crocodile sent the sandy parts of his body high into the air.

And experienced _pain_.

"URGH!" Crocodile gasped from the sheer shock of the lightning tendrils of pain coursing through him while in sand form. "What the hell!?"

"GUM-GUM BAZOOKA!" Luffy shouted below him, and the sound of rubber snapping again resounded through the room. At the same time, some part of him crashed into a wall and was lodged there, and with a chill, Crocodile understood. His lower legs had been unable to transform, so Luffy had simply went for those instead. He almost wanted to cry; it felt like his untransformed leg bones had been shattered.

Still being restrained by Robin near the closed secret entrance, Nojiko whooped savagely. "YOU GO, CAPTAIN!" she yelled. "BREAK HIS DAMN LEGS! WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, BREAK HIS DAMN FACE, TOO!"

"I normally frown upon people taking enjoyment in others' agony," Vivi said darkly, "but that felt _good_. THAT WAS FOR ALABASTA AND FOR EVAN, YOU DAMN BASTARD!"

King chattered and shook his fist, his tail swishing angrily behind him.

"Y-YOU… STRAW HAT!" Crocodile shouted, so lost in rage now that he couldn't even insult properly. It had been years since he'd been injured like this, and to think that it was some small-time East Blue nobody who did it after all this time! His pain seeped out through his voice, and with a throaty cry, he turned his golden hook back into its physical form and slid off the casing. The poison hook glinted in the light of the aquarium room as his sandy arm shot towards Luffy.

Robin's eyes widened. She nearly shouted for the boy to watch out, but that would alert Crocodile to her betrayal, and that was not worth it at this point in time. Vivi, however, had no such worries holding her back, and shouted a now-terrified warning. Luffy simply didn't need it, though; he looked up, saw the hook, and jumped back. It stabbed down where he used to be harmlessly… and then swept back at him.

Luffy blinked. Oh. That probably wasn't good. He'd seen purple, steamy liquid like that before on weapons from some of the poor people who'd been cast out of Goa Kingdom. Ace had told him that touching that was bad and that eating it was even worse.

"GUM-GUM RUN AWAY!" he cried, and promptly did just that.

"GET BACK HERE, STRAW HAT, SO YOU CAN DIE IN PAIN AND MISERY!"

"GUM-GUM NOPE!"

King's eye twitched. "Somehow this is funnier that it's supposed to be," he signed, looking torn between snickering and worrying for his captain.

Smoke billowed back to Smoker's main form with a whistle like a tea kettle. The splashes of Luffy's feet wading through the rapidly rising water echoed through the room, and the Marine frowned. This was getting to be too dangerous for all three of the Devil Fruit users. If something wasn't done about the water… He frowned. His eyes flicked over to where Evan lay on the floating bits of the broken desk, a dried-up shell. After a brief moment of thought, he blasted some smoke over towards the blinded pirate and pushed him into the water. He held him there and winced as Evan's body immediately quadrupled in weight, and not just from suddenly fluffing back up to normalcy.

"Oi, let go of Evan, Smoker!" Nojiko hissed, and he sighed.

"Calm down," he told her. "I'm not drowning him; I'm rejuvenating him." He lifted Evan's now once again moisture-filled body in the air for her to see, and the bluenette calmed down slightly. The brown-haired kid choked and spat water; evidently that had been enough to wake him up. Whether it was his moisture being restored or the innate fear of drowning that all Devil Fruit users had instilled in them, though, was up for questioning.

Still sending his poison hook after a Luffy randomly running in circles, Crocodile felt his annoyance rise even further. That waterbender still wasn't dead? Curse that smokey bastard! All of this just kept going even more wrong. Luckily, Evan was weak enough that he definitely wouldn't be able to keep fighting, but it still pissed him off.

"You okay, kid?" Smoker gruffed.

"S-Smoker?" Evan choked weakly, coughing up the last bit of stray water that had gotten in his lungs. "That was you who dunked me in the water? Please… never do that again… _GeezIthoughtIwasgonnadie_."

The broad-shouldered man released him and motioned to the water. "Think you could stop that from flowing in any more? It's getting to be an inconvenience."

Evan sent his senses out to the water rushing in the wall and nodded. "My mind's really kinda fuzzy right now, and if I do anything too strenuous I think I'll just go right back to being unconscious, but ah… I think just holding the water back should be fine."

"Perfect."

While Evan commanded the water to stop flowing, Luffy, tired of running, turned and fired a Gum-Gum Whip at Crocodile's hook. His foot smacked into the gold it was attached to, knocking it away and out of his sand's grip. It splashed into the water and sank, and Crocodile's fury only rose even further.

"I've had just about enough of this," he growled, a vein on his forehead popping against his skin. "You damn imbeciles… just die already!" He brought all his sand back up to the main cloud hovering in the air, and then charged down at the ground, turning his right hand back into its human form. "Lake Secco!" His hand contacted the water on the floor, which immediately began to dry out with a hiss like a dying cat.

Luffy pounded his fists together as the water level dropped with surprising speed. "I won't let you do that!" he cried; the water was their main weapon against him, and letting it disappear would just be bad. So thinking, he kicked out his foot and drove it straight towards Crocodile's face, which remained untransformed so he could see better. "GUM-GUM STAMP!"

One soppy sandal connected with Crocodile's already-broken nose, and the Warlord bellowed.

" _WHAT IS IT WITH YOU STRAW HATS ATTACKING MY FACE!?"_ he snarled, and lifted his right hand from the surface of the water long enough to form a blade of sand. "Desert Spada!" he growled, and the blade reeved through the air. Luffy gulped and dodged to the right, but it was still quick enough to cut a deep gash in his side.

The pirate howled in pain as his red desert robes stained even redder with his own blood, and Nojiko and Vivi's eyes widened. "LUFFY!" they shouted.

Smoker grunted. That looked like it had hurt. He couldn't waste time in concern for an injured pirate, however, even if it was an injured pirate who had been helping him take down the bastard with too much sand up his ass; he needed to stop Crocodile from attacking as much as he could, and take him down. So thinking, he dashed forward, turned his upper arm into smoke and blasted his jutte forward. "White Blow!"

"Haven't I already said that the same attack wouldn't work twice?" Crocodile said in a tone that was a strange mix of bored and annoyed. "And that's considering whether it worked _once_." He turned the part of his body that would've met the seastone tip of his jutte into sand and made a hole, just before Smoker's attack could connect; but the motorcyclist had been expecting it.

"Sorry," he said, not sorry at all. "I lied. Jitte Ranbu."

Crocodile's eyes widened slightly as instead of going for a straight jab, Smoker instead suddenly turned his fist and smacked the tip into his side. He only barely avoided it with a sandy hole in time, but the Marine Captain immediately switched to another blow, this time from the opposite direction, upon his weapon passing to the other side of Crocodile's body. The Warlord avoided that one, too, but the strikes became noticeably faster. Smoker didn't let up, either. Annoyingly for Crocodile but pleasing for Smoker, the random position of each separate attack—solar plexus, left calf, right side of the neck, and more—made it impossible to predict where each one came from. As many as he did dodge, the criminal agency's president couldn't dodge every strike, and so ended up getting hit by a few.

"Straw Hat!" Smoker boomed as Luffy staggered up to a full stand, clutching his heavily bleeding side. "Don't let up! Give him any chance to attack and he could take all of you out! I'll be fine since I'm smoke, but you won't be!"

Luffy's hate-filled eyes fell on Crocodile chillingly. "Don't worry," he snarled. "I never planned to give him a chance to fight back. Gum-Gum Gatling of Hate! RAAAAAAAAAH!"

A flurry of attacks rained down on Crocodile from both sides now, and his eyes widened in slight fear as he hastily tried to dodge each and every one while at the same time, drying up as much of the water on the floor as he could. It was only his years of Grand Line experience and sheer fighting prowess that kept the man from falling to his two opponents. He weaved in an and out through the abnormally fast punches and jutte swipes, growing gradually weaker and weaker each small time he was hit. Veins continued to pop on his forehead, and his annoyance grew greater and greater. There was no way for him to fully escape Luffy's and Smoker's flurry now, not like this, and so Crocodile did the next best thing: he maneuvered himself around just enough so that he could aim at the stairwell.

He ducked down beneath a blur of a fist and a jutte, turned his upper left arm into sand, and shot the human part of it forward. The metal hook shone like a beacon of danger as light bounced off of it, its poison's deathly purple fumes leaking into the air.

"Shit!" Luffy gulped, in the way of the attack, and he rolled out of the way… but Crocodile's arm kept on going.

Nojiko's eyes widened as she followed the hook's path. "Dammit," she cursed, and hurriedly dunked two bullets in what little remained of the water on the floor. She hastily brought out one of her pistols, loaded the bullets in it, and fired at Crocodile's arm. The cracks rang out loudly in the room, and the wet bullets pierced Crocodile's sand and drew blood. He hissed in pain… but the deed was already done.

Blood splattered and mixed into the rest of the water in the room. But it wasn't Crocodile's, nor was it Luffy's.

"VIVI!" Nojiko shouted, eyes widening in fear, and with a howl she finally broke free of a stunned Robin's grip to dash forward to her falling friend's side.

Smoker's own eyes widened, chilled so fiercely that his body stopped moving for a few seconds. "TASHIGI!" he yelled, and his vice-captain staggered a couple steps before slumping forward and tipping over.

Both the Princess of Alabasta and Smoker's Vice-Captain splashed into the water, twitching and sobbing in pain. Their faces pale as if they'd seen a ghost, they shakily reached up and clutched at their sides; Crocodile had ruthlessly impaled them with his poison hook, and they could feel it spreading through their systems. It burned, it melted, it ate at them.

"D-Damn… you…" Vivi choked out weakly. "I can't die here! I'm going to… save my country…"

Evan gritted his teeth and turned to Crocodile. If a blind look from behind a couple eye patches could kill, the Warlord would have been six feet under Alabasta's lifeless sand. "You're going to pay for that," he promised woozily.

Luffy didn't even hesitate. "GUM-GUM BAZOOKA OF HATE!" he shouted with all the fury of an army of preteen girls facing a spider, and as Crocodile's arm came back to him, the pirate slammed both of his palms into the man's chest. Or tried to, at least; his hands simply passed through the smug Warlord's body as it again broke into sand before he could hit it. Smoker had to turn into his namesake element and haul ass out of Houston to not get accidentally Bazooka'd instead.

"Now, now, Straw Hat, that's not good," Crocodile chided him, smirking. At last, he had the advantage! "That Marine girl and the Princess have been poisoned by a substance that will kill them incredibly quickly. Fighting me is pointless; they'll only die by the time you win, if you even manage that. What was that you were screaming about earlier, hm? Revenge for your friends? You care about them a lot… but what good is all that care for if they're dead?"

A look of horrified realization passed over Luffy's face and he froze halfway through pulling back for another punch. "Y-You…" he choked out hesitantly. "No way would they die! Vivi will save her country! And I don't know about the Marine girl but she wants to help out, so no way would she die until she helps save this country, too!"

"Wanting is all well and good," Crocodile gloated, "but all that is meaningless in death."

Luffy hesitated further, sparing a look at the woman he'd promised to protect and bring to her home, as well as the woman he very vaguely remembered from Loguetown.

It was all Crocodile needed.

"Straw Hat, look out!" Smoker hissed, and then the hook was flashing through the air again, and it stabbed through the center of the pirate captain's chest.

Dead silence fell over the room as every Straw Hat present felt a little part of them die.

" _LUFFY!_ " Nojiko, Evan, and even Vivi (albeit in the latter's case, it was more of a croak) yelled. Smoker grunted and blasted his jutte forward desperately, vengeance gleaming in his eyes, but Crocodile just smirked.

"Sables: Pesado!" he announced, and a small but dense mass of swirling sand gathered in his right hand, growing larger with surprising speed. He hurled it forward at the approaching Smoker. It connected with the seastone-tipped weapon, and Smoker only had time to growl. Then the swirling sand exploded against the metal, and the weapon shattered. The resulting shockwave blasted the Marine back, his Logia powers of no help, and the glass of the window that wasn't yet broken shuddered.

Smoker slammed into the wall behind him and stared at his broken weapon. Due to the fact that he hadn't expected to meet the Straw Hats at that specific time in that specific restaurant, he hadn't brought any sea prism stone other than what was on the jutte. He'd have to fight Crocodile fist-to-fist now… but that would be much slower, and Tashigi, Princess Vivi, and that damned Straw Hat might die from the poison by that time.

"All it will take is a couple of minutes," Crocodile laughed, everyone tense as he threw Luffy to the side like an empty box. The pirate hit the floor hard and tumbled several feet. He struggled to get up, but it was clear that he was in egregious agony. "Then their suffering will be over." He turned his smirk on Smoker. "I will take my leave, now. I have business to attend to in Alubarna. You can continue to fight me, or you can look for a cure and pray that you're lucky."

Evan used his water senses to find Crocodile's location and glared at the bastard as he strolled forward as if he owned the damn place (which, really, he did). The teen didn't make any moves, however; he knew just how dangerous a situation they were in now. "You're lucky we're not anyone else besides the Straw Hats," he said quietly. "Otherwise, by the time Luffy gets done with you, you wouldn't be merely a grease stain on the damn sand. You'd be _nonexistent_."

"Want to be dried up a second time, Waterboy?" Crocodile said testily, pausing and raising up his right hand. Evan wisely shut up, but didn't stop his sightless glare. Crocodile's smirk widened, and then he walked straight past Nojiko, who knelt by Vivi and Tashigi worriedly. He then cocked his head at Robin, who flinched and cast a worried glance at her soon-to-be captain. "Come, Nico Robin."

Smoker's eyes widened and he stared at said woman, stupefied.

"You're… Nico Robin?" the silver-green haired man breathed.

Robin hesitated, gripping her arm nervously in response to Smoker's comment, and then followed Crocodile up the staircase, pausing only the slightest of seconds to hand something to Nojiko, who glared up suspiciously at her. Before the Warlord could find out anything happened, the raven-haired second-in-command of Baroque Works hurried up the staircase.

King didn't stop glaring at them until they were so far up the slightly winding staircase, he couldn't be seen anymore. "That bastard is going to _pay_ ," he signed furiously, then sighed in relief as the arm on his back disappeared in a flurry of flower petals. Then he, Smoker, and Evan dashed to Nojiko, who clutched a small vial of some clear liquid in her hands.

"What did Robin say, Nojiko?" Evan asked quickly.

The bluenette studied the vial in her hands as Vivi and Tashigi began to cough up their lungs. Luffy struggled to stand, but failed and faceplanted back in the remaining inch or so of water on the floor.

"She gave me this and said it was a cure for the poison," Nojiko explained darkly. "She said to administer it to Vivi, Tashigi, and Luffy, and that they'd live if we did." Then she frowned up at Evan, who looked barely conscious. "Evan. Are you one hundred percent sure we can trust that woman?"

"If that's really Nico Robin," Smoker growled, "then no."

Evan turned his glare toward the Marine. "Smoker, I may like you ten billion percent better than just about anyone else in the Marines, but don't you dare suggest that one of my future crewmates is untrustworthy. I'd trust Robin with my damn life. I don't have time to explain now, but she is without a doubt one of us."

Smoker blinked. Where had that come from?

"Well, that endorsement's enough for me," Nojiko said with a nod, and King stamped his foot.

"Just give them the damn antidote already!" he signed rapidly while Evan translated. "They're going to fucking DIE if you don't!"

Quickly, sparing not even a single second, Nojiko administered one-third of the vial to each poisoned individual. The moment that was done, she looked at the Marine. "Even _without_ the poison, these are serious wounds. Do you have anything—?"

The broad-shouldered man frowned and shook his head. "I'll have to make do with this," he sighed, removing his white Justice coat and ripping off the sleeves, then ripping those down into thinner strips which he tied around Vivi's and Tashigi's sides in place of bandages. Nojiko blinked and followed suit with the sleeve of her desert robes, which she used for Luffy's wound.

"Better than nothing," Evan grunted as Nojiko helped Luffy get to his feet.

"Where's Crocodile?" Luffy demanded, looking around.

"Gone," Evan spat. "Damn it… I knew it wasn't _likely_ that we could beat him the first time around, but with everything we had going for us, we had a _chance."_

"Less grousing, more foresight," King signed. "What do we do now?"

Evan frowned, then looked up at Smoker. "First things first: do you believe me _now?"_

Smoker grimaced, not replying for a few moments. Then he turned his attention to Vivi, who spoke firmly. "The Straw Hat Pirates are the only reason I've managed to return here alive and safe. If you're here to arrest a pirate, arrest Crocodile."

Smoker huffed out a sigh before straightening and looking back at Evan. "What's Crocodile's plan in Alubarna?"

Evan hesitated for a brief moment, but shook his head before speaking. "I'll worry about you interrogating me once this fiasco is over and done with. There's a bomb somewhere in the city, designed to destroy everything in a five-mile radius; it should be in the clock tower, but he may have moved it for all I know. He's planning to blow up the whole city and both armies so that he can take over the country." This drew several horrified gasps from those present and not yet aware of the future. "There's more to it than that, but the other part hinges on Robin cooperating with him, and that won't happen."

Smoker's grimace returned, deeper than before. "You are going to owe me a _lot_ of answers when this mess is over," he promised. "Tashigi."

"Sir!" The swordswoman straightened and sharply saluted her commanding officer.

"Once we've escaped this casino, gather all the troops and make a course for the capital city. I'll use my Billower Bike to go ahead of you; if I can't take Crocodile down myself, then I'll buy as much time as I can for everyone else to catch up. We're not letting that thrice-damned Warlord get away."

Tashigi bowed. "Yes, sir!" she affirmed. With that, the two Marines headed towards the staircase. As they ran past Vivi, who now struggled to her feet herself, the blue-haired princess lifted up a hand.

"Captain Smoker, wait," she gasped. The buxom princess winced and clenched her throbbing wound. The two Marines paused and looked at her. "Thank you for putting aside your differences with my friends and deciding to work together to save this country. On behalf of all the citizens of Alabasta, thank you."

Smoker hesitated. Then he nodded and looked forward. "You're welcome, Princess Vivi," he said firmly, and he and Tashigi again raced up the stairs.

The pounding of their footsteps against the stairs echoed down the stairwell, getting softer and softer until they at last petered out completely. Silence filled the aquarium room, except for Luffy's and Evan's labored breathing. They'd fought hard as short as it had been since the beginning of the battle, and it showed.

Luffy glared at Evan and broke the silence by stomping over the wet floor and grabbing the boy's collar. "Dammit, Evan!" he roared, slapping his crew member across the face. "What were you guys doing here!? How did you get here before we did!? And why did you almost die!?"

Evan's face fell. "Sorry, Captain," he mumbled, ashamed. "I forced Robin to bring us here so that I could fight Crocodile on my own. After I was blinded, I… I just needed to prove to myself that I could be useful to you again. That I could learn and grow from my past weakness. And in the end… I only managed to get one hit on the bastard." He bit his lip and tasted blood; his hands clenched into fists, and had his tear ducts still been properly working, he'd have likely started to cry. "It's just…" he choked out, "it's just so _frustrating_ …"

Luffy's anger faded away and his grip slackened. Nojiko frowned sadly at her close friend. She recalled how he'd wanted to get ten hits.

"You were facing a _Warlord_ , you _dumbass_ ," she said quietly, her voice breaking a little. "It's amazing you were able to touch him at all, much less dodge his attacks. Especially considering you're…" Her voice strangled for a moment, and pain flashed across her eyes. "You're _blind_. And even then you gave him one hell of a show."

Luffy looked blankly at Nojiko while she said this, and when she finished, he faced Evan again.

There was a moment's pause. Then…

 _SLAP!_

"OW!" Evan cried, rubbing his now-red cheek where Luffy had slapped him a second time. "What the hell was _that_ one for!?"

"For being stupid and reckless!" Luffy barked, frowning and shoving his hands in his pockets. "Only I get to be stupid and reckless, got that!? Don't you dare do something like that again!"

The brown-haired waterboy's mouth opened in indignation. "B-But…!"

"No buts! You're a dumbass, Evan! Don't _ever_ question how 'useful' you are to me! You're not a tool, you're my _friend_ , and how well your eyes are working doesn't change that, dammit!" Luffy huffed furiously, a tic-mark pulsing on his head, and Evan just gaped with his two eye patches. "Got that!?"

"...Uh, got it," Evan confirmed. A sweatdrop hung off his head. Off to the side of the room, King Kong and Nojiko just smirked.

"Captain isn't very eloquent with his words, but he certainly nails it when he needs to," the vervet monkey signed, shaking his white-fur free of water.

Nojiko chuckled. "That's Luffy for ya."

The straw-hatted man cracked his knuckles. "Now! How do I catch up with Crocodile, Evan?"

"Uh, I think Pell's in the city right now, or he should be anyway, so riding him is probably fastest," the Earthling offered. "He's an Alabastan warrior with a falcon Devil Fruit, so he can fly really fast. We'll have to find him first, though."

"I'll help with that," Vivi promised, leaning against the wall for support. "Oh, _Ra_ , my side hurts…"

King's tail flicked worriedly. "We need to get her to Chopper soon," he signed.

"I'm starting to regret leaving Ace and Sabo back at the Merry to guard it," Nojiko grumbled. "We could use all the help we could get."

Evan fell backwards in shock, sputtering. "What the hell!?" he gasped when he sat up. "Ace and Sabo are here but they're at the Merry!? Why!?"

"Take a guess," Nojiko deadpanned, jabbing her thumb at Luffy.

Luffy grinned and straightened up. The straw-hatted pirate captain rolled his wrists back to loosen them up. "Nah, we don't need them," he decided. "How can I be King of the Pirates if I rely on the help of my big brothers to win the most important fights when they aren't even a part of my crew? I'll beat that Croc bastard on my own."

"Oh," Evan said flatly, facepalming. "I should've known."

"Alright, enough of this, let's get moving!" King signed, stamping his furry foot impatiently while Evan used his new watersense to translate.

"Yes, we're wasting too much time," Vivi agreed. "Let's find Pell! Luffy, what do you say?"

He grinned widely and pointed to the staircase. "Everyone, it's time to leave!" he announced.

"Aye-aye, Luffy!" everyone shouted, and with that, the present Straw Hats plus the Princess of Alabasta ran back up the staircase to leave the casino.


End file.
